BONO KNIGHTED, QUEEN SENDS SIRS BONO, ELTON JOHN AND MICK JAGGER TO TEHRAN ON MISSION TO PUNISH INFIDELS FOR HOSTAGE INCIDENT

CHRYSLER BIDDING BEGINS

NEW YORK - Billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, shown here addressing Chrysler stockholders, is making a second attempt to acquire Chrysler, this time from German owners Daimler-Benz.

In 1998 Kerkorian lost out in bidding for Chrysler after Daimler-Benz invaded Poland, annexed the Sudetenland and acquired Chrysler in a series of stunning tactical moves that caught the west completely off guard.

Kerkorian's 1998 bid was $11.4 billion while his current bid, reflecting the falling fortunes of Chrysler, is rumored to be $24 and a buckskin bag of beads.

Daimler-Benz is rumored also to be looking for a buyer for its U-boat division, Das Boot AG, which has never fared well against the competition.

AFTER STRING OF "HO-HUM" NEWS, WPXI GM RAY CARTER TELLS METEOROLOGIST MIKE LAPOINT TO INVOKE NATIVE AMERICAN WEATHER "TECHNIQUES" TO CREATE MORE BUZZ

"THERE'S A REASON HIS TITLE IS 'CHIEF' METEOROLOGIST," EXPLAINS CARTER, "DANCING AND SINGING A FEW, SIMPLE VOCABLES IS AN ANCIENT, IF LITTLE KNOWN, REQUIREMENT FOR ALL AMS-CERTIFIED METEOROLOGISTS. IT'S CLEARLY SPELLED OUT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION. FURTHERMORE, IT MIGHT DO HIM SOME GOOD TO HELP CLEAR UP THIS 'NORM MCDONALD' IMAGE EVERYONE'S TRYING TO PEG ON HIM."

'URBI ET ORBI': POPE DECRIES BLOODSHED IN IRAQ, NADY'S BOTCHED PLAY THAT GAVE REDS VICTORY OVER BUCS

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI delivered his traditional "Urbi et Orbi" Easter address, described as the Pope's "gift to the world," from the central balcony of St. Peter's Basilica. Benedict read out a long list of troubling current events, including what he called "tragedies" in Afghanistan and Darfur, but saved his sharpest comments for the end.

"Nothing positive comes from Iraq, torn apart by continual slaughter as the civil population flees," the Pope said. "And just yesterday, Xavier Nady, sharing the name of one of the great Saints of the Church, allowed a fly ball to deflect off his glove to give Adam Dunn a homerun, and the Reds a victory over the Pirates." The Pope removed his mitre with uncharacteristic anger and threw it to the ground before storming inside St. Peter's Basilica.

The address was in contrast to the Pope's appearance on the balcony last Easter when he scrapped his annual "Urbi et Orbi" gift to the world in favor of fruitcake. At that time, the Pope made his appearance on the balcony on schedule but stared at his prepared text in silence for several minutes, causing many in the crowd to assume he was ill. Suddenly he looked up and stared straight ahead and muttered in a soft but clearly audible voice, "Hopeless, absolutely hopeless." Then he turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. "OK, Jerry, send in the fruitcakes. I'm done here." Then he brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared. A short time later a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and began distributing fruitcakes to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims.

HAPPY EASTER, FROM THE STAFF OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL


CAR DEALER KENNY ROSS' AUNT PENNY ADMITS TO HOLDING UP BANK

PITTSBURGH - Penny Ross, the 76-year old woman accused of robbing the National City Bank in West Mifflin last year, before leading police on a low-speed chase in the left lane of Agnew Road with her right-turn signal blinking all the while, pleaded guilty Thursday morning in the hopes of avoiding jail time when she is sentenced on June 27.

Ross, long-time pitchwoman for her nephew Kenny Ross' car dealership, was apprehended in March 2006 when she abandoned her vehicle in front of the Old Country Buffet. Authorities theorize she was trying to get in line before the expiration of the lunch-time senior citizen discount.

The elder Ross was released to the custody of her nephew in exchange for a new Chevy Malibu. “My Aunt Penny has been slipping lately,” said Mr. Ross at the time. "But never in my wildest dreams did I think she would do something like this.” Mr. Ross said that his aunt formerly regaled the Ross family with tales about her exploits as a member of the Barrow gang “back in the good old depression days,” but, he said, "we always thought it was just typical, crazy old-people talk. I guess the joke was on us.”

Kenny Ross denied reports that he is looking for a new spokesperson, but he was recently seen dining with former Mayor Sophie Masloff at the Tower Diner in the Gulf Tower.

Attorney Jim Ecker, who is representing Aunt Penny, said his client pleaded guilty even though the charges against her were “preposterous.” Despite being confronted with eyewitness accounts corroborated by no fewer than ten people, a video tape showing Aunt Penny pointing a gun at the bank teller, a large bag of money found in the front seat of the getaway car containing the exact amount of money missing from the National City Bank, and a signed confession from his client, Mr. Ecker remained unflappable. “Even though we entered into a guilty plea, my client is innocent of all charges,” he said, adding that “we look forward to getting a good deal in Court at the sentencing, not unlike the good deal you’ll get from my client’s nephew at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet.” Mr. Ecker predicted his client soon will be “back on the street making her legendary elderberry preserves in no time.”

PGA PROS UPSET ABOUT CHANGES AT AUGUSTA, MINI WINDMILLS AND DINOSAURS ADDED TO FABLED COURSE

AUGUSTA - PGA pros were hopping mad today when officials of the Masters Tournament unveiled significant changes to fabled Augusta National Golf Course that will make the nearly-impossible course even more difficult. Among the alterations are the addition of miniature windmills on five greens and ferocious-looking faux dinosaurs scattered throughout the course. On the treacherous 12th, when the ball enters the hole it will disappear down a pipe and shoot out onto a lower green surface.

With his deep voice and heavy southern accent, Masters Chairman Bradleys Roadhouse explained the changes are an attempt to appeal to a younger generation that has "all but abandoned golf in favor of video games and illicit, filthy sex with their underage partners."

Tiger Woods, for one, finds some of the alterations encouraging, most notably the rule-change where a hole-in-one on the 18th entitles the golfer to either a free game or a dish of ice cream, in his sole discretion.

WTAE REPORTS "JOE DENARDO LOOKING FRESHER THAN EVER" AS HE IS CALLED IN TO HELP WITH TEAM COVERAGE OF UPCOMING "GREAT EASTER FREEZE OF 2007" COVERAGE

NEW KID ON THE WEATHER FRONT, ERIN KIENZLE, ASSIGNED TO TASK OF "KEEPING JOE COMFORTABLE, CAFFEINATED, BREATHING"

BRITISH SAILORS RELEASED

ROYAL MARINE BASE CHIVENOR, ENGLAND - Iran's surprise release of fifteen British sailors it claimed were captured in Iranian waters has ended the tense diplomatic standoff. Arriving in England the sailors described their 13-day ordeal where they were held without tea or crumpets. The sailors said they were only given food that they couldn't pronounce and were appalled by the quality of the place settings and lack of linen napkins. "It was absolute hell," said sailor Simon Massey. "The TV had no remote, the magazines were a week old and you've seen how they dress . . . ."

Even though the British denied that their vessel had violated Iranian waters, sailor Kaye Tunney told reporters, "In the future we will only encroach in the waters of civilized countries like Jamaica, Switzerland or Canada."

JEFF VERSZYLA FACES BIGGEST DECISION OF HIS CAREER AS "FREAK" SPRING COLD FRONT, FLURRIES APPROACH

KDKA HEAD WEATHERCASTER MUST DECIDE BETWEEN WOOLBLEND, MICROFIBER SUITS FOR ON-AIR FORECASTS, COLOR CHOICES ALSO A CONCERN

MOB OF ANGRY PENNSYLVANIANS "SNOWBALL" PUNXUTAWNEY PHIL TO DEATH FOR FAULTY SPRING FORECAST

NEXT ON THEIR HIT LIST:
LOCAL METEOROLOGISTS --
JEFF VERSZYLA
DON SCHWENNEKER
KEVIN BENSON

* No animals were harmed in the making of this photo. Except Phil, the groundhog, who is dead.

RICK SANTORUM EXPLAINS WHY HE JOINED ECKERT SEAMANS LAW FIRM

Santorum says he had to "get out" of law firm he'd been with because the morale, pettiness and backstabbing were so bad he "could not work in that atmosphere another minute." Santorum was a sole practitioner.

GOVERNOR RENDELL MOVES DATE OF 08 PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY TO NEXT TUESDAY

CITES DESIRE TO INCREASE PENNSYLVANIA’S INFLUENCE IN SELECTION PROCESS, INFURIATE PEOPLE OF IOWA AS KEY FACTORS

HARRISBURG - Governor Ed Rendell announced this morning at his weekly news conference that he has decided to move up the date of the state’s 2008 presidential primary.

The new date is next Tuesday.

The Governor offered several reasons for the change. “I think choosing a candidate to run for the highest office in the land is too important to be left to the slow-witted hicks of a two-bit state like Iowa. That goes double for the granite-brained residents of the granite state.” The Governor was referring to Iowa and New Hampshire, two states that have traditionally held the earliest contests for delegates during a presidential election campaign.

“I want to say today to Hillary, and Barack, and Mitt – what the hell kind of a name is Mitt? – We’ve got your delegates right here. Come and get’em!” The Governor said he was taking appropriate measures to allow candidates maximum flexibility in visiting as many communities across the Commonwealth as possible in the six days remaining before polls open.

“I have instructed the state police to waive all speed limits for anyone campaigning for President traveling across our roads for the next week. Also, I have designated all Pennsylvania air-space a free-fly zone, which means candidates won’t have to receive clearance from air-traffic controllers when going by helicopter or commuter jet to and from volunteer fire halls and church basements.”

The Governor’s move comes less than twelve hours since the Ohio state legislature voted to change the date of the 2008 Ohio presidential primary to next Monday.

FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE DENNIS HASTERT NAMED NEW MAYTAG REPAIRMAN

LONELY NON-CHARISMATIC ILLINOIS REPUBLICAN EXPECTED TO SPEND HOURS DICTATING MEMOIRS TO WASHERS, DRYERS

PELOSI DEFECTS

DAMASCUS - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (pictured here expressing concern about finding a ladies room upon her arrival in Syria) unexpectedly defected to Syria during her visit to the volatile middle eastern nation. Citing the "great weather," her fondness for head scarves and well-known penchant for swarthy men, Pelosi requested political asylum from several Syrian diplomats immediately upon her arrival in Damascus. Publicly, the Syrians were non-committal, replying, "First we eat, then we dance, then we talk." Privately, they expressed reluctance. "This dame seems to be a real pain in the ass," they said.

President Bush criticized Pelosi's trip but was delighted by her defection. "It's a great day for America and the citizens of her district," he said. "I'm going to see if we can send Hillary Clinton and that Obama guy to North Korea for a little fact-finding next week. Maybe they'll get ideas like Nancy did."

CHANNEL 11 REPORTER DEE THOMPSON DISPATCHED TO MT. EVEREST IN PREPARATION FOR UPCOMING SNOWFALL

NEWS DIRECTORS AT CHANNELS 2, 4 PERPLEXED BY ASSIGNMENT; HOWEVER, CLOSE FRIEND OF CHOPPER 11 PILOT SAYS IT MAY BE RELATED TO HEARING IMPAIRMENT SUFFERED FROM LONG HOURS SPENT IN LOUD HELICOPTER: "HE ALWAYS USED TO JOKE, 'MT. WASHINGTON, MT. LEBANON, MT. EVEREST -- IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME WITH THOSE PROPELLERS WHIRLING AROUND'"

PITTSBURGH PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA ASSURES RESIDENTS CITY PREPARED FOR INCLEMENT WEATHER; CREWS ON STAND-BY, SALT PILES OVERFLOWING

"WE EXPECT TO HAVE A SURPLUS OF SALT THIS TIME, IN FACT," SAYS COSTA, "AND WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH IT"

RELEASED BRITISH SAILORS VOW TO EXACT VENGEANCE ON IRAN'S PRESIDENT FOR UNJUST ARREST

SAILORS TO "VISIT" AHMADINEJAD ON HIS CAPE FEAR RIVER HOUSEBOAT IN NORTH CAROLINA

IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD RELEASES SAILORS AS 'EASTER GIFT' TO BRITAIN

U.S. DISAPPOINTED THAT ALL IT RECEIVED WAS GOURMET GIFT BASKET

IRAN PRESIDENT TO FREE UK SAILORS, WILLIE

IRANIANS SHOUT FOR RELEASE OF BARRABAS INSTEAD OF UK SAILORS

PITTSBURGH ZOO FINED BY HUMANE SOCIETY

OVERZEALOUS KEEPER PAID HOMAGE TO LE MAGNIFIQUE FOR "SAVING OUR TOWN." DETAILS AT 11.

THE 'T' SETS NEW LAND-SPEED RECORD

360 mph beats record set recently by French train; hundreds die of whiplash in trip from Steel Plaza to Wood St. Station

TONY BLAIR HIRES JIM ECKER TO REPRESENT FIFTEEN BRITISH HOSTAGES

FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY CONFIDENT CONFESSIONS OF GUILT WON’T HOLD UP IN IRANIAN COURT

HILLARY BLAMES HOT FLASHES ON GLOBAL WARMING

CUBS DEAL CURSE TO PIRATES

CHICAGO - Billionaire Sam Zell announced that he has agreed to buy the Tribune Company, owner of the Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times and Chicago Cubs baseball team, for about $8.2 billion.

A key component of the deal calls for the so-called "Billy Goat Curse," which is widely credited with keeping the Cubs out of not only the World Series since 1908 but completely out of contention, to remain with the current owners, the Chandler family. The Chandlers announced they plan to move the curse to the Pittsburgh Pirates, a move that Pirate owner Bob Nutting confirmed. Nutting noted that the Pirates not only will get the curse but the notoriety that goes with it, an undisclosed amount of cash as well as an excuse for their win-loss record.

ARMY RECRUITING CAMPAIGN AIMED AT SAN FRANCISCO CALLED A SUCCESS

PROF. EMCEE SQUARE BEATS MAYOR RAVENSTAHL IN GREAT DEBATE LANDSLIDE

MAYTAG HIRES NEW REPAIRMAN

Appliance company was careful to select man who won't be affected by psychological disorders associated with isolation and loneliness

NOW AVAILABLE, THE MOST REALISTIC TOUPEE EVER: THE COMB OVER

"THIS RUG WILL FOOL EVERYONE," SAYS LEARNED HAND OF EXCELSIOR HAIRPIECE CO., "BECAUSE WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT A COMB OVER IS A TOUPEE?"

JENNY LEE BAKERY RE-OPENS, IMMEDIATELY CLOSES AS CUSTOMERS RIOT OVER CONTROVERSIAL 'JESUS' BAKED GOODS

Anatomically-correct cakes and cookies "don't go over" with bakery's traditional customers, says Jenny Lee spokeswoman.

PITTSBURGH'S BLOGGING GURU INADVERTENTLY OUTS PITTGIRL

Carbolic Smoke Ball followed Mike Woycheck of Pittsburgh Bloggers to a secret rendezvous with "Pittgirl" in a dark parking garage. This is the only photograph known to exist of the mysterious author of The Burgh Blog.

RIDDLE OF THE PYRAMIDS, PITTSBURGH CONVENTION CENTER, SOLVED

CAIRO - An architect has developed a computer model solving a mystery that has befuddled scientists for thousands of years. The model proves that Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Khufu was ingeniously built from the inside out.

The same architect has developed another computer model proving that, not so ingeniously, Pittsburgh’s crumbling convention center was built ass-backwards.

BRITS' FATE PLACED ON EBAY

TEHRAN - Iran is taking a more aggressive posture in the tense diplomatic standoff over 15 British sailors it is holding captive. The Iranian government today said it will put the captive sailors up for auction on eBay unless the British government acknowledges that the sailors "are worthless dogs who were seeking salvation in Iranian waters."

Iran dropped an earlier demand that the British government acknowledge the sailors are "worthless, limp-wristed, sissy dogs."

If the sailors are placed on eBay, experts predict that Iran might try to work in concert with North Korea to insure that it is the successful bidder, in flagrant violation of eBay's policy. North Korea typically goes to great lengths to avoid negative feedback on eBay since it obtains most of the material used in its illicit nuclear weapons program from sellers trading on the Web site, so the move could prove risky for it in the long run.

The United States has kept a low profile in the British hostage stand-off. A State Department spokesman said, "This looks more and more to be a matter for eBay to resolve."

LOCAL PARISH RETAINS "CHOCOLATE JESUS" SCULPTOR TO GIVE CHURCH MAKEOVER

STATIONS OF THE CROSS ARE CUT SHORT AFTER THIRD STATION BECAUSE PARISHIONERS ATE REMAINING ELEVEN

"THE REAL WORLD: TEHRAN" PUT ON HOLD DUE TO HOSTAGE CRISIS

MTV TRIES TO SALVAGE SERIES, ASKS PERMISSION FROM IRAN TO FILM BRITISH SAILORS LIVING TOGETHER IN CAPTIVITY, NOTES SAILORS WHO GAVE FORCED CONFESSIONS "ARE REALLY HOT"

BUSH'S STATEMENTS SUPPORTING GONZALES LEAD PUNDITS TO CONCLUDE PREZ THINKS ATTORNEY GENERAL IS WARNER BROTHERS CARTOON CHARACTER SPEEDY GONZALEZ

TIP-OFF WAS BUSH'S COMMENT THAT GONZALES "CAN OUTRUN ANY CAT, HAS A COMEDIC MEXICAN ACCENT, AND WEARS AN OVERSIZED YELLOW SOMBRERO."

McNEILLY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT WILL MAKE HER PIRATES' GM

PITTSBURGH - This news source has obtained a copy of the proposed written agreement to memorialize the settlement between the City of Pittsburgh and Commander Catherine McNeilly, and it contains some surprises.

Under the proposed agreement, in addition to the $85,000 payment to McNeilly and a statement by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that the city supports the First Amendment, McNeilly will, effective immediately, become General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

"If the taxpayers must be screwed out of money we don't have, we figured we might as well get some benefit out of it," Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said. "Plus, she has some good ideas for the team."

McNeilly appeared comfortable with the settlement, and confident she will improve the team's performance by eschewing the "small-ball approach" of outgoing GM Dave Littlefield. "I believe in money ball," she said. "The first thing I'm going to change in batting Jack Wilson in the number two spot," she noted. "I've been in law enforcement all my life, and I know a crime when I see it."

Mayor Ravenstahl is said to be hesitant about signing the written agreement. "He has no problem making [McNeilly] General Manager of the Pirates," Skrinjar admitted. "He's just not sure if he's ready to accept the First Amendment."

PITT SIGNS BARGIN “FREE AGENT” FOR FALL SEMESTER

University Expects More Free Agents In Future

PITTSBURGH -- When Stewart Sutin leaves Community College of Allegheny County as its president later this year, he will move across town to the University of Pittsburgh and oversee a new center on community college leadership.

Pitt’s signing of Sutin comes somewhat as a surprise following the no-confidence vote he received from the CCAC faculty in 2006, but it’s another sign of a growing trend in college faculty recruitment.

“Sure [Dr. Sutin] is a little bruised,” explained Dr. Noah Swayne, Director of Faculty Procurement. “That’s what made him such a bargain. Besides, he’s serviceable and has a few good years left in him, or so we’ve been told.”

With many universities seeing their budgets reduced as expenses grow, they’re looking for ways to stretch the few dollars that are left. They are discovering that high profile has-beens can be hired at less cost than little-known but pricey scholars. "When you get down to it," said one college administrator who asked not to be named, "it really doesn't matter what the new hire knows so long as they're cheap and well-known."

This attitude appears to be widespread in academia. Last month, it was rumored that Penn State was looking to make former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld the director of its ROTC program, but Rumsfeld took a position as head of the Salvation Army instead. Some law schools are already lining up to hire Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should he resign in the coming weeks. Said one law school dean, “Having Gonzales on the faculty will give us the sort of cachet we’ve been looking for. Of course, we think he's a louse, but he's a well-known louse who is damaged goods, so we can probably get him for cheap.”

Swayne called this hiring practice “innovative” and bristled when he was called Pitt’s Director of Scouting. “I have a five PhD’s,” he said. “This is academia. What do you think we are? The Pittsburgh Pirates.”

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW TODAY . . .

Click here. This one is not to be missed -- for the first time ever, you will hear the voice of Judge Peckham (the NASCAR editorial)

CARBOLIC MAYORAL DEBATE ON WBGN-TV: SATURDAY AT 10 PM: PROF. EMCEE SQUARE VS. MAYOR RAVENSTAHL

CAPTURED BRITISH SAILOR APPEARS ON IRAN TV, ADMITS JOHN MARK KARR TRESPASSED

"Mr. Karr wanted me to tell you that it was an accident; that he loves both Iran and JonBenét; and that he deeply apologizes for directing the British vessel to enter your waters."

TEHRAN, Iran - Royal Marine rifleman Nathan Thomas Summers, one of the 15 British service members held captive in Iran, appeared Friday on the government's Arabic-language TV and apologized on behalf of John Mark Karr for directing the British vessel to enter Iranian waters "without permission."

Karr, the former American substitute teacher who last year falsely confessed to the murder of JonBenét Ramsey, confessed yesterday to directing the British military personnel to enter Iranian waters illegally. Karr forwarded a written apology to the captured British sailors and asked them to read it to the Iranian people.

Marine Summers was selected to read the statement on television. "Mr. Karr wanted me to tell you that directing the British vessel into Iranian waters was an accident, and that he loves both Iran and JonBenét."

On Thursday, Karr purportedly bragged to police officers in California that "no one could figure out how I got into the Ramsey house, or how I got the British vessel into Iranian waters." That comment led to a police interrogation of Karr, and his subsequent confession. Karr is being flown to Tehran this morning on a commercial airline to face charges of committing aggression against Islamic waters. He reportedly is sitting in first class and drinking champagne while he chats away with his police guards.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he accepts Karr's confession on its face and is now "completely satisfied that the [captured British sailors] were not in any way at fault -- it was all John Mark Karr." Aside from Karr's confession, there is no other evidence of his purported connection to the British sailors or, for that matter, to Great Britain.

TONY BLAIR MAKES STATEMENT DIRECTED TO IRAN

"OK, I'VE RECONSIDERED. I ADMIT OUR SAILORS WERE TRESPASSING IN IRANIAN WATERS. NOW YOU CAN LET THEM GO."