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SENATE RESOLVES TO REOPEN DISCUSSION ON RESOLUTION TO CONSIDER NON-BINDING MEASURE TO END TALKS ON BEGINNING OF DEBATE OVER MCCAIN-LEVIN COMPROMISE RESOLUTION ON IRAQ WAR

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said a deal was imminent between leaders of both parties to resume talks on beginning discussion over the timetable for the commencement of dialogue concerning the cessation of debate about the merits of a non-binding, bi-partisan resolution on the Iraq War. Leaders of both parties had expressed concern that the Senate was heading into a quagmire of rhetoric, making withdrawal from the issue difficult, if not impossible. Senator Carl Levin, (D-Mich.) expressed his dismay to reporters outside of his office. “I warned everybody who would listen before we got into this thing that we didn’t have a way out. We’ve been bogged down for weeks going over the same territory, and never getting anywhere.”

Others, however, were more sanguine. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-Ky.), shared Senator Reid’s optimism. “We’re not going to cut and run,” he said. “We’re going to keep talking about finding an appropriate time to start talking about the one thing everybody is talking about, and that is the war in Iraq.” McConnell rejected a call by some members of his party to establish a subcommittee to investigate possible benchmarks that must be met by the Senate on measuring progress towards bringing an end to the topic. “I don’t think that would accomplish anything,” he said. Then he paused, and stroked his chin. “But I’d certainly be willing to talk about it.”

CASEY HAMPTON SUSPECTED IN CONVENTION CENTER FLOOR COLLAPSE

PITTSBURGH - When a 6-inch-thick section of concrete flooring in a second-floor area of the David L. Lawrence Convention Center collapsed Monday, it sent steel, debris and equipment crashing 30 feet onto a walkway and decorative waterway below. As architects and engineers examine the debris to determine the cause of the collapse, signs are pointing to Steelers' nose tackle Casey Hampton. A crew supervisor working on the upcoming Auto Show said, "Casey Hampton had just walked through there, munching on what appeared to be a mastodon leg, and then the cracking and crumbling started." Hampton was at the Convention Center to test a reinforced platform where he is scheduled to sign autographs during the Auto Show next week.

Preliminary recommendations from city engineers are for the damaged sections to be replaced with high strength, pre-engineered panels and for autograph sessions to be limited to wide receivers and kickers.

FINAL CAR IN O'CONNOR FUNERAL PROCESSION REACHES CALVARY CEMETERY

RAVENSTAHL COMES OUT AGAINST CONVENTION CENTER COLLAPSE: "NOT COOL, DUDES"

PITTSBURGH -- At a joint press conference today, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and County Executive Dan Onorato responded to queries regarding the collapse of a portion of the David Lawrence Convention Center. "That was totally heinous," Ravenstahl said. "Completely not cool, dudes."

A large piece of the multi-million-dollar LEED Green-certified multi-named facility crashed 30 feet to the street below on Monday when a cherry-picker fell through the floor of the building. Ravenstahl expressed his empathy for the driver, who was not injured, but was stuck in the machine for about half an hour. "One time, I fell through the floor at the Delta Chi house and, man, it was intense," Ravenstahl said.

Onorato consoled concerned citizens with promises that someone would be fired.
"I assure you, someone will take the fall for this," Onorato said. "And I can further assure you, that person will be one of Luke's enemies." He then turned to Ravenstahl for a high five, chest bump and air guitar.

BREAKING NEWS: ASTRONAUT HELD ON CHARGE OF ATTEMPTED MURDER

DR. BELLOWS TO CONDUCT THOROUGH PSYCHIATRIC INVESTIGATION, POLICE SAY MAJORS NELSON, HEALY, COLONEL STEVE AUSTIN “LIKELY VICTIMS”

TUESDAY'S SCHOOL CLOSINGS

• BAGHDAD CITY SCHOOLS TWO HOUR DELAY;
• KHOMEINI MIDDLE SCHOOL TWO HOUR DELAY;
• MOQTADA AL-SADR MARTYRDOM ACADEMY TWO HOUR DELAY;
• GRAND IMAM ALI SISTANI AREA SCHOOLS TWO HOUR DELAY, NO MORNING KINDERGARTEN;
• SADDAM HUSSEIN TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, CLOSED.

GHOST OF LAWRENCE WELK HAUNTS WILLIAM PENN, SAY EMPLOYEES

SURLY SPECTRE OF CHAMPAGNE MUSIC MAKER COMPLAINS ABOUT RAP MUSIC, COFFEE SERVED AT HOTEL

PITTSBURGH - It is the stuff of legend that accordian player-turned-band leader Lawrence Welk got his big break at Pittsburgh's William Penn Hotel in the 1930's when an unidentified dancer said Welk's band's sound was as "light and bubbly as champagne." From then on, Welk's distinctive sound was known the world over as "Champagne music." Welk never forgot Pittsburgh, apparently even in death. Although Welk died almost fifteen years ago, he is making a comeback of sorts at the William Penn, according to members of the housekeeping staff and a bartender who claim they have seen Welk skulking about the hotel in recent weeks.

"I saw him a one and a two times," said jittery hotel maid Velveeta Lugosi-Welk (no relation to the ghost), "and it was not wunnerful, wunnerful." She described Welk as wearing a blue pastel polyester suite, with wide lapels and a "loud" shirt-tie combination.

Bartender Bradleys Welk (no relation to the ghost) told the Carbolic Smoke Ball: "[Welk] just floated into the tap room and told me turn off that rap music. I turned it off even though it wasn't rap music, it was Simon and Garfunkel." The bartender said he was more annoyed than frightened by Welk's apparition. "But, it did creep me out when those bubbles started dropping from the ceiling his band started to play Winchester Cathedral," he said. "I thought it was a terrorist attack or something."

SENATOR BIDEN PLACES PHONE CALL TO COLTS LOCKER ROOM, CONGRATULATES COACH DUNGY ON VICTORY, PERSONAL HYGIENE

BITTER COLD DESCENDS UPON REGION, SHUT-INS PASSING THE TIME WITH PINOCHLE, CANNIBALISM

MISS PENNSYLVANIA EUTHANIZED AFTER BREAKING LEG DURING POST-MISS AMERICA APPEARANCE AT BEAVER VALLEY MALL

BEAVER BEAUTY MEETS UNTIMELY DEATH DOING WHAT SHE LOVED

BEAVER - Emily Wills, the 24-year-old Pennsylvania University graduate and Beaver native, who recently skyrocketed to local fame after winning the swimsuit competition at this year’s 2007 Miss America Pageant at the Aladdin/Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas, was euthanized after doctors determined that a shattered right hind leg was inoperable.

Ms. Wills injured her leg while speaking to a group of young Miss America hopefuls at the Beaver Valley Mall Sunday in a promotion dubbed, “Super Girl Sunday," billed as an alternative for females who desired to do something other than watch the Colts trample the Bears. Wills' “Dream Big, Eat Small” speech was met with wild enthusiasm from the audience of mostly tweens and their mothers, who listened with great interest to the mesmerizing, mid-morning lecture before embarking on a day of marathon shopping.

The devastating moment occurred when the swimsuit competition winner sidestepped in her Manolo Blahnik’s to exit the makeshift stage, and her right hind leg torqued out at a gruesome angle.

A father in attendance, who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation and being branded a homosexual by his male neighbors, said he hadn’t seen anything like it since Pirates second basemen Jose Castillo was carried off the field in August 2005 with a torn ligament after St. Louis infielder Hector Luna’s hard slide wiped him out during a double play.

“It’s a shame. Never before in the history of the Miss America pageant has any contestant ever met such a tragic death. If only she had worn the Jimmy Choos,” said a pageant official. “UPMC Beaver Valley officials made every heroic effort to save her, but when they were unable to remove stiletto shrapnel from her hind quarter, they resigned themselves to euthanasia, believing it to be the only humane thing to do.” A young male fan of the Miss America pageant, who also asked not to be identified, said that Wills' death, unlike the contest itself, was not in vain. “It is a testament to those equine-like thighs, taut buttocks and perky breasts that we care so much,” said the mournful young man.

Funeral services will be private.

PENNSYLVANIA HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES DEBATES RESOLUTION OPPOSING ARCTIC AIR MASS, RENDELL CALLS FOR TAX ON JET STREAM

DEE THOMPSON FREEZES NUTS OFF

PITTSBURGH - WPXI Reporter Dee Thompson froze his nuts off earlier today while reporting weather conditions on the Parkway East for this morning’s segment of Channel 11 News. Doctors at Mercy Hospital were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach the damaged organs.

MISCHIEVOUS COLTS REPLACE GATORADE WITH RADIOACTIVE WASTE, COACH DUNGY IN CRITICAL CONDITION

NOT TO BE MISSED -- MARK THE DATE: FEBRUARY 24, 2007 AT CEFALO'S

JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, PICKS SUPER BOWL WINNER AND EXACT SCORE

At noon on Sunday, more than six hours before kickoff of the Super Bowl, our new sports analyst, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder, predicted the correct outcome and exact score of the big game. Congratulations, Greek!

STATE DEPARTMENT RELEASES LIST OF MOST DANGEROUS TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS

Following reports that blinking electronic devices planted around Boston turned out to be a publicity stunt for a television show, the State Department published a list of the terrorist organizations that pose the greatest threat to the United States. Topping the list are al-Qa’ida; Hezbollah; and the Cartoon Network.

AIRBAGS FILLED WITH DORITOS™ DEBUT

MIAMI - In a television advertisement that debuted during the Super Bowl last night, Frito-Lay announced that it is partnering with Toyota Motors to stock every new car made by the Japanese auto behemoth with air bags filled with Doritos™ snack foods.

"We have determined that the combination of Doritos' ingredients, namely ground corn, corn oil, and seasoning, provides the perfect resistance upon impact to significantly reduce the risk of serious passenger injury," said Frito-Lay's chairman Bradleys Roadhouse in a half-time press conference. "Isn't it amazing? We've had this wonderful lifesaving material available to us all this time, and we've been eating it."

The new concept was tried in Toyota Priuses manufactured the first three months of 2006, and it worked well. "We had just one fatality, and it was only because the car was blindsided by a tractor trailer," said Roadhouse. "The police told us that when they pried that car open with the 'jaws of life,' they were greeted by the wonderful trademarked aroma of our Spicy Nacho flavor," he said. "That's certainly a welcome scent in the midst of carnage, don't you think?"

Roadhouse explained that airbags for some luxury models will give the consumer gourmet-flavored options, such as Salsa and Ranchero.

POST-GAZETTE BECOMES FIRST MAJOR U.S. DAILY TO PROVIDE ONE-HUNDRED YEAR WEATHER FORECASTS

"THIS IS JUST ANOTHER FEATURE THAT SEPARATES US FROM THE INTERNET," SAID POST-GAZETTE'S BRIAN O'NEILL

“From Harrisburg, With Love”

PORT AUTHORITY CEO TO STAR IN NEW FILM FRANCHISE, URBANE CHARMER WILL HAVE LICENSE TO KILL SIXTY PER CENT OF BUS ROUTES

"The name is Bland. Steve Bland."

McDONALDS' COFFEE JUDGED BEST TASTING, MOST EFFECTIVE TO BURN GENITALS

FAA FINES DELTA CEO FOR INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO US AIRWAYS OFFER

PUNXSUTAWNEY LOOKS TO AVOID REPEAT OF THIS YEAR'S DISASTROUS GROUNDHOG DAY

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The Inner Circle of the Groundhog Club met over the weekend and voted not to invite Vice President Cheney to return to future Groundhog Day ceremonies following Friday's disastrous events. This year's Groundhog Day festivities were marred when Cheney, honorary master of ceremonies, inexplicably shot Punxsutawney Phil in the face as he emerged from his den. The Vice President then fled into nearby woods, and the wounded groundhog was transported to a local animal hospital where he was treated for minor injuries.

In an attempt to salvage the event, organizers quickly recruited legendary Pittsburgh weatherman Joe DeNardo to serve as the groundhog's stand-in. However, as DeNardo emerged from the groundhog's den, a shot was fired from the woods, creating pandemonium in the already shaken crowd. Secret Service agents ran toward the area where the shot emanated and were able to wrestle a shotgun from the Vice President as he was drawing a bead to take another shot at the terrified DeNardo.

Asked if he had seen his shadow, an obviously shaken DeNardo replied, "That dark blotch on the ground wasn't a shadow. That was my urine."

KANSAS CITY'S SPRINT ARENA TO MOVE TO PITTSBURGH

KANSAS CITY - Tired of waiting for either an NHL or NBA franchise, Sprint Arena announced today that it is leaving Kansas City for a new home in Pittsburgh. A spokesperson read a statement on behalf of the Sprint Arena: “I certainly appreciate the efforts of local leaders to keep me in Kansas City, but it has become obvious that no self-respecting NHL or NBA franchise has any intention of ever moving here. Kansas City is a one-horse town, and always will be.” Hopes had been high in recent weeks for Kansas City to lure the NHL’s Pittsburgh Penguins, which would make Sprint Arena their new home.

After the Sprint Arena hinted at moving, Mayor Kay Barnes offered it numerous incentives to remain in Kansas City, including regular paint jobs and periodic HVAC upgrades. In the end, it was not enough. A stunned Mayor Barnes first learned of the Arena’s decision to move just minutes before the press conference. "We were convinced that the Arena would not leave because of the many exciting events it hosted," she said. Mayor Barnes cited the recent Smuckers Stars on Ice spectacular, and next month’s World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions tour as evidence of the city’s efforts to make good use of the new arena.

JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, PREDICTS COLTS OVER BEARS, 29-17

Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder has been dead since 1996 but he can still pick winners. We provide him a forum on this Web site as an accommodation to our friends in the illegal gambling community.

Just six hours from kickoff in the biggest game of the year, the Greek says this: "I predict a very sloppy game, due largely to anticipated weather conditions, with multiple fumbles and neither team playing their best. In the end, Manning and the Colts are too good to stop, and I predict the outcome will be Colts 29, Bears 17."

PUNXSUTAWNEY GROUNDHOG CLUB'S "INNER CIRCLE" CHARGED WITH KIDNAPPING

NATALEE HOLLOWAY DISCOVERED WITH "PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL" IN BURROW UNDER TREE STUMP AT GOBBLER'S KNOB

GUEST EDITORIAL: PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL TOO FAT, JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF OUR RAMPANT CULTURAL OBESITY

BY JACK LALANNE, THE GODFATHER OF FITNESS: Punxsutawney Phil has been packing on the pounds lately, and it’s hard not to notice. Like millions of Americans, his weight has spiraled out of control.

It’s evident that those who celebrate Phil’s annual emergence from his no-doubt expanding hole in the ground are the very ones guilty of forcing him into their own pot-bellied molds they‘ve made for themselves.

Every February 2, thousands of revelers gather to eat and drink in excess -- not coincidentally, at a venue where the name even encourages over-consumption, Gobbler’s Knob.

Let’s face it: the rest of the year, nobody gives a doggone about Phil -- or his cholesterol, for that matter. We parade him around as some mystical prognosticator for a few fleeting moments, objectifying his fat, furry ass, but then we leave him to his own devices for the remainder of the year, during which time he does nothing but sleep in his burrow for months on end, unmotivated and no doubt depressed after a brief summer of gluttonous eating.

And what do you think happens to all of that food? It’s turned into fat, that's what. Believe me, I know -- after all, I'm 92-year old Jack Lalanne, the godfather of fitness. Is this the kind of example we want to set for our kids or, for that matter, other groundhogs?

Phil's sedentary lifestyle cannot continue or he'll surely meet a premature death. And diet pills are only a temporary salve, not a solution.

Phil needs to start walking, and it’s about time those pudgy men in funny hats take responsibility for what they’ve done. Phil is not “big-boned.” Just because he’s called a groundhog doesn’t mean he has to look like one, dammit.

It’s time we consider renaming the hallowed grounds of Gobbler's Knob to Nibbler’s Knoll, and eating rice cakes. And maybe get Phil one of those wheels that hamsters use for exercise before the gluttonous pig kills himself.

THE ENTIRE STAFF OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL WISHES YOU A HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY

BLOODBATH IN PUNXSUTAWNEY

JOEY PORTER'S DOGS KILL PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL AS HORRIFIED CROWD LOOKS ON

SCROLL DOWN FOR OUR LOOK BACK TO SUPER BOWL WEEK 2006

JESSE JACKSON SAYS HE WAS WRONG TO INITIALLY EXCUSE BIDEN'S COMMENTS, APOLOGIZES TO HIMSELF

BIDEN CLARIFIES STATEMENT ON OBAMA

WASHINGTON - It’s been a busy week for Delaware Senator Joe Biden. First, he announced that he was throwing his hat in the ring to be the Democratic Party's nominee in the 2008 presidential election. Just 24 hours later, he found himself at the center of unwanted media attention for his statement that presidential hopeful Barack Obama is the “the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Meeting with reporters today, Biden explained his statement.

“I did not mean to say that Barack is the first clean African American,” said Biden. “What I meant to say is that Barack is the first clean African American who is also articulate, bright and nice looking. Certainly, Jesse Jackson seems clean, but he isn’t mainstream. Al Sharpton is articulate, but he’s not very clean with all that gel in his hair. Shirley Chisolm was articulate and bright, but she wasn’t easy on the eyes.” Biden added about Obama: “Believe me, I’ve seen him showering in the Senate locker room, and this may sound a little bit homo, but I think he’s nice looking.”

Last year, Biden was criticized for his statement “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Responding to criticism from minority groups that he is not in touch with the challenges still facing minorities, Biden shot back, “Everyone knows that I wasn’t serious about the Dunkin’ Donuts thing. There are lots of Indians working in those little junk shops and gas stations too.”

BIDEN APOLOGIZES TO MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, VAL PORTER, MR. CLEAN

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for Senator Joe Biden apologized today for Biden’s description of Pittsburgh ’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl as “young and dirty.” The spokesperson said Biden was simply trying to spread his own appeal to young people, noting that “'riding dirty' is a good rapster thing, dude." According to a press release, “Senator Biden believes that perhaps a better word for 'young' would have been 'clean.'"

Biden also apologized to WDVE radio personality Val Porter, whom he called "a clean, young thing.” Biden called Porter to apologize. "I should not have called you a 'thing,'" he said. "I forgot my mom’s words to keep the 'thing' in my pants. I should have called you a fresh, young broad.”

Biden reportedly also called Procter & Gamble to apologize for publicly referencing Mr. Clean.

OUR LOOK BACK TO SUPER BOWL WEEK 2006

1/31/06: AMERICA WONDERS: WHY DO PITTSBURGHERS SAY THAT "THE STILLERS" ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL?

PITTSBURGHERS OFFER HUMAN SACRIFICES TO JEROME BETTIS

STEELER GREAT URGES LOCALS TO "COOL IT -- THE [HUMAN] SACRIFICES AND OTHER ACCOLANDES ARE A DISTRACTION" FROM UPCOMING SUPER BOWL

STEELER JEROME BETTIS IS A MODEL OF COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT

BETTIS IS EVERYWHERE, DOING EVERYTHING . . .

JEROME BETTIS PULLS THE SAME "PLEASE-TAKE-ME-HOME" STUNT ON HIS TEAMMATES EVERY YEAR -- AND "HOME" IS WHEREVER THE SUPER BOWL IS BEING PLAYED

LAST YEAR, IT WAS JACKSONVILLE; THE YEAR BEFORE, HOUSTON. THE TRUTH IS, HE'S REALLY FROM HOBOKEN

PITTSBURGH - By now everyone in Pittsburgh, from the most ardent Steeler fan to folks who don't know the difference between a field goal and a touchdown, has heard the heartfelt tale about how Jerome "the Bus" Bettis pleaded with his teammates before last Sunday's AFC Championship game to "take me home" to Detroit, where Super Bowl XL is being played.

What the good folks in Pittsburgh don't know is that Bettis pulls this same stunt every year. He's not from Detroit. The only time he's ever been there is when the Steelers have played there. He was born and raised in Hoboken, New Jersey, on the same street as Frank Sinatra.

Last year before the AFC Championship, Bettis also pleaded with his teammates to "take me home" -- but it was to Jacksonville, which is where the Super Bowl was being played. The year before, it was Houston, and so on, going back to his first year as a Steeler. One Steeler, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Bettis must have more homes than Prudential Realty.

Oh, and that lovely elderly couple that the TV commentators constantly identify as Bettis' parents? You guessed it. They are equity actors hired by Bettis' agent. Bettis has never even met them. And they're not from Detroit, either. After football season, they go back to their real home to act in summer stock theater -- minutes outside London.

PITTSBURGH NEWSPAPER ALL SET FOR ANY SUPER BOWL OUTCOME

2/2/06: CROWD STUNNED AT STEELER RALLY WHEN MTV ANNOUNCES PITTSBURGH HAS BEEN "PUNK'D": STEELERS ARE NOT IN SUPER BOWL

PITTSBURGH - A raucous noon-time rally that packed thousands of joyous Steeler fans onto Forbes Avenue today to root on their team just three days before the Super Bowl quickly turned to stunned silence when it was revealed that the Steelers are not really in the Super Bowl after all but that an elaborate practical joke had been played on the entire Pittsburgh region to make us believe they were. The news was greeted by anger, tears and disbelief. A rash of suicides have been reported throughout the region.

Five minutes after the rally started, just after Jimmy Pol's Steeler Polka had worked the Terrible Towels into a frenzy, Pittsburgh Police escorted an MTV van through the crowd, pictured above. The crowd grew silent and confused as Ashton Kutcher, host of MTV's Punk'd, a modern-day version of Candid Camera, emerged. A giggling Kutcher took to the stage and announced that the entire city of Pittsburgh had been "Punk'd" -- Denver, not Pittsburgh, really won the AFC Championship, and the Steelers are not in the Super Bowl. Kutcher said that the gag was the brainchild of Pittsburgh Post-Gazette writing guru Peter Leo. Kutcher then introduced Jerome Bettis, who emerged smiling from the MTV van to polite, but perplexed, applause. "The Bus" told the crowd that "the joke is on Pittsburgh." The Steelers actually lost to Denver 17-0 "but Pittsburgh never saw the real game," he said. Bettis explained that his two fumbles in that game allowed the Broncos to score two touchdowns "which made all the difference." On top of that, Bettis announced, "I'm not really from Detroit."

Kutcher then chronicled the elaborate steps MTV took to pull off the gag, which is believed to be the most expensive practical joke in history aside from the Kennedy assassinations. In essence, the entire nation was in on it, except Pittsburgh. Every major media outlet fed phony news into the Pittsburgh region for the past ten days. "This obviously was our greatest stunt yet," Kutcher said proudly as the crowd stood in paralyzed, tearful astonishment.

2/3/06: TRAGEDY IN DETROIT: ROSA PARKS' BUS MOWS DOWN JEROME "THE BUS" BETTIS DURING HIS MORNING JOG

FIRST OUTING IN YEARS FOR DETROIT MUSEUM PIECE HALTS BETTIS' TRIP TO SUPER BOWL. STEELER COACH COWHER FINDS IRONY IN "ONE BUS MOWING DOWN ANOTHER."

DETROIT - Popular Pittsburgh Steeler Jerome Bettis, nicknamed "The Bus," was mowed down this morning while jogging by another famous bus -- the one on which civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat in 1955. The Rosa Parks bus usually is on display in the Henry Ford Museum but was put back into commission this week as part of Detroit's Super Bowl festivities. Ironically, it was transporting a group of Seattle Seahawks on a sightseeing tour when the accident occurred. Bettis was immediately carried onto the bus to be transported to a local hospital, but Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren, who is caucasian, refused to give up his front row seat for the Steeler.

2/4/06: SUPER BOWL MAY BE PUSHED BACK ONE WEEK DUE TO DEATH OF AL "GRANDPA MUNSTER" LEWIS

DETROIT - The National Football League is considering postponing the Super Bowl for one week due to the death last night of Al Lewis, 95, who played television's Grandpa Munster on the award winning series, The Munsters from 1964-1966. The NFL has not faced a dilemma of this nature since two days after the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, when it decided to scrap every scheduled game in honor of the fallen President. The Commissioner's office issued a terse statement this morning noting that it was "considering" the postponement "in light of Mr. Lewis' incalculable contribution to the arts as [Grandpa Munster] and in recognition of the unequaled joy he has given generations of Americans through the miracle of re-runs."

2/6/06: PITT STUDENTS RIOTING OVER SUPER BOWL VICTORY ENTICE CMU KIDS TO JOIN IN MAYHEM BY SHOWING THEM DRAWINGS OF MUHAMMAD

2/7/06: PITTSBURGH OVERSIGHT BOARD SEIZES LOMBARDI TROPHY AT STEELER RALLY, PLANS TO AUCTION IT ON EBAY

"THE TROPHY IS A FORM OF TAXABLE REVENUE, AND THE CITY HAS TO GET ITS SHARE," SAYS OVERSIGHT BOARD CHAIRMAN JOHN MURRAY

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers came home today, to the capital of the Steeler Nation, where they were feted by tens of thousands of fans for bringing the Lombardi Trophy back to the Steel City for the first time in 26 years. There were so many Terrible Towels waving that Pittsburgh's Buhl Planetarium says it looked like an ocean of gold from the Hubble Telescope in outer space. Pittsburgh Police were helpless to stop the massive crowd from breaking through the barriers and spilling onto Fifth Avenue, forcing marching bands to proceed practically single-file. Jerome Bettis rode in the last car, clutching the Lombardi Trophy.

When the parade reached Point State Park and a joyous round of fireworks exploded in the cold afternoon air, the champions were startled to see in the crowd the state-appointed oversight board that oversees all expenditures of the financially strapped city. Oversight Board Chairman Dr. John E. Murray approached Tommy Maddox, who was put in charge of guarding the Lombardi Trophy, and demanded that he hand it over. "They claimed that the [Lombardi] Trophy is a form of taxable revenue," explained a perturbed Coach Bill Cowher. Cowher yelled for Maddox to lateral the trophy to him, but Dr. Murray intercepted it. The giant crowd booed Maddox mightily. "Leave it to Maddox to blow the biggest play of the year," said one Steeler who asked not to be identified.

The Oversight Board plans to sell the trophy on Ebay and take the City's share before handing over the remainder to the Steelers.

2/7/06: TWO-HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND FANS JAM GOLDEN TRIANGLE FOR STEELER VICTORY RALLY, HOST GARRISON KEILLOR BOOED OFF STAGE

PITTSBURGH - Over a quarter of a million black and gold faithful filled downtown Pittsburgh yesterday in a raucous celebration of the fifth world championship for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but it began on a rancorous note when host Garrison Keillor was booed off the stage by rowdy fans.

Keillor, the celebrated author and popular host of National Public Radio's Prairie Home Companion, attempted to entertain the crowd by recounting a tale of his Minnesota childhood involving former Chicago Bears running back Red Grange, a Guernsey cow and three bales of hay. Putting his finger to his mouth with one hand and gently flapping his other arm up and down, Keillor began his monologue, only to be repeatedly interrupted by threats, obscenities and imprecations relating to the sexual appetites of his mother. At that point, Keillor threw his script into the air and tossed his microphone to the ground before storming off the stage. Steeler Victory Rally co-host Hugh Downs begged Keillor to return, but to no avail. Downs emceed the rest of the rally by himself. Keillor issued a statement later in the day saying that he "regretted not being able to finish [his] anecdote, because it was wry and winsome. And if there's one thing a good victory rally needs, it's an anecdote that is wry and winsome." Keillor also said he only agreed to host the rally as a favor to his close friend Steeler linebacker Joey Porter. "Joey always has my back when we hit the clubs," said Keillor. "Now we're even."

2/7/06: Message from the Editor: Did anyone happen to find one black, left-hand glove? I dropped it somewhere along the parade route.

IN JACK WILSON'S NIGHTLY INTERVIEW WITH STAN SAVRAN, HE PICKS A DIFFERENT PERSON TO CRITICIZE EACH NIGHT

THIS PAST WEEK WILSON HAS CRITICIZED THE WORK ETHIC OF JOSE CASTILLO; TV TALK SHOW HOST LARRY KING; THE U.S. SUPREME COURT; RYAN SEACREAST; AND FIDEL CASTRO'S BROTHER RAUL