NECK ON VINTAGE BARRY BONDS BOBBLEHEAD MYSTERIOUSLY SWELLS, HEAD WON'T BOBBLE
PITTSBURGH - A memorabilia collector said he is at a loss to explain how the neck on his 1992 Barry Bonds bobblehead mysteriously swelled to the point that the head can no longer bobble. "I haven't taken this particular bobblehead out of its box since 1992, and frankly I was shocked when I saw it," said collector Noah Swayne. Swayne said the figurine has also lost its hair and sprouted breasts, and its testicles have vanished.
ANOTHER BLACK EYE FOR BASEBALL: NEW BOOK REVEALS PETE ROSE BET ON BARRY BONDS' STEROID USE
SCOTTSDALE - Major League Baseball received yet another black eye today when Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book to be released next week that chronicles evidence showing that former Cincinnati Reds superstar Pete Rose, banned from baseball for life for betting on games while he was the Reds' manager, started placing bets as early as 1998 that Giants superstar Barry Bonds was using performance-enhancing drugs. This information comes days after Sports Illustrated published a detailed report showing that, in fact, Bonds started using steroids heavily in 1998. Bonds was harshly critical of Rose today. "It is misconduct such as Rose's gambling that engenders disrepute of our national pastime," said the seven-time MVP and new all-time homerun king.
Meanwhile, reporters caught up with Rose in a New York airport and asked him to comment on this week's revelations about Bonds. Baseball's all-time hit leader smiled and said, "I win."
BARRY BONDS SAYS HE WANTS TO PLAY ANOTHER YEAR AS A GIANT, AND AS A SAN FRANCISCO GIANT
SLUGGER SAYS HE'LL CONTINUE USING STEROIDS TO ACCOMPLISH BOTH GOALS
FORMER PORT AUTHORITY HEAD CHALLENGES CUT IN PENSION
Paul Skoutelas claims he needs $9,000 per month pension "to avoid riding those godawful, hideous, smelly buses."
STEELERS FIRST-ROUND PICK NEEDS GROIN TRANSPLANT; THOUSANDS LINE UP OUTSIDE TRAINING CAMP TO DONATE GROIN
LATROBE, Pa. - Lawrence Timmons, the Steelers first round pick in this years NFL draft, needs a groin transplant. Team doctors made the announcement following the conclusion of a battery of tests and a thorough examination of Timmons' groin this morning. Steelers Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert confirmed the news. “If Lawrence is going to have a fighting chance in this league, he’s going to need a new groin. Without that groin, he’s not going to make it.” According to Colbert, Timmons “tweaked” his groin during mini-camp this past May. It is unclear how the tweak occurred. “The exact origins of the tweak remain a mystery. Only Lawrence ’s groin knows,” said Colbert. A request to interview Timmons groin was denied.
Minutes after news that Timmons' rookie season could be in jeopardy was made public, thousands of Steelers fans began queuing up outside the team practice facilities at St. Vincent College. “I just came to tell Coach Tomlin and Mr. Timmons that if he needs a new groin, he can have one of mine,” said David Corbett, of O’Hara. Mr. Corbett’s offer of a groin donation was greeted with applause. The large crowd, dressed in black and gold, was somber. Some fans clutched rosary beads. Many were observed with their heads bowed in prayer. Still others merely held their groins. Timmons is scheduled to fly back to Pittsburgh this evening to meet with his agent and representatives of UPMC to discuss his options. A final decision will be made later this week.
LOCAL WOMAN CALLS HUSBAND'S DEATH FROM HEART ATTACK AFTER LIFETIME OF OVEREATING 'JUST THE WAKE-UP CALL HE NEEDED'
PLEASANT HILLS, Pa. - Vera Marcal said her husband's death from chronic heart disease last week was "just the wake-up call he needed" after a lifetime of overeating. Julius Marcal, 38, of Pleasant Hills died last week after suffering his second heart attack in the past two years."I've been after him to lose weight for years," Mrs. Marcal gloated. "When I saw him clutching his chest, I knew this was just the thing he needed to put an end to those bad habits. Some people have to be hit over the head, you know."
Mr. Marcal was buried from St. Elizabeth's Church following a funeral Saturday.
AMC THEATERS TO BEGIN SHOWING MOVIES AGAIN
Cinema chain grudgingly admits that constant stream of commercials, coming attractions not enough to keep ticket-buyers coming back
SUDAN REJECTS MIA FARROW'S OFFER TO EXCHANGE HER FREEDOM FOR IMPRISONED REBEL'S, SAYS IT WANTS FARROW'S BABY INSTEAD
Farrow says, "Oh, no, we're not going to go through all THAT again!"
FDNY PULLS PLUG ON BEEFCAKE CALENDARS DUE TO COVER GUY'S APPEARANCE IN 'GUYS GONE WILD'
Fire Department to use Michael Biserta's appearance in salacious video as training film to show new recruits how to use fire equipment
TOMLIN WINS FIRST GAME AS STEELERS HEAD COACH, ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT
Coach says he wants to spend more time with his family
PIRATES INVESTIGATING HOW "ADULT NOVELTY" WAS LAUNCHED INTO CROWD DURING HOT DOG SHOOT
PITTSBURGH - Mr. and Mrs. Bradleys Roadhouse, seated in Section 9, Row F near the visitors dugout at PNC Park during Saturday night's game between the Pirates and Reds, got an unwanted surprise in the fourth inning. That's the inning the Pirate Parrot traditionally launches tightly packed hot dogs into the crowd from his "hot dog shooter," which resembles a hand-held cannon. For reasons the Pirates are still investigating, in Saturday's game it wasn't hot dogs the Parrot was shooting. Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield issued a prepared statement that explained what happened: "The Pirates deeply regret that somehow during our popular hot dog-shoot launch last Saturday, several simulated novelty male organs were launched into the stands instead of our usual plump, all-beef franks. An examination of the offending items revealed that they were of the kosher variety, partially skinless. We are cognizant of and deeply regret the trauma this incident may have caused families who came to PNC Park for wholesome entertainment, as well as those male recipients of the item who don't quite measure up. The Pirates are investigating this matter."
A flushed Mrs. Roadhouse described what happened: “I don’t eat ‘hot dogs’ for religious reasons, but I do enjoy watching the Parrot shoot off a frankfurter now and again. On this particular occasion, he cocked his cannon, and I it spewed something into the air. The next thing I knew, I looked down in my husband's lap and saw something that didn't belong there: a large package. I reached over and grabbed what I thought was a hot dog."
Although Mrs. Roadhouse claimed to be mortified, her husband said "she took particular delight in whipping that monster out of its wrapper."
That wasn't the only snafu during the game. Later, during the t-shirt toss, some fans received female underwear instead of the usual t-shirt. 80-year old usher Hank Sepp passed out when he caught a glimpse of what had been tossed to the crowd. The culprits of this prank turned out to be the the slingshot shooters. “We were in the changing room before the game,” explained Ballgirl Velveeta Lugosi, “and I go, ‘Like, let’s shoot off our panties tonight,’ and the other girls go, like, ‘OK’.”
Mr. Littlefield said that the female underwear incident "was just an innocent prank" that warrants no disciplinary action. In fact, the Pirates are considering repeating it in future games.
BIG BEN LOOKS GOOD IN LIMITED PLAY IN HALL OF FAME GAME
The confidence is back, shows no signs of last year's near-fatal motorcycle accident except for two black scars directly under eyes.
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL CRASHES GAME IN CANTON, SAYS HE ATTENDED TO WELCOME SAINTS TO PITTSBURGH
Unveils indelible black and gold chest paint
URGENT CALL TO NORTH CAROLINA BEFORE LAST NIGHT'S HALL OF FAME GAME
"It's on CBS, Bill -- turn it on you damn fool, and tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do."
STEELERS' COACHING STAFF MIGHT HAVE TAKEN FIRST PRE-SEASON GAME TOO LIGHTLY
"Make that one large with everything, and a medium pepperoni."
CHUCK NOLL DIAGNOSED WITH RARE IMMUNE SYSTEM DISORDER
Legendary coach still making public appearances, despite being confined to a bubble
BOB NUTTING COMES TO GRIPS WITH SITUATION FOLLOWING MORRIS TRADE
“McClatchy is a pimp. He never could have out-traded San Francisco. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Littlefield all along.”
BUCS' PITCHING COACH JIM COLBORN GOES ON RAMPAGE, GUNS DOWN SIX PIRATES IN DUGOUT
MAYHEM ERUPTED AFTER IAN SNELL BECAME THE LATEST PLAYER TO PUBLICLY TANGLE WITH THE COACH
VING RHAMES REACTS TO CARETAKER'S DEATH
"Mr. Wolfe, we've got another body we need you to take care of."
EXPERTS SAY MINNEAPOLIS BRIDGE COLLAPSE MIRRORED MISHAP TO LONDON BRIDGE, WHICH FELL DOWN, WHICH FELL DOWN, MY FAIR LADY
MINNEAPOLIS - A team consisting of highway construction engineers and five-year-old kindergarten students is studying the popular "London Bridge" nursery rhyme today for clues that could shed light on the cause of the Minneapolis bridge catastrophe.Unconfirmed reports indicate that the team has singled out an unnamed fair lady as a person of interest and suggested she be subpoenaed in connection with her role in the collapse.
Engineer Noah Swayne, the team leader, told reporters that the team is perplexed by the meaning of the second verse of the rhyme: "Take a key and lock her up, Lock her up, Lock her up. Take a key and lock her up, My fair lady."
"We're not exactly certain, but we're assuming the second verse relates to Paris Hilton in some manner," said Swayne.
NEW POET LAUREATE FORMERLY SERVED AS HEAD RHYMER FOR HALLMARK'S "NAKED BIRTHDAY" LINE OF CARDS
"CHARLES SIMIC WAS THE FIRST ARTIST TO WEAVE IMAGERY AND PERSONIFICATION INTO THE NAKED BIRTHDAY LINE OF CARDS," SAID HALLMARK PREZ VELVEETA HALLMARK-LUGOSIWASHINGTON, D.C. - Charles Simic, 69, was named the nation's 15th poet laureate on Wednesday by Noah Swayne, director of the Library of Congress. The Yugoslavian native is said to be bracing for the onslaught of paparazzi, throngs of autograph seekers, and, in his words, "loose women."
Simic, the author of several critically acclaimed books of poetry, spent two decades as "chief rhymer" for Hallmark's popular "naked birthday" line of cards. He was the highest paid star in Hallmark's galaxy of poets that included Robert Frost, who headed the company's prestigious "Lordy, lordy, look who's forty" division, and Frost's successor Maya Angelou, who specialized in cards pretending to contain money (but really didn't).
"Charles [Simic] was the first artist to weave imagery and personification into the 'naked line' [of cards]," said Velveeta Hallmark-Lugosi, current president of the card company. "He is a true modernist."
Comic and poet Nipsey Russell proclaimed Simic "the best rhymer Hallmark ever produced," and that's saying a lot, given that the company was founded by poetry giants Lord Byron and Percy Shelley.
Ms. Hallmark-Lugosi explained that Simic also has a mischievous side to him. "Most people don't realize that in his younger days Charles also posed as the model for the cards he penned," she explained. "He was probably Hallmark's most alluring hunk. To this day, I have one of his photos glued to the ceiling above my bed, but that's an entirely different story."
At the height of his popularity with the greeting card behemoth, Simic was abruptly fired by Ms. Hallmark-Lugosi's father, Carnegie, then-President of the company, for "compromising Hallmark's standards of good taste." Simic chuckles about it now. "I had become bored by it all. Every card was the same tease -- 'This naked guy is bringing you something special for your birthday,' and then you'd open the damn card and his privates are always covered for some reason or other. So I decided, wouldn't it be fun if, just once, the man forgot to cover up? Why, that would give the woman a happy birthday, indeed." Simic tried out his idea, with disastrous results.
"My father was not amused," Ms. Hallmark-Lugosi said. "Aroused, yes, but not amused." Simic found himself unemployed for the next twenty-seven years, until this week when he was named poet laureate.
"Maybe this is the start of a comeback for Charles Simic," said Ms. Hallmark-Lugosi. "Who knows? One of these days Hallmark might just take him back."
MATTEL HALTS FISHER-PRICE TOY RECALL; CEO SAYS PARENTS HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT THEMSELVES
"We name our products clearly and appropriately," said CEO Robert Eckert,"If consumers don't read the labels and their kids get sick, that's not our fault. Caveat emptor, you know?"
GOV. RENDELL UNDER FIRE FOR FAILING TO CHECK INTO BACKGROUND OF NEW GAMING CONTROL BOARD CHAIRMAN
ALPHONSE GABRIEL CAPONE SAID TO HAVE TIES TO ORGANIZED CRIME
HARRISBURG - Governor Edward G. Rendell is smarting over the flap caused by his administration's failure to do a rudimentary check into the background of the new head of the state Gaming Control Board, Alphonse Gabriel Capone, also known as "Scarface," "boss" and "kingpin." When the Rendell administration picked Capone, who donated in excess of $600,000 to Rendell's reelection bid, it failed to ask him if he had a criminal record. In fact, Capone has been linked to gangland killings and has been convicted in connection with illegal alcohol trafficking and bribes of government officials.
Capone, reached at his cell at the Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary, said the allegations were "more of the same." He deferred further questions to his associate and vice-chair of the Gaming Control Board, gangster Frank Nitti.
Rendell told reporters he was not concerned about Capone's failure to make full disclosure. "Oh, I can't get excited about that; this is another Republican witch hunt," Rendell said. "I mean, the way you guys [the press] twist things, it's understandable that accomplished people like Al [Capone] don't want reveal every single incident, no matter how innocuous, from their past," Rendell said.
Lt. Governor Catherine Baker Knoll, who is prone to referring to Governor Edward G. Rendell as "Edward G. Robinson," the late tough-guy actor who played mobsters in the movies, told reporters that "now Pennsylvania has two gangsters in high places, the Governor and Scarface."
THIS NEWS SOURCE REAFFIRMS POLICY OF NOT REPORTING NAMES OF RAPE ACCUSERS OR, IF APPLICABLE, THEIR PIMPS
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The rape allegations against three Duke Lacrosse players has refocused attention on the widely accepted practice among news sources of not reporting the names of sexual assault accusers. In the Duke case, the three young men accused of the most vile crimes were subsequently declared "innocent" by the state's attorney general (not merely "not guilty"), and the D.A. who brought the baseless charges was disbarred and has admitted there was no credible evidence for the charges. The names of the young men were freely aired by every news source in America for more than a year while the false charges hung over their heads.After the accuser's claims were declared unworthy of belief, most of the elite news media pondered long and hard as to whether to name the accuser, and for good reason, most decided against it. For example, NPR reached its decision only after taking into account the accuser's mental history and possible motivations.
This news source completely agrees with this rationale. Unstable persons, such as the Duke lacrosse accuser, who make false allegations of rape should not be named by the news media because naming them would only discourage other wackos, nutcases and liars from making similar wholly unfounded claims against other innocent men. Such fabricated claims are to be encouraged at all costs, even if the cost is an innocent man's reputation. The only thing that matters is that we get a good, titillating story out of it, truth be damned.
But this news source wouldn't stop there. For future cases, the wacko's pimp also should not be named because naming the pimp would render identification of the wacko easier.
It is for all these reasons that this news source joins the others and will not report the name of the Duke lacrosse accuser, Crystal Mangum.
EDGAR SNYDER DEPLOYS TROOPS TO MINNESOTA.
Local attorney vows to find any surviving 40% take of wrongful death cases
BUSH ECSTATIC: MINNEAPOLIS BRIDGE COLLAPSE WAS NOT THE WORK OF ISLAMIC FANATICS
". . . it looks like it was just good old-fashioned American negligence," says Prez
STEELERS’ MEDICAL STAFF URGES FANS TO EASE INTO VIGOROUS TOWEL-TWIRLING
“I know preseason games are boring, but fans should treat them like training camp and get their arms in shape gradually,” team doctor saysPITTSBURGH --- With the first game of the Tomlin era approaching, Steelers’ medical personnel are asking fans not to overdo it on waving their Terrible Towels. “In the last few years, we’ve seen an increase in carpal tunnel syndrome and snapped wrists among fans,” Dr. Noah Swayne, chief physician for the team, said today. “It’s clear that after a long summer layoff, fans are putting too much stress on their arms all at once. These injuries can be avoided.”
Swayne advises fans to loosen up their hands, wrists and arms before the start of the game. "Then hold the Terrible Towel by two corners and gently shake it to get warmed up. After that, vary the speed of your twirling, change directions, and change hands periodically. Be ‘thoughtfully non-rhythmic,’ as Coach Tomlin likes to say.”
Dr. Swayne said fans shouldn’t be embarrassed to start with gentle stretching and slow movements. “Even the players gradually work themselves into shape,” he said. “Well, maybe not this year so much since Mike is working them really hard, but more like when Bill Cowher was coaching.”
The Steelers’ medical staff knows many fans will ignore their advice, but they are ready to help the injured. “We’re on hand primarily to treat players during the games, but we keep an eye on the stands, too. Once we hear that telltale ‘snap’ of a broken wrist, we jump right in. We’ll do what we can, but now that Dr. Radzye is no longer on the medical staff, fans should keep in mind that they won’t be able to get any growth hormone or testosterone from us this year. Warming up and training might be the better way to go.”
TOMLIN COMBATS POOR PUNT RETURNS
In an attempt to combat past poor punt returning, Mike Tomlin's successful genetics experiment allows players to grow an extra catching arm out of their foreheads (Reported by Jane Pitt, aka PittGirl)
GIANTS’ GENERAL MANAGER BRIAN SABEAN ASKS HIS SECRETARY TO SEND DAVID LITTLEFIELD A FRUIT BASKET
“It’s the least I can do to show my appreciation.”
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