Former Braves closer admits to using HGH, launches "Speak English" clothing line, calls Ann Coulter a "role model"
BREAKING NEWS: JOHN ROCKER A DUMBASS
Former Braves closer admits to using HGH, launches "Speak English" clothing line, calls Ann Coulter a "role model"
REPORT ON PRESIDENT'S SOUTH AMERICAN TRIP
President Bush has immersed himself in Latin American culture as he embarks on his tour of the region. Bush brought Martin Short and Steve Martin to give him "street cred."
GULF TOWER BEACONS CHANGED TO ALERT PUBLIC TO BRITNEY SPEARS'S CHEMICAL DEPENDENCIES
Pittsburgh’s landmark Gulf Tower is abandoning a 70-year-old tradition of using its colored beacon atop the skyscraper to announce weather forecasts and instead, says it is seeking a more contemporary message for today’s news-hungry citizen.“When the Gulf Building began this tradition so many decades ago, weather forecasting was not as advanced and communications weren’t as ubiquitous,” explained building spokesman Jeannette Silvestri. “We wanted to do something more in keeping with the times.”
The tower lantern’s lights will now alert passersby to the status of Britney Spears.“Traditionally, a blue light indicated rain was imminent. From now on when the light is blue, it will signal that Britney is not in rehab,” Ms. Silvestri said.
A red shade on the light will signal that Ms. Spears is in rehab, and a blinking red will signal that Ms. Spears has bolted from a drug or alcohol rehabilitation center.
A clear white light will signal that Ms. Spears has received a new tattoo, while a blinking white light will represent that she has shaved her head again.
The tower will retain its long standing tradition of using a blinking blue light to alert the public when Ms. Spears goes out without underpants.
“Naturally, the light won’t be blinking white that often because of how long it takes for her hair to grow back in,” Ms. Silvestri said. “In a way, that’s good, because pilots sometimes mistake it for Morse code.”
And when it comes to Morse code, the Gulf Tower’s “competition” in the Downtown lighting contest, the Grant Building, will abandon its tradition of blinking out code for “Pittsburgh.” A spokesman for the building’s management says pilots no longer require that message.
Instead, if things turn out right, the building will be the first to announce in Morse code the name of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
“Naturally, we’re going to have to get that from the wire services, first,” noted building manager Manolo Freeload. “But we were curious to see if it causes jetliners coming in and out of the city to circle for a little while. Just curious.”
TOWNSEND CLEARED OF ASSAULT CHARGES
PITTSBURGH - Steelers cornerback Deshea Townsend has been cleared of assault charges stemming from a weekend incident in which it was reported that he punched another man in the face. An investigation of the incident resulted in a finding that while Townsend attempted to punch the victim, Chris Graham, Townsend missed on several attempts to make any contact. Townsend’s lawyer, Bobby Del Greco, said that he is pleased that the charges were dropped. “Anyone who knows DeShea knows that he’s not the type of guy to hit someone.”
AMERICAN GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY MEETING DISPLACED FROM DAMAGED CONVENTION CENTER, MEETS AT PA. CULINARY INSTITUTE
ALL AGREE EARTH'S CRUST IS TOO DRY AND FLAKY, CALL FOR ADDITION OF BUTTER AND SHORTENING
JOEY PORTER’S DOGS SIGN WITH ABU GHRAIB PRISON
FEROCIOUS, SNARLING PIT BULLS VOW TO KEEP PRESSURE ON AMERICA’S ENEMIES; MCGRUFF, THE CRIME DOG CALLS SIGNING “A BENCHMARK IN THE WAR ON TERROR”
ATLANTA MAYOR MEETS WITH MARIO, DECLARES: "YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS A HONKY TEAM."
Amid search for new city for Pens, Lemieux fires his translator
HEALTH DEPARTMENT CITES CHRIS FENNIMORE FOR NOT USING HAIRNET
PITTSBURGH -- Allegheny County Health Department spokesperson Guillermo Cole has issued a citation to WQED Cooks’ Chris Fennimore for not wearing proper protective gear over his hirsute knuckles.Under Pennsylvania health code 46.152, food handlers, including those who prepare food for consumption on television shows, must take proper prophylactic measures to prevent hair from coming into contact with exposed food.
“Consumers are under the misperception -- and we can thank school lunch ladies for this -- that the use of nets is just for hair the head, but the directive applies to any body part where hair is long enough to be a safety hazard, whether it be the knuckles, the back, or the nose,” according to Cole.
“As a matter of fact, the ‘beard restraint’ is another hairy issue we’re cracking down on, but there are so many styles of facial growth nowadays that we’re having trouble enforcing the code, because people are getting off on technicalities. How can you penalize a man with a soul patch when a post-menopausal mustache may actually pose more of a health concern?”
Fennimore defended his practices, saying that he grooms his hands with a boar bristle brush and removes any loose hairs before the taping of each show, and during commercial breaks.
He questions the timing of the citation, claiming the department is once again trying to thwart bad publicity for its annual flu shot fiasco. “They’re just splitting hairs here,” said Fennimore. “Wouldn’t their limited resources be better spent shutting down Chinese Buffets?”
Nancy Polinsky, Fennimore’s cohost on the PBS show noted for its local recipes and many guest appearances from hometown cooks, had only this to say: “Mmm …. “
Fennimore has ten days to either shave his knuckles or wear what those in the industry refer to as “the knuckle net.”
BISHOP SCHEDULED TO VISIT PITTSBURGH SIGNS WITH DALLAS INSTEAD
Diocese may wait for April draft to fill hole in roster
COMMENTARY: PUBLIC OFFICIALS URGED TO RETURN TO TAKING SELVES TOO SERIOUSLY
COMMENTARY – A casual remark by a public official could lead to a disturbing trend if allowed to continue. Green Tree Police Chief Robert Cifrulak, in discussing a series of rock-throwing incidents along the Parkway West, joked that “They should sign him up for the Pirates” because of the accuracy of the vandal’s throws.While we admit his remark is funny, that type of comment is our stock in trade. If public officials start making wisecracks or, worse, start making fun of themselves, this news source will dry up. Several columnists at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette will also suffer if they have nobody to mock.
Public officials should not be sitting around trying to think of funny things to say; that is best left to the professionals at Carbolic Smoke Ball. We urge Chief Cifrulak and all other office holders to go back to taking themselves too seriously. We don’t try to do your jobs, so don’t try to do ours.
THE LATE ANN COULTER MAKES MISTAKE OF CALLING JOEY PORTER A "FAGGOT"
FAR-RIGHT POLITICAL COMMENTATOR PICKED WRONG HOMOPHOBE TO TAUNT, WITNESSES SAY PORTER "WIPED THE SMILE OFF HER FACE"
JURY CONVICTS SCOOTER LIBBY
FORMER CHENEY AIDE GUILTY ON THREE COUNTS OF PERJURY, TWO COUNTS OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE, ONE COUNT POSSESSION OF INAPPROPRIATE NICKNAME FOR AN ADULT
LIBBY JURY REVEALS WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG TO DECIDE PERJURY CASE
“We couldn’t remember what we talked about on day one of deliberations, let alone figure out what was said in 2003,” foreman says
WASHINGTON, DC – After unusually long deliberations, a federal jury today convicted I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby on four of five felony counts. Jury foreman Jeff Pursley spoke to reporters outside the courthouse after the panel’s work was completed.
WASHINGTON, DC – After unusually long deliberations, a federal jury today convicted I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby on four of five felony counts. Jury foreman Jeff Pursley spoke to reporters outside the courthouse after the panel’s work was completed.
“After a few days, we got bogged down trying to remember what we said in deliberations, and then it got personal. Juror number four wanted to know what juror number six said about her to juror number eleven, and she refused to discuss anything until it got sorted out. That’s why we requested the Post-It Notes and a dictionary from the judge.” Judge Reggie Walton refused to provide a dictionary, but did allow the sticky notepads. “We started working our way backwards and moved Post-It notes around trying to get everyone to agree on what was said to whom,” the foreman said. “But it was tough, since some people were in the bathroom at different times or they heard slightly different stories about the same event. It was a real mess.”
Unable to reach an agreement on their own conversations, the jury barely considered the charges against Mr. Libby. “How are we supposed to decide what was said to whom way back in 2003? We weren’t there, and the people who were there couldn’t agree on what was said, either,” Pursley said.
With tensions in the jury room running high and all jurors never wanting to see each other again, “We picked a number out of a hat and decided that would be the number of charges we’d convict [Libby] on. It’s not very fair to him, but at least we were able to wrap things up before Easter.”
CHENEY BESTOWS PRESIDENTIAL PARDON ON LIBBY
WASHINGTON Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff for Vice President Dick Cheney, was found guilty today on 4 counts of perjury and obstruction of justice. Cheney immediately issued a presidential pardon to Libby, voiding his conviction and clearing him of all charges. The pardon was rescinded however after the judge reminded Cheney that he was not the president. Cheney's initial reaction was to ask the judge, "What difference does that make?" After a brief conference with counsel, Cheney told the judge, "I take it back."
PENGUINS ADD GOON TO PROTECT MARIO DURING STRETCH RUN OF NEGOTIATING DRIVE
GENERAL MANAGER SAYS MENACING PRESENCE, THREAT OF VIOLENCE COULD EXPEDITE AGREEMENT
DEFENSE SECRETARY CALLS DOCTOR HOWARD, DOCTOR FINE, DOCTOR HOWARD TO INVESTIGATE CONDITIONS AT WALTER REED ARMY MEDICAL CENTER
SAYS THREE PHYSICIANS ARE “THE RIGHT MEN FOR THE JOB”
ARTHUR SCHLESINGER JR. TO BE BURIED NEXT TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH
FAMILY SAYS FORMER KENNEDY AIDE “WANTS TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH THE WOMAN HE WAS DATING AT THE TIME OF HIS DEATH”
PIRATES’ SWITCH TO FM MAKES LANNY FRATTARE’S VELVETY MODULATION SOUND LIKE A VIOLIN -- LITERALLY
"It's not human, it sounds like some damned string instrument," cried Clear Channel executive. Listeners confuse Pirates' broadcasts with classical radio, so 104.7 says it will install a sound filter to make Lanny sound like Stephen Hawking.
ANN COULTER CALLS LIBERACE A "FAGGOT"
WASHINGTON - Best-selling right-wing author Ann Coulter shocked an audience at the American Conservative Union's Political Action Conference and left some members in tears last night when she called flamboyant musician Liberace, D-Nev., a "faggot."
"Oh, no!" cried an elderly member of the audience. "You're breaking our hearts. Say it's not true, say it's not true!"
Coulter tried to speak over the wailing in the room. When the noise had died down, she assured the crowd, "It's just a joke, it's just a joke."
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Coulter showed "extremely poor taste" in joking about Liberace's sexual orientation.
BOOK EDITOR APOLOGIZES FOR "READER'S BLOCK"
By Bob Hoover, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette - This is a first for me. I decided to review "Nixon and Mao: The Week That Changed the World" this week. It's much-talked about, and it's rapidly climbing the best seller lists. I assumed I would be able to glean from it one of those de rigueur historical lessons that "the present administration would be wise to mind." That's always good in a review of this nature because it lends significance to a musty event few people care about. Truth be told, if you dig deep enough in any popular history, you're always able to manufacture one of those lessons. The trouble is, I couldn't finish the damn book. Finish? Hell, I couldn't start it. I've been trying to read it all week, but I can't get beyond the first page. I must emphasize that this had nothing to do with the book, it's me. The words just never sank in. I must have read that first sentence alone more than 500 times but I can't tell you a single word in it. You've heard of "writer's block," well, I'm experiencing "reader's block." This, I would point out, is a serious problem for someone who earns a living reviewing books.
I am amazed I'm being so frank with you, my faithful readers. I confess that the inability to read this book has left me more than a little shaken. The fact is, I'm going through something terrible.
Today, I received an advance copy of Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" to review for next week. As I sit at my desk removing it from its box, a cold perspiration bespangles my brow, and I fear almost beyond description that I'll not be able to read it.
I apologize for any typographical errors or lapses in logic in this review, but I am unable to proofread it.
JUDGE JOY FLOWERS CONTI CLARIFIES MY SITUATION FOR ME: I MUST BE SERVING A SENTENCE OF HOME CONFINEMENT
GUEST COMMENTARY BY PITTSBURGH PLUMBER NOAH SWAYNE - Last month, U.S. District Judge Joy Flowers Conti sentenced former Allegheny County Sheriff Pete DeFazio to serve six months' home confinement following his guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge of macing. While on home detention, Mr. DeFazio is permitted to leave the house for Mass, work and some other purposes.Judge Flowers Conti has actually clarified my own situation for me. I do exactly what Mr. DeFazio is now permitted to do. I go to work, I go to church, and that's pretty much it. So it occurred to me . . . I must be serving a sentence of home confinement!
Now, you can imagine how surprising this revelation was to me, given that I haven't been convicted of anything. And, I note, Mr. DeFazio is permitted to retain his hefty county pension (which, I am sure he would tell us, he's "earned"), so he really doesn't even have to work. He can just stay home all day and watch sports on television and sleep while he serves out his "sentence."
If I ever commit a crime, I want Judge Joy Flowers Conti to sentence me. After all, I wouldn't want anything in my life to change.
VIACOM CHAIRMAN REDSTONE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY "THAT NUT CASE" TOM CRUISE WON'T BE HIS FRIEND
HOLLYWOOD - Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone wants to heal his rift with Tom Cruise and said he can't understand why "that nut case, that flake, Tom Cruise" doesn't want to be his friend. Cruise hasn't spoken to Redstone since Redstone told the Wall Street Journal last year that Cruise had been given the boot by Viacom's subsidiary Paramount because of his bizarre personnel behaviour. Redstone was referencing the fact that Cruise couch-hopped on Oprah Winfrey' talk show while proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes, criticized the use of antidepressants, claimed that postpartum depression doesn't exist, and became combative with Matt Lauer on the "Today" show while defending his loony opinions.
"I was very disappointed," Redstone said, "that the weirdo took my comments out of context. I just can't understand it."
THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAYORAL POLL IS CLOSED AND WE HAVE A WINNER . . .
Our scientific Carbolic Smoke Ball mayoral poll is now closed, and it has produced some surprising results. Professor Emcee Square, the ghoulish host of WBGN's "It's Alive," won in a landslide. He garnered 64% of the vote. The poll had a margin of error of .0005 %. Here are the startling results:
SPECIAL ANNA NICOLE EDITION OF "CLUE" GAME MAKES DEBUT, OBJECT IS TO FIND REAL FATHER
"I ACCUSE HOWARD K. STERN, IN THE BILLIARD ROOM, WITH HIS MANHOOD"
CHENEY SAYS IT'S "SHAMEFUL" THAT OBAMA'S ANCESTORS OWNED SLAVES, CALLS ON OBAMA TO MAKE REPARATIONS TO HIMSELF
WASHINGTON - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, who is black, has white ancestors who owned slaves, according to a genealogical researcher. Obama had no comment on the report but Vice President Cheney said the news is "disgraceful," and added that Obama should apologize to Rev. Jesse Jackson and make reparations to himself."I think if [Obama] made a hefty reparation to himself, that would send the right message on behalf of negroid peoples," Cheney said with a crooked smirk. "Perhaps a million dollars would do it." Pressed to explain his rationale, Cheney became belligerent. "[Obama's] racist white ancestors profited from the shameful slave trade, and their ill-gotten wealth was passed down through the generations, all the way to Obama, that's all I'm saying."
Cheney also suggested that Obama enter rehabilitation, on behalf of his ancestors.
JACK WILSON FUMES: "CASTILLO CAN'T EVEN BREAK FOOT PROPERLY"
BRADENTON, Fla. - Pirates infielder Jose Castillo was injured Saturday in the Pirates' exhibition game against the New York Yankees in Tampa, Fla., when he slid awkwardly into second base in an attempt to thwart a double play. Castillo will have his right foot X-rayed Monday to examine the nature of a tender bone.
The Pirates reluctantly broke the news to Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson, who has been publicly critical of Castillo's work ethic. Wilson immediately went on television with sportscaster Stan Savran to blast Castillo. "Why am I not surprised by this?" Wilson exploded. "He can't even break his foot correctly, Stan. I mean, is it broken or isn't it? See, that's the difference between him and me: if that were me, it would be a clean break, and everybody would know where we stand. This is just typical of Castillo." Wilson does a nightly television show with Savran where he picks a different person to criticize each night. In the past two weeks, Wilson has criticized TV talk show host Larry King, the U.S. Supreme Court, Ryan Seacrest, and Fidel Castro's brother Raul.
SWITZERLAND "ACCIDENTALLY" INVADES LIECHTENSTEIN
Test of Liechtenstein's defenses shows Liechtenstein has no defenses
ZURICH - Switzerland sent an elite commando unit into neighboring Liechtenstein today, abandoning decades of official neutrality. Swiss Army spokesman Daniel Reist at first claimed the incursion was an accident, but faced with skeptical reporters, he admitted Switzerland has designs on its neighbor's territory.
"We sent 170 soldiers over the border. In case they got caught, we worked up a story about them getting 'lost' in the dark. We even left the bullets out of their assault rifles to make it look like they were just training. But we were really testing Liechtenstein's defenses before the big invasion."
Officials in Liechtenstein said no one even noticed the presence of Swiss soldiers. Reist was incredulous. "How could they miss us? We were wearing our Vatican uniforms. You can see us in those get-ups more than a mile away. If we had known it was that easy to invade another country, we would have done it long ago. We might not even take guns with us when we go in next time -- I think a board with a nail in it would work with those people."
At the White House, President Bush declined to involve US forces. "We've got a couple invasions of our own to take care of, " he said. "Whatever the Swedes want to do is OK with me."
US intelligence officials believe the Swiss will invade Liechtenstein within a month. After consolidating power there, the Swiss are expected to take on other neighbors with weak defenses, including Luxemburg and France.
ZURICH - Switzerland sent an elite commando unit into neighboring Liechtenstein today, abandoning decades of official neutrality. Swiss Army spokesman Daniel Reist at first claimed the incursion was an accident, but faced with skeptical reporters, he admitted Switzerland has designs on its neighbor's territory."We sent 170 soldiers over the border. In case they got caught, we worked up a story about them getting 'lost' in the dark. We even left the bullets out of their assault rifles to make it look like they were just training. But we were really testing Liechtenstein's defenses before the big invasion."
Officials in Liechtenstein said no one even noticed the presence of Swiss soldiers. Reist was incredulous. "How could they miss us? We were wearing our Vatican uniforms. You can see us in those get-ups more than a mile away. If we had known it was that easy to invade another country, we would have done it long ago. We might not even take guns with us when we go in next time -- I think a board with a nail in it would work with those people."
At the White House, President Bush declined to involve US forces. "We've got a couple invasions of our own to take care of, " he said. "Whatever the Swedes want to do is OK with me."
US intelligence officials believe the Swiss will invade Liechtenstein within a month. After consolidating power there, the Swiss are expected to take on other neighbors with weak defenses, including Luxemburg and France.
ENTIRE CAST OF ABC’S EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME IMPROVEMENT EDITION MASSACRED BY CHAINSAW-WIELDING MADMAN FROM TEXAS
NETWORK CHIEF SAYS OFFERS OF ASSISTANCE FROM HOMICIDAL MANIAC “SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED,” PROMISES INVESTIGATION
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SCORES EXCLUSIVE, WILL COVER ANNA NICOLE'S BURIAL, AFTERLIFE
NASSAU, Bahamas -- Entertainment Tonight, the celebrated public affairs program, has acquired exclusive rights to cover the funeral of author, lecturer and public health authority Anna Nicole Smith, outbidding The Carbolic Smoke Ball in the intense competition to bring closure to a grief-stricken nation. ET, as it is known in the trade, was given exclusive access to Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau,Bahamas, where today’s funeral services will be held, to the graveside committal at which select mourners will place red and pink roses on the casket, and is the only news outlet with rights to have a correspondent buried with the body for exclusive post-funeral coverage.
“This is, of course, a great honor that Anna Nicole’s family and legal counsel for her family have put the kind of faith in Entertainment Tonight to allow me to accompany Anna Nicole into the afterlife,” said ET correspondent Mark Steines.
The exclusive arrangement – which only ET viewers will get to see – includes Steines inside the casket with a camera crew, and exclusive interviews with Anna Nicole’s soul as it travels into the next world for final judgment.
“Obviously, we know that ET viewers are going to want to know what happens to Anna Nicole when she is judged in the next world,” Mr. Steines said. “She was a very spiritual person and we’re hoping to cover the happy reunion with her son, Daniel, and get her reaction when she finds out from God whether she’s going to Heaven or Hell.”
Teams of other ET correspondents will also be on hand to give saturation coverage to the next round in the long series of legal battles that have followed Anna Nicole’s passing. On Friday morning, her mother,Virgie Arthur, filed suit seeking custody of Anna Nicole’s soul, while her lawyer and boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, asked the Vatican to retroactively declare her a Catholic and have her sent to limbo until higher courts can intervene.
At the same time, the husband of Hollywood fossil Zsa Zsa Gabor said he is both the father of Anna Nicole’s baby and her spiritual advisor and has demanded that, in his unique religious tradition, she be reincarnated as an Afghan Hound. He did not explain his position.
“Clearly, this continuing drama – and Anna Nicole’s afterlife reaction to it – is going to provide gripping coverage that only ET viewers will see because of our extraordinary level of access,” said Steines. “And I plan to be there, bringing it to ET viewers as long as my oxygen pack holds out.”
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