MAYOR’S LOUSY WEEK BEGINS WITH ‘PARTY CRASHING’ SCANDAL – ENDS WITH RECALL OF HIS FAVORITE TOY
RAVENSTAHL 'SETTLES ALL FAMILY BUSINESS' IN MASSIVE PURGE
"BARZINI'S DEAD. SO IS PHILLIP TATTAGLIA, MOE GREENE, GUY COSTA, DAVID ONORATO . . . . TODAY, I SETTLE ALL FAMILY BUSINESS." -- Mayor Luke Ravenstahl
TIGER WOODS OBTAINS RESTRAINING ORDER TO KEEP MAYOR RAVENSTAHL OUT OF DELIVERY ROOM WHEN TIGER'S CHILD IS BORN
MAYOR: “TIGER MAY NOT HAVE MENTIONED IT, BUT I KNOW BY HIS SILENCE HE WANTS ME IN THERE”
SPOILER: SHOCK ENDING FOR LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK REVEALED
On the last page of the book, Harry Potter is sitting with Carmela and AJ in a diner, waiting for Meadow to finish parallel parking outside. Then the door opens, and the story abruptly ends
PITTSBURGH ZOO MONKEY “JOHNNY” UNDERGOES ARTHROSCOPIC SURGERY WITH DR. FREDDIE FU
Zookeepers say that bed-rest and the knowledge that he has better health care than 46 million uninsured Americans should help him recover; next patient asks Dr. Freddie Fu to wash hands twice
TEMPERAMENTAL DANIEL RADCLIFFE ENDS RUN IN 'EQUUS' WHEN NEW CO-STAR MISTER ED AD LIBS INSULTS ABOUT HIS GENITALIA
WISECRACKING PALOMINO SAYS HE "JUST COULDN'T RESIST"
DR. FU FIXES UP MONKEY SO PIRATES CAN SIGN HIM
PITTSBURGH -- One of America's best-known sports doctors was pressed into service by the Pittsburgh Pirates for an unusual patient. Dr. Freddie Fu of UPMC operated on a mandrill monkey from the Pittsburgh Zoo to repair a partially torn ACL so that he can join the starting lineup of the Pittsburgh Pirates in time for Sunday's game. Pirate GM Dave Littlefield explained that Pirates scouts have been following the monkey since last year and are satisfied he can make an immediate contribution to the team. "This is the monkey we've wanted all along," Littlefield said. "And we'll get him soon, with a little help from Dr. Fu."
"He bats left, throws right, you should see him scamper around the bases," gushed Littlefield. "One of our trainers had a radar gun on him and saw this guy throw his feces in the mid-90's. He's getting better with a ball, too, because Jim Tracy has been working with him every day -- they're on the same wavelength." Littlefield refused to say how much the Pirates will pay the animal, but while the interview was progressing a station wagon full of bananas pulled into the hospital parking lot.
The Pirates also reportedly have their eye on a utility orangutan currently at the Detroit Zoo. "He's a powerful little guy," said one trainer. "A little wild. We might have to send him down to Ringling Brothers to work on his mechanics."
"He bats left, throws right, you should see him scamper around the bases," gushed Littlefield. "One of our trainers had a radar gun on him and saw this guy throw his feces in the mid-90's. He's getting better with a ball, too, because Jim Tracy has been working with him every day -- they're on the same wavelength." Littlefield refused to say how much the Pirates will pay the animal, but while the interview was progressing a station wagon full of bananas pulled into the hospital parking lot.
The Pirates also reportedly have their eye on a utility orangutan currently at the Detroit Zoo. "He's a powerful little guy," said one trainer. "A little wild. We might have to send him down to Ringling Brothers to work on his mechanics."
PENGUINS RECEIVE FIRST NAMING RIGHTS OFFER FOR NEW ARENA
Unnamed bidder offers two weeks' pay, plus Tiger Woods' autograph, to call the facility "Luke Ravenstahl Arena, Luke Ravenstahl, Mayor"
MAYOR HAS SOME OF HIS PEOPLE 'SEND DELANO A MESSAGE'
Reporter's home is toilet-papered and egged overnight
PARIS HILTON REVEALS TERROR OF GOING BACK TO THAT 'HORRIBLE, DEPRESSING CAGE' WHERE SLEEP IS 'IMPOSSIBLE'
CONVICTED HEIRESS WASN'T DESCRIBING JAIL CELL BUT RATHER A ROOM AT ONE OF HER FATHER'S HOTELS
ROONEY RULE DERAILS SELECTION OF NEW BISHOP
PITTSBURGH - A third Catholic bishop who had been considered a contender for the top job in the Pittsburgh diocese has been appointed to serve elsewhere. Observers blame the thirteen-month delay in selecting a Bishop on a variety of factors, including the Rooney Rule that dictates a minority bishop must be interviewed for each open position. The Church adopted the rule, modeled on the NFL's rule of the same name, last year to silence critics who claim the church lacks diversity. Father Ronald Lengwin, spokesman for the Pittsburgh Diocese, explained that the rule is an impediment to the selection process in Pittsburgh because "there just aren't a lot of Negroes to consider, to be quite candid." To comply with the Rooney Rule in Pittsburgh, the Vatican approached NFL analyst Rev. Chris Carter, who cited other obligations and the fact that he's not Catholic, when declining consideration for the position. Other candidates reportedly under consideration are beloved former Pirates slugger Willie Stargell and former Boston Red pitcher Sox Luis Tiant, but neither has been interviewed yet.
Another reason for the delay in selecting a Bishop is that numerous other dioceses have had open seats, and many attractive candidates have opted to go elsewhere. Bishop Joseph Kurtz, 60, a Schuylkill County native who was considered a favorite for the Pittsburgh top job, interviewed with Baltimore, Cleveland and Cincinnati as the process dragged on. While he reportedly "liked the situation" in Pittsburgh he has signed with the Louisville diocese.
Local officials are pushing to get the situation resolved as quickly as possible. Otherwise, they feel the vacancy could hurt the city in the upcoming seminary draft.
Another reason for the delay in selecting a Bishop is that numerous other dioceses have had open seats, and many attractive candidates have opted to go elsewhere. Bishop Joseph Kurtz, 60, a Schuylkill County native who was considered a favorite for the Pittsburgh top job, interviewed with Baltimore, Cleveland and Cincinnati as the process dragged on. While he reportedly "liked the situation" in Pittsburgh he has signed with the Louisville diocese.
Local officials are pushing to get the situation resolved as quickly as possible. Otherwise, they feel the vacancy could hurt the city in the upcoming seminary draft.
SEINFELD 'SOUP NAZI' CHAIN TO OPEN DOWNTOWN
PITTSBURGH - The white supremacist group Aryan Nation has announced it is expanding its most successful franchise, "Soap Nazi," into Pittsburgh. Excited local residents are already lining up to have racial epithets hurled at them, along with the "killer soup" the chain is justly famous for.According to Aryan Nation corporate spokesman Billy Ray Bufford, the coming months may see more from this active and growing franchiser of specialty eateries.
"While we don't have signed contracts in place yet, Allegheny County is an area we are very interested in. We are hopeful that Pittsburghers will soon be able to stop and grab a tasty bite to eat at three of our other, wildly successful chains: Burger Nazi, Sub Nazi and Pirogi Nazi.
MAYOR APPEARS ON WDVE'S MORNING SHOW, DENIES THAT HE CRASHED OAKMONT AFFAIR HONORING TIGER WOODS
"'Crash' Oakmont? I couldn't even find Oakmont. I thought I was at the right place, but it didn't look like any golf course I'd ever seen because there weren't any miniature windmills or fake dinosaurs -- so I left."
PARIS HILTON: 'I'M GOING TO STOP BEING DUMB'
Hilton astounds historians because these were the exact words spoken by Albert Einstein just months before he published his theory of relativity
GONZALES SINGS THE BLUES
WASHINGTON -- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales pulled out all the stops yesterday, lobbying senators ahead of a scheduled vote of no-confidence on his performance as attorney general. After speaking with several Republican senators, Gonzales grabbed a guitar and treated the lawmakers to an impromptu concert in the senate cloak room, delivering stirring renditions of "I Fought The Law and the Law Won," "Gimme Shelter," "Where Did I Go Wrong" and the Depeche Mode classic "Personal Jesus." When asked to sing "Proud Mary," Gonzales deferred, noting he could not recall the lyrics. After the gathering, Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl said, "Than man may not know squat about the law, but he sure can sing."
Republicans accused Democrats of staging the vote for purely political theater. In an offer of good faith, the Democrats cancelled debate on a follow-up resolution on Gonzales that stated, "He's ugly too."
Republicans accused Democrats of staging the vote for purely political theater. In an offer of good faith, the Democrats cancelled debate on a follow-up resolution on Gonzales that stated, "He's ugly too."
DAN RATHER CRITICIZES CBS FOR 'DUMBING DOWN, TARTING UP' ITS KATIE COURIC NEWSCAST BY REPORTING THE NEWS ACCURATELY
VETERAN NEWSMAN "LONGS FOR THE DAY" WHEN A NETWORK ANCHOR COULD COME ON THE AIR AND LIE AND SLING MUD, CITES HIS REPORT ON BUSH'S MILITARY RECORD AS AN EXAMPLE
AIRLINE PASSENGERS FILE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST TB PATIENT ANDREW SPEAKER
Thousands of Americans volunteer for jury duty in trial against personal injury lawyer
MARK MADDEN CALLER COMPLETELY AGREES WITH MARK MADDEN
PITTSBURGH - Although starting his call to ESPN Radio’s Mark Madden with a viewpoint clearly opposed to that of the host, local caller Greg Petrosky quickly assured Madden that they, in fact, had the same opinion.“The Steelers really should have drafted a cornerback in the first two rounds,” Petrosky said in his opening remark.
“First of all, why are we talking about that?" Madden bellowed. "In any event, why would the Steelers have done that? That makes absolutely no sense!” Madden countered.
Petrosky then quickly pointed out that they were both on the same page.
“Oh yeah, yeah, Mark, I agree with you completely. That’s what I mean,” he said.
Madden immediately moved on to another caller, and Petrosky advised three neighbors that he and Madden "are on the same page" as far as the Steelers are concerned.
NASA SLASHES SPACE SHUTTLE’S BUDGET: NO MORE IN-FLIGHT PRETZELS
CAPE CANAVERAL – Looking at ways to slash the high cost of space travel, NASA announced today that beginning with the next shuttle mission it will eliminate free pretzels and start charging astronauts for overweight baggage.“This current [shuttle] mission is awfully expensive, what with trying to keep the ship from blowing up and so forth,” said Dr. Benjamin Cardozo, director of the Kennedy Space Center. “The pretzels and the luggage are obvious areas where we can draw the line on costs.”
Rick Sturcko, Commander of the shuttle Atlantis, says he is "damn upset" about the pretzels. “You betcha, I am. I’ve been trying to enlist John Glenn to talk sense to these NASA buffoons but that . . . bald-headed bastard won’t return my calls.”
Dr. Cardozo chuckled, “If Rick is upset about the pretzels, wait until he sees how many astronauts I’m going to cram on the next flight so that I can save space.”
UPMC ACQUIRES THE USGA
PITTSBURGH - Just days before the U.S. Open kicks off at Oakmont Country Club outside of Pittsburgh, UPMC surprised the financial community by announcing it has acquired the assets of the organization that oversees professional golf in the United States, the USGA. UPMC's CEO Jeffrey Romoff touted the "obvious synergies" between the two organizations, but when pressed for an explanation, Romoff said simply, "Everyone knows doctors love to golf."
TRAFFIC ALERT: SECOND AVENUE AT ARMSTRONG TUNNELS TO CLOSE FOR REENACTMENT OF BEN ROETHLISBERGER MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
“This dress is way more comfortable than my wool uniform,” said reenactor Dwayne Ball who portrays the driver of the Chrysler New Yorker that hit Roethlesberger
PITTSBURGH – Civil War Reenactors from the 53rd Pennsylvania Volunteer Infantry, Company D will stage a reenactment of Ben Roethlesberger’s motorcycle accident today on its first anniversary. The intersection at Second Avenue at the Armstrong Tunnel will be closed between 11 AM and 1 Pm for the event.
“The timing couldn’t be better for us,” explained reenactor Malky Rosenecker, “We have a break in our schedule between the Skirmish at Tannehill in Alabama and the Battle of Gettysburg next month.”
Unlike the original accident, which was witnessed by only a few members of Steeler Nation, the reenactment is expected to draw thousands of the Steeler faithful. The City of Pittsburgh is asking fans to park at nearby Duquesne University where the lots will be opened for tailgating at 8 AM.
“Accident” sponsor, the H. J. Heinz Company, will provide fifteen gallons of ketchup to represent the blood that Roethlesberger spilled at the intersection. The company says that the beloved condiment will be cooled to room temperature and will not be the scalding variety that is used at the Heinz Field scoreboard’s “red zone” display.
Who will portray the injured Stealer Quarterback is being kept a secret for know, but the reenactor who will play Martha Fleishman said he is “psyched.”
"I’ve always been jealous of the guy who plays Mary Todd Lincoln at our Civil War reenactments, but getting to be [Mrs. Fleishman] for a couple of hours is the real prize.”
TENS OF THOUSANDS FILL HOSPITAL PARKING LOT TO HOLD VIGIL FOR AILING QUARTERBACK
PITTSBURGH - A crowd estimated at over fifty thousand people gathered in the parking lot of Mercy Hospital last night to pray, sing songs, and celebrate the life of their ailing quarterback. A solitary light remained shining in Mr. Roethlisberger’s room throughout the evening, offering a poignant reminder to the grieving masses that Mr. Roethlisberger, though in frail health, remained alive. At one point, however, the light went out, and a great cry arose from the crowd. And then, the light flickered on again, causing a sigh of relief. When the light went out once more, the people began to get restless. It was then that Jerome Bettis came to the window wearing a wide grin. The beloved leader and inveterate prankster revealed himself to be the person responsible for the practical joke. Many fans were observed clutching cardboard cut-outs of Mr. Roethlisberger. Still others were seen holding containers of Big Ben Barbecue Sauce, gently stroking the image of his face that appears on the bottle.
A children’s choir arrived just after sunset and performed a variety of inspirational numbers, including the “Steelers Victory Polka” and “Here We Go.” Officials at Greater Pittsburgh International Airport said that traffic has gone “through the roof” since Roethlisberger’s accident, as pilgrims from around the world rush to enter the city in a desperate attempt to pay their respects to their spiritual leader before it’s too late.
A spokesman for Mr. Roethlisberger said that he harbored no ill-will toward the woman accused of trying to assassinate him, and he expected, at some point, that Mr. Roethlisberger would visit the woman responsible for his injuries in prison to forgive her, providing the mob doesn’t get to her first.
ROETHLISBERGER SUFFERING FROM AMNESIA, THINKS HE’S GAME SHOW HOST GENE RAYBURN
PITTSBURGH - The doctors and nurses at Mercy Hospital and Steeler team officials expressed concern today over reports that quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, injured when his motorcycle collided with a vehicle on Monday, thinks he is game show host Gene Rayburn.Among other things, Mr. Roethlisburger has requested his tailor to add super-wide lapels to the standard issue blue hospital gown he is currently wearing.
Mr. Rayburn, who hosted the popular nineteen-seventies game show “Match Game,” is said to be en route to Mercy Hospital in an attempt to convince Mr. Roethlisberger of his true identity. Late yesterday, the head nurse on duty became alarmed when Mr. Roethlisberger awakened after seven hours in surgery and began shouting for “Brett” and “Charles.”
Authorities now suspect that Mr. Roethlisberger/Rayburn was looking for Brett Sommers, the former Mrs. Jack Klugman, and Charles Nelson Reilly, the ascot wearing, snickering fop who was the Ms. Sommers' comic foil during the show's long run. The staff became increasingly worried when Mr. Roethlisberger began ending each one of his sentences with the word “blank.” One official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said Roethlisberger was muttering things like “she put it in her blank” and “so I stuffed it down my blank.” When the physician on rounds came to read his chart this morning, Roethlisberger allegedly told him “THIS IS JOHNNY OLSON SPEAKING. MATCH GAME IS A MARK GOODSON BILL TODDMAN PRODUCTION!”
Doctors say it is not uncommon for individuals who suffer traumatic head injuries to experience a variety of side effects, including amnesia. It is not known whether Mr. Roethlisberger will regain his identity before the regular season opener. If he is unable to remember who he is, it is likely Homestead native Charlie Batch would be pressed into duty, with former Match Game host Gene Rayburn as his back-up.
FIRST PHOTO OF ROETHLISBERGER POST-RECONSTRUCTIVE FACIAL SURGERY RELEASED TO MEDIA
PITTSBURGH - The Roethlisberger family released the first photograph of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s new face to the media yesterday, and Steeler officials warned the general public that the all-American visage of Big Ben is gone forever. Roethlisberger underwent seven hours of reconstructive surgery at Mercy Hospital to repair facial injuries sustained in a violent crash while driving his motorcycle last week. He remains in seclusion. Dr. Jack Napier, the surgeon who led the team that tried to restore Roethlisberger’s boyish good looks, was still upset he couldn’t do more. “Obviously, the shock of the accident did an immense amount of damage to Ben’s features. The green hair, the almost ghost-like pallor of his skin, and the grotesque, twisted shape of his mouth are irreversible. I only wish he hadn’t followed through on that endorsement deal with Revlon, because the lipstick he’s wearing does nothing but accentuate an already fiendish countenance.”
Roethlisberger’s agent, Leigh Steinberg, said his client was suffering no side effects from the crash or the surgery. “He’s still got his impish, maniacal laugh, and his sense of humor. Just last night he tried to squirt me in the eye with a novelty flower, and he’s been entertaining himself by electrocuting his guests with a joy buzzer.” Steinberg also said that Roethlisberger was spending a great deal of time during his convalescence contemplating life after football. When asked if Big Ben was considering a career as an arch criminal, Steinberg was coy. “We’re not ruling anything out,” he said.
WARREN COMMISSION COMPLETES REPORT ON ROETHLISBERGER MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
NO EVIDENCE THAT SECOND VEHICLE ON GRASSY KNOLL WAS INVOLVED; CHARLIE BATCH CLEARED.
BIG BEN SUES WOMAN WHO HIT HIS MOTORCYCLE, SAYS "I'LL OWN HER MARGARINE COMPANY WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH HER"
PITTSBURGH - Ben Roethlisberger filed suit this morning in the Court of Common Pleas of Allegheny County against Martha Fleishman, the woman who was driving a Chrysler New Yorker that pulled into Roethlisberger's lane of traffic while he was driving a motorcyle on Second Avenue on June 12, causing a near-catastrophic accident. The suit also names back-up Steeler quarterback Charlie Batch as a defendant, contending that Batch conspired with Fleishman to murder Roethlisberger.Roethlisberger refused to respond to a reporter's questions about the suit, but he was seen wearing an Imperial Margarine crown at the Steeler's training facility today "in silent protest" against the Fleishman Margarine Company, owned by the principal defendant in his lawsuit.
Among other allegations, Roethlisberger's complaint avers that Mrs. Fleishman's negligence "ruptured" Roethlisberger's relationship with his mother, who was scheduled to co-star with the young quarterback in a Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial that was to have filmed this week. That commercial was scuttled in the aftermath of the accident due to Roethlisberger's serious injuries. The complaint states: "Plaintiff's mother reasonably believes that 'that Squirrel Hill bitch [Mrs. Fleishman] unfairly deprived [her] of a prospective career as a Hollywood starlet.'"
The filing asks the court to compel Mrs. Fleishman to turn over to plaintiff controlling interest of the lucrative Fleishman Margarine Company in lieu of money damages.
Mrs. Fleishman refused to discuss the suit with a reporter but volunteered that Roethlisberger "must have butter for brains" for failing to wear a helmet at the time of the accident. "And that's the lowest form of ingredient your brains can have," added the margarine baroness.
The count against Charlie Batch alleges that Batch "sought to murder Plaintiff so that he could be named starting quarterback [for the Steelers]." It proceeds to belittle Batch's performance in the four games he appeared in last season, all of which the Steelers won. Asked to comment on the suit, Batch issued a statement denying that he conspired with Mrs. Fleishman to harm Roethlisberger but "applauding her efforts to take him out."
PENNDOT DEVISES WAY TO AVOID BLAME FOR FUTURE TUNNEL CLOSURES . . .
Calls on man who made threat to blow up tunnels to make similar threat prior to next scheduled closure of Squirrel Hill Tunnels. "That way, no one can blame me when we shut it down," snickered spokesman Jim Struzzi
'SOPRANOS' SHOCKING FINALE: EVERYONE AT WJM-TV NEWSROOM IS FIRED EXCEPT FOR TONY SOPRANO
IN FINAL SCENE, TONY'S MOTHER, LIVIA, EMERGED FROM THE SHOWER, MAKING CLEAR THAT LAST FOUR SEASONS HAVE BEEN A DREAM
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