COWHER WANTS TO QUIT WHILE "GLADIATORS" ROUTINE ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW IS ON TOP

PITTSBURGH - Bill Cowher will announce his retirement as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers today because he wants to "go out on top" while the popular "Gladiators" skit on DVE's Morning Show with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann is at its peak.

On "Gladiators," two ancient Steelers' fans named Minimus and Maximus discuss all manner of subjects with Cowher, with hilarious results. "With 'Gladiators,' we're firing on all cylinders right now, working at a level that will be impossible to sustain," said Cowher. "I don't want to be here when the quality slips, so I told Dan and Art [Rooney] that I want to go out while we're on top. I owe that to our 'Gladiators' fans and to Jim and Randy."

Cowher dismissed suggestions that he should have quit after the Super Bowl victory last year instead of presiding over a mediocre .500 season where the Steelers failed to make the playoffs. "I wasn't heartbroken that we had a so-so year," said Cowher. "That's football. But I just couldn't stand to be here if the 'Gladiators' started to slip."

WEIS DEVOURS BRADY QUINN AT PREGAME MEAL; IRISH GO ON TO LOSE TO LSU

NEW ORLEANS -- Notre Dame lost its ninth consecutive bowl game Wednesday night -- and its starting quarterback -- in a 41-14 loss to No. 4 LSU in the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Just hours before kickoff at the traditional pre-game team meal, starting quarterback Brady Quinn was reportedly standing near the dessert table when the incident occurred. “Brady didn’t see it coming,” said senior wide receiver Jeff Samardzija. “It was kind of a freak accident. There was only one piece of coconut cream pie left, and Coach Weis was so focused on it that he didn’t see Brady in his path,” said Samardzija.

Following the incident, it was questionable whether Notre Dame would take the field for the game. “The team took a vote,” said Irish athletic director Kevin White. “It was unanimous that Brady would have wanted them to play.”

Quinn, who was 22, was a Heisman finalist for the Irish, and was expected to be selected in the first round of this year’s NFL draft. New Orleans police superintendent Warren Riley refused to comment on the department’s investigation of Weis, although it is expected that he will be charged later today with involuntary manslaughter. Weis was unavailable for comment last night.

COWHER TO RESIGN TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY; HIS FAMILY PREFERS THAT HE CONTINUE EARNING HEAD COACH'S SALARY

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers will hold a news conference at 1:00 pm today to announce that head coach Bill Cowher is retiring to spend more time with his family. One of Cowher's children, Lindsay, spoke to this news source on condition of anonymity: "What makes him think we want to spend more time with him?" she asked. "He scares us. Besides, we already see enough of him. I mean, what the hell does he intend to do with us that requires such inordinate amounts of time that he has to quit his job? Hang out with us at the mall? Frankly, we'd prefer that he keep collecting that big head coach's paycheck, for obvious reasons."

LEMIEUX INSTITUTIONALIZED AFTER ADMITTING HE HAS VISIONS OF AN ICE ARENA IN THE MIDDLE OF A MIDWEST CORNFIELD

IN MARIO'S DELUSION, SHOELESS JOE JACKSON REFUSES TO WEAR SKATES

LEMIEUX MEETS WITH KANSAS CITY MAYOR, PROFESSOR MARVEL TO DISCUSS POSSIBLE FRANCHISE RELOCATION

CITY, COUNTY OFFICIALS WARN PENGUINS OWNER “THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME”

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: December 31, 12 A.D.

TWELVE YEAR OLD NAZARENE BOY WOWS ’EM AT THE TEMPLE WITH ENCYCLOPEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF SCRIPTURE, ORATORICAL SKILLS; CHIEF PHARISEE PREDICTS “THIS KID IS GOING PLACES!”

JAMES BROWN SPENDS FIRST NIGHT IN HEAVEN TEACHING ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, MARY TODD LINCOLN TO SHOUT AND SHIMMY

MAYOR OF KANSAS CITY TO LEMIEUX: NOTHING GOES WITH ICE HOCKEY LIKE VIOLENT TORNADOS, MILES AND MILES OF WHEAT, CORN

GERALD FORD ISSUES POSTHUMOUS PARDON TO CHEVY CHASE FOR HIS ROLE IN THE THREE AMIGOS, SPIES LIKE US

MICHAEL CORLEONE SUCCEEDS JAMES BROWN AS GODFATHER OF SOUL

IRAQI POLICE NAB STREAKER WHO DISRUPTED SADDAM EXECUTION

BAGHDAD - The streaker who disrupted Saddam Hussein's execution, Robert A. Haas of the United States, was arrested by Iraqi police today and charged with disorderly conduct and disrobing with intent to disrupt an ex-dictator's hanging.

Ironically, Haas's grandfather, Clinton Arthur Haas, was similarly arrested for streaking at the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1953.

Haas has no regrets. "Saddam looked over at me and chuckled," said Haas. "I guess I'm kind of proud that the last thing this madman saw before he died was my tallywacker."

BIN LADEN PLEDGES TO BUILD GREAT SOCIETY FOR TERRORISTS IN ANNUAL STATE OF AL QAEDA SPEECH, DECLARES HOLY WAR ON POVERTY

ONORATO BROTHERS ISSUE JOINT STATEMENT TO RESIDENTS OF WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA: STAY HOME

"YOU EITHER WON'T BE ABLE TO GET A BUS INTO TOWN BECAUSE YOUR ROUTE WAS CUT OR, IF YOUR ROUTE WASN'T CUT, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD A BUS RIDE; AND YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T AFFORD TO DRIVE AND PARK IN TOWN."

PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato and his brother David Onorato, acting director of the Pittsburgh Parking Authority, have issued a joint statement to the people of Western Pennsylvania: Stay home.

Yesterday, Dan backed the Port Authority's stunning announcement that it was jacking up fares and cutting more than half of its weekday routes. His brother, David, previously refused to lower parking fares despite the fact that the city rolled back the parking tax.

"We strongly urge anyone giving consideration to coming into downtown Pittsburgh to stay home," said the joint statement. "You either won't be able to get a bus into town because your route was cut, or if you are lucky enough not to have your route cut, the bus ride will be too expensive; and you certainly can't afford to drive to town given that our parking rates are the highest in the nation. In short, we don't need you; we don't want you; keep away."

Dan Onorato also announced that he would not run for Governor of Pennsylvania, acknowledging that his support of yesterday's Port Authority announcement scuttled any chances he had.

THOUSANDS OF IRAQIS PROTEST PRESENCE OF JOHN 3:16 GUY AT HUSSEIN HANGING

AUTHORITIES AT LOSS TO EXPLAIN PLACARD-CARRYING, RAINBOW-WIG WEARING MAN VISIBLE BEHIND GALLOWS IN EXECUTION VIDEO

PORT AUTHORITY WILL GO AHEAD WITH NORTH SHORE CONNECTOR, BUT ROUTE HAS ALREADY BEEN CUT

MARIO LEMIEUX PREPARES FOR ANY EVENTUALITY IN TODAY'S MEETING WITH GOV. RENDELL CONCERNING NEW ARENA

CALIFORNIA, WASHINGTON, D.C. AND MICHIGAN FUNERALS FOR GERALD FORD WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH, ONLY 8 MORE FORD FUNERALS TO GO

GOD TELLS PAT ROBERTSON HE WILL BE ASSASSINATED TO KEEP HIM FROM SAYING MORE RIDICULOUS THINGS

VIRGINIA BEACH - In religious broadcaster Pat Robertson’s annual predictions, he said that God told him that, for the good of the nation, he will be assassinated by U.S. covert forces to prevent him from saying more ridiculous things.

Robertson conceded that he could do God’s will simply by canceling his television program, but Robertson ruled that out because "the ratings are just too strong."

PORT AUTHORITY TO HOLD PUBLIC HEARINGS ON PROPOSED MASSIVE ROUTE ELIMINATIONS

ALL BUS, TROLLEY ROUTES PROVIDING TRANSPORTATION TO PUBLIC HEARINGS HAVE BEEN CUT

PORT AUTHORITY PROPOSES ROUTE CUTS, HIKES

No fare, just hikes: the new 67H line.

SECRET MEMO REVEALS PORT AUTHORITY'S RATIONALE FOR CHOOSING ROUTES TO BE CUT

"We must target routes with the heaviest percentage of dialysis, iron lung and chemotherapy patients and cut them first. It is safe to assume that, on average, those riders have comparatively shorter lifespans than the norm; accordingly, any fuss they might improvidently create over the cuts will be short-lived and easier to ride out." Port Authority CEO Steve Bland

STEVE BLAND PROPOSES ELIMINATION OF MORE THAN HALF OF PAT'S BUS ROUTES

"My dear riders, my plan is to scare the living daylights out of you so that you'll pressure your elected officials into increasing my funding." -- Steve Bland

Theater Review: "The Chief II": Tom Atkins stars in one-man show as G. Ogden Nutting

BY CHRISTOPHER RAWSON - Hot off the fourth run of his celebrated portrayal of Steelers patriarch Art Rooney in The Chief, the dean of Pittsburgh actors Tom Atkins takes on a decidedly more inscrutable subject in Chief II, G. Ogden Nutting, the mysterious principal owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Rob Zellers and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Gene Collier, authors of The Chief, also penned the new show, and Ted Pappas is back directing.

Atkins' honest performance, such as it is, can scarcely be faulted, but Zellers and Collier just can't find a way to shine a light on the reclusive newspaper tycoon. This is especially disappointing given their near-perfect concoction of warmth, nostalgia and humor in The Chief.

Chief II is set in a plush board room in Wheeling, West Virginia in the summer of 2003 where Nutting is preparing for an emergency meeting of the directors of the Pirates. The elderly man strolls on stage in a pinstripe suit and plops himself in a chair as far from the audience as possible. That is where he sits for the remainder of the show, neither moving nor uttering a single word.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but there is a sort of drama to it all, with an emphasis on "sort of." One imagines the kinds of fascinating exploits that someone like Nutting conceivably might relate if he would deign to speak. The wheeling and dealing in the rough-and-tumble newspaper industry; the yearning to pass on a legacy to his sons; the penny-pinching to squeeze a profit from the Pirates. The mind conjures up all manner of possibilities for the hour and one-half we sit doing nothing but staring at Atkins.

Finally, about three quarters of the way through the second act, Nutting's son, Bob Nutting, played with relish by local scene stealer Tim Hartman, strides on stage and engages his father in a private discussion to which the audience is not privy. Bob then approaches the audience and briefly explains that "my father prefers to stay in the background." The sound of the spoken word is somewhat jarring after so much silence. In any event, based on what we have just witnessed, Bob Nutting's statement seems to be the understatement of the century. Bob proceeds to assure us that the Nutting family is "serious about fielding a quality baseball team in Pittsburgh." Then, in what is apparently supposed to be the show's emotional high point, Bob turns to address the unseen Pirates' CEO Kevin McClatchy (we know he is addressing McClatchy because the program says so) and yells at the top of his lungs: "FIRE SALE, KEVIN! FIRE SALE! DUMP ARAMIS RAMIREZ'S SALARY! DUMP IT!" Ramiriz is one of the Pirates traded under the Nutting regime for whom the team received little, if any, talent in return. Immediately after this pronouncement, Bob dashes off stage. A few minutes later, G. Ogden Nutting rises from his chair and, without acknowledging the audience in any manner, thankfully exits.

Given the talent involved, it is regrettable to report that this one is strictly for die-hard Atkins fans. Ted Pappas advises that a video will be produced to preserve Atkins' performance for future generations (it is beyond comprehension that WQED supposedly cannot come up with funding for a production of the Rooney play but somehow got it for this). Pappas also notes that Zellers and Collier have been retained to author Chief III, a one-man show based on the life of the person, identity not yet known, who eventually will purchase the Penguins.

COWHER MAKES LONG-AWAITED ANNOUNCEMENT THAT SURPRISES NO ONE

"THE STEELERS STUNK THIS YEAR"

SADDAM’S WIDOW TO ESTABLISH SADDAM HUSSEIN SCHOLARSHIP FOR ASPIRING DICTATORS

BAGHDAD - The lawyer for the family of Saddam Hussein said the widow of the now-deceased former ruler of Iraq will establish a scholarship in his name to assist young sociopaths who require financial assistance in their ruthless quest for power. Attorney Saleh al-Armouti made the announcement at a press conference this morning. He was accompanied by Mr. Hussein’s wife, Jacqueline Kennedy Hussein, and her two children, Caroline and John-John Hussein.

“I can think of no better way to honor our martyred leader than to help create a worthy successor to his glorious reign of terror,” said Mr. al-Armouti. He went on to say that he believed conditions were ideal for a Saddam-like megalomaniac to rule Iraq once again. “But it would be an immense tragedy if that homicidal megalomaniac never got an opportunity to oppress, or kill because his family couldn’t afford to provide him with the education that all great dictators possess.”

Mr. al-Armouti explained that the scholarship was something that he had discussed with Mr. Hussein during his recent incarceration. “Saddam just felt like he wanted to give something back,” he said. The Saddam Hussein Scholarship, a renewable grant of ten American dollars, will be available for freshman students at Tikrit Teacher’s College beginning this academic year. Applications are available on-line, or at the Saddam Hussein Foundation Main Office located in beautiful downtown Baghdad. Applicants are expected to submit their completed application in writing, preferably at gunpoint, no later than May 1, 2007.

SADDAM EXECUTION VIDEO DRAWS CRITICISM

"CAMERA WORK, SOUND ARE AMATEURISH," SAYS QUENTIN TARANTINO; "ABSENCE OF HUMAN DRAMA THE WORK OF A HACK"

HOLLYWOOD - The grainy cell phone video of Saddam Hussein's execution, replete with inflammatory exchanges between Saddam and unseen guards, is being condemned around the world as a violation of human rights. The Holy See's daily, L'Osservatore Romano, for example, lamented it as "making a spectacle" of the execution and turning capital punishment into "an expression of political hubris."

But even worse than violating human rights, say Hollywood insiders, the video is the work of a hack, unoriginal in every detail, without suspense, and thoroughly humorless. "Every character is a one-dimensional cartoon," said Steven Spielberg. Variety slammed it in a front page review: "Even by the notoriously low standards of sadistic slasher pics, this video is a thoroughly nasty piece of work." Roger Ebert, recovering from recent surgery, scrawled a one-line review: "This video made me itch." He then gestured "thumbs down."

But the men and women who run the studios have a different take on it. They see it as the most-downloaded video in the history of the internet, and they want the director to step forward so they can sign him up to do a theatrical sequel. "It's no secret which sequel we'd like to make," said RKO Studios Chairman Bradleys Roadhouse. "Osama bin Laden's hanging. That's number one on our wish list because it would top the box office for at least three, possibly four or five weeks. Aside from ridding the world of a monster."

UDAY-UDAY SALUTES CASKET OF SLAIN FATHER, HEARTBREAKING PHOTOGRAPH PLUNGES GRIEVING NATION INTO DEEPER STATE OF MOURNING

COMCAST TECHNICIAN FINALLY ARRIVES AT CELL OF SADDAM HUSSEIN, APOLOGIZES FOR POOR SERVICE, PROMISES THREE MONTHS OF FREE DVR FOR NEXT OCCUPANT

PIRATES TO PAY UTILTYMAN HERNANDEZ $900K: HIGHEST PAID ELECTRICIAN IN HISTORY

BAATHISTS PROTEST SADDAM'S EXECUTION, REFUSE TO BATHE

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL GETS NEW LOOK

Click here to see the new format for The Wall Street Journal

JACK RUBY JR. LAMENTS FACT THAT HE WAS UNABLE TO FINISH OFF SADDAM

“I COULDN’T GET THE DAMN REVOLVER THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY,” SAYS SON OF OSWALD KILLER

BOB DOLE UNDER FIRE FOR VIAGRA PLUG WHILE SERVING AS PALLBEARER AT FORD FUNERAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Senator and Presidential candidate Bob Dole is under fire for doing a Viagra plug while serving as a pallbearer at former President Gerald Ford's funeral. Just as Ford's casket was about to be carried into the National Cathedral, Dole asked the honor guard and his fellow pallbearers to "hold up a second." Then he turned to a camera operated by a Viagra technician, adjusted his hair, and looking into the lens said in a playful tone of voice: "If I were naked right now, I could probably hold this casket up with no hands." He smiled to the camera for several seconds then turned to the honor guard and said, "let's go," and he proceeded to escort the casket into the Cathedral.

Several funeral guests, including former President George H.W. Bush, criticized Dole for exercising poor judgment. "I thought the line he delivered was real funny and all that," said the elder Mr. Bush, "but the timing wasn't very good. He should have waited until after the service when we were on our way out of the Cathedral. The line would have been even funnier then." But former President Clinton wasn't offended by the plug. "Did you hear what Dole said he could do?" a wide-eyed Clinton asked a reporter. "I didn't hear it myself, but it spread like wildfire throughout the church. That's really amazing stuff, that Viagra, isn't it?"

FORD FUNERAL MIRRORS HIS PRESIDENCY

ONORATO UNVEILS PLAN "C": PAT BUSES TO SHUTTLE HOCKEY FANS TO SEE PENGUINS PLAY IN KANSAS CITY

SECURITY TIGHT AS COLLEGE OF ROONEYS PREPARES TO MEET IN SECRET CONCLAVE TO APPOINT SUCCESSOR TO COACH COWHER

FAMILY VOWS NO LENGTHY INTERREGNUM; STEELERS SAY WATCH FOR BLACK AND GOLD SMOKE: BLACK SMOKE MEANS NO SUCCESSOR HAS BEEN CHOSEN, GOLD SMOKE MEANS SOMEONE HAS BURNED THE NACHOS AGAIN.

POLAR BEAR'S ANNUAL NEW YEAR'S DIP RULED INVALID DUE TO BALMY TEMPERATURES

PITTSBURGH - The International Polar Bear Committee invalidated the local chapter’s annual New Years Day swim because, the Committee said, the weather here was too warm to evidence true courage. However, when the Committee learned that the body of water the swimmers had immersed themselves in was the Monongahela River, the Committee not only reversed itself but ordered the swimmers to be examined by a Hazmat team.

HAPPY NEW YEAR: SPRING TRAINING STARTS NEXT MONTH

IN ACCORDANCE WITH HIS FINAL WISHES, SADDAM'S BODY ARRIVES IN MEMPHIS FOR BURIAL AT GRACELAND

HANGED DICTATOR ASKED THAT HE REST THROUGH ETERNITY "NO MORE THAN FIVE FEET FROM THE KING, ELVIS PRESLEY"

Go here to see the Carbolic Smoke Ball's top 50 stories of 2006

PLENTY OF CABINS AVAILABLE FOR WEST PENN AAA TRAVEL NEW YEARS CRUISE ON SS POSEIDON, CAPTAIN LESLIE NEILSON PROMISES RESTFUL, UNEVENTFUL TRIP FOR ALL

HORROR FILM ON IRAQI TV TONIGHT

BODY OF SADDAM TO HANG IN STATE

HUSSEIN EXECUTION: OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPH RELEASED

HONORARY HANGMAN CHARLTON HESTON VANQUISHES EX-DICTATOR "WITH MY BARE HANDS"

"SADDAM, WE HARDLY KNEW YE"

BUSH'S PHONE CALL TO COMMUTE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S DEATH SENTENCE COMES MINUTES TOO LATE

"GEE, I GUESS IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GET THIS OLD WATCH OF MINE FIXED!"

U.S. FORCES HAND OVER SADDAM TO IRAQIS