UNIV. OF FLORIDA CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER WHO TASERED STUDENT HOLDS NEWS CONFERENCE
"Come on! Who else wants to challenge me by foolishly exercising their First Amendment rights? Just try it! Just try it!"
BUSH DENOUNCES STUDENT TASERING INCIDENT
"I can't believe Senator Kerry stood by and let that happen," the President said. "If I'd been speaking, that stupid kid wouldn't have gotten within three miles of a microphone."
WOMAN AWAKENS FROM SIX YEAR COMA TO TOUT HER EXCELSIOR BEAUTY-SLEEP® MATTRESS
A Colorado Springs woman who went into a vegetative state in November of 2001 awoke this week to the tears and amazement of her family. Doctors say Chista Lilly, 26, opened her eyes and immediately sat up and began touting the qualities of the Excelsior Beauty-Sleep® Mattress she's been lying on for six years."I'm fine," Ms. Lilly told her mother and the hospital staff. "Now I want to tell everyone about this wonderful mattress I've been sleeping on," she said. "It's the Excelsior Beauty-Sleep®, with its patented back support system that eliminates painful pressure points. I promise that it will put you, too, into the deepest sleep you've ever had."
Lilly's mother choked back tears. "When you consider all the people who can't get eight good hours sleep on their mattress," she said, "my daughter has been blessed because she's had six years. This mattress truly is a miracle."
STEELERS' PRODUCER TELLS BILL HILLGROVE TO CALL PLAYS THREE SECONDS BEFORE THEY OCCUR BECAUSE RADIO SOUND LAGS BEHIND TV BROADCAST
Hillgrove asks, "How can I broadcast the play when it hasn't happened yet?" Producer Ryan Camuso suggests, "Ouija Board."
Pavarotti's Will Sparks Row
ROME -- Famed tenor Luciano Pavarotti’s will today touched off the start of a colossal legal battle in the Italian courts after it was revealed that he had left half of his estate to his wife, another half to his three daughters by a first marriage, and yet another half to his longtime girlfriend.“Luciano was, how is it you Americans say this, a ‘humanities major’ in university and a man who thought much with his heart and not so much the math,” said family spokesman Antonio El Sayeed.
The first half of Pavarotti’s vast estate is slated to go to his second wife, Nocoletta Mantovani, while the second and third halves go, respectively, to his children and to his longtime girlfriend Carlotta Dellavascola.
Additionally, the tenor left the remaining fourth half of his estate to his dog, Bruno.
“Luciano was a very generous and giving man. He did not like to stop giving even when he had given all. We miss him terribly. I’m hiring a lawyer,” said Ms. Mantovani.
A second will addresses Mr. Pavarotti’s American holdings because of the differences in Italian and American probate laws. Under American law, Pavarotti found himself limited to two halves to any whole estate, although legal scholars said he also had the option of dividing the estate into three, four or even ten portions.
“Under American law, he could even leave parts of his estate to 15 or 20 people,” said Lawrence Tribe, a Harvard law professor who returned a telephone call before Alan Dershowtz. “I’ve actually seen wills where the person left like two-thirds to one person and then divided the remaining third among a dozen other people and charities. It’s a scandal what dead people can get away with in Italy.”
Pavarotti’s American possessions were valued at $14.3 million in cash and bonds, of which he left $400,000 to the New York Opera Company. The remainder went to settle outstanding debts to Bon Apetit Bakery in Manhattan.
IRAN'S PRESIDENT NOT ALLOWED TO LAY TRADITIONAL IRANIAN WREATH IN NYC
NEW YORK - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, above, was told he would not be permitted to lay a traditional Iranian wreath at the Ground Zero construction site at the former World Trade Center during his visit to New York City next week.
Ahmadinejad's request to place a ceremonial kilo of anthrax in the city's water supply is still under review.
Ahmadinejad's request to place a ceremonial kilo of anthrax in the city's water supply is still under review.
INVENTOR OF 'SMILEY' EMOTICON, CMU COMPUTER SCIENTIST SCOTT FAHLMAN, DIES
WE ARE REPRINTING HIS OBITUARY HERE AS IT APPEARED IN THE PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE
KING SOLOMON DIVIDES EMBATTLED SCAIFE'S YELLOW LAB 'BEAUREGARD' WITH SWORD
BITTER DIVORCE BETWEEN 'RITCHIE' AND RICHARD MELLON SCAIFE TURNS OUT TO BE 'TRAGIC TAIL' FOR DOG
PITTSBURGH -- "Bring me a sword!" yelled King Solomon, and they brought a sword before the king.
And the king said, "Divide the creature in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other."
Then the woman, Ritchie, said to the king, for her heart yearned for revenge, "O my lord, if you must cut him in half, I want the bigger half. He can have the ass."
PITTSBURGH -- "Bring me a sword!" yelled King Solomon, and they brought a sword before the king.And the king said, "Divide the creature in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other."
Then the woman, Ritchie, said to the king, for her heart yearned for revenge, "O my lord, if you must cut him in half, I want the bigger half. He can have the ass."
PITTSBURGH MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL JUMPS ON 'iJUSTINE' BANDWITH-WAGON, WILL NOW BECOME FIRST MAYOR 'LIFECASTER'
RAVENSTAHL SAYS HE IS CONFIDENT HE HAS THE BANALITY AND LACK OF WIT TO BROADCAST HIS LIFE, BUT IS NOT SURE WHAT HE'LL DO ABOUT BALDNESS THAT PROHIBITS HIM FROM MASTURBATING HIS HAIR ALL DAY LONG
FEDERAL RESERVE CUTS INTEREST RATE TO 4.75%, RAPPER 50 CENT TO 40 CENT
“I am flummoxed by the action the Fed has taken.” -- Curtis James Jackson III (40 Cent)
NEW POLL FINDS 25% OF PITTSBURGH'S REGISTERED DEMOCRATS DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR
87% didn't know they're legally allowed to vote for him
OBAMA PLANS AHEAD, ANNOUNCES A RUNNING MATE
After introducing the Rev. Al Sharpton at a press conference, the Illinois Senator asked reporters, "What do you think? Am I black enough now?"
MEN DON'T WASH HANDS AFTER USING RESTROOMS NEARLY AS MUCH AS WOMEN
They’re too busy running them under the stall dividers looking for sex.
EXPERTS SAY LONG-LOST PHOTO 'EXPLAINS A LOT': IN COLLEGE, BUSH AND BIN LADEN VIED FOR AFFECTIONS OF SAME SOUTHERN BELLE
"War, war, war! If either of you boys says 'war' just once more, I'll go in the house and slam the door."
Another victory for feminism . . .
NEW LAW GIVES PREFERENCE TO FEMALE-OWNED WINDOW-WASHING COMPANIES TO CLEAN 'THE GLASS CEILING'
RAVENSTAHL PRACTICES FOR LIFE AFTER 'VOTERS CATCH ON TO ME'
"I have two on the aisle, sir, but you'll have to transfer in Charlotte."
'CRYING JUDGE' FROM ANNA NICOLE SMITH CASE NAMED ATTORNEY GENERAL
WASHINGTON -- President Bush today announced his choice to replace controversial Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is the even more controversial former Florida Judge Larry Seidlin who presided over the proceeding for the custody of the body of Anna Nicole Smith. Seidlin is a former taxi driver best known for his crying, rambling and monologuing in the Smith case.
Bush explained that "Seidlin's dramatics make him well-suited to carry on the level of professionalism that this administration has come to expect at the Department of Justice."
Seidlin was reportedly nominated after Judge Lance Ito turned down the President's offer, and after the President learned that his second choice, Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland's character from the TV show 24, is fictional.
Seidlin was reportedly nominated after Judge Lance Ito turned down the President's offer, and after the President learned that his second choice, Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland's character from the TV show 24, is fictional.
DISABILITY FRAUD ARTIST RUSTY McBEAM BEMOAN'S BROTHER STEELY'S SUCCESS
"All I heard at home from Mom was 'Why can't you be more like your brother?' It shoulda been me, except I got a condition, you know . . . ."
NEVADA VOWS NOT TO REPEAT O.J. SIMPSON'S EIGHT-MONTH-LONG 1995 TRIAL, RECRUITS JUDGE WAPNER TO 'WRAP IT UP QUICKLY'
LAS VEGAS - The tortoise pace of O. J. Simpson's eight-month murder trial in 1995 was the stuff of legend, and Nevada officials vow it won't happen this time when Simpson is tried for armed robbery.In fact, O.J.'s trial will be put into hyperdrive and likely will be wrapped up in 15 minutes because no-nonsense Judge Joseph A. Wapner, 87, the original jurist of television's pioneer court show The People's Court has signed on to adjudicate it.
Wapner doesn't plan to deviate from his well-honed methods of adjudication. "We'll have eleven minutes of testimony, then a commercial break, and then I'll come back and give my verdict," Wapner said.
Consistent with The People's Court's pattern of assigning pithy names to the trials, according to Wapner this one will be called "The case of the out-of-control running back."
O.J. SAYS 'THERE'S GONNA BE SOME CHANGES FOR MY SLO-MO GETAWAY THIS TIME'
"I ain't riding in no dumb ass white Bronco like I did last time," said ex-NFL great. "I want a Mercedes this time."
FILM REVIEW: 'THE BRAVE ONE' -- A TRIUMPH OF MUCH-NEEDED MALE BASHING
BY CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAN-HATING FILM CRITIC MISS ANDRY: "The Brave One" is a rapturous feminist call to bloodlust, a vengeance porno flick with the soul of a grindhouse potboiler, and the best white male-bashing feast served up by Hollywood in years.Jody Foster plays a New York radio essayist who is brutally attacked in Central Park one June night, along with her dark-skinned Indian physician fiance, by three males of "indeterminate" race (a code word for "most likely white"). She is transmogrified by the experience and sprouts invisible feminist testicles that take her on a wild and wonderful killing spree to take out men.
The film is a cavalcade of misogynists just asking for it. There's the raging white guy who storms into a convenience store and kills his angelic wife working behind the counter because she, quite properly, won't give the brute custody of their child. This, of course, is typical of how white men behave in child custody disputes. Never fear: Jody's got his gonads in a bulls eye. Then there are the two misogynist hip-hoppers on a subway (the film's sole acknowledgement that black guys also have been testosterone-poisoned by the patriarchy). Their sorry asses aren't long for this world after they start teasing Jody with a knife. And there's the rich white guy who's into rich white-guy-crime-stuff (oh, and he also killed his wife, of course). Jody takes him out as a favor to the film's black guy cop played by Terrence Howard, who shares Jody's sensitivities but can't act on them due to the strictures of the patriarchal legal system that flatly refuses to protect womyn from the males who threaten them at every turn.
There's also the pimp with an angelic, drugged-up, black prostitute in the back seat of his car. (You must understand that the prostitute is never a consenting adult doing "business" with a pimp; the pimp is always an evil, oppressive male taking advantage of a poor womyn who just needs to make a living and put her kids through school.) Jody rescues the saintly womyn and then takes out the wretched pimp in a blaze of glory. Jody even gives the womyn a cross because, as everyone knows, atheistic radical feminists are purely spiritual beings. The other females in the flick also come off well, sort of like Mother Theresa-as-Streetwalkers. For example, there's the cherubic black neighbor who tends to Jody's wounds after one of her killings and doesn't report her to the police even though Jody admits what she's done. And there's the black paramour of one of Jody's attackers who rats out the scum to Jody simply because it's the right, feminist thing to do.
The males, of course, pretty much all come off as misogynists, because that's pretty much all they are (except for Terrence Howard, who probably sports a set of ovaries under his fine black skin). A white teenage male witness, whose father is a lawyer, describes the vigilante to a policewomyn by giggling about Ms. Foster's -- his words, not mine -- "ass" and "titties." The policewomyn removes his white male privileged smirk with a stern look.
Everyone assumes that the vigilante is a male because womyn don't do things like this. Even Jody talks about the vigilante on the radio as "he." (Hee, hee, hee.) The black cop, Terrence Howard, catches on that Jody is doing all the killing toward the end of the film, but then he does the right feminist thing and makes sure Jody is not outed. In the end, Jody isn't even charged, much less convicted, for killing eight (8) males (way to go, Jody!). The world still thinks the killer is a male, which is as it should be. The moral, of course, is that Jody isn't guilty because her victims were merely expendable males who, in her view, did wrong.
FOUR BREASTS.
RAVENSTAHL SAYS HE'S SOLVED THE CITY'S PENSION FUND PROBLEM
"All I have to do," the Mayor said, "is help transfer some money that's been trapped in Nigeria."
JEFF REED DEMANDS A NEW CONTRACT AT HALFTIME
"If I'm going to do all the scoring, I want what Ben gets," kicker says
PUNDITS APPLAUD BUSH'S PRODUCTION NUMBER TO INTRODUCE SPEECH TO NATION
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Political pundits are applauding the dramatic production number starring General David Petreus, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney to open the president's speech to the nation on Thursday.
Seeking to build support for his war strategy, Bush told the nation that, "things are good, nice weather, dry heat," and that "we plan to bring some troops home, many before they're blown up - heh,heh."
Pundits questioned the use Siouxie and The Banshees song, "Cities Aflame With Rock & Roll" as the theme for the address.
MIRACLE AT THE POINT! AFTER MAYOR'S 'NATONWIDE' SEARCH, IT TURNS OUT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSONS FOR CITY JOBS WERE THE ONES ALREADY IN POWER!
"With 302,000,000 people in America, what are the odds of that happening?" gushes Mayor Ravenstahl.Retained were the following heads of city offices: Public Works Director Guy Costa; City Information Systems Director Howard Stern; Equal Opportunity Review Commission Manager Phil Petite; Emergency Medical Services Chief Robert McCaughan; Parks Director Duane Ashley; Parking Authority Executive Director David Onorato; and Housing Authority Executive A. Fulton Meachem Jr.
DUQUESNE BASKETBALL COACH RON EVERHART CONSIDERING SHOOTING A FEW MORE PLAYERS, JUST TO KEEP THE TEAM FOCUSED
“It worked last year,” said the frustrated coach. “this is a young team. a few flesh wounds should get their attention.”
FALSE RAPE ALLEGATIONS SOAR, COLLEGE MEN URGED TO HAVE A WITNESS FOR ANY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER
COLLEGE DUDES HAIL ADVICE AS USHERING IN ERA OF THREESOMES
SURVEY FINDS STEELERS HAVE NFL'S LARGEST FEMALE FAN BASE
Tops on fans' wish list, according to researchers: winning another Super Bowl, fondling Troy Polamalu's hair
NUTTING TO FOLLOW THE MAYOR'S HIRING PROTOCOL
After 90-day wait, Pirates will name Dave Littlefield as new GM
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