POPE APOLOGIZES TO MUSLIMS ON LETTERMAN SHOW
NEW YORK - Two months after Pope Benedict XVI touched off fury across the Islamic world with remarks linking violence and Prophet Muhammad, he appeared on the David Letterman Show via satellite during his flight from Rome to Ankara last night to apologize to the Muslims. "For me to be at a symposium and say this stuff, I'm deeply, deeply sorry," said the Pope. "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this," he added, his tone becoming frustrated as he defended himself.Jerry Seinfeld arranged for the Pope to appear on the program.
SKRINJAR MEETS WITH REPORTERS, OFFERS UPBEAT ASSESSMENT OF STEELERS POST-SEASON CHANCES
PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar met with reporters today and provided an optimistic report on the state of the Steelers post-season chances. "Nothing I've seen so far has given me any reason to doubt they'll repeat as Super Bowl Champions," said Skrinjar. "I would advise anyone within the sound of my voice to begin making reservations for Miami right now." Miami is the host city for Super Bowl Forty-One. When a reporter asked if he had any idea how Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was feeling this morning, hours after being sacked nine times by the Baltimore Ravens, Skrinjar nodded. "Ben is doing great," he said. "He's entirely bruise and pain-free." Skrinjar added that Roethlisberger was looking forward to resuming all of the normal activities that a quarterback performs. Asked how soon he thought that might occur, Skrinjar said initially he thought it would be a matter of days. He quickly upgraded that to hours. Then, he said, "we're looking at a matter of seconds."
Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he appreciated the support of Mr. Skrinjar. "Dick's always been a glass is half-full type of guy," said Cowher. "Even when anyone can plainly see the glass is empty."
Skrinjar refused to speculate on whether or not the latest Steelers loss eliminated them from possibly winning the AFC North Division . "Loss?" he asked. "What are you talking about?" He then began a series of phone calls to city officials inquiring about the status of plans for the Steelers Victory Parade following a triumphant defense of their title. "We're looking at the Wednesday after they get back from Miami ," he said.
JOEY PORTER NAMED NFL DEFENSIVE TRASH-TALKER OF THE WEEK
NEW YORK - The Associated Press Football Writers of America have named Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter NFL Defensive Trash-Talker of the Week for his on-field remarks made during Sunday's Steelers loss to the Baltimore Ravens. Porter was credited for five bon mots, six stinging ripostes, eight acerbic asides, and twelve devastating put-downs, ten of which were unassisted. Porter is a three time winner of the NFL's Oscar Wilde Award, given annually to the player who most embodies the rapier wit of the famed playwright. Finalists for this years award will be announced during Super Bowl week.
INDUSTRY CONSENSUS: MICHAEL RICHARDS WASHED UP, WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER TV SHOW OR FILM
. . . AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE COMEDY CLUB OUTBURST
ROETHLISBERGER ACCEPTS BLAME, SAVAGE BEATING IN RAVENS LOSS
BALTIMORE - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger once again displayed his extraordinary character by accepting full responsibility for the Steelers' loss yesterday to the Baltimore Ravens. Roethlisberger also accepted the savage beating administered to him by numerous members of the Baltimore Ravens. "They did a great job," said Roethlisberger. "They nearly killed me." Big Ben was unsparing in his assessment of his own performance. "Don't blame anyone but me for this one," he said, reading from a prepared text on his wrist-band. "I've got to get the job done out there." The young quarterback refused to point any fingers. Instead, he deflected all criticism away from his teammates and directed it to himself. "I don't care if ten guys are tearing me limb from limb, if I'm on my back with six pairs of spikes stomping on my throat, I've got to find a way to get the ball into the end zone."
Roethlisberger's comments were nearly identical to those he made following Steelers' losses to Jacksonville, Cincinnati, Atlanta, Oakland, Denver, and San Diego. When asked if his expression of remorse was a calculated way to craft a public image of maturity and leadership created by his agent, Roethlisberger nodded. "If you're not buying this, or if you're having a hard time believing my sincerity, that's my fault," he said. "I've got to be more credible." Roethlisberger apologized for what he said was a sub-par reading of his scripted remarks. "I'm going to keep working every day," he vowed, "and the next time I come out here to take responsibility for a loss, I'm going to be better."
HUNTING SEASON BEGINS
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY'S STAFF, WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYEES ORDERED TO WEAR ONE-HUNDRED SQUARE INCHES OF FLUORESCENT ORANGE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
STEELERS LOSE BIG TO RAVENS, COWHER BLAMES LETHARGIC EFFORT ON TRYPTOPHAN, EXCESSIVE HOLIDAY SHOPPING
BALTIMORE - Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher blamed a large pre-game meal of Thanksgiving leftovers for his team's lethargic performance against the Baltimore Ravens Sunday. Speaking to reporters in his post-game press conference, Cowher accepted full responsibility for the loss. "I was the one who brought the turkey," he said. "You can put that one on me." Many nutritionists feel the large amount of tryptophan in turkey helps the human brain produce niacin, which creates serotonin, which causes feelings of drowsiness, which could result in a lack of focus, which can often lead to a disastrous football game. "There is a fine line in this business between how much turkey a team can consume before lining up against a divisional opponent," said Cowher. "Today, I believe we crossed that line."
Cowher also said he did not think his players prepared as diligently this week as they had in previous weeks. "There were a lot of distractions to deal with," he said. "I saw a lot of guys in meetings thumbing through the Target and Best Buy circulars when they should have been watching film." Cowher refused to single out any individual players, but he said reports that the entire offensive line spent eight hours waiting for doors to open at Circuit City for Play Station Three early Friday morning were accurate. "At least they hit somebody that day," he said.
Coming this week: The Carbolic Shirt
This week, the Web site touted by the New York Times as "the city's equivalent of The Onion" (this Web site) will bring you the official Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt, containing many of our landmark headlines. If you want to give someone a truly unique Pittsburgh Christmas gift -- trust me, look no further -- this is it. Stay tuned.
The nuns continue their good work among the poor
"Just remember to count your blessings because there is always someone worse off than you are. Well, in your case, that may not be true, but count your blessing nonetheless."
KDKA PROMOTIONS FOR MARTY GRIFFIN REPORTS LEAD TO RASH OF SUICIDES
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police have determined that KDKA promotions for reports by Marty Griffin have had led to "dozens, perhaps hundreds" of suicides similar to the one earlier this month that followed the station's promo accusing a local minister of "public and illegal sexual behavior." Police are compiling a complete list of suicides directly related to promos for Griffin stories and said it includes, among many others, Kurt Cobain, Jim Jones, Freddie Prinze, George Reeves and Joseph Goebbels. KDKA general manager Chris Pike said the station would have no comment about the suicides except to express condolences to the families of the deceased. Pike proceeded to justify the promos by explaining that KDKA had "conducted extensive investigations into reports of behavior by each [of the suicide victims] that would have yielded stories appealing to the prurient interests of the station's audience during crucial sweeps periods."
PRESIDENT'S ASIA TRIP: BUSH DEVISES SCHEME TO BE SENT HOME EARLY FROM VIETNAM: DONS DRESS AND PULLS A "CORPORAL KLINGER"
PRESIDENT WORE SAME OUTFIT TO AVOID DRAFT IN THE '60's
"STEAM TRAIN MAURY," GRAND PATRIARCH OF THE HOBOS, IS DEAD AT 89
COLLEGE OF HOBOS TO MEET IN CONCLAVE AT HOBO CITY IN ROME TO VOTE FOR SUCCESSOR. WHITE SMOKE MEANS A NEW PATRIARCH HAS BEEN SELECTED; BLACK SMOKE JUST MEANS THEY ARE COOKING AN OLD SHOE FOR DINNER.
BUSH ASKS PUTIN TO "DEAL WITH" KIM JONG-IL OVER NUCLEAR STANDOFF
BUSH WANTS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT TO TAKE KOREAN DESPOT TO LUNCH AND "SERVE HIM SOME OF YOUR RADIOACTIVE TEA"
Litvinenko died of same radiation dosage that unleashed Godzilla
AUTHORITIES WATCHING RUSSIAN'S BODY CLOSELY; WORLD'S ARMED FORCES ON HIGH ALERT
Pittsburgh Symphony calls fireworks night inside Heinz Hall "a disaster"
PSO WILL CONTINUE THE "HOT DOG SHOOT" AND PIEROGI RACES AT ALL CONCERTS AFTER FIRE DAMAGE TO HALL IS REPAIRED
EX-KGB AGENT SAID PUTIN POISONED HIM BY ENGINEERING "THE OLD SWITCHEROO"
BEFORE HIS DEATH, ALEXANDER LITVINENKO CLAIMED HIS DINNER COMPANION DISTRACTED HIM, THEN SWITCHED DRINKS
MAYOR OF BAGHDAD ASKS LOCAL MILITIAS TO SUSPEND KIDNAPPINGS, BOMBINGS DURING HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
Analysts say explosions, mass killings may have an effect on Iraqi consumer confidence
THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND MARCH ON NFL OFFICE DEMANDING LEAGUE REMOVE DETROIT LIONS FROM THANKSGIVING DAY SCHEDULE
Fans ask: "How are we supposed to eat after watching them play?"
FUMING SEINFELD PLANS TO DIGITALLY MANIPULATE OLD SHOW TO REPLACE MICHAEL RICHARDS WITH JIM CARREY
HOLLYWOOD - Jerry Seinfeld, fuming over Michael Richards' racial tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club, has ordered every episode of his classic television show Seinfeld digitally manipulated to replace Richards with comic actor Jim Carrey. "Jim was gracious enough to step in at this unfortunate moment, and the sooner we excise the cancer from the show, the better," Seinfeld told Variety last night. He said that the first shows to be digitally manipulated will be from season four, widely regarded as the series' best. Seinfeld said Carrey will not be doing an impersonation of Richards, but "will inject his own brand of comic genius" into the show. He urged his fans who previously bought the show on DVD to "destroy" their copies and to replace them with the manipulated episodes as they become available.
CIGAR-CHOMPING ROONEY STATUE TO BE MOVED TO FEDERAL STREET BAR TO COMPLY WITH NEW ANTI-SMOKING LAW
PITTSBURGH - When Allegheny County's smoking ban goes into effect, smokers desiring to continue their habit will need to find a bar that has fewer than ten employees and food sales accounting for less than ten percent of its revenue. Accordingly, the Steelers have made arrangements to move the cigar-chomping statue of Steelers' founder Art Rooney to the second stool to the right of the illegal video poker machine at Bradley's Roadhouse Tavern on Federal Street.
CYRIL WECHT HASN'T BEEN PAID BY ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOR SON'S AUTOPSY, OR BY PLANET XENON FOR ALIEN AUTOPSIES
PITTSBURGH - Dr. Cyril Wecht said he hasn't been paid by Anna Nicole Smith for the autopsy he performed on her son. Nor has he been paid for hundreds of alien autopsies he performed for Planet Xenon, the sixth planet in a dual-star solar system approximately 110 light years from earth. Wecht said he is discussing the Smith invoices with her attorneys, and expects that matter to be resolved. In addition, Wecht said, he is having direct discussions with TriFlugor-Rydny, Imperial Ruler of Planet Xenon, regarding his invoice for the alien autopsies and is optimistic that an amicable resolution will be reached.
Alan Greenspan Sues Former Controller Tom Flaherty
PITTSBURGH - Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, has sued former City Controller Tom Flaherty to prevent him from legally changing his name to “Alan Greenspan.” Flaherty filed the name change petition last week. The lawsuit, filed November 17 in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas, alleges that Flaherty’s name change is for the "sole purpose of taking advantage of Greenspan's notoriety in an attempt to regain credibility as a fiscal watchdog."
Greenspan’s lawsuit also alleges that Flaherty (pictured above) has recently undergone reconstructive surgery to attempt to take on the former Federal Reserve Chairman’s appearance. Flaherty, speaking to reporters this afternoon, denied that he had recently undergone plastic surgery, and referred all further inquiries to his attorney, David Armstrong.
IRAN STATE TELEVISION TO REBROADCAST CLASSIC 1977 FAMILY FEUD EPISODE PITTING THE PAHLAVIS AGAINST THE KHOMEINIS
Viewers excited about opportunity to see Richard Dawson kiss the Ayatollah
LOCAL BUSINESSMAN STARTS SERVICE TO COMPETE WITH DOCUMENT DESTRUCTION COMPANIES
NOAH SWAYNE WARRANTS THAT IF DOCUMENTS ARE GIVEN TO HIM, THEY'LL DISAPPEAR FOREVER -- BECAUSE HE'LL LOSE THEMPITTSBURGH - Document destruction has become big business as companies become ever more sensitive to the need to protect clients' confidential information.
But local businessman Noah Swayne says that document destruction companies don't cut it. "Anybody can shred documents," Swayne said. "The problem is, the paper still exists, albeit in shredded form."
Swayne is touting a foolproof service for a fraction of what the big companies charge: "If you really want a document to disappear forever, just give it to me. I warrant that no one will ever see it again," Swayne said. Swayne's secretary, Velveeta Lugosi-Ravenstahl, concurs: Swayne will lose any document given to him within three minutes of its receipt. "Just put something on his desk and it's gone."
Ms. Lugosi-Ravenstahl requests that any orders for this service be sent to her attention "because if they're sent to [Swayne], he'll just lose them."
BAGHDAD CITY COUNCIL PASSES BILL ALLOWING FREE DOWNTOWN PARKING AFTER FOUR O'CLOCK ON WEEKDAYS
Chamber of Commerce, merchants hail move as "a first step" towards revitalizing Baghdad commercial district
PITT VAULTS TO #2 IN BCS STANDINGS; INTRODUCES FORMER SHERIFF PETE DEFAZIO AS NEW ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
PITTSBURGH -- Southern California’s hopes for a shot at the national championship took a blow with the newest BCS standings released yesterday, courtesy of the Pitt Panthers. Despite a 45-27 loss to West Virginia on Thursday night and a losing 5-6 record, the Panthers vaulted to second place in the Bowl Championship Series standings released Sunday. A win this weekend against Louisville would cement their position for the national title game against Ohio State in the Rose Bowl on January 1. The Panthers’ #2 ranking comes just days after the appointment of former Allegheny County Sheriff Pete DeFazio as athletic director. Despite his lack of athletic department experience, DeFazio was recently hired for the Pitt post by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg, who cited DeFazio’s demonstrated ability to "form relationships" as the main factor in DeFazio’s hiring. In reacting to the news, AD Pete DeFazio said, "I think that the information packet I sent out to the pollsters was very helpful in raising their awareness of our program.”
BUSH PREPARED FOR VISIT TO VIETNAM WITH REPEATED VIEWINGS OF RAMBO, MISSING IN ACTION
White House sources say President may appoint Stallone, Norris to Iraq Study Group
EMMITT SMITH CLAIMS THAT BORAT PRODUCERS PROMISED THAT DANCE PERFORMANCES WOULD ONLY BE SEEN IN BELARUS
"NEVER DID I DREAM THAT I WOULD SHOW UP ON 'DANCING WITH THE STARS,'" SAID THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION
ATTORNEY JACKIE CHILES TO DEFEND MICHAEL RICHARDS IN ACTIONS STEMMING FROM RACIAL SLURS AT COMEDY CLUB
CALLS CRITICISMS OF RICHARDS DEPLORABLE, UNFATHOMABLE AND IMPROBABLE
DAVID ONORATO UNVEILS PARKING AUTHORITY'S LATEST CAPITAL EXPENDITURE: A SPACE STATION CAPABLE OF ANNIHILATING A PLANET
COST OVERRUNS TO "DEATH STAR" PREVENT PARKING AUTHORITY FROM PASSING ON PARKING TAX DECREASE TO COMMUTERS, SAYS ONORATO
NUTTING FAMILY COMPLIES WITH MLB RULES, GIVES UP GAMING LICENSE AT SEVEN SPRINGS IN ORDER TO KEEP PIRATES
G. OGDEN NUTTING: "The Nuttings will refrain from entering into a business where gullible people mindlessly shell out their hard-earned money in a futile attempt to win, in order that we may retain a business where gullible people mindlessly shell out their hard-earned money in a futile attempt to win."
PITTSBURGH ZOO SIGNS 600 POUND, RIGHT-HANDED POLAR BEAR TO THREE-YEAR DEAL
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Zoo signed a 600 pound, right-handed polar bear to a three year contact today. With incentives, the deal could be worth $12 million. Barbara Baker, managing partner of the Zoo, said that it the deal is "important to show our patrons that this organization is committed to winning and to bringing quality animals to the City of Pittsburgh."To make room for the new polar bear, Ms. Baker said the zoo released a veteran lion into Pittsburgh's Highland Park neighborhood.
FIRST FEMALE SPEAKER SEEKS TO REARRANGE FURNITURE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, REPUBLICANS VOW TO FIGHT
WASHINGTON, D.C. -Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that her first order of business as the new speaker would be to rearrange the furniture in the House of Representatives. Congresswoman Pelosi also said she intends to replace the drapes and put a fresh coat of paint on the walls within the first one hundred days of her term. "The American people have spoken, and they want a change," she said. "And that begins by changing the deplorable way the desks and chairs are placed in this chamber."
Speaking to moderator Tim Russert on the NBC television program Meet the Press, Pelosi said she would appoint a bipartisan commission to study contemporary interior design. "We are committed to moving forward." She promised Republicans would have a voice in choosing paint "that both sides could live with." She said the current look of the chamber was an impediment to progress. "If we want to brighten the legislation that passes through this House, then we've got to brighten the color scheme on these walls. It just doesn't do anything for me." Representative Pelosi said she hoped both parties could work together after Congress returns from the Thanksgiving recess to begin moving desks and chairs "to see what looks good together."
Former Speaker of the House, Representative Dennis Hastert of Illinois , was pessimistic anything could get done before new members arrive in January. "First of all," he said, "there isn't enough time." Hastert said he didn't think it would be fair to incoming legislators to bind them to seating arrangements made by lame-duck members of Congress. "Anyway," he asked, "how do we know she won't want to rearrange the whole thing all over again after we're done?"
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