OFFICIALS BLAME HUMAN ERROR FOR TRAGIC MAULING, POLAR BEARS SENT TO PETTING ZOO BY MISTAKE

PITTSBURGH - Six people were mauled by two polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium this weekend after workers mistakenly placed them in the petting zoo. The bears devoured all of the fawn, lamb and rabbits in the petting zoo in full view of a horrified crowd before chewing off the arm of a Boy Scout leader who attempted to subdue them with a rope. In the ensuing panic, five other people were attacked. A full battalion of Pittsburgh Police finally restored order by immobilizing the polar bears with night sticks, stun guns, and tranquilizers.

Pittsburgh Zoo President Dr. Barbara Baker offered an apology, as well as a full refund to anyone traumatized by, or mauled in the attack. "We are taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again," she said. Dr. Baker explained that employees responsible for placing the bears in the appropriate outdoor exhibit were unaware that polar bears could pose a threat to human beings. "The individuals told me they had seen polar bears on television, in commercials, drinking Coca-Cola and behaving in a jolly, playful way." Dr. Baker said the employees, acting on their own, placed the bears in the petting zoo. "They thought the cute, cuddly, soda-pop loving bears - their words, not mine - would be a natural hit with crowds, especially children." Events of this past weekend have disabused them of that notion. "I have told them repeatedly not everything you see on television is accurate, especially as it relates to dangerous, predatory beasts," she said, with exasperation. "Now, maybe they'll start listening to me."

US AIRWAYS SCOTT KIRBY: "HMM, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY DELTA DOESN'T WANT A COMPANY WITH A PROVEN TRACK RECORD LIKE OURS TO RUN THEIR COMPANY"

RICHARD SIMMONS PLEDGES $29.5 MILLION TO PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY

WILL LEAD CONCERTGOERS IN AEROBIC WORKOUTS WHILE ORCHESTRA PLAYS

CENTRAL CATHOLIC REPORTS LEAP IN TRANSFERS FROM OUT OF STATE STUDENTS

PITTSBURGH - Central Catholic High School has reported a 57% increase in enrollment from out of state students during the five year period from 2001-2006. “We’re not sure what’s driving this trend,” said Brother Richard Grzeskiewicz. Grzeskiewicz speculated that parents of young men are attracted to the 79-year old institution’s reputation for combining religious education with discipline and academics. “Our academic reputation certainly transcends Pennsylvania ’s borders” reported Grzeskiewicz.
An apparently unrelated trend is that virtually all of the transfers have decided to participate on Central’s perennial powerhouse football team. Central football coach Terry Totten observed that Central has been very fortunate that the transfers have inexplicably decided to select football as their extracurricular activity. Totten said, “we pray every year that some of these transfers want to play football, because without divine assistance, we wouldn’t have a chance against the public schools.”

Central was defeated by Penn Hills in Friday's WPIAL semifinal. Said North Carolina transfer Junior Tino Sunseri (pictured above),
who moved in with his uncle to attend Central because of its foreign language program, “I just hope I get my Calculus done before kickoff, or else I won’t be permitted to suit up.”

COWHER ADMITS HE "DOESN'T FEEL ALIVE" UNLESS HE'S DIGGING TEAM OUT OF A DEEP HOLE

SINCE SUPER BOWL WIN, COACH PURPOSEFULLY LETS TEAM FOUNDER SO HE CAN RESURRECT IT; OTHERWISE, COACHING "WOULD BORE ME"

CLEVELAND - Following the Steelers' 24-20 victory over the Browns this afternoon, Bill Cowher held the most candid press conference of his tenure as Steelers' head coach. Cowher admitted that ever since the Steelers' Super Bowl victory last February, coaching "isn't any fun anymore" unless he's living on the edge, playing to dig the team out of a deep hole. "Only when defeat is practically certain do I feel alive out there," the coach confessed.

Cowher admitted that he engineers the games to put the Steelers on the brink of defeat. "For example, I told Ben to take it easy in the first half [of today's victory over the Browns], and at some point in the second half I told him to pour it on," he said. That's exactly what Roethlisberger did. He played miserably in the first half, but then, in the fourth quarter alone he threw for 224 yards. The Steelers trailed the entire game until only 32 seconds remained in the fourth quarter when they finally took the lead on a Roethlisberger-to-Parker touchdown shovel.

"Today's game was fun," Cowher gushed.

Cowher also admitted that he probably "threw" at least four of the Steelers' losses this season just to put the team in an almost insurmountable hole. He acknowledged that his confession would come as a shock to many fans. "I thought it was only fair to the fans that they know the truth," he said. "I'm sure they understand that if I didn't do it this way, the whole thing would be a complete bore for me, and I know they wouldn't want that."

JOE PATERNO LEADS PENN STATE FROM PRESS BOX IN WIN OVER MICHIGAN STATE


SIMMONS PLEDGES $29.5 MILLION TO PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY ON CONDITION THAT HE CONDUCTS

PITTSBURGH - Former Allegheny Ludlum steel chairman Richard P. Simmons announced a $29.5 million pledge to the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra today, one of the largest gifts ever pledged to a symphony orchestra. But the gift is conditioned on Simmons conducting three weekend series of concerts with the symphony per year. Simmons said he has no musical training and cannot read music.

At a press conference this morning, Lawrence J. Tamburri, President and CEO of the PSO, immediately accepted the terms of Simmons' offer. He also openly embraced the idea of having captains of industry conduct the PSO in exchange for significant contributions. "So what if Mr. Simmons can't read music?" a defensive Tamburri challenged a reporter. "People will flock to see such a spectacle in the same way a car wreck draws onlookers." Tamburri flashed a crooked smile.

He said that such gimmickry likely will engender further creative efforts by PSO management to enhance revenue and manufacture interest in the orchestra's sometimes moribund programs. Future concerts could be led by other well-known businessmen who also know nothing about music but may be inclined to donate to the PSO, said Tamburri, including Donald Trump, George Steinbrenner and Hugh Hefner. "It is unfortunate that fast food chicken chain founder Colonel Harland Sanders is no longer with us," Tamburri opined. "One can only imagine the buzz that would have been created if he had led a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony."

Tamburri's mind was racing. "Why stop at this?" he asked rhetorically. "The PSO members could switch instruments for a concert. Imagine the excitement as the violinists play trumpets and French horns for the first time," he said. "More interesting, 50 lucky concertgoers could be plucked from the audience, furnished instruments, and asked to perform Mahler or Brahms. That would sell out Heinz Hall for sure."


"In any event, by including in the PSO's program an artist of Mr. Simmons' caliber," Tamburri said, "the PSO's management is proud to say that it is upholding the legacy of Reiner, Steinberg, Previn and Maazel."

"BACKYARD BRA" A BUST FOR PITT; PANTHERS PERFORMANCE SAGS IN SECOND HALF, THEY PLAY LIKE BOOBS

MOST DISAPPOINTING PITT TEAM OF ANY IN RECENT MAMMARY

JEB BUSH COMPLAINS ABOUT PITTSBURGH FOOD FROM T-STATION CLOSET WHERE HE'S STILL HIDING

PITTSBURGH - Florida Governor Jeb Bush is still holed up in a closet of the Wood Street T-Station downtown, where he's been since October 6. Bush was in town that night to attend a Duquesne Club fund-raiser for Sen. Rick Santorum when he was pursued by a large mob of angry anti-Republican protesters on Sixth Avenue. The Governor retreated to the subway station where Port Authority police ushered him into a supply closet for his safety.

Since then, Bush has refused to come out for fear that the rabid liberal mob will do him harm. Food is delivered to him by the Republican State Committee three times a day, and his sole recreation is to listen to a radio.

Yesterday, Bush granted his first interview through the door of the closet since he went into hiding, and he used the occasion to complain about Pittburgh food. "It stinks," said the Governor in a surly tone. "They gave me this weird sandwich from some place called Primanti's, and I had to quit eating it because it was such a mess," the Governor said. "There's not enough napkins in the world to clean up after that mess."

Bush said that Pittsburgh radio is "terrible," aside from WDVE's Morning Show, especially Fridays when The Carbolic Smoke Ball's Weekly Round-Up is aired. "Those Carbolic guys are truly geniuses," the Governor said. "It's worth being imprisoned in Pittsburgh just to hear them."

MARTHA STEWART PROVIDES HELPFUL TIPS TO MOUNTAINEER FANS PLANNING POST-GAME RIOT

MORGANTOWN - Martha Stewart broadcast her popular television show, "Martha Stewart Living," live from the campus of West Virginia University Thursday evening. The University was selected by Ms. Stewart because it has a long history of "spontaneous, violent eruptions." The show aired immediately following the conclusion of the football game between West Virginia and the University of Pittsburgh. Ms. Stewart said she looked forward to showing rowdy Mountaineer fans the best way to burn furniture. Guests included WVU President David C. Hardesty, Jr., who shared his favorite recipe for squirrel stew, and United States Senator Robert Byrd, who led a drunken mob in a ceremonial tipping of the first car.

The Senator declined offers to join the mob in flipping a school bus. "Maybe ten years ago, gang," he hollered. "But not tonight."

Speaking to reporters before the show, Ms. Stewart beamed. "There is no better way to celebrate a new promotion, an anniversary, or a football victory than by dousing a favorite couch or chair in kerosene and setting it aflame," she said. "However, it's important to remember when choosing the furniture you're going to burn that some fabrics are more flammable than others." When asked to choose her preferred furniture for burning, she responded without hesitation. "Anything from Value City makes a delightful fireball against the night sky," she said, before adding her catch-phrase, "and that's a good thing."

Ms. Stewart said she hoped the information provided by her show would allow Mountaineer fans to have a more enjoyable post-victory riot. "And for additional tips," she added, "including the best way to make a Molotov cocktail, visit my web-site."

JOE PATERNO TO BE TRANSPORTED TO BEAVER STADIUM SATURDAY FOR PENN STATE'S SEASON FINALE

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PHOTO FROM RUMSFELD'S RETIREMENT PARTY

OUTGOING SECRETARY OF DEFENSE LEAVES THE WAR, TAKES THE CANNOLI

HANDS-TRANSPLANT PATIENT MEETS, SLAPS FACE OF FACE-TRANSPLANT PATIENT

WASHINGTON - Tina Sambonia, the world's first hands-transplant patient, met Roberto Luis Montoya, the world's first face-transplant patient, at last night's annual National Institutes of Health fundraiser.

"We thought it would be a real hoot to have them meet, you know, from a scientific perspective," said Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, who performed both transplant surgeries.

But the meeting did not go as planned. Unbeknownst to Dr. Roadhouse, the transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated the face for the face transplant. That marriage ended unhappily because of the man's indiscretions. When the two transplant patients met last night, the hands-transplant patient involuntarily began slapping the face of the face-transplant patient. Security guards quickly separated the two as the fundraiser's guests watched in stunned silence.

"Through my work with the World Health Organization, I've encountered similar phenomena in Haiti," Dr. Roadhouse explained. "To the uninitiated, it can be a little off-putting." Dr. Roadhouse said that as a result of the incident, Mr. Montoya will require additional surgery. "Tina knocked his nose down to his Adam's apple," he chuckled. "I think it's fair to say there hasn't been this much slapping in Washington since the Clintons occupied the White House."

TOYS FOR TOTS AGREES TO ACCEPT DONATION OF 4,000 O.J. SIMPSON DOLLS

PULL THE STRING AND THE DOLL SAYS: "I WOULD BE A REAL CREEPY DOLL -- IF I HAD MURDERED MY WIFE."

Economists divided as to what caused Milton Friedman's body to crash . . .

SOME BLAME MASSIVE CONTRACTION OF MONEY SUPPLY; OTHERS SAY LACK OF INVESTMENT

CAPED BOY CRIMEFIGHTER WRESTLES CITY-ISSUED IMPALA FROM SUSPENDED OPERATIONS DIRECTOR

PITTSBURGH - A mysterious young superhero in a flamboyant yellow, red and blue costume darted from the sky Wednesday morning to intercept a city-issued Chevy Impala being driven by suspended city operations director Dennis J. Regan as it was pulling into Regan's driveway on Reynolds Street. The flying boy ripped open the driver's door and forcibly removed Regan, then he lifted the car into the air with one hand and flew it to a city parking lot in the strip district. "Suspended city employees have no right to be driving city-issued Impalas," the boy yelled to a stunned Regan. Shocked onlookers applauded and Regan ran into his house.

Earlier in the day, the same costumed superhero hung Christmas ornaments on the highest branches of the giant Christmas tree in front of the City-County building. Later, he was seen comforting a sick falcon perched outside the 38th floor of the Gulf Tower.


"We don't know who he is behind that tight, sexy costume," said City Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle, "but we know we need him."

Council President Doug Shields was less awed by the mysterious wonder boy. "Isn't funny how we never see Superboy in the same place as Mayor Ravenstahl?" he asked suspiciously.

MOE GREENE FILES LAST-MINUTE BID FOR PITTSBURGH CASINO LICENSE

PROSPECTS HURT BY PENDING BATTERY CHARGES ARISING FROM INCIDENT WHERE HE SLAPPED FREDO CORLEONE AROUND IN PUBLIC FOR BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES TWO AT A TIME

DEER INVADES MELLON FINANCIAL OFFICE AT WATERWORKS MALL, MELLON MUST WAIT FOR DEER SEASON TO KILL IT

PITTSBURGH - A deer charged through the window of Mellon Financial Corporation's office near the Waterworks Mall on Freeport Road early yesterday morning and has been wandering throughout the office ever since, causing thousands of dollars of damage.

Mellon spokesman Ron Gruendl said there is nothing Mellon can do about it until November 27, the day deer firearms season begins. With first light on that Monday, Gruendl will don dark leather camouflage to blend in with the office furniture, then he will climb a tree stand he has constructed that attaches to the grandfather clock in the hallway. "I plan to take back my office," Gruendl said.

"I will tell you this," Gruendl confided. "November 27 can't come soon enough for me. That thing wants to start breeding with something and she keeps eyeing me up."

EMMITT SMITH WINS DANCING WITH THE STARS, FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR POSSIBLE PRESIDENTIAL BID IN 08

LOS ANGELES - Three-time Super Bowl champion Emmitt Smith was declared the winner of ABC's Dancing With The Stars last night, and immediately announced that he was forming a committee to explore a possible run for President in 2008.

"It just seems to be the next logical step," a beaming Smith told reporters, moments after capturing the coveted trophy. The voting was unusually close, but challenger and runner-up Mario Lopez, citing a desire to spare viewers the agony of enduring weeks, if not months, without a clear-cut victor, refused to request a recount.

Former President Jimmy Carter, who served as a Dancing With The Stars election observer, said he was satisfied the process was fair. "I am pleased to say I witnessed no acts of voter intimidation during the contest between Emmitt and Mario," Carter said. He added, "I believe the best man won."

Smith said the committee would be chaired by his dancing partner, Cheryl Burke. "Cheryl and I have such a tremendous rapport," he said. "I trust her instincts." Smith brushed off questions about whether or not he could win in Iowa or New Hampshire . "Nobody thought I could win this election, either," he said. "But I believe America is ready for a change." When asked whether or not he believed America was ready to elect a made-for-television ballroom dancing champion president, Smith grew reflective. "I'd like to think so," he said, softly. "After all, this is the 21st century. But that's what we're going to find out."

O.J. REVEALS ALL TO FOX TV: "HOW I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED JFK, LINCOLN ASSASSINATIONS, IF I HAD DONE THEM"


WTAE TO AIR "SECRETS OF THE STEELERS' PROCTOLOGIST" IN 3-D ON EVENING NEWS

PITTSBURGH - Ever wanted to know what it's like to be up a Steeler's rear end? Well, now you can. Tonight at six and eleven, in a story you'll see only on Channel Four Action News, Wendy Bell takes you on a fantastic voyage deep inside the rectum of your favorite Steelers players and tells you just what's behind their good health. The series, shot entirely in 3-D, was produced in conjunction with WTAE Health Editor Marilyn Brooks, and the National Football League. WTAE News director Bob Longo praised Bell for her courage in going after a story that, in his words, needed to be told. "Our research indicates we have many viewers suffering from anal fissures, as well as anal fistulas," said Longo. "But after seeing Wendy's exclusive report, they're going to realize that not every tight end is a healthy end."

Longo said the series was part of the station's continuing commitment to community health, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. "We're hoping that knowing members of the Pittsburgh Steelers go to a proctologist for an annual check-up may give viewers the courage to see a proctologist on their own." When asked how Bell was able to gain access to body parts normally deemed "out of bounds" for local anchors, Longo smiled. "I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say that Wendy and a team of scientists, safely inside the submarine docked at the Carnegie Science Center , were shrunken to microscopic size and injected into the bloodstream of a very prominent player." Longo declined to identify the player. "You'll have to tune in and see for yourself," he said.

LIGHT UP NIGHT MOVED TO THURSDAY TO ACCOMMODATE INFLUX OF WVU FANS

PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar announced yesterdat that the official date for this season’s “Light Up Night” has been moved one day earlier from this Friday night to Thursday night to coincide with the “backyard brawl” between Pitt and West Virginia . City residents are warned to stay in their homes after dark, and not to leave couches on their porches.

TOM CRUISE EXPLAINS BIZARRE BEHAVIOR OVER PAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS: "BORAT GOT ME DRUNK"

HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise claims that Sacha Baron Cohen, acting as a Kazakh TV reporter known as "Borat," and his film producers got him drunk to dupe him into saying innumerable bizarre things and to engage in behavior he otherwise would not have engaged in over the past eighteen months.

Cruise couch-hopped on Oprah Winfrey's talk show while proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes, criticized the use of antidepressants, claimed that postpartum depression doesn't exist, and became combative with Matt Lauer on the "Today" show.

"Baron Cohen conned me into doing all those things," said Cruise. "When I first shook hands with him I said to myself 'this guy is really weird.' After a year and a half, I really started to smell a rat."

SADDAM INSPIRED BY O.J. SIMPSON, WRITES NEW BOOK: HOW I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED GENOCIDE "IF I DID IT"


Texas Tech Hoops Player Suspended for Attack on Bobby Knight

LUBBOCK – Win No. 871 for Bobby Knight was marred by an incident on the sideline in which replays showed sophomore Michael Prince “chin butting” the Texas Tech head coach’s palm. Texas Tech athletic director Gerald Myers announced earlier this morning that the sophomore forward has been suspended for the remainder of the season for the attack.

Knight was providing technique instruction to the sophomore standout during a game timeout, and seconds later, the player seemingly lost his temper with Knight. “The kid just lunged at my hand with his chin without warning,” said Coach Knight as he recounted the incident in this morning’s press conference. Knight has refused to press criminal charges, although Texas Tech separately announced that it will be beefing up security for Coach Knight for the remainder of the season.

NUN INVOLVED IN RWANDA GENOCIDE OF TUTSIS ALSO STRICT ON GUM CHEWING, TALKING IN CLASS

AFTER TUTSIS IGNORED SISTER'S WARNINGS TO SIT UP STRAIGHT, SHE PROCEEDED TO "WIPE THE SMILE OFF THEIR FACES"

BOB CASEY VISITS ARLEN SPECTER FOR ORIENTATION, LEAVES DISORIENTED

NEW SENATOR DOZES AS SPECTER TELLS HIM HOW HE CONCOCTED "SINGLE BULLET THEORY" OUT OF WHOLECLOTH WHEN HE WAS CHIEF COUNSEL FOR WARREN COMMISSION

COUNTY'S 911 GLITCH RE-ROUTED HUNDREDS OF CALLS TO FEMALE ESCORT SERVICE

WHEN BUSTY CANDY AND OVARIA SHOWED UP AT HEART ATTACK VICTIM TIM MURRAY'S FRONT DOOR, HE DIED ON THE SPOT

PITTSBURGH MAYORAL CANDIDATES LINE UP FOR NEXT YEAR'S RACE

HOLLYWOOD FILM CREW GETS CRANE SHOT OF CANDIDATES TO BE USED IN EXODUS SCENE OF REMAKE OF "TEN COMMANDMENTS"

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, better known as "Baghdad Bob," replaces Dick Skrinjar as mayoral spokesman

"IF I HAD BEEN HERE ALL ALONG, PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE BOB O'CONNOR IS STILL ALIVE"

Republican Chairman Ken Mehlman To Marry Former Steeler QB in Civil Ceremony: “It’s Time This Secret Was No Longer”

Washington D.C. - Just one day after suggestions of his homosexuality were aired by talk show host Bill Maher on “Larry King Live,” Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman sent shockwaves through both Washington and Pittsburgh on the same day.

Mehlman first announced on Sunday morning’s “Meet the Press” that he will be stepping down as RNC Chairman in January, but declined to answer host Tim Russert’s questions about his plans for the future, and also refused to comment on Maher’s speculation about his personal life. Just hours later, however, Mehlman resurfaced in Pittsburgh for an appearance on Fox Network’s “NFL on Fox” with long-time close friend and former Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Terry Bradshaw.

Only minutes into that appearance, Mehlman and Bradshaw shocked the crowd with their surprise announcement that they have been long time companions and plan to marry one another in a civil union in Vermont this coming weekend. Muffled boos first arose from the stunned crowd, until Bradshaw was successful in getting the normally restrained Mehlman to break into dance with him to the tune of the “Steeler Polka.” Just moments later, teary-eyed Steeler fans began clapping and dancing along with Bradshaw and Mehlman. Steeler fan Bob Mierzwa of Carrick summed it all up when he said, “I thought they was just jaggin me at first, but then I realized that Bradshaw was really a queer after all. You can’t criticize the man though, cause he still won those Super Bowl rings for us.”

KENNYWOOD TO TURN KILBUCK WAL-MART SITE INTO THEME PARK CALLED MUDCASTLE

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY PELOSI

RICK SANTORUM TO MOVE TO COMMUNITY WITH OLD-FASHIONED VALUES TO MATCH HIS OWN

BUSH WITHDRAWS GATES NOMINATION FOR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, TAPS JOEY PORTER

PRESIDENT CITES PORTER'S PREDICTION THAT STEELERS WOULD BEAT THE SAINTS: "THAT'S THE KIND OF LEADER I NEED AT THE PENTAGON"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush withdrew his nomination of Robert M. Gates for Secretary of Defense and said he has asked Steelers linebacker Joey Porter to take the job. The President said his decision was clinched following the Steelers' victory on Sunday over the Saints, which Porter boldly predicted last Wednesday. Porter was quoted in a Pittsburgh newspaper as saying, "We will come back with a victory on Sunday."

"I realized that we were heading in the wrong direction in Iraq," the President told a hastily called news conference. "Joey Porter brings a brash braggadocio to the job that has been sadly missing these past six years. He's a man who will pronounce, with cockiness and without equivocation, that victory in Iraq will occur on a certain date, regardless of whether that pronouncement is feasible."

Porter told reporters that he has the solution to move America out of its Iraqi quagmire. "We, as a nation, haven't lost our hunger to win. We're just having too many turnovers. You're not going to win the war when you have four, five turnovers per game, I mean per battle. The teams, or rather the insurgents you're playing are just too good for you to overcome that all the time."

Head of FDA recalls acetaminophen fondly

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Admininistration Andrew C. von Eschenbach recalled the widely used pain reliever acetaminophen today.

"How fondly I recall acetaminophen!" said Eschenbach. "I look back misty-eyed at the many happy times it relieved my headaches. I love that pill!"

ALAN "SHANE" LADD ADMITS TO KILLING JACK PALANCE: "I HAD NO CHOICE, HE DREW ON ME," SAID LADD

AMERIGO BONASERA, THE UNDERTAKER FROM THE GODFATHER, SAYS THE ELECTION RESTORED HIS FAITH IN THE U.S.A.

"I BELIEVE IN AMERICA -- AGAIN"

JOE PATERNO LIKELY MUCH WORSE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT BECAUSE DICK SKRINJAR SAYS HE'S FINE

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Kennywood Park Awarded Contract for Light Rail Extension to North Side



PITTSBURGH - Port Authority officials reported at a news conference earlier today that Kennywood Park Associates has been awarded the lucrative $435 million light-rail extension contract from Downtown to the North Side.

The Port Authority has been under harsh criticism in the business community for plowing forward with the record cost project in the face of extremely low expected ridership studies. In the news conference, Henry Nutbrown, engineer-construction manager for the authority, unveiled conceptual drawings of the project design. “The selection of Kennywood for this project assures that there will be a constant flow of passengers who seek the thrill of a ride to the North Side,” reported Nutbrown.

The second phase of the project is still in planning stages, although Nutbrown reported that the Port Authority is working closely with Kennywood on the design of a sunken pirate ship stop at the end of the Clemente Bridge and an adults-only midway at the site of the Garden Theatre, both expected to be completed in 2011. Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl, who attended the news conference said “the timing of this is perfect for both me and the city.” Ravenstahl added, “In 2011, I should be tall enough to get off at all the stops.”

PATERNO SUSTAINS LEG INJURY, MAY HAVE TO BE PUT DOWN


MOUNT NITTANY - Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, recovering from surgery after breaking three bones in his leg in a freak sideline collision last Saturday afternoon, may have to be put down.

Dean Richardson, Chief of Surgery of Mount Nittany Medical Center, made the announcement this morning. "It's about as bad as it could be,"said Richardson, who described the delicate operation. "Joe's cannon bone, sesamoid, and long pastern bone were fractured, and he also dislocated his ankle joint." Richardson provided heretofore unknown details to reporters concerning the anesthetization process, and how the surgical team had to lower the crippled coach onto the table using a giant sling. Richardson said that several hours later, Paterno regained consciousness floating on a raft in a recovery pool. "The Coach was feeling good. He practically jogged back to his stall." However, Richardson warned, "I've been doing this too long to think we're out of the woods yet."

Richardson said Paterno would have to be carefully monitored over the next three months to guard against infections and other complications.

Penn State University President Graham Spanier said no decision on the legendary coach's future would be made for at least a week. "Our main concern, at this point, is to ensure that Joe is comfortable," he said. "We just don't want to him to suffer." Spanier said if Paterno does make a full recovery, he will never compete again. “We're just going to cut him loose on campus and put him out to stud."

Unmarried hoodlums complain Pittsburgh is bad town for singles, not conducive to crime

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh trails most cities its size in both livability for singles and in the number of crimes committed per capita, which is a bad combination for unmarried hoodlums.

Forbes.com ranks Pittsburgh 32nd out of 40 on this year's list of the best cities for singles. Moreover, Morgan Quitno Press' 13th annual survey, using FBI statistics, concluded that there were 68 cities in the United States with more crime per capita than Pittsburgh.


"Pittsburgh is a wasteland," said Trevor Jones, 20, an unmarried ex-con who lives in Bloomfield. "There's no job growth, no diversity, no nightlife," he said. "And it's very difficult to steal things."

Jones said he is forced to travel to West Virginia to get a date, and to commit crimes.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: ED BRADLEY IS EXAGGERATING LEUKEMIA

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ST. PETER ON 60 MINUTES THIS SUNDAY

MIKE WALLACE: "I HOPE ED BRADLEY AMBUSHES HIM"

ITALIAN-AMERICAN LOSES TOUGH FIGHT FOR SENATE, WILL RETURN TO GRIM LIFE IN MEAT-PACKING PLANT; VICTORIOUS CASEY VOWS "THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO REMATCH"

PHILADELPHIA - Italian-American Senator Rick Santorum, who lost a grueling re-election fight to the flamboyant Robert Casey on Tuesday, announced that he would return to his job in a local meat-packing plant. Sources close to the Senator said he will spend most of his time training for a sequel. The Senator also said he would consider resuming his part-time job as a debt collector for a small-time hoodlum to make ends meet.

"At this point, I've got eight mouths to feed, along with my turtles Cuff and Link. I've got to keep my options open." Santorum made the announcement after ascending to the top of the steps at the Museum of Art. He was flanked by his crusty, but lovable campaign manager Mickey and his mousy, devoted wife Adrian.

"My whole life has been a million to one shot," declared Santorum to a crowd of delirious Italian-American supporters who followed him during a final campaign swing through a crowded market, joining him on the Museum steps. "This entire journey has been a process of intense personal discovery," he said. "For instance, I discovered, after my poll numbers failed to improve during the late stages of the campaign, that I was Italian." The Senator said he regretted not attempting to exploit his ethnicity sooner. "If only I had known about it," he said.

Carbolic Smoke news

Check out the great Peter Leo in this morning's Post-Gazette where he references some Carbolic Smoke Ball stories as "indispensable fake news."

Join us tomorrow on WDVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy for our Weekly Roundup

Coming soon: Carbolic shirts, filled with classic Carbolic headlines. A great Christmas gift!

GATES TAPPED TO BE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE; MAY PAY OFF WARRING IRAQI FACTIONS TO END CONFLICT

ARCHITECT OF FLORIDA RECOUNT THAT MADE BUSH PRESIDENT IN 2000 LOSES SENATE BID IN LANDSLIDE, BUT CLAIMS SHE WON

BRADENTON, Florida - Katherine Harris, the controversial Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the 2000 Presidential election "recount" that put George Bush in the White House, lost her bid to unseat Senate incumbent Democrat Bill Nelson in a landslide. But that doesn't worry Harris. Even after the television networks declared her a decisive loser, she claimed she won.

"In my mind, I have counted the votes," she told her supporters, "and we have won!" The crowd cheered wildly, many with tears in their eyes as they recalled Harris' pivotal role in the 2000 election. Harris told them to pay no attention to the results announced on television. "Remember this: It doesn't matter how many people actually vote for you -- all that matters is how the votes are counted after-the-fact." The crowd stood and cheered for five solid minutes.

On her way out of the ballroom at the Bradenton Park Inn, Harris told reporters that her election night celebration drew in excess of 500 supporters. The Hotel's general manager, however, said Harris was wrong. "There were 25 or 30 people here, tops," said Park Inn general manager Chad Knox. "That lady must not know how to count."