RAVENSTAHL ADMITS THAT HE WAS HANDCUFFED, AND THAT HE LIKED IT
MRS. RAVENSTAHL: "THAT DETENTION HAS DONE WONDERS FOR OUR LOVE LIFE."
"PITTSBURGH'S FINEST" ROUGHED-UP LUKE RAVENSTAHL BEFORE THEY KNEW WHO HE WAS
But now Ravenstahl is the Don. "Today, I settle all family business . . ."
Officer Hoehn
Peduto 
McIntire
DESPONDENT MAN CLIMBS CLEMENTE BRIDGE, THREATENS TO CONSUME TOO MUCH WATER
"STAND BACK OR I'LL DRINK THE WHOLE DAMN THING," HE YELLED AS HE BRANDISHED A WATER BOTTLE. UNRULY YOUTHS GATHERED BELOW AND SCREAMED, "DRINK, DRINK, DRINK."PITTSBURGH - A despondent man whose identity is being withheld pending notification of family, Noah Swayne, 31 of Troy Hill, climbed the Clemente Bridge in rush hour last night and threatened to intoxicate himself with five 20 ounce bottles of Mt. Shasta Natural Spring Water. Pittsburgh Police closed the bridge and a counselor from the Pittsburgh Water Authority was called in to talk him down.
The standoff lasted for three hours, snarling traffic on the North Shore. Suddenly, at 8 p.m., a gust of wind scattered three of the bottles into the Allegheny River, and Swayne slowly made his way down. The bridge remained closed all night while police tried to recover the three fallen bottles. "We need to make sure those bottles don't fall into the wrong hands," said Commander Catherine McNeilly, in charge of the rescue.
The Water Authority counselor explained what prompted Swayne to finally come down: "He had to go to the bathroom."
OFFICER HOEHN GIVES HIS ACCOUNT OF RAVENSTAHL'S HEINZ FIELD INCIDENT
"THE YOUNG COUNCILMAN WAS HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM SO I HAD TO GIVE HIM A 'TIME-OUT.'"
PRESIDENT BUSH CEDES CONTROL OF IRAQ WAR TO ROBERT NUTTING
SON OF NEWSPAPER MAGNATE TO BECOME PRINCIPAL OWNER OF CONFLICT UPON RATIFICATION BY JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFFWASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush dropped his title as Commander in Chief of the United States forces in Iraq today, officially ceding control of the conflict to Robert “Bob” Nutting. The President will continue to be responsible for the day-to-day operations of the war, but final approval of all major decisions must be made after consultation – and with the blessing of - Mr. Nutting. In a statement released to reporters, Mr. Nutting said he was “deeply and resolutely committed to the success of the United States mission in Iraq. I understand how important the members of our armed forces are to the people of this region, and I share in their passion to see our military succeed. President Bush was supportive of this change of control, and it should provide absolute clarity to our friends and foes regarding the ownership structure of this war.”
At a joint White House press conference held on the Franklin Pierce veranda, both President Bush and Mr. Nutting seemed pleased with the new arrangement. “This is finally going to allow me to get back to doing the things I was elected to do,” said the President. Pressed for specifics, Mr. Bush had a quick response. “Jogging, cycling, swimming and golfing.” The jovial mood was broken, albeit briefly, when a reporter questioned Mr. Nutting about his commitment to winning the battle being waged on the front line of the war on terror. “I think that’s completely inappropriate,” he snapped. Mr. Nutting leaves this morning for Baghdad where he will meet with Sunni and Shiite officials. Mr. Nutting is expected to name Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield as head of the Iraqi Rebuilding Program some time next week.
STEELERS EXPAND COACHING SEARCH
PITTSBURGH - The Steelers introduced two new potential coaching candidates to fill Bill Cowher's position. Entertainers Soupy Sales and Donnie Iris were both given lengthy interviews at the team's South Side facility on Tuesday. Team President Art Rooney II addressed the media: " Soupy would bring a new philosophy to the team, with his pie-in-the-face style of defense. We were not sure what Donnie would bring to the table but as you might expect, he rocked. Both are very strong candidates."
STEELERS GIVEN TITLE "WORLD CHAMPIONS EMERITUS"
PITTSBURGH - The Pennsylvania State Legislature has adopted a resolution sponsored by Speaker Emeritus John Perzel naming the Pittsburgh Steelers "World Champions Emeritus," a title suggested by the Rooney family to "regain some of the pride Western Pennsylvanians felt last February" when the Steelers won the Super Bowl.The title is an honorary one that the NFL originally refused to recognize but now embraces in light of projections of significant revenue generation from the sale of merchandise bearing the new title.
Art Rooney II said he got the idea for the title after consulting with several friends in the Pennsylvania Republican Party. The GOP just named former state speaker Perzel to the newly created post of "Speaker Emeritus" after he lost the election for speaker to fellow Republican Dennis O'Brien. The position has no responsibilities or privileges. "I saw that he lost but he still got this very impressive title," Rooney explained, "and I figured, hey, we were 8-8. That's better than losing."
IRAQI EXECUTION TEAM DROPS FROM #3 TO #8 IN AP EXECUTION TOP 25
"WE LOOKED GOOD IN PRACTICE," SAID PRIME MINISTER AL-MALIKI, "BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO DO IT, WE JUST WEREN'T EXECUTING."
NEW YORK - Following the botched execution of Saddam Hussein and the accidental beheading of his half-brother, Barzan Ibrahim, the Iraqi execution team dropped from #3 to #8 in the AP Execution top 25, and from #3 to #11 in the ESPN/USA Today Poll. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki explained: "It's disappointing. We had a good week of practice, no tauntings, no beheadings. We looked sharp. But when it came time to do it, we went out and got our heads handed to us. We just weren't executing, so to speak." Al-Maliki refused to say if there would be any changes in the make-up of the team. "I'm not going to make any judgments until I get a good look at the film."
Prior to the U.S. invasion, the Iraqis had been a perennial powerhouse in worldwide executions, typically battling China, Somalia and North Korea for the top spot. It was ranked #1 in most pre-season polls this year. Analysts say that American coaching may be responsible for the Iraqis' problems. "Executions are a whole different sport in America," said ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit. "Americans are strong in the electric chair and the lethal injection events but the man-on-the-rope play hasn't been their strong suit since the early 20th Century." Most commentators feel that the team's performance could be enhanced by bringing back one or more pre-war coaches to work with the team on fundamentals.
BINDI IRWIN VOWS TO AVENGE HER FATHER’S DEATH, SAYS SHE WILL NOT REST UNTIL ALL STINGRAYS ARE DESTROYED
NEW YORK - Bindi Sue Irwin, the precocious child of famed “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin made the talk-show rounds yesterday and delivered a chilling message with crystal clarity. Appearing on “Live With Regis and Kelly,” Ms. Irwin said: “I wish to enlist the aid of all good-hearted people listening to the sound of my voice. If you love my father as much as I do, I ask that you help me avenge his murder by wiping every stingray from the face of the Earth! Take to the beaches with torches and spears! Destroy all stingrays!” Ms. Irwin’s father, Steve Irwin, was killed by a stingray while snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef . When host Regis Philbin attempted to remind Ms. Irwin that her father was a conservationist who devoted his life to animals, the little girl fixed her steely gaze upon him. “My desire for vengeance has completely overwhelmed my initial reaction to the senseless murder of my father,” she said. Ms. Irwin was referring to the moving speech she gave at the memorial service for her father, in which she asked all people to dedicate themselves to the preservation of wildlife around the world. “My words were taken out of context,” she said.
Ms Irwin added that she has enlisted the aid of both Japanese and Norwegian commercial fishing ventures to achieve her dream of stingray-free seas. “They promised me that as soon as they have captured and slaughtered every last whale, they’ll go after stingrays.” When Mr. Philbin reminded her that such a job “could take quite a while,” Ms. Irwin nodded. “I’ll bide my time,” she said.
The stingray suspected in the death of Mr. Irwin remains at large. Police say he should be considered barbed, and dangerous.
WHISENHUNT LOST STEELERS' JOB BECAUSE OF "DISCREPANCIES" IN HIS RESUME
RESUME ENTRY CLAIMING HE WAS "HEAD COACH OF THE STEELERS FROM 1999 TO PRESENT" FOUND TO BE ERRONEOUS
PIRATES ACQUIRE LA ROCHE
GM LITTLEFIELD HAS "NO IDEA" WHAT BUCS WILL DO WITH THE COLLEGE BUT SAYS HE'LL "FIGURE IT OUT" AS HE GOES
FDA TO REQUIRE WARNING LABELS FOR WARNING LABELS
WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration has concluded that because the warning labels displayed on tobacco and alcohol products are too alarming for some consumers, an additional warning label must be affixed to those products to alert people of the presence of the original warning label. The FDA is also considering whether a third label is necessary to make it clear that there will now be two warning labels.
Bradleys Roadhouse of locally owned Roadhouse Brewery sees some drawbacks with the new requirement. “I'm OK with warning labels in principle, except we're running out of room on our [beer] bottles," he said. To remedy this problem, Roadhouse said his company will give consumers two bottles for every one sold: one for the beer, the other for the warning labels.
BUSH DEPLOYS EAGLE SCOUTS TO BAGHDAD, WILL TRAIN IRAQI EXECUTIONERS
HOPES TO AVOID ACCIDENTAL BEHEADINGS AT FUTURE HANGINGS BY USING BETTER KNOT-TYING TECHNIQUES
GOLDEN GLOBE AUDIENCE STUNNED TO HEAR JACK NICHOLSON'S REAL-LIFE BRITISH ACCENT
"I'VE DECIDED TO LET EVERYONE SEE WHO I REALLY AM, JUST A KID FROM SHEFFIELD WHO'S BEEN PUTTING EVERYONE ON BY DOING A FUNNY AMERICAN ACCENT MOST OF MY LIFE," NICHOLSON SAID IN AN ACCENT SO THICK IT WAS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND HIM
PELOSI ASKS LARRY KING FOR HELP IN EXPEDITING FLOOR DEBATES, TALK-SHOW HOST NAMED ASSISTANT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing a need to move quicker on issues she called “vital to the American people,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) has hired renowned talk-show host Larry King as Assistant Speaker of the House. King, the host of CNN’s “Larry King Live,” will remain in his newly created position for the first one hundred days of the new Democratic-controlled Congress. Representative Pelosi said her willingness to be evenhanded and listen to the opinions of others was becoming a detriment. “I still don’t know if I have it in me to tell my former colleagues to shut up,” she said. For his part, Assistant Speaker King had no problem moving things along. Yesterday morning, King opened discussion on a bill designed to raise the minimum wage with “G o ahead, Ohio.” When stunned members of the Ohio delegation huddled to determine who would speak first, King became impatient. "Ohio?” he barked, before cutting off their time. “I’m afraid we’ve lost them,” he said. Mr. King, who wore a pair of suspenders embossed with the seal of the Congress of the United States, said he was “absolutely thrilled” to be able to do something for his country. “Just like Jack Kennedy asked me to,” he added. Mr. King promised to remain available to leaders of both parties should they need to extricate themselves from protracted discussions of complicated issues. “Nobody knows how to stop a filibuster quicker than I do,” he said.
CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL TEMPORARILY RESUCITATED TO TAKE OATH OF OFFICE
HARRISBURG - Doctors treating Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll momentarily removed her feeding tube earlier this morning in order for her to take the oath of office for her second term. Shortly after the oath was administered, Knoll’s life support was reconnected, and her doctors reported that she is resting comfortably.Lt. Governor Knoll’s Special Assistant Allison Stashick told reporters that she is fairly certain that Knoll was aware of her surroundings, and was even communicative during the ceremony. “She blinked her eyes several times while [Superior Court] Judge Todd was administering the oath,” said Stashick. Stashick added that Lt. Governor Knoll’s plan for her second term includes working with Gov. Rendell to continue his policies over the next four years, and sitting upright while meals are being served.
Knoll is not the only comatose politician serving Pennsylvania. Earlier this month, Bob Casey took the oath of office in the U.S. Senate after serving stints as Pennsylvania ’s Auditor General and State Treasurer.
ACCIDENTAL BEHEADING AT HANGING RAISES GREATEST OUTCRY IN IRAQ SINCE ACCIDENTAL HANGING AT BEHEADING IN 1994
Barzan Ibrahim moments before his hanging/decapitation
END IS NEAR FOR CASTRO: HE SUMMONS DESI ARNAZ TO SING "BABALU" FOR HIM ONE LAST TIME
ARNAZ BRINGS FRED MERTZ TO CHEER EL PRESIDENTE WITH HIS PATENTED SOFT SHOE ROUTINEHAVANA - A Spanish newspaper reported today that Fidel Castro is near death, and Cuban-born musician and television producer Desi Arnaz made his first trip to his native country in decades this morning to fulfill Castro's deathbed wish to hear "Babalu," Arnaz's biggest hit, one last time. Arnaz brought his next-door neighbor, ex-vaudevillian Fred Mertz with him to Havana to cheer Castro with his patented soft shoe routine.
"El Presidente had been calling for 'Babalu' for days," said one of Castro's nurses who spoke on condition of anonymity. The mood at the hospital reportedly was tense because while Arnaz and his band were setting up, the President's brother, acting Cuban President Raul Castro, asked Fidel if he "should kill [Arnaz]." Fidel's secretary quickly interceded and informed Raul that Mr. Arnaz had been married to Lucille Ball, "the zany redhead you are so crazy about." Raul smiled: "She funny," he said. "She very funny."
A look of contentment swept over Castro's face as the first bars of the song filled the room. "Now I can die in peace," he was heard to mutter. "Desi Arnaz has returned to Cuba."
BUSH'S SECRET FALLBACK PLAN FOR IRAQ: ACTOR SLIM PICKENS TO RIDE NUCLEAR BOMB INTO BAGHDAD
"I WANT HIM TO RIDE IT JUST THE WAY HE DID IN DR. STRANGELOVE," SAID THE PRESIDENT
POLICE CONTRAST TUESDAY'S SENSELESS SHOOTING WITH MONDAY'S QUITE SENSIBLE ONE
PITTSBURGH - Police called Tuesday's shooting that injured a convenience store owner downtown "senseless," in contrast with Monday's shooting downtown stemming from a domestic dispute, which police say was "quite sensible." The perpetrator in Tuesday's store owner shooting, police say, was a "perfect stranger" who had never met his victim. However, Monday's shooting victim had been married to his assailant for 31 years. Police Commander Noah Swayne said he is hoping Monday's shooting heralds "a renaissance of traditional values" and a "return to the good old days, when crime was committed by people who knew, and had reason to hate," their victim. "It's time to get crime off the streets and back in the kitchen where it belongs," Swayne said.
LATEST HEROIC SAVE OF WOULD-BE VICTIM FROM PATH OF SPEEDING TRAIN CALLED COPYCAT RESCUE
NEW YORK - Daniel Fitzpatrick, 38, an off-duty emergency medical technician, saved a woman who apparently intended to throw herself in front of a subway train in Brooklyn. The rescue came just a week after 50-year-old Wesley Autrey saved a young man from an oncoming train by placing his body over the teenager in a pit between the tracks. Police say they are concerned because the sensational publicity from the first rescue likely had a copycat effect prompting the second. They fear the latest rescue could spark more imitators. "We worry that every time a would-be hero sees a train about to hit someone, instead of phoning the police like he should, he'll dive on the tracks and try to save the poor fool, thus rendering the police superfluous," said Police Commander Hadley V. Baxendale. "Unfortunately, we have this modern press sensationalism to thank for that. And I don't think we've seen the end of this cycle."
BOB NUTTING, PIRATES' PRINCIPAL OWNER, MAKES FIRST APPEARANCE TO PITTSBURGH MEDIA
"HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST MY FAMILY PUTS PROFITS ABOVE WINNING. CAN YOU CITE ONE SCRAP OF EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THAT ASSERTION? . . . NEVER MIND THE QUESTION. YOUR TIME'S UP. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT."
FROM THE CARBOLIC ARCHIVES: PHANTOM PIRATES OWNER G. OGDEN NUTTING RUNS TEAM FROM HIS LAIR IN CATACOMBS DEEP BENEATH PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - Newly hired attendants at PNC Park are instructed in the most emphatic terms never to enter private box five. Box five long has been rumored to be haunted during Pirate home games by the mysterious owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, G. Ogden Nutting. When the Pirates are not playing at home, Nutting retreats to the wet catacombs deep beneath PNC Park where he brings promising young players -- his "proteges," he calls them -- to mold and to teach the finer points of the game. Nutting, whose face was hideously disfigured in the implosion of Three Rivers Stadium in 2001, hides his visage beneath a ghostly half-mask. (This photograph, taken last year, is the only one of Nutting known to exist since the implosion.)One of the phantom-owner's proteges is pitcher Zach Duke. Soon after Duke arrived with the club last year, he found a red rose in his locker, signifying that Mr. Nutting had hand-selected him to tutor. "He took me to his dark lair," said Duke. "There, he worked with me day and night, for weeks on end, to improve my pitching." Duke pauses and says quietly: "I owe all of my success to him, my angel of the night."
When Mr. Nutting deemed Duke ready, he instructed then-Pirate manager Lloyd McClendon to start him in a game against the dreaded Yankees, but McClendon tapped Kip Wells instead. That night, a chandelier in the Pirates clubhouse fell on Wells under mysterious circumstances, severely injuring his pitching arm. Duke got the start and went on to become the best rookie pitcher in baseball last year.
Duke continued to work with the phantom-owner, but all the while a burning curiosity grew within him to unmask his strange mentor. Then one day last September, while the Mr. Nutting was conjuring up some weird cacophony on the PNC Park organ, Duke sneaked up from behind him and snatched the mask from his face.
"He turned around, and it was the most horrifying sight I had ever seen," said Duke, still trembling months after the event. "His face looked exactly like -- radio talk show host Mark Madden!"
COME ON, ALL YOU STAND-UP COMICS . . .
The Carbolic Smoke Ball has been asked to be judges for this special, extraordinary event. If you or someone you know is an aspiring stand-up comic, win a chance to open for the brilliant Gene Collier. Auditions will be held on February 9, from 5:30-7:30 at Cefalo's. Register by sending an email to: trcreativeservices@yahoo.com.
GAMBLING STUDY WARNS CONSUMERS: DON'T COME TO NORTH SHORE EXPECTING TO WIN
PITTSBURGH - With a new casino on its way, a local think tank has issued a report warning that consumers will be lured to the North Shore believing winning is possible when, in fact, it hardly ever happens. The think tank was not referring to the new casino but rather to the upcoming Pirates' season.
NAMING RIGHTS TO NEW ARENA SOLD TO SPACELY SPACE SPROCKETS
PITTSBURGH - The final design and new name for Pittsburgh's new arena to house the Penguins were revealed today by Governor Ed Rendell. Rendell announced that he has arranged the sale of naming rights to Spacely Space Sprockets. "The Spacely Center is destined to become a distinct, albeit bizarre, landmark in Pittsburgh’s skyline," Rendell said.
LUKE RAVENSTAHL TO RELEASE BOOK: "IF DENNY REGAN HAD MESSED WITH POLICE, HERE'S HOW HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT"
PITTSBURGH - In the wake of Catherine McNeilly's reinstatement as Commander, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that his upcoming book will hypothetically explained how former mayoral aide Dennis Regan would have interfered with police protocols, if he in fact had done it. Among other things Mr. Regan might have done, according to the Mayor, is "protect his the relatives of his love interest from unreasonable and nasty superiors who required them to come to work."Mr. Ravenstahl is looking to turn the book into a local TV special but is unable to obtain funding.
Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said that the book was purely hypothetical, and that while citizens should read it, they should not read anything into it. "No way," Mr. Skrinjar said when asked if this was a confession of sorts. "There is no evidence that Denny Regan did anything wrong. None. Maybe someone, somewhere, whose name I don't know -- because how would I? -- that person might have exercised poor judgement. But not Denny."
BUSH CANDIDLY EXPLAINS MISTAKES IN HANDLING WAR
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush delivered a passionate and revealing address to the nation on Wednesday night to explain his plan for a troop surge to stabilize the situation on the ground in the Iraqi war and to offer his rationale for the strategy employed to date in terms not heard before. "Sometime in 2003, Cheney and Rummy told me we had a plan, so I thought we were covered. At some point last month, they explained they were talking about lunch, not for invading, securing and managing a sovereign nation. So I take responsibility for not looking into that more closely once we were through with lunch that day in 2003."As to the fitness of the Iraqi army, the president said, "We're trainin' them and they are tryin' real hard. But they still tend to think of our troops as human shields and we've got to change that mindset. We need to work with them but also respect their culture. For example, I think if you have an Iraqi commander who doesn't massacre any of his neighbors for a certain time period, say a week, a month, whatever, you reward that type of behavior with a maybe an ipod or a goat, whatever is the culturally correct thing. But I'll leave those details to the men on the ground."
While assuring the American people that the surge will quell the violence and put Iraq on the road to stability, the president raised some eyebrows at the conclusion of his speech. "If anyone has a better idea, give Condi a call on her cell. It's 212-555-1212."
While assuring the American people that the surge will quell the violence and put Iraq on the road to stability, the president raised some eyebrows at the conclusion of his speech. "If anyone has a better idea, give Condi a call on her cell. It's 212-555-1212."
SPOILSPORT DISPLACED 84 LUMBER WORKERS DAMPEN FUN AT JOE HARDY'S STAR-STUDDED PARTY
EDITORIAL BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - Bette Midler backed by a full orchestra; Robin Williams cracking wise; Christina Aguilera; a Broadway company of "A Chorus Line." Half the stars in the heavens converged on Nemacolin Woodlands Resort & Spa, the retreat owned by the Hardy family, last Saturday to celebrate Joe Hardy's 84th birthday. It was the best of everything that money can buy, nonstop from 2 in the afternoon until 2 in the morning, shot through with jaw-dropping amazement and pure, high-octane fun. It was the party of the century a scant seven years into it, and the culmination of both a life and a lifestyle. Most important, it made Mr. Hardy happy, and that's all that counts.
But no matter how rapturous a thing is, there will always be some sniveling, green-eyed bore who tries to ruin it for the rest of us. So must it be here. It seems the 25-30 people laid off last month at 84 Lumber's corporate headquarters because of the economic slowdown are questioning the supposed extravagance in having luminaries Mr. Hardy never met flown in to pay him homage.
Extravagance? What extravagance? This entire party could not have cost more than $10-15 million. The mere fact that this sum could have gainfully employed the displaced bellyachers for some time is completely beside the point.
Let's be honest, would Mr. Hardy be able to afford to blow a ton of money and act like a big shot if he didn't fire peons with families who've devoted their lives to his company? Exactly where do these displaced Einsteins think the money to pay for the party would come from?
Moreover, if Mr. Hardy doesn't pay these Hollywood whores to fly out to the middle of Nemacolin Nowhere to proclaim what a great guy he is, could he count on these displaced ingrates to do it? Or anybody, for that matter? The question scarcely survives its statement.
If you think this birthday party was big, just wait until you see Mr. Hardy's 85th. He might have to lay off the whole damn company to pay for that one, and I can't wait!
BUSH TELLS AL-MALIKI, "I'M GEORGE BUSH. I SOLVE PROBLEMS."
The Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained the transcript of President Bush's private discussion with Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki where the President outlined his new approach in Iraq:BUSH: . . . You're going to commit 10,000 to 12,000 more troops to secure Baghdad's neighborhoods and take the lead in military operations.
AL-MALIKI: A "please" would be nice.
BUSH: Come again?
AL-MALIKI: I said a "please" would be nice.
BUSH: Get it straight, Buster, I'm not here to say "Please." I'm here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f***ing do it, and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen. If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, beef up your f***ing security.
STEELERS FRONT OFFICE DECIDES TO LOOK OUTSIDE THE ORGANIZATION FOR COWHER’S REPLACEMENT, ROONEY INTERVIEWS MR. T, REX REED, TO FILL HEAD COACH VACANCY
PITTSBURGH - Steelers President Art Rooney II flew to Los Angeles yesterday to interview former bouncer and bodyguard to the stars Mr. T for the job as Steelers head coach. Mr. Rooney met with Mr. T on the set of his TV Land reality show, “I Pity the Fool.” Sources inside the organization said Mr. T’s gruff, no-nonsense approach and willingness to throw people through doors if they fail to discharge their duties to his satisfaction make him an ideal candidate for the position.
Speaking to reporters outside his trailer following a three hour interview, Mr. T. was brimming with confidence. He admonished members of the press to “quit with their jibber-jabber” and heed his words. “When Mr. T take the reins of this team, we gonna be somebody, or we gonna be somebody’s fool!” he bellowed. He scowled when asked to make a prediction for the next Steelers game against the Baltimore Ravens. “Prediction? Pain!” Mr. T, who did a brief stretch in prison following his conviction for impersonating a professional actor, said he hoped his criminal record wouldn’t keep him from working in the NFL. “Y’all know how strict they are about employing model citizens.” The interview of Mr. T meets the requirements of the league’s Rooney Rule, which compels all teams to interview at least one washed-up celebrity when a head coach position is open.
The search for Mr. Cowher’s replacement continues today. Mr. Rooney is scheduled to meet with New York Observer critic and bon vivant Rex Reed at his Upper East Side apartment this morning to discuss the Steelers coaching job.
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