ANTHONY SMITH: STEELERS ACHIEVED 'MORAL VICTORY' HOLDING TOM BRADY UNDER 400 YARDS PASSING
Smith beaten badly by teammates following remarks
LOCAL CHURCH'S 'LIVING NATIVITY' GIVEN SHOT IN THE ARM THIS YEAR BY GOING 'ALL ATHEIST'
The Pleasant Hills Presbyterian Church is staging its 24th annual living nativity scene, but this year there's a twist. "All of the characters are played by atheists," explained Rev. Bradleys Roadhouse, the church's pastor. "From Mary and Joseph down to the acne-scarred drummer boy."
Parishioners applauded their pastor's effort to engage non-believers in the celebration of Christmas, but Rev. Roadhouse admitted that's not why he did it. "I just thought it would be a real hoot to be able to say that every character is played by a damned-to-hell-for-eternity agnostic," Roadhouse chuckled. "You know, when you do the same thing every year, sometimes you have to spice it up to keep it interesting for yourself."
Local atheist Noah Swayne, 22, who plays Joseph, said he knew nothing about the role. "I asked the Reverend, 'What's this dude's motivation?' and he, like, gave me this book written by all these dead guys that tells all about it. So I read it, and, like, I can really relate to this Joseph dude, because my ex-girlfriend hit me up for paternity, too, even though I'm not the real father, just like him. I asked the court to, like, let me take a paternity test but they refused, so I'm stuck paying 215 a month for, like, the next 18 years. So, yeah, I can relate to this dude, totally."
Some parishioners say they have been so moved by the atheists' performance, they have never experienced Christmas on such a deeply spiritual level. A few have even talked to the actors about converting to atheism. Rev. Roadhouse puffed on his cigar and chuckled when he heard that. "Well, that's a little deep for me. Maybe next year I'll go with my original idea: the living nativity with all Hooter's waitresses."
The Living Nativity runs nightly through December 23.
SPEAKING IN TONGUES, ROMNEY ASSURES NATION IN ARAMAIC THAT HIS FAITH WON'T DICTATE HIS POLICIES AS PRESIDENT
In a wide-ranging defense of his religious beliefs that sought to assure Americans they have nothing to fear from a Mormon in the White House, Mitt Romney referenced the Bible, Ronald Reagan, Andy of Mayberry and topped it all with a spectacular finale by speaking in tongues.
In Aramaic, Romney said: ا ينبغي للشخص ان يكون المنتخب بسبب إيمانه ولا ينبغي أن يكون رفض وقال" انه بسبب ايمانه ، ولكن ما لم الناخبين ، الشيطان السلطة فقط قد يكون كافيا لانتخاب هيلاري كلينتون." Translated it means: "A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith, but unless voters are vigilant, Satan's power just might be strong enough to elect Hillary Clinton."
TV LAND TO REBROADCAST PERRY COMO’S 1979 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL STARRING JOHN BELUSHI, AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI
New York - A legendary Perry Como Christmas special shown only once on network television will be rebroadcast this weekend on TV Land, said Viacom spokesman Chet Brinker.
Archivists for NBC, the network that broadcast Como ’s Christmas specials for thirty years until he renounced Christianity in 1984 and joined the American Atheist Society, said they found the original tape in a storage locker.
The special, which featured appearances by the comedian John Belushi and the Ayatollah Khomeini, was thought to be lost by television historians. Viewers tuning in will be treated to rare footage of the Ayatollah and Mr. Como performing several comedy sketches, including one in which the Ayatollah plays a harried sales clerk trying to help Mr. Como pick out a bottle of perfume for his wife.
“Khomeini was a natural, and this special proves it,” said Brinker. “If he had chosen comedy over toppling the Shah, he could have been another John Ritter.”
The show also features a segment with Mr. Belushi, Mr. Como and the Ayatollah in the kitchen discussing favorite recipes, family traditions, and their resolutions for the New Year.
“Belushi asks Khomeini if he wants a part in his new film, which turned out to be ‘The Blues Brothers.’ It’s fascinating to speculate how history would have been changed had he accepted.”
Brinker added that people who know Khomeini only as a man given to fire and brimstone-filled harangues will be pleasantly surprised at the quality of his singing. “He does a version of ‘Marshmallow World’ that will warm your heart.” The special airs Saturday. Consult your local listings for the time in your area.
From the Carbolic Smoke Ball Archives: December 6, 1941
NOTHING TO FEAR ABOUT THE JAPANESE EXCEPT FEAR OF THE JAPANESE ITSELF
EDITORIAL BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The State Department is up to its old shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to goad, cajole, wheedle and incite the gentle and peace-loving people of Japan into attacking the United States of America. Less than two weeks ago, our Secretary of State Cordell Hull unilaterally demanded that the Japanese withdraw all its troops from China in an attempt to provoke a Japanese attack.
It won't happen. The Japanese will, of course, never attack the United States of America, despite whatever geo-political legerdemain the State Department employs, and you heard it here first.
I have studied the Japanese closely for many years, their quaint ways and inscrutable customs, and I am certain beyond any reasonable doubt that Japan would immediately drop any designs it has on mainland China if it meant militarily tangling with us. The fact of the matter is, the Japanese care not a whit about whether they lose face in the international community by backing down when pushed. Trust me on this one.
I am also thoroughly familiar with the Japanese military, and am certain that they do not possess the capability of launching an attack on our Pacific fleet, and they know it. Moreover, I have personally met their Imperial General Hideki Tojo (he once gave me a recipe for raisin bread), and I found him to be a fun-loving, gregarious man more concerned about peace than any so-called imperial designs.
No further exegesis on this point is warranted since the thing the State Department seems bent on inciting simply is an impossibility.
Now, whether the Japanese should withdraw from China is another matter. No useful purpose would be served by responding to the self-serving blather of Secretary of State Cordell Hull's November 26 note to the Japanese that demanded their complete withdrawal from mainland China. Japan has expended tremendous national resources to dominate China, and Hull would completely eviscerate all of that hard work. The domination Japan seeks is part and parcel of its larger expansionist interests, which interests may not be such a bad thing, truth be told.
But that is the subject of another editorial. For now, it is my opinion that the American people are bored to tears with this Japanese topic, and I will not bother them further with it.
EDITORIAL BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The State Department is up to its old shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to goad, cajole, wheedle and incite the gentle and peace-loving people of Japan into attacking the United States of America. Less than two weeks ago, our Secretary of State Cordell Hull unilaterally demanded that the Japanese withdraw all its troops from China in an attempt to provoke a Japanese attack.It won't happen. The Japanese will, of course, never attack the United States of America, despite whatever geo-political legerdemain the State Department employs, and you heard it here first.
I have studied the Japanese closely for many years, their quaint ways and inscrutable customs, and I am certain beyond any reasonable doubt that Japan would immediately drop any designs it has on mainland China if it meant militarily tangling with us. The fact of the matter is, the Japanese care not a whit about whether they lose face in the international community by backing down when pushed. Trust me on this one.
I am also thoroughly familiar with the Japanese military, and am certain that they do not possess the capability of launching an attack on our Pacific fleet, and they know it. Moreover, I have personally met their Imperial General Hideki Tojo (he once gave me a recipe for raisin bread), and I found him to be a fun-loving, gregarious man more concerned about peace than any so-called imperial designs.
No further exegesis on this point is warranted since the thing the State Department seems bent on inciting simply is an impossibility.
Now, whether the Japanese should withdraw from China is another matter. No useful purpose would be served by responding to the self-serving blather of Secretary of State Cordell Hull's November 26 note to the Japanese that demanded their complete withdrawal from mainland China. Japan has expended tremendous national resources to dominate China, and Hull would completely eviscerate all of that hard work. The domination Japan seeks is part and parcel of its larger expansionist interests, which interests may not be such a bad thing, truth be told.
But that is the subject of another editorial. For now, it is my opinion that the American people are bored to tears with this Japanese topic, and I will not bother them further with it.
TODDLER ARRESTED FOR RAPING 27-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
PITTSBURGH - Jacob Mahoney, 3, was arrested and charged with raping the 27-year-old owner of the day care center that cared for him. The boy was led away in handcuffs, sucking a lollipop, and is being held at the Allegheny County Jail pending arraignment. Authorities are weighing whether he should be tried as an adult. If convicted, he would face up to 40 years imprisonment then be required to register as a sex offender for the remainder of his life. Mahoney allegedly forced himself on the victim in her private office at the day care center. It is the policy of this news service not to report the identities of females who allege they are victims of crimes perpetrated by males even if it turns out the allegations were purposefully false.
The victim's accusation was substantiated by co-worker Michelle Giunta, who walked in on the tail-end of the brutal assault. "I opened the door and saw [the victim] with her top and bra removed," Giunta explained. "Jacob was lying face up on a table, his pants were pulled down, and he was crying. [The victim] had her right hand on Jacob's private parts. There were scratches all over his body. My first reaction was to leave because I'd obviously intruded on something very private, but before I could do that [the victim] saw me, and she immediately pulled her hand away from Jacob and put on her bra, then she explained that she was fighting off Jacob's improper sexual advances," said Ms. Giunta.
"Needless to say, I was shocked. All I could think of was, 'That sweet little child, and it turns out he's no better than any other man. Jacob is a misogynist!' I asked Jacob in my sternest voice to explain himself, but all he would say was, 'Go outside and play, go outside and play.' Imagine how callous someone would have to be to say such a thing at a time like that, flaunting his male privilege! Right then and there, I knew he was guilty."
Ms. Giunta called the police who promptly took the boy into custody. The victim reportedly told police that she and Jacob had become affectionate over the past several months but that the boy "took it too far, without my consent." Police say they are satisfied with the victim's explanation for the marks on the boy's body: the victim scratched him only after learning that Jacob had been unfaithful to her by playing with a little girl. "It's our policy not to press charges against women who tell us their crime was prompted by something a male did," explained Sgt. Noel Haas. "Which is virtually everything."
At the police station, Jacob's father, Noah Swayne, 29, claimed that Jacob is physically incapable of committing rape. Ms. Giunta rolled her eyes. "One needn't wonder where Jacob learned to mistreat women with such a poor male role model," she said. "I have no doubt the father taught him to watch Internet porn, which most likely led to this tragedy. 'Incapable of committing rape?' Nice try, mister, but I saw [the victim's] hand on Jacob's private parts, and what possible motive would she have to lie? All I can say is, thank goodness she was able to stop him or who knows what he might have done to her."
LOCAL MEN WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION VIE FOR CHANCE TO WEAR FROSTY'S MAGIC HAT
Rankin/Bass sponsors clinical study to find out if famous silk topper can bring more than a snowman to life
EXPERTS SAY U.S. STEEL WAS 'RIPPED OFF' PAYING $1 BILLION FOR CLAIRTON WORKS
Steel giant could have had all of Clairton for $921.00.
"'W' IS A BLOCKHEAD, BUT HE DID GET A NICE TREE"
VP CHENEY CONFIDES TO MRS. BUSH AT WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS TREE CEREMONY
JENNA BUSH ARRESTED FOR MAKING PRANK CALLS
Ellen DeGeneres goads first daughter to call President on the air, then dares her to call 911 and lodge false fire report
BUSH CONDEMNS IRAN FOR NOT PURSUING ITS NUCLEAR PROGRAM.
"I call on the Iranians to restart their nuclear program, which I can then vigorously condemn."
DUKE'S 'GROUP OF 88' SAY THEY ARE 'HOPEFUL' THE OMAHA MALL KILLER WAS CAUCASIAN
Ultra-left wing professors who condemned lacrosse players of rape without knowing facts are "keeping fingers crossed" they can denounce killer as white, misogynist, racist male.
Danielle Onorato Says She Should Be Congratulated For Keeping Her Big Mac Consumption Down
"Sure, a 2-lb bag of M&Ms each day is my new thing. But so what? The important thing is I've held the line on Big Macs. In reality and at the end of the day, this new M&M diet is very popular in other areas of the country, so why not here?"
FDA RECALLS PRESCRIPTIONS FILLED BY PHARMACIST EMIL GOWER: ALL CONTAINED POISON
TWELVE-YEAR OLD GEORGE BAILEY ARRESTED FOR COVERING UP GOWER'S MISDEEDS
ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT TO ADOPT EIGHT MORE MINORITY CHILDREN, INCLUDING TODAY SHOW ANCHOR ANN CURRY
“She’s always following us around and asking for interviews,” Jolie said, “so we figured we should just give her a room of her own.”
PIRATES REPLACE 'OUTBACK' AT PNC PARK WITH 'CHEAPSKATES'
PITTSBURGH - Pirates' CEO Bob Nutting held a news conference today to introduce the replacement for "Outback Steakhouse" at PNC Park."'Outback' has been taken out back for a spanking," Nutting joked. "It simply wasn't serving the interests of our customers." Nutting unveiled plans to fill the vacated space with a chain new to Western Pennsylvania called "Cheapskates," a West Virginia-themed eatery owned and operated by Nutting himself. Nutting explained that "Cheapskates" will specialize in nondescript sandwiches and over-priced mixed drinks, "all served on paper plates and recycled cups."
Thanks to a grant from the RAD, Nutting said, "no expense will be spared" for the remodeled interior, including revolving bar and large , latest technology big screen TVs. "To give it that real West Virginia flavor," Nutting said, "we're going to import couches from Morgantown and set them on fire!"
ZOO’S SILVERBACK GORILLAS PETITION FOR NAME CHANGE TO ‘JAMES HARRISON’ GORILLAS
“We know [Harrison’s] teammates call him Silverback, but he’s tougher than us and we acknowledge that,” gorilla spokesman says
HIGHLAND PARK ---- The resident Silverback gorillas at the Pittsburgh Zoo have asked officials to begin referring to them as James Harrison gorillas, effective immediately. The change is in honor of the Steelers linebacker’s outstanding play this season.
HIGHLAND PARK ---- The resident Silverback gorillas at the Pittsburgh Zoo have asked officials to begin referring to them as James Harrison gorillas, effective immediately. The change is in honor of the Steelers linebacker’s outstanding play this season.
We’ve noticed what a monster season James is having,” alpha male Muba said today from his enclosure. “We [gorillas] usually live separately, but all the guys get together to watch the Steelers games. Any time James comes on the screen, there’s all kind of chest-beating and screeching. It gets pretty wild.”
Most fans first took notice of Harrison’s performance during the 38-7 win over Baltimore earlier in the season, but the gorillas have been watching him closely since the pre-season. “He’s been impressive all year, and he leads the team in sacks. He asked to play on kick coverage once things started going bad. Fixing the special teams all by himself may be beyond him, but he is the ultimate alpha male to us.”
Zoo officials said they will begin changing their signage and re-training the tour guides immediately. “When the gorillas speak, we listen,” spokeswoman Karenna Kern said. “And if James Harrison speaks, we’ll listen to him, too.”
The zoo’s gorillas hope Harrison will be with the Steelers for many years to come. “He’s been great for our image,” Muba said. “We haven’t had this much publicity since Gerela’s Gorillas were around.”
Pirates attack ExxonMobil vessel in Nigeria
Buc's manager John Russell says raid on ship yielded "several good prospects," team close to filling 25-man roster
EIGHT MEN WHO HAD SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS WITH SEN. LARRY CRAIG SAY THEY AREN'T GAY EITHER
BOISE — The Idaho Statesman reported that eight men claim they either were propositioned by Sen. Larry Craig or had sex with him at various times during his political career. Like Craig, the eight deny that they are gay. One of the eight, Mike Jones, 50, is the male prostitute who associated with disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard, former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. Jones claims that he specializes in services for high profile, conservative, closeted, gay, Republicans. "It's a much bigger market niche than you might think, " crowed Jones, "I'm doing quite well."
Senator Craig rolled his eyes and emphatically stamped his foot while answering questions about the eight men outside his senate office last night. Stumbling over his words as he denied the new allegations, Craig repeated, "Let me be Barney Frank with you, I am not gay."
Senator Craig rolled his eyes and emphatically stamped his foot while answering questions about the eight men outside his senate office last night. Stumbling over his words as he denied the new allegations, Craig repeated, "Let me be Barney Frank with you, I am not gay."
DREW PETERSON FINALLY CONFESSES: “I KILLED LACI”
Says he has no idea where his own wife is, but admits to framing Scott;“I just couldn’t live with the guilt of seeing that nice young man in jail,” the former Illinois cop says
HOLLYWOOD NEWS: SEQUEL PLANNED FOR "TEETH," THE VAGINA WITH CHOPPERS THAT DISMEMBERS MALES' MEMBERS
Shooting title of sequel is "BRACES" -- a noble feminist orthodontist corrects a nasty malocclusion in the "Teeth" that made penis-chomping difficult
BY VELVEETA ANDRY, CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL'S MAN HATING FILM CRITIC - Even though Mitchell Lichtenstein's cult classic Teeth hasn't been given a widescreen release yet, word of mouth about this modern-day retelling of the vagina dentata fable has been so enthusiastic -- among women at least -- that the producers are planning a sequel. For our testosterone-poisoned readers blissfully unfamiliar with this fable that is retold in countless cultures, it's the story of a vagina with teeth that bites off the penises of men foolish enough to try to have sex with it.
In Teeth, a high school woman repeatedly subjected to vile, non-consensual sex suddenly develops a set of choppers in her whooha that dismembers the -- ah -- members of date rapists and other persons unfortunate enough to be born with a tallywacker. When I say "dismembers," I mean in the most graphic cinematic detail possible.
Our heroine quickly realizes that her four-lipped man eater is a source of female empowerment, the leveler of patriarchy. A warning for anyone who dislikes seeing severed penises lying about or watching dogs chew on them (which likely includes anyone cursed with the "Y" chromosome): this may not be the film for you. In fact, our male readers would do well to skip it in favor of some "cool" film more suited to their intellects -- you know, where things get blown up.
The astute producers of Teeth, which was hailed at the Sundance Film Festival this year, know a good thing when they see it, so they've green lighted a sequel called Braces. It's the story of a noble feminist orthodontist who fits Teeth's choppers with a set of sweet looking braces to adjust a nasty malocclusion that made penis-chomping uncomfortable.
The producers say they hope that Braces will help usher in the next wave of feminism, the fourth wave, where the principal emphasis will be on female dental care, especially among third-world and trans-women of color. (The producers go to great lengths to emphasize that merely because no one can intelligently define third wave feminism, this does not mean it doesn't exist or that the fourth wave isn't coming.)
Me, I'm just waiting to see what happens to the boys when their organs hit the sharp metal of the orthodontic hardware lying in wait inside our heroine. Now that will be cool.
STEVE PEDERSON GETS BETTER OFFER FROM 'SOME OTHER SCHOOL,' BOLTS FROM PITT AFTER TWO DAYS
Pederson not sure of name of school making the offer, "but it doesn't really matter."
OUTBACK CLOSES AT PNC PARK
Bob Nutting jokes: "Now, a Pirates' victory will be the only thing rare at PNC Park, and nothing will be well-done."
AIRPORT AUTHORITY: NO HARM DONE BY FATHER AND SON CITED FOR HUNTING AT AIRPORT
Also no harm done when man fires cannon down Airport's "A" concourse
EVEL KNIEVEL FUNERAL PROCESSION TRAGEDY
Corpse of iconic daredevil breaks six ribs as hearse fails to clear 30 headstones
DETAILS OF CLINTON HOSTAGE CRISIS EMERGE
FIRST HOSTAGE RELEASED WAS MOTHER WITH INFANT, OBAMA ACCUSES HER OF PLAYING "THE GENDER CARD"
PITTSBURGH DOWNTOWN PARTNERSHIP URGES SHOPPERS TO "EXPERIENCE THE HOLIDAY SEASON DOWNTOWN"
Hoping to avoid another controversy, group decides not to use any of its ten proposed holiday themes:
10. Taking the Christ Out of Christmas Season
9. Sparkle Season Emeritus
8. Dashing Through the Homeless Season
7. A Few Stores Should Still Be Open Season
6. Crèche and Burn Season
5. All is Calm, All is Blight Season
4. Minimum Monthly Payment Season
3. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl’s Shopping Season. Luke Ravenstahl, Mayor. Luke Ravenstahl.
2. You Can Still Call it Kaufmann’s If You Want Season
1. Ross Park Mall Sucks Season
W.VA. FANS STUNNED BY LOSS TO PITT
MORGANTOWN -- West Virginia fans sit in stunned silence after the number 2 ranked Mountaineers lost to their bitter rivals, the Pitt Panthers 13 to 9. The loss effectively eliminated WVU from the BCS championship game. The Mountaineers had been favored by as much as 137 points and were considering playing their cheerleaders against the hapless Panthers. Mountaineers' coach Rich Rodriguez tried to find a silver lining for his team in what was obviously a crushing defeat, saying, "at least we probably saved Dave Wannstedt's job."
BREAKING NEWS: FIVE BLOCK AREA AROUND MAYOR'S PANTS CORDONED OFF DUE TO APPEARANCE OF SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE
Pittsburgh police have blocked off the area around the corner of Seventh and Penn downtown after a suspicious package was found in the region of Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's crotch. Bomb technicians are on the scene and speculate it could be explosives, or it could be that puberty has set in.
Deputy Chad Hermann, who serves writs for the Sheriff's Office, noticed the package as the mayor walked down Penn Avenue around 8 a.m. Hermann asked this reporter to point out to that he "wasn't purposefully looking at the mayor's crotch area, just as I wouldn't look at any man's crotch area or have any desire to see a man's penis. I just sort of glanced at him and it was pretty hard -- that is, it was pretty hard to miss."
Fellow deputies secured the scene, moving children several blocks away and charging other bystanders admission.
The mayor's Chief of Staff Yarone Zober issued the following statement: "Can that Luke fill out his pants or what!"
BALD SPOTS AT HEINZ FIELD TO GET HAIR PLUGS
STEELERS SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT WHETHER FANS "WILL BE ABLE TO TELL"
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