NASA IGNORED PRECEDENT THAT SHOULD HAVE WARNED IT OF NOWAK'S PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
IN 2001, THE HAL-9000 COMPUTER ON THE DISCOVERY ONE JUPITER MISSION SLIPPED INTO DIAPERS JUST BEFORE IT WENT ON MURDEROUS RAMPAGE
ALL CONVENTION CENTER EVENTS TEMPORARILY MOVED TO WABASH TUNNEL
AUTO SHOW ATTENDEES URGED TO WEAR COATS; DON BARDEN PONDERS USING WABASH TUNNEL AS TEMPORARY CASINO
HOMESTEAD KINDERGARTEN STUDENT TAPPED TO BE COURTROOM ARTIST FOR LIBBY TRIAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Five-year old Tiffany Bartholomew, a student a Homestead Kindergarten, was selected last week to assume the duties of courtroom artist in the perjury trial of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Tiffany's mother revealed this afternoon. Pictured above is Tiffany's rendering of NBC newsman Tim Russert, who testified today. "The man has a microphone," Tiffany explained.According to U.S. District Clerk of Courts Bob Haas, Tiffany's sample drawing submission "blew everyone away. She draws people's souls." Haas explained that he "wanted to get away from the drab court room picture. The spirit of the trial is what's important." Haas also revealed he is looking for writing samples from fourth and fifth grade students. The lucky winner will help the Judge write the judicial opinions for the case. "Kids are honest," said Haas, "and that's more important than knowing all about the law and so forth."
RENDELL'S BUDGET INCLUDES COST OF NEW LINENS FOR HIS TABLE AT MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE
NO MORE MONEY FOR PORT AUTHORITY
FCC FINES WPXI REPORTER FOR EXCESSIVE ALLITERATION, NEWS DIRECTOR PROMISES TO USE ALTERNATIVE LITERARY DEVICES IN FUTURE BROADCASTS
PITTSBURGH - The FCC has fined WPXI Channel Eleven and WPXI Westmoreland County Bureau Chief Alan Jennings one million dollars for violating the Clichés In Communications Act. The Act, or CICA, was signed into law by President Clinton in 1999. The CICA forbids local television reporters from using alliteration more than once during any sixty second on-air appearance. According to a statement released by the office of FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, the violations in question occurred during a piece by Jennings broadcast on February 6, 2007. Mr. Jennings, who was reporting on a series of burglaries in Hempfield Township , allegedly described the incidents as “dastardly, daring,” and “daylight.” He went on to call the perpetrators “crazed, crafty,” and “cretinous.”
This is not the first time Jennings has run afoul of the FCC. Last week, in the first of a three part series on how to assemble and wear layered clothing, Mr. Jennings referred to his scarf as “silky, sleek,” and “stylish.” That incident caused the FCC to send WPXI written notification that Mr. Jennings work was being reviewed by English professors for potential violations of the CICA. WPXI News Director Corrie Harding said he plans to meet with Mr. Jennings about using other literary devices. “I think Alan could work in a simile, or a metaphor every once in a while,” said Harding. “And I have no problem with the occasional use of assonance.” When asked if Mr. Jennings would be permitted to use onomatopoeia, Harding declined to answer. “I’ll have to check with our lawyers,” he said.
BUSH WANTS 2008 DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION AT PITTSBURGH'S CONVENTION CENTER
PREZ SAYS IT WOULD BE "A REAL HOOT TO SEE HILLARY FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR LIKE THAT TRUCK"
BONDS ADMITS STEROID USE
Started “juicing” after lousy throw in 1992 NLCS: "That [throw] was a wake-up call; I owe all my success to that tortoise Sid Bream."SAN FRANCISCO – In a rare and candid interview today, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds admitted for the first time that he has used steroids for years, in fact much earlier than previously thought.
“Those two reporters [Lance Williams and Marc Fainaru-Wada] wrote that I started using because I was jealous of Mark McGuire getting all the attention in 1998 for his home run record," Bonds said. "Man, that wasn’t it. I started using steroids after the National League Championship series against the Braves in 1992.” Pirates’ fans remember that series all too well. In Game 7, the Pirates held a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the ninth. With the bases loaded, Atlanta’s Francisco Cabrera hit a single to left, and Bonds’ high, arching throw failed to reach home plate before Sid Bream, who had been on second. At the time, Sid Bream was widely regarded as the slowest man in professional baseball -- perhaps any sport, professional or amateur --and his winning run drove a stake through the heart of Pittsburghers everywhere. For Bonds, it was a wake-up call. “I figured out that if I can’t throw out a gimpy white guy, I wouldn’t last much longer in the big leagues. That’s when I started using ‘supplements.’”
Post-Gazette columnist, statistical guru and longtime Pirates’ fan Brian O’Neill fumed that he is outraged. “I’m outraged,” he fumed. “If [Bonds] was going to destroy the integrity of the game anyway, why couldn’t he have done it at the start of the 1992 season instead of the end?"
Bonds is unfazed by the criticism. “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m looking to the future. If – make that 'when' – I break Hank Aaron’s home run record this season, Sid Bream will be in my VIP box right next to my wife, trainer, and ex-mistress. I owe that guy a lot.”
ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK TRIES TO KIDNAP ROMANTIC RIVAL FOR AFFECTION OF SHUTTLE PILOT, MAJOR TONY NELSON
PLOT THWARTED WHEN WOULD-BE VICTIM, BELOW, TURNED KIDNAPPER INTO A GOAT.
SEISMIC TESTS REVEAL CONVENTION CENTER BUILT ATOP ANCIENT BURIAL GROUND, AUTO SHOW PREPARATIONS "MUST HAVE ANGERED" THE SPIRITS
- Expert Tangina Barrons called in for site remediation: "Cross over children. All are welcome. Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light."
- Mayor Ravenstahl confronts convention center's construction manager: "You son of a bitch. You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the head stones! You only moved the head stones!"
NASA REVEALS THAT SPACE SHUTTLE DISCOVERY STRUCK BY MYSTERIOUS BEAM FROM ANOTHER GALAXY LAST SUMMER, ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK "NOT RIGHT" EVER SINCE
SPACE AGENCY BECAME "CONCERNED" WHEN SHE KEPT MUTTERING THAT SHE NEEDED TO CONTACT "THE MOTHER SHIP"
BOB THE BUILDER RETAINED TO REPAIR CONVENTION CENTER
LOCAL UNIONS PROTEST CONTRACT BEING AWARDED TO OUT-OF-STATE, NON-UNION SHOP
Breaking news
SENATE RESOLVES TO REOPEN DISCUSSION ON RESOLUTION TO CONSIDER NON-BINDING MEASURE TO END TALKS ON BEGINNING OF DEBATE OVER MCCAIN-LEVIN COMPROMISE RESOLUTION ON IRAQ WAR
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said a deal was imminent between leaders of both parties to resume talks on beginning discussion over the timetable for the commencement of dialogue concerning the cessation of debate about the merits of a non-binding, bi-partisan resolution on the Iraq War. Leaders of both parties had expressed concern that the Senate was heading into a quagmire of rhetoric, making withdrawal from the issue difficult, if not impossible. Senator Carl Levin, (D-Mich.) expressed his dismay to reporters outside of his office. “I warned everybody who would listen before we got into this thing that we didn’t have a way out. We’ve been bogged down for weeks going over the same territory, and never getting anywhere.”
Others, however, were more sanguine. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-Ky.), shared Senator Reid’s optimism. “We’re not going to cut and run,” he said. “We’re going to keep talking about finding an appropriate time to start talking about the one thing everybody is talking about, and that is the war in Iraq.” McConnell rejected a call by some members of his party to establish a subcommittee to investigate possible benchmarks that must be met by the Senate on measuring progress towards bringing an end to the topic. “I don’t think that would accomplish anything,” he said. Then he paused, and stroked his chin. “But I’d certainly be willing to talk about it.”
CASEY HAMPTON SUSPECTED IN CONVENTION CENTER FLOOR COLLAPSE
PITTSBURGH - When a 6-inch-thick section of concrete flooring in a second-floor area of the David L. Lawrence Convention Center collapsed Monday, it sent steel, debris and equipment crashing 30 feet onto a walkway and decorative waterway below. As architects and engineers examine the debris to determine the cause of the collapse, signs are pointing to Steelers' nose tackle Casey Hampton. A crew supervisor working on the upcoming Auto Show said, "Casey Hampton had just walked through there, munching on what appeared to be a mastodon leg, and then the cracking and crumbling started." Hampton was at the Convention Center to test a reinforced platform where he is scheduled to sign autographs during the Auto Show next week.Preliminary recommendations from city engineers are for the damaged sections to be replaced with high strength, pre-engineered panels and for autograph sessions to be limited to wide receivers and kickers.
RAVENSTAHL COMES OUT AGAINST CONVENTION CENTER COLLAPSE: "NOT COOL, DUDES"
PITTSBURGH -- At a joint press conference today, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and County Executive Dan Onorato responded to queries regarding the collapse of a portion of the David Lawrence Convention Center. "That was totally heinous," Ravenstahl said. "Completely not cool, dudes." A large piece of the multi-million-dollar LEED Green-certified multi-named facility crashed 30 feet to the street below on Monday when a cherry-picker fell through the floor of the building. Ravenstahl expressed his empathy for the driver, who was not injured, but was stuck in the machine for about half an hour. "One time, I fell through the floor at the Delta Chi house and, man, it was intense," Ravenstahl said.
Onorato consoled concerned citizens with promises that someone would be fired.
"I assure you, someone will take the fall for this," Onorato said. "And I can further assure you, that person will be one of Luke's enemies." He then turned to Ravenstahl for a high five, chest bump and air guitar.
BREAKING NEWS: ASTRONAUT HELD ON CHARGE OF ATTEMPTED MURDER
DR. BELLOWS TO CONDUCT THOROUGH PSYCHIATRIC INVESTIGATION, POLICE SAY MAJORS NELSON, HEALY, COLONEL STEVE AUSTIN “LIKELY VICTIMS”
TUESDAY'S SCHOOL CLOSINGS
- BAGHDAD CITY SCHOOLS TWO HOUR DELAY;
- KHOMEINI MIDDLE SCHOOL TWO HOUR DELAY;
- MOQTADA AL-SADR MARTYRDOM ACADEMY TWO HOUR DELAY;
- GRAND IMAM ALI SISTANI AREA SCHOOLS TWO HOUR DELAY, NO MORNING KINDERGARTEN;
- SADDAM HUSSEIN TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, CLOSED.
GHOST OF LAWRENCE WELK HAUNTS WILLIAM PENN, SAY EMPLOYEES
SURLY SPECTRE OF CHAMPAGNE MUSIC MAKER COMPLAINS ABOUT RAP MUSIC, COFFEE SERVED AT HOTEL
PITTSBURGH - It is the stuff of legend that accordian player-turned-band leader Lawrence Welk got his big break at Pittsburgh's William Penn Hotel in the 1930's when an unidentified dancer said Welk's band's sound was as "light and bubbly as champagne." From then on, Welk's distinctive sound was known the world over as "Champagne music." Welk never forgot Pittsburgh, apparently even in death. Although Welk died almost fifteen years ago, he is making a comeback of sorts at the William Penn, according to members of the housekeeping staff and a bartender who claim they have seen Welk skulking about the hotel in recent weeks.
"I saw him a one and a two times," said jittery hotel maid Velveeta Lugosi-Welk (no relation to the ghost), "and it was not wunnerful, wunnerful." She described Welk as wearing a blue pastel polyester suite, with wide lapels and a "loud" shirt-tie combination.
Bartender Bradleys Welk (no relation to the ghost) told the Carbolic Smoke Ball: "[Welk] just floated into the tap room and told me turn off that rap music. I turned it off even though it wasn't rap music, it was Simon and Garfunkel." The bartender said he was more annoyed than frightened by Welk's apparition. "But, it did creep me out when those bubbles started dropping from the ceiling his band started to play Winchester Cathedral," he said. "I thought it was a terrorist attack or something."
MISS PENNSYLVANIA EUTHANIZED AFTER BREAKING LEG DURING POST-MISS AMERICA APPEARANCE AT BEAVER VALLEY MALL
BEAVER BEAUTY MEETS UNTIMELY DEATH DOING WHAT SHE LOVEDBEAVER - Emily Wills, the 24-year-old Pennsylvania University graduate and Beaver native, who recently skyrocketed to local fame after winning the swimsuit competition at this year’s 2007 Miss America Pageant at the Aladdin/Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas, was euthanized after doctors determined that a shattered right hind leg was inoperable.
Ms. Wills injured her leg while speaking to a group of young Miss America hopefuls at the Beaver Valley Mall Sunday in a promotion dubbed, “Super Girl Sunday," billed as an alternative for females who desired to do something other than watch the Colts trample the Bears. Wills' “Dream Big, Eat Small” speech was met with wild enthusiasm from the audience of mostly tweens and their mothers, who listened with great interest to the mesmerizing, mid-morning lecture before embarking on a day of marathon shopping.
The devastating moment occurred when the swimsuit competition winner sidestepped in her Manolo Blahnik’s to exit the makeshift stage, and her right hind leg torqued out at a gruesome angle.
A father in attendance, who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation and being branded a homosexual by his male neighbors, said he hadn’t seen anything like it since Pirates second basemen Jose Castillo was carried off the field in August 2005 with a torn ligament after St. Louis infielder Hector Luna’s hard slide wiped him out during a double play.
“It’s a shame. Never before in the history of the Miss America pageant has any contestant ever met such a tragic death. If only she had worn the Jimmy Choos,” said a pageant official. “UPMC Beaver Valley officials made every heroic effort to save her, but when they were unable to remove stiletto shrapnel from her hind quarter, they resigned themselves to euthanasia, believing it to be the only humane thing to do.” A young male fan of the Miss America pageant, who also asked not to be identified, said that Wills' death, unlike the contest itself, was not in vain. “It is a testament to those equine-like thighs, taut buttocks and perky breasts that we care so much,” said the mournful young man.
Funeral services will be private.
DEE THOMPSON FREEZES NUTS OFF
PITTSBURGH - WPXI Reporter Dee Thompson froze his nuts off earlier today while reporting weather conditions on the Parkway East for this morning’s segment of Channel 11 News. Doctors at Mercy Hospital were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach the damaged organs.
JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, PICKS SUPER BOWL WINNER AND EXACT SCORE
At noon on Sunday, more than six hours before kickoff of the Super Bowl, our new sports analyst, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder, predicted the correct outcome and exact score of the big game. Congratulations, Greek!
STATE DEPARTMENT RELEASES LIST OF MOST DANGEROUS TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS
Following reports that blinking electronic devices planted around Boston turned out to be a publicity stunt for a television show, the State Department published a list of the terrorist organizations that pose the greatest threat to the United States. Topping the list are al-Qa’ida; Hezbollah; and the Cartoon Network.
AIRBAGS FILLED WITH DORITOS™ DEBUT
MIAMI - In a television advertisement that debuted during the Super Bowl last night, Frito-Lay announced that it is partnering with Toyota Motors to stock every new car made by the Japanese auto behemoth with air bags filled with Doritos™ snack foods."We have determined that the combination of Doritos' ingredients, namely ground corn, corn oil, and seasoning, provides the perfect resistance upon impact to significantly reduce the risk of serious passenger injury," said Frito-Lay's chairman Bradleys Roadhouse in a half-time press conference. "Isn't it amazing? We've had this wonderful lifesaving material available to us all this time, and we've been eating it."
The new concept was tried in Toyota Priuses manufactured the first three months of 2006, and it worked well. "We had just one fatality, and it was only because the car was blindsided by a tractor trailer," said Roadhouse. "The police told us that when they pried that car open with the 'jaws of life,' they were greeted by the wonderful trademarked aroma of our Spicy Nacho flavor," he said. "That's certainly a welcome scent in the midst of carnage, don't you think?"
Roadhouse explained that airbags for some luxury models will give the consumer gourmet-flavored options, such as Salsa and Ranchero.
POST-GAZETTE BECOMES FIRST MAJOR U.S. DAILY TO PROVIDE ONE-HUNDRED YEAR WEATHER FORECASTS
"THIS IS JUST ANOTHER FEATURE THAT SEPARATES US FROM THE INTERNET," SAID POST-GAZETTE'S BRIAN O'NEILL
“From Harrisburg, With Love”
PORT AUTHORITY CEO TO STAR IN NEW FILM FRANCHISE, URBANE CHARMER WILL HAVE LICENSE TO KILL SIXTY PER CENT OF BUS ROUTES
"The name is Bland. Steve Bland."
PUNXSUTAWNEY LOOKS TO AVOID REPEAT OF THIS YEAR'S DISASTROUS GROUNDHOG DAY
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The Inner Circle of the Groundhog Club met over the weekend and voted not to invite Vice President Cheney to return to future Groundhog Day ceremonies following Friday's disastrous events. This year's Groundhog Day festivities were marred when Cheney, honorary master of ceremonies, inexplicably shot Punxsutawney Phil in the face as he emerged from his den. The Vice President then fled into nearby woods, and the wounded groundhog was transported to a local animal hospital where he was treated for minor injuries. In an attempt to salvage the event, organizers quickly recruited legendary Pittsburgh weatherman Joe DeNardo to serve as the groundhog's stand-in. However, as DeNardo emerged from the groundhog's den, a shot was fired from the woods, creating pandemonium in the already shaken crowd. Secret Service agents ran toward the area where the shot emanated and were able to wrestle a shotgun from the Vice President as he was drawing a bead to take another shot at the terrified DeNardo.
Asked if he had seen his shadow, an obviously shaken DeNardo replied, "That dark blotch on the ground wasn't a shadow. That was my urine."
KANSAS CITY'S SPRINT ARENA TO MOVE TO PITTSBURGH
KANSAS CITY - Tired of waiting for either an NHL or NBA franchise, Sprint Arena announced today that it is leaving Kansas City for a new home in Pittsburgh. A spokesperson read a statement on behalf of the Sprint Arena: “I certainly appreciate the efforts of local leaders to keep me in Kansas City, but it has become obvious that no self-respecting NHL or NBA franchise has any intention of ever moving here. Kansas City is a one-horse town, and always will be.” Hopes had been high in recent weeks for Kansas City to lure the NHL’s Pittsburgh Penguins, which would make Sprint Arena their new home. After the Sprint Arena hinted at moving, Mayor Kay Barnes offered it numerous incentives to remain in Kansas City, including regular paint jobs and periodic HVAC upgrades. In the end, it was not enough. A stunned Mayor Barnes first learned of the Arena’s decision to move just minutes before the press conference. "We were convinced that the Arena would not leave because of the many exciting events it hosted," she said. Mayor Barnes cited the recent Smuckers Stars on Ice spectacular, and next month’s World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions tour as evidence of the city’s efforts to make good use of the new arena.
JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, PREDICTS COLTS OVER BEARS, 29-17
Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder has been dead since 1996 but he can still pick winners. We provide him a forum on this Web site as an accommodation to our friends in the illegal gambling community. Just six hours from kickoff in the biggest game of the year, the Greek says this: "I predict a very sloppy game, due largely to anticipated weather conditions, with multiple fumbles and neither team playing their best. In the end, Manning and the Colts are too good to stop, and I predict the outcome will be Colts 29, Bears 17."
PUNXSUTAWNEY GROUNDHOG CLUB'S "INNER CIRCLE" CHARGED WITH KIDNAPPING
NATALEE HOLLOWAY DISCOVERED WITH "PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL" IN BURROW UNDER TREE STUMP AT GOBBLER'S KNOB
GUEST EDITORIAL: PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL TOO FAT, JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF OUR RAMPANT CULTURAL OBESITY
BY JACK LALANNE, THE GODFATHER OF FITNESS: Punxsutawney Phil has been packing on the pounds lately, and it’s hard not to notice. Like millions of Americans, his weight has spiraled out of control.It’s evident that those who celebrate Phil’s annual emergence from his no-doubt expanding hole in the ground are the very ones guilty of forcing him into their own pot-bellied molds they‘ve made for themselves.
Every February 2, thousands of revelers gather to eat and drink in excess -- not coincidentally, at a venue where the name even encourages over-consumption, Gobbler’s Knob.
Let’s face it: the rest of the year, nobody gives a doggone about Phil -- or his cholesterol, for that matter. We parade him around as some mystical prognosticator for a few fleeting moments, objectifying his fat, furry ass, but then we leave him to his own devices for the remainder of the year, during which time he does nothing but sleep in his burrow for months on end, unmotivated and no doubt depressed after a brief summer of gluttonous eating.
And what do you think happens to all of that food? It’s turned into fat, that's what. Believe me, I know -- after all, I'm 92-year old Jack Lalanne, the godfather of fitness. Is this the kind of example we want to set for our kids or, for that matter, other groundhogs?
Phil's sedentary lifestyle cannot continue or he'll surely meet a premature death. And diet pills are only a temporary salve, not a solution.
Phil needs to start walking, and it’s about time those pudgy men in funny hats take responsibility for what they’ve done. Phil is not “big-boned.” Just because he’s called a groundhog doesn’t mean he has to look like one, dammit.
It’s time we consider renaming the hallowed grounds of Gobbler's Knob to Nibbler’s Knoll, and eating rice cakes. And maybe get Phil one of those wheels that hamsters use for exercise before the gluttonous pig kills himself.
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