"This," said Ms. Sirk, "is the greatest concert in the history of time!"
CARBOLIC SCENE: MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL & SPOKESPERSON ALECIA SIRK AT THE HANNAH MONTANA CONCERT
"This," said Ms. Sirk, "is the greatest concert in the history of time!"
PIRATE GAMES TO BE CARRIED ON THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
President Bush announced that the Emergency Broadcast System, defunct since 1997, will be reactivated to televise Pittsburgh Pirates games in 2008.
Bush explained that no other network is equipped to handle a catastrophe on the scale of a full season of Pirates baseball.
HUCKABEE WINS IOWA CAUCUSES, NAMED FATHER OF JAMIE LYNN'S BABY
DES MOINES - Underdog Mike Huckabee, the former Governor of Arkansas, capped a stunning political rise to beat Republican rival Mitt Romney in tonight's Iowa caucuses. But that's not the only surprise Huckabee got. Minutes after he was declared the victor, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears declared Huckabee the "winner" in her baby pool by naming him the child's father. Spears reportedly was set to name Barack Obama but decided "nobody would buy that."
A spokesman for Huckabee's campaign said that the news is "a mixed bag" because if paternity tests proved Huckabee is the father of Spears' baby, his poll numbers would probably rise in Arkansas, West Virginia and Louisiana, but could suffer nationwide.
MUSHARRAF BRINGS IN MIKE TOMLIN TO HELP WITH BHUTTO ASSASSINATION AFTERMATH
STEELER COACH SAYS PAKISTAN WILL MAKE THE NECESSARY ADJUSTMENTS, CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD
LAHORE, Pakistan - Bowing to international pressure, Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf has hired Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin to help him deal with the aftermath of the assassination last week of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto.
President Musharraf introduced Coach Tomlin to reporters this morning. “I was proud of the way the former Prime Minister battled out there, but, obviously, we didn’t get the job done last week in terms of protection for Big Benazir,” he said. “But we’re not going to make excuses. As I told the guys in Pakistan ’s security forces, and President Musharraf, the answer to all of Pakistan's problems are right here in this country. I’ll answer any questions.”
Asked what he would do to help quell the violence in the wake of Bhutto’s death, Tomlin didn’t hesitate. “We’re going to continue to prepare, like we always do, to do whatever we have to do to get the job done. We’re not going to lose sight of the prize. We’re going to make the necessary adjustments, and continue to move the democratic process forward.”
When pressed on specifics about the extent of the damage to Bhutto’s body, the ever-cautious football coach remained coy. “She’s got a high ankle sprain, and a stinger. She also tweaked a hamstring. And fractured her skull.” Despite the fact that Bhutto has been dead for over seven days, Tomlin refused to list her as “out” for national elections now scheduled for February 8, 2008. “Big Ben is a competitor,” he said. “I’m not ruling out the possibility of a comeback.”
LOCAL CATHOLIC PRIEST PROUD OF CONGREGATION FOR SUCCESS IN NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING
During last Sunday's sermon, Father Michael Oldaker, Pastor of St. Thomas the Apostle parish in Bellevue, praised his congregation for "the way they have obviously embraced Natural Family Planning."“For those who say it’s impossible to practice Natural Family Planning, I say just look at our congregation. It works. And it’s easy. Look at all of these families with just one or two children in our church. I am so proud of you. And you were all able to achieve this without resorting to artificial contraception. Give yourselves a round of applause.”
Father Oldaker attributed the lack of enthusiasm that accompanied the smattering of applause and large number of parishioners sinking down in their seats to good old-fashioned “Catholic humility.”
LATEST SCHOOL CLOSINGS, DELAYS
Bodega Bay Elementary School closed due to bird attack, no morning kindergarten
NFL TO GO ‘GREEN’ FOR SUPER BOWL, CANCELLING ALL ACTIVITIES EXCEPT FOR THE GAME
“We calculated the carbon footprint of all our parties and fan activities, and the guilt overwhelmed us,” NFL Director of Environmental Program says
NEW YORK - Bowing to environmental concerns, the National Football League announced that no Super Bowl activities other than the game itself will be held this year. NFL Director of Environmental Programs Jack Groh made the announcement today.
“I don’t think fans realize how big a party we throw,” Groh said. “We have 3,000 vehicles running around. We use a huge amount of building materials and electricity to build The NFL Experience for fans. We calculated the carbon footprint for that one weekend at 500 tons of greenhouse gases, and that doesn’t even include having the teams fly in, driving them around, and the game itself. We just can’t justify the environmental damage we are doing.”
NEW YORK - Bowing to environmental concerns, the National Football League announced that no Super Bowl activities other than the game itself will be held this year. NFL Director of Environmental Programs Jack Groh made the announcement today.“I don’t think fans realize how big a party we throw,” Groh said. “We have 3,000 vehicles running around. We use a huge amount of building materials and electricity to build The NFL Experience for fans. We calculated the carbon footprint for that one weekend at 500 tons of greenhouse gases, and that doesn’t even include having the teams fly in, driving them around, and the game itself. We just can’t justify the environmental damage we are doing.”
Groh says he looked for ways to mitigate the damage. “We looked at reforestation projects we could do to make up for all the gases we’d generate, but it turns out there isn’t enough land mass in the world. If we tried to build more land mass, we’d just be creating more greenhouse gases in the process. It’s a real Catch-22,” Groh sighed.
NFL owners at first were reluctant to cancel the activities. “To be honest, we make a lot of money on the Super Bowl activities,” owner Jerry Jones said. “Luckily, we’re all filthy rich already, so none of us will miss a million here or there. Plus the league could use some good publicity to offset the Patriots’ cheating scandal and the Michael Vick thing.”
Groh thinks NFL fans will understand. “It’s for the good of the planet. Everyone will still get to see the game, and that’s what everyone is really interested in,” he said. “That, and the TV commercials.”
BIN LADEN ISSUES FIRST ANTI-AMERICAN RANT SINCE WRITERS GUILD STRIKE BEGAN
HOLLYWOOD - Osama Bin Laden issued his first anti-American diatribe since the Writers Guild Union went on strike last November 5, warning Muslims against supporting Iraq's US-backed government. Bin Laden was able to issue the statement because his writing team is back under a special deal with the Union.
Al-Qaeda had been running reruns of Bin Laden's old anti-U.S. harangues for the past two months, but the ratings have plummeted, causing concern among executives of al-Qaeda's broadcasting division, including its president Abu Les Moonves.
Insiders say that Bin Laden personally arranged for the special deal with the union that allows his writing team to supply him with a full complement of anti-American invective and comedy bits, including his nightly "Top 10 List Why America is Dog Shit."
The deal gives Bin Laden a potentially enormous advantage over Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has failed to broker any such arrangement with the union and now enters his third month without any fresh anti-American tirades.
LOCAL BLACK MAN 'PISSED' THAT HE FORGOT ALL ABOUT KWANZAA THIS YEAR
"I don't know what I'm going to do about this," said Lamar Jones of Bellevue. "It's pretty damn serious!"
STEELERS SIGN OLYMPIC SKIER TO RETURN PUNTS
Team hoping Jeremy Bloom can take advantage of Heinz Field's adverse conditions
Heinz Field ground crew impressed with the field conditions at the Winter Classic hockey game
"We'll work with NHL consultants and put a layer of ice on the field before the Steelers playoff game," a team spokesperson said. "The footing has to be better than what we've had so far."
JAMIE LYNN: CLEMENS IS NOT THE FATHER
HOLLYWOOD -- 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears denied persistent rumors that pitching great Roger Clemens is the father of her baby.
Clemens reportedly addressed the controversy during his interview with the TV news program 60 Minutes, stating emphatically, "At no time did I inject any reproduction enhancing substances into Jamie Lynn Spears."
POPEYE CELEBRATES DEATH OF BHUTTO, THEN APOLOGIZES TO PEOPLE OF PAKISTAN; CLAIMS HE THOUGHT VICTIM WAS LONG-TIME BEARDED NEMESIS
(Village By The Sea) - Popeye the Sailor Man briefly caused an international furor when he made insulting remarks about former Prime Minister Benazhir Bhutto into an open microphone before his weekly radio address. “It’s about time. I’ve been praying for this for sixty years. I only hope that Bhutto suffered,” he said, before tapping the microphone. “Is this on?” he asked.
Bhutto was killed by a suicide bomber while leaving a political rally in Rawalpindi, Pakistan last week.
Popeye later disavowed his comments, claiming he thought the victim of the assassination was his long-time arch-rival for the affections of Ms. Olive Oyl, a local woman recovering from anorexia. “I misunderstood. I thought I heard Bluto.”
A spokesman for Mr. Popeye said he had recently undergone surgery for cochlear implants, and was experiencing some difficulty with his hearing. Late yesterday, Popeye issued a statement which read, in part: “As anyone who has followed my career knows, I have nothing but respect for the accomplishments of former Prime Minister Bhutto. I speak for all animated sea-going men in expressing my grief at her passing, and I urge the authorities to bring the person, or persons responsible for this dastardly crime, to a swift and vengeful justice.”
Popeye added that he was sending a case of spinach to the people of Pakistan as a “symbol of solidarity” during this time of mourning.
SARA JANE MOORE IS NAMED CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ASSASSINATION ANALYST
A warm Carbolic Smoke Ball welcome to our new assassination analyst, Sara Jane Moore, who tried to kill President Gerald R. Ford in 1975 and was paroled Monday after 32 years behind bars. ANALYSIS OF BHUTTO ASSASSINATION, BY SARA JANE MOORE - The killing of former Pakistan Prime Minister Benizar Bhutto was really a picture perfect, dead-on execution (excuse the multiple puns!). A gunman positioned himself in just the right spot at just the right time. Tucked away in the crowd, he stood behind and to the left of the vehicle carrying Bhutto when he fired three shots at her with a pistol. His aim was perfect. He properly waited to raise the gun until the right moment when he was ready to take his shot.
What struck me about the shooting was the preparation and the planning. This was not something that someone does by waking up that day and saying, "I think I'll shoot the former Prime Minister today." No, this effort clearly entailed many long hours of training and planning.
From a technical perspective, I give this one FOUR GUNS.
KWANZAA FESTIVITIES COME TO JOYFUL, IF UNCERTAIN, END
96% of revelers say they still have no idea what the hell they're celebrating
TRAGEDY STRIKES EDWARDS CAMPAIGN
Candidate's protective cup falls off during final Iowa debate, Clinton immediately rips open his scrotum, severely damages gonads.
JAMIE LYNN: LUKE IS NOT THE DAD
HOLLYWOOD -- Sixteen-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears denied persistent rumors that Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is the father of her baby. A spokesman for the mayor said, "Like, that is so bogus. Everybody knows that the mayor does not date girls out of his grade."
WECHT: BHUTTO REALLY DIED OF AIDS
Indicted former coroner says lack of autopsy, suspicion that former prime minister was "loose Gentile woman," informs his diagnosis
WVU SUSPENDS MBA PROGRAM FOLLOWING CONTROVERSY
Independent panel to probe how University awards degrees
PITTSBURGH RAISES NEW YEAR'S BALL INSTEAD OF DROPPING IT
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh ushered in the new year by raising a giant, thousand-pound, glowing ball nicknamed "The Future of Pittsburgh" atop a 74-foot flagpole on the Highmark building, directly above the landmark Hornes Christmas tree. The ball wasn’t dropped as it is in New York's Times Square because city health officials feared that would trigger post-traumatic stress flashbacks among Pirates fans.
Mayor Ravenstahl had a simpler explanation: "We decided to take what’s worked perfectly well for as long as anyone can remember in a big honkin', vibrant city like New York and do the exact the opposite."
Former Mayor Sophie Masloff said that "this is the biggest ball raised in Pittsburgh since Big Ben put on his jock."
BABY NEW YEAR CHARGED WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT OF 27-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
Baby New Year, the beloved, iconic symbol of a fresh start, was arrested this morning in connection with the sexual assault of a 27-year-old woman at a New Years Eve party on Long Island. Baby's agent, Michael Ovitz, told reporters that Baby "flatly denies" the assault allegations. Ovitz said that Baby's interactions with the accuser "were consensual" and that she "concocted the [assault] charges only after Baby rebuffed her advances" following an evening of intimate bliss. "These wild accusations are the garden-variety byproduct of a jilted lover's scorn," Ovitz explained.
When a police officer went to arrest Baby, Baby told him, "Don't tase me, bro." The officer handcuffed him, and while he was being led into custody Baby told reporters, "I'm just the patsy." If convicted, Baby could face up to 40 years imprisonment and be required to register as a sex offender for the remainder of his life.
Baby's arrest comes just two weeks after Father Time was arrested on charges of child molestation.
LOCAL MAN'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION CALLS FOR 'FAR LESS' RAIN
PITTSBURGH - Local outdoorsman and bon vivant Noah Swayne, 38, has successfully achieved his New Year's resolutions for seven consecutive years, including giving up chewing tobacco, losing weight and adopting an exercise routine. This year he says he's going after "the big one."
"We get way too much rain in Pittsburgh," said Swayne. "It needs to stop."
Swayne's New Year's resolution is to reduce the rainy days in Pittsburgh by 50%. "I know the farmers aren't going to be happy with me," he said sheepishly, "but damn it, somebody's got to take a stand." Swayne says if he achieves this resolution, "next year I'm going to do something about Iraq."
'UMBRELLA MAN' FROM JFK ASSASSINATION SPOTTED AT BHUTTO SHOOTING
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Louie Steven Wilt, the umbrella-wielding bystander at the assassination of President John F. Kennedy who some conspiracy theorists believe was part of a plot to murder the president, was spotted in the crowd at the assassination of Pakistan opposition leader Benizir Bhutto.Video of the Bhutto murder shows Wilt several feet from Bhutto's armoured car immediately before she was shot. Wilt opened and waved an umbrella in Bhutto's direction, and Bhutto can be seen turning toward him and mouthing, "Oh, no, it's Umbrella Man." Then the fatal gunfire erupted.
Wilt, dubbed "Umbrella Man" because he opened and waved an umbrella several feet away from Kennedy's motorcade in Dallas just seconds before the President was shot on November 22, 1963, has been accused by some of sending secret signals with his umbrella to the JFK shooters. Moments after the President's motorcade sped away, photographs show Wilt casually sitting on a curb of the grassy knoll, above.
Wilt denied any connection with the Bhutto shooting, claiming it "was all just a crazy mix-up," and that he was in Pakistan "for fun and relaxation, not to murder anyone. I'm at the point that I hate leaving the house when it rains for fear of creating a panic when I open my umbrella," he said.
BAR OWNERS DROP LEGAL FIGHT OVER DRINK TAX, SAY THEY'LL OFFER UP THEIR PAIN FOR THE SUFFERING SOULS IN PURGATORY
"We felt very guilty about all the fuss we were making about the tax once we stopped and thought about the souls in purgatory," said one downtown bar owner
ALLEGHENY COUNTY RESTAURANTS REFUSE TO SERVE JUDGE O'BRIEN, DAN ONORATO
10% drink tax takes effect Tuesday
BHUTTO DIED BY BANGING HEAD ON CAR'S SUNROOF FOLLOWING AL-QAEDA GUNFIRE
Secret Service seeks to avoid copycat incident with Bush, will keep him away from sunroofs
LEE HARVEY OSWALD CALLS EMERGENCY NEWS CONFERENCE TO BLAST 'COWARDLY' BHUTTO KILLER
Oswald says that assassin, who blew self up after killing ex-Prime Minister, "had no self respect"
JACK RUBY CHIMES IN, CONDEMNS BHUTTO KILLER AS 'COWARD'
Pundits applaud rare showing of solidarity between Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald
BUSH NOMINATES BILL BELICHICK TO BE THE NEXT ATTORNEY GENERAL
"I like a man who believes that rules need 'interpretation,'" the President said. "Someone who isn't squeamish about a little unauthorized surveillance. Bill's just the kind of guy we need at the Justice Department."
WEST VIRGINIANS RIOT BHUTTO MURDER
Protestors say this "may be" the last opportunity of the year to burn couches
BUSH VISITS EYE DOCTOR WITH RARE VISION CONDITION
Even his hindsight is not 20/20
Respected Ophthalmologist Dr. Vincent Altieri briefed the press today on the results of President Bush's recent eye examination. Clearly dismayed by the results, Altieri said he's never seen anything quite like it.
"In all my years of practice, every patient I've treated has had perfect 20/20 vision, at least in hindsight. But the President is unable to see clearly, even when looking back."
The exam was scheduled after Bush complained that he was not able to see what almost everyone else in the country is able to discern regarding events such as the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the scandals at the Justice Department.
“I clearly presented the facts to the President in 100-point black type on a white background. But, surprisingly, he wasn’t able to distinguish even the most widely-accepted views on these issues, out of either eye,” Altieri said.
Although another round of vision tests is scheduled, Altieri admitted that the president’s hindsight issues may not be the result of any problems with his eyes, but perhaps hint at a more serious neurological disorder.
"In all my years of practice, every patient I've treated has had perfect 20/20 vision, at least in hindsight. But the President is unable to see clearly, even when looking back."
The exam was scheduled after Bush complained that he was not able to see what almost everyone else in the country is able to discern regarding events such as the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the scandals at the Justice Department.
“I clearly presented the facts to the President in 100-point black type on a white background. But, surprisingly, he wasn’t able to distinguish even the most widely-accepted views on these issues, out of either eye,” Altieri said.
Although another round of vision tests is scheduled, Altieri admitted that the president’s hindsight issues may not be the result of any problems with his eyes, but perhaps hint at a more serious neurological disorder.
EMPLOYEE CONVINCES BOSS THAT STAPH INFECTIONS ORIGINATE IN STAFF MEETINGS
PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, controller for downtown law firm Murray & Haas, has found a way to eliminate "useless" staff meetings. Roadhouse convinced his boss, old man Haas, that the deadly staph infection originates in staph meetings.
"I was shocked," said Haas. "So until they get this staph infection thing under control, there will be no more staff meetings."
TIGER ESCAPES FROM SAN FRANCISCO ZOO; MAYOR RAVENSTAHL VOLUNTEERS TO HELP CATCH IT
"It's his lifelong dream to catch one, and he should be credited for that," said Alecia Sirk, the mayor's press secretary.
Ravenstahl Warns City Council: "UPMC Tax Credit Crucial To Economic Revitalization Plan For City"
"Myself, I think we absolutely must give UMPC their tax breaks," Mayor Ravenstahl admonished City Council. "Sure, at the end of the day it will leave a divot -- rather, a hole in the budget. But that shortfall will be made up by new businesses and suburbanites who will move to the city because of The Pittsburgh Promise. Sure, many of those businesses will get TIFs and many new homeowners will have 10-yr property tax abatements, but that shortfall will be made up by the extra taxes generated by the new casino and the hockey arena. Sure, those tax dollars have already been promised for neighborhood development, but we can easily make up that shortfall by the extra garbage we're picking up in Wilkinsburg. True, the Wilkinsburg garbage contract is break-even at best. To be honest, it might even be a little short. But what we lose in per-pound profits, we can certainly make up in volume….."
PACKERS LINEBACKER NICK BARNETT ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH ON PRETZEL
Lucky for Barnett, Dr. Henry Heimlich is an NFL referee, and he happened to be assigned to cover the game.
PATRIOTS' WIVES, GIRLFRIENDS LEAVE THEIR 'PERFECT BUT BORING' MEN
In the past several weeks, the wives and girlfriends of virtually every player on the New England Patriots have left their men. The women all gave the same reason: the boys are perfect on the field and in the bedroom, but they're as boring as hell."They've lost their mystique," said Gisele Bündchen, Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend who moved out last week, echoing a common sentiment. "Tom goes through the same routines night after night, like a trained parrot. He never fumbles, always hits his mark, executes perfectly. The first time you experience it, you think it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to you -- perfect, as a matter of fact. But 'perfect' over and over is predictable and dull."
Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Troy Brown and other Patriots complain their women dumped them even though they've been perfect husbands or boyfriends. Laurence Maroney lamented that his wife left him even though "every night I blasted through a gaping hole and made a pefect run into the end zone. Sure, there wasn't much variety, but that's the price of perfection."
The ladies are unanimous in blaming Bill Bellichick, the Patriots' coach, for turning the boys into "robots." Bündchen revealed that she found Bellichick's "Official Patriots' Bedroom Playbook" in Tom Brady's underwear drawer several weeks ago. She concedes the plays are ingenious. "It made the Kama Sutra look like a children's book." But when she realized that Brady has been following the book to the letter, that's when she decided enough was enough.
"I guess it's back to the drawing board," Bellichick sighed. "Give me a week and I'll come up with some unpredictable plays so the women won't think the guys are so perfect."
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