PENS SIGN RAVENSTALL TO BEEF UP BLUE LINE FOR 2ND HALF OF SEASON

PENS' GM IMPRESSED WITH WAY YOUNG MAYOR HANDLED HIMSELF OUTSIDE GATE "A" AT HEINZ FIELD LEADING TO HIS HANDCUFFING AND DETENTION

PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed.

Sources close to the organization confirm Ravenstall recently became the object of the team's desire to beef up their blue line. TSN believes the move has nothing to do with ongoing negotiations over a possible new arena. Rather, one source close to the negotiations indicated Pens GM Ray Shero was "quite impressed with the way Ravernstall handled himself in a crowd." Shero explained: "He's as tough as they come. Luke doesn't back down from anyone. Obviously, he's willing to give it all for the team and sacrifice his body in any way necessary. He'll be a great addition to the line up and will keep the crease clear in front of Fluery; I mean no more of that pushing and crowding his line of sight to the puck. He's like the Tasmanian devil, there's no stopping him; unless, of course, someone on the ice has handcuffs."

BUSH DECLARES "OPEN SEASON" ON IRANIAN AGENTS OPERATING IN IRAQ, CHENEY TO LEAD SPECIAL OPS SQUAD

TOMLIN PLEDGES CONTINUITY AT PRESS CONFERENCE, VOWS TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS USING “THE SAME CLICHÉS AS MY PREDECESSOR”

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: SEPTEMBER 12, 2001, BUSH HOLDS EMERGENCY CABINET MEETING

"THE EVILDOERS HAVE ATTACKED AMERICA. ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS -- BY WHICH I MEAN IRAQ."

BUSH DECLARES: "I'M THE DECISION MAKER IN IRAQ. . . . AFTER CHENEY, OF COURSE."

RICE SPARS WITH BUSH OPPONENTS OVER WAR IN IRAQ

HILLARY CLINTON: PRESIDENT MISLED COUNTRY

DES MOINES - On her first campaign swing for President, Senator Hillary Clinton spoke candidly with reporters. "I have said clearly and consistently for quite some time that I regret the way the president misused the authority of his office," said Clinton. "He misled Congress and the country on what he was doing and what he intended to do." She paused. "Now that we've covered my husband, let's discuss George Bush."

STATUE OF LIBERTY TO GET NEW ROBE, NYC AND NJ ASKED TO AVERT EYES DURING TWO-HOUR CHANGE

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE RULES OUT APPLYING PASTIES TO FIRST MAMMARY GLANDS OF LIBERTY DURING THE CHANGE. "AFTER ALL, THIS IS LIBERTY ISLAND, NOT A FRENCH CAN-CAN."

NEW YORK - The Statue of Liberty is getting a long-overdue makeover this summer, and the most prominent, and controversial, change will be a new robe to cover the 151-foot tall colossus. "The old gal hasn't changed her outfit since she was assembled back in 1886 when the French give her to us," said Noah Swayne of the National Park Service. "It's way past time."

The National Park Service estimates there will be a two-hour period after the statue's old copper robe is shed when Lady Liberty's anatomically correct, realistically painted naked body will be exposed. Noah Swayne said he is "heartsick that the first mammary glands of liberty will be transformed into little more than near-occasions of sin for every male in the New York Metropolitan area, but we have no other choice."

The National Park Service briefly considered, but ultimately rejected, the use of pasties. "That was never given serious consideration," said Swayne. "After all, this is Liberty Island, not a French Can-Can." In the end, Swayne said, the residents of New York and New Jersey within view of the statue will be left to the honor system: the National Park Service is asking them simply to avert their eyes during the change.

"One thing's for sure," Swayne said, "immigrants arriving in New York Harbor that day will get a welcome unlike any other in history."

NEW RULE REQUIRES PASSPORT TO ENTER ALL U.S. CONVENIENCE STORES, CONSIDERED FOREIGN SOIL

PORT AUTHORITY CHAIRMAN REGRETS ATTENDING PUBLIC HEARINGS ON MASS TRANSIT CUTS, CLAIMS HE THOUGHT HE WAS INVITED TO CELEBRITY ROAST IN HIS HONOR

PITTSBURGH - Port Authority Chief Executive Officer Steve Bland spoke out against what he claimed were “unfounded and unfair” remarks made about him at a series of hearings held this week to discuss proposed cuts in mass transit. Bland said he never agreed to endure hours of verbal abuse heaped upon him by angry, frustrated members of the general public. “I was under the impression I was going to a celebrity roast in my honor,” said Mr. Bland. “I knew from the beginning something was amiss when an elderly African-American male took to the podium and delivered a blistering indictment of our standard business practices, and the philosophical underpinnings of our policies.” Mr. Bland said the ferocity of the gentleman’s harangue left him momentarily stunned.

“Hold on a minute,” said Bland. “You’ re not Slappy White!” Mr. Bland said this further inflamed the man, who had to be escorted from the room by security.

Mr. Bland said he regrets subjecting himself to so many insults. “I had so much material prepared for my rebuttal,” he said. “I had about thirty-five minutes of sure-fire comic gold. Hundreds of jokes at the expense of the aged, infirmed, and indigent. I would have killed.” Mr. Bland said lawyers for the Port Authority advised him “at the last minute” to abort his act. “It’s too bad,” he said. “Joey Bishop gave me some great stuff.”

PRIME MINISTER AL-MALIKI DECRIES GRIDLOCK IN IRAQI PARLIAMENT, MOQTADA AL-SADR SAYS HE SHOULD “BLOW THE WHOLE THING UP AND START OVER”

TOMLIN "THRILLED" TO BE BACK IN PITTSBURGH, PROMISES TO "STUDY UP" ON FOOTBALL

PEDUTO VOWS TO DISMANTLE POLITICAL MACHINE: I HAVE THE BIGGEST WRENCH

LOCAL LANDSLIDE RIVALRY HEATS UP: O’HARA TOWNSHIP OFFICIALS DROP 4,000 TONS ON ROUTE 28

KILBUCK TOWNSHIP, WAL-MART SAY, "NICE TRY, BUT YOU GUYS AREN'T IN THE SAME LEAGUE AS US."

COUNTY OUTSOURCES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION TO INDIA

"SKYBUS" SHOULD BE FULLY OPERATIONAL BY SPRING, ACCORDING TO EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO

BUSH SET NEW RECORD FOR STRINGING MEANINGLESS PLATITUDES

WASHINGTON - Starting with "the state of our union is strong," right through to "America will never rest," the president strung together 1123 meaningless statements in his 50 minute State of the Union Address on Tuesday, topping the 1097 he used in the 2005 speech.

"It's really quite impressive, he goes from the patriotic to the patronizing to the totally incomprehensible with complete ease," said senate minority leader Trent Lott. "The country is truly blessed to have a president who possesses absolutely no vision and who can express it so clearly." Linguist Walter Craswell of Michigan State University explained that, contrary to popular belief, Bush's rhetoric is one of his strenths: "The complete avoidance of any hint of substance in Bush's speeches helps him stay on message, and he does that very well."

MARIO LEMIEUX ADMITS HE'S "OUT OF HIS LEAGUE" TANGLING WITH ED RENDELL

PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY TAPS MANFRED HONECK AS NEW CONDUCTOR DESPITE REPORTS THAT RUSS GRIMM WAS OFFERED AND ACCEPTED POSITION LAST WEEKEND

BUSH CLAIMS HE DOES NOT TAKE SIDES AMONG IRAQ'S WARRING FACTIONS: "I DON'T KNOW SHIITE FROM SHINOLA"

OUR STATE OF THE UNION ROUND-UP

"Where the hell am I?"

BUSH ASKS CONGRESS FOR PATIENCE WITH IRAQ , “ALL WE ARE SAYING IS, GIVE WAR A CHANCE,” SAYS EMBATTLED PRESIDENT

PRESIDENT BREAKS WITH TRADITION, OPENS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS BY PRESENTING SPEAKER WITH FLOWERS, CANDY

Chief Executive, In Stage Whisper, Asks Joint House of Congress, “Don’t You Just Love How She’s Wearing Her Hair These Days?”

BUSH TELLS NATION HE'S LOOKED AT IRAQ SITUATION CLOSELY AND HAS THE SOLUTION

"WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT . . ."

SENATOR BYRD HOSPITALIZED FOR EXHAUSTION, DOCTORS CITE REPEATED CLAPPING, STANDING, SITTING DURING STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS AS PRIMARY CAUSE

PRESIDENT BUSH USES STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO CHALLENGE THE NATION, VOWS TO PUT A MAN ON ROSIE O’DONNELL BY 2018

BUSH SAYS REINFORCEMENTS CERTAIN TO SECURE VICTORY IN IRAQ

SENATORS CLINTON, OBAMA, SPEND ENTIRE STATE OF THE UNION ATTEMPTING TO TRICK EACH OTHER INTO APPLAUDING, RISING FROM SEAT AT INAPPROPRIATE MOMENTS

WPXI CHIEF METEOROLOGIST RELIEVED OF COMMAND, NEWS DIRECTOR SAYS COWARDLY BEHAVIOR IN FACE OF ARCTIC CLIPPER MADE MOVE NECESSARY

PITTSBURGH - WPXI News Director Corrie Harding relieved former WPXI Chief Meteorologist Mike Lapoint of his command today. LaPoint remains employed by the station, pending an internal investigation over charges that LaPoint “broke down” in the face of a cold front that brought frozen precipitation and the coldest air of the season to the Pittsburgh region. According to a WPXI employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, LaPoint “cracked up” when Doppler Radar detected a solid band of lake-effect snow showers moving into the area late Monday evening. “The Chief began shaking, and he couldn’t stop,” said the source. “He was frothing at the mouth. He started running around the set. At one point he grabbed Peggy Finnegan by the shoulders and began shouting, 'What are we going to do? What are we going to do?'"

Anchorman David Johnson and WPXI sports director John Fedko were eventually able to subdue LaPoint, but not before he bit Johnson. Johnson was treated at Allegheny General Hospital for a minor wound. As a precaution, he was given a series of shots to test for rabies. Mr. Harding blamed LaPoint’s behavior on “fatigue, and the stress of dealing on a day-to-day basis with the unrelenting pressures of preparing winter forecasts for a meat-and-potatoes market like Pittsburgh .”

Harding offered get well wishes for his former Chief Meteorologist. “We are all hoping that Mike has a speedy recovery.” Harding named Weather Plus Meteorologist Scott Harbaugh Interim Commander of Storm Team Eleven. He set no timetable for the selection of a new Chief Meteorologist.

TOMLIN BUYS LUXURY HOME IN NORTH CAROLINA

WIFE TO SKIP MOVING TO PITTSBURGH ALTOGETHER; COWHER PREPARES MUFFIN BASKETS FOR NEW NEIGHBOR

PITTSBURGH - The Rooney family and Steeler fans nationwide were surprised today when new head coach Mike Tomlin announced he has purchased a new luxury home in North Carolina. The Steelers had expected Tomlin to fly to Birmingham, Alabama for the Senior Bowl immediately following his introductory news conference on Monday. However, that plan was scrapped when Tomlin changed planes in Charlotte on his way to Alabama.

"I'd never been to North Carolina, but based on what I saw at the Charlotte airport, I thought my wife and I would really enjoy living here. Fortunately, Bill Cowher happened to call my cell phone while I was there to congratulate me about the job. He offered to pick me up and show me what was available around his place."

Tomlin, whose contract is reportedly worth $2.5 million per year, denied that he is considering retirement. "We're not making any decisions about retirement until after the season," he said.

Tomlin's wife will take up residence in North Carolina, and bypass Pittsburgh entirely. "The flight schedule out of Pittsburgh looks pretty good, but I figure I can also take the Turnpike and fly out of Cleveland if I have to." With his wife out of town and a new home in the south, Tomlin will not bother looking for a house in Pittsburgh. "I'm setting up a cot in my office, and I can use the locker room to shower. As soon as I find a hotplate, I'll be good to go."

GRIMM LOST STEELERS' JOB DUE TO RESUME IRREGULARITIES

PITTSBURGH - Inside sources report that Russ Grimm lost the Steelers’ coaching job because of discrepancies in his resume. The Steelers said they were unable to confirm the resume’s claim that Grimm formerly served as the lead attraction in the Flying Wallendas until he was selected to serve as Secretary of State under President Harry Truman.

BUSH: "State of union strong. Support the troops, end addiction to foreign oil, pretty girls and puppies make me smile."

Bush advances little new ground; Cheney dozes, ogles Speaker Pelosi; President reprimands Justices Roberts and Alito for not applauding.

WASHINGTON - President Bush trod startling little new ground in his State of the Union address last night. Three events, however, livened up an otherwise moribund affair.

While the President was outlining his technology initiative to end America's dependence on foreign oil, the head of dozing Vice President Cheney slumped over into the lap of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Bush, pausing mid-sentence to acknowledge a wave of tittering, glanced behind him and quipped, "Where's my camera when I need it?" Cheney awakened to the roar of laughter that greeted the line. The Vice President's office later explained that Mr. Cheney is taking a special medication for an alleged tennis elbow that "makes him drool and that forces his head involuntarily to droop, sometimes into the laps of persons next to him."

Midway through the speech, the President stopped and called for a "drink break -- for Republicans only." (Pictured above.)

The other unplanned moment occurred when an obviously disgusted Bush chided the four Supreme Court members in attendance for not joining Congress in applauding the speech. The President singled out Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito. "You know, both you guys are new to this thing, but already you're acting like the rest of those clowns [Supreme Court Justices]. You sit there stone-faced, like you don't get what I'm saying up here. These are the jokes, man! Show some damn life, and remember who put you there."

Following the President's speech, Howard Stern delivered the Democrats rebuttal, but most of Stern's statement was censored.

BUSH HAILS NYC SUBWAY HERO IN STATE OF UNION, HERO LEAPS ONTO PODIUM, COVERS BUSH TO SAVE HIM FROM HIS OWN POLICIES

A FAMILIAR SIGHT TO PENNSYLVANIANS IS SHARED WITH AMERICA DURING STATE OF UNION

IRAQ TERRORISTS JOIN STEELWORKERS; ATTACKS GRIND TO HALT

BAGHDAD - In a showing of solidarity, members of Baghdad ’s Sunni-based terror squads by more than a 2-1 margin approved representation by the United Steelworkers (USW), the union announced today.

Voting was completed Monday at 12 locations in Bagdhad and outlying areas, where more than 14,000 Sunni terrorists turned out en masse to approve USW representation. In a related development, the UN Command reported earlier today that terror attacks and car bombing incidents seemed to have come to an abrupt halt, as the newest Sunni USW representatives took to the roadsides to picket work conditions, as well as pay and benefit packages being offered by terrorist leaders.

"The credit really belongs to our members and their families, whose solidarity prevented the terror leaders from short-changing them, despite all attempts," USW President Leo W. Gerard said after the vote. Gerard vowed that the strike will continue and all terror activities will come to a halt until the terrorists reach a collective bargaining agreement with terrorist leaders.

BUSH ORDERS RICE TO PROCREATE, SAYS SECRETARY OF STATE MUST SHARE COST OF IRAQ WAR

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush issued an executive order today compelling Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to bear a child she can sacrifice to the Iraq War. The order set no timetables for the conception or delivery of the child. However, it stipulates that the child will become the property of the Department of Defense within twenty-four months of age.

Speaking with reporters at his Pentagon office, Secretary of Defense William Gates welcomed the news. “A two year old with exceptional crawling ability will give us greater flexibility in dealing with the insurgency,” he said.

Critics of the President insist his order is merely a reflexive, knee-jerk reaction to criticism of Ms. Rice by Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California) on Capitol Hill last week. In hearings held before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Senator Boxer chided Ms. Rice, saying the Secretary would not be “paying a price” for the war in Iraq because she has no children, or grandchildren. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow dismissed the remarks of Congressional Democrats as nothing more than naked partisanship. “The President is excited about our new 'Win a Date With The Secretary of State' contest,” he said. “It’s going to give Condi some much-needed down – and I do mean down–time, and it’s going to show the American people that we’re all doing our part to win this war.” Mr. Snow added that he hoped Senator Boxer would follow the example set by Secretary Rice. “The sooner she gets pregnant, the better,” he said. “You never know how soon we’re going to need another troop surge.”

KDKA INVESTIGATES: POLICE RESPOND AFTER WOMAN CALLS COMPLAINING OF “PRISTINE HOME IN OVERBROOK”

CITY POLICE SAY THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT, EVEN THE DOG SMELLED “LIKE DAISIES”

Evelyn Shood, 89, of Overbrook, was awakened before sunrise this morning by a loud knock on her front door from city police responding to a call from a frantic next door neighbor who said she had concerns that something was amiss at the residence.

The neighbor, who refused to give her name, said that if the outside of the home was any indication of what was going on inside, she felt it was her civic duty to call for intervention.

Officer Shane O’Hara, who was just leaving the Caribou Coffee House on the South Side with a giant blueberry muffin as he prepared to report for his 7 a.m. shift, said he was “completely taken aback” by what he saw: an orderly, dust-free home.

According to KDKA reports, Mrs. Shood offered no resistance when Officer O'Hara demanded entrance, and, after politely asking the officer to “wipe his feet,” she kindly suggested he wear a pair of white gloves and sit down with her for a cup of tea.

“It took my breath away. The vacuum cleaner marks in the formal living room were perfectly parallel and evenly spaced. It was like looking at Augusta National. And every bed -- including the one in the spare room -- was made with hospital corners. There wasn’t a hint of mildew in the bathroom. The silverware was spotless. You could eat off the kitchen floor, literally. Even the Tupperware was stacked in a way that clearly demonstrated this woman exhibited exceptional spatial abilities,” said O’Hara.

The woman was promptly issued The Good Housekeeping Seal by the officer, according to KDKA-TV.

Repeated attempts to contact the next door neighbor who placed the call went unanswered at press time.

TOMLIN RETAINS JEDI MASTER DICK LEBEAU AS DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR

PITTSBURGH New Steeler head coach Mike Tomlin today said he will rely heavily on coaching philosophy he learned early in his career while coaching in the Dagobah System.

"Those years coaching the Rebels were invaluable to me," said Tomlin. "Even thought I was young and impatient, I learned to use tools that I may not have realized were at my disposal," he said, casually lifting sportswriter Ed Bouchette in the air with a wave of his hand. Tomlin announced he is retaining defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, pictured above.

CHANNEL 11 RELIVES ITS GLORY DAYS, REPLAYS BUDD DWYER'S ON-AIR SUICIDE ON 20th ANNIVERSARY

CHENEY TO WEAR RAINBOW WIG, HOLD JOHN 3:16 SIGN BEHIND BUSH DURING STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

MIKE TOMLIN SPEAKS

"THE FIRST THING TO GO ARE THOSE SILLY GOLD TOWELS THE FANS WAVE."

RATING: THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACES IN AMERICA

PITTSBURGH - A new Carbolic Smoke Ball study lists the most dangerous places in America. Leading the list are Detroit, St. Louis and outside of Gate "A" at Heinz Field when Luke Ravenstahl attends a Steelers game.

BUCS ACQUIRE LEFT-HANDED MANUAL CAN OPENER FOR CLUBHOUSE KITCHENETTE IN EXCHANGE FOR JOSE BAUTISTA

RUSS GRIMM REPORTED TO JOIN CAST OF HIT SHOW "LOST" FOR FINAL SEASON

IRAQ SUPREME COURT AFFIRMS FIRST AMENDMENT “RIGHT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP” IN NEW IRAQI CONSTITUTION

U.S. OFFICIALS HAIL DECISION AS “FIRST STEP TOWARDS DEMOCRACY”

PITTSBURGH “PLAYERS” COMPLAIN PORT AUTHORITY TRANSIT CUTS GIVING THEM “FEWER WAYS TO LEAVE THEIR LOVER”

CURTIS SLOGAN OF CARRICK DEEPLY UPSET, SAYS “HOP ON THE BUS, GUS” WAS FAVORITE WAY TO DUCK OUT, IF 51C ROUTES RESTRUCTURED, HE MAY HAVE TO CONSIDER “COMMITMENT”
About 100 men and 12 women, reeking of assorted Calvin Klein colognes, marched through downtown to the Hilton Hotel yesterday where they convened with another dozen to join the ranks of hundreds wanting to speak at the first hearing on the proposed cuts to PAT bus routing.

Curtis Slogan, who marched on the front line with another protester carrying a banner that read, "Make a new plan, Dan," says he will face financial hardship if 51C service is scaled back, because he will then have to “pay for dates and flowers and stuff.”

“Do you know how much it is to take a girl out to dinner, man? I can’t afford a girlfriend. I need a way to cut out after a night of knockin' boots, and I ain’t usin’ no Chevrolegs. It's cold out there. Hell, sometimes I'm so far out, I need a transfer. That's a long way to have to walk without having to musk up again,” shouted Slogan, to cheers from the crowd.

Peter Portsmouth, who says he’s had “about 14 girls in the past three months,” concurred. “Why is it everyone’s worried about the elderly? It’s always the elderly and the disabled. We need equal representation, too. I don’t want to be stranded with some broad that may have looked good when I was drunk, but you know, not so good the next morning. That’s the kind of stuff that messes with a guy’s head. Now that‘s undue hardship.”

County Executive Dan Onorato said he and other leaders are doing the best they can to take everyone's needs into consideration. "This isn't easy for any of us," he told the media. "Apparently, it's not easy for the easy, either."

BREAKING NEWS

MIKE TOMLIN NAMED HEAD COACH OF STEELERS, WILL BE FLOWN TO UPMC MONDAY MORNING FOR CHIN IMPLANT

FORMER MAYOR MASLOFF ADMITS THAT OFFICER HOEHN HANDCUFFED AND DETAINED HER IN INCIDENT AT HER BRIDGE CLUB

PITTSBURGH - Former Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff addressed rumors that in the fall of 2005, she was arrested in connection with a disturbance outside the home of her friend, Mrs. Edna Farkowitz, 86 of Squirrel Hill, where she was attending a meeting of her bridge club. Masloff explained that she was caught in a crowd that pushed forward to gain entrance to Ms. Farkowitz's home.

"Myself and other individuals in the front were really not even in control of ourselves," she said. "We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind." Officer Hoehn aggressively attempted to maintain order. "I told him who I was, and I told him I didn't appreciate the way he was treating my fellow bridge players, and I didn't appreciate the manner in which he represented the city of Pittsburgh," she said. "He expressed back to me that he didn't care for my opinion and didn't care what I had to say. But I didn't back down." The former mayor said she used language that he shouldn't have. "I said, 'You're a jerk,' is what I said." But, she added, "at no time did I physically contact the officer."

Officer Hoehn then handcuffed her and took her into Mrs. Farkowitz's living room. She sat, handcuffed and alone, for 10 or 15 minutes, she said. She was then taken into a security office Mrs. Farkowitz maintains in her den, and she and Officer Hoehn shook hands "like men," and agreed they both could have handled the situation better. Mayor Masloff said such incidents are common at Mrs. Farkowitz's house.

FORMER PITTSBURGH BISHOP WUERL ADMITS THAT OFFICER HOEHN HANDCUFFED AND DETAINED HIM IN INCIDENT PRIOR TO ALL SAINTS MASS IN 2005

PITTSBURGH - Former Pittsburgh Bishop Donald Wuerl, now Archbishop of Washington, D.C., addressed rumors that in the fall of 2005, he was arrested in connection with a disturbance outside of St. Paul's Cathedral as he was preparing to enter the church to say Mass on All Saints Day. Wuerl explained that he was caught in a crowd that pushed forward to gain entrance to the Cathedral.

"Myself and other individuals in the front were really not even in control of ourselves," he said. "We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind." Officer Hoehn aggressively attempted to maintain order. "I told him who I was, and I told him I didn't appreciate the way he was treating my fellow Catholics, and I didn't appreciate the manner in which he represented the city of Pittsburgh," he said. "He expressed back to me that he didn't care for my opinion and didn't care what I had to say. But I didn't back down." The Archbishop said he used language that he shouldn't have. "I said, 'You are acting uncharitably,' is what I said." But, he added, "at no time did I physically contact the officer."

Officer Hoehn then handcuffed him and put him into a confessional in the back of the Cathedral. He sat, handcuffed and alone, for 10 or 15 minutes, he said. He was then taken into a security office St. Paul's maintains, and he and Officer Hoehn shook hands "like men," and agreed they both could have handled the situation better. Archbishop Wuerl said such incidents are common at St. Paul's Cathedral on All Saints Day.

PENGUINS REJECT PLAN "B," GOV. RENDELL THROWS UP HANDS AND OFFERS "PLAN WHAT-THE-HELL," HANDS PENS BLANK CHECK

JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, CAN STILL PICK WINNERS

IT'LL BE THE BEARS OVER THE SAINTS BY 25, SAYS "THE GREEK" THROUGH OUIJA BOARD

LAS VEGAS - Welcome aboard to our newest contributor to this news source, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. The Greek has been dead since 1996, but he still has an uncanny knack for picking winners. This news source promises that if at any time The Greek's predictions from the Ouija board are tainted with racism, they will no longer appear on this page. But for now, with the NFL championship games several hours away, The Greek will give you his pick of the day: "Go with the Bears over the Saints by 25. I'm looking for the Bears to execute on big defensive plays, and to run, run, run."