WHO'S GAY AND WHO'S NOT IN RANKIN/BASS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
NOT
YES
NO WAY
UNDETERMINED________
NOT________
DEFINITELY________
NOT
NOT_______
DEFINITELY
DEFINITELY
PIRATES SUE STEROID MANUFACTURERS FOR BREACH OF IMPLIED WARRANTY OF MERCHANTABILITY
Suit seeks refund, damages for lost profits stemming from failure to make playoffs for 15 years despite fact eleven former Bucs linked to performance-enhancing drugs
Chinese toy maker apologizes for date rape scandal
BARBIE DOLL FOUND TO CONTAIN DATE RAPE DRUG; KEN AND G.I. JOE HAVE THEIR WAY WITH HER
AND NOW, A LOOK AT OUR WEATHER MAP WITH CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL METEOROLOGIST MIKHAIL GORBACHEV . . .
Monday: 30% chance of snow, high of 29; Tuesday: sunny, high of 40.
SUPREME COURT ABOLISHES ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS; MAJORITY OPINION SAYS “SEPARATE BUT UNEQUAL” TREATMENT OF TOYS UNCONSTITUTIONAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision released yesterday in the case of “A Jack in The Box That Cries v. United States,” ruled that segregation of toys based upon appearance, desirability, or factory of national origin is inherently discriminatory and a violation of the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. The ruling effectively abolishes the Island of Misfit Toys, a barren outpost on the nether-regions of the North Pole established in 1964 by Rankin-Bass. The Island has been a repository for toys with “exceptional” qualities for over forty years. Chief Justice John Roberts authored the majority opinion for the Court. Justice Antonin Scalia and Justice Clarence Thomas were the lone dissenters. Each justice filed a separate dissent in which they “found no substantive disagreement with the majority on the issues raised by petitioner Jack-In-The-Box That Cries. However, we just enjoy being disagreeable.”
ACLU attorney Witold “Vic” Walczak hailed the decision. “Perhaps now the stigma associated with toys that society calls different, or special, can be eradicated.” Walczak said the ruling paves the way for toys like water pistols that shoot jelly, or dollies that cry to be mainstreamed into the playrooms of children everywhere. “We’re grateful the court has affirmed our argument.” When asked how he planned to spend the rest of the holiday season, Walczak flashed a broad grin. “Creche removal,” he said.
AL GORE ASKS HEAT MISER TO ADDRESS U.N. CLIMATE CONFERENCE; FORMER VICE PRESIDENT SAYS WORLD SHOULD HEED THE WARNINGS OF MR. GREEN CHRISTMAS
NUSA DUA, INDONESIA - Vice President Al Gore brought Heat Miser to the U.N. Climate Conference yesterday in an attempt to hammer out differences between the world and the man Gore described as “the primary obstacle to progress in the international efforts to fight global warming.” Gore’s decision to invite the reclusive Mr. Miser was met with skepticism by many participants. One panel member, who wished to remain anonymous, called Heat Miser’s visit counterproductive. "This guy sent me a birthday card last year with a picture of himself blowing his nose in the Kyoto protocols.”
But Mr. Gore said with the future of the Earth in the balance, it was imperative that world leaders meet with their adversary and hammer out an agreement. “Let’s face it,” said Mr. Gore. “He’s Mr. Green Christmas. He’s Mr. Sun.”
Announcing his arrival in the conference room with an elaborate song and dance routine in which he extolled the pleasures of all things heat-related, Mr. Miser presented an laundry list of grievances against his brother, Snow Miser, that he said must be addressed before he would relent in his efforts to destroy the polar ice-caps. A spokesman for Mr. Gore said he was sending an emissary to Mother Nature asking her to consider interceding. “It’s the only way we’re going to move forward.”
THUGS MOURN DEATH OF TONYA HARDING CONSPIRATOR BRIAN SEAN GRIFFITH
Thugs around the world are mourning the death of Brian Sean Griffith, 40, who conspired with ice skater Tonya Harding's ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly, to attack Harding's rival Nancy Kerrigan during Olympic tryouts in 1994.Charles Manson issued a statement from Corcoran State Prison in California. "Mr. Griffith will be honored as a pioneer in the criminal world because he demonstrated that high-profile misconduct can advance practical economic interests and need not simply serve the base instincts of lust and aggression."
Convicted murderer Scott Peterson issued a prepared statement through his agent: "On behalf of the entire criminal community in the United States, I extend my heartfelt sympathy to Mr. Griffith's family."
Lynndie England, court martialed army reservist convicted of torturing prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison, issued a statement through her attorney Mike Nyfong: "Mr. Griffith should be saluted by all persons who have no regard for the dignity of others."
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PLAYERS PERFORM AT DVE'S CHRISTMAS PARTY
Carbolic's own "Mayor Luke Ravenstahl" shown with a bunch of females at the party
YUKON CORNELIUS DIAGNOSED WITH BLACK LUNG DISEASE; SANTA SAYS FAMED PROSPECTOR “IS A GONER”
NORTH POLE - Yukon Cornelius, legendary prospector and nemesis of the Abominable Snowman, has been diagnosed with inoperable black lung disease.
Santa Claus, acting as spokesman for the Cornelius family, said the patient was resting comfortably. “He is alert, and he’s on a steady morphine drip to help him with the pain. It’s just a matter of time now. He’s a goner.”
Mr. Cornelius checked himself into North Pole Suburban General last week after complaining of shortness of breath and fatigue. An MRI revealed that both of Mr. Cornelius’ lungs were heavily damaged after a lifetime of prolonged exposure to the carcinogens associated with prospecting for precious metals in the mountainous regions of the North Pole.
Mr. Cornelius’s dire health was further complicated by an infection that developed on his whip hand after he was mauled by one of the dogs that pull his sled. “If there was any hope for recovery, they would have amputated by now,” said Santa.
Reached at his Tijuana boarding house, Prospector Roy C. Dobbs remembered his old colleague as a man who was not afraid to go anywhere, or do anything to stake his claim.
“I know when we were looking for the treasure of the Sierra Madre, Yukon was pretty handy with a gun. There are quite a few Federales and banditos that felt the sting of hot lead courtesy of my buddy Yukon.”
Santa said he would provide additional reports as the situation warrants.
AUNT PENNY CAMPAIGNS FOR OBAMA IN IOWA; PROMISES VOTERS A SQUARE DEAL FROM HER NEPHEW BARACK
DES MOINES - Aunt Penny, beloved spokeswoman for Kenny Ross and Sons, a Pittsburgh automobile dealership, hit the campaign trail for Senator Barack Obama in Iowa yesterday. This is the first time Aunt Penny has taken an active role in a presidential race since her endorsement of William Howard Taft in the election of 1908.
Meeting with the editorial board of the Des Moines Register prior to attending a sold-out rally at the Civic Center, Aunt Penny explained her reasons for getting involved.
“For the first time in my life, I feel compelled to stand up and speak out for the man I believe has a new vision for America . My stars, I do declare, you’ll always get a square deal from my nephew Barack.”
Analysts are divided on the impact Aunt Penny’s endorsement may have on voters. Professor G. Terry Madonna, of Franklin and Marshall College, said Aunt Penny lacks the star power of a George Clooney or an Oprah Winfrey. “On the other hand, if she shows up at polling stations distributing her legendary homemade elderberry preserves, voters would be incapable of not voting for her candidate."
BASQUE SEPARATISTS OCCUPY SANDCASTLE, DEMAND INDEPENDENCE FROM KENNYWOOD
New Spanish owners of amusement park refuse to negotiate until Basques put down their Super Soakers
ANTHONY SMITH: I GUARANTEED HINES WARD BAR WOULD FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY
PITTSBURGH - Steelers safety Anthony Smith told reporters this afternoon he always knew a bar partly owned by teammate Hines Ward would file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. “I guaranteed it,” said Smith.
Smith’s teammate, linebacker James Farrior, praised Smith’s business acumen, and foresight. “You talk that [stuff], you better back it up. And he did.” Smith said his extensive knowledge of the restaurant/nightclub industry, combined with a rigid analysis of the business model provided by Ward and his partners made his conclusion inevitable. “I knew it was going to happen. I told him it was going to happen. And it did.”
When Smith found out after practice that The Locker Room Bar and Grille on East Carson Street had indeed sought protection from creditors by filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in Federal Court, he ran across the locker room and began taunting Mr. Ward. Mr. Ward began jawing back at Mr. Smith before they had to be separated.
Asked later what he said to Mr. Smith, Ward smiled. “I told him the next time he guarantees something, I’m going to believe it.”
EVEL KNIEVEL’S HEARSE JUMPS SNAKE RIVER CANYON; FAMILY SAYS DAREDEVIL’S CORPSE MAY ATTEMPT TO JUMP CAESAR’S PALACE FOUNTAIN ONE LAST TIME
BUTTE, MONTANA - A hearse carrying the body of legendary daredevil Evel Knievel successfully completed an air-borne leap across the Snake River Canyon this morning, thirty-three years after Mr. Knievel tried and failed to do the same thing.
The coffin carrying Mr. Knievel was ejected from the hearse when impact was made on the other side. Mr. Knievel’s lifeless body was thrown nearly five hundred feet from where the hearse eventually stopped.
A representative of the Butte County Coroner’s office reported that Mr. Knievel sustained multiple fractures of the ribs, arms, and legs, as well as abrasions to the face during the jump. He also confirmed that Mr. Knievel remains dead.
Mr. Knievel’s son, Robbie, said the jump was unexpected. “We were in a limousine right behind Dad’s hearse when all of a sudden, the car accelerated. It was like my father’s spirit took over the wheel. Once I saw that big black thing get off the ground, I knew it was his doing.”
The driver of the hearse, clearly shaken, confirmed Robbie Knievel’s story. “We were scheduled to take one last slow drive near the canyon before heading to the cemetery. But the closer we got, the more I sensed the presence of somebody else sitting in the passenger seat. The next thing I know, we were passing a flock of Canadian geese.”
Members of the Knievel family are discussing whether to accept an offer from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas guaranteeing their deceased father one million dollars should his lifeless body successfully jump the fountain in front of the casino. A family spokesman said a decision is imminent.
BARDEN, CITY OFFICIALS BREAK GROUND FOR NEW CASINO
Construction also begins on new North Shore pawn shops
PORTER GUARANTEES VICTORY -- FOR PATRIOTS OVER HIS TEAM
MIAMI - Former Steeler and current Miami Dolphin Joey Porter (pictured above in an inter-species scrimmage, during which Porter was called for holding) has boldly guaranteed victory when the Dolphins face the Patriots in next week's game -- for the Patriots.
"It's in the books baby, they are going to crush us," the Dolphins' $20 million linebacker stated. "They could run their scout team at us and we couldn't stop them."
Asked if this was a strategy to get New England to let down their guard, Porter stood firm. "Hey, we didn't get to be 0-13 by accident."
CASINO MAGNATE DON BARDEN BREAKS GROUND, WIND; SAYS HE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HIMSELF
PITTSBURGH - Don Barden finally broke ground for construction of his North Shore casino today, just days after he overcame the final hurdle by reaching agreement with the Steelers and Pirates about traffic on the North Shore: they all agreed they hate it.
Last week Barden announced he will reduce traffic at the new casino by having the Pirates make a nightly appearance.
Barden said the new casino will hold open auditions for hookers and Mafioso to provide “genuine Vegas atmosphere” for slots players.
Barden said the new casino will hold open auditions for hookers and Mafioso to provide “genuine Vegas atmosphere” for slots players.
Barden also said he has retained former education secretary and gambler Bill Bennett to convince the public that gambling is not immoral. Bennett will plug the long-awaited sequel to his landmark “Book of Virtues” called “The Virtues of Trying for an Inside Straight in Deuces-Wild Video Poker.”
Barden's calculations show the casino will be profitable assuming two out of every three county residents file for bankruptcy by playing the slots during the casino’s first year of operation.
Barden's calculations show the casino will be profitable assuming two out of every three county residents file for bankruptcy by playing the slots during the casino’s first year of operation.
Europeans condemned because they are no good
EDITORIAL BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - For many years, a sneaking depravity has crept across Europe, cloaking itself in all manner of degeneracy and vice. The tawdry depths to which the continent has fallen is most painfully evident in one area: its sexual mores. The basest of human desires are exalted as high culture, the apotheosis of freedom. People who seek to rein in the cravings of the flesh are dismissed as unenlightened dunces, slaves to a patriarchal world whose time has come and gone.
Europe's vileness was splashed across our newspapers today in stories about the “Naked Truth” exhibition at the Leopold Museum in Vienna. The Museum has invited the public to come in the nude to view an exhibition of – you guessed it – erotic works by Austrian “masters.” The Museum allows the “more bashful” to wear bathing suits, like this “cheeky” fellow who is pretending to view the "art." In fact what he is really doing is luxiarating in the vileness of his exhibitionism.
So what are we to think of this continent that gave us Beethoven, Shakespeare and Churchill? Let us be brutally honest about this: Europe is no good, and we can only pray that the Europeans don’t drag us down with them.
Europe's vileness was splashed across our newspapers today in stories about the “Naked Truth” exhibition at the Leopold Museum in Vienna. The Museum has invited the public to come in the nude to view an exhibition of – you guessed it – erotic works by Austrian “masters.” The Museum allows the “more bashful” to wear bathing suits, like this “cheeky” fellow who is pretending to view the "art." In fact what he is really doing is luxiarating in the vileness of his exhibitionism.
So what are we to think of this continent that gave us Beethoven, Shakespeare and Churchill? Let us be brutally honest about this: Europe is no good, and we can only pray that the Europeans don’t drag us down with them.
KENNYWOOD EMPLOYEES CROWD ONTO NOAH'S ARK ON HEARING NEWS THAT PARK SOLD TO SPANISH COMPANY
"It's the end of the world as we know it," said one
FBI: SON WHO SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS HAS BEEN SHAKING THE OLD WOMAN DOWN SINCE 1952
EXTORTIONIST BILKED MOTHER OUT OF MILLIONS BY REPEATEDLY SINGING: "OH, WHAT A LAUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF DADDY HAD ONLY SEEN, MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT."
SPANISH FIRM WILL PAY FOR KENNYWOOD BY CHARGING TOLL ON TURNPIKE
New owners pretend they can't speak English when asked whether collecting tolls is the first step toward leasing or selling the Turnpike
LAST OF THREE RIVERS STADIUM NACHOS TO BE SOLD AT STEELERS' SEASON FINALE
It's the end of an era, says Dan Rooney
MICHAEL VICK'S DOGS WIN FIRST PRIZE IN CHRISTMAS DECORATING CONTEST
Vick says: "Oh, well. These commercial dogs are not going to ruin my Christmas."
BARRY BONDS' PERJURY DEFENSE: OATH HAD WORN OFF BY THE TIME HE LIED IN HIS TESTIMONY
SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds claims he did not commit perjury during his 2003 grand jury testimony relating to the BALCO steroids scandal when he testified that he believed a clear substance given to him by personal trainer Greg Anderson was arthritis balm. Bonds admits the testimony was "a rank fabrication" but claims it did not rise to the level of perjury because the oath he took at the start of his testimony had "worn off" by the time he told the lie.
The crime of perjury requires a knowing falsehood under oath.
"My lie came an hour into the testimony, and by that time, I could feel that the oath had worn off, no question about it," Bonds said.
Bonds' lawyer, Bradleys Roadhouse, explained the legal rationale for the defense: "Just as medications and magic spells lose their power over time, it shouldn't surprise anyone that oaths, too, have a limited shelf-life. It's usually no more than one hour. Anyone who has ever seen the delightful '60s sitcom Bewitched knows that most every curse Endora put on Darrin [Stephens] eventually wore off. The same goes here. After that, Barry was free to lie at will without any repercussions. At least that's the best we have right now."
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