Bush Won't Seek Third Term

WASHINGTON -- In a move that stunned his closest advisors, President Bush today said he will not seek a third term.

"I think we've accomplished most of what we set out to do: smaller government, a more secure America, got most of the White House lawn re-seeded and mulched the flower beds real good. It's time for some fresh blood," the President said in an impromptu news conference outside the Oval Office.

Several presidential aides, who spoke on condition they not be identified, said they had no idea Mr. Bush would be making the announcement.

"In all our briefings -- and trust me, we have these things constantly -- this thing never came up," said one Bush aide. "We've told him not to declare war or to name new states without checking with us and rehearsing how it would sound. Last year we headed off that pardon he wanted to give the Mr. Potter character in 'It's a Wonderful Life.' We didn't see this one coming."

The president told surprised reporters that he hopes to use his retirement years in an international good will tour to boost the nation's image overseas.

"Gonna see Venezuela and Central America and ride a boat through the Suez Canal," Mr. Bush said. "Planning to see Alaska, too. You know, next to Canada, it's our closest neighbor and we haven't even opened an embassy there. We've got some fences to mend. That reminds me. Mexico. Gonna spread some good will and get one of those hats."

Mr. Bush did not rule out future bids for office and said he is open to placing his name on the ballot for the Supreme Court, although he said he gathered it is too late to enter any of the key primaries next year.

"That's always an option down the road. Some of those guys are old," Mr. Bush said.

THE BOY AND THE GRAPES

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PURLOINS POST FROM TEACHER. WORDSMITH. MADMAN.

to luke, from aesop, with love.

A Boy one day spied a beautiful bunch of FOP grapes hanging from a tree at a press conference along Banksville Road. The grapes seemed ready to burst with juicy endorsement, and the Boy's mouth watered as he gazed longingly at them.

The bunch hung from a branch with high standards and even higher expectations, so the Boy had to jump for it. The first time he jumped he missed it by a long way. The second time he jumped, he tried to knock them down with his golf clubs, but he still could not reach them. So he rode off a short distance in his Homeland Security SUV, had a couple of beers, and returned to try again, only to fall short once more. Again and again he tried, but always in vain.

Now he sat down and looked at the grapes in disgust.

"What a fool I am," he said. "Here I am wearing myself out to get a bunch of sour grapes that are not worth selling the taxpayers down the river for."

And off he walked very, very scornfully.

The Moral of the Story: There are mayors who pretend to despise and belittle that which is beyond their reach.

Check it out here: http://homepage.mac.com/chadhermann/iblog/

RAVENSTAHL: 'I WILL NOT SELL TAXPAYERS DOWN THE RIVER FOR A UNION ENDORSEMENT . . .'

"For a union endorsement, no; for a game of golf with a celebrity or a ride on a private plane, yes."

City Police Union Endorses DeSantis for Mayor

"Why have you forsaken

me, Mr. Police Officer?"

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU MISSED IF YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON WDVE'S MORNING SHOW YESTERDAY

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SPECIAL EVENT: JIM KRENN AT THE IMPROV: NOV. 21

Come see Pittsburgh's Comedic Godfather, the great Jim Krenn of WDVE, the night before Thanksgiving. (And stop by the Carbolic table and say "hi.") Order your tickets HERE

Mike Tomlin announces that he will rest all starters until December

Charlie Batch to lead the offense until further notice. Practice squad members also expected to get some work in the 4th quarter

PARTICIPANTS IN CHARITY WALK TO END DISORIENTATION BECOME CONFUSED, GET LOST

“I didn’t expect this -- they were walking every which way.” -- Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, Event Organizer

BUSH ADMITS HE THOUGHT HE WAS MEETING DOLLY THE LLAMA

"I was surprised when this little Buddhist dude walked into the room," said the President

ACTRESS DEBORAH KERR LIP-SYNCHED DYING WORDS, DUBBED BY MARNI NIXON

LONDON - Deborah Kerr, who danced with the Siamese monarch played by Yul Brynner in The King and I, has died. She was 86. Kerr did not do her own singing in the classic musical; she lip-synched the songs, which were dubbed by veteran singer Marni Nixon. Ms. Nixon was also the singing voice for Audrey Hepburn in the film version of My Fair Lady and for Natalie Wood in West Side Story.

As Kerr lay dying, she called for Ms. Nixon, who arrived at her bedside moments before the end. Kerr handed Ms. Nixon a prepared text labeled "dying words." Ms. Nixon tearfully read the document as Kerr lip-synched it, then Kerr expired.

Dalai Lama Calls for Total Victory in Iraq

WASHINGTON -- His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, the exiled spiritual leader of Tibet, yesterday received the Congressional Gold Medal for service to humanity and, in his acceptance speech, called for total victory in Iraq.

Speaking before a packed ceremony in the Capitol rotunda, the Dalai Lama, clad in the traditional red and saffron robes of the Buddhist monk, thanked President Bush and the American people and then demanded that U.S. forces "press on in a spirit of serenity and persistence until the Iraqi resistance is driven into the far mountains of obscurity."

While ordinarily espousing pacifism, the Dalai Lama said he was making an exception "just this once" out of courtesy to his American hosts.

"I am a man of peace and speak for a people who have faced injustice, invasion and occupation by non-violently placing our argument before the world, certain that justice will prevail because it is part of the universal order," the Dalai Lama told the crowd. "But I understand too that, just as a flower has many petals and a river many branches, the petal and water that exemplify America and her great ideals is clearly armed to the teeth. Best not to mess with that. Do what you're doing, but just give me a few months of cover so nobody knows I agreed to this."

The ceremony, while open to members of Congress and the Bush administration, was carried live on a jumbotron screen on the Capitol lawn and attended by an estimated 10,000 spectators, many of them Tibetans whose families fled into exile with the Dalai Lama after the Chinese invaded and seized their nation in 1949.

Most spectators applauded the Dalai Lama's remarks, apparently out of habit, while a few others attempted to put his remarks in the context of Buddhist philosophy.

"The best analogy I can draw," said Buddhist monk Prandip Gulam, who flew in from Sacramento for the event, "is the great explanation the monk Issa who told a gathering 'If you have a stick, I shall give you one. If you have none, I shall take it.'"

In this context, he explained, "the United States clearly has a lot of sticks and the Dalai Lama, following the mystical teachings of our people, has given your people another stick. Obviously, you like beating stuff, so, hey, whatever floats your boat."

Following the ceremony, the Dala Lama spoke briefly to the crowd outside.

"They what? What in heaven's name is a Jumbotron? Oh, dammit. Look, this speech stays here, you got that?" he told the wildly cheering crowd.

Following his brief remarks, the Dalai Lama visited a local Buddhist monastery followed by a four-hour stopover at a Scotch bar.

AL GORE SAYS NOBEL PRIZE 'MAKES UP' FOR THE ONE DENIED HIM WHEN HE INVENTED THE INTERNET

ARCHBISHOP WUERL PASSED OVER FOR COLLEGE OF CARDINALS IN FINAL YEAR OF ELIGIBILITY, SAYS HE'S COUNTING ON VETERANS COMMITTEE 'TO DO THE RIGHT THING'

CHENEY KILLS SELF AFTER LEARNING HE AND OBAMA ARE DISTANT COUSINS

Vice President was reportedly inconsolable. Suicide note explained: "First, I'm related to a lesbian. Now I find out I'm related to a black Democrat! Why me?!"

WOMEN STAGE ANNUAL WALK TO END ALL WALKS FOR DISEASES OTHER THAN BREAST CANCER, RAISE $187,000

REACTION MIXED FOR GORE'S NOBEL PRIZE

Clinton tries to head off a Gore candidacy: "Sure, there's global warming, but it's a dry heat." Bush issues terse statement: "The terrorists win."

CLINTON CAMPAIGN CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY HILLARY'S NEW ADS NOT RESONATING WITH MEN

LOCAL WOMAN GETS SHOCK OF HER LIFE AT 'BODIES' EXHIBIT: 'I DATED THAT GUY!'

PITTSBURGH - Melissa Paige, 22, got the shock of her life at the Carnegie Science Center's "Bodies" exhibit last night when she noticed that one of the bodies on display is a former high school classmate named Jason Baehr. Baehr was reported missing two years ago, just weeks after arriving in China to study.

Paige, visiting the exhibit with her mother and a church group, explained that she dated Baehr during their senior year at St. Elizabeth's High School in Pleasant Hills.

Paige's mother, Esther, 58, called to a friend. "Look, Ida, it's the Baehr boy! He's one of the bodies." She yelled louder. "The Baehr boy is one of the bodies."

Ida Swayne, 66, strolled over, put on her reading glasses, and examined Baehr top to bottom.

"Do his [testicles] look too big to you?" she asked. "I think his [testicles] look too big. Don't they look too big?"

"No, that's all him," Melissa assured her. Melissa's mother shot her a disgusted glance.

Soon, the entire parish gathered around Baehr. "We've got enough people here to hold the 7:30 Mass," said Ida Swayne. Fixing her eyes on Baehr's skinned torso, she said to no one in particular, "Do you think they killed him? The Chinese -- do you think they killed him?" Her head drew close to his buttocks. "Such a shame, a specimen like that."

Esther Paige urged Melissa to pose with the body. "Stand on the other side, we'll recreate your prom picture. It's a shame you're not wearing your prom dress."

Melissa muttered, "At least he's wearing his after-prom outfit." Her mother glared at her.

As Melissa put her arm around Baehr, Ida Swayne shrieked. "I think he still has a thing for you, Melissa! I saw movement!"

RENDELL UNVEILS HEALTH PLAN: REMOVES SHIRT TO SHOW WHAT PENNSYLVANIANS SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE

PITT'S LAST MALE UNDERGRAD DROPS OUT

PITTSBURGH - Edward Johnson, 19, the last male undergraduate student enrolled at the University of Pittsburgh, dropped out of college this morning to work full-time at his brother-in-law's pizza shop.

Johnson's departure is consistent with a national trend some are calling an epidemic that sees women far outnumbering men on college campuses. At the University of Pittsburgh, there are now 17,246 female undergrads and zero males.

"I didn't catch on until long after my buds that studying's just not cool, dude," Johnson told a reporter. "I can make too much money delivering [pizza] to bother with school. Plus, since I'm paid in cash, I won't have to pay tax on it." Johnson smiled sheepishly. "Dropping out [of college] leaves me more time to do what my boys are doing," he explained, "-- play video games and [masturbate] to Internet porn." (Johnson later contacted this reporter to request omission of his statement about not paying taxes.)

Several student residents at Litchfield Towers, Johnson's former dormitory, said his departure is not welcome news. "The women are definitely going to miss having Johnson," said sophomore Carla Vango. Vanessa McBride, 19, lamented: "This used to be a co-ed dorm. Without Ed, it's just a 'co' dorm." Dorothy Buumulak, President of Pitt's Students Against Men and Rape, is also unhappy: "It's a major loss because as long as he was here, in the back of my mind, I knew our women had someone to accuse of sexual assault," she said. "Fortunately, we can still rely on the theory of 'recovered memories' to blame Pitt's former male students for past assaults. But Pitt's administration needs to make a concerted effort to recruit a new crop of males."

In the lobby of the dorm, a harried Dean of Students Kathy Humphrey curtly stated that the administration is "making every effort" to attract more male students. "Oh, yes, we definitely want that gender balance thing," Humphrey said, rolling her eyes. Humphrey interrupted the interview to address a mover passing through the lobby pushing a cart filled with urinals. "Make sure you take every last one of those f***ing things. If I see one of them anywhere in the building, I'll have your [cajones] for breakfast."

Humphrey was asked what Pitt would do to make males feel more welcome. "For one thing, we'll make their course-load much more male friendly," she said. "In our required course, 'Historical Atrocities of the Patriarchy Against Women,' we're going to serve free beer."

POPE NAMES PITTSBURGH WEATHERMAN JOE DENARDO A CARDINAL

KNOWN FOR HIS MIRACULOUSLY ACCURATE FORECASTS, EXECUTIVES AT WTAE SAY THEY KNEW DENARDO WAS DESTINED FOR PAPAL GREATNESS, AND THAT APPOINTMENT WOULD HAPPEN BECAUSE 'JOE SAID IT WOULD'

THE 4,000 JEWS WHO FAILED TO SHOW UP FOR WORK AT WORLD TRADE CENTER ON SEPTEMBER 11 ARE SPOTTED AT MUSLIM FUNERAL IN SARAJEVO

Arabs wonder, "What are those sneaky Jews up to now?"

LOCAL PITTSBURGH LIFECASTER iJUSTINE CRASHES IN MON OFF E. CARSON STREET AFTER 'TWITTERING' WHILE DRIVING

PARENTS SHIELD EYES OF CHILDREN BIKING ON RIVER TRAIL WHO HAPPENED ON CRASH SCENE, TELL REPORTERS 'iJUSTINE'S BODY WAS LIFELESS, BUT HER FINGERS WERE STILL GOING AT IT'

HOUSE PASSES RESOLUTION CONDEMNING THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE, THE SPANISH INQUISITION, AND THE CRUSADES; STOPS SHORT OF CONDEMNING THE CRUCIFIXION

"That was only one guy," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and he was pretty much asking for it."

NEW STUDY FINDS FILIPINO IMMIGRANTS FLOCKING TO MILLVALE

"It just reminds us of home," said Honesto Kalawakan, who recently built a two-story hut along Grant Avenue.

CLINTON ASSURES SKITTISH MALES THAT MEN WILL HAVE PROMINENT ROLES IN HER ADMINISTRATION

AHMADINEJAD LISTENS TO PODCAST OF POST-GAZETTE CANDIDATE'S FORUM, ENDORSES MAYOR RAVENSTAHL

"He sounds like a nice young infidel to me," the Iranian President said.

One Hot Lama

WASHINGTON -- China reacted with outrage to the Dalai Lama's meeting with President Bush on Tuesday. In a written statement, Chinese Foreign Minister Yang Jeichi said, "Dari Rama cause big problem, prease [sic] be kind to bump him off for us while visit."

During his meeting with the Dalai Lama at the White House, Bush recited the Buddhist proverb, "If a man lives a pure life nothing can destroy him; if a man pulls my finger, he will be rewarded."

SHADYSIDE WOMAN DISCOVERS SHE ACTUALLY ADOPTED KIDNEY FROM 'BODY EXHIBIT' INSTEAD OF DINOSAUR BONE IN CASE OF 'CRAZY MIX 'EM UP'

MAXINE STEIDELBAUM SPONSORS KIDNEY FROM CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER INSTEAD OF T-REX BONE FROM CARNEGIE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM; SAYS SHE HAS 'GROWN FOND OF KIDNEY, AND WANTS TO KEEP IT'

PA TURNPIKE COMMISSION HIRES FIRST WAVE OF EMPLOYEES, ADMINISTRATORS FOR I-80 TOLL ROAD

BUSH DROPS PLANS TO MEET DALAI LAMA IN LIGHT OF CHINESE ANGER

"I don't know who he is anyway," said Bush.

PIRATES NEW GENERAL MANAGER NEAL HUNTINGTON QUITS AFTER ONE MONTH

"As I looked at the team's overall situation, I was like, wow! Life's too short for this!"

FTC APPROVES UPMC-MERCY MERGER

UPMC promises to carry on Mercy's mission to care for indigents, "provided the indigents can pay."


Pittsburgh Bishop David Zubik pleads with UPMC's Jeff Romoff "not to use poor people to conduct your evil experiments"

Jeffrey Dahmer's Family Launches New "Bodies" Exhibit

Pittsburgh Opening of "Bodies: A Culinary Experience" Riles Carnegie Science Center; CSC Demands Traffic Study Prior To Opening

PITTSBURGH - Gunther von Hagens Dahmer, the late Jeffrey Dahmer's uncle and CEO of the family's new "Bodies" exhibit, is seen here posing next to an exhibit specimen at the Pennsylvania Culinary Institute. Hagens-Dahmer insists the family has obtained all proper permissions and documentation for each of the bodies or body parts being displayed. But Pittsburgh's Carnegie Science Center is upset by all the competitive pressure this new "Culinary" exhibit places on its own dead body exhibit.

"Cornering the market on discretionary spending for blatantly sensational and exploitative shows is tricky business," a Science Center spokesperson opined. "We've put a lot of hard work into our show and we don't appreciate this last minute scheduling of a clearly inferior set of dead bodies."

The CSC spokesman's charge of "inferior dead bodies" stems from the fact that the "Culinary Bodies" spent so much time in Jeffrey's freezer before being plastinated. Some are missing parts that Dahmer ate, but most still contain Dahmer's teeth marks on the skin.

Hagens-Dahmer disputes the charge. "One dead body is pretty much like the next. The way you differentiate yourself and capture your audience is by the posing. Our bodies are clearly posed the best. That and the culinary connection, of course."

MAYOR SERVES UP ANOTHER "STRUCTURALLY BALANCED BUDGET"

A triumphant Ravenstahl declared, "Once you ignore all that debt, it's really easy to cook the books!"

MAYOR SAYS TALK OF "21ST CENTURY JOBS" NOT JUST EMPTY CAMPAIGN RHETORIC

“I want a transporter room near my office,” Ravenstahl said. “And it would be cool if Yarone and myself had some phasers too. Someone’s gonna have to build ‘em for us.”

PA TURNPIKE COMMISSION PROMISES 'LOTS MORE ANIMALS ON THE HIGHWAY' IF RENDELL PROCEEDS WITH LEASE OF TURNPIKE

NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE CAUGHT BREAKING INTO CLINTON HEADQUARTERS ON BEHALF OF AL GORE

"They'll stop at nothing to secure the nomination for him," said one insider

More glitches plague WPXI since moving into new studio

Chopper 11 unable to fly. Now being pulled from scene to scene on the back of an eighteen-wheeler

CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE: CYRIL WECHT WAS MEMBER OF HITLER YOUTH

"This would seem to explain," said World War II historian Gerald Schiller,"the coroner's life-long obsession with anti-Semites."

NASA SAYS NEXT SPACE SHUTTLE TO DOCK WITH NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS' SPY SATELLITE

LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH FACILITIES 'OVERWHELMED' BY STEELER FANS UNABLE TO COPE WITH ‘BYE’ WEEK

“Other communities have reactions exactly like this when there is a senseless school shooting. In Pittsburgh, it's because there's no Steelers game on a Sunday in October." -- Dr. Noah Swayne, Western Psychiatric Institute

NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE SPOTTED IN IOWA CANVASSING FOR AL GORE

DESPITE BYE WEEK, 60,000 DRUNKS DESCEND UPON HEINZ FIELD

"It's a Sunday afternoon," said one rabid fan. "Where else would we puke?"

PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE RESOLVES NAGGING DILEMMA ABOUT WHICH MAYORAL CANDIDATE TO ENDORSE

Paper to publish two editions: one endorsing Ravenstahl for delivery in most city neighborhoods; the other endorsing DeSantis for delivery in the suburbs -- the latter to save credibility among the people who actually buy the paper.

CASTRO SHOCKS VENEZUELEN DICTATOR CHAVEZ BY CALLING HIS RADIO SHOW, REQUESTING 'BABALU' BY DESI ARNAZ

Embarrassed Chavez explains "it's not that kind of show," changes subject to Che Guevara

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY TODAY . . . .

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AL GORE GETS MOST VOTES TO WIN NOBEL PRIZE, BUT NOBEL COMMITTEE GIVES IT TO PRESIDENT BUSH INSTEAD

U.N. RELEASES LIST OF MOST DANGEROUS PLACES IN THE WORLD

(1) Baghdad;

(2) Bigler Street at State College when Joe Paterno is behind the wheel.

Eager to remain in the public eye former hockey great Mario Lemieux displays some wood during an appearance at the Carnegie Science Center "Bodies" exhibit.