CUBS DEAL CURSE TO PIRATES

CHICAGO - Billionaire Sam Zell announced that he has agreed to buy the Tribune Company, owner of the Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times and Chicago Cubs baseball team, for about $8.2 billion.

A key component of the deal calls for the so-called "Billy Goat Curse," which is widely credited with keeping the Cubs out of not only the World Series since 1908 but completely out of contention, to remain with the current owners, the Chandler family. The Chandlers announced they plan to move the curse to the Pittsburgh Pirates, a move that Pirate owner Bob Nutting confirmed. Nutting noted that the Pirates not only will get the curse but the notoriety that goes with it, an undisclosed amount of cash as well as an excuse for their win-loss record.

ARMY RECRUITING CAMPAIGN AIMED AT SAN FRANCISCO CALLED A SUCCESS

PROF. EMCEE SQUARE BEATS MAYOR RAVENSTAHL IN GREAT DEBATE LANDSLIDE

Saturday, March 31, 2007: "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV -- Special Guests: Carbolic Smoke Ball

MAYTAG HIRES NEW REPAIRMAN

Appliance company was careful to select man who won't be affected by psychological disorders associated with isolation and loneliness

NOW AVAILABLE, THE MOST REALISTIC TOUPEE EVER: THE COMB OVER

"THIS RUG WILL FOOL EVERYONE," SAYS LEARNED HAND OF EXCELSIOR HAIRPIECE CO., "BECAUSE WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT A COMB OVER IS A TOUPEE?"

JENNY LEE BAKERY RE-OPENS, IMMEDIATELY CLOSES AS CUSTOMERS RIOT OVER CONTROVERSIAL 'JESUS' BAKED GOODS

Anatomically-correct cakes and cookies "don't go over" with bakery's traditional customers, says Jenny Lee spokeswoman.

PITTSBURGH'S BLOGGING GURU INADVERTENTLY OUTS PITTGIRL

Carbolic Smoke Ball followed Mike Woycheck of Pittsburgh Bloggers to a secret rendezvous with "Pittgirl" in a dark parking garage. This is the only photograph known to exist of the mysterious author of The Burgh Blog.

RIDDLE OF THE PYRAMIDS, PITTSBURGH CONVENTION CENTER, SOLVED

CAIRO - An architect has developed a computer model solving a mystery that has befuddled scientists for thousands of years. The model proves that Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Khufu was ingeniously built from the inside out.

The same architect has developed another computer model proving that, not so ingeniously, Pittsburgh’s crumbling convention center was built ass-backwards.

BRITS' FATE PLACED ON EBAY

TEHRAN - Iran is taking a more aggressive posture in the tense diplomatic standoff over 15 British sailors it is holding captive. The Iranian government today said it will put the captive sailors up for auction on eBay unless the British government acknowledges that the sailors "are worthless dogs who were seeking salvation in Iranian waters."

Iran dropped an earlier demand that the British government acknowledge the sailors are "worthless, limp-wristed, sissy dogs."

If the sailors are placed on eBay, experts predict that Iran might try to work in concert with North Korea to insure that it is the successful bidder, in flagrant violation of eBay's policy. North Korea typically goes to great lengths to avoid negative feedback on eBay since it obtains most of the material used in its illicit nuclear weapons program from sellers trading on the Web site, so the move could prove risky for it in the long run.

The United States has kept a low profile in the British hostage stand-off. A State Department spokesman said, "This looks more and more to be a matter for eBay to resolve."

LOCAL PARISH RETAINS "CHOCOLATE JESUS" SCULPTOR TO GIVE CHURCH MAKEOVER

STATIONS OF THE CROSS ARE CUT SHORT AFTER THIRD STATION BECAUSE PARISHIONERS ATE REMAINING ELEVEN

"THE REAL WORLD: TEHRAN" PUT ON HOLD DUE TO HOSTAGE CRISIS

MTV TRIES TO SALVAGE SERIES, ASKS PERMISSION FROM IRAN TO FILM BRITISH SAILORS LIVING TOGETHER IN CAPTIVITY, NOTES SAILORS WHO GAVE FORCED CONFESSIONS "ARE REALLY HOT"

BUSH'S STATEMENTS SUPPORTING GONZALES LEAD PUNDITS TO CONCLUDE PREZ THINKS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS WARNER BROTHERS CARTOON CHARACTER SPEEDY GONZALEZ

TIP-OFF WAS BUSH'S COMMENT THAT GONZALES "CAN OUTRUN ANY CAT, HAS A COMEDIC MEXICAN ACCENT, AND WEARS AN OVERSIZED YELLOW SOMBRERO."

McNEILLY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT WILL MAKE HER PIRATES' GM

PITTSBURGH - This news source has obtained a copy of the proposed written agreement to memorialize the settlement between the City of Pittsburgh and Commander Catherine McNeilly, and it contains some surprises.

Under the proposed agreement, in addition to the $85,000 payment to McNeilly and a statement by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that the city supports the First Amendment, McNeilly will, effective immediately, become General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

"If the taxpayers must be screwed out of money we don't have, we figured we might as well get some benefit out of it," Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said. "Plus, she has some good ideas for the team."

McNeilly appeared comfortable with the settlement, and confident she will improve the team's performance by eschewing the "small-ball approach" of outgoing GM Dave Littlefield. "I believe in money ball," she said. "The first thing I'm going to change in batting Jack Wilson in the number two spot," she noted. "I've been in law enforcement all my life, and I know a crime when I see it."

Mayor Ravenstahl is said to be hesitant about signing the written agreement. "He has no problem making [McNeilly] General Manager of the Pirates," Skrinjar admitted. "He's just not sure if he's ready to accept the First Amendment."

PITT SIGNS BARGIN “FREE AGENT” FOR FALL SEMESTER

University Expects More Free Agents In Future

PITTSBURGH -- When Stewart Sutin leaves Community College of Allegheny County as its president later this year, he will move across town to the University of Pittsburgh and oversee a new center on community college leadership.

Pitt’s signing of Sutin comes somewhat as a surprise following the no-confidence vote he received from the CCAC faculty in 2006, but it’s another sign of a growing trend in college faculty recruitment.

“Sure [Dr. Sutin] is a little bruised,” explained Dr. Noah Swayne, Director of Faculty Procurement. “That’s what made him such a bargain. Besides, he’s serviceable and has a few good years left in him, or so we’ve been told.”

With many universities seeing their budgets reduced as expenses grow, they’re looking for ways to stretch the few dollars that are left. They are discovering that high profile has-beens can be hired at less cost than little-known but pricey scholars. "When you get down to it," said one college administrator who asked not to be named, "it really doesn't matter what the new hire knows so long as they're cheap and well-known."

This attitude appears to be widespread in academia. Last month, it was rumored that Penn State was looking to make former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld the director of its ROTC program, but Rumsfeld took a position as head of the Salvation Army instead. Some law schools are already lining up to hire Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should he resign in the coming weeks. Said one law school dean, “Having Gonzales on the faculty will give us the sort of cachet we’ve been looking for. Of course, we think he's a louse, but he's a well-known louse who is damaged goods, so we can probably get him for cheap.”

Swayne called this hiring practice “innovative” and bristled when he was called Pitt’s Director of Scouting. “I have a five PhD’s,” he said. “This is academia. What do you think we are? The Pittsburgh Pirates.”

THE GREAT MAYORAL DEBATE: THANK YOU, PROF. EMCEE SQUARE, FOR HAVING US ON "IT'S ALIVE" LAST NIGHT

VOTE FOR THE CANDIDATE YOU THINK WON THE GREAT MAYORAL DEBATE BELOW

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW TODAY . . .

Click here. This one is not to be missed -- for the first time ever, you will hear the voice of Judge Peckham (the NASCAR editorial)

CARBOLIC MAYORAL DEBATE ON WBGN-TV: SATURDAY AT 10 PM: PROF. EMCEE SQUARE VS. MAYOR RAVENSTAHL

CAPTURED BRITISH SAILOR APPEARS ON IRAN TV, ADMITS JOHN MARK KARR TRESPASSED

"Mr. Karr wanted me to tell you that it was an accident; that he loves both Iran and JonBenét; and that he deeply apologizes for directing the British vessel to enter your waters."

TEHRAN, Iran - Royal Marine rifleman Nathan Thomas Summers, one of the 15 British service members held captive in Iran, appeared Friday on the government's Arabic-language TV and apologized on behalf of John Mark Karr for directing the British vessel to enter Iranian waters "without permission."

Karr, the former American substitute teacher who last year falsely confessed to the murder of JonBenét Ramsey, confessed yesterday to directing the British military personnel to enter Iranian waters illegally. Karr forwarded a written apology to the captured British sailors and asked them to read it to the Iranian people.

Marine Summers was selected to read the statement on television. "Mr. Karr wanted me to tell you that directing the British vessel into Iranian waters was an accident, and that he loves both Iran and JonBenét."

On Thursday, Karr purportedly bragged to police officers in California that "no one could figure out how I got into the Ramsey house, or how I got the British vessel into Iranian waters." That comment led to a police interrogation of Karr, and his subsequent confession. Karr is being flown to Tehran this morning on a commercial airline to face charges of committing aggression against Islamic waters. He reportedly is sitting in first class and drinking champagne while he chats away with his police guards.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he accepts Karr's confession on its face and is now "completely satisfied that the [captured British sailors] were not in any way at fault -- it was all John Mark Karr." Aside from Karr's confession, there is no other evidence of his purported connection to the British sailors or, for that matter, to Great Britain.

TONY BLAIR MAKES STATEMENT DIRECTED TO IRAN

"OK, I'VE RECONSIDERED. I ADMIT OUR SAILORS WERE TRESPASSING IN IRANIAN WATERS. NOW YOU CAN LET THEM GO."

Gonzales Appears Before Senate Panel, Reflexively Fires Entire Judiciary Committee

WASHINGTON -- Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales yesterday denied any role in the dismissal of eight United States attorneys but was tripped up when a pointed question by chairman Patrick Leahy, D- Vt., provoked him into firing the entire committee.

"That's it. Clear out your desks and go home," Gonzales snapped after Leahy asked him if he had ever spoken with White House adviser Karl Rove about the firings.

Several Republican committee members mumbled apologies and began to leave the room before Leahy called them back, saying he did not believe Gonzales had the power to fire a United States senator.

"My understanding is that we're covered under Article I of the Constitution and the executive branch is covered under a separate article," Sen. Leahy told the members. "I don't recall an attorney general ever firing a senator."

Gonzales cited provisions of the recently renewed Patriot Act, the War Powers Act and the warranty on a recently purchased Dyson Vacuum cleaner which he said allow the executive branch to fire members of the senate during times of war "or extreme annoyance."

"What I said about 'you're fired,' it means you're fired. Get out," Gonzales said.

Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., said that he sensed "an impending Constitutional impasse" between the two branches over the firing and suggested a deeper examination of the legal implications "by the members of the Senate who are still in office which, apparently, we are not." He then voted to abstain from a position but quickly reversed himself when other Judiciary members pointed out that no vote was being taken and that, even if there were, apparently they're all fired.

The abrupt dismissal of the committee by the attorney general elicited a mixed reaction. Republican minority leader Dennis Hastert called the dismissals "proof positive that our Constitution works" and called Gonzales' action, "another example of how this administration intends to stand up to America's enemies, whether they are Islamic fascists or ordinary Americans." Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called the action "another reason I plan to punch the next guy I meet square in the nose." Dean then hurled a chair at a television news crew and bit the ear off one of his aides.

COLONEL SANDERS CALLED BACK TO ACTIVE DUTY, COURAGEOUS ROTISSERIAN WILL LEAD QUARTERMASTER CORPS IN IRAQ

WASHINGTON - Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said that Colonel Harlan Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a former commanding officer in the legendary “Fightin’ Fryers,” an elite unit of the U.S. Quartermaster Corps that has provided buckets of chicken to combat troops from Khe Sanh to Kabul , has been called back to duty.

“I am pleased to announce that as part of the President’s initiative to improve the morale of U.S. forces participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom, we have once again given a commission to Colonel Sanders,” said Gates.

Colonel Sanders is scheduled to report to Fort Campbell, Kentucky tomorrow morning. It is not known if the Colonel will forego his traditional dress for combat fatigues. Sanders was wounded by a sniper in Fallujah during his first tour of duty in Iraq, in part because of his unwillingness to wear anything but his trademark white suit and black bow tie in battle. “He might as well have had a bullseye on his back,” said Gates.

Speaking to reporters from the front porch of his old Kentucky home, Sanders was enthusiastic about getting another opportunity to serve his country. “I am certain that my delicious chicken, with its’ secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, will give our boys the necessary nutritional benefits they require to help bring an end to the sectarian violence currently afflicting that troubled land.”

Three C-30 Transport Planes filled with poultry left Bader-Meinh off Air Force Base in Germany early this morning. Members of the quartermaster corps will begin slaughtering the chickens today in preparation for the Colonel’s arrival next week.

FIFTEEN BRITISH HOSTAGES TRADED FOR A-ROD

LONDON - In a last minute pre-season move, the Iranian government is on the verge of completing a complex deal that would send 15 British sailors they are holding captive to the New York Yankees in exchange for superstar Alex Rodriguez.

The Iranians reportedly are balking at A-Rod's $252 million contract, but feel it may be a bargain compared to a minor military skirmish with the British. Ali Larijani, secretary of Iran's Supreme National Security Council, told state television, "[Rodriguez] is only due to make $27 million this year and we could burn that in a few minutes once the shooting starts."

According to sources who asked not to be named, the Iranians will get A-Rod (pictured above arriving at Yankee offices for the trade talks) in exchange for the British hostages; the Yankees will trade the hostages to the Detroit Tigers for pitcher Jeremy Bonderman; the Tigers will release the hostages, who will be claimed off waivers by the British. In return, the Tigers will receive cash, scones and crumpets.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked the Yankees and Tigers for their assistance in resolving the delicate diplomatic standoff. Blair asked: "A-Rod is really going to make $27 million this year?"

SINCE GOING FAST IS THE WHOLE POINT OF NASCAR, THE DRIVERS WHO USE ROCKET FUEL CAN SCARCELY BE LABELED "CHEATERS"

COMMENTARY BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The peevish sports media is up to its old shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to destroy NASCAR, the most popular sport in America, simply because its fan base doesn’t share the media’s big city biases.

Their latest deceit is to label as “cheaters” the heroic drivers who use rocket fuel to make their cars go faster.

We’re sorry, but we thought that speed was the raison d'etre, the sine qua non, of NASCAR. If that’s so, a fortiori, more speed must be better.

Just remember, the sports media is comprised of the same people who decry the use of steroids to help batters hit more homeruns. Need I say more?

SEA WORLD EMPLOYEE ALMOST EATEN BY KILLER WHALE RETURNS TO WORK ON FRIDAYS DURING LENT

SAN DIEGO - Trainer Ken Peters, the SeaWorld employee almost eaten last year by Kasatka, the 5,000-pound-plus female SeaWorld killer whale, is back to work, but only on Fridays during Lent. It is safe for Peters to work those days because Kasatka is Catholic.

ONORATO, DIXON POSTPONE MEETING AT SOUTH SIDE BINGO HALL OVER SMOKING FINE

NEITHER POLITICIAN ABLE TO FIND PARKING DUE TO EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF "PARKING CHAIRS" IN STREET

• MEETING SCHEDULED LAST NIGHT BETWEEN COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO, ALLEGHENY HEALTH DEPARTMENT DIRECTOR BRUCE DIXON, MEMBERS OF LITHUANIAN CITIZENS' SOCIETY TO DISCUSS COMPROMISE OVER $16,250 FINE FOR VIOLATION OF PITTSBURGH'S NEW WORKPLACE SMOKING ORDINANCE DELAYED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE


• IN OTHER NEWS: INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ALSO INVESTIGATING JANE STREET BINGO HALL FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOUNT FOR $30,000 IT ALLEGEDLY SPENT FOR WOODEN STACKING CHAIRS

CARNAK THE MAGNIFICENT DIVINES THE ANSWER BEFORE HE EVEN READS THE QUESTION

"THE ANSWER IS: DR. PERPER'S COUNTY; MOE, CURLY AND SHEMP; AND BILL PEDUTO."

[HE OPENS THE ENVELOPE TO READ THE QUESTION]

"NAME A BROWARD, THREE HOWARDS, AND A COWARD."

BRITAIN ENLISTS NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN AS SPECIAL ENVOY TO STAND FIRM AGAINST IRAN

FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER RECOMMENDS POLICY OF FIRM AND UNYIELDING APPEASEMENT; SUGGESTS PEACE TREATY MODELED AFTER MUNICH AGREEMENT WITH HITLER

EDWARDS' POPULARITY SOARS WITH REVELATIONS ABOUT WIFE'S CANCER, SON'S DEATH

Ex-Senator's strategists scour family medical histories for more tragedies

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAYORAL DEBATE ON WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE" THIS SATURDAY

IT'S THE SHOOT-OUT OF ALL TIME! PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE, HOST OF "IT'S ALIVE," DEBATES MAYOR RAVENSTAHL (BE FOREWARNED: PEDUTO, SOPHIE INJECT SELVES INTO MELEE)

MIKE TOMLIN SINGLE-HANDEDLY CLEARS US AIRWAYS’ LUGGAGE BACKLOG

Baggage handlers file grievance -- “He’s making us look bad,” union rep complains

PHOENIX - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin personally delivered 10,000 bags to US Airways customers yesterday, eliminating a backlog that had lingered since computer and weather issues created problems for the airline last month.

The sequence of events started when US Airways lost one of Tomlin’s checked bags while he was on his way to Phoenix for NFL meetings. Despite promises from the airline that the bag would be delivered within four hours, it never appeared at Tomlin's hotel. Tomlin went to the airport, spotted his bag behind the counter, and dug it out of the pile himself.

“I kept getting the run-around from their call center and the people at the airport. I saw my bag and took it,” Tomlin said. “Then I started tossing bags to other people who were standing there waiting. That’s when some airline people showed up.”

“We could have had him arrested for going behind the counter, but we decided to put his talents to use instead,” US Airways spokesman Michael Chwastyk said. “We gave him a free ride to Philadelphia, handed him van keys and a map, and he took it from there.”

Tomlin sorted the bags, loaded them up, and started driving. Tomlin said the deliveries went smoothly. “Everyone was really happy to get their bags, and I made a ton of money in tips,” he said. “My biggest problem was when I got to the homes of Steelers fans. Everyone wanted to talk about the 3-4 defense, Big Ben, and Joey Porter. I would have liked to discuss my coaching philosophy with everyone individually, but I knew I had a lot more stops to make. Most people understood.”

Tomlin had planned to return to Phoenix tonight, but he is on standby for US Airways’ last flight out of Philadelphia. “Maybe I should have stayed in Minnesota,” he said. “There, I could fly on Northwest.”

Make sure you vote here for the winner of the great Carbolic-sponsored Mayoral debate, Mayor Ravenstahl or Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN-TV's chiller movie show "It's Alive."

CARTER, BLAIR MEET TO DISCUSS IRAN-BRITISH HOSTAGE CRISIS, FORMER PRESIDENT RECOMMENDS DARING, ILL-FATED HELICOPTER RESCUE ATTEMPT

LONDON - President Jimmy Carter met with Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning to offer assistance in securing the release of fifteen British sailors being held hostage by Iran. Speaking to reporters outside No. 10 Downing Street, Carter sounded optimistic that his intervention would bring a speedy resolution to the crisis.

“Even though the Iranian people spent three years hanging, or burning me in effigy on a daily basis, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. I’m sure they feel the same way. After all, I’m no longer just a highly visible symbol of American weakness in the face of Iranian aggression, I’m a Nobel Peace Prize Winner. When I confront the Iranian captors of these British sailors with the awesome moral authority bestowed upon me with the Nobel Peace Prize" – at this point, Carter reached underneath his shirt to reveal the Nobel Peace Prize hanging around his neck, attached to a gold chain – "they will see the error of their ways.”

When a reporter asked if he was concerned the Iranians wouldn’t be willing to take him hostage, Carter dismissed the question. “Just look at how far the Republic of Iran has progressed since I left office. Twenty-five years ago, Iran was a repressive theocracy run by a madman. And today . . .” Carter said, before he abruptly stopped speaking.

Prime Minister Blair interrupted the awkward silence by offering his gratitude for President Carter’s gracious suggestions. “President Carter has recommended an extended period of hand-wringing as the most effective way to bring this matter to a close,” said Blair. “Failing that, the President thinks our best option would be a daring, night-time helicopter rescue, preferably attempted in a blinding sandstorm.” Both men agreed that having James Bond around would make a situation like this much easier.

BAILIFF REPRIMANDED FOR USING ALPENHORN DURING ARRAIGNMENT OF SENATOR BOB REGOLA, YELLING "RE-GO-LAAAAA"

"I'm glad he did it," said a tipstaff who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean c'mon! How many times is he gonna have this golden opportunity?"

PORT AUTHORITY PLANS TO EASE ROUTE ELIMINATIONS, CUTBACKS BY DISTRIBUTING FREE PAIR OF "HEELYS" TO AFFECTED COMMUTERS

ROLLERSKATE-SHOE HYBRID GIVEAWAY PROGRAM PART OF PAT'S NEW "ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES" CAMPAIGN

OSCAR, THE GROUCH, FILES LAWSUIT AGAINST MAYOR RAVENSTAHL FOR HIS "REDD UP" INITIATIVE

LONG-TIME TRASH CAN RESIDENT ENLISTS AID OF PITTSBURGH ACLU'S VIC WALCZAK, CLAIMING CLEAN-UP OPERATION IS INFRINGEMENT ON HIS CIVIL LIBERTIES, RIGHT TO LIVE FILTHY

MAN EVICTED FROM FRICK HOUSE TOUR AFTER ASKING FOR "EXACT COUNT OF STRIKING LABORERS MASSACRED BY MR. FRICK'S GOONS" IN THE HOMESTEAD STRIKE OF 1892

News from the Smoke Ball

On Friday morning, during DVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy, you will hear the voice of our editor Judge Rufus Peckham for the first time ever. He will be delivering an important editorial about the corrupt big city sports media.

JACK RUBY HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE, OFFERS TO GUN DOWN KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED FOR U.S.

BUSH SAYS HE'LL "SLEEP ON IT"

FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT: "HOW I KEPT THE PENGUINS FROM LEAVING PITTSBURGH"

BY MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL - If I stopped to acknowledge all the accolades I've received for my pivotal role in keeping the Penguins in Pittsburgh, there would be precious little time to perform my ministry, serving the people of this great city. But inasmuch as students of the art of negotiation are clamoring for the details, I shall have no peace until I break my own rule, just this once, and provide a summary of the winning techniques I employed.

Despite the Penguins' repeated threats to leave town if they didn't get a new arena, I was determined at all costs not to sell out the people of this great city, so I set out to get the very best deal humanly possible for Pittsburgh. I came up with the idea of holding one last, secret "make or break" meeting at a New Jersey hotel with Governor Rendell, County Executive Onorato and Penguin owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle. Before I could tell anyone my idea, it turns out the Governor must have known exactly what I was thinking, so he called everyone and set up the meeting, which was totally my idea, for March 8.

When we arrived at the hotel, tensions were running high. I decided to send Mario and Mr. Burkle a message right off the bat that I meant business. "Hello, gentlemen," I said with all the warmth I could muster, shaking their hands. That really threw them. For those students of the art of negotiation, pay particular attention to the following point; in fact, write it down: From the outset of our dealings, I adopted the approach of treating the Pens with great warmth and of giving in to their every demand, and I'm sure that totally confused them every time. To be honest, I always felt a little guilty playing mind games like this with them, but then my thoughts inevitably turned to the wonderful people of Pittsburgh, and the guilt vanished.

"Well," I continued, "let's see if we can't cut a deal tonight." You will note that I did not say, "We're definitely going to cut a deal tonight." I purposefully let them think I was ready to walk away without a deal. You see, I was putting on a clinic in "Getting My Way 101."

As the meeting commenced, I made a tactical decision of pretending I didn't quite know what was going on, of being disengaged. I even brought a video game device to play during the meeting, which just blew their minds. The fact is I was studying their every word, their every pause. I decided to let Rendell and Onorato do the talking for the group, but everyone knew their words were inconsequential; the real "negotiation" -- unspoken though it was -- was making Mario and Burkle wonder when I might pounce.

Things got pretty heated, which is just as I planned. At one point late in the evening, Mario asked me what I thought of a certain point. At first I pretended I wasn't paying attention, but this was just to make him repeat it and throw him off. I won't go into detail as to what the point was (I certainly remember it well), but I cleverly said, "I agree with you, Mario," acting like a star-struck schoolboy. Well, this set Mario's mind a-whirl, trying to make sense of my ploy. Immediately, Rendell pretended to become furious with me. He slapped the table, which is exactly what I wanted, and told me to leave the room and go get everyone coffee, which is just as I planned. Mario obviously was so confused by all this his mind could not have known how to react. The amazing part is that Rendell and I never even discussed this strategy in advance.

I got the coffee and purposefully dawdled in the lobby, stopping to watch Jay Leno for a few minutes. All the while I knew what was going on in the conference room: The Pens were working feverishly to conclude a deal before I would come back in the room to get the better of them. By the time I brought the coffee in, they were all shaking hands and congratulating each other. An agreement had been reached on terms that could not possibly be any better for Pittsburgh. And, of course, everyone in that room knew who was the real architect of the deal.

PORT AUTHORITY CUTS TROLLEY TO NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE

INEVITABLE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN DUE TO LOSS OF TROLLEY LINE TURNS GENTLE FRED ROGERS INTO RAVING MADMAN

SMITH AUTOPSY RELEASED

DANIA BEACH, Fla. - Broward County Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper found that Anna Nicole Smith' life force was sucked out of her by the array of human leeches with which she surrounded herself.

Dr. Perper explained: "Ms. Smith's boyfriend Howard K. Stern, her mother Virgie Arthur, ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, bizarre hanger-on Count Frederic von Anhalt and several other members of her entourage accidentally 'leeched' her existence from her, there's no other way to put it, during a buffet lunch that she paid for." Dr. Perper explained that after everyone present at the gathering repeatedly approached Smith for either money or sexual favors, she abruptly collapsed. It then took the group several minutes to remove everything of value from her body, and by the time they stopped bickering and called for medical assistance, she had died.

Perper ruled the official cause of death as "collaborative accidental imbecility," and, therefore, no charges were filed.

ONORATO VOWS TO SHUT DOWN NEW CASINO IF IT ATTEMPTS TO PERMIT SMOKING

"I'M SHOCKED, SHOCKED TO FIND THAT SMOKING IS GOING ON IN HERE."

ANNA NICOLE AUTOPSY SHOCKER: DEATH DUE TO PLASTIC SURGERY ERROR

Buttocks Accidentally Implanted on Chest

PITTSBURGH REPUBLICANS DISCUSS UPCOMING MAYORAL PRIMARY AT ANNUAL SPRING SOCIAL

PARAPSYCHOLOGIST REVEALS MOST HAUNTED PLACE IN AMERICA: THE SET OF WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE"

PITTSBURGH - Internationally renowned parapsychologist Dr. Lucius Q. C. Lamar said he has found the most haunted place in America: the set of WBGN-TV's "It's Alive," a Saturday night scary film fest similar to Pittsburgh's classic "Chiller Theater" that ruled the local airwaves for two decades until its demise in 1983. "It's Alive" is hosted by Mark Menold, who calls himself Professor Emcee Square on the show.

Dr. Lamar said that last Thursday evening, his Ganzfield Meter, which measures alpha wave disturbances indicating paranormal activity, achieved its highest readings ever inside the "It's Alive" studio, on the second floor of Pittsburgh Filmmakers.

"I witnessed firsthand the most disturbing demonic spiritual possession I have ever heard of," said Dr. Lamar. Dr. Lamar said he saw two grown men, one made up as if he were a corpse, the other dressed as a clown, conversing on a set that resembled the one used on the "Tonight Show." Then the clown jumped up on a desk and began to mimic a donkey, repeatedly kicking his giant legs out. Then the corpse-like man jumped atop him and pretended to ride him. "The entire time," Dr. Lamar explained, "the two men acted as if this spectacle somehow was entertaining." Dr. Lamar shuddered at the memory of the event. "I assure you, this was something science simply cannot explain."

BUSH TO ADDRESS STUDENTS AT ST. VINCENTS

LATROBE - President Bush will deliver the 2007 commencement address at St. Vincent College on May 11, the White House announced today. A spokesman for the President said Mr. Bush's speech, tailor-made for Western Pennsylvania, will be titled, "I Hope Yunz Find a Job."

The President's appearance will mark only the second commencement address he has delivered at a Catholic institution of higher learning. Aides speaking on condition of anonymity said they hope this one goes better than Mr. Bush's appearance at Notre Dame University in 2001 when he strayed from prepared remarks and blurted out, "I know everybody thinks all this holy water and rosaries and the Pope are a bunch of Catholic hooey and all, but as I always tell my friends, 'Hey, when we need to kill a vampire, the Catholics are the people we turn to.'"

Officials at St. Vincent said that for inspiration, Bush will also read sections from the classic, My Pet Goat to the graduating students.