LIBBY TO CALL CHENEY AIDE TO TESTIFY

WASHINGTON - In a dramatic change of strategy in the perjury trial of Lewis I. 'Scooter' Libby, the defense plans to call Vice President Dick Cheney's Magic 8-Ball to testify as to when it first authorized the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to be leaked to members of the press. The administration is expected to oppose any attempt to call the 8-Ball to testify, but legal scholars say that the White House faces an uphill battle given the 8-Ball's pivotal role in Cheney's decision-making process. "Everyone knows that Cheney uses the Magic 8-Ball for virtually every important decision," said a Vice Presidential staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Cheney even had it flown to Texas after he accidentally shot that lawyer last year. We call it 'The Decider.'"

When asked about the possibility of being subpoenaed, Cheney's Magic 8-Ball answered, "Try Again Later." When the question was repeated, it said, "Go F*ck Yourself."

ELDERLY POET RUN OVER BY SALT TRUCK WHILE STOPPING BY THE WOODS ON A SNOWY EVENING, OVERWORKED ROAD CREW LAMENTS THEY’VE MILES TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEEP

LEMIEUX FOLLOWS MYRON COPE'S ADVICE TO EMULATE THE CHIEF

MARIO HAS RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE STEELERS FOUNDER ART ROONEY, SR., TAKES UP CIGAR SMOKING, BETTING ON HORSES, VISITING FUNERAL HOMES EACH NIGHT

WTAE’S MIKE CLARK SUCCUMBS TO HYPERVENTILATION WHILE WATCHING VIDEO OF CARS CRAWLING ALONG PARKWAY EAST

HEALTH EDITOR MARILYN BROOKS SAYS PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO WINTER STORM HYPE “PROBABLE CAUSE”

HUSBANDS, WIVES, STUCK INDOORS TOGETHER FOR EXTENDED PERIODS REPORTING GREATER AWARENESS OF LOATHING FOR ONE ANOTHER

BUSH DENIES AL-QAIDA NO. 2's CLAIM THAT HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC

DEMS SAY AL-QAIDA CHARGE IS "LUDICROUS" BUT NOTE THAT DENIAL IS CLASSIC SYMPTOM OF ALCOHOLISM

MAYOR ASKS PEOPLE TO STAY HOME TONIGHT, WATCH SPONGEBOB

PIRATES SAY THEY WILL TRY TO GET THIS AFTERNOON'S GAME IN

OUTFIELD MAY BE "A LITTLE SLICK," SAID DAVE LITTLEFIELD, "BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD TO POSTPONE UNLESS WE REALLY HAVE TO."

TOILET PAPER RIOTS CLAIM DOZENS

Shortage sparks violence at local grocery stores, Governor promises National Guard response "as soon as I finish this sandwich," Milk and Bread to be air-dropped as conditions improve

DOWNTOWN BECOMES WINTER WONDERLAND, A PICTURE PRINT BY CURRIER AND IVES

Noon today: Corner of Smithfield and Liberty looking toward adult book store, ambulance waiting to transport shoveling heart attack victim to hospital

KDKA ACCIDENTALLY AIRS FILM OF SOVIET TANKS ROLLING INTO BUDAPEST IN PLACE OF STANDARD SALT TRUCK FOOTAGE, REGION IN STATE OF PANIC

PUBLIC WORKS EMPLOYEES ACCIDENTALLY SALT SIDESTREETS AND ALLEYS FIRST

MAIN ROADS CALLED “TREACHEROUS ROUTE LEADING TO CERTAIN FIERY DEATH,” PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR BLAMES “PRACTICAL JOKE GONE TOO FAR” FOR MIX-UP

SHUT-INS REMINDED TO USE MEAT THERMOMETER WHEN EATING PET DURING WINTER STORM

MARY CONTURO OF SPORTS & EXHIBITION AUTHORITY REPLACED BY MAYORAL SPOKESPERSON DICK SKRINJAR

"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE CONVENTION CENTER," SAID SKRINJAR. "IN FACT, WE'RE GOING TO HOLD THE AUTO SHOW THIS WEEKEND, AND ANNA NICOLE SMITH, WHO IS ALSO FINE, WILL MAKE AN APPEARANCE. SHE'LL BE RIDING BARBARO, AND THEY'LL BE PULLING MAYOR O'CONNOR ON A SLED."

CONCERNED CITIZEN SLAPS SANDWICH FROM GOVERNOR’S HANDS

Man defends actions: “If he keels over, we’re stuck with Catherine Baker Knoll for four years. I’m no hero. I just did what any Pennsylvanian would have done in the same situation.”

HARRISBURG – Harrisburg resident Paul Chwastyk slapped a grilled steak with cheese and mayo sandwich from Governor Ed Rendell’s hands today, saving him from consuming 30 grams of fat. The Governor had just received the sandwich from workers at Da Pits Chicago Grill, which is located across the street from the Governor’s mansion, when the incident occurred.

Rendell had been warned by his doctors that he needed to lose weight and lower his cholesterol. At first, he seemed to heed their advice, as he was seen jogging through Harrisburg and had made healthful food choices at the Farm Show’s food court in early January. But his New Year’s resolution was history by the time he came into Da Pits yesterday.

Mr. Chwastyk was eating a salad in the restaurant when the Governor arrived. “I might have let him eat the sandwich if he had walked the 100 yards from the Governor’s mansion, but he had his state troopers drive him over, “ Chwastyk said. “If he’s going to be sedentary and eat high-fat foods, he’s gonna have a heart attack. I’m not that crazy about any of his policies, but better the devil you know, right?” Chwastyk paused, then said quietly, “I’m no hero. I just did what any Pennsylvanian would have done in the same situation.”

Chwastyk was wrestled to the ground by the Governor’s security detail and he has been charged with simple assault. Although he could receive three months in jail, Chwastyk is likely to be given community service and ordered to make restitution of $8.50 to the Governor.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt, husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, seeks custody of Anna Nicole Smith baby

POLL: 72% OF AMERICANS BELIEVED IT WAS "JUST A MATTER OF TIME" BEFORE ONE OF THE GABOR SISTERS BECAME INVOLVED IN ANNA NICOLE SMITH MATTER

ORBITAL DEBRIS ABOVE EARTH MAJOR CONCERN TO NASA

SPACE AGENCY TO SEND IRON EYES CODY, THE "CRYING INDIAN," INTO SPACE TO KICK OFF "KEEP SPACE BEAUTIFUL" CAMPAIGN

SCOOTER LIBBY: MYSTERIOUS COLUMN OF BLACK SMOKE TOLD HIM CIA AGENT'S IDENTITY

POLICE REUNITED AT GRAMMYS: JOHN VOJTAS, MILTON MULHOLLAND, MICHAEL ALBERT TO BEGIN NEW PATROL OF ROUTE 51

Reprise classic: “Every Breath You Take, Jonny Gammage, is One Too Many.”

TROUBLE AT KD: STOCK FOOTAGE OF PANICKED PRE-SNOWSTORM SHOPPERS AND PENNDOT SALT SUPPLIES IS DESTROYED, STATION FORCED TO REPORT NEWS

IN OPEN LETTER, MYRON COPE URGES PIRATES TO LEAVE TOWN

"Mario can stay, but the Nuttings should send the Bucs to the first one-horse town that offers to take them," retired broadcaster says. Also calls for departure of city council.

FORMER UGANDAN DICTATOR IDI AMIN PERFORMED HIS HIT SONG "CRAZY" AT GRAMMYS

TEEN BOYS MOLESTED BY FEMALE TEACHERS ASK NEWS MEDIA FOR EXCEPTION TO RULE OF NOT REVEALING SEX OFFENSE VICTIMS' NAMES

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL STAFF WRITERS SERVE AS JUDGES AT AUDITION FOR OPENING ACT OF GENE COLLIER SHOW

Representatives of the Carbolic Smoke Ball were judges on Friday night at Cefalo's for auditions of fifteen aspiring comedians to serve as opening act at the upcoming Gene Collier show on February 24. It was a difficult decision because the talent level was high throughout and at least four or five contestants could have justifiably won. But in the end the Smoke Ball judges gave the edge to two contestants -- a tie between T. Jones and Andrew Limberg. A big, appreciative crowd had a great time, and the two winners not only were hilarious, they are nice guys, too. "An Evening with Gene Collier" (Feb. 24th - 9pm ~ $10 advance/$12 at the door) will be hosted by WDVE's Mike Wysocki and feature these two young comedians, along with a segment by the incomparable John McIntire. Gene will share stories of his career along with his killer brand of comedy, followed by a special audience Q & A session.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH FUNERAL TO BE HELD AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY

MILLIONS OF DISTRAUGHT FANS LEAVING FLOWERS, G-STRINGS AND PASTIES AT GATES OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE

LOCAL NEWS GEARING UP FOR WINTER STORM COVERAGE

• WTAE PROMISES EXCLUSIVE SALLY WIGGIN INTERVIEW WITH TEEN WHO SHOVELS MIKE TOMLIN’S DRIVEWAY
• KDKA TO AIR IN DEPTH REPORT ON HOW SNOW-BLOWERS CAN KILL YOU
• WPXI’S ANDY GASTMEYER WONDERS: THE DONNER PARTY: COULD IT HAPPEN HERE?

BIMBO CONCLAVE CONVENES TO CHOOSE SUCCESSOR FOR ANNA NICOLE SMITH

PARIS HILTON ASKS HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE HER SELECTION THROUGH PRAYER, TEXT MESSAGING

NEW REHAB REHAB OPENED TO ACCOMODATE STARS, POLITICIANS ADDICTED TO MENTAL HEALTH FACILITIES

WINTER STORM WARNINGS POSTED FOR AREA, SHUT-INS ADVISED TO KILL FAMILY PETS FOR FOOD, WARMTH

GRAMMY LIFE ACHIEVEMENT AWARD GIVEN TO STATIC ON AM RADIO

RUSH LIMBAUGH ACCEPTS ON BEHALF OF STATIC

WECHT: ANNA NICOLE SMITH POSED NO THREAT TO THE KREMLIN, PUTIN; FAMED CORONER RULES OUT POLONIUM 210 AS CAUSE OF DEATH

PITTSBURGH FAILS TO MAKE FAT LIST

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl today expressed annoyance with the Men's Fitness Magazine rankings of the Fittest and Fattest US cities in the March issue. "I don't need any damn magazine to tell me that when it comes to the fattest cities," Ravenstahl said, "we can compete with anyone." The Mayor held up a Primanti Brothers' sandwich: "People here french fries in their sandwiches, for cryin' out loud." The mayor added: "The six words you never hear in Pittsburgh are, 'Do I look fat in this?' That's because everybody knows the answer."

Ravenstahl is confident that the city will hold on to its current titles: Highest Cholesterol in North America, Largest Average Waistline, and Most Plus-Size Dress Stores. Ravenstahl is guardedly optimistic that Youngstown will re-take the "Fullest Moustache - Ladies" award back from Pittsburgh this year.

GOVERNOR ED RENDELL: “READ MY LIPS. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO WIPE OFF THE MAYONNAISE FIRST”

GOVERNOR DEFENDS PROPOSED 1% SALES TAX INCREASE, BUT SAYS, “I WILL SEE THAT MOST FOOD ITEMS WILL NOT BE AFFECTED." POLITICAL WATCHDOGS SAY NEW TAX WILL BE HARD TO SWALLOW, BUT RENDELL COUNTERS, "I CAN HELP WITH THAT, TOO."

WPXI MISTAKENLY SENDS REPORTER JODINE COSTANZO TO CONVENTION CENTER FOR SEASON’S FIRST “POTHOLE PATROL” SEGMENT

PETITE COSTANZO, EQUIPPED WITH NOTHING MORE THAN A 12-INCH WOODEN RULER, FALLS IN 20 BY 60-FOOT CRATER, LOCAL PARAMEDICS ATTEMPT TO SAVE HER WITH “JAWS OF LIFE,” BUT FORCED TO USE CRANE SINCE BILL COWHER NO LONGER AVAILABLE

CARTOON NETWORK CHIEF RESIGNS OVER BOSTON BOMB SCARE

VOLATILE COSMO G. SPACELY CASHES OUT ON GOLDEN PARACHUTE; "LEAVES LEGACY AS TOUGH WHEELER DEALER WHO BERATED EMPLOYEES," SAID COMPETITOR W.C. COGSWELL

DELAY IN REMOVING ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S BODY BLAMED ON SHORTAGE OF SIZE "DD" BODY BAGS

ELTON JOHN TO PERFORM REMAKE OF REMAKE OF "CANDLE IN THE WIND" AS TRIBUTE TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY FUNERAL

HOWARD K. STERN SAYS RETREAD TRIBUTE DISHONORS SMITH'S MEMORY: "HE HAD NINE YEARS SINCE DIANA, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE COULDN'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL?"

CYRIL WECHT OFFERS DISCOUNT FAMILY PLAN ON AUTOPSIES FOR THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH FAMILY

ANNA NICOLE SMITH MEMORIAL UNVEILED

BUXOM BLOND SEX SYMBOL WITH HISTORY OF PSYCHIATRIC, SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEMS DIES UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES

KENNEDY FAMILY DENIES RESPONSIBILITY

BODY OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH TO LIE IN STATE AT PLAYBOY MANSION, HEF SEEN WANDERING THE GROUNDS IN MOURNING PAJAMAS

ULTIMATE TRIBUTE TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH: MALE STARS OF PORN INDUSTRY GO HALF-MAST IN HONOR OF BUXOM BOMBSHELL

WALTER CRONKITE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR ROUND THE CLOCK COVERAGE OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S FUNERAL

LEGENDARY ANCHORMAN SAYS “THIS STORY IS TOO BIG FOR COURIC, AND THAT’S THE WAY IT IS”

GRIEVING JOE HARDY LEFT TO WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

“GIVE ME ANOTHER FIFTEEN YEARS AND A SERIES OF DEBILITATING STROKES, AND I COULD HAVE BEEN MR. ANNA NICOLE SMITH”

ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEAD, QUEEN ELIZABETH OVERCOME WITH GRIEF, HER ROYAL HIGHNESS TO ATTEND FUNERAL, JOIN FANS IN CANDLELIGHT VIGIL

WECHT TO PERFORM AUTOPSY ON ANNA NICOLE SMITH

FAMED FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST SAYS SECOND GUNMAN ON GRASSY KNOLL LIKELY INVOLVED

SMITH LOOK-ALIKE NATALIE MAINES OF DIXIE CHICKS KILLS ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOR STEALING HER POT PIE

ANNA NICOLE SMITH DIES

QUEEN OF TABLOID ANTICS KEEPS TOPPING HERSELF: WHAT WILL SHE TRY NEXT?

CAPTAIN KIRK REVEALS HE CARRIED OUT ENTIRE FIVE YEAR MISSION ABOARD STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IN DIAPERS

"I BOLDLY WENT WHERE NO MAN HAD GONE BEFORE."