Steely McBeam busted in scandal with Sen. Larry Craig
The Steelers’ beloved mascot was arrested after shaking his foot in a bathroom stall next to Sen. Larry Craig
TEACHERS UNION AVERTS STRIKE: AGREES TO REDUCE FROM 7 TO 5 THE ANNUAL NO. OF MALE STUDENT SEXUAL ASSAULTS
Senior Tim Murray of Spiro Agnew High School is escorted to the teacher's lounge to be sexually assaulted by a female teacher in this file photo
T.C. CONGDON TO WORK PRESIDENT’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS; FIRST VENDOR IN HISTORY TO STROLL THROUGH AISLES DURING HISTORIC SPEECH
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Legendary Pittsburgh vendor T.C. Congdon has been hired for an exclusive event: selling bottled beer to a thirsty crowd of congressmen, cabinet officers and Supreme Court justices during President Bush’s State of the Union Address next week. Mr. Congdon will precede Mr. Bush in entering the chambers. His arrival will be announced by the Doorkeeper of the House of Representatives. Reached by reporters at the Duquesne Club where he operates the mechanical bull in between trading quips with local movers and shakers in the world of politics and business, Congdon was ecstatic. “Holy Smokes!” he exclaimed. “I’m finally going to get the chance to tell Ginsburg [Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg] what I thought of her dissenting opinion in Unger v. Madison!” Mr. Congdon has requested, and received, permission from the Pittsburgh Penguins to take the evening off from his regular shift at the Civic Arena to make history in the nation’s capitol.
“We know what T.C. means to a crowd,” said Pens President Ken Sawyer. “He has a special ability to add excitement to any event. We are confident he will do the same for the folks attending the State of the Union address.” White House officials have asked Mr. Congdon to wear appropriate attire, and have plenty of spare change. Congressional protocol forbids tipping from any government official.
MR. SPOCK CRITICIZES HILLARY CLINTON FOR EMOTIONAL OUTBURST IN NEW HAMPSHIRE; VULCAN CALLS SENATOR’S BEHAVIOR ‘HIGHLY ILLOGICAL’
LAS VEGAS - Mr. Spock, one-time science officer of the Starship Enterprise and current host of C-Span’s nightly call-in show “Spock Says,” criticized Senator Hillary Clinton’s “emotional response” to a question asked the day prior to the New Hampshire primary last week. Spock said Clinton’s assertion that “this is personal to me” while answering a voter was “highly illogical.” He called the moment “fascinating.” Asked if the incident would be a factor in determining his preference in this year’s presidential election, he replied “indeed.”
Mr. Spock made the remarks during a speech delivered before the Council For Interplanetary Relations. The group is holding their annual convention at the Bellagio Hotel.
Opponents of Mrs. Clinton in the Nevada primary, scheduled for this Saturday, attempted to use Mr. Spock’s condemnation as proof that she’s unworthy of the nomination, but her campaign down-played the issue.
A spokesman pointed out that Spock, the Democratic candidate for President in 1988, essentially destroyed his own chance for the White House by responding to a debate question posed by the moderator, CNN’s Bernard Shaw, concerning the theoretical rape of his wife in a way many voters found devoid of human feeling. And yesterday, Senator Clinton appeared on stage with former Enterprise Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy. McCoy called Mr. Spock “a cold, unfeeling creature without an ounce of sense in his body.” He added that he “wished we’d have left him for dead at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.”
TONY ROMO DENIES HE WAS DISTRACTED BY GIRLFRIEND JESSICA SIMPSON
"My personal life was not a factor in our loss to whoever it was that we just played."
BAR OWNERS STAGE COUP, OVERTHROW ONORATO
Irish Balladeer Terry Griffith inserted as new county executive
ROMNEY BITES BOIL OFF BABY'S HEAD
Dramatic gesture intended to underscore candidate's position that "health care is a personal responsibility"
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CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER VISITOR IDENTIFIES FORMER MAYOR TOM MURPHY AS BODY AT “BODIES” EXHIBIT
“I knew it was him because he was muttering that the miniature railroad and village needs more publicly subsidized miniature department stores,” said the visitor.
SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS JACKSONVILLE PLAYOFF VICTORY; SEND STEELERS TO NEW ENGLAND FOR SECOND-ROUND MATCH WITH PATRIOTS
WASHINGTON, D.C. -The United States Supreme Court, responding to an emergency writ of certiorari filed by heartbroken fans this past Monday, reversed the outcome of last Saturday’s playoff game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers in a unanimous decision issued yesterday.
The ruling, which essentially ends the Jaguars season, sends the Pittsburgh Steelers to Foxboro, Massachusetts this weekend for a second-round playoff match against the undefeated New England Patriots.
Writing for the Court, Chief Justice John Roberts said an abuse of discretion by the head official in assessing a holding penalty against Steelers center Sean Maha on the Hines Ward two-point conversion play was “so egregious as to nullify the final result of the contest.”
Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio said he was disappointed by the Court’s ruling. “Still, we are a nation of laws, and the Court is the final arbiter. While I respectfully disagree, we will abide their decision. Effective immediately, I am releasing all players and staff until mandatory pre-season work-outs resume in May." Del Rio then excused himself to begin the process of cleaning out his locker.
Attorney’s for the Steelers were in the process of preparing an emergency motion for the Court’s consideration asking for a stay of Saturday night’s game to allow Coach Tomlin and his staff additional time to prepare. They expected to file the motion this morning.
ANTHONY SMITH GUARANTEES BILL RICHARDSON WILL WIN THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT
STEELERS SAFETY ALSO SAYS FRED THOMPSON IS A LOCK FOR TOP OF GOP TICKET
'Peace At Last': Bush shocks Middle East by unfurling 'Mission Accomplished' banner
RAMALLAH - On the second day of his Middle East peace mission, President Bush hastily raised the "Mission Accomplished" banner behind Palestinian leader Mahmud Abbas and Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert at a photo-op and promptly declared his trip a success."I got me a legacy," declared Bush. "Peace in the Middle East!" Olmert and Abbas issued an unprecedented joint statement saying, "We had no idea that banner was behind us. Our position continues to be unrelenting hatred for each other, and we have not abandoned mindless violence. Have a nice day."
LOCAL PATRIOT REFUSES TO PUSH 1 FOR ENGLISH
PITTSBURGH -When local tavern owner and patriotic American Ted Johnson placed a service call to his local cable company, he didn’t expect to be insulted, provoked and harassed.But that’s just what happened when the automated answering system prompted him to press the number "one" for English.
Johnson had just pressed 10 numbers to reach his cable company, and the 11th digit apparently put him over the edge.
“This is America,” a visibly distraught Johnson said. “What’s this country coming to that I have to press 1 for English? Next thing you know, they’ll be forcing our kids to celebrate Cinco de Mayo! We have to take a stand! This is just what the terrorists want.”
Johnson was so offended by what he deemed an "unreasonable and arduous request" that he slammed the phone down and is considering ending his cable service altogether. Seeing himself as a modern-day Patrick Henry, he plans to write "several strongly worded" letters to local newspapers, and call in to talk shows in an effort to rally like-minded Americans who are being discriminated against by extra button-pushing.
In other affronts to his nationalism, Johnson reportedly still has not gotten over feeling disrespected while watching last year's Super Bowl halftime show when the Rolling Stones displayed the Union Jack flag.
“This is America,” a visibly distraught Johnson said. “What’s this country coming to that I have to press 1 for English? Next thing you know, they’ll be forcing our kids to celebrate Cinco de Mayo! We have to take a stand! This is just what the terrorists want.”
Johnson was so offended by what he deemed an "unreasonable and arduous request" that he slammed the phone down and is considering ending his cable service altogether. Seeing himself as a modern-day Patrick Henry, he plans to write "several strongly worded" letters to local newspapers, and call in to talk shows in an effort to rally like-minded Americans who are being discriminated against by extra button-pushing.
In other affronts to his nationalism, Johnson reportedly still has not gotten over feeling disrespected while watching last year's Super Bowl halftime show when the Rolling Stones displayed the Union Jack flag.
TOMLIN FIRES BOB LIGASHESKY, NAMES SALLY WIGGIN NEW SPECIAL TEAMS COACH
PITTSBURGH -The Pittsburgh Steelers issued a press release yesterday announcing that the contract for special teams coach Bob Ligashesky would not be renewed for the 2008-2009 season, and that the position was being filled by WTAE anchorwoman Sally Wiggin. The move comes less than one week after Jacksonville Jaguars return man Maurice Jones-Drew returned a kick-off ninety-six yards to set up a touchdown in the first quarter of the Steelers wild-card playoff loss.
Wiggin informed viewers last night during the six o’clock news. “Breaking news from Steeler headquarters on the South Side, where the Steelers have announced they are making a change on their coaching staff,” she read. “Bob Ligashesky is out, and I’m in.” Wiggin, whose eyes grew large as she finished the sentence, was clearly surprised. When the news sunk in, she thrust her fist in the air and pounded the desk in front of her. Co-anchor Mike Clark and weatherman Stephen Cropper came on camera to slap her on the back and offer good wishes. All three then erupted in spontaneous woofing and whooping before going to a commercial.
Wiggin, who played six games for the Steelers last season as a punt return specialist, is the first anchorwoman to coach in the National Football League.
Edwards Campaign Stocks Up On Kleenex For South Carolina Primary
DIXVILLE NOTCH - Tears worked so well for Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire that John Edwards plans to steal a tissue from her playbook as he makes his way to South Carolina for the next presidential primary. Volunteers from the Edwards campaign were caught on camera at a Spartanburg, South Carolina Wal-Mart buying up every box of Kleenex in stock while Edwards rehearsed his new tearful gaze."Wow. This is not easy," Edwards mumbled under his breath. Insiders say Edwards is having difficulty displaying a sad face due to the smile implant surgery he had four years ago.
Meanwhile, rumors circulated that the Edwards camp is preparing to announce that Edwards' wife Elizabeth suffers from Ebola. "Cancer wasn't enough to move the needle with these tough Yanks," said the candidate in an unguarded moment after his second straight poor showing in the primaries. "Let's see how this works."
TIME TO SAVE TIME, NAME OBAMA PERSON OF THE YEAR FOR 2008, 2009, and 2010
“We wanted to name him Person of the Year for 2111 and 2012 too,” Managing Editor Richard Stengel said, “but we thought we’d wait and see what he does first.”
STAGE REVIEW: 'THE URINAL MONOLOGUES': UNLOCKING THE URINAL'S INNER VOICE
REVIEW BY NOE GIVVEN-TAYKE - "The Urinal Monologues," a series of interlocking monologues by six talking urinals dealing with all-things-penis, is perhaps the first serious attempt to unlock the urinal's inner voice. The show, making its world debut in the men's room of the City Theater, is a cathartic, gut-wrenching celebration of the unspoken truths about the penis: that it is is the only tool through which men achieve both solidarity with maleness and, paradoxically, total individuality, yet society ordains it remain zippered out of sight due to its sublime power for both procreation and violence. Aside from that, we are told that it's a lot of fun to use it to take a whizz in the snow.
These themes are explored with unflinching candor in monologues dealing with the gender-specific oppression men experience when they are forced to shake after peeing to avoid getting urine drip on their underwear, not to mention the unspeakable shame of morning erections.
But a few women in the audience found it a little off-putting when one urinal encouraged the audience to repeatedly chant the phrase “piss on women.” One young female in the audience later said that the chant did little to empower men and only served to dilute the play's important message of urging men to embrace their genitalia, with both hands. Some of the men who participated in the chant admitted they were embarrassed by their actions but said they'd probably do it again if given the chance. In fact, the chant was intended by trans playwright Geraldine Jones to instill a sense of collective male guilt, but the men who spoke with us said that concept was completely foreign to them.
The ending more than made up for any failings, though, as the men in the audience threw down their inhibitions and approached the urinals, slowly at first, then with greater confidence. One by one they unzipped, some with beer in hand, and like race horses, peed to rousing applause. More than a few raised both arms while they pissed in a triumphant gesture of masculinity, a fitting coda to a play that epitomizes everything that modern theater does right. The triumph was topped off by an inspired blast of realism when, after the men had finished urinating, women in the audience had to remind most of them to wash their hands.
The play is slated to run through March 31.
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL APPEARS AT PA FARM SHOW, REFUSES TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR 2007 SEASON
Groundhog says he is moving forward to improve in 2008
OBAMA CONCEDES TO CLINTON IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
"I congratulate the bitch on her victory here tonight. This was a hard-fought race for both me and the bitch, but it is only the beginning for us, and tomorrow we'll take our campaign against the bitch south and west. Yes we can -- beat the bitch, that is."
GRUELING NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY LEAVES FORMERLY 'INVINCIBLE' CLINTON BATTERED
FORMER FIRST LADY VOWS TO MAKE NECESSARY ADJUSTMENTS, MOVE FORWARD WITH DEMOCRATIC PROCESS
PORTSMOUTH, New Hampshire - After a grueling New Hampshire primary that battered Hillary Clinton, once thought to be unbeatable, the defiant former first lady vowed to make the necessary adjustments and move forward with the democratic process of selecting a nominee for president.
Senator Clinton met with reporters on her campaign bus. She was joined by the two newest additions to her campaign team, former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher and current Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin.
“We didn’t execute as well as we should have on election day, that’s the bottom line,” said Clinton. “That takes nothing away from Senator Obama, because he’s a tremendous candidate. But we’ve got to get better. I’ll answer any questions.”
Long-time Washington Post political correspondent David Broder began his question with the words “what if” when Clinton cut him off. “We don’t play the ‘what if’ game,” she said. “There’s a fine line in this business between winning the nomination, and dealing with a bunch of no-talent hacks in Albany.” She added that she welcomed the challenges the primary season brings. “Adversity doesn’t build character,” she said. “It reveals character.”
The Senator said her team emerged from the bruising battle with Obama in good shape. “From an injury standpoint, nothing much to speak of.” She pronounced herself as probable for Super Tuesday. Before ending her remarks, the Senator paid tribute to the people of the granite state. “New Hampshire primary voters are something else. They really are the greatest primary voters in the world.”
PORTSMOUTH, New Hampshire - After a grueling New Hampshire primary that battered Hillary Clinton, once thought to be unbeatable, the defiant former first lady vowed to make the necessary adjustments and move forward with the democratic process of selecting a nominee for president.Senator Clinton met with reporters on her campaign bus. She was joined by the two newest additions to her campaign team, former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher and current Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin.
“We didn’t execute as well as we should have on election day, that’s the bottom line,” said Clinton. “That takes nothing away from Senator Obama, because he’s a tremendous candidate. But we’ve got to get better. I’ll answer any questions.”
Long-time Washington Post political correspondent David Broder began his question with the words “what if” when Clinton cut him off. “We don’t play the ‘what if’ game,” she said. “There’s a fine line in this business between winning the nomination, and dealing with a bunch of no-talent hacks in Albany.” She added that she welcomed the challenges the primary season brings. “Adversity doesn’t build character,” she said. “It reveals character.”
The Senator said her team emerged from the bruising battle with Obama in good shape. “From an injury standpoint, nothing much to speak of.” She pronounced herself as probable for Super Tuesday. Before ending her remarks, the Senator paid tribute to the people of the granite state. “New Hampshire primary voters are something else. They really are the greatest primary voters in the world.”
BELICHICK COMES CLEAN: BRADY'S BEEN PLAYING WITH JUICED BALLS
Randy Moss, Bridget Moynahan confirm the story
TOMLIN RECONSIDERS; DECIDES HE WILL USE EXCUSES TO EXPLAIN PLAY-OFF LOSS
PITTSBURGH - In a stunning reversal, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin told members of the media gathered at the final press conference of his inaugural season that he would use excuses to justify his team’s loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in the first round of the playoffs Saturday night.“After a great deal of thought, I have decided that blaming other people is the easiest way to absolve myself, and our team, of any responsibility for the final outcome of the game against the Jaguars,” said Tomlin. “Obviously, we didn’t get the job done. But I realize now that the best way of dealing with not achieving a goal is to look deep within yourself and find an acceptable rationalization that will allow you to justify your own failure.”
Asked if there was a single excuse he found most plausible, he declined to single out just one. “There are so many outstanding possibilities, it’s hard to know where to begin. The poor quality of the field surface is a good place to start, not to mention our many injuries, and you can’t forget the weather conditions. I could go on, and I will, because now that I have abandoned my usual post-game stoicism, I find the experience quite liberating.”
Tomlin then added a litany of excuses he believed contributed to the Steelers defeat, ranging from existential despair among members of the kick-off coverage team to performance anxiety on the offensive line. The coach promised he would spend the off-season searching for additional excuses. “If I come up with any more, I’ll be glad to share them with you at the appropriate time.”
ANONYMOUS WECHT TRIAL JURORS GO ON CRIME SPREE, CAN’T BE IDENTIFIED
PITTSBURGH - The anonymous jurors in the Cyril Wecht trial are suspects in a series of muggings, bank robberies, and menorah thefts throughout Allegheny County.Judge Arthur Schwab ordered the jurors' anonymity due to revelations that Wecht wrote threatening letters to the Imperial Ruler of Planet Xenon, accusing him of anti-Semitism after Xenon failed to pay an invoice stemming from Wecht's work on the Fox Network's old "Alien Autopsy" show.
Judge Schwab's order makes it illegal even to think about the jurors' identities, so police will not be investigating.
A NATION IN MOURNING
The Pittsburgh Steelers' season will lie in state at Butya's Roadhouse for the next three days. Visitation will be 5-7 p.m. each day. 16 oz Bud Lite: $2.00.
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