RENDELL CAUGHT IN CHEESESTEAK SCANDAL

Investigators say governor spent thousands of dollars at Pat’s while claiming loyalty to Geno’s

PHILADELPHIA --- A political bombshell hit Philadelphia today when it was revealed that Governor Ed Rendell has been patronizing Pat’s Cheesesteaks after 21 years of commitment to Geno’s.

The scandal came to light after Rendell’s bank informed federal investigators of the transfer of large sums of money to Pat’s. Through wiretaps, investigators determined that Pat’s employees were referring to the governor when an order came in for “Client Nine.” It also appears that the governor ordered the same items repeatedly, as one worker is quoted as saying, “Yup, same as in the past. No question about it.”

Political analyst Terry Madonna isn’t surprised by the event. “Food has always been his downfall," the Franklin & Marshall professor said today. "He’s probably cheated [on Geno] hundreds of times, but this is the first time he’s been caught.”

Reaction from Geno’s customers was swift. “You can cheat on your girlfriend and you can cheat on your taxes, but you don’t cheat on Geno,” landscaper Noah Swayne said. “And Pat’s? Pat’s? Doesn’t the man have any taste?”

The governor made only a brief statement to reporters. With Geno at his side, Mr. Rendell said, “I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standards I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my cheesesteak provider.”

Geno made no comments and kept his eyes downcast throughout Rendell’s statement. They left the room together as reporters shouted questions about Rendell’s political future.

GERALDINE FERRARO ISSUES NEGRO PRIVILEGE ALERT CHART

TRAILBLAZING EX-VP CANDIDATE: CHART PROVES AMERICA ENGAGES IN REVERSE RACISM, SEXISM

ALIEN FROM ‘ALIEN AUTOPSY’ LIVID HE WASN’T CALLED AS WITNESS FOR WECHT DEFENSE AFTER TAKING TIME OFF FROM WORK AT RAY-GUN FACTORY

Fluor Tri-Gamron: "I'm tempted to disintegrate your planet"

WECHT GETS LEGAL BILL, ORDERS DEFENSE TO REST

"I’m going to have to do some private autopsies to pay this bill.” -- Cyril Wecht

Local Woman Thankful For Water Pollution

PITTSBURGH - Consumers across America said they are angered by yesterday's report that a bevy of pharmaceuticals and carcinogens pollute our nation's watersheds, but one local woman sees it differently.

"I was at my wits end before the report came out," Pittsburgh native Olena Kaminski explained. "I was menopausal, clinically depressed and had lost my job. Without a regular salary and health benefits I couldn't afford my hormone replacements and antidepressants. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks at a time, I was so depressed."

Olena's untreated menopause and depression left her unable to look for work, which furthered her downward spiral into depression. But then came her lucky break.

"I read the article and jumped for joy. I could get all the medications I needed for free by just turning on the kitchen faucet."

Kaminski said it is "ironic" she had pinched pennies in order to afford bottled water, thinking this would help her health situation.

"I tossed that spring water crap in a heartbeat," she said laughing, running her fingers through her long hair which seemed to be thinning a bit at the crown. "You don't suppose there's any Rogaine in there too, do you?"

OBAMA SUGGESTS HE WOULD CONSIDER JENNIFER ANTKOWIAK AS RUNNING MATE

CLINTON ACCUSES ILLINOIS SENATOR OF PANDERING, PLEDGES TO NAME MARK MADDEN SECRETARY OF STATE

PITTSBURGH - Senator Barack Obama said he thought former KDKA anchorwoman Jennifer Antkowiak “would be a good fit” in an Obama administration, and hinted that discussions have already taken place within his campaign about offering her the position of Vice President. Obama made those remarks yesterday during an address to students at the Bill Curry Fashion Institute. “Jennifer is a bubbly, vivacious personality who radiates warmth and maternal tenderness,” he said. “Those are the type of qualities I’m looking for in a running mate.”

Obama said he became aware of Ms. Antkowiak after finding a copy of her eponymous magazine in an airport men’s room. “I picked it up, and I couldn’t put it down,” he said. “Ten ways to lose the winter blues. Five tips to liven up your left-overs. It was page after page of innovative ideas. We need this kind of fresh thinking in Washington.”

When informed of Senator Obama’s comments, Ms. Antkowiak said she was flattered, but declined further discussion, citing a busy schedule. “I’m working on a new cleaning solution to remove grape juice stains from upholstery, and I think we’re heading for a breakthrough.” Clinton campaign spokesman Dave Corbett issued a statement shortly after news of a potential Obama/Antkowiak pairing became public. “This kind of pandering to the voters of Western Pennsylvania diminishes the democratic process, and is typical of the cynicism that permeates the Obama campaign.”

TERRELLE PRYOR TO ATTEND MIKE TYSON'S FIGHT SCHOOL

Much-sought-after high-schooler says decision finally swayed by Saturday night's "kick-ass" post-game fight; former heavyweight says, "If I'd fought that well against Buster Douglas, I'd still be the champ"

FORTY PERCENT OF TAP WATER CONTAINS PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

Some consumers report also finding paper in water with Blue Cross logo: "This is not a bill"

TRIAL SHOCKER: WECHT HIRED BORIS KARLOFF TO DELIVER CADAVERS TO CARLOW UNIVERSITY

PITTSBURGH - The government today produced the most compelling argument to date in the Cyril Wecht trial indicating a body-trading agreement between Dr. Wecht and Carlow University. Assistant U.S. Attorney Stephen S. Stallings produced a surprise witness, Boris Karloff, to testify that he regularly transported bodies to Carlow at Dr. Wecht's behest.

"It was just a friendly business proposition, wasn't it Cyril?" Karloff said with eerie assurance to a stunned courtroom. "Cyril and I go way back, don't we Cyril?" Karloff said with a crooked smile, all the while glaring at Wecht. The former coroner squirmed and seemed genuinely startled by Karloff's presence.

"And where I got the bodies is nobody's business," Karloff volunteered. Stallings tried to press him on this point, but Karloff cut him off. "Nobody's business," he said sternly, glaring at Stallings.

Wecht's wife Sigrid seemed especially agitated by Karloff's presence. She whispered to Wecht, "Cyril, you promised me you would have nothing more to do with that horrid man. He scares me so, Cyril." Wecht clutched her hand. "I promise, dear, when this is over, I'll have no further dealings with him. I'll make sure of that, no matter what I have to do."

ELIOT SPITZER'S DEFENSE TO PIMP CHARGES: 'I'M A DEMOCRAT; WE DON'T BELIEVE IN FAMILY VALUES'

RON PAUL ENDS PRESIDENTIAL BID, ENDORSES LATE ACTOR WILLIAM DEMAREST

“I think the county needs Uncle Charlie's no-nonsense leadership right now.” -- Ron Paul

BREAKING NEWS IN TODAYS TRIB p.m.: DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DISASTER

Atomic scientists accidentally spring Doomsday Clock's hands ahead one hour -- past midnight. Earth to be annihilated.

Out-of-towner says Pittsburghers are rude, unresponsive

PITTSBURGH - Out-of-town businessman Noah Swayne said Pittsburghers are “the rudest people” he’s ever met.

“I try to strike up a conversation with them, and they don’t respond,” he said.

“This morning, I said ‘hello’ to this, like, shiny dude downtown, and he, like, totally ignored me.”

WVU ALUMNI OUTRAGED BY MBA SCANDAL

Email protests to be followed by lawsuits, couch burnings

CARBOLIC PHOTO SHOCKER: ALEXANDER OVECHKIN SPOTTED PLAYING DEFENSE

Capitals' winger fails to prevent winning goal, does cause Hell to freeze over

SCANDAL EXPOSED: PITTSBURGH’S ROAD CREWS FIND STEADY WORK BECAUSE OF ‘POTHOLE MAN’

Mysterious man more reliable, works harder than city employees.

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL WEEK IN REVIEW ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

CARBOLIC SPECIAL REPORT: PITTSBURGH'S POPULATION DECLINE

SECOND EXPLOSION ROCKS REGION

KDKA reporter, overcome by political excitement, killed in blast

PITTSBURGH - One day after a house exploded in Plum, the region was rocked by a second deadly explosion that claimed the life of beloved KDKA Political Editor Jon Delano.

The explosion occurred at 5:37 pm, during a report about how the Democratic presidential candidates will soon descend upon western Pennsylvania. Mr. Delano, whose voice had been high and trembling with excitement throughout the report, soon became even more agitated. While talking about "a Pennsylvania primary that will finally count toward a nomination," Mr. Delano began to twitch and seize in his chair. The veteran reporter's face flushed, his eyes bulged noticeably behind his glasses, and a manic smile spread across his face. Then his head exploded.

Slow-motion replays of the incident reveal that Mr. Delano's last words were "Barack Obama."

The explosion, which occurred during KDKA's five o'clock newscast, was inadvertently broadcast live to hundreds of thousands of homes in the tri-state area. Because the story concerned national politics and, at the time of the explosion, had lasted more than two-and-a-half minutes, it's believed that only about a dozen viewers actually saw Mr. Delano's demise.

"It's such a terrible tragedy," said KDKA news anchor Patrice King Brown. "Jon was as giddy as a big, scary schoolgirl ever since the Texas and Ohio primaries. It's a shame to see his dream blown up -- I mean, cut short -- like this."

Ken Rice, the anchor who introduced Mr. Delano just before the explosion, noted that his colleague was so excited to cover the upcoming Pennsylvania primary that he "could hardly contain himself. But I guess you could tell that from the footage."

HOWARD DEAN URGES DO-OVER OF MICHIGAN, FLORIDA PRIMARIES, 'DEAN SCREAM'

Former presidential contender vows to make "yea-a-hah!" sound more presidential this time

LENTEN FISH FRY RUINED WHEN FISH DEVOURS PARISHIONER, DINERS REMEMBER VICTIM AS CRUSTY, SEA-FARING JERK

WTAE NAMES CHICKEN LITTLE CHIEF METEOROLOGIST

Station hopes iconic fowl will instill "sky is falling" panic in viewers

PITTSBURGH - WTAE-TV news director Bob Longo announced that Chicken Little, 58, has been named the station's chief meteorologist at evenings and at night. The iconic fowl, known the world over for creating a massive panic throughout the Midwestern United States in 1977 when an acorn landed atop his head and he repeatedly shouted "the sky is falling," will become the station's highest paid on-air personality, surpassing Sally Wiggin.

"Mr. Little brings exactly the right temperament to Pittsburgh's official winter weather station!" Longo explained in an email. "Our viewers overwhelmingly want solid reporting of severe weather, and they also want panic! Mr. Little is synonymous with unnecessary, overblown alarm, and we have every reason to think he'll bring that kind of excitement to our winter newscasts!"

Little reportedly insisted that his paramour, Henny Penny, 26, be named a reporter for the station. Penny created controversy last week when she told this news source that the she refuses to do outdoor reporting in inclement weather. "They can get the crows from Dumbo for that," she said. Some interpreted Penny's remarks as having racial overtones.

KDKA-TV is looking to match WTAE's bold move in hiring Little, and is reportedly in discussions with The Boy Who Cried Wolf to serve as its chief meteorologist.

DOWNTOWN OYSTER HOUSE FORCED TO DEPLOY RIOT POLICE AND TEAR GAS TO CONTROL RAMPAGING CATHOLICS ON FRIDAYS DURING LENT

Gov. Rendell warns Western Pennsylvania: 'The Negro is Coming!'

PITTSBURGH - Governor Ed Rendell worked Western Pennsylvania into a state of panic yesterday when he climbed atop a fire truck in Market Square, grabbed a megaphone, and announced that Barack Obama will make a campaign stop here next week.

"Lock your doors, hide all the white women," Rendell shouted. "The negro is coming! The negro is coming! I repeat, this is not a drill. This is not a drill."

Rendell, a Clinton supporter, has been accused by some of fomenting racial division by suggesting that Pennsylvania may not be ready to vote for an African-American candidate.

"I never said Pennsylvanians shouldn't vote for Obama," Rendell said. "I merely recited the statistics for the crime of rape by black males in this country. Just saying."

BUSH ENDORSEMENT: 'THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN QUALIFIED TO LEAD AMERICA OVER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS'

OBAMA URGES SUPPORTERS NOT TO ABANDON THE 'UNFINISHED WORK' THEY HAVE 'THUS FAR SO NOBLY ADVANCED'

"It is rather for us to be here," the Illinois Senator said, "dedicated to the great task remaining before us."

McCAIN RESTS UP IN 'BYE' WEEK, READY TO DO BATTLE WITH DEMS' PLAYOFF WINNER

U.S. SUPREME COURT FINDS IN FAVOR OF RABBIT; LANDMARK DECISION ABOLISHES DECADES OLD BELIEF THAT TRIX ARE FOR KIDS

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The nation’s highest court yesterday reversed decades of discrimination against non-humans seeking to enjoy a popular sugar-coated breakfast cereal when it found in favor of the Rabbit in his suit against General Mills.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts held that General Mills violated the equal protection clause of the United States Constitution by restricting consumption of Trix, a fruit-flavored breakfast cereal, to anyone identified as kids. “The use of the term 'kids' is unusually broad, and implies exclusivity,” wrote Roberts. “Furthermore, it imposes unnecessary burdens and unreasonable barriers before any other living creature wishing to exercise their right to choose a suitable meal for breakfast. As such, it must be abolished.”

Despite ruling in his favor, the Chief Justice admonished the Rabbit for resorting to trickery in his efforts to obtain Trix. “We cannot condone the numerous attempts by the Rabbit to pass himself off as a human being by employing a variety of disguises designed to deceive. We caution the Rabbit, and other woodland creatures, the proper way to seek redress for grievances is through the Courts.” Famed civil rights lawyer William Kunstler, counsel for the Rabbit, said his client was relieved the matter was finally closed. “It was never about the cereal with him. It was always about the principle.”

HILLARY SUPPORTERS CELEBRATE WIN IN OHIO

JESSE JACKSON WORRIED THAT OBAMA IS DISPLACING HIM AS HEAD BLACK

HOUSTON - Jesse Jackson has confided in friends that he hopes Barack Obama loses the Democratic nomination to Hillary Clinton because he fears Obama is displacing him as head black.

To heal the rift, Sen. Obama reportedly is reaching out to Rev. Jackson and has promised that if elected, he will put Jackson in charge of accepting all apologies from racists, a job Jackson has performed informally for several years. A well-placed source in the Obama campaign said that Obama plans to create a cabinet level position for Jackson called Secretary of Racial Apologies. Jackson reportedly is eager to discuss the position with Obama and has sent him a note inviting him to dinner next week in "Hymie Town."

KDKA-TV UNDER FIRE FOR USING STOCK FOOTAGE OF JOHNSTOWN FLOOD AND CLAIMING IT WAS LIVE SHOT OF MON WHARF

STEELERS ANNOUNCE NEW $102 MILLION CONTRACT FOR BIG BEN, CONCESSION STAND PRICES

ROONEY SAYS FANS WILL GET USED TO THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR NACHOS, FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR BEERS

COUNTDOWN: FIRST DRAFTS OF FAMOUS MOVIE LINES

10. “Go ahead, make my bed.”

9. “I’m gonna make him an offer that’ll get the negotiations started.”

8. “Luke, I am your former next-door neighbor, Irving Mendelbaum.”

7. “I’m mad as hell, and I just might do something about it.”

6. “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful homosexual relationship.”

5. “You want the truth? Okay, I’ll give it you.”

4. “I’ll be back — right after I go to the post office and pick up my dry cleaning.”

3. “Frankly, my dear, that’s just what I was thinking.”

2. “To hell with the bigger boat. Take me back to shore.”

1. “Rosebud, my beloved childhood sled!”

JENNIFER LOPEZ REVEALS NAMES OF HER TWINS; NEXT WEEK, SHE'LL REVEAL NAMES OF HER NEW BABIES

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS -- OUR LATEST SPOT ON THE DVE MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

MR. ROONEY ENTERS 17th HOUR IN COMA FOLLOWING BIG BEN'S $102 MILLION CONTRACT EXTENSION

Steeler chief's face frozen in disbelief since Monday morning press conference

HELLS ANGELS WHO TRIED TO KILL MICK JAGGER IN 1969 ARE CHIEF SUSPECTS IN PLOT TO KILL STEELY McBEAM

POLICE: VICIOUS GANG DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY STEELER MASCOT DANCES

CLINTON SUPPORTERS SAY SHE'S JUST GETTING WARMED UP


STEELY MCBEAM ADMITTED TO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL; MUCH-MALIGNED MASCOT BATTLING DEPRESSION


PITTSBURGH - Only hours after signing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to a multi-year contract, the Pittsburgh Steelers announced that mascot Steely McBeam has checked himself into a psychiatric hospital to deal with “personal issues.” The much-maligned McBeam, who was forced to enter the Federal Mascot Protection Program after fans became incensed by his presence at Heinz Field, is reportedly enduring a grueling series of electro-shock therapy sessions in a desperate attempt to return in time for the Steelers first home exhibition game in August.

A Steelers official would not elaborate on the nature of those personal issues, but it is rumored that Mr. McBeam is battling depression. Late yesterday, a spokesman for the McBeam family issued a statement expressing gratitude for the numerous gestures of sympathy and support they have received from professional sports mascots around the world, and asking for privacy while Mr. McBeam gets the help he needs. Mr. McBeam has kept a low public profile since the conclusion of football season, only making an occasional appearance as a celebrity panelist on the Friday evening edition of WQED’s “On Q.” He was spotted several times last week by morning rush-hour commuters walking along Smithfield Street clad only in a terry-cloth robe and slippers.

Reaction to news of McBeam’s illness was mixed. Dave Corbett, of O’Hara, said he hoped Mr. McBeam gets well soon, “so I have the opportunity to make fun of him again.”

RICIN CALLED WORST TOXIN FOUND IN LAS VEGAS SINCE CARROT TOP APPEARED AT THE LUXOR

REPAIR CREWS DISCOVER CAUSE OF BIRMINGHAM BRIDGE TROUBLE

Troll found living on damaged rocker bearing denies responsibility, claims to be Yarone Zober's long-lost brother

DIRTY PRINCE HARRY SENT HOME

LONDON - Britain's Prince Harry was removed from combat in Afghanistan after tabloids leaked his presence in the war zone.

Taliban fighters reportedly are "feeling lucky" following the prince's departure. Harry had developed a reputation as a cold blooded killer who would engage in "manly banter" with insurgents before doing them in with his .44 magnum, "the largest handgun in Afghanistan."

A palace spokesman denied that the royal army's failure to provide adequate sunblock to the pale, pink-eyed prince contributed to his being sent home.

'OBAMANIA' STRIKES CLINTON: HILLARY SPONTANEOUSLY ENDORSES OBAMA AFTER SEEING ONE OF HIS RALLIES ON TV

"I love you, Barack!" she involuntarily gushes and swoons at the TV

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMEN BEN BERNAKE STRONGLY SIGNALS TO WAITRESS THAT HE'S READY FOR THE CHECK.

BELOVED PLANTERS ICON MR. PEANUT SUCCUMBS TO PEANUT ALLERGY

Coroner Thomas Noguchi said "one would have to be Shakespeare to describe the tragic irony involved here."

VICTORIA'S SECRET SAYS IT'S SELLING TOO MUCH SEX

CATHOLIC CHURCH SAYS IT PEDDLING TOO MUCH RELIGION

JIM O’BRIEN’S NEW BOOK ON MYRON COPE AVAILABLE TODAY; “LARYNX OF STEEL” LATEST OFFERING FROM PRODIGIOUS PITTSBURGH AUTHOR

PITTSBURGH - Noted local author Jim O’Brien announced that his latest work, a nine-hundred page book covering the life of legendary broadcaster Myron Cope entitled “Larynx of Steel,” would be available at fine booksellers everywhere beginning today. Mr. O’Brien, who called the book a labor of love, said he began writing minutes after learning that Cope had passed away last Wednesday morning.

“I probably didn’t stop writing for thirty straight hours.” Mr. O’Brien said he hoped readers would indulge the occasional typographical error. “In light of the need to rush this book into the marketplace, I trust folks will understand I didn’t have time for my usual scrupulous, careful editing.”

An initial run of five hundred copies has been printed. The author apologized for the paltry amount. “That’s all I could fit in the trunk of my car.” Mr. O’Brien took time away from several other projects to finish “Larynx of Steel.” He is currently editing the diaries of former WIIC and KDKA anchorman Ray Tannehill for publication next month, while simultaneously writing a one man play based on the life of former WTAE meteorologist Joe Denardo entitled "DeNardo: Weather Man of Steel." Negotiations with actor Tom Atkins to play the role in a Public Theater Production later this spring are underway. O’Brien said his use of the word "steel" in every title is by design. “There’s a certain toughness to steel that’s identified with this region. It’s impenetrable. It’s impossible to get through. Not unlike my prose,” he chuckled.
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