BUSH WANTS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT TO TAKE KOREAN DESPOT TO LUNCH AND "SERVE HIM SOME OF YOUR RADIOACTIVE TEA"
BUSH ASKS PUTIN TO "DEAL WITH" KIM JONG-IL OVER NUCLEAR STANDOFF
BUSH WANTS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT TO TAKE KOREAN DESPOT TO LUNCH AND "SERVE HIM SOME OF YOUR RADIOACTIVE TEA"
Litvinenko died of same radiation dosage that unleashed Godzilla
AUTHORITIES WATCHING RUSSIAN'S BODY CLOSELY; WORLD'S ARMED FORCES ON HIGH ALERT
Pittsburgh Symphony calls fireworks night inside Heinz Hall "a disaster"
PSO WILL CONTINUE THE "HOT DOG SHOOT" AND PIEROGI RACES AT ALL CONCERTS AFTER FIRE DAMAGE TO HALL IS REPAIRED
EX-KGB AGENT SAID PUTIN POISONED HIM BY ENGINEERING "THE OLD SWITCHEROO"
BEFORE HIS DEATH, ALEXANDER LITVINENKO CLAIMED HIS DINNER COMPANION DISTRACTED HIM, THEN SWITCHED DRINKS
MAYOR OF BAGHDAD ASKS LOCAL MILITIAS TO SUSPEND KIDNAPPINGS, BOMBINGS DURING HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
Analysts say explosions, mass killings may have an effect on Iraqi consumer confidence
THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MARCH ON NFL OFFICE DEMANDING LEAGUE REMOVE DETROIT LIONS FROM THANKSGIVING DAY SCHEDULE
Fans ask: "How are we supposed to eat after watching them play?"
FUMING SEINFELD PLANS TO DIGITALLY MANIPULATE OLD SHOW TO REPLACE MICHAEL RICHARDS WITH JIM CARREY
HOLLYWOOD - Jerry Seinfeld, fuming over Michael Richards' racial tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, has ordered every episode of his classic television show Seinfeld digitally manipulated to replace Richards with comic actor Jim Carrey. "Jim was gracious enough to step in at this unfortunate moment, and the sooner we excise the cancer from the show, the better," Seinfeld told Variety last night. He said that the first shows to be digitally manipulated will be from season four, widely regarded as the series' best. Seinfeld said Carrey will not be doing an impersonation of Richards, but "will inject his own brand of comic genius" into the show. He urged his fans who previously bought the show on DVD to "destroy" their copies and to replace them with the manipulated episodes as they become available.
CIGAR-CHOMPING ROONEY STATUE TO BE MOVED TO FEDERAL STREET BAR TO COMPLY WITH NEW ANTI-SMOKING LAW
PITTSBURGH - When Allegheny County's smoking ban goes into effect, smokers desiring to continue their habit will need to find a bar that has fewer than ten employees and food sales accounting for less than ten percent of its revenue. Accordingly, the Steelers have made arrangements to move the cigar-chomping statue of Steelers' founder Art Rooney to the second stool to the right of the illegal video poker machine at Bradley's Roadhouse Tavern on Federal Street.
CYRIL WECHT HASN'T BEEN PAID BY ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOR SON'S AUTOPSY, OR BY PLANET XENON FOR ALIEN AUTOPSIES
PITTSBURGH - Dr. Cyril Wecht said he hasn't been paid by Anna Nicole Smith for the autopsy he performed on her son. Nor has he been paid for hundreds of alien autopsies he performed for Planet Xenon, the sixth planet in a dual-star solar system approximately 110 light years from earth. Wecht said he is discussing the Smith invoices with her attorneys, and expects that matter to be resolved. In addition, Wecht said, he is having direct discussions with TriFlugor-Rydny, Imperial Ruler of Planet Xenon, regarding his invoice for the alien autopsies and is optimistic that an amicable resolution will be reached.
Alan Greenspan Sues Former Controller Tom Flaherty
PITTSBURGH - Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has sued former City Controller Tom Flaherty to prevent him from legally changing his name to “Alan Greenspan.” Flaherty filed the name change petition last week. The lawsuit, filed November 17 in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas, alleges that Flaherty’s name change is for the "sole purpose of taking advantage of Greenspan's notoriety in an attempt to regain credibility as a fiscal watchdog."
Greenspan’s lawsuit also alleges that Flaherty (pictured above) has recently undergone reconstructive surgery to attempt to take on the former Federal Reserve Chairman’s appearance. Flaherty, speaking to reporters this afternoon, denied that he had recently undergone plastic surgery, and referred all further inquiries to his attorney, David Armstrong.
IRAN STATE TELEVISION TO REBROADCAST CLASSIC 1977 FAMILY FEUD EPISODE PITTING THE PAHLAVIS AGAINST THE KHOMEINIS
Viewers excited about opportunity to see Richard Dawson kiss the Ayatollah
LOCAL BUSINESSMAN STARTS SERVICE TO COMPETE WITH DOCUMENT DESTRUCTION COMPANIES
NOAH SWAYNE WARRANTS THAT IF DOCUMENTS ARE GIVEN TO HIM, THEY'LL DISAPPEAR FOREVER -- BECAUSE HE'LL LOSE THEMPITTSBURGH - Document destruction has become big business as companies become ever more sensitive to the need to protect clients' confidential information.
But local businessman Noah Swayne says that document destruction companies don't cut it. "Anybody can shred documents," Swayne said. "The problem is, the paper still exists, albeit in shredded form."
Swayne is touting a foolproof service for a fraction of what the big companies charge: "If you really want a document to disappear forever, just give it to me. I warrant that no one will ever see it again," Swayne said. Swayne's secretary, Velveeta Lugosi-Ravenstahl, concurs: Swayne will lose any document given to him within three minutes of its receipt. "Just put something on his desk and it's gone."
Ms. Lugosi-Ravenstahl requests that any orders for this service be sent to her attention "because if they're sent to [Swayne], he'll just lose them."
BAGHDAD CITY COUNCIL PASSES BILL ALLOWING FREE DOWNTOWN PARKING AFTER FOUR O'CLOCK ON WEEKDAYS
Chamber of Commerce, merchants hail move as "a first step" towards revitalizing Baghdad commercial district
PITT VAULTS TO #2 IN BCS STANDINGS; INTRODUCES FORMER SHERIFF PETE DEFAZIO AS NEW ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
PITTSBURGH -- Southern California’s hopes for a shot at the national championship took a blow with the newest BCS standings released yesterday, courtesy of the Pitt Panthers. Despite a 45-27 loss to West Virginia on Thursday night and a losing 5-6 record, the Panthers vaulted to second place in the Bowl Championship Series standings released Sunday. A win this weekend against Louisville would cement their position for the national title game against Ohio State in the Rose Bowl on January 1. The Panthers’ #2 ranking comes just days after the appointment of former Allegheny County Sheriff Pete DeFazio as athletic director. Despite his lack of athletic department experience, DeFazio was recently hired for the Pitt post by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg, who cited DeFazio’s demonstrated ability to "form relationships" as the main factor in DeFazio’s hiring. In reacting to the news, AD Pete DeFazio said, "I think that the information packet I sent out to the pollsters was very helpful in raising their awareness of our program.”
BUSH PREPARED FOR VISIT TO VIETNAM WITH REPEATED VIEWINGS OF RAMBO, MISSING IN ACTION
White House sources say President may appoint Stallone, Norris to Iraq Study Group
EMMITT SMITH CLAIMS THAT BORAT PRODUCERS PROMISED THAT DANCE PERFORMANCES WOULD ONLY BE SEEN IN BELARUS
"NEVER DID I DREAM THAT I WOULD SHOW UP ON 'DANCING WITH THE STARS,'" SAID THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION
ATTORNEY JACKIE CHILES TO DEFEND MICHAEL RICHARDS IN ACTIONS STEMMING FROM RACIAL SLURS AT COMEDY CLUB
CALLS CRITICISMS OF RICHARDS DEPLORABLE, UNFATHOMABLE AND IMPROBABLE
DAVID ONORATO UNVEILS PARKING AUTHORITY'S LATEST CAPITAL EXPENDITURE: A SPACE STATION CAPABLE OF ANNIHILATING A PLANET
COST OVERRUNS TO "DEATH STAR" PREVENT PARKING AUTHORITY FROM PASSING ON PARKING TAX DECREASE TO COMMUTERS, SAYS ONORATO
NUTTING FAMILY COMPLIES WITH MLB RULES, GIVES UP GAMING LICENSE AT SEVEN SPRINGS IN ORDER TO KEEP PIRATES
G. OGDEN NUTTING: "The Nuttings will refrain from entering into a business where gullible people mindlessly shell out their hard-earned money in a futile attempt to win, in order that we may retain a business where gullible people mindlessly shell out their hard-earned money in a futile attempt to win."
PITTSBURGH ZOO SIGNS 600 POUND, RIGHT-HANDED POLAR BEAR TO THREE-YEAR DEAL
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Zoo signed a 600 pound, right-handed polar bear to a three year contact today. With incentives, the deal could be worth $12 million. Barbara Baker, managing partner of the Zoo, said that it the deal is "important to show our patrons that this organization is committed to winning and to bringing quality animals to the City of Pittsburgh."To make room for the new polar bear, Ms. Baker said the zoo released a veteran lion into Pittsburgh's Highland Park neighborhood.
FIRST FEMALE SPEAKER SEEKS TO REARRANGE FURNITURE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, REPUBLICANS VOW TO FIGHT
WASHINGTON, D.C. -Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that her first order of business as the new speaker would be to rearrange the furniture in the House of Representatives. Congresswoman Pelosi also said she intends to replace the drapes and put a fresh coat of paint on the walls within the first one hundred days of her term. "The American people have spoken, and they want a change," she said. "And that begins by changing the deplorable way the desks and chairs are placed in this chamber."
Speaking to moderator Tim Russert on the NBC television program Meet the Press, Pelosi said she would appoint a bipartisan commission to study contemporary interior design. "We are committed to moving forward." She promised Republicans would have a voice in choosing paint "that both sides could live with." She said the current look of the chamber was an impediment to progress. "If we want to brighten the legislation that passes through this House, then we've got to brighten the color scheme on these walls. It just doesn't do anything for me." Representative Pelosi said she hoped both parties could work together after Congress returns from the Thanksgiving recess to begin moving desks and chairs "to see what looks good together."
Former Speaker of the House, Representative Dennis Hastert of Illinois , was pessimistic anything could get done before new members arrive in January. "First of all," he said, "there isn't enough time." Hastert said he didn't think it would be fair to incoming legislators to bind them to seating arrangements made by lame-duck members of Congress. "Anyway," he asked, "how do we know she won't want to rearrange the whole thing all over again after we're done?"
OFFICIALS BLAME HUMAN ERROR FOR TRAGIC MAULING, POLAR BEARS SENT TO PETTING ZOO BY MISTAKE
PITTSBURGH - Six people were mauled by two polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium this weekend after workers mistakenly placed them in the petting zoo. The bears devoured all of the fawn, lamb and rabbits in the petting zoo in full view of a horrified crowd before chewing off the arm of a Boy Scout leader who attempted to subdue them with a rope. In the ensuing panic, five other people were attacked. A full battalion of Pittsburgh Police finally restored order by immobilizing the polar bears with night sticks, stun guns, and tranquilizers. Pittsburgh Zoo President Dr. Barbara Baker offered an apology, as well as a full refund to anyone traumatized by, or mauled in the attack. "We are taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again," she said. Dr. Baker explained that employees responsible for placing the bears in the appropriate outdoor exhibit were unaware that polar bears could pose a threat to human beings. "The individuals told me they had seen polar bears on television, in commercials, drinking Coca-Cola and behaving in a jolly, playful way." Dr. Baker said the employees, acting on their own, placed the bears in the petting zoo. "They thought the cute, cuddly, soda-pop loving bears - their words, not mine - would be a natural hit with crowds, especially children." Events of this past weekend have disabused them of that notion. "I have told them repeatedly not everything you see on television is accurate, especially as it relates to dangerous, predatory beasts," she said, with exasperation. "Now, maybe they'll start listening to me."
RICHARD SIMMONS PLEDGES $29.5 MILLION TO PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY
WILL LEAD CONCERTGOERS IN AEROBIC WORKOUTS WHILE ORCHESTRA PLAYS
CENTRAL CATHOLIC REPORTS LEAP IN TRANSFERS FROM OUT OF STATE STUDENTS
PITTSBURGH - Central Catholic High School has reported a 57% increase in enrollment from out of state students during the five year period from 2001-2006. “We’re not sure what’s driving this trend,” said Brother Richard Grzeskiewicz. Grzeskiewicz speculated that parents of young men are attracted to the 79-year old institution’s reputation for combining religious education with discipline and academics. “Our academic reputation certainly transcends Pennsylvania ’s borders” reported Grzeskiewicz.
An apparently unrelated trend is that virtually all of the transfers have decided to participate on Central’s perennial powerhouse football team. Central football coach Terry Totten observed that Central has been very fortunate that the transfers have inexplicably decided to select football as their extracurricular activity. Totten said, “we pray every year that some of these transfers want to play football, because without divine assistance, we wouldn’t have a chance against the public schools.”
Central was defeated by Penn Hills in Friday's WPIAL semifinal. Said North Carolina transfer Junior Tino Sunseri (pictured above), who moved in with his uncle to attend Central because of its foreign language program, “I just hope I get my Calculus done before kickoff, or else I won’t be permitted to suit up.”
Central was defeated by Penn Hills in Friday's WPIAL semifinal. Said North Carolina transfer Junior Tino Sunseri (pictured above), who moved in with his uncle to attend Central because of its foreign language program, “I just hope I get my Calculus done before kickoff, or else I won’t be permitted to suit up.”
COWHER ADMITS HE "DOESN'T FEEL ALIVE" UNLESS HE'S DIGGING TEAM OUT OF A DEEP HOLE
SINCE SUPER BOWL WIN, COACH PURPOSEFULLY LETS TEAM FOUNDER SO HE CAN RESURRECT IT; OTHERWISE, COACHING "WOULD BORE ME"CLEVELAND - Following the Steelers' 24-20 victory over the Browns this afternoon, Bill Cowher held the most candid press conference of his tenure as Steelers' head coach. Cowher admitted that ever since the Steelers' Super Bowl victory last February, coaching "isn't any fun anymore" unless he's living on the edge, playing to dig the team out of a deep hole. "Only when defeat is practically certain do I feel alive out there," the coach confessed.
Cowher admitted that he engineers the games to put the Steelers on the brink of defeat. "For example, I told Ben to take it easy in the first half [of today's victory over the Browns], and at some point in the second half I told him to pour it on," he said. That's exactly what Roethlisberger did. He played miserably in the first half, but then, in the fourth quarter alone he threw for 224 yards. The Steelers trailed the entire game until only 32 seconds remained in the fourth quarter when they finally took the lead on a Roethlisberger-to-Parker touchdown shovel.
"Today's game was fun," Cowher gushed.
Cowher also admitted that he probably "threw" at least four of the Steelers' losses this season just to put the team in an almost insurmountable hole. He acknowledged that his confession would come as a shock to many fans. "I thought it was only fair to the fans that they know the truth," he said. "I'm sure they understand that if I didn't do it this way, the whole thing would be a complete bore for me, and I know they wouldn't want that."
SIMMONS PLEDGES $29.5 MILLION TO PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY ON CONDITION THAT HE CONDUCTS
PITTSBURGH - Former Allegheny Ludlum steel chairman Richard P. Simmons announced a $29.5 million pledge to the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra today, one of the largest gifts ever pledged to a symphony orchestra. But the gift is conditioned on Simmons conducting three weekend series of concerts with the symphony per year. Simmons said he has no musical training and cannot read music.At a press conference this morning, Lawrence J. Tamburri, President and CEO of the PSO, immediately accepted the terms of Simmons' offer. He also openly embraced the idea of having captains of industry conduct the PSO in exchange for significant contributions. "So what if Mr. Simmons can't read music?" a defensive Tamburri challenged a reporter. "People will flock to see such a spectacle in the same way a car wreck draws onlookers." Tamburri flashed a crooked smile.
He said that such gimmickry likely will engender further creative efforts by PSO management to enhance revenue and manufacture interest in the orchestra's sometimes moribund programs. Future concerts could be led by other well-known businessmen who also know nothing about music but may be inclined to donate to the PSO, said Tamburri, including Donald Trump, George Steinbrenner and Hugh Hefner. "It is unfortunate that fast food chicken chain founder Colonel Harland Sanders is no longer with us," Tamburri opined. "One can only imagine the buzz that would have been created if he had led a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony."
Tamburri's mind was racing. "Why stop at this?" he asked rhetorically. "The PSO members could switch instruments for a concert. Imagine the excitement as the violinists play trumpets and French horns for the first time," he said. "More interesting, 50 lucky concertgoers could be plucked from the audience, furnished instruments, and asked to perform Mahler or Brahms. That would sell out Heinz Hall for sure."
"In any event, by including in the PSO's program an artist of Mr. Simmons' caliber," Tamburri said, "the PSO's management is proud to say that it is upholding the legacy of Reiner, Steinberg, Previn and Maazel."
"BACKYARD BRA" A BUST FOR PITT; PANTHERS PERFORMANCE SAGS IN SECOND HALF, THEY PLAY LIKE BOOBS
MOST DISAPPOINTING PITT TEAM OF ANY IN RECENT MAMMARY
JEB BUSH COMPLAINS ABOUT PITTSBURGH FOOD FROM T-STATION CLOSET WHERE HE'S STILL HIDING
PITTSBURGH - Florida Governor Jeb Bush is still holed up in a closet of the Wood Street T-Station downtown, where he's been since October 6. Bush was in town that night to attend a Duquesne Club fund-raiser for Sen. Rick Santorum when he was pursued by a large mob of angry anti-Republican protesters on Sixth Avenue. The Governor retreated to the subway station where Port Authority police ushered him into a supply closet for his safety.Since then, Bush has refused to come out for fear that the rabid liberal mob will do him harm. Food is delivered to him by the Republican State Committee three times a day, and his sole recreation is to listen to a radio.
Yesterday, Bush granted his first interview through the door of the closet since he went into hiding, and he used the occasion to complain about Pittburgh food. "It stinks," said the Governor in a surly tone. "They gave me this weird sandwich from some place called Primanti's, and I had to quit eating it because it was such a mess," the Governor said. "There's not enough napkins in the world to clean up after that mess."
Bush said that Pittsburgh radio is "terrible," aside from WDVE's Morning Show, especially Fridays when The Carbolic Smoke Ball's Weekly Round-Up is aired. "Those Carbolic guys are truly geniuses," the Governor said. "It's worth being imprisoned in Pittsburgh just to hear them."
MARTHA STEWART PROVIDES HELPFUL TIPS TO MOUNTAINEER FANS PLANNING POST-GAME RIOT
MORGANTOWN - Martha Stewart broadcast her popular television show, "Martha Stewart Living," live from the campus of West Virginia University Thursday evening. The University was selected by Ms. Stewart because it has a long history of "spontaneous, violent eruptions." The show aired immediately following the conclusion of the football game between West Virginia and the University of Pittsburgh. Ms. Stewart said she looked forward to showing rowdy Mountaineer fans the best way to burn furniture. Guests included WVU President David C. Hardesty, Jr., who shared his favorite recipe for squirrel stew, and United States Senator Robert Byrd, who led a drunken mob in a ceremonial tipping of the first car. The Senator declined offers to join the mob in flipping a school bus. "Maybe ten years ago, gang," he hollered. "But not tonight."
Speaking to reporters before the show, Ms. Stewart beamed. "There is no better way to celebrate a new promotion, an anniversary, or a football victory than by dousing a favorite couch or chair in kerosene and setting it aflame," she said. "However, it's important to remember when choosing the furniture you're going to burn that some fabrics are more flammable than others." When asked to choose her preferred furniture for burning, she responded without hesitation. "Anything from Value City makes a delightful fireball against the night sky," she said, before adding her catch-phrase, "and that's a good thing."
Ms. Stewart said she hoped the information provided by her show would allow Mountaineer fans to have a more enjoyable post-victory riot. "And for additional tips," she added, "including the best way to make a Molotov cocktail, visit my web-site."
WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PHOTO FROM RUMSFELD'S RETIREMENT PARTY
OUTGOING SECRETARY OF DEFENSE LEAVES THE WAR, TAKES THE CANNOLI
HANDS-TRANSPLANT PATIENT MEETS, SLAPS FACE OF FACE-TRANSPLANT PATIENT
WASHINGTON - Tina Sambonia, the world's first hands-transplant patient, met Roberto Luis Montoya, the world's first face-transplant patient, at last night's annual National Institutes of Health fundraiser."We thought it would be a real hoot to have them meet, you know, from a scientific perspective," said Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, who performed both transplant surgeries.
But the meeting did not go as planned. Unbeknownst to Dr. Roadhouse, the transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated the face for the face transplant. That marriage ended unhappily because of the man's indiscretions. When the two transplant patients met last night, the hands-transplant patient involuntarily began slapping the face of the face-transplant patient. Security guards quickly separated the two as the fundraiser's guests watched in stunned silence.
"Through my work with the World Health Organization, I've encountered similar phenomena in Haiti," Dr. Roadhouse explained. "To the uninitiated, it can be a little off-putting." Dr. Roadhouse said that as a result of the incident, Mr. Montoya will require additional surgery. "Tina knocked his nose down to his Adam's apple," he chuckled. "I think it's fair to say there hasn't been this much slapping in Washington since the Clintons occupied the White House."
TOYS FOR TOTS AGREES TO ACCEPT DONATION OF 4,000 O.J. SIMPSON DOLLS
PULL THE STRING AND THE DOLL SAYS: "I WOULD BE A REAL CREEPY DOLL -- IF I HAD MURDERED MY WIFE."
Economists divided as to what caused Milton Friedman's body to crash . . .
SOME BLAME MASSIVE CONTRACTION OF MONEY SUPPLY; OTHERS SAY LACK OF INVESTMENT
CAPED BOY CRIMEFIGHTER WRESTLES CITY-ISSUED IMPALA FROM SUSPENDED OPERATIONS DIRECTOR
PITTSBURGH - A mysterious young superhero in a flamboyant yellow, red and blue costume darted from the sky Wednesday morning to intercept a city-issued Chevy Impala being driven by suspended city operations director Dennis J. Regan as it was pulling into Regan's driveway on Reynolds Street. The flying boy ripped open the driver's door and forcibly removed Regan, then he lifted the car into the air with one hand and flew it to a city parking lot in the strip district. "Suspended city employees have no right to be driving city-issued Impalas," the boy yelled to a stunned Regan. Shocked onlookers applauded and Regan ran into his house.Earlier in the day, the same costumed superhero hung Christmas ornaments on the highest branches of the giant Christmas tree in front of the City-County building. Later, he was seen comforting a sick falcon perched outside the 38th floor of the Gulf Tower.
"We don't know who he is behind that tight, sexy costume," said City Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle, "but we know we need him."
Council President Doug Shields was less awed by the mysterious wonder boy. "Isn't funny how we never see Superboy in the same place as Mayor Ravenstahl?" he asked suspiciously.
MOE GREENE FILES LAST-MINUTE BID FOR PITTSBURGH CASINO LICENSE
PROSPECTS HURT BY PENDING BATTERY CHARGES ARISING FROM INCIDENT WHERE HE SLAPPED FREDO CORLEONE AROUND IN PUBLIC FOR BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES TWO AT A TIME
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