WHITE HOUSE GIFT SHOP SELLS OUT OF "I'M THE DECISION-MAKER" COFFEE MUGS, APRONS
GUS THE GROUNDHOG TO CHALLENGE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOR STATE SUPREMACY
PUNXSUTAWNEY – Pennsylvania Lottery spokesman Gus the Groundhog will meet defending champ Punxsutawney Phil for the state groundhog championship this Friday. The contest starts at 6 AM on Phil’s home field in Punxsutawney, and thousands of fans are expected to attend.
Phil has long held the state’s number one ranking, but Gus is just behind him in second place. “Gus could surprise a lot of people,” Department of Natural Resources biologist Bob Brenneman said. “Gus looks to be in better shape than Phil, and he’s been doing a lot of scratchin’. That could help him late in the contest. Phil may be taking the challenge too lightly by sleeping all the way up to game time.”
Phil has thousands of supporters in Western Pennsylvania, and he endeared himself to Steelers’ fans in 2006 by emerging from his den holding a Terrible Towel. After a mediocre Steelers’ season, however, it remains to be seen if Steeler fans will come out en masse to support him. Gus, on the other hand, has built up a fan base throughout the state with frequent television appearances and by handing out cash to state residents.
"There’s so many intangibles here,” biologist Brenneman said. “Fan support is important. Weather could be a factor. Phil has championship experience and guys in top hats behind him, but Gus is young and hungry. It could simply come down to who wants it more.”
Governor Ed Rendell will present the championship block of wood to the winner. Both groundhogs are expected to sleep for six weeks following the contest.
WHAT’S EATING JIM MOTZNIK?
“Hours passed, and, well, we weren’t really getting anywhere with that, so I suggested that he load his official City portrait into myheritage.com, just for kicks -- to see what celebrities he looked like,” said the colleague. “His number one match came back as Billie Jean King.”
Even though King is, by all accounts, one of the most accomplished female tennis players in the sports' history, Motznik apparently was none too pleased that the most famous person he resembled was a self-proclaimed "[gonad]-busting woman" with big, googly glasses.
“As if that weren’t enough, the Web site’s face recognition program also likened him to Jimmy Carter. That pushed him over the edge, resulting in a mild form of traumatic neurosis, I believe, that has him convinced that fellow councilman Bill Peduto is out to get him,” said the colleague.
The colleague avowed that it was at his suggestion Motznik “work through his issues” by blogging.
VAL PORTER UNDER FIRE FOR CLAIMING SHE WROTE IMMORTAL POEM "CASEY AT THE BAT," PULLING GUN ON CROWD AT PIRATEFEST
DISTRAUGHT BROADCASTER ACCUSES MIKE PRISUTA, TRILATERAL COMMISSION OF "SABOTAGING" HER
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh radio personality Val Porter is under fire for claiming during a public appearance at Piratefest over the weekend that she, not Ernest Thayer, is the author of the immortal baseball poem "Casey at the Bat." She also faces charges for pulling a revolver on a group of Pirate fans.
Porter read the poem aloud to a group of small children and their parents while the Pirates' beloved mascot, the Parrot, acted it out in pantomime. After Porter was finished, she said she had "something very special I have to get off my chest." She appeared agitated and distraught. "The poem you just heard, which is probably the greatest in all of literature, well, I wrote that poem." (In fact, Ernest Thayer wrote the poem in 1888 while he was a writer for the San Francisco Examiner.) Porter held back tears. "And I know there are people in this room who would prefer I didn't reveal that, but I can't go on living their lie."
Porter's fellow-DVE newscaster, Tribune-Review sports writer Mike Prisuta approached Porter and tried to calm her. "Sit down, Mike," Porter said sternly, pulling a revolver from her jeans. "Frankly, you're part of the problem here." The parrot slowly backed away from her when Porter shouted, "Stop right there, you son of a bitch! Stop and nobody gets hurt." She then removed a dog-eared sheet of paper from her pocket. "Now you're all going to listen to this because I've been waiting a long time to say it." Porter proceeded to read a rambling statement for 45 minutes that, among other things, accused Prisuta, David Rockefeller and the Trilateral Commission of "sabotaging" her and preventing her from patenting certain alleged inventions that "would have saved all mankind from cancer and most other diseases."
Fast-thinking security at the convention center commandeered the public address system and played old Milo Hamilton Pirate broadcasts, which quickly lulled Porter, and most of the other fans at Piratefest, to sleep. Mike Prisuta crept toward her and removed the revolver, then he led her away. "This happens on occasion when she gets overly tired," he told onlookers. "She's been up since four this morning."
DUCHESS OF CORNWALL RUNS FINGERS ALONG ED RENDELL’S CRACK
“I knew she was down to earth, a commoner for all intents and purposes, but I this was something I, we -- none of us -- expected. If anything, I would have gone for the mayor’s ass, but there’s no accounting for taste,” said Royal admirer Bertha Tuckwacker.
Witnesses say Rendell seemed unphased at the “feel,” and responded to the touch by pulling up his pants.
When later asked about the incident, he said he was oblivious to any improprieties on the part of Camilla. “I just thought I was catching a draft,” said Rendell. “The pants, well, they just don’t fit like they used to,” he chuckled.
The royal couple are on a whirlwind tour of the United States because, according to the Royal press office, "they feel a necessity to lend the appearance that they have actual jobs."
Rendell would not comment further on the subject, saying he had to hurry to keep a lunch appointment "with some French-Canadian guy in Pittsburgh who’s been whining about not getting a new arena for his hockey team, or some such damn nonsense."
WILDCAT STRIKE AT RED CROSS SPREADS TO LITTLE SISTERS OF POOR, SALVATION ARMY; VIOLENCE ON PICKET LINES EXPECTED
RAVENSTAHL PUSHES FOR CRIB INSPECTIONS
"Bill can push for all the initiatives he wants," the 26-year-old Ravenstahl said, "but I'll always be able to go younger."
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT OF THE ARTS TO PLACE JAZZ FANS ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
BARARO EUTHANIZED AMID TAUNTS BY SHIITE DETRACTORS
In a tragic irony, moments after Barbaro was pronounced dead, doctors announced that "a mistake of almost unparalleled proportions" had occurred. It was discovered that Barbaro's X-rays somehow were mixed up with those of Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, who suffered a serious leg injury several months ago. Dr. Noah Swayne, Barbaro's attending physician, explained: "As it turned out, Barbaro was fine, but coach Paterno will have to be put down."
BOB MAYO GETS IT RIGHT, AS USUAL
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
CHENEY ISSUES FATWA AGAINST WOLF BLITZER
Sources close to the Vice President were not surprised. "Bring up Mary Cheney and you disappear," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "James Brown talked about Mary in early December, and even though he told everyone 'I feel good,' you saw what happened to him." The staffer also said, "about a third of the detainees in Guantanamo are there on Mary Cheney-related charges. And Harry Whittington, the guy Cheney shot, well, he only got the 'M-' sound out when Dick plugged him. If he had said the whole name, he'd be dead now."
Blitzer immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location; ironically, it turned out to be the same undisclosed location where Cheney hides, so Blitzer was forced to move somewhere else.
POETRY SOCIETY TO WRITE NEW STEELER SLOGANS
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Poetry Society will hold a special symposium March 23-25 to write Steeler slogans for new head coach Mike Tomlin. Well-known Pittsburgh poet Dr. Samuel Hazo made the announcement today. “A slogan can make or break a coach’s career here. It’s too important to leave up to the average fan or sportswriters,” Hazo said. “That’s why we need to involve professional poets. We want to show the general public that poetry can be relevant to their everyday lives.”
The Poetry Society held a similar conference in 1992, when Bill Cowher was selected as head coach. “We came up with ‘Cowher Power’ within the first five minutes. That gave us the rest of the conference time to sit around and drink wine,” Dr. Hazo said, clearly relishing the memory. “Now that was a great conference.”
Hazo admitted that many local poets were rooting for Russ Grimm to get the coaching job. “Russ Grimm has a great name for rhyming. Whisenhut would have been a nightmare for us. Tomlin is a challenge, but I’m confident we can come up with something.” Conference organizers had wanted to schedule the symposium for February, but decided to give society members more “rhyme time,” as they call it, when the Steelers finally made their decision last Sunday.
Hazo also revealed he has written a six-stanza Steeler poem in a simple ABAB rhyme scheme. He declined to read it to reporters, though, saying, “I just submitted it to American Poetry and I don’t want to jinx it.”
PRINCE CHARLES VISITS GENO'S PHILLY CHEESE STEAK TO ENDORSE ITS "ENGLISH ONLY" POLICY
When the Royals arrived at Geno's, the Prince hugged Vento and the two men prepared to film a public service announcement promoting Vento's "English-only" campaign. Giant cue-cards were brought in for the men to read their lines, and after a few words with the film crew, the director shouted "Action."
Vento, reading from the cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Prince, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Prince, doing his best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Charles. "Well, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me on yer way outa town; yous are both eatin' here at Geno's."
Then the camera closed in on the Prince. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Prince. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language." After the Prince calmed Vento down, it was decided that Charles' final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. The Royals jumped in their car, and it was off to visit the statue of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.
PATRAEUS NAMED COMMANDER
ROYALS SHEEPISHLY APOLOGIZE FOR BREAKING AMERICAN SYMBOL OF INDEPENDENCE
PENS SIGN RAVENSTALL TO BEEF UP BLUE LINE FOR 2ND HALF OF SEASON
PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed.