PARIS HILTON, ROSIE O'DONNELL NIX MODELING GIGS FOR PLAYBOY
HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton told Larry King she will not pose for Playboy out of consideration for the young girls who have made her a role model. Rosie O’Donnell’s publicist rejected a similar offer and said the outspoken talk show maven will not pose for Playboy out of consideration for Hugh Heffner’s heart condition.
TRANSCRIPTS RELEASED OF CHIEF NATE HARPER'S INTERVIEWS FOR COMMANDER POSITION
Chief Harper: "Don't worry, sir, all that Holocaust business, that was a lifetime ago -- that's over with. I'm going to evaluate your entire record."
TRINITY CATHEDRAL STOPS EXTERIOR RESTORATIONS MIDWAY THROUGH PROJECT
EPISCOPAL CHURCH REPORTS THAT NEW BLACK AND GOLD LOOK HAS ALREADY INCREASED DAILY SERVICE ATTENDANCE BY 40%. PARISHIONERS TO COMMISSION STUDY ON REPLACING SAINTS ON STAINED GLASS WINDOWS WITH FRANCO HARRIS IMAGE
WTAE WEATHER WATCH FOUR TO BEGIN WEEKLY VISITS TO CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES
PITTSBURGH - WTAE News Director Bob Longo announced that members of Weather Watch Four would begin making visits to correctional facilities around the area this summer until school resumes in the fall. WTAE meteorologist Stephen Cropper is scheduled to visit the State Correctional Institute in Fayette County this Friday. Mr. Cropper says he’s looking forward to the trip. “ I did a stretch in Folsom Prison a while back, so this is going to be like old times for me.” Mr. Cropper was convicted of criminal homicide after he shot a man in Reno , in his words, “just to watch him die.” His sentence was later commuted by Governor Gray Davis.
“I’ll have my maps, some charts, and of course, my shiv,” said Cropper. “I plan on talking about weather to the inmates in a way that they’ll find relevant.” Cropper said that included providing information on how barometric pressure may affect a person’s ability to dig a tunnel, or what type of front would produce the optimum amount of fog needed to make a successful escape. Following his visit to SCI Fayette, Cropper plans to make stops at SCI Albion, SCI Graterford, and the newly reopened Western Penitentiary on Pittsburgh ’s North Side. “It’s going to be a great summer,” said Cropper. “Hanging out with hardened criminals and vicious sociopaths, talking weather and having fun.”
MISSING PITT STUDENT FOUND IN NATIONAL PARK, REUNITED WITH ‘FAMILY’
“We don’t know who this guy is,” said a family member. “We’re hoping the police come back and take him away.”
STARBUCKS ANNOUNCES PLAN TO ELIMINATE LONG LINES, WAIT TIME
Express service to sell empty coffee cup for $2“This is great – I just enjoy spending the money and holding the cup.” -- Starbucks patron Marylyn Swayne
COWHER TOP CANDIDATE TO BECOME BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH
RALEIGH - While Bill Cowher was holding top-secret discussions with officials from the Washington Redskins, Carolina Panthers and Cleveland Browns, a parallel battle for his services has been brewing. Cowher's agent has been involved in secret talks with the Vatican concerning the vacant Bishop's position at the Diocese of Pittsburgh. The agent then met with the Presbyterian Church (USA) regarding its top Pittsburgh post. Cowher also is under consideration by the conservative Evangelical Presbyterian Church (EPC), which is a new league being formed by players from the mainstream Presbyterian league.
Cowher's infallibility is the main attraction for the Catholics, while the rival Presbyterian organizations just want to make each other look bad.
Speculation that Cowher is leaning toward the Archbishop position was fueled by his recent appearance on the Mother Angelica program. This has raised the hopes of local Catholics, including the Rooney family. However the Presbyterians have not finalized their offer and the Browns are betting that football, as well as the opportunity to point out to the Rooneys just how valuable his services are, will prove to be more alluring to the coach than eternal salvation.
Cowher's infallibility is the main attraction for the Catholics, while the rival Presbyterian organizations just want to make each other look bad.
Speculation that Cowher is leaning toward the Archbishop position was fueled by his recent appearance on the Mother Angelica program. This has raised the hopes of local Catholics, including the Rooney family. However the Presbyterians have not finalized their offer and the Browns are betting that football, as well as the opportunity to point out to the Rooneys just how valuable his services are, will prove to be more alluring to the coach than eternal salvation.
PIRATES JOIN NEWLY FORMED T-BALL LEAGUE
PITTSBURGH - Pirates CEO Bob Nutting announced that the Pirates will leave the National League and become one of the founding members of a new "Major League T-Ball Association." Nutting said the team "hopes to be competitive, at least in a couple of years."
PIRATES ACTIVATE WASDIN FROM DISABLED LIST, ANNOUNCE WASDIN BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT
“We’re a much better ball club with Wasdin on the mound.” -- Pirates General Manager Dave LittlefieldPirates fans react: “Great, another give-away!”
MAJORITY OF DUKE'S 'GANG OF 88' SUFFERING FROM ACUTE DEPRESSION SINCE LACROSSE PLAYERS' ACQUITTAL
"Then, the news that the Virginia Tech shooter was not a Caucasian male nearly sent them over the edge," said Duke President BroadheadDURHAM - Last night, for at least the tenth time Paula McClain dreamed she was presiding over the castration of the three former Duke University Lacrosse players who were declared innocent by North Carolina's attorney general last April of all charges stemming from an alleged rape of a black stripper.
"They're lying on their backs on slabs, and I'm bringing the [castrating] device down on one of them," McClain says. "I'm just at the point where I'm about to snip-snip, when I awaken. The euphoria of punishing these evildoers quickly vanishes and I realize it was just a dream. Then I slink back into a very, very dark place."
McClain is one of the so-called "Gang of 88" Duke professors who signed off on an ad in the Duke Chronicle last year that many have interpreted as condemning the accused players before the facts were adjudicated. Thereafter, the prosecution's case unraveled and the District Attorney, Mike Nifong, was disbarred for pursuing the charges without evidence.
Since the players' acquittal in April, fifty-nine of the "Gang of 88" have been hospitalized for varying forms of depression.
Professor McClain's case is illustrative. Duke President Richard Broadhead went to McClain's office early one morning last week and found her lying on a couch, unkempt and unshaven, with a revolver in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. Vomit was strewn about the floor.
"It's disheartening because [McClain] is one of the most popular professors on campus," Broadhead said. "I say that even though none of Duke's students are aware she is one of the most popular, aside from the eight who enrolled in her class last semester." Broadhead granted McClain a leave of absence to undergo intense electro-shock therapy for depression stemming from the acquittal, but he fears the only thing that will restore her to her pre-acquittal state is the election of Hillary Clinton as President.
Many of the other "88" have fared just as badly, and it didn't help that five days after the acquittal, Seung-Hui Cho went on a killing rampage at Virginia Tech. "When the '88' heard about [the Virginia Tech shootings], they anxiously awaited news that the shooter was a Caucasian male," said Broadhead. "One can only imagine how devastated they were when they learned he was Asian. They were already in a fragile state and, frankly, they didn't need that."
ZOO'S JACKSON THE ELEPHANT HIT WITH PATERNITY SUITS IN ORLANDO, INDIANAPOLIS AND LOUISVILLE
DNA tests confirm he is the father of three more elephants; chagrined zoo officials say they will talk to him about "being more responsible and always using protection, but you gotta admire how he gets around."
GREG BROWN BEGINS TO HYPERVENTILATE WHILE DESCRIBING BACKYARD BIRD ACTIVITY TO NEIGHBORS
PIRATES PHYSICIAN URGES BUCCO ANNOUNCER TO REDUCE SUGAR, CAFFEINE CONSUMPTIONPITTSBURGH - Pirates announcer Greg Brown was overwhelmed with emotion and suffered severe chest pains while describing a robin’s visit to his backyard feeder last weekend, neighbors said.
“A bunch of us were chatting in the cul-de-sac when we saw Greg running towards us,” said Mr. David Corbett. “He told us he had observed a robin descend from the branch of an oak tree, take a few seeds in his beak and return to the branch. Only he told us about it the way he usually tells us about everything. 'HERE COMES THE ROBIN -- SHE’S HEADING FOR THE FEEDER -- SHE’S GOT THE SEED AND NOW SHE’S HEADING BACK TOWARD THE NEST! SHE’S CHEWING THE SEED! -- AND NOW SHE’S REGURGITATING THE SEED AND PLACING IT INTO HER BABIES BEAKS! OH, MY! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!'”
Mr. Corbett said at that point Mr. Brown began frothing at the mouth, placed his hand over his sternum, and collapsed. He was taken to North Hills Passavant Hospital and released, after nurses complained that he refused to stop shouting at the top of his lungs when providing insurance information. Dr. Michael Loftus, team physician, said the ball club has asked Mr. Brown to reduce the amount of sugar and caffeine he consumes. “Greg is a pretty excitable guy anyway,” said Dr. Loftus. “He doesn’t need any help.”
MOONDA POINTS TO GRASSY KNOLL
AKRON, Ohio - Donna Moonda's defense team concedes that "overwhelming evidence" shows she conspired with her paramour Damian Bradford to murder her husband, Dr. Gulam Moonda. Nevertheless, they claim that Dr. Moonda was actually killed by an unidentified gunman with no connection to the conspiracy who fired a shot from a nearby grassy knoll. While prosecutors say that the shots could only have come from Bradford's gun, Moonda's attorneys contend that the gunman on the grassy knoll fired a "magic bullet" that traveled across traffic, directly alongside Bradford's gun, struck Dr.Moonda and landed in the back seat of the Moonda's car where it was found in pristine condition.
Moonda's defense team scoffs at Bradford's confession, in which he stated: "I shot him, nobody else, just me. From about four feet away, I couldn't miss. And by the way, it was her idea." Moonda's lawyers say that Bradford could not have seen the gunman because the shooter was directly behind him. They also note that the bullet is "magic," rendering it impossible for Bradford to detect. Her attorneys cite "Fair Play For Cuba" leaflets found on the grassy knoll as well as a damaged fence as evidence of the gunman's existence.
Moonda smiled as her team presented their defense. At one point she asked the judge, "Can I go now?" The judge reminded her that there were still "some procedural matters, deliberation, verdict, really just details" that had to be attended to before he could allow her departure.
PIRATES SIGN CADAVER FROM CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER EXHIBITION
"JUST FROM THE LOOK OF HIM, WE CAN TELL HE HAS GREAT SPEED," SAID DAVE LITTLEFIELD, "AND HE'S IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ANYONE ON THE ROSTER. BEST OF ALL, WHEN WE MADE OUR OFFER, HE DIDN'T MAKE A COUNTER-DEMAND."
BIG CROWDS DRAWN TO NORTH SHORE TO SEE CADAVERS
. . . NOT THE EXHIBIT AT THE SCIENCE CENTER, BUT THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES
RESIGNING CITY DEPARTMENT HEADS LAND JOBS AT SCIENCE CENTER CADAVER SHOW
GUY COSTA: "IT IS A BIT DEGRADING TO BE STANDING AROUND NAKED ALL DAY, BUT MAYBE AT LAST PEOPLE WILL SEE THE HUGE CONTRIBUTION I'VE BROUGHT TO THE CITY ALL THESE YEARS."
RODIN STATUE VANDALIZED, REVEALS BUFF MODEL
PARIS - Vandals in Paris who tossed acid on The Thinker this week unwittingly revealed one of the art world's most closely guarded secrets: Rodin didn't sculpt the famous work of art, he simply poured bronze over a live male model, possibly his longtime studio "assistant," Phillipe. "Rodin may have just been in a hurry, or perhaps this was just a little prank," said art historian Jean LaBouche of the Musee Rodin. "But the fact of the matter is, Rodin was a murderer," he chuckled.
DESPERATE JIM ECKER MAKES PUBLIC APPEAL FOR COMMISSION OF HORRIFIC CRIME
“I HAVEN’T BEEN ON TELEVISION IN OVER A WEEK,” COMPLAINS FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY
PITTSBURGH - A somber Jim Ecker met with reporters in his downtown office this morning to ask for assistance in maintaining a high public profile. “It’s been over one week, and no one has had the decency to commit a barbaric act against a helpless member of our community,” lamented Ecker. “I’m starting to get nervous. Do you realize how much it costs to spend fourteen hours a day in a tanning salon?”
Mr. Ecker said something needed to be done, and soon. “If there are any sociopaths out there contemplating a murderous spree, don’t put it off any longer. Do it today.” The well-known attorney was asked what it would take to get him back on the evening news. “Best case scenario, an illegal immigrant mows down a group of elderly VFW members on their way into Jerome Bettis’s restaurant. That would infuriate the maximum amount of people, and keep my face on screen for days.” Asked if he wanted the illegal immigrant to slaughter a litter of puppies and kittens before being apprehended by police, Ecker’s eyes lit up. “I hadn’t thought of that,” he said, leaning forward in his chair. “That’s a nice touch!”
While the horrific act requested hasn’t yet been committed, one thing remains certain. “My client will be extremely remorseful,” said Ecker. “And innocent of all charges.”
Editor's note: Mr. Ecker was retained to represent one of the Larimer mothers whose children died in a fire after being left alone.
VATICAN ADDS AN ELEVENTH "DRIVING COMMANDMENT" FOR DIOCESE OF PITTSBURGH
XI: Thou shalt maintain speed while traveling through tunnels
SOLZHENITSYN TO WED AUNT PENNY, LEGENDARY SOVIET DISSIDENT WILL DO COMMERCIAL WORK FOR KENNY ROSS CHEVROLET
MOSCOW - Alexander Solzhenitsyn, legendary Soviet dissident and Nobel Prize winning author, wed Aunt Penny, legendary spokesperson for a popular Pittsburgh automobile dealership, in the Cathedral of the Czars yesterday. It is the second marriage for both. Mr. Solzhenitsyn’s marriage to his first wife, Miss Vicki, ended when the couple divorced in 1975. Aunt Penny’s first husband, notorious bank robber John Dillinger, was killed by Federal agents outside of the Biograph Theater in Chicago in 1934.
Solzhenitsyn, known for his gruff demeanor with reporters, was effusive when addressing the media on the Cathedral steps following the ceremony. “If not for the steady supply of Penny’s delicious homemade elderberry preserves that I received during my time in the camps, I would have never survived,” he said. “In a sense, then, I suppose this dear woman should receive credit for the dissolution of the Soviet empire.”
Aunt Penny stood at her new husband’s side, smiling. “I can’t wait until Alex meets my nephew Kenny,” she said. “I know he didn’t get a fair deal from those Commies, but he’ll always get a fair deal from Kenny, and you will, too!” Following a honeymoon in Tijuana, the couple plan to reside in Upper St. Clair .
U.S. ATTORNEY MARY BETH BUCHANAN FLEES TO ISRAEL
FLIGHT CALLED "SURPRISING" IN LIGHT OF BUCHANAN'S STATEMENT THAT DR. CYRIL WECHT WAS "FLIGHT RISK TO ISRAEL"
ROONEYS DEMAND EVERYONE OUT OF THE NORTH SIDE BY MIDNIGHT
Steelers owners annex entire area from observatory hill to the north shorePITTSBURGH - A flood of refugees streamed across the bridges spanning the Allegheny and Ohio Rivers today after the Rooney Family announced it is taking over the entire North Side with a midnight deadline for businesses and individuals to get out.
Steelers patriarch Dan Rooney explained that the Rooney family "was left no choice" because the family's complaints have gone unheeded regarding the traffic congestion they claim will be generated by the proposed Majestic Start casino. “Look, the politicians forced our hand. We need breathing room. So everybody out!”
Rooney saved his most scathing remarks for the mayor. “Do you know who I am? I’m Dan Rooney! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!”
A spokesman for the Rooney family said there has been no decision as to whether their newly acquired property will be organized as a city, a state or a kingdom.
RAVENSTAHL INVITED SELF TO SEE TIGER -- AND TIGER'S WIFE: BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE MAYOR
TIGER FINISHES IN SECOND PLACE FOR SECOND TIME THIS WEEK
Presidential Candidate Tom Tancredo Criticized for Hunting Mexicans from Air
Republican presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., was criticized by both human rights and sportsmen’s groups today for sponsoring an airborne hunt of suspected Mexican immigrants along the Arizona border.“This is a despicable act unworthy of a free society and allows his quarry no cover, depriving this so-called ‘hunt’ of any true sporting quality,” said a joint statement by Amnesty International and the Alliance of Southwest Rod and Gun Clubs.
Tancredo, a longstanding opponent of unfettered immigration and an avid hunter, took a party of four other members of the congressional immigration caucus aboard a twin-engine airplane from which they bore down on flocks of Mexicans along the border.
“I was able to bag an older male leading a group of females just north of the border. He dove for the bush and, despite what these critics say, it’s hard to hold the scope steady at that distance. It must have taken four shots before I caught him in the leg,” Tancredo said.
Another congressman along for the hunt complained that a combination of record high temperatures and increased patrols by the Department of Homeland Security had driven the game too far south for a legal hunt.
“Frankly, development had put such a stress on the native Mexican population that we might consider a moratorium to allow the herd to repopulate before trying this again,” the congressman said, speaking on condition of anonymity until Arizona’s homicide statutes are clarified.
The hunt triggered anger by human rights advocates, who called it inhumane, and hunting organizations who have long been divided over airborne hunting ever since the Eskimo population was destroyed by a congressional hunting trip in the Aleutian Islands three decades ago.
“Can you imagine the horror of a destitute family crossing a border only to be fired on from above, then watching as the slain are field cleaned and their pelts taken?” the joint statement reads. “We have no reason to believe that Mr. Tancredo will keep his word that he is only going to take enough to resupply his freezer.”
Tancredo rejected the criticism, saying he always eats his kill and that sound immigration and land management practices both dictate that the herd of Mexicans fleeing poverty for low-wage jobs must be thinned.
“They’d probably just starve to death in the winter,” he said.
Bloomberg Bolts GOP
NEW YORK - New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday officially switched his party status from Republican to Loose Cannon, a move that should bolster his chances for an anticipated independent presidential bid. Bloomberg held an impromptu news conference at noon today where it was expected he would announce his candidacy for President. Instead he appeared with veteran actor Ray Walston "to dispel rumors that we are the same person."
Analysts say that Bloomberg lacks the paranoia that attracted voters to Ross Perot and the personality void that fueled Ralph Nader's recent campaigns. However, experts predict the major party candidates will easily pick up the slack in the 'social dysfunction scale' during the 2008 race.
Bloomberg explained that his decision to switch parties was influenced by the fact that he was the last Republican in New York City.
Bloomberg explained that his decision to switch parties was influenced by the fact that he was the last Republican in New York City.
HIGHLIGHT OF GEORGE BENSON-AL JARREAU CONCERT: O DANNY BOY
“Jazz has run its course – we’re givin’ it up.” -- Pittsburgh native George Benson after last night’s concert at Heinz Hall (Editor’s note: Givin It Up is the name of the CD Benson recorded with Jarreau.)
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