MY WIFE STOLE POPE JOHN PAUL II's PAPAL RING
FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT: BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAMWhen Pope John Paul II died earlier this year, a little noticed news account revealed that his Papal ring was missing.
Tonight, I had the shock of my life when I discovered the late Pope's missing ring in my wife's handkerchief drawer. Mrs. Carol Peckham pilfered the ring when we visited the Vatican last year. The front page of this newspaper reveals a picture of her eyeing up the ring, shortly before she must have snatched it from the great man.
I have notified the authorities, and the police are on their way to take her away. It is unfathomable to me what she planned to do with the ring, but perhaps we will learn as I attempt to extract a confession from her.
BIN LADEN HIDING IN PITTSBURGH
THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The Justice Department says I can now reveal that last August I photographed an older, balder -- but just as evil as ever -- Osama bin Laden partying in a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania suburb. In the picture, bin Laden is brazenly clutching an American teenager he was trying to recruit for one of his suicide squadrons. Thankfully, I was able to free the girl before the suave monster could do any harm. This is all I can reveal at this time: By day, bin Laden runs his world-wide terrorist operation out of a local Pittsburgh pizza shop; by night, he moonlights as a pizza delivery man, and the tip money pays for his lavish criminal lifestyle. (Hint to Feds: As is customary in the seedy underworld of independent pizza shops, I've learned that bin Laden does not declare tips as income. Remember how you nailed Capone!)
The authorities and I are working together to capture him, and I'll reveal what I can, when I can. Stay tuned.
PRESIDENT BUSH SHAVES HEAD, IS BARELY RECOGNIZABLE
WASHINGTON - President Bush's daughters Barbara and Jenna urged their dad to shave his head as a gesture of solidarity with Generation "Y," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. The result was a President who was barely recognizable even to his closest aides. Numerous people said the President looked exactly like prominent Pittsburgh attorney Bill Moorhead.Secret service agents assigned to Bush treated him as an unwelcome interloper at the White House this morning and started to haul him off into custody until he frantically yelled, "Nu-kyi-ler . . . nu-kyi-ler!" The agents immediately recognized him and apologized profusely.
The President said he would now let his hair grow back. "In fact, probably the next time people see me, they'll never notice that I had shaved my head."
Jessica Simpson's breasts harbor two small Asian children
NEW YORK - For years, singer and “Dukes of Hazzard” star Jessica Simpson, 25, tried everything to get a more voluptuous physique, but last fall she found the secret. Simpson revealed that she harbors two small Asian children in her breasts. “Now my boobs are bigger than all my friends. They make my outfits look better, too. They’re like an accessory.”
The new look also has other advantages. Simpson had always feared that if she and husband singer Nick Lachey had children, Nick would not be attentive to them. “Those fears are gone forever. Nick can’t keep away from them,” she giggled.
"BLT KILLER" SMEARED MAYONNAISE ON VICTIMS BEFORE MURDERING THEM
BREAKING NEWS
WICHITA, Kan. - At the sentencing hearing this morning of the serial killer known as "BLT" -- bacon, lettuce and tomato -- detectives graphically described how he smeared mayonnaise on his victims before lining their bodies with strips of bacon and covering them with lettuce and tomatoes. Testimony resumes this afternoon.
STATELY WAYNE MANOR DESTROYED BY FIRE; AUTHORITIES FIND UNDERGROUND GAY CLUB WITH "BAT" MOTIF
GOTHAM CITY, Cal. - The California brush fires have reduced to rubble stately Wayne Manor, home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson. When the flames were extinguished, authorities said that they discovered beneath the ruins the entrance to what appears to be a decadent gay strip club with a "bat" motif.
"We believe that the club was called 'The Bat Cave,'" said Police Chief Shamus O'Hara. "From what we've been able to piece together, the strippers would enter the stage area by sliding down poles marked 'Bruce' and 'Dick.' As you can imagine, when we saw that we figured this place was gay Mecca. As they slid down, the performers would change into colorful tights with bizarre masks," said the Chief. "We surmise that they would writhe around these poles and lose the spandex to the delight of the gay clientele. My guess is that the fruity customers would slobber over them and force money into their 'utility belts.' This is as decadent as it gets."
Chief O'Hara said that police have arrested the owner of the mansion, Bruce Wayne, and have taken his "ward" to a youth detention home, on suspicion of being the masterminds behind the illicit strip club. "We have evidence that Wayne would force Master Grayson to perform in these gay freak shows. Wayne would dress him up in nylons and spandex and bill him as 'The Boy Wonder.' I don't think I need to tell you what that refers to," said Chief O'Hara. "Wayne would tell the boy's aunt, actress Madge Blake, that they were going fishing or some other lame thing, and then they'd disappear, sometimes for days."
Wayne spoke briefly with reporters and denied the charges. He claimed, with a halting and over-acted affectation, that he and Grayson are heterosexual crime fighters who dress in colorful costumes to conceal their true identities from the underworld. Asked about the poles, Wayne explained: "I installed the poles because I like how they feel when I slide down."
PENN STATE LOSES TO MICHIGAN ON TD PASS WITH NO TIME LEFT
"WHERE AM I?" ASKS JOE PATERNO
ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Michigan quarterback Chad Henne threw a touchdown to Mario Manningham from ten yards out and no time left to lift Michigan to a thrilling 27-25 victory over number 8 Penn State today.
As the winning pass was thrown, Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who turns 79 in two months, frantically asked members of his coaching staff, "Are we blue or white? Are we blue or white?" While elated Michigan fans flooded the field to celebrate, Paterno was led off the field and was heard to wonder aloud, "Where am I?"
HOSPITAL: PATIENTS WILL PAY FOR "THROUGH THE NOSE" BRAIN SURGERY THROUGH THE NOSE
DR. BAXENDALE: "[PHYSICIANS] WEAR MASKS FOR THE SAME REASON AS ANY OTHER ROBBER -- TO CONCEAL THEIR IDENTITIES"
PITTSBURGH - UPMC Hospital has announced the addition of a new wing designed to accommodate surgical procedures that remove brain tumors through the nose.
"And that's how the patients will pay for it, too -- through the nose," said Dr. Hadley V. Baxendale, director of the Endoscopic Transnatal Brain Surgery Unit. "We give my new surgical unit this big name so that patients'll think it's some scientific big deal. This helps us get away with charging a lot," Dr. Baxendale chuckled.
Dr. Baxendale explained that for those deadbeat patients who refuse to pay for "through the nose" surgery, he has another surgical procedure -- "I take it out of their ass," he said.
To skirt law requiring funeral homes to be named after a person, man changes name to "Arthur J. Deaths-'R-Us"
ERIE, Pa - Dairy farmer Bradleys Roadhouse always wanted to be a funeral director, and when he finally obtained his mortician's license last year he was all set to open his own funeral home. He even came up with what he considered to be the perfect name: "Deaths-'R-Us." The only trouble was that an obsure state law precluded Roadhouse from using that name. The Pennsylvania Code provides that "[n]o funeral practice . . . may be conducted under any other name than the name" of the person who was granted a license from the state. According to Professor Hadley V. Baxendale of Crystal State Law School, the law was intended to prevent morticians from lending their establishments monikers that the funeral industry considers to be undignified or in bad taste, "much like the name Mr. Roadhouse chose."
But Mr. Roadhouse wasn't about to let some arcane law stand in the way of his dream, so he has legally changed his own name to "Arthur J. Deaths-'R-Us." Now his "Deaths-'R-Us Funeral Home" will be in full compliance with the letter, if not the spirit, of the state law.
One more roadblock remains. The former Mr. Roadhouse's wife, Carolyn Roadhouse, won't go along with the name change. "I put up with being 'Mrs. Bradleys Roadhouse' all these years, even though it made me sound like I was married to a tavern," she said. "So what, now I'm supposed to go the PTA meetings and identify myself as 'Carolyn J. Deaths-'R-Us'? What does my husband think I am, a 'Batman' criminal?"
The former Mr. Roadhouse says that if he can't convince his wife to change her name, he'll have no choice but to change his own name one more time -- to "Arthur J. Deaths-'R-Me."
COMIC STRIP STAR CALVIN, IMPRISONED FOR PUBLIC URINATION, IS MURDERED BY FELLOW INMATE
NEW YORK - Legendary comic strip star Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbes," serving a three-year sentence in a federal prison for being a "serial urinator," was murdered this morning by fellow inmate Andy Capp, 61, who is serving time for public intoxication. The two men were on work detail at Ray Brook Federal Prison in upstate New York cleaning a bathroom when, in the words of warden Bradleys Roadhouse, "Andy went crackers about something Calvin said and beat him about his little blond head with a broom." In announcing the murder, the warden somberly said, "Calvin will never pee on corporate logos again."
Off the record, Roadhouse said he was not surprised by the attack. "Understand, this kid [Calvin] was always bragging about how he'd been a 'big star' until his strip ended in '95. That kind of talk rubbed Andy [Capp] and the rest of the guys the wrong way, me included. You have to understand, the guys -- they have their own justice, of keeping things in balance. So who am I to say Andy was wrong? Maybe the precocious brat had it coming."
Hobbes, the stuffed tiger who was Calvin's co-star in the comic strip, reportedly is negotiating with Linus of "Peanuts" about replacing Linus' famous security blanket.
BUSH NOMINATES TO SUPREME COURT WOMAN FROM WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM WITH NO IDENTITY
BUSH: MIERS "HAS DEVOTED HER LIFE TO THE CAUSE OF JUSTICE, TO THE EXTENT WE ARE AWARE."WASHINGTON - President Bush on Monday nominated Harriet Miers to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court. Miers, 60, reportedly has been in the Federal Witness Protection Program, WITSEC, and only acquired her current name and identity four months ago. Bush told reporters that Miers currently serves as a White House counsel, but administration officials wishing to remain anonymous say they have never heard of her. One high-ranking official candidly noted that Miers had plastic surgery in June of this year to alter her appearance, and acknowledged that nothing is known about her prior to that time.
In introducing Miers to the nation this morning, President Bush stated that she "has devoted her life to the cause of justice, to the extent we are aware." He noted that Miers is "the perfect nominee because she brings no ideological baggage to the [Senate confirmation] hearing, and in fact nobody knows the first thing whatsoever about her, including me."
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