BIDEN CLARIFIES STATEMENT ON OBAMA

WASHINGTON - It’s been a busy week for Delaware Senator Joe Biden. First, he announced that he was throwing his hat in the ring to be the Democratic Party's nominee in the 2008 presidential election. Just 24 hours later, he found himself at the center of unwanted media attention for his statement that presidential hopeful Barack Obama is the “the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Meeting with reporters today, Biden explained his statement.

“I did not mean to say that Barack is the first clean African American,” said Biden. “What I meant to say is that Barack is the first clean African American who is also articulate, bright and nice looking. Certainly, Jesse Jackson seems clean, but he isn’t mainstream. Al Sharpton is articulate, but he’s not very clean with all that gel in his hair. Shirley Chisolm was articulate and bright, but she wasn’t easy on the eyes.” Biden added about Obama: “Believe me, I’ve seen him showering in the Senate locker room, and this may sound a little bit homo, but I think he’s nice looking.”

Last year, Biden was criticized for his statement “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.” Responding to criticism from minority groups that he is not in touch with the challenges still facing minorities, Biden shot back, “Everyone knows that I wasn’t serious about the Dunkin’ Donuts thing. There are lots of Indians working in those little junk shops and gas stations too.”

BIDEN APOLOGIZES TO MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, VAL PORTER, MR. CLEAN

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for Senator Joe Biden apologized today for Biden’s description of Pittsburgh ’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl as “young and dirty.” The spokesperson said Biden was simply trying to spread his own appeal to young people, noting that “'riding dirty' is a good rapster thing, dude." According to a press release, “Senator Biden believes that perhaps a better word for 'young' would have been 'clean.'"

Biden also apologized to WDVE radio personality Val Porter, whom he called "a clean, young thing.” Biden called Porter to apologize. "I should not have called you a 'thing,'" he said. "I forgot my mom’s words to keep the 'thing' in my pants. I should have called you a fresh, young broad.”

Biden reportedly also called Procter & Gamble to apologize for publicly referencing Mr. Clean.

OUR LOOK BACK TO SUPER BOWL WEEK 2006

1/31/06: AMERICA WONDERS: WHY DO PITTSBURGHERS SAY THAT "THE STILLERS" ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL?

PITTSBURGHERS OFFER HUMAN SACRIFICES TO JEROME BETTIS

STEELER GREAT URGES LOCALS TO "COOL IT -- THE [HUMAN] SACRIFICES AND OTHER ACCOLANDES ARE A DISTRACTION" FROM UPCOMING SUPER BOWL

STEELER JEROME BETTIS IS A MODEL OF COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT

BETTIS IS EVERYWHERE, DOING EVERYTHING . . .

JEROME BETTIS PULLS THE SAME "PLEASE-TAKE-ME-HOME" STUNT ON HIS TEAMMATES EVERY YEAR -- AND "HOME" IS WHEREVER THE SUPER BOWL IS BEING PLAYED

LAST YEAR, IT WAS JACKSONVILLE; THE YEAR BEFORE, HOUSTON. THE TRUTH IS, HE'S REALLY FROM HOBOKEN

PITTSBURGH - By now everyone in Pittsburgh, from the most ardent Steeler fan to folks who don't know the difference between a field goal and a touchdown, has heard the heartfelt tale about how Jerome "the Bus" Bettis pleaded with his teammates before last Sunday's AFC Championship game to "take me home" to Detroit, where Super Bowl XL is being played.

What the good folks in Pittsburgh don't know is that Bettis pulls this same stunt every year. He's not from Detroit. The only time he's ever been there is when the Steelers have played there. He was born and raised in Hoboken, New Jersey, on the same street as Frank Sinatra.

Last year before the AFC Championship, Bettis also pleaded with his teammates to "take me home" -- but it was to Jacksonville, which is where the Super Bowl was being played. The year before, it was Houston, and so on, going back to his first year as a Steeler. One Steeler, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Bettis must have more homes than Prudential Realty.

Oh, and that lovely elderly couple that the TV commentators constantly identify as Bettis' parents? You guessed it. They are equity actors hired by Bettis' agent. Bettis has never even met them. And they're not from Detroit, either. After football season, they go back to their real home to act in summer stock theater -- minutes outside London.

PITTSBURGH NEWSPAPER ALL SET FOR ANY SUPER BOWL OUTCOME

2/2/06: CROWD STUNNED AT STEELER RALLY WHEN MTV ANNOUNCES PITTSBURGH HAS BEEN "PUNK'D": STEELERS ARE NOT IN SUPER BOWL

PITTSBURGH - A raucous noon-time rally that packed thousands of joyous Steeler fans onto Forbes Avenue today to root on their team just three days before the Super Bowl quickly turned to stunned silence when it was revealed that the Steelers are not really in the Super Bowl after all but that an elaborate practical joke had been played on the entire Pittsburgh region to make us believe they were. The news was greeted by anger, tears and disbelief. A rash of suicides have been reported throughout the region.

Five minutes after the rally started, just after Jimmy Pol's Steeler Polka had worked the Terrible Towels into a frenzy, Pittsburgh Police escorted an MTV van through the crowd, pictured above. The crowd grew silent and confused as Ashton Kutcher, host of MTV's Punk'd, a modern-day version of Candid Camera, emerged. A giggling Kutcher took to the stage and announced that the entire city of Pittsburgh had been "Punk'd" -- Denver, not Pittsburgh, really won the AFC Championship, and the Steelers are not in the Super Bowl. Kutcher said that the gag was the brainchild of Pittsburgh Post-Gazette writing guru Peter Leo. Kutcher then introduced Jerome Bettis, who emerged smiling from the MTV van to polite, but perplexed, applause. "The Bus" told the crowd that "the joke is on Pittsburgh." The Steelers actually lost to Denver 17-0 "but Pittsburgh never saw the real game," he said. Bettis explained that his two fumbles in that game allowed the Broncos to score two touchdowns "which made all the difference." On top of that, Bettis announced, "I'm not really from Detroit."

Kutcher then chronicled the elaborate steps MTV took to pull off the gag, which is believed to be the most expensive practical joke in history aside from the Kennedy assassinations. In essence, the entire nation was in on it, except Pittsburgh. Every major media outlet fed phony news into the Pittsburgh region for the past ten days. "This obviously was our greatest stunt yet," Kutcher said proudly as the crowd stood in paralyzed, tearful astonishment.

2/3/06: TRAGEDY IN DETROIT: ROSA PARKS' BUS MOWS DOWN JEROME "THE BUS" BETTIS DURING HIS MORNING JOG

FIRST OUTING IN YEARS FOR DETROIT MUSEUM PIECE HALTS BETTIS' TRIP TO SUPER BOWL. STEELER COACH COWHER FINDS IRONY IN "ONE BUS MOWING DOWN ANOTHER."

DETROIT - Popular Pittsburgh Steeler Jerome Bettis, nicknamed "The Bus," was mowed down this morning while jogging by another famous bus -- the one on which civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat in 1955. The Rosa Parks bus usually is on display in the Henry Ford Museum but was put back into commission this week as part of Detroit's Super Bowl festivities. Ironically, it was transporting a group of Seattle Seahawks on a sightseeing tour when the accident occurred. Bettis was immediately carried onto the bus to be transported to a local hospital, but Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren, who is caucasian, refused to give up his front row seat for the Steeler.

2/4/06: SUPER BOWL MAY BE PUSHED BACK ONE WEEK DUE TO DEATH OF AL "GRANDPA MUNSTER" LEWIS

DETROIT - The National Football League is considering postponing the Super Bowl for one week due to the death last night of Al Lewis, 95, who played television's Grandpa Munster on the award winning series, The Munsters from 1964-1966. The NFL has not faced a dilemma of this nature since two days after the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, when it decided to scrap every scheduled game in honor of the fallen President. The Commissioner's office issued a terse statement this morning noting that it was "considering" the postponement "in light of Mr. Lewis' incalculable contribution to the arts as [Grandpa Munster] and in recognition of the unequaled joy he has given generations of Americans through the miracle of re-runs."

2/6/06: PITT STUDENTS RIOTING OVER SUPER BOWL VICTORY ENTICE CMU KIDS TO JOIN IN MAYHEM BY SHOWING THEM DRAWINGS OF MUHAMMAD

2/7/06: PITTSBURGH OVERSIGHT BOARD SEIZES LOMBARDI TROPHY AT STEELER RALLY, PLANS TO AUCTION IT ON EBAY

"THE TROPHY IS A FORM OF TAXABLE REVENUE, AND THE CITY HAS TO GET ITS SHARE," SAYS OVERSIGHT BOARD CHAIRMAN JOHN MURRAY

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers came home today, to the capital of the Steeler Nation, where they were feted by tens of thousands of fans for bringing the Lombardi Trophy back to the Steel City for the first time in 26 years. There were so many Terrible Towels waving that Pittsburgh's Buhl Planetarium says it looked like an ocean of gold from the Hubble Telescope in outer space. Pittsburgh Police were helpless to stop the massive crowd from breaking through the barriers and spilling onto Fifth Avenue, forcing marching bands to proceed practically single-file. Jerome Bettis rode in the last car, clutching the Lombardi Trophy.

When the parade reached Point State Park and a joyous round of fireworks exploded in the cold afternoon air, the champions were startled to see in the crowd the state-appointed oversight board that oversees all expenditures of the financially strapped city. Oversight Board Chairman Dr. John E. Murray approached Tommy Maddox, who was put in charge of guarding the Lombardi Trophy, and demanded that he hand it over. "They claimed that the [Lombardi] Trophy is a form of taxable revenue," explained a perturbed Coach Bill Cowher. Cowher yelled for Maddox to lateral the trophy to him, but Dr. Murray intercepted it. The giant crowd booed Maddox mightily. "Leave it to Maddox to blow the biggest play of the year," said one Steeler who asked not to be identified.

The Oversight Board plans to sell the trophy on Ebay and take the City's share before handing over the remainder to the Steelers.

2/7/06: TWO-HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND FANS JAM GOLDEN TRIANGLE FOR STEELER VICTORY RALLY, HOST GARRISON KEILLOR BOOED OFF STAGE

PITTSBURGH - Over a quarter of a million black and gold faithful filled downtown Pittsburgh yesterday in a raucous celebration of the fifth world championship for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but it began on a rancorous note when host Garrison Keillor was booed off the stage by rowdy fans.

Keillor, the celebrated author and popular host of National Public Radio's Prairie Home Companion, attempted to entertain the crowd by recounting a tale of his Minnesota childhood involving former Chicago Bears running back Red Grange, a Guernsey cow and three bales of hay. Putting his finger to his mouth with one hand and gently flapping his other arm up and down, Keillor began his monologue, only to be repeatedly interrupted by threats, obscenities and imprecations relating to the sexual appetites of his mother. At that point, Keillor threw his script into the air and tossed his microphone to the ground before storming off the stage. Steeler Victory Rally co-host Hugh Downs begged Keillor to return, but to no avail. Downs emceed the rest of the rally by himself. Keillor issued a statement later in the day saying that he "regretted not being able to finish [his] anecdote, because it was wry and winsome. And if there's one thing a good victory rally needs, it's an anecdote that is wry and winsome." Keillor also said he only agreed to host the rally as a favor to his close friend Steeler linebacker Joey Porter. "Joey always has my back when we hit the clubs," said Keillor. "Now we're even."

2/7/06: Message from the Editor: Did anyone happen to find one black, left-hand glove? I dropped it somewhere along the parade route.

IN JACK WILSON'S NIGHTLY INTERVIEW WITH STAN SAVRAN, HE PICKS A DIFFERENT PERSON TO CRITICIZE EACH NIGHT

THIS PAST WEEK WILSON HAS CRITICIZED THE WORK ETHIC OF JOSE CASTILLO; TV TALK SHOW HOST LARRY KING; THE U.S. SUPREME COURT; RYAN SEACREAST; AND FIDEL CASTRO'S BROTHER RAUL

TOMORROW, WE REVISIT THE STORIES FROM ONE YEAR AGO, LEADING UP TO THE SUPER BOWL

This is where we've come, when the big story around town is Jim Motznik's blog? Tomorrow I will revisit the stories this news source covered a year ago, the week leading up to the Super Bowl, and you will see for yourself how far we've fallen in the past year. These stories are not to be missed.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

BAGHDAD URBAN PLANNER WANTS EXPRESS LANE IN AND OUT OF CITY FOR SUICIDE BOMBERS

SAYS TWO-EXPLOSIVE MINIMUM PER VEHICLE WILL EASE TRAFFIC, ALLOW QUICKER ACCESS TO TARGETS, PARADISE

WTAE’S CALL FOR ACTION LINE SWAMPED WITH REQUESTS TO SHOVEL SIDEWALKS, DRIVEWAYS, DELIVER CIGARETTES

RENDELL TO SOLVE TRANSIT PROBLEMS WITH NEW P-210 ROUTE

Governor will transport protestors to each hearing on new bus fueled by Polonium 210; promises Port Authority CEO Steve Bland "problems will be over in days."

A supporter of funding for public transit, after the third hearing:

CLINTON VISIT OVERWHELMS IOWA

DAVENPORT, Iowa -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign swing through Iowa has unexpectedly strained the state's resources. The media horde following Clinton, estimated in the tens of thousands, has overwhelmed airports and hotels, drained the state of basic food stuffs and scotch. Iowa Governor Chet Culver has called out the national guard, issued shoot-to-kill orders prohibiting any more media from entering the state, as well as baring any media already in the state from depleting Iowa's emergency tequila stockpile.

"This really caught us off guard," said Culver. "We're accustomed to presidential campaigns around these parts, but this time the media are like a pestilence. We're going to try dusting them at her next rally to see if we can thin the herd."

Clinton seem unfazed by the swarm following her. "We were prepared," said a spokesman. "We brought our own scotch."

JIM MOTZNIK STARTS YET ANOTHER NEW BLOG

Click here to see it

THIRD MIRACLE ATTRIBUTED TO BARBARO, SAINTHOOD ASSURED

KDKA GEARING UP FOR FEBRUARY SWEEPS WITH IN-DEPTH SERIES ON MIKE TOMLIN'S FAVORITE SOCKS, HOW YOUR FURNACE MIGHT BE KILLING YOU

BARBARO CONTINUES TO INSPIRE EVEN IN DEATH: DERBY CHAMPION VISITS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

TEACHER SUSPENDED FOR HAVING 7TH GRADERS DRAW MR. JOHNSON

MOQTADA AL-SADR OF TURTLE CREEK CONSTANTLY MISTAKEN FOR RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC WHO SHARES HIS NAME

LOCAL MAN SAYS HE'S THINKING OF CHANGING HIS PHONE NUMBER

WHITE HOUSE GIFT SHOP SELLS OUT OF "I'M THE DECISION-MAKER" COFFEE MUGS, APRONS

NEW SHIPMENT EXPECTED TO ARRIVE TUESDAY

BARBARO TO APPEAR ON THE FOOD NETWORK

RENDELL SENDS CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO MARS

LT. GOVERNOR TOLD TO SCOUT POSSIBLE STAND-ALONE CASINO SITES ON RED PLANET

BARBARO LIVES! SPOTLIGHT-SHUNNING CHAMP FAKES DEATH TO LIVE IN NIRVANA OF PINA COLADAS AND BEAUTIFUL BABES

La Dolce Vita! Barbaro seen here with Bo Derek at swanky St. Bart’s resort

LESSONS LEARNED FROM BARBARO'S CASE EXPECTED TO RESULT IN MORE HUMANE TREATMENT OF HORSES

HUMAN-DRAWN CARRIAGE TO TRANSPORT BARBARO TO FINAL RESTING PLACE

GUS THE GROUNDHOG TO CHALLENGE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOR STATE SUPREMACY

“I’m tired of living in his shadow,” Gus says

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Pennsylvania Lottery spokesman Gus the Groundhog will meet defending champ Punxsutawney Phil for the state groundhog championship this Friday. The contest starts at 6 AM on Phil’s home field in Punxsutawney, and thousands of fans are expected to attend.

Phil has long held the state’s number one ranking, but Gus is just behind him in second place. “Gus could surprise a lot of people,” Department of Natural Resources biologist Bob Brenneman said. “Gus looks to be in better shape than Phil, and he’s been doing a lot of scratchin’. That could help him late in the contest. Phil may be taking the challenge too lightly by sleeping all the way up to game time.”

Phil has thousands of supporters in Western Pennsylvania, and he endeared himself to Steelers’ fans in 2006 by emerging from his den holding a Terrible Towel. After a mediocre Steelers’ season, however, it remains to be seen if Steeler fans will come out en masse to support him. Gus, on the other hand, has built up a fan base throughout the state with frequent television appearances and by handing out cash to state residents.

"There’s so many intangibles here,” biologist Brenneman said. “Fan support is important. Weather could be a factor. Phil has championship experience and guys in top hats behind him, but Gus is young and hungry. It could simply come down to who wants it more.”

Governor Ed Rendell will present the championship block of wood to the winner. Both groundhogs are expected to sleep for six weeks following the contest.

WHAT’S EATING JIM MOTZNIK?

PITTSBURGH - This reliable news publication has learned that the source of Pittsburgh City Councilor Jim Motznik’s discontent has little to do with recent allegations against him by local pundit and blogger John McIntire and more to do with a sobering discovery he made while plotting his next political stratagem. A colleague close to the councilor, who declined to go on record, said that the disturbing incident occurred at the District 4 councilor's office when Motznik started fiddling with his computer during a scheduled session of “brainstorming.”

“Hours passed, and, well, we weren’t really getting anywhere with that, so I suggested that he load his official City portrait into myheritage.com, just for kicks -- to see what celebrities he looked like,” said the colleague. “His number one match came back as Billie Jean King.”

Even though King is, by all accounts, one of the most accomplished female tennis players in the sports' history, Motznik apparently was none too pleased that the most famous person he resembled was a self-proclaimed "[gonad]-busting woman" with big, googly glasses.

“As if that weren’t enough, the Web site’s face recognition program also likened him to Jimmy Carter. That pushed him over the edge, resulting in a mild form of traumatic neurosis, I believe, that has him convinced that fellow councilman Bill Peduto is out to get him,” said the colleague.

The colleague avowed that it was at his suggestion Motznik “work through his issues” by blogging.

SHOCKING TRUTH: BARBARO KILLED BECAUSE OWNER REFUSED TO GIVE SINGER JOHNNY FONTAINE ROLE IN UPCOMING WAR MOVIE

SENATE DEBATES NON-BINDING RESOLUTION ON IRAQ WAR, PRESIDENT SUBMITS NON-BINDING RESOLUTION TO KISS HIS ASS

VAL PORTER UNDER FIRE FOR CLAIMING SHE WROTE IMMORTAL POEM "CASEY AT THE BAT," PULLING GUN ON CROWD AT PIRATEFEST

DISTRAUGHT BROADCASTER ACCUSES MIKE PRISUTA, TRILATERAL COMMISSION OF "SABOTAGING" HER

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh radio personality Val Porter is under fire for claiming during a public appearance at Piratefest over the weekend that she, not Ernest Thayer, is the author of the immortal baseball poem "Casey at the Bat." She also faces charges for pulling a revolver on a group of Pirate fans.

Porter read the poem aloud to a group of small children and their parents while the Pirates' beloved mascot, the Parrot, acted it out in pantomime. After Porter was finished, she said she had "something very special I have to get off my chest." She appeared agitated and distraught. "The poem you just heard, which is probably the greatest in all of literature, well, I wrote that poem." (In fact, Ernest Thayer wrote the poem in 1888 while he was a writer for the San Francisco Examiner.) Porter held back tears. "And I know there are people in this room who would prefer I didn't reveal that, but I can't go on living their lie."

Porter's fellow-DVE newscaster, Tribune-Review sports writer Mike Prisuta approached Porter and tried to calm her. "Sit down, Mike," Porter said sternly, pulling a revolver from her jeans. "Frankly, you're part of the problem here." The parrot slowly backed away from her when Porter shouted, "Stop right there, you son of a bitch! Stop and nobody gets hurt." She then removed a dog-eared sheet of paper from her pocket. "Now you're all going to listen to this because I've been waiting a long time to say it." Porter proceeded to read a rambling statement for 45 minutes that, among other things, accused Prisuta, David Rockefeller and the Trilateral Commission of "sabotaging" her and preventing her from patenting certain alleged inventions that "would have saved all mankind from cancer and most other diseases."

Fast-thinking security at the convention center commandeered the public address system and played old Milo Hamilton Pirate broadcasts, which quickly lulled Porter, and most of the other fans at Piratefest, to sleep. Mike Prisuta crept toward her and removed the revolver, then he led her away. "This happens on occasion when she gets overly tired," he told onlookers. "She's been up since four this morning."

MOQTADA AL-SADR WINS BIG DURING RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC WEEK ON “JEOPARDY”

DUCHESS OF CORNWALL RUNS FINGERS ALONG ED RENDELL’S CRACK

PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia sycophants of Prince Charles and his second wife, Camilla, gathered at Independence Hall Saturday and watched in bewilderment as Parker Bowles gingerly slid her index and middle finger along the bifurcation of Rendell’s storied buttocks. The duchess apparently thought press and fans were focused on a warm handshake between her royal husband and Mayor John F. Street.

“I knew she was down to earth, a commoner for all intents and purposes, but I this was something I, we -- none of us -- expected. If anything, I would have gone for the mayor’s ass, but there’s no accounting for taste,” said Royal admirer Bertha Tuckwacker.

Witnesses say Rendell seemed unphased at the “feel,” and responded to the touch by pulling up his pants.

When later asked about the incident, he said he was oblivious to any improprieties on the part of Camilla. “I just thought I was catching a draft,” said Rendell. “The pants, well, they just don’t fit like they used to,” he chuckled.

The royal couple are on a whirlwind tour of the United States because, according to the Royal press office, "they feel a necessity to lend the appearance that they have actual jobs."

Rendell would not comment further on the subject, saying he had to hurry to keep a lunch appointment "with some French-Canadian guy in Pittsburgh who’s been whining about not getting a new arena for his hockey team, or some such damn nonsense."

WILDCAT STRIKE AT RED CROSS SPREADS TO LITTLE SISTERS OF POOR, SALVATION ARMY; VIOLENCE ON PICKET LINES EXPECTED

ALL SIDES DEADLOCKED OVER WAGES, STANDING OUT IN COLD

RAVENSTAHL PUSHES FOR CRIB INSPECTIONS

PITTSBURGH - In a response to City Councilman Bill Peduto's efforts to court the youth vote by demanding more inspections of student housing in Oakland, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl upped the ante this morning with his own plan to inspect every crib in Pittsburgh. The tit-for-tat was the latest in an ongoing escalation between the mayoral candidates, as each tries to curry favor with Pittsburgh's 41 young voters by campaigning on issues they think matter to that demographic.

"Bill can push for all the initiatives he wants," the 26-year-old Ravenstahl said, "but I'll always be able to go younger."

BUCS MODEL NEW RED UNIFORMS AT PIRATEFEST

MAN HIJACKS SUDANESE PLANE, LANDS AT AIRPORT IN CHAD, WORLD STUNNED TO LEARN SUDAN HAS A PLANE, CHAD HAS AN AIRPORT

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT OF THE ARTS TO PLACE JAZZ FANS ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST

WARNS THE ELUSIVE BEBOP LOVER “COULD BE EXTINCT WITHIN TEN YEARS” WITHOUT CONSERVATION; CHAIRMAN URGES CONGRESS TO ESTABLISH PRESERVES, SAYS DIMLY-LIT, SMOKE-FILLED ROOMS NECESSARY TO ALLOW THE JAZZ FAN TO BREED, BROOD