JERRY LEWIS APOLOGIZES FOR GAY SLUR BY HOLDING TELETHON TO TURN GAYS STRAIGHT
Star-studded telethon dubbed "Bend Over for Jerry's Homos" was sponsored by Penthouse Magazine
TOMLIN'S POST-GAME REMARKS PUT DAMPER ON VICTORY, JOB IN JEOPARDY
New coach said: "I find Cleveland to be a charming town filled with gracious, intelligent people. It's the kind of place where I could see myself living."
TOMLIN, ROETHLISBERGER EXPLAIN HEATED SIDELINE EXCHANGE
"I just told him how Coach Cowher would have handled that last series,"Roethlisberger said. "And I just told him," Tomlin said, "how Charlie Batch would have handled that last series."
STEELERS FAITHFUL CELEBRATE VICTORY, PREPARE FOR THE APOCALYPSE
"Two tight ends caught touchdown passes," said Bishop David Zubik. "Surelythe second coming is at hand."
PIRATES' CLAIM THAT CENTERFIELDER MORGAN MADE 'BEST CATCH OF YEAR' CAN'T BE SUBSTANTIATED
The alleged catch was not videotaped, and no one saw it. In fact, there is no centerfielder named "Morgan." Bucs' assertion labeled "a pathetic attempt" to make Steeler fans think they missed something.
Players Jump to the Defense of Fired Pirates GM David Littlefield.
Several players claim they personally deserve the blame for the Pirates' failures, and that it is they, in fact, who should be fired. Soon, if possible
In a surprise display of support and solidarity, several Pirate players forcefully defended David Littlefield, insisting that the blame, and the punishment, should be on them.
"It's really wrong to lay our losing ways at Dave's feet," said shortstop Jack Willson. "When, really, I'm the one who is to blame. And I should be fired. Immediately."
Jason Bay had a similar take. "It's the players who win or lose. Not the GM.And the player most responsible for losing is me. If ownership wants to send a signal to the fans that they want to win, they need to get rid of me right away. I'll understand."
Some players were even more emotional in their appeals to deflect blame from Littlefield. "Please!" screamed Ian Snell. "Take me! It's all my fault! Throw me out on the street! Boot me off the team! I have to be held accountable!"
The players then gathered silently, some of the sobbing, to watch David Littlefield driving away from PNC Park, never to return.
"That should have been me," Adam LaRoche whispered to himself.
'AMERICAN TALIBAN' JOHN WALKER LINDH JOINS THIS NEWS SOURCE AS SPORTS EDITOR, WILL PREDICT WEEKLY NFL SCORES
Crazy, mixed-up kid is completely reformed. John is more interested in betting on football than aiding the wacky efforts of Islamic fanatics to destroy America. This week, from his gurney in ADMAX Prison in Colorado, Lindh says the Steelers are too good for the Browns, and will beat then 34-7
ROETHLISBERGER PROMISES TO IMPROVE UPON ZERO YARDS PASSING, ZERO YARDS RUSHING, 0.0 QUARTERBACK RATING HE HAD IN LAST YEAR'S OPENING GAME
Doesn't guarantee zero interceptions against the Browns
PIRATES' OWNER BOB NUTTING PULLS TRIGGER, FIRES GM DAVE LITTLEFIELD
BOB NUTTING: You have to answer for Aramis Ramirez, Dave. That little farce you played with my sister, you think that could fool a Nutting? Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia . . . . Moe Greene . . . . Strachi . . . . Cuneo . . . . Today I settle all family business, so don't tell me you're innocent. Admit what you did. . . . Don't be afraid. Do you think I'd leave my team without a GM? . . . No, Dave, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. I'm putting you on a plane to Bradenton. I want you to stay there. Understand? Only don't tell me you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence -- and makes me very angry... Now who approached you? Barzini or the General Manager of the Cubs? DAVE LITTLEFIELD: (Hesitates) It was Barzini.
BOB NUTTING: Good. There's a car waiting for you outside to take you to the airport. I'll call your wife, to tell her what flight you're on. Get outa my sight!
PIRATES TOO LATE TO FIRE LITTLEFIELD
General Manager had already traded himself to Detroit for $125 and a case of rosen bags
SHOCKING PHOTO: JAILED DUKE LACROSSE PROSECUTOR NIFONG IS TORTURED, DENIED CIVIL RIGHTS
Collin Finnerty, Reade Seligmann, and David Evans say "that's a damn shame"
PENGUINS 'HOME DELIVERY SERVICE' TO FEMALE SEASON TICKET HOLDERS RAISES EYEBROWS
PITTSBURGH - In a move the Penguins hope will generate good will that translates into enhanced revenue, the team began a 'home delivery' service today, where Sidney Crosby, the NHL's reigning scoring champion and MVP, Evgeni Malkin, Colby Armstrong and Maxime Talbot, defenseman Ryan Whitney and goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury called on female season ticket-holders around the Pittsburgh area, ostensibly to deliver their season tickets.
But that's not all they delivered say sources inside the Penguins organization who asked not to be identified. The players each spent approximately 30 minutes in each woman's home. When they departed, several of the women were seen wearing only bathrobes, adjusting their hair and applying lipstick. They were smiling broadly. "Sid [Crosby] isn't known as the leading scorer in the league for nothing, you know," said a Penguins' source.
Frances Monahan spoke briefly with a reporter after Evgengi Malkin departed her home. "He was so-o-o nice," she swooned. Then she looked around to insure no one was in earshot, "They don't circumcise them in Russia, you know," she whispered.
Sidney Crosby, pictured below leaving Mrs. Judi Haas' Brentwood home this afternoon, said he thought it was "a good opportunity for the guys to say thanks personally."
BUSH INTRODUCES ARMY'S NEW TWO-HEADED SOLDIER
"This soldier of the future can see evildoers coming from all directions," said Bush
SUPPLIER OF CADAVERS FOR CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER EXHIBITION GOES BANKRUPT, BUT SHOW WILL GO ON
SCIENCE CENTER DIRECTOR JOANNA HAAS REFUSES TO REVEAL WHERE SHE OBTAINED SUBSTITUTES; DISPLAY MODEL BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO MAYORAL AIDE YARONE ZOBER
HILL DISTRICT MINISTERS, DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT DEMAND ALL PROFITS FROM NEW ARENA
PITTSBURGH -- A group of Hill District ministers says it is does not want to divide the community, but seeks instead a "holistic approach" that ensures all profits and benefits from the development of a new arena go "straight into our pockets."
The nine ministers, led by the Rev. Johnnie Monroe, pastor of Grace Memorial Presbyterian Church of the Holy Profiteer, met for 90 minutes yesterday with Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato, representatives of the Penguins, and other local officials to discuss their demands. Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl did not attend the meeting, citing the need to fit in a second round of golf before meeting with reporters to lie about the city's pension fund liabilities.
"Our meeting this morning was not to ask for our fair share," the Rev.Monroe said, "because we know we don't have a legitimate claim. We just came here hoping to guilt and shout and bully our way into the money, and so far, it seems to be working. Praise Jesus."
The ministers' meeting came even as another prominent community leader, Duquesne University President Charles Dougherty, held a press conference to announce his own set of demands for the city, the county, and the Penguins. Noting that his campus overlooks the new arena site, that his students buy "a hell of a lot" of Student Rush tickets, and that his priests are much harder to please than "those whiners up on the Hill," Dougherty declared that Duquesne would eventually prevail in the battle to "fill up the collection plates" and "shake down those idiot politicians."
When asked to comment more specifically on the ministers' demands, a visibly angry Dougherty shouted, "You tell Johnnie Monroe that our chapel is a hell of a lot closer to that arena than his church is!"
Mr. Onorato described yesterday's developments as positive, saying that he and Mayor Ravenstahl are "seeking to build a consensus for a comprehensive plan" for responding to all unreasonable demands, and that both men are willing to give away as much of the arena money as possible "if it'll just shut people up."
Asked later in the day to comment on the arena demands, Mr. Ravenstahl replied, "What arena?"
MAN WHO UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO KILL HITLER THWARTS GERMAN TERROR PLOT
BERLIN - Claus Von Stauffenberg, the German Army officer who unsuccessfully tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler on July 20, 1944, thwarted a terror plot hatched by a German al Qaeda group that planned to blow up American facilities in Germany.
Von Stauffenberg, 99, speaking through a translator, said, "I smoked them out at their hideout, then I jumped them the four of them, which wasn't too bad considering they're all 28." Von Stauffenberg smiled. "For 63 years, I've been trying to live down that Hitler thing. I'm on a roll now, baby. I feel like I've got my groove back."
Von Stauffenberg initially wanted to attack the terrorists by placing a briefcase loaded with a bomb in their hideout. "Then I realized, 'Gee, that didn't work when I tried it with Hitler, maybe this time I should go with plan 'B'."
His next target? "Osama bin Laden. I plan to put that son of a gun in a headlock."
'STEELER NATION' EXTENDS ALL THE WAY TO CORCORAN STATE PRISON IN CALIFORNIA
"THE STEELERS' NUMBER ONE FAN IS NOT DAN ROONEY, AND IT'S NOT SOME FAT SLOB HOLDING A TERRIBLE TOWEL SLURPING DOWN A BEER IN FRONT OF HIS TV. THE NUMBER ONE STEELER FAN IS LOCKED UP, PROBABLY FOR LIFE, IN A CALIFORNIA PRISON, HIS NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH SENSELESS CRIME." -- Mike Prisuta, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review Sports Columnist and WDVE Morning Show personality.Here is PART ONE of Mr. Prisuta's exclusive interview with Charles Manson.
MIKE PRISUTA: Mr. Manson, why do say that you're the Steeler's number one fan?
CHARLES MANSON: Well, see, Mr. Prisuta, that's just another example, people putting words in my mouth. From the D.A. to the warden and now you. See, I never claimed to be the number one anything. I'm a petty car thief; if I wanted to be number one, you all better watch out . . . .
MIKE PRISUTA: I have here a letter here you wrote to me where you claim to be the Steelers' number one fan.
CHARLES MANSON: Yeah, well, see, I pretty much tell people what they want to hear. You learn that in the hole. But, see, the "Chief," [Steeler founder Art Rooney] and myself, we think alike in terms of motivating people, of getting people to be where they ought to be . . . Of course he and I used different methods to achieve our goals . . . .
MIKE PRISUTA: Now how would you motivate people to get the ball across the goal line?
CHARLES MANSON: See, that "goal line" -- that's just one of those words you make up to make you think you're a winner and people like me are losers. But it's exactly the opposite. It's like this: you and me are sitting in the desert, and you draw a line across the sand, and you say, "I scored 'cause I'm over the line and you're not." And I'm thinking, "Scored what?" And you say, "You don't get it. I win and you lose because I'm in the end zone and you're not." Well, the fact is, Mr. Prisuta, up here [pointing to his head] I'm everywhere. I'm in the end zone and I'm out of the end zone, and I'm up and down and all around, and I'm driving a motorcycle down to the San Diego Zoo, and I'm your children and I'm the trees . . .
MIKE PRISUTA: (Interrupting) Mr. Manson, Mr. Manson -- why don't we get back to the Steelers, you being their number one fan and all . . . .
PART TWO OF THE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW TOMORROW
KREIDER OUT, DAVIS IN AS STEELERS' #1 FULLBACK
When asked how he feels about becoming a starter, Davis replied, "Groovy, baby!"
SPONSORS ANNOUNCED FOR MUCH-ANTICIPATED NEW FALL TV SERIES 'CAVEMEN'
GILLETTE, SCHICK, NAIR AND AMERICAN LASER CENTERS TO PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR AD TIME
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL TOURS MARKET SQUARE, COMES ACROSS YARONE ZOBER WHO NOW LIVES ON A BENCH
"You know who I used to be? Yarone Zober! I ran this town for a month back in '06!"
DeSANTIS PLAN WOULD SALVAGE CITY'S FAILING PENSIONS
RAVENSTAHL SAYS HE'S "BAFFLED" BY THE NEED TO SALVAGE PENSIONS; SAYS PEOPLE ON PENSIONS "ARE, LIKE, REALLY OLD AND EVERYTHING"
RAVENSTAHL SCOLDS ETHICS BOARD: 'I WON'T LET YOU STOP PUBLIC OFFICIALS FROM SUPPORTING CHARITABLE EVENTS . . .'
". . . SO LONG AS SOME BIG COMPANY LOOKING TO CURRY FAVOR WITH THE CITY PAYS FOR THE POLITICIAN TO SUPPORT THE CHARITABLE EVENT"
NEW OWNERS OF HIDDEN VALLEY PLAN TO UPGRADE RESORT, MOVE IT INTO PLAIN SIGHT
"Nobody knows it's there because it's hidden," says buyer. "And we're changing the name to 'Valley in Plain Sight.'"
FRED THOMPSON OFFICIALLY IN THE RACE
Former Republican senator Fred Thompson formally announced his presidential campaign on NBC's "Tonight Show" Wednesday. Thompson also unveiled his campaign slogan to host Jay Leno: "Hey America, Pull My Finger."
Fire When Ready
HARRISBURG -- Obsessive stalkers and street thugs breathed a sigh of relief as gun sales resumed in Pennsylvania after being suspended for a little more than a day. Men in Trans-Ams and pickup trucks with oversized tires hooted and honked their horns outside gun shops as sales resumed.
"Domestic violence and random killings and shootings over trivial disputes should pick up again," said state police commander Col. David Crockett. "The state's got 26 hours of impulse gun-buying to catch up on."
Happy gun buyer Cleb Chutney of Verona said, "I been waiting for two days to teach my neighbor's dog a lesson. The state has no business interfering with my right to extract street justice." Col.Crockett agreed with this assessment but joked to Chutney, "I'll be seeing you real soon."
RESCUERS PULL ADVENTURIST STEVE FOSSETT OUT OF THE MON RIVER
ALSO FIND MITCHELL B-25 BOMBER, GLENN MILLER, JIMMY HOFFA AND LOCH NESS MONSTER
JERRY LEWIS ORDERED TO ATTEND SENSITIVITY TRAINING SESSIONS WITH MICHAEL RICHARDS
AGING COMEDIAN WHO SAID 'MERV GRIFFIN DESERVED TO DIE' AND USED 'ILLITERATE FAG' SLUR DURING LABOR DAY MDA TELETHON TELLS MEDIA 'THIS IS A BUNCH OF F&#!ING BULLSH&$'
Mattel Merges with Acme Lead Company
In a classic case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, Mattel Toys today announced they will merge with the American Lead Company. "This is a proud day," Said Mattel CEO Bob Eckert. "If you hadn't noticed, we've been working toward this for some time now..."
SEVERED BODY FOUND IN WILKINSBURG
Actor Edward Norton, residents of Saw Mill Run Boulevard named persons of interest
US AIRWAYS’ CEO DOUG PARKER: “WE SCREWED UP”
Company painted Steelers logo on both sides of new plane’s tail “when we all know the Steelers have the Steelmark on one side only”PITTSBURGH --- In a hastily arranged press conference, US Airways’ CEO Doug Parker issued a full apology to Steelers fans worldwide for the paint scheme on the company’s new Steelers plane. The plane debuted last week, and almost immediately fans jammed the company’s customer service lines complaining that the familiar hypocycloids should have been placed on the right side of the plane only.
“Passengers will put up with a lot,” a disheveled Mr. Parker said today. “Flight delays and lost luggage are par for the course. But the mistake with the Steelers logo has everyone up in arms. People calling our customer service line are even blaming us for Steely McBeam, and we had absolutely had nothing to do with him.”
Raymond James analyst Bob Brenneman downgraded US Airways from “hold” to “sell” on the news. “Geez, these people are idiots,” Brenneman said. “They dominate the Pittsburgh market, and then they go and do something like this. I didn’t think it was possible for them to alienate passengers more than they have, but they somehow managed. The Steelers have had the logo on one side of their helmets only since 1962; where have they been for the last 45 years?”
CEO Parker acknowledges the outrage, but hopes the controversy will subside in a few days. “Let me assure everyone that heads will roll. We have taken the plane out of service, we’re re-painting the left side of the tail plain black, and then we’ll find out who’s responsible,” he said. Parker also confirmed that the re-painting will take place in Pittsburgh’s maintenance hangar. “At the risk of enraging fans further, I will tell you that the original paint job was done in our Cleveland facility. In hindsight, that might not have been our best idea.”
BUSH ADMITS TO CRYING IN WHITE HOUSE
Secret Service admits it abandoned nuclear "football" for lack of space; now carries Bush's bottles and "binky."
COMCAST BUYS NAMING RIGHTS TO WDVE STUDIOS
Popular rock station will now cost $39.99/month, come bundledwith 29 other stations no one listens to
Study: Rockers Less Healthy
Who would have guessed that Jimi Hendrix's lifestyle could have put him at greater risk?
LONDON - Researchers at John Moores University in Liverpool have published a study indicating that rock stars are more likely than the rest of us to die before reaching old age. Researchers declined to say how many minutes it took them to reach this conclusion but explained that their research clearly shows that rock stars "want to rock and roll all night and party every day." Not only do rock stars' lifestyles expose them to greater risk, they tend to engage in multiple concurrent risks. Jimi Hendrix used drugs, incorporated fire into his shows and would often run with scissors. Jim Morrison routinely swam and exposed himself less than an hour after eating.
At the other end of the spectrum were CPA's, whose total aversion to risk and sedentary lifestyles keep them almost unnaturally preserved and danger-free. What did the research discover was biggest threat to accountants? "Fossilization."
At the other end of the spectrum were CPA's, whose total aversion to risk and sedentary lifestyles keep them almost unnaturally preserved and danger-free. What did the research discover was biggest threat to accountants? "Fossilization."
LOCAL MAN THROWN OUT OF FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE DUE TO LACK OF TRASH-TALKING
HIGHLAND PARK --- Landscaper Paul Chwastyk has been removed from his nephew’s football fantasy league because he refused to engage in robust trash-talking, league commissioner Brian Adler said today.“Uncle Paul analyzed the offensive and defensive lines, evaluated performances, and did all those other things that really don’t matter,” Adler said. “The games are sort of superfluous to us --- we just use the league to hurl insults at each other.”
Mr. Chwastyk said it hurts that his own nephew has thrown him out. “I helped raised that kid. We played catch in the back yard when he was little. I taught him the finer points of sports betting. I spotted him the money to enter football pools, and I even introduced him to my bookie. Now he goes and does this, the little bastard.”
A self-described “older guy,” Chwastyk thinks the younger fantasy players are a bunch of wimps. “They’re sitting around in their fancy suits and ties all day while I’m outside knocking down trees and installing drainage pipes. Sitting around your office typing all day isn’t work. I don’t think they even did much work in high school. Back in my day, we took classes like wood shop, not ‘keyboarding,’ like they did. I almost cut off my damn thumb once, and these wimps probably say things like, ‘Ooh, ooh, I better get a pillow for my wrists so I don’t get carpal tunnel.’”
Commissioner Adler said: “Now that’s what I’m talking about. If Uncle Paul could bring that kind of talk to the football league, he’s welcome to come back.”
But Chwastyk is done. “I’m starting my own league, and no one under forty is allowed in,” he said. “Plus Brian will get his --- I’m telling the bookie where he lives.”
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