EX-STAR OF 'THIS OLD HOUSE' LEADS REPAIR MISSION ABOARD SECOND SHUTTLE
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Bob Vila, former star of television's pioneering home improvement show This Old House, blazed into space today aboard the space shuttle Discovery on a mission to repair the deep gouge in the belly of the space shuttle Endeavour.Vila said he has a game-plan for repairing the damaged vessel. "I'm definitely not using common drywall joint compounds like you'd buy off the shelf at Home Depot or Loews because my research shows they'd bond poorly in outer space," Vila explained. "Instead, I'll be using patching plaster or maybe even plaster of Paris, we'll have to see what kind of mood I'm in." Vila is having his mission filmed for a possible television series called This Old Spaceship.
WPXI SCOOPED BY OTHER TV STATIONS ON THE OPENING OF ITS OWN NEW BUILDING
PITTSBURGH - Despite an intimate knowledge of the construction schedule and exclusive access to the facility, WPXI was still beaten to the punch by the other local new stations in reporting the opening of its new headquarters. Both KDKA and WTAE reported the opening of the North Hills location and congratulated their rival.
WPXI news director Corrie Harding was clearly disappointed that his journalists were not able to break the story.
“Perhaps we were just a little too close to the story,” Harding offered. “We’re constantly on the look out for stories to fill our 11 minutes of uninterrupted news. But this one just slipped through the cracks.”
WPXI plans to make up for the gaffe by referring to the studios as “new” on-air for the next five years, as opposed to the one year they had originally planned.
WPXI news director Corrie Harding was clearly disappointed that his journalists were not able to break the story.
“Perhaps we were just a little too close to the story,” Harding offered. “We’re constantly on the look out for stories to fill our 11 minutes of uninterrupted news. But this one just slipped through the cracks.”
WPXI plans to make up for the gaffe by referring to the studios as “new” on-air for the next five years, as opposed to the one year they had originally planned.
BONDS MAKES SURPRISE VISIT TO CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL; ALL-TIME HOME RUN KING BERATES, IGNORES CANCER VICTIMS
PITTSBURGH - Major League Baseball’s all-time home run king Barry Bonds returned to the city where he began his career last night and, in a surprise move, paid a visit to the cancer ward of Children’s Hospital. Prior to the start of a twi-night doubleheader against his former team, the Pittsburgh Pirates, the San Francisco Giants left-fielder walked through a crowd of boys and girls awaiting chemotherapy treatment, taking care to ignore them all. Through a Giants spokesman, Bonds released a statement saying that “the remarkable power of concentration he brings to the ballpark does not allow him the opportunity to relax his mental focus on the game of baseball at any time during the season, even in the presence of the terminally ill.” Nevertheless, Bonds felt it was important for him, “in the role of the new all-time Home Run King,” to “allow those less fortunate than he the opportunity to bask in his regal glow.”
According to family members of the stricken children, Bonds moved slowly down the corridor, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. He did pause briefly at one bedside, where eight-year-old Moe Kaminski, wearing a Giants cap and a Giants uniform with Bonds number 25 across the chest, waved a Giants pennant. “Dude,” said Bonds, “that’s pathetic.” The future first ballot member of the baseball Hall of Fame then left the ward without additional comment. “The kids were so excited to see him, yelling his name, begging for an autograph, but he wouldn’t stop,” said Mark Owen Henderson, of Dayton. “I guess that’s just Barry being Barry.”
ROVE RESIGNS, ASKS TO GO INTO WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
Political strategist reconsiders after learning that the program cannot actually protect him from testifying in court
JAMES BROWN'S WIDOW SAYS SHE DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING
"GODFATHER OF SOUL" TOLD WIFE NEVER TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE FAMILY BUSINESS
NASA THROWS IN TOWEL WITH LATEST SHUTTLE PROBLEM, TELLS CREW MEMBERS THEY'RE 'ON THEIR OWN'
NASA Administrator Michael Griffin: "I'm washing my hands of the whole damn thing"
STEELER FANS GIVE STEELY MCBEAM COLD RECEPTION
New mascot has received numerous death threats, now travels with round-the-clock secret service protection
AL QAEDA TO COMMEMORATE TWENTY-FIFTH SEASON WITH THROWBACK UNIFORMS, MASCOT
PESHAWAR - Al Qaeda will celebrate a quarter century in terrorism this year with several promotions designed to appeal to traditional fans and newer ones alike. The promotions include throwback uniforms, such as the ones worn to fight the Soviets following their invasion of Afghanistan in 1979, and the naming of a new Al Qaeda mascot. Al Qaeda’s previous mascot, The San Diego Chicken, was killed fighting United States forces during the siege of Tora Bora. Al Qaeda leader, and founder Osama Bin Laden announced the special anniversary celebration in a videotape broadcast on the al Jazeera network last night. “I realize that some of you will object to the idea of an Al Qaeda mascot. I’ve already heard the complaints. Al Qaeda is hard core. Al Qaeda doesn’t need gimmicks. Al Qaeda is all about good old fashioned, smash-mouth terrorism,” said Bin Laden. “We still are. We just thought this would be a fun way to get young people involved.”
On at least one point, however, traditional fans of old-school Islamic fanaticism can rest easy: Al Qaeda has no plans to introduce cheerleaders. “Not as long as I’m running this organization,” said Bin Laden. The commemorative editions of the 1982 and 1984 Al Qaeda uniform will be available for purchase this fall “wherever fine jihadist clothing is available.” Bin Laden said fans will have a chance to offer their suggestions for a mascot name online at the Al Qaeda web page. The winner will be announced via videotape broadcast on the al Jazeera network at an unspecified future date.
LATEST SHUTTLE MISHAP PROMPTS NEW SAFETY RESTRICTIONS
O-Rings, insulating foam, and schoolteachers to be banned from all future space flights
NASA SUSPECTS FOUL PLAY BEHIND GASH IN SPACE SHUTTLE, SAYS DR. ZACHARY SMITH IS A 'PERSON OF INTEREST'
HOUSTON - NASA said today that the gash in the space shuttle Endeavour's heat shield was likely the work of a saboteur. A high ranking space agency official who asked not to be named said that Dr. Zachary Smith is a "person of interest."
Smith, whose whereabouts are not known, was previously convicted of sabotaging the Jupiter 2 mission, causing the Robinson family to be lost in space for three seasons.
NASA urges Americans to approach Smith with extreme caution because of his malevolent nature, which he may try to soften by playing the coward for comic relief.
ROMNEY WINS IOWA STRAW MAN
Republican presidential hopeful pleased with prize, but says he'd really hoped to win a Tin Man, "because we have a lot more in common."
Giuliani Braves Toxic Comments
WASHINGTON - Rudy Giuliani, pictured above holding his head in pain after extracting his foot from his mouth, said Friday that he misspoke when he said he spent as much time, if not more, at ground zero, exposed to the same health risks as workers combing the site after the Sept. 11 attacks.
"I think I could have said it better," the Republican presidential front runner told radio host Mike Gallagher. "What I meant to say is that if I hadn't been busy inventing the Internet, I would have spent as much time as those brave police and firefighters."
"I think I could have said it better," the Republican presidential front runner told radio host Mike Gallagher. "What I meant to say is that if I hadn't been busy inventing the Internet, I would have spent as much time as those brave police and firefighters."
NASA BREAKS NEWS TO TEACHER ON SPACE SHUTTLE THAT 'ENDEAVOUR' HAS POTENTIALLY SERIOUS GASH, TAKES BETS ON HER REACTION
CAPE CANAVERAL - NASA finally broke the news to space shuttle Endeavour's most famous astronaut, school teacher Barbara Morgan, right, that the spacecraft's thermal shield has a potentially serious gash."Nobody wanted to tell her," chuckled NASA Administrator Michael Griffin. "I guess we thought she'd give us detention or something," he said, barely able to contain himself.
NASA feared alarming Ms. Morgan because of the uncanny similarity of the problem to the one that doomed the shuttle Columbia in 1986. But Griffin ultimately decided Morgan had to be told.
"We had an office pool as to how the teacher would take it," Mr. Griffin said, smiling. "Now I have to tell you, I never win anything, but damn if I didn't bet twenty dollars that she would throw her lunch tray at the wall -- and that's exactly what she did. So, yes, it was a good payday for me."
Onorato Declares State of Emergency; Ravenstahl Declares State of Complacency
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl countered his intra-party rival County Executive Dan Onorato's declaration of a state of emergency after yesterday's flooding by declaring a state of complacency."The city and region have suffered a terrible blow. I say we all chill a little bit and just calm the hell down. It's water. Doesn't anybody around here swim?" the mayor declared during a City Hall press conference at which he appeared in a Hawaiian shirt, flip flops and a backwards baseball cap.The mayor urged citizens to heed advice from newly appointed City Emergency Services director Jimmy Buffett. Onorato, in a conciliatory gesture, later telephoned the mayor to work out a compromise. The pair later said that, following yesterday's state of emergency, he would allow a two day state of complacency after which the two leaders agreed to resume the region's long standing state of ineptitude.
STEELER MASCOT LEAVES CAMP OVER CONTRACT DISPUTE; “STEELY’S GOT TO TAKE CARE OF STEELY,” SAYS ANGRY MCBEAM
LATROBE - Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam walked out of training camp last night, apparently upset that negotiations with the club over a new contract have reached an impasse. A note left in his dorm room contained a terse explanation: “Until I receive the money I’m worth, kindly refer to me as The Mascot Formerly Known as Steely McBeam.”
McBeam apparently left immediately following his dinner at the St. Vincent dining hall with President Bush and Afghan president Hamid Karzai. McBeam’s representative, super-agent Thad Gould, confirmed McBeam’s departure. “Steely has always been a team player. But with his current compensation package, Steely is nothing more than a well-paid slave. At this point in his career, Steely’s got to take care of Steely.”
Gould said he had spoken to his client and fully supported his decision. “We’ve done everything possible to let this organization know that Steely wants to remain here. But Steely’s got a family, and he has to think of their long-term financial security.” Gould said he didn’t know when McBeam would return, or who would perform the mascot duties in his absence. “I know Steely was scheduled to fly to the Vatican this morning for an audience with the Pope.” Gould refused to say whether McBeam would meet with Pope Benedict. “My number one concern at this point is getting Steely back in camp, under contract, and feeling good about his situation. Everything else is secondary.”
COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO DECLARES CITY IN DIRE STATE OF EMERGENCY DURING TELEVISED PRESS CONFERENCE YESTERDAY EVENING
"I JUST REALIZED A 27-YEAR-OLD WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE'S DOING IS MAYOR"
MINNEAPOLIS LOOKS TO REFURBISH IMAGE WITH TV ADS
Ad showcases city's superiority to other towns: "We don't have hurricanes like they do in New Orleans; or earthquakes like they do in San Francisco; or twisters like they do in Kansas City. OUR structures collapse all by themselves, thank you."
DOW BLAMED FOR MOTION SICKNESS
TRADERS VOMIT ALL OVER NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE FLOOR AFTER ANOTHER DAYLONG ROLLER COASTER RIDE ON WALL STREET
SEVERE-WEATHER CENTER ALERT! TORRENTIAL DOWNPOURS AND HIGH WINDS THREATEN TO BLOW AWAY ANY PROFESSIONALISM OF WPXI ON-AIR STAFF
CHANNEL 11 NEWSCASTERS CAN BARELY CONTAIN THEMSELVES AS STORM DESCENDS ON REGION
SHELTER FOR STEELERS FANS TURNED AWAY FROM TRAINING CAMP DUE TO STORMS REACHES MAXIMUM CAPACITY; MILITARY GUARD USED TO MAINTAIN ORDER
COACH MIKE TOMLIN CONSIDERING USING GUARD TO REPLACE ALAN FANECA
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT'S PRECURSOR TO "FALLINGWATER" WAS HOUSE BUILT ATOP MINE FIRE CALLED "BURNINGHOUSE"
WRIGHT DECIDED FIRE "WASN'T THE WAY TO GO" WHEN HE SAW HIS CREATION "BURN TO A CRISP" IN LESS THAN AN HOUR. PITTSBURGH - It is the stuff of legend how acclaimed architect Frank Lloyd Wright jump-started his moribund career in 1937 at the age of 69 by designing a house for Pittsburgh department store magnate Edgar Kaufmann perched over a Western Pennsylvania waterfall. Fallingwater remains one of the most celebrated private residences in the world. Not so well known is Wright's precursor to Fallingwater designed for Kaufmann the previous year less than a mile away, which Wright built directly atop an underground coal mine fire.
"Mr. Wright thought this would create a perpetual smoldering effect in the residence," explained Wright scholar Professor Franklin Toker.
In keeping with the tradition of lending pithy monikers to Wright homes, the architect dubbed that creation Burninghouse.
But just fifty-eight minutes after it was constructed, Burninghouse caught fire and burned to a crisp. Wright was dumbfounded. "Nevertheless, before the flames consumed it," noted Professor Toker, "that house was breathtaking. It's a shame that nobody thought to bring a camera before it went up."
Wright learned from his mistake and the following year transferred the design to the nearby waterfall. The rest is history, but from that time until his death 23 years later, Wright bristled at the slightest mention of Burninghouse.
At the twentieth anniversary celebration of Fallingwater, Kaufmann's son, Edgar Kaufmann Jr., made the mistake of joking about it. "Suddenly, WHAM! Mr. Wright used his cane to deck Kaufmann Jr. into the icy waters of Bear Run Stream," Toker said. "Mr. Wright used the cane to hold Kaufmann Jr.'s head under water, and he watched as the young man gurgled for air. And that, you see, is how it happened that Edgar Kaufmann, Jr. was drowned to death by the great Frank Lloyd Wright in the shadow of Mr. Wright's masterpiece, Fallingwater," Toker explained.
TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP OPENS; THOUSANDS OF FANS HEAD TO MOUNTAINOUS REGION OF PAKISTAN FOR GLIMPSE OF FAVORITE AL QAEDA PLAYERS
PESHAWAR - Terrorist training camp officially opened at St. Vincent Madrassa for all one-hundred-and-fifty new and returning members of Al Qaeda yesterday, and thousands of fans flocked to the hills of this pastoral community to celebrate their return. “At least we don’t have to talk about the Pirates anymore,” said Sanji Mohammapat, of New Delhi. “We’ve been waiting for this ever since the foiled British airliner plot of last season.” Speaking to members of the media, Coach Osama Bin Laden acknowledged that last year was a disappointment, but refused to concede that some of the luster has been removed from the preeminent terror franchise in the world. “Obviously, we fell short of our goals, in terms of what we wanted to accomplish last year, but there’s no reason to believe we can’t bounce back,” said Bin Laden. “We’re still basically the same team that blew up the USS Cole, the Khobar Towers, and the Trade Center.”
Even so, Bin Laden said that no jobs are safe. “A lot of guys got complacent last year, didn’t work as hard as they should have, kind of rested on their laurels, and I think it was reflected in our performance. I’m not going to let that happen again.”
Al Qaeda has off today. Work-outs resume Friday morning at dawn. Work-outs are open to the faithful, closed to all infidels.
Al Qaeda Pre-Season Schedule
All Games Televised on the al Jazeera Network. Times and Locations TBD
Al Qaeda Pre-Season Schedule
All Games Televised on the al Jazeera Network. Times and Locations TBD
August 11th - v Tamil Tigers
August 18th - v Basque Separatists
August 25th - v Shining Path
August 31st - v Hamas
September 9th - v Oakland Raiders
CHILD PORN CHARGES DROPPED AGAINST LOCAL RADIO DJ CAUGHT PLEASURING SELF TO BABY PICTURES
Investigators determined photos were John McIntire's own baby pictures
PRESIDENT VISITS REGION, SURVEYS DEVASTATION CAUSED BY NEW STEELER MASCOT'S NAME
"Know that as you mourn, a nation mourns with you. We will dedicate every resource we have to finding out how exactly this mascot became Scottish."
STEELERS LAND NEAR TOP OF AT LEAST ONE PRESEASON POLL
1. The Edsel
2. New Coke/Crystal Pepsi (Tie)
3. "Steely McBeam"
4. Betamax/The Comb-Over (Tie)
5. The Hindenburg
PIRATES PLAN VIDEO TRIBUTE TO BONDS
Pirates' marketing department dreams up another sure-fire crowd pleaser; video to contain repeated shots of Bonds' limp-wristed throw to plate in 1992 NLCS
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL LOSES TRIVIAL PURSUIT CLASSIC GAME FOR HIS TEAM ON LAST QUESTION
“I never heard of this 'Johnny Carson' guy!”
SOME STATE LEGISLATORS WANT TO SEE STATE'S BRIDGE SCORES
Rendell says OK, but warns them that "the cards just haven't been in our favor lately"
NEW YORK MAN UNWITTINGLY AGREES TO BE GONAD DONOR TO BARRY BONDS
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- When Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run at AT&T Park on Tuesday night to make him baseball's all-time home run king, a 22-year-old New Yorker named Matt Murphy emerged from a pile of fans with a bloody face, torn clothes -- and the historic ball. A team of San Francisco police officers quickly surrounded him, and he informed them he wanted to give the ball to Bonds. The officers led him through a tunnel and into a secure room.
Murphy waited alone for over an hour until the game ended, and Dr. Eva Braun (no relation to the paramour of the late German Chancellor Adolf Hitler) accompanied by three nurses entered the room. Dr. Braun began to interrogate him.
"Are you the young man who wants to give his ball to Mr. Bonds?" she asked.
"That's me, Matt Murphy, from Queens, New York," he replied.
"Well, Matt, Mr. Bonds would very much like to have it," Dr. Braun said. "Ever since the steroids controversy erupted, that's the one thing Mr. Bonds has wanted." She proceeded to rattle off a string of questions. "Are you 18-25 years of age?" "Are you a smoker?" "Does your family have any history of heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, liver disease or mental illness?" The medical team furiously recorded Murphy's responses, which seemed to satisfy them.
Finally, Dr. Braun handed Murphy a plastic cup and a Penthouse Magazine. "Matt, would you please go into the rest room and give us a sperm sample?" Murphy wasn't sure how this related to presenting the historic ball to Bonds, but he shrugged his shoulders. "Gladly," he said.
Less than a minute later Murphy presented the specimen to the team. Dr. Braun then asked Murphy if she could give him a hernia test. "Sure," he said. "Turn your head and cough," she told him as she reached into his pants. "Nice," she uttered to herself. "They'll do." Murphy was told to lie down on a gurney, and some further tests were performed. A short time later, Bonds entered the room and without saying a word reclined on a gurney next to Murphy. Murphy was speechless, unable to fathom what was happening. Then another physician anesthetized Bonds. Several minutes passed, and Murphy broke out into a terrified sweat as he saw Dr. Braun quickly and methodically removed one of Bonds' testicles, shrivelled beyond recognition by years of steroid abuse. She tossed it into a nearby trash can.
Murphy struggled before orderlies subdued him, and he, too, was anesthetized. The last thing he remembered seeing before losing consciousness was Dr. Braun coming toward him with a knife. "You will always be remembered, Matt," he heard her say, "as the man who gave Mr. Bonds the historic ball."
STEELERS REVEAL NAME OF NEW MASCOT
IT'S "THE TERRIBLE IDEA." RUNNERS-UP: SALLY WIGGIN; YARONE ZOBER; VLAD THE IMPALER AND HERB
CASEY SIDELINED WITH HAMSTRING INJURY, LISTED AS QUESTIONABLE FOR SENATE DEBATE
+of+Senator%2520Rick1-2.jpg)
Washington , D.C. -- Senator Bob Casey is listed as questionable for tonight’s scheduled debate on the appropriations bill. Casey apparently tweaked his hamstring last week during a discussion of parliamentary procedures. The Senator’s injury was made public by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid this afternoon in his weekly press conference. “Apparently, Bob was in the process of yielding the floor to the Honorable Gentleman from Kentucky when he felt a pop. He broke off his yielding right away, but he knew something was wrong.” Casey was attended to by Senate trainers, who have been treating the injury with a combination of ice packs and electronic stimulation. Reid said Senate medical personnel have assured him that Casey will be able to resume participation soon. “They don’t think it’s necessary to put him on injured reserve.” At this point, Reid says the thing Casey needs most is time. “We all know what a great competitor Bob is, and we know he’d love to be out there deliberating for us, but we’ve got to be cautious,” said Reid. “We don’t want to rush him back, and then have him reinjure this thing. Bob’s an important part of our team. We’re going to need him for the entire legislative season.”
A spokesman for the Senator said Casey was making progress, but that his participation in tonight’s highly anticipated match-up with Senate Republicans would likely be “a game-time decision.”
STEELER FANS BOOK FLIGHTS TO GLENDALE ARIZONA IN FEBRUARY
By the third quarter of the first exhibition game, fans had seen enough. Super Bowl XLII travel plan were finalized by the end of the game.
BUSH DECLARES U.S. INFRASTRUCTURE MUST "STAY THE COURSE"
When asked about the possibility of more bridge collapses, the President replied, "Bring 'em on."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)