GOV. RENDELL CLIMBS LADDER IN MARKET SQUARE AND TOSSES MONEY TO DELIGHTED CROWD, REMINDS PITTSBURGH TO VOTE

PITTSBURGH - In a Market Square campaign rally downtown Pittsburgh before an enthusiastic crowd last night, Governor Ed Rendell pledged that he would "continue to be a prudent and responsible steward of your hard-earned tax money."

Then he climbed a ladder with a basket filled with money and began tossing bills to the delighted, grasping hordes of onlookers. "Let's spread some of this hard-earned tax money around to the voters," he yelled. Police estimate that the Governor gave away in excess of $1 million dollars.

At one point a step on the ladder appeared to be bending beneath Rendell's considerable girth, but he simply moved up a step, which seemed more secure.

As the bills gently floated down in the cool October night air, Rendell's spirits soared. "You've heard of trickle-down economics," Rendell roared to the crowd, "well, this is float-down economics."

Some called Rendell's largesse a blatant attempt to buy votes in the election three weeks away. Rendell disagreed. "At no time did I suggest to this crowd that there is a quid pro quo to vote for me in exchange for this money," he said. "These good people can reach that conclusion on their own."

MADONNA ADOPTS MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL

RARE PHOTO: ROLLING STONES AT CHURCHILL DOWNS

BEFORE THE GROUP TOOK THE STAGE, THEY SURPRISED THEIR FANS BY RACING AROUND THE TRACK: MICK JAGGER, WITH HIS TOOTHY GRIN AND FLOWING MANE, FINISHED FIRST; KEITH RICHARDS BROUGHT UP THE REAR

FIREFIGHTER ARRESTED FOR EXPOSING SELF AT STEELERS GAME

ARRESTING OFFICER REFUSES TO PROVIDE DETAILS: "HE'S A FIREFIGHTER WITH AN EXTENSION HOSE -- USE YOUR IMAGINATION"

JURY SELECTION BEGINS IN TRIAL OF JOEY PORTER'S DOGS; DOGS' LAWYER SEEKS CHANGE OF VENUE TO A GRANT STREET FIRE HYDRANT

NEW POLL REVEALS VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE LIE IN POLLS

POLL HAS MARGIN OF ERROR OF 100%

U.N. RESOLUTION AIMS TO STOP INTERNATIONAL SEX SLAVE TRADE, STARTING WITH CONGRESSIONAL PAGE PROGRAM

PIRATES SIGN T-BALL PITCHER WHO INTENTIONALLY THREW AT AUTISTIC BOY ON COACH'S OFFER OF $25

BUCS' GM TOUTS PITCHER'S CONTROL AND WILLINGNESS TO TAKE DIRECTION "EVEN IF IT GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL FIBER OF HIS BEING"

PITTSBURGH - The first time Keith Reese Jr., now 9, was offered money to play baseball, it was $25 to hurl two balls at an autistic teammate. That was last season, and the man who made that offer, Reese's coach, Mark R. Downs Jr., 29, was sentenced last week to serve one to six years in jail for corruption of minors.

Now, the Pittsburgh Pirates have considerably upped the ante, offering young Reese the major league minimum of $327,000 to pitch for them next year.

Pirates GM Dave Littlefield said Reese exhibits "pin-point control and a willingness to take direction, even if it goes against every moral fiber of his being. That's the kind of player the Pittsburgh Pirates are looking for."

Manager Jim Tracy said that Reese will be the Pirates' enforcer. "When I need to hit a batter in the groin," Tracy said, "Keith is going to be my 'go-to' guy."

MAYOR NAMES DENNIS REGAN BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl announced this morning at his weekly news conference that he has appointed former O’Connor administration Chief of Staff Dennis Regan as the twelfth Bishop of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh, succeeding Donald Wuerl, who was appointed Archbishop of Washington, D.C.

Ravenstahl said area Catholics could no longer wait for the Vatican to name a successor to Bishop Donald Wuerl, who was installed as Archbishop of Washington D.C. in June.

City council member Twanda Carlisle said she was "deeply disappointed" that a white male was elevated to Bishop because it shows "an insensitivity to diversity." She called on the Mayor to abide by the recommendation of her paid consultant, her mother's boyfriend, who recommended that Carlisle be named Bishop.

Diocesan spokesman Father Ron Lengwin said the Mayor’s decision is not recognized by the Church. Father Lengwin also expressed concern about Regan’s qualifications. "In the first place," said Lengwin, "he’s not a priest. I don't know if he's Catholic, and that whole live-in girlfriend business is also a problem." When told of Lengwin’s reaction, the Mayor scoffed. "Do you think I worry about things like qualifications when I’m trying to find Dennis Regan a job?"

Bishop Regan is scheduled to make a televised address on EWTN later today. The new Bishop is expected to announce the dismissal of Father Lengwin as diocesan spokesman.

Diocesan officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, believe Regan will use the speech to name his live-in girlfriend, City of Pittsburgh senior secretary Margaret Cassidy, as Lengwin’s successor.

COWHER PRAISES FANS, CITES OBESE, SHIRTLESS MEN IN CROWD AS INSPIRATION

PITTSBURGH - Coach Bill Cowher cited the crowd in Sunday’s home game as a critical factor in the Steelers victory over the Chiefs. Cowher made his remarks during his weekly press conference. "Nothing inspires a professional athlete more than to look in the stands and see an overweight, shirtless man waving a piece of yellow cloth," said Cowher. "When you see a person like that, and you realize that coming to this game might have been the first time he got off the couch, or out of bed in the past week, you feel obligated to win. Not for yourself. But for people like him."

Cowher also extended his gratitude to the anonymous fan seated in Section 516, Row Q. "During the past several home games, this fellow has been yelling at me to give the ball to Najah." Cowher was referring to Steelers running back Najah Davenport, who scored the Steelers final offensive touchdown in Sunday’s game. "I realize now I should have been listening to him all along. I only wish I knew his name so I could thank him personally." Cowher encouraged the man, as well as every other fan in attendance, to continue to shout suggestions at the top of their lungs, no matter how far they are from the playing surface at Heinz Field.

"I know that Ben credits a fellow in Section 524, Row L, for helping him find wide receiver Nate Washington on what turned out to be a forty-seven yard touchdown pass," said Cowher. "We always appreciate the input of our fans."

HAWAII GOVERNOR VISITS JACK LORD STATE PARK, DECLARES MASSIVE POMPADOUR SAFE, STRUCTURALLY SOUND

HONOLULU - After completing a thorough inspection following Sunday’s strong earthquake, Governor Linda Lingle met with reporters this morning to pronounce Jack Lord State Park "open for business." The park, named after beloved cultural icon Jack Lord, features a one-hundred foot pompadour modeled after the one worn by Lord on the popular television series "Hawaii Five-O."

The earthquake and its aftershocks disrupted power lines and did extensive damage to buildings near the epicenter. Offices at the Chin Ho Kelley Government Center, along with all public schools, remained closed today. In the aftermath of the earthquake, Lingle shared some good news. "I am pleased to report to all of you that the shifting of tectonic plates at the Earth’s core failed to move a single hair from Mr. Lord’s pompadour," said Lingle. "Truly, this hair was built to last." Lingle said she expected vacationers and residents alike to be enjoying visits to the park within a matter of days. "We just need final clearance from our engineers."

Each year, thousands of people climb the pompadour, a feat known as "scaling McGarrett." The park, and the pompadour, generate millions of dollars for Hawaii’s economy. Lingle said she has received assurances from the Public Works Department that Lord’s hair could remain upright even in the face of a catastrophic natural disaster.

STEELERS BEAT CHIEFS 45-7; KANSAS CITY FLAGGED FOR HAIR PULLING, BRA SNAPPING

*NEXT TIME THEY FACE EACH OTHER, STEELERS VOW TO PULL CHIEFS' JOHNSON

*IN WAKE OF LARRY JOHNSON HAIR-PULLING INCIDENT, NFL SAYS CHIEFS WILL BE GOVERNED BY RULES APPLICABLE TO WOMEN'S ROLLER DERBY

COWHER DECLARES SIGNING OF CHAD BROWN A SUCCESS, STEELERS IN TALKS TO BRING BACK "MEAN JOE" GREENE AND JACK LAMBERT

Tigers win the AL Pennant on Ordóñez's homerun; Ex-Fox broadcaster Steve Lyons says, "Ordóñez let his bat do all the habla-ing for him"

NERVOUS TIGERS' SKIPPER LEYLAND RESORTED TO SMOKING HIS INDEX FINGER DURING GAME, TREATED FOR BURNS

DETROIT - The Detroit Tigers became the unlikely winners of the American League pennant last night when they beat the Oakland A's 6-3 on Magglio Ordóñez's three-run homerun in the bottom of the ninth inning.

Ousted Fox baseball broadcaster Steve Lyons saluted the native of Caracas, Venezuela: "He let his bat do all the habla-ing for him."

Lyons was fired after racially insensitive remarks to his on-air partner Lou Piniella during Friday night's AL championship game. Lyons said Piniella was "hablaing Espanol" and he accused Piniella of stealing his wallet. This morning, Lyons defended his remarks by noting that he never knew "Lou Piniella" was a Hispanic name but thought it had an Italian derivation. "I thought he lifted it from a Chico Marx character in a Marx Brothers' movie, the same way he lifted my wallet."

Tigers manager Jim Leyland was briefly treated in a Detroit hospital following the game for burns to his right hand. Leyland had become so nervous during the game that he started smoking his index finger.

BREAKING NEWS: LOOKING TO END SLUMP, TROY POLAMALU SHAVES HEAD, IS BARELY RECOGNIZABLE

PITTSBURGH - Here is the first startling picture of popular Pittsburgh Steeler safety Troy Polamalu after he shaved his famous head of hair, taken at the annual Little Sisters of the Poor charity dinner Saturday night. Polamalu said the shave was prompted by his hope that it will end the Steeler's slump. The team has lost its last three games. Polamalu's appearance was so altered that he was barely recognizable. Some attendees at the dinner commented that he now resembles well-known Pittsburgh attorney Bill Moorhead.

"I think I'm going to grow it back," Polamalu told a reporter. "I'll bet you the next time anybody sees me, my old hair will be back and nobody will even realize I'd had a hair cut."

JIM LEYLAND DREAMS WHAT HE'LL SAY TO HIS OLD MENTOR, TONY LA RUSSA, IF HE FACES HIM IN THE WORLD SERIES

I've been waiting for you, Obi Wan. We meet again, at last. [Puff, puff on cigarette] The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master. [Puff, puff]

ED BENEDICT, THE ANIMATOR WHO DESIGNED THE FLINTSTONES, DIES AT 94

ON THE HALF-MILE RIDE TO THE CEMETERY, THE HEARSE PASSED THE SAME CRUDELY DRAWN ROCK HOUSE AND CACTUS 47 TIMES

Editorial: Would it kill the PGA to let Arnold Palmer win one more tournament?

EDITORIAL - I am sick at heart.

Arnold Palmer announced that he is through with tournament play after four miserable holes in a Champions Tour event in Texas. Finished; kaput.

This is how we let The King go out -- four miserable holes playing a bunch of has-beens? (For those youngsters in the audience, make no mistake: Arnold Palmer was The King long before Elvis.) This is a man who won 29 PGA tournaments between 1960 and 1963 alone and still has more charisma in his little putter than all the current crop of no-names combined.

Here is my proposal. Would it kill the PGA to give Arnie, not to mention the proud but decrepit veterans of "Arnie's Army," one final thrill on their way to that 18th hole in the sky by letting The King win one last tournament?

Mr. Palmer hasn't won a PGA Tour event since the "Bob Hope Classic" in 1973, or a Senior PGA Tour event since 1988. But what greater tribute could the cavalcade of no-names who inhabit the PGA leader board (that Woods fellow aside) give Arnie than to outright cheat and throw a tournament for him?

Granted, it would look somewhat suspicious if every contestant on the links, except Mr. Palmer, suddenly started shooting in the low 90's. And, yes, it would tarnish the integrity of the game, not to mention the fact that it probably would be a crime of one sort or another.

But if that's the price to pay homage to The King, so be it.

How about it? Are you with me? Or would you deny this trifling honor to one who has given mankind so many thrills?

I believe I can hear them, way out there, over the hill. They are old, and they are tired, but they are still the Army.

And they are assembling for one final charge.

SANTORUM-CASEY DEBATE

"I KNOW THAT A LOT OF GAY PEOPLE HATE ME. WOULD IT HELP TO TELL THEM THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, I AM PICTURING MR. CASEY WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES?"

SHAKE-UP CONTINUES AT CITY HALL: MAYOR SUSPENDS HIS GRASS CUTTER

PITTSBURGH - Following Mayor Ravenstahl's suspension yesterday of Operations Director Dennis Regan and Zone One Commander Catherine McNeilly, the Mayor's purge continued today when he placed his grass cutter, 16-year old Julianna Brown, on indefinite leave pending an investigation into her lawn cutting techniques. The Mayor's wife, a beautician, complained that Ms. Brown was cutting the Ravenstahls' grass too short. Ms. Brown did not immediately return calls for this story.

The move "sends a strong signal to everyone that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is in charge and that he'll act decisively when he needs to," said Council President Doug Shields. "It also serves as a dire warning about the dangers of mowing the grass too short."

"Nobody is immune from my wrath," said Ravenstahl. "I am going to demonstrate to everyone how grown up I am."

46 YEARS AFTER HISTORIC HOME RUN, "DOUBLE PLAY KING" MAZEROSKI CONFESSES HE WAS A FAKE: HID BASEBALLS IN MOUTH TO TURN PLAYS

PITTSBURGH - On the 46th anniversary of Pirates Hall of Famer Bill Mazeroski's home run that beat the Yankees in the 1960 World Series, startling news reveals that Maz was a fake.

For years baseball enthusiasts have tried to figure out Mazeroski could turn double plays so quickly. Now they know. Mazeroski confessed late yesterday that he couldn't hide the truth any longer: He routinely hid baseballs in his mouth.

"I'd field the grounder with my left hand, but I already had a different ball from my mouth in my right hand, ready to make the throw for the double play," Mazeroski said.

Maz's former teammate and manager Bill Virdon is shocked. "I'll be damned! All this time I thought that was a wad of tobacco in his cheek."

"Putting the ball in my mouth was nothing," Mazeroski said. "The real trick was squeezing the glove in there with it. Heck, there was barely room for my sunglasses, wallet and lighter."

DENNIS REGAN IN TROUBLE, IS PLACED ON LEAVE: LOOK WHO'S SMILING NOW

U.N. SET TO SELL NAMING RIGHTS TO MOON TO CLEAR CHANNEL

SOON IT WILL BE "BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY CLEAR CHANNEL MOON"

NEW YORK - Sports teams do it; colleges do it; hospitals and even some playgrounds do it. Almost anyone with a prominent venue is eager to sell its naming rights to businesses looking to trumpet their trademarks.

Tacking company names onto important places isn’t anything new. Both Times Square and Herald Square in New York, for example, were named after major daily newspapers.

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan had never given the concept of naming rights any thought until he was driving to work across the Brooklyn Bridge last April and heard a radio ad for the “International Star Registry” which purports to allow ordinary people to name stars for $54.

“I thought to myself, what a sweet gift that would make for my mother in Ghana,” Annan said. “This led me ponder, who owns the naming rights to the moon? Well, I thought to myself, since the moon revolves around the earth, in that sense the earth controls the moon, so -- I nearly wrecked the car! The U.N. must own the naming rights to the moon, I decided! And that's how the whole damn thing started."

Annan says that several companies have expressed interest in paying more than a billion dollars for the rights. Although he wouldn't name them, it is believed that San Antonio's Clear Channel Communications, Inc. is among the front runners.

Clear Channel's CEO Mark Mays said that if his company consummates the deal, Clear Channel's lawyers likely will insist that references to the moon in all commercial media include the Clear Channel mark. "We're going to have them go back to the old Honeymooner shows and change Ralph Kramden's dialogue so that he says, 'You're going to the Clear Channel moon, Alice.'"

Kofi Annan, for one, doesn't care if people actually call the moon by its paid name. "What the hell do I care what the people call the moon, so long as I get the money?" he bristled. "Do you think the International Star Registry cares if anyone actually calls the stars by the names people choose for them? That little company is going to be the U.N.'s model."

Mays said that Clear Channel is exploring eventually sending morning hosts Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann to the Sea of Tranquility for a week of broadcasts.

Kofi Annan said that the U.N. would also look into selling naming rights to international bodies of water. "One thing is for sure, we ain't making any money calling them the 'Atlantic' and 'Pacific' Oceans."

But first, he said, the moon. Tomorrow, the world.

TRANSCRIPT FROM LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE: SANTORUM DENIES CASEY'S CHARGE THAT HE'S A "DESPERATE" CAMPAIGNER

"Don't try to talk me out of it. Get them off the property right now or these Amish girls are dead in two seconds."

People, people who need people -- SHUT THE F*** UP -- are the luckiest people in the world . . . .

NEW YORK - Barbra Streisand was jeered and heckled at her Madison Square Garden concert while performing a skit lampooning President Bush, until she dropped an unscripted "F" bomb.

"Shut the f*** up! Shut up if you can't take a joke," she exploded at a heckler.

Streisand's outburst not only ended the booing, it elicited frenzied applause more enthusiastic than anything that's greeted her singing in decades.

And Streisand knows a good thing when she hears it. For the remainder of the concert, she sprinkled the "f" word throughout each and every song.

F****** memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty f****** water-colored memories
of the the way we were.

The crowd couldn't get enough of it, up to the moment Barbra blew kisses and said, "You've been a f****** great audience, and I f****** thank you!"

Comedian Andrew Dice Clay attended the concert and was said to be so offended by the language that he left during "F****** happy days are here again."

COWHER GROWS TESTY WHEN ASKED WHY BIG BEN WAS IN IRON LUNG ON SIDELINES DURING SUNDAY'S GAME

"TOO MUCH IS READ INTO HIS HEALTH," SNAPS COACH

PITTSBURGH - Steelers Coach Bill Cowher grew testy when asked by sideline reporters why Ben Roethlisberger was in an iron lung during Sunday's game.

"It's another of these sensationalized stories that these sideline reporters want to create," Cowher said. "It's frankly bothersome that they try to make more than what's there. That machine was just helping Ben catch his breath because the air's so thin in San Diego. He's fine, just leave it at that."

HINES WARD SENT TO NORTH KOREA TO DIFFUSE NUCLEAR STAND-OFF, WILL MISS PRACTICE

PITTSBURGH - Wide receiver Hines Ward, still nursing a hamstring injury that has hampered him all season, is wrestling with a different kind of discomfort this morning. "I feel like I've got the weight of the entire world on my shoulders," said Ward, who hastened to add, "figuratively speaking, of course." Ward received an urgent call from Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice at the Steelers practice facility on the South Side asking him to act as a "special envoy" for President Bush in a series of talks with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.

Ward will fly to Pyongyang immediately after practice today. Coach Cowher excused Ward from practice for the remainder of the week "on grounds of national security."

Ward is expected to ask the North Korean leader to suspend his nuclear program in exchange for Steelers season tickets.

North Korea exploded a nuclear device last Monday, but Ward says that will have no effect on how he prepares for Sunday's game against the Kansas City Chiefs at Heinz Field. "Right now, I'm just trying to take these things one day at a time. I don't want to look past the danger that a nuclear weapon in the hands of a madman like Kim Jong Il poses to the fate of the world. At the same time, we need to play our best to beat a talented, dangerous team like Kansas City."

Ward said he hoped that Jong II would "see things our way." Asked about options for the United States should he fail to accomplish his mission, Ward smiled. "Then we'll have to send Joey Porter."

NEWEST TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE FILM BLAMED FOR HUNDREDS OF COPYCAT CHAINSAW MASSACRES, DEMOCRATS PUSH FOR CHAINSAW RESTRICTIONS

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The newest film in the popular Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is being blamed for hundreds of "copycat" chainsaw massacres across the country over the past week.

The film, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning," was released last Friday. Within seventy-two hours, over three hundred people, in cities from Bangor, Maine, to Spokane were dismembered at the hands of impressionable, deranged, movie lovers.

The director of the film, Jonathan Liebesman, said he was "shocked and appalled" by the actions of "a murderous few." Liebesman, through a publicist, later clarified his remarks. "I was shocked," he said. "But after some reflection, I have concluded that I was not appalled."

Liebesman offered his sympathy, and promised to honor the victims by using their severed limbs as extras in a sequel, tentatively entitled "Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Middle."

Meanwhile, in the nation's capitol, Democrats are calling for increased restrictions on chainsaw purchases. "We've got to rid our society of the scourge of chainsaw related violence," said Representative Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi has introduced legislation requiring a forty-eight hour cooling off period, coupled with background checks, for anyone seeking to purchase a chainsaw.

Predictably, Republicans objected. "If we outlaw chainsaws," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, "only outlaws will have chainsaws."

Hastert assailed Pelosi for her "blatant assault on the Constitutional right of all citizens to own, and enjoy, power tools. Chainsaws don't kill people," said Hastert. "Homicidal maniacs wielding chainsaws kill people."

ROETHLISBERGER DECLARES HE SUDDENLY "HATES PITTSBURGH," WANTS TO BE TRADED

QUARTERBACK REPORTEDLY DATING SIENNA MILLER

SIENNA MILLER CONFRONTS FOLINO'S DOORMAN ON EAST CARSON STREET

"Do you know who I am? I'm Sienna Miller! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!"

This is what happens to folks who are rude at Folino's:

MAYOR: "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'D MAKE A GOOD PUBLIC SAFETY DIRECTOR, WHATEVER THAT IS"

"I have no idea if you're qualified, but if anybody complains about you, I'll withdraw my nomination immediately."

GOV. ED RENDELL DENIES LYNN SWANN'S CHARGE THAT HE IS "HIDING" RUNNING MATE CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL

KNOLL: "EDWARD G. ROBINSON SPEAKS THE TRUTH"

JOHN MARK KARR CHARGED YESTERDAY IN SEPARATE INCIDENTS OF CHILD PORN POSSESSION, MURDER, RAPE, ARSON AND GENOCIDE

THIS MORNING, POLICE DROPPED ALL CHARGES, LET KARR GO FREE

U.S GEOLOGICAL SURVEY WILL NO LONGER USE RICHTER SCALE TO GAUGE MAGNITUDE OF NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR TESTS

NEW, MORE ACCURATE SYSTEM WILL MEASURE DEGREE OF MOVEMENT IN KIM JONG-II'S BOUFFANT HAIRDO

CBS STUMPED BY KATIE COURIC'S PLUMMETING EVENING NEWS RATINGS

FORMER MORNING NEWS DIVA SAYS EVENING ANCHOR JOB IS TOUGHER THAN SHE ANTICIPATED: "THE THING I DIDN'T COUNT ON WAS THE EVENING NEWS AUDIENCE BEING AWAKE."

NEW WQED AFTER DARK TO INCLUDE SEBAK SPECIALS ON SEAMY UNDERBELLY OF PITTSBURGH, ROGERS OUTTAKES

PITTSBURGH - WQED President George Miles announced that the station is launching a sister channel this January designed to appeal to "public television viewers looking for titillation, not information." Miles said the new station, "WQED After Dark," will offer original programming and previously unseen lurid and adult-oriented footage of WQED personalities and programs from the WQED archives. Most of this material, long-rumored to exist, has been sought by public television collectors for years. "We’ve got some stuff that will just blow you away," said Miles.

Asked whether the combing of the QED catacombs has turned up footage of the legendary on-set blow-up between Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely, Miles confirmed it exists. "I’ve seen it. It’s all there," he said. "The choking, the slapping, the waving of the revolver." Miles refused to say when the clip would air, "but it will definitely run during a pledge week, let's leave it at that."

In addition to outtakes, Miles said beloved QED filmmaker Rick Sebak will produce a series of programs dedicated to "revealing the seamy underbelly of our city." Sebak’s first special, "Pittsburgh Brothels That Aren’t There Anymore," featuring classic, grainy black and white footage of Pittsburgh's streetwalkers, will be broadcast on Valentine’s Day. In WQED's lobby, Sebak's calm voice is heard throughout the day as clips of the special play repeatedly: "Madam Tripoli's family has owned this Penn Avenue brothel since the mid '40's. The Madam showed us the system that her grandmother developed, and that she still uses, to let the other girls know a bedroom is being used . . . ."

The show is "by far the best thing Sebak has ever done," according to Miles.

"WQED After Dark" will be available to all Comcast subscribers over the age of 18 starting January 1, 2007.

SADDAM HUSSEIN CONFESSES TO GENOCIDE, CHECKS SELF INTO FACILITY FOR REHABILITATION

BAGHDAD - At the conclusion of Tuesday's court proceedings in Saddam Hussein's trial for crimes against humanity, the former Iraqi president stunned the special tribunal by confessing to genocide in connection with violent campaigns against the Kurds in northern Iraq during the Iran-Iraq War.

Hussein then announced he was checking himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment.

"I have come to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems," Hussein said in a statement. Hussein noted the "events that led to my ouster as President of Iraq have crystallized recognition of my long-standing and significant alcoholism and emotional difficulties."

Hussein then attempted to walk out of the courtroom but was intercepted by three armed guards who returned him to his cell.

COWHER FILES PROTEST: GAME FILMS SHOWED BIG BEN PARALYZED WITH FEAR AS CHARGERS' LINEBACKERS DONNED "MARTHA FLEISHMAN MASKS"

PITTSBURGH - Steelers coach Bill Cowher has filed a formal protest with the NFL against the San Diego Chargers as game films today revealed that during the second half of Sunday night's game, every time the Steelers had possession, as soon as the ball was snapped San Diego's linebackers donned masks bearing a caricature of Martha Fleishman, the woman who was driving the car that struck Roethlisberger's motorcycle last June on Second Avenue in downtown Pittsburgh.

Each time San Diego donned the masks, Roethlisberger was rendered wholly ineffective, frozen with fear. The Steelers were shut out in the second half and gained just 49 yards after intermission. "I can't tell you the last time I lost three games in a row," said Roethlisberger, who threw two interceptions and was sacked five times.

"It was the damnedest thing," said Cowher. "When they put on those masks, you could see the cold sweat break out on Ben's face, and it was as if his feet were planted in cement."

A shaken Roethlisberger spoke briefly with this news source. "I can't explain it, but when I saw that face coming at me, in my mind I was back on my bike on Second Avenue, and there she was, bearing down on me. Only this time, everywhere I looked, there was Martha." Tears streamed down Roethlisberger's face as he spoke.

Steeler partriarch Dan Rooney said he is going to have Rocky Bleier counsel Roethlisberger. "Rocky had the exact same problem with flashbacks to 'Nam and all that. Ben's experience is no different."

BILLY MARTIN, DEAD SINCE 1989, TO MANAGE YANKEES IN 2007

NEW YORK - Yankees' owner George Steinbrenner has tapped Billy Martin, the five-time Yankee manager who died December 25, 1989, to manage the team in 2007. Steinbrenner said he was "deeply disappointed" at his team's elimination in the first round of the AL playoffs by the Detroit Tigers, calling it a "sad failure."

"Billy's the guy I turn to when things need fixed," Steinbrenner said in a prepared statement.

Mr. Martin did not immediately return calls for this story.

PORT AUTHORITY OF MAKE-BELIEVE BEGINS WORK ON NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE TROLLEY, HEFTY TAX TO BE IMPOSED TO PAY FOR MAKE-BELIEVE IMPROVEMENTS

"CAN YOU SAY 'TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE?' ASKS PORT AUTHORITY SPOKESMAN BOB GROVE

PITTSBURGH - The Port Authority of Make-Believe begins work this morning on a three year, fifty million dollar renovation of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe Trolley Line.

The project, which will be done in three phases, involves replacing overhead wires as well as a complete overhaul of track.

"Anyone looking to take a ride into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe on this line should expect significant delays," said Port Authority spokesman Bob Grove. "In the meantime, you may want to consider alternate routes." Grove suggested drugs and alcohol as an affordable way to reach the same destination.

The line was built in the late sixties, and has remained virtually unchanged since. "We’ve had engineers and inspectors from the Federal Highway Safety Commission all over us about this line for at least a decade," said Grove. "Basically, they’re concerned about the safety hazard of pedestrians going under the line to visit the castle of King Friday XIII."

Several people, including Chef Don Brockett and Officer Francois Clemens, have been struck by the Trolley. Both men sustained minor abrasions.

The work should be finished "sometime next year," said Grove. "A lot of it depends on the ability to obtain Make-Believe funding from the legislature." There is a possibility of a regional tax for Western Pennsyvlania counties to pay for the Make-Believe renovations."

This is the first of a series of projects planned for the Neighborhood. Starting in the spring of 2010, work is scheduled to begin on the Museum Go-Round Connector, a one billion dollar extension of the Trolley line that includes a tunnel between a tree inhabited by X the Owl and the factory of Cornflake S. Pecially.

DIRECTOR MARTIN SCORSESE GIVEN COMMAND OF U.S. WAR EFFORT IN IRAQ BECAUSE OF FLAIR FOR STAGING VIOLENCE THAT COMES OUT AS SCRIPTED

WASHINGTON - President Bush today named legendary film director Martin Scorsese as Coadjutor Secretary of Defense and assigned him to command the U.S. war effort in the occupation of Iraq.

White House insiders say that the President had become increasingly impatient with the military's effort to quell the Iraqi insurgency so he decided to hitch the war effort, and likely his administration's place in history, to Scorsese's signature swirling, white-hot directorial style that infuses his films with excitement in every frame.

President Bush said it is his hope that Scorsese's appointment will have an immediate impact. "Martin Scorsese has proven time and again that he is able to stage a crackling, ultraviolent story with breathtaking assurance that sticks closely to a script," said President Bush. "I determined that's what we needed in Iraq."

Scorsese said he has hired William Monahan, screenwriter of The Departed, as assistant Coadjutor Secretary of Defense to craft a "taut script, with an emotionally satisfying ending that will bring the U.S. out on top." He also has retained his long-time editor Thelma Schoonmaker "to keep the narrative moving and eliminate unnecessary delays in the war."

Scorsese vowed "to stick closely to the script with, of course, frequent detours for bursts of explosive, blood-splattered, pop-pop-pop brutality."

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL "FORGIVES" SIENNA MILLER FOR COMMENTS, DROWNS WHILE TRYING TO WALK ACROSS ALLEGHENY

"UNFORTUNATELY, IT SEEMS THE MAYOR HAD DEVELOPED DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR," SAID MAYORAL SPOKESMAN DICK SKRINJAR

JEB BUSH HID FROM ANGRY PITTSBURGH MOB IN SUBWAY CLOSET FRIDAY NIGHT, AND HE'S STILL THERE

FLORIDA GOVERNOR SAYS HE MAY STAY THERE "FOREVER"

PITTSBURGH - Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, in town Friday night for a Duquesne Club fund-raiser for Sen. Rick Santorum, was pursued by a large mob of angry anti-Republican protesters on Sixth Avenue as he approached the private club. Mr. Bush, accompanied by a security guard and a female aide, retreated to the subway station, known in Pittsburgh as a "T" station, at Wood Street where he descended to the mezzanine level. The unruly mob followed him closely, angrily shouting at him. The mob cornered him in what had quickly become a tense situation.

Port Authority police, including a canine unit, arrived at the scene, and the governor was ushered into a T-station supply closet for his safety.

The crowd eventually was dispersed but Bush refused to come out of the closet, saying he "feared for his life."

The governor still remains in the closet.

Late Friday evening, Senator Santorum and other friends of the governor were brought to the T station to try to coax the governor out, and the governor's brother and father phoned him imploring him to do the same. None of their entreaties succeeded.

"I shall never come out," the governor shouted through the metal door. "This closet shall be my tomb."

Eventually the police and Bush's friends decided there was nothing more they could do, so they left.

Stephen Bland, CEO of the Port Authority Transit, said that "there is no problem" with Bush staying in the closet indefinitely. "Andy Warhol did it for years." Bland explained that Madalyn Murray O'Hair and Jimmy Hoffa both occupy closets at undisclosed locations in the Pittsburgh subway system, and Amelia Earhart is hiding in a closet beneath the former train station that is now the Grand Concourse.

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL FEATURED IN TODAY'S POST-GAZETTE

"One of America's great Web sites"

BREAKING NEWS . . .

PITTSBURGH - Brian O'Neill of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, widely credited with leading the charge to undo the state legislators' illegal pay grab last year, was awarded the third Pulitzer Prize in the history of the newspaper today for his column about The Carbolic Smoke Ball titled "One of America's great Web sites," which appears in today's Post-Gazette on page A-2. O'Neill won in the category of Public Service and Breaking News Reporting.

The Pulitzer Prize Board broke with tradition and issued a laudatory statement declaring O'Neill's column "quite possibly the greatest, most insightful column ever written on American soil."

The Block family, owners of the Post-Gazette, issued a congratulatory statement, of sorts: "All Post-Gazette writers are expected to achieve, on a daily basis, quality in their work warranting a Pulitzer Prize. The Blocks do not think it appropriate to utilize this happy occasion to publicly comment on the chronic absence of such quality in the work of certain nameless writers of this paper. Rather, we will reserve such criticisms for widespread dissemination in publications such as The City Paper. Nevertheless, in recognition of Mr. O'Neill's achievement, we are pleased to award him a brand new bicycle. The Blocks are grateful that O'Neill eschews driving a car to work since a bicycle is more in keeping with the current financial state of the paper."

O'Neill beat out the New York Times for its reporting on the Darfur crisis and, ironically, the Post-Gazette's own Barbara Cloud for her August 6th column, "Memories of past columns reminiscing about miserable events in bygone days."

Pittsburgh has two new naming contests . . .

THE ZOO HAS A "NAME THE POLAR BEARS" CONTEST.

THE CORONER'S OFFICE HAS A "NAME THE UNIDENTIFIED CORPSE" CONTEST

SIENNA MILLER CRUCIFIED FOR REMARKS ABOUT PITTSBURGH

BODY TO HANG FROM CROSS FOR ONE WEEK "AS A WARNING TO OTHERS"

PITTSBURGH - In a pre-dawn autumn mist, actress Sienna Miller was dragged by armed Pittsburgh guards from her posh hotel room at the Omni William Penn this morning and forcibly taken to Mount Washington where she was crucified overlooking the city as the sun rose. Ms. Miller expired at 7:48 a.m.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl issued the death warrant following news that Ms. Miller disparaged Pittsburgh in the issue of Rolling Stone Magazine that hits newstands today. Ms. Miller referred to Pittsburgh, where she had been filming a movie called The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, as "sh*tsburgh."

Early this morning, Mayor Ravenstahl invoked the penalty provisions of an old Pennsylvania statute, "Prohibition Against Public Disparagement of Cities of the Second Class by National Media Figures," which calls for the death penalty for any violation.

Ms. Miller was taken to Mount Washington aboard the Duquesne Incline, one of Western Pennsylvania's numerous attractions she had not seen prior to her improvident remark. During the ride, she blurted out to the guards restraining her, "This is pretty cool."

Mayor Ravenstahl said that Miller's body will hang from the cross situated across the street from the Trimont for one week "as a warning to others." Sightseers are urged to park as far from Grandview Avenue as possible to avoid traffic congestion.

The director of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Rawson Marshall Thurber, said Miller's execution "is no great loss -- her acting was sh*tty anyway."

DEFENSE DEPARTMENT REACTIVATES FRANCO'S ITALIAN ARMY, WILL DEPLOY ELITE FIGHTING, DRINKING UNIT TO IRAQ

WASHINGTON - Faced with increasing casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan, compounded by a drop in recruitment levels, the Defense Department announced today it has returned Franco's Italian Army to active duty. Franco's Italian Army, an elite fighting and drinking unit, served with valor and distinction during the Oakland Raider wars of the 1970's. The Army was decommissioned following the Steelers' second Super Bowl victory in 1975. Except for a failed attempt at rescuing American embassy employees held during the Iranian hostage crisis in 1979, Franco's Italian Army hasn't seen action in over twenty-five years.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made the announcement at a news conference this morning. Speaking to reporters at the Pentagon, Rumsfeld said the situation in Iraq left him no choice.

"I regret to inform the soldiers of Franco's Army who are being summoned to active duty that we are unable to honor any requests for deferment."

Rumsfeld also warned members thinking of fleeing to Canada that they will be charged with desertion. "May I remind you," said the Secretary, "the penalty for desertion is forfeiting your Steelers season tickets, with a minimum of ten years before your name can be added to the waiting list."

All members of Franco's Italian Army receiving notice of "active" status from the Defense Department are asked to reassemble in the Heinz Field parking lot at 0600 tomorrow. Following six weeks of basic training, the men will deploy to Fallujah.

LEMIEUX INITIATES EVICTION PROCEEDINGS AGAINST SIDNEY CROSBY DUE TO RAUCOUS, UNRULY PARTYING WITH MAYOR, OTHER YOUTHS

CROSBY, RAVENSTAHL AND OTHER BOYS TURN LEMIEUX'S POSH MANSION INTO FRAT HOUSE WITH NIGHTLY ORGIES

SEWICKLEY, Pa. - Mario Lemieux filed an action yesterday to evict his tenant, 19-year old Pittsburgh Penguins star center Sidney Crosby, from Lemieux's posh Sewickley home. Court papers filed by Lemieux allege that Crosby has engaged in repeated unruly and disorderly conduct with Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and other unnamed youths at the home, marked by "nightly orgies and all manner of unnatural carnal relations with members of the opposite sex and other entities," in material breach of Crosby's lease with Lemieux.

The usually reserved Lemieux also alleged in the court papers that "Mr. Crosby and Mayor Ravenstahl have transformed 630 Academy Avenue [in Sewickley] into a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing themselves with its foulest defilement, splash, leap, cavort and wallow these bifurcated specimens that respond to the names Crosby and Ravenstahl."

Crosby refused to comment on this story, and Ravenstahl was unavailable to comment since he was conducting a cabinet meeting.

FORMER REP. FOLEY CLAIMS HE WAS MOLESTED AS A CHILD BY AMISH KILLER CHARLES CARL ROBERTS IV

. . . AND ROBERTS' SUICIDE NOTE CLAIMED THAT HE WAS MOLESTED AS A CHILD BY FORMER REP. FOLEY