"BACKYARD BRA" A BUST FOR PITT; PANTHERS PERFORMANCE SAGS IN SECOND HALF, THEY PLAY LIKE BOOBS

MOST DISAPPOINTING PITT TEAM OF ANY IN RECENT MAMMARY

JEB BUSH COMPLAINS ABOUT PITTSBURGH FOOD FROM T-STATION CLOSET WHERE HE'S STILL HIDING

PITTSBURGH - Florida Governor Jeb Bush is still holed up in a closet of the Wood Street T-Station downtown, where he's been since October 6. Bush was in town that night to attend a Duquesne Club fund-raiser for Sen. Rick Santorum when he was pursued by a large mob of angry anti-Republican protesters on Sixth Avenue. The Governor retreated to the subway station where Port Authority police ushered him into a supply closet for his safety.

Since then, Bush has refused to come out for fear that the rabid liberal mob will do him harm. Food is delivered to him by the Republican State Committee three times a day, and his sole recreation is to listen to a radio.

Yesterday, Bush granted his first interview through the door of the closet since he went into hiding, and he used the occasion to complain about Pittburgh food. "It stinks," said the Governor in a surly tone. "They gave me this weird sandwich from some place called Primanti's, and I had to quit eating it because it was such a mess," the Governor said. "There's not enough napkins in the world to clean up after that mess."

Bush said that Pittsburgh radio is "terrible," aside from WDVE's Morning Show, especially Fridays when The Carbolic Smoke Ball's Weekly Round-Up is aired. "Those Carbolic guys are truly geniuses," the Governor said. "It's worth being imprisoned in Pittsburgh just to hear them."

MARTHA STEWART PROVIDES HELPFUL TIPS TO MOUNTAINEER FANS PLANNING POST-GAME RIOT

MORGANTOWN - Martha Stewart broadcast her popular television show, "Martha Stewart Living," live from the campus of West Virginia University Thursday evening. The University was selected by Ms. Stewart because it has a long history of "spontaneous, violent eruptions." The show aired immediately following the conclusion of the football game between West Virginia and the University of Pittsburgh. Ms. Stewart said she looked forward to showing rowdy Mountaineer fans the best way to burn furniture. Guests included WVU President David C. Hardesty, Jr., who shared his favorite recipe for squirrel stew, and United States Senator Robert Byrd, who led a drunken mob in a ceremonial tipping of the first car.

The Senator declined offers to join the mob in flipping a school bus. "Maybe ten years ago, gang," he hollered. "But not tonight."

Speaking to reporters before the show, Ms. Stewart beamed. "There is no better way to celebrate a new promotion, an anniversary, or a football victory than by dousing a favorite couch or chair in kerosene and setting it aflame," she said. "However, it's important to remember when choosing the furniture you're going to burn that some fabrics are more flammable than others." When asked to choose her preferred furniture for burning, she responded without hesitation. "Anything from Value City makes a delightful fireball against the night sky," she said, before adding her catch-phrase, "and that's a good thing."

Ms. Stewart said she hoped the information provided by her show would allow Mountaineer fans to have a more enjoyable post-victory riot. "And for additional tips," she added, "including the best way to make a Molotov cocktail, visit my web-site."

JOE PATERNO TO BE TRANSPORTED TO BEAVER STADIUM SATURDAY FOR PENN STATE'S SEASON FINALE

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PHOTO FROM RUMSFELD'S RETIREMENT PARTY

OUTGOING SECRETARY OF DEFENSE LEAVES THE WAR, TAKES THE CANNOLI

HANDS-TRANSPLANT PATIENT MEETS, SLAPS FACE OF FACE-TRANSPLANT PATIENT

WASHINGTON - Tina Sambonia, the world's first hands-transplant patient, met Roberto Luis Montoya, the world's first face-transplant patient, at last night's annual National Institutes of Health fundraiser.

"We thought it would be a real hoot to have them meet, you know, from a scientific perspective," said Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, who performed both transplant surgeries.

But the meeting did not go as planned. Unbeknownst to Dr. Roadhouse, the transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated the face for the face transplant. That marriage ended unhappily because of the man's indiscretions. When the two transplant patients met last night, the hands-transplant patient involuntarily began slapping the face of the face-transplant patient. Security guards quickly separated the two as the fundraiser's guests watched in stunned silence.

"Through my work with the World Health Organization, I've encountered similar phenomena in Haiti," Dr. Roadhouse explained. "To the uninitiated, it can be a little off-putting." Dr. Roadhouse said that as a result of the incident, Mr. Montoya will require additional surgery. "Tina knocked his nose down to his Adam's apple," he chuckled. "I think it's fair to say there hasn't been this much slapping in Washington since the Clintons occupied the White House."

TOYS FOR TOTS AGREES TO ACCEPT DONATION OF 4,000 O.J. SIMPSON DOLLS

PULL THE STRING AND THE DOLL SAYS: "I WOULD BE A REAL CREEPY DOLL -- IF I HAD MURDERED MY WIFE."

Economists divided as to what caused Milton Friedman's body to crash . . .

SOME BLAME MASSIVE CONTRACTION OF MONEY SUPPLY; OTHERS SAY LACK OF INVESTMENT

CAPED BOY CRIMEFIGHTER WRESTLES CITY-ISSUED IMPALA FROM SUSPENDED OPERATIONS DIRECTOR

PITTSBURGH - A mysterious young superhero in a flamboyant yellow, red and blue costume darted from the sky Wednesday morning to intercept a city-issued Chevy Impala being driven by suspended city operations director Dennis J. Regan as it was pulling into Regan's driveway on Reynolds Street. The flying boy ripped open the driver's door and forcibly removed Regan, then he lifted the car into the air with one hand and flew it to a city parking lot in the strip district. "Suspended city employees have no right to be driving city-issued Impalas," the boy yelled to a stunned Regan. Shocked onlookers applauded and Regan ran into his house.

Earlier in the day, the same costumed superhero hung Christmas ornaments on the highest branches of the giant Christmas tree in front of the City-County building. Later, he was seen comforting a sick falcon perched outside the 38th floor of the Gulf Tower.

"We don't know who he is behind that tight, sexy costume," said City Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle, "but we know we need him."

Council President Doug Shields was less awed by the mysterious wonder boy. "Isn't funny how we never see Superboy in the same place as Mayor Ravenstahl?" he asked suspiciously.

MOE GREENE FILES LAST-MINUTE BID FOR PITTSBURGH CASINO LICENSE

PROSPECTS HURT BY PENDING BATTERY CHARGES ARISING FROM INCIDENT WHERE HE SLAPPED FREDO CORLEONE AROUND IN PUBLIC FOR BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES TWO AT A TIME

DEER INVADES MELLON FINANCIAL OFFICE AT WATERWORKS MALL, MELLON MUST WAIT FOR DEER SEASON TO KILL IT

PITTSBURGH - A deer charged through the window of Mellon Financial Corporation's office near the Waterworks Mall on Freeport Road early yesterday morning and has been wandering throughout the office ever since, causing thousands of dollars of damage.

Mellon spokesman Ron Gruendl said there is nothing Mellon can do about it until November 27, the day deer firearms season begins. With first light on that Monday, Gruendl will don dark leather camouflage to blend in with the office furniture, then he will climb a tree stand he has constructed that attaches to the grandfather clock in the hallway. "I plan to take back my office," Gruendl said.

"I will tell you this," Gruendl confided. "November 27 can't come soon enough for me. That thing wants to start breeding with something and she keeps eyeing me up."

EMMITT SMITH WINS DANCING WITH THE STARS, FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR POSSIBLE PRESIDENTIAL BID IN 08

LOS ANGELES - Three-time Super Bowl champion Emmitt Smith was declared the winner of ABC's Dancing With The Stars last night, and immediately announced that he was forming a committee to explore a possible run for President in 2008.

"It just seems to be the next logical step," a beaming Smith told reporters, moments after capturing the coveted trophy. The voting was unusually close, but challenger and runner-up Mario Lopez, citing a desire to spare viewers the agony of enduring weeks, if not months, without a clear-cut victor, refused to request a recount.

Former President Jimmy Carter, who served as a Dancing With The Stars election observer, said he was satisfied the process was fair. "I am pleased to say I witnessed no acts of voter intimidation during the contest between Emmitt and Mario," Carter said. He added, "I believe the best man won."

Smith said the committee would be chaired by his dancing partner, Cheryl Burke. "Cheryl and I have such a tremendous rapport," he said. "I trust her instincts." Smith brushed off questions about whether or not he could win in Iowa or New Hampshire . "Nobody thought I could win this election, either," he said. "But I believe America is ready for a change." When asked whether or not he believed America was ready to elect a made-for-television ballroom dancing champion president, Smith grew reflective. "I'd like to think so," he said, softly. "After all, this is the 21st century. But that's what we're going to find out."

O.J. REVEALS ALL TO FOX TV: "HOW I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED JFK, LINCOLN ASSASSINATIONS, IF I HAD DONE THEM"

WTAE TO AIR "SECRETS OF THE STEELERS' PROCTOLOGIST" IN 3-D ON EVENING NEWS

PITTSBURGH - Ever wanted to know what it's like to be up a Steeler's rear end? Well, now you can. Tonight at six and eleven, in a story you'll see only on Channel Four Action News, Wendy Bell takes you on a fantastic voyage deep inside the rectum of your favorite Steelers players and tells you just what's behind their good health. The series, shot entirely in 3-D, was produced in conjunction with WTAE Health Editor Marilyn Brooks, and the National Football League. WTAE News director Bob Longo praised Bell for her courage in going after a story that, in his words, needed to be told. "Our research indicates we have many viewers suffering from anal fissures, as well as anal fistulas," said Longo. "But after seeing Wendy's exclusive report, they're going to realize that not every tight end is a healthy end."

Longo said the series was part of the station's continuing commitment to community health, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. "We're hoping that knowing members of the Pittsburgh Steelers go to a proctologist for an annual check-up may give viewers the courage to see a proctologist on their own." When asked how Bell was able to gain access to body parts normally deemed "out of bounds" for local anchors, Longo smiled. "I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say that Wendy and a team of scientists, safely inside the submarine docked at the Carnegie Science Center , were shrunken to microscopic size and injected into the bloodstream of a very prominent player." Longo declined to identify the player. "You'll have to tune in and see for yourself," he said.

LIGHT UP NIGHT MOVED TO THURSDAY TO ACCOMMODATE INFLUX OF WVU FANS

PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar announced yesterdat that the official date for this season’s “Light Up Night” has been moved one day earlier from this Friday night to Thursday night to coincide with the “backyard brawl” between Pitt and West Virginia . City residents are warned to stay in their homes after dark, and not to leave couches on their porches.

TOM CRUISE EXPLAINS BIZARRE BEHAVIOR OVER PAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS: "BORAT GOT ME DRUNK"

HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise claims that Sacha Baron Cohen, acting as a Kazakh TV reporter known as "Borat," and his film producers got him drunk to dupe him into saying innumerable bizarre things and to engage in behavior he otherwise would not have engaged in over the past eighteen months.

Cruise couch-hopped on Oprah Winfrey's talk show while proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes, criticized the use of antidepressants, claimed that postpartum depression doesn't exist, and became combative with Matt Lauer on the "Today" show.

"Baron Cohen conned me into doing all those things," said Cruise. "When I first shook hands with him I said to myself 'this guy is really weird.' After a year and a half, I really started to smell a rat."

SADDAM INSPIRED BY O.J. SIMPSON, WRITES NEW BOOK: HOW I WOULD HAVE COMMITTED GENOCIDE "IF I DID IT"

Texas Tech Hoops Player Suspended for Attack on Bobby Knight

LUBBOCK – Win No. 871 for Bobby Knight was marred by an incident on the sideline in which replays showed sophomore Michael Prince “chin butting” the Texas Tech head coach’s palm. Texas Tech athletic director Gerald Myers announced earlier this morning that the sophomore forward has been suspended for the remainder of the season for the attack.

Knight was providing technique instruction to the sophomore standout during a game timeout, and seconds later, the player seemingly lost his temper with Knight. “The kid just lunged at my hand with his chin without warning,” said Coach Knight as he recounted the incident in this morning’s press conference. Knight has refused to press criminal charges, although Texas Tech separately announced that it will be beefing up security for Coach Knight for the remainder of the season.

NUN INVOLVED IN RWANDA GENOCIDE OF TUTSIS ALSO STRICT ON GUM CHEWING, TALKING IN CLASS

AFTER TUTSIS IGNORED SISTER'S WARNINGS TO SIT UP STRAIGHT, SHE PROCEEDED TO "WIPE THE SMILE OFF THEIR FACES"

BOB CASEY VISITS ARLEN SPECTER FOR ORIENTATION, LEAVES DISORIENTED

NEW SENATOR DOZES AS SPECTER TELLS HIM HOW HE CONCOCTED "SINGLE BULLET THEORY" OUT OF WHOLECLOTH WHEN HE WAS CHIEF COUNSEL FOR WARREN COMMISSION

COUNTY'S 911 GLITCH RE-ROUTED HUNDREDS OF CALLS TO FEMALE ESCORT SERVICE

WHEN BUSTY CANDY AND OVARIA SHOWED UP AT HEART ATTACK VICTIM TIM MURRAY'S FRONT DOOR, HE DIED ON THE SPOT

PITTSBURGH MAYORAL CANDIDATES LINE UP FOR NEXT YEAR'S RACE

HOLLYWOOD FILM CREW GETS CRANE SHOT OF CANDIDATES TO BE USED IN EXODUS SCENE OF REMAKE OF "TEN COMMANDMENTS"

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, better known as "Baghdad Bob," replaces Dick Skrinjar as mayoral spokesman

"IF I HAD BEEN HERE ALL ALONG, PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE BOB O'CONNOR IS STILL ALIVE"

Republican Chairman Ken Mehlman To Marry Former Steeler QB in Civil Ceremony: “It’s Time This Secret Was No Longer”

Washington D.C. - Just one day after suggestions of his homosexuality were aired by talk show host Bill Maher on “Larry King Live,” Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman sent shockwaves through both Washington and Pittsburgh on the same day.

Mehlman first announced on Sunday morning’s “Meet the Press” that he will be stepping down as RNC Chairman in January, but declined to answer host Tim Russert’s questions about his plans for the future, and also refused to comment on Maher’s speculation about his personal life. Just hours later, however, Mehlman resurfaced in Pittsburgh for an appearance on Fox Network’s “NFL on Fox” with long-time close friend and former Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Terry Bradshaw.

Only minutes into that appearance, Mehlman and Bradshaw shocked the crowd with their surprise announcement that they have been long time companions and plan to marry one another in a civil union in Vermont this coming weekend. Muffled boos first arose from the stunned crowd, until Bradshaw was successful in getting the normally restrained Mehlman to break into dance with him to the tune of the “Steeler Polka.” Just moments later, teary-eyed Steeler fans began clapping and dancing along with Bradshaw and Mehlman. Steeler fan Bob Mierzwa of Carrick summed it all up when he said, “I thought they was just jaggin me at first, but then I realized that Bradshaw was really a queer after all. You can’t criticize the man though, cause he still won those Super Bowl rings for us.”

KENNYWOOD TO TURN KILBUCK WAL-MART SITE INTO THEME PARK CALLED MUDCASTLE

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY PELOSI

RICK SANTORUM TO MOVE TO COMMUNITY WITH OLD-FASHIONED VALUES TO MATCH HIS OWN

BUSH WITHDRAWS GATES NOMINATION FOR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, TAPS JOEY PORTER

PRESIDENT CITES PORTER'S PREDICTION THAT STEELERS WOULD BEAT THE SAINTS: "THAT'S THE KIND OF LEADER I NEED AT THE PENTAGON"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush withdrew his nomination of Robert M. Gates for Secretary of Defense and said he has asked Steelers linebacker Joey Porter to take the job. The President said his decision was clinched following the Steelers' victory on Sunday over the Saints, which Porter boldly predicted last Wednesday. Porter was quoted in a Pittsburgh newspaper as saying, "We will come back with a victory on Sunday."

"I realized that we were heading in the wrong direction in Iraq," the President told a hastily called news conference. "Joey Porter brings a brash braggadocio to the job that has been sadly missing these past six years. He's a man who will pronounce, with cockiness and without equivocation, that victory in Iraq will occur on a certain date, regardless of whether that pronouncement is feasible."

Porter told reporters that he has the solution to move America out of its Iraqi quagmire. "We, as a nation, haven't lost our hunger to win. We're just having too many turnovers. You're not going to win the war when you have four, five turnovers per game, I mean per battle. The teams, or rather the insurgents you're playing are just too good for you to overcome that all the time."

COWHER FINALLY GETS THE WIN HE'S BEEN LOOKING FOR . . .

THE RALEIGH, N.C. ZONING BOARD GRANTS HIS REQUEST FOR VARIANCE TO INSTALL SWIMMING POOL IN BACKYARD

Penn State routs Temple in JoPa's absence, PSU officials secretly plot to dump him as unnecessary

. . . BUT PATERNO READS THEIR LIPS, WILL NOW DESTROY THEM

Head of FDA recalls acetaminophen fondly

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Admininistration Andrew C. von Eschenbach recalled the widely used pain reliever acetaminophen today.

"How fondly I recall acetaminophen!" said Eschenbach. "I look back misty-eyed at the many happy times it relieved my headaches. I love that pill!"

ALAN "SHANE" LADD ADMITS TO KILLING JACK PALANCE: "I HAD NO CHOICE, HE DREW ON ME," SAID LADD

AMERIGO BONASERA, THE UNDERTAKER FROM THE GODFATHER, SAYS THE ELECTION RESTORED HIS FAITH IN THE U.S.A.

"I BELIEVE IN AMERICA -- AGAIN"

JOE PATERNO LIKELY MUCH WORSE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT BECAUSE DICK SKRINJAR SAYS HE'S FINE

Kennywood Park Awarded Contract for Light Rail Extension to North Side

PITTSBURGH - Port Authority officials reported at a news conference earlier today that Kennywood Park Associates has been awarded the lucrative $435 million light-rail extension contract from Downtown to the North Side.

The Port Authority has been under harsh criticism in the business community for plowing forward with the record cost project in the face of extremely low expected ridership studies. In the news conference, Henry Nutbrown, engineer-construction manager for the authority, unveiled conceptual drawings of the project design. “The selection of Kennywood for this project assures that there will be a constant flow of passengers who seek the thrill of a ride to the North Side,” reported Nutbrown.

The second phase of the project is still in planning stages, although Nutbrown reported that the Port Authority is working closely with Kennywood on the design of a sunken pirate ship stop at the end of the Clemente Bridge and an adults-only midway at the site of the Garden Theatre, both expected to be completed in 2011. Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl, who attended the news conference said “the timing of this is perfect for both me and the city.” Ravenstahl added, “In 2011, I should be tall enough to get off at all the stops.”

PATERNO SUSTAINS LEG INJURY, MAY HAVE TO BE PUT DOWN

MOUNT NITTANY - Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, recovering from surgery after breaking three bones in his leg in a freak sideline collision last Saturday afternoon, may have to be put down.

Dean Richardson, Chief of Surgery of Mount Nittany Medical Center, made the announcement this morning. "It's about as bad as it could be,"said Richardson, who described the delicate operation. "Joe's cannon bone, sesamoid, and long pastern bone were fractured, and he also dislocated his ankle joint." Richardson provided heretofore unknown details to reporters concerning the anesthetization process, and how the surgical team had to lower the crippled coach onto the table using a giant sling. Richardson said that several hours later, Paterno regained consciousness floating on a raft in a recovery pool. "The Coach was feeling good. He practically jogged back to his stall." However, Richardson warned, "I've been doing this too long to think we're out of the woods yet."

Richardson said Paterno would have to be carefully monitored over the next three months to guard against infections and other complications.

Penn State University President Graham Spanier said no decision on the legendary coach's future would be made for at least a week. "Our main concern, at this point, is to ensure that Joe is comfortable," he said. "We just don't want to him to suffer." Spanier said if Paterno does make a full recovery, he will never compete again. “We're just going to cut him loose on campus and put him out to stud."

Unmarried hoodlums complain Pittsburgh is bad town for singles, not conducive to crime

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh trails most cities its size in both livability for singles and in the number of crimes committed per capita, which is a bad combination for unmarried hoodlums.

Forbes.com ranks Pittsburgh 32nd out of 40 on this year's list of the best cities for singles. Moreover, Morgan Quitno Press' 13th annual survey, using FBI statistics, concluded that there were 68 cities in the United States with more crime per capita than Pittsburgh.

"Pittsburgh is a wasteland," said Trevor Jones, 20, an unmarried ex-con who lives in Bloomfield. "There's no job growth, no diversity, no nightlife," he said. "And it's very difficult to steal things."

Jones said he is forced to travel to West Virginia to get a date, and to commit crimes.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: ED BRADLEY IS EXAGGERATING LEUKEMIA

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ST. PETER ON 60 MINUTES THIS SUNDAY

MIKE WALLACE: "I HOPE ED BRADLEY AMBUSHES HIM"

ITALIAN-AMERICAN LOSES TOUGH FIGHT FOR SENATE, WILL RETURN TO GRIM LIFE IN MEAT-PACKING PLANT; VICTORIOUS CASEY VOWS "THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO REMATCH"

PHILADELPHIA - Italian-American Senator Rick Santorum, who lost a grueling re-election fight to the flamboyant Robert Casey on Tuesday, announced that he would return to his job in a local meat-packing plant. Sources close to the Senator said he will spend most of his time training for a sequel. The Senator also said he would consider resuming his part-time job as a debt collector for a small-time hoodlum to make ends meet.

"At this point, I've got eight mouths to feed, along with my turtles Cuff and Link. I've got to keep my options open." Santorum made the announcement after ascending to the top of the steps at the Museum of Art. He was flanked by his crusty, but lovable campaign manager Mickey and his mousy, devoted wife Adrian.

"My whole life has been a million to one shot," declared Santorum to a crowd of delirious Italian-American supporters who followed him during a final campaign swing through a crowded market, joining him on the Museum steps. "This entire journey has been a process of intense personal discovery," he said. "For instance, I discovered, after my poll numbers failed to improve during the late stages of the campaign, that I was Italian." The Senator said he regretted not attempting to exploit his ethnicity sooner. "If only I had known about it," he said.

Carbolic Smoke news

● Check out the great Peter Leo in this morning's Post-Gazette where he references some Carbolic Smoke Ball stories as "indispensable fake news."

● Join us tomorrow on WDVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy for our Weekly Roundup

● Coming soon: Carbolic shirts, filled with classic Carbolic headlines. A great Christmas gift!

GATES TAPPED TO BE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE; MAY PAY OFF WARRING IRAQI FACTIONS TO END CONFLICT

ARCHITECT OF FLORIDA RECOUNT THAT MADE BUSH PRESIDENT IN 2000 LOSES SENATE BID IN LANDSLIDE, BUT CLAIMS SHE WON

BRADENTON, Florida - Katherine Harris, the controversial Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the 2000 Presidential election "recount" that put George Bush in the White House, lost her bid to unseat Senate incumbent Democrat Bill Nelson in a landslide. But that doesn't worry Harris. Even after the television networks declared her a decisive loser, she claimed she won.

"In my mind, I have counted the votes," she told her supporters, "and we have won!" The crowd cheered wildly, many with tears in their eyes as they recalled Harris' pivotal role in the 2000 election. Harris told them to pay no attention to the results announced on television. "Remember this: It doesn't matter how many people actually vote for you -- all that matters is how the votes are counted after-the-fact." The crowd stood and cheered for five solid minutes.

On her way out of the ballroom at the Bradenton Park Inn, Harris told reporters that her election night celebration drew in excess of 500 supporters. The Hotel's general manager, however, said Harris was wrong. "There were 25 or 30 people here, tops," said Park Inn general manager Chad Knox. "That lady must not know how to count."

PATERNO ESCAPES FROM HOSPITAL, STATE COLLEGE ON HIGH ALERT

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. - Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, 79, recuperating from surgery to repair a broken leg, escaped from Mount Nittany Medical Center during the night by diving out of a second story window. Witnesses say the venerable coach landed on his head, appeared to be stunned for several seconds, then stood up and ran toward the highway. State College police are urging residents to exercise extreme caution and to contact police if they encounter a temperamental old Italian man in a leg cast.

In-depth political analysis of election results by guest commentator ex-Congressman Mark Foley

By Former Congressman Mark Foley, guest analyst: The Democrats will now control Congress in light of yesterday's major turnover at the polls, which is bad news because lots and lots and lots of hot looking young male Congressional aides will be sent packing. Some of these guys are real babes with tight asses to die for! Pant, pant, pant! Such a loss!

More bad news: more women than ever were elected to Congress yesterday, which further reduces any incentive whatsoever for being there. I am glad I got out when I did because I was there during the golden age when it was almost all men!

The good news is that another new crop of hot young guys are on their way in as Congressional pages. Boys! Boys! Boys! I plan to come down to the Capital next spring to see their softball game (some of them actually remove their shirts!), which should be a blast. And even though I can't be with them on a regular basis, I can always dream -- and then some!!!

WORLD LEADERS WISH RUMSFELD WELL ON HIS RETIREMENT

My dear Rummy,

We will always recall with fondness our pleasant association with you over the many years. Enjoy your retirement to the fullest; you so richly deserve it.

Your friend,

Saddam Hussein

RUMSFELD RESIGNS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH GRANDCHILDREN; GRANDCHILDREN SAY THEY'D PREFER HE CONTINUE EARNING CABINET SECRETARY'S BIG SALARY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Donald H. Rumsfeld resigned as Secretary of Defense today, to be replaced by Robert Gates. President Bush made the abrupt announcement in a post-election news conference. "Secretary Rumsfeld and I agreed that sometimes it's necessary to have a fresh perspective," Bush said.

Rumsfeld spoke briefly and said that he planned to spend more time with his six grandchildren.

One of Rumsfeld's grandchildren, speaking on condition of anonymity, spoke on behalf of the others: "What makes that scary old man think we want to spend more time with him? We already see enough of him. I mean, what the hell does he intend to do with us that requires such inordinate amounts of time that he has to quit his job? Hang out with us at the mall? Frankly, we'd prefer that he keep collecting that big paycheck, for obvious reasons."

COWHER ADMINISTRATION NO LONGER USING "STAY THE COURSE" AS MOTIVATIONAL CATCH-PHRASE

PITTSBURGH - Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he would no longer use the expression "stay the course" when describing his plans for the remainder of the season. The change of expression followed intense debate within the administration about the need to signal a more reflexive, adaptable approach to the game of football.

Cowher made the announcement yesterday at his weekly press conference. "'Stay the course' means keep doing what you're doing," said Cowher. "We don't want to keep doing what we're doing. We want to start doing things we haven't done yet, or done already, or will do in the future. And that's what we're going to start doing."

Cowher admitted that rumors concerning his future with the team may be a distraction, but he attempted to dispel doubts that he is not focused on the primary goal. "I'm not going to cut and run to North Carolina, like so many of my opponents hope I will," he said. "I'm going to see this thing through until we win. Or start winning."

The coach refused to set a timetable for when the Steelers would withdraw from last place in the standings. However, Cowher said after looking at film of Sunday's loss to the Denver Broncos, he was able to find some positive items. "We went an entire game without having one Pittsburgh firefighter arrested for indecent exposure,"
he said, adding, "That's something we can build on for this week."

PRESIDENT BUSH TO ANNOUNCE SWITCH TO DEMOCRATIC PARTY AT 1 P.M. PRESS CONFERENCE

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After an evening of planning with key strategists and White House insiders, President Bush is expected to announce later today that he will be switching his affiliation to the Democratic party effective immediately. A White House source advised that chief strategist Karl Rove has been instrumental in devising the President’s plan to permit the administration to remain in control of the House and Senate for the remainder of his term.

As part of the surprise move, several Republican senators and congressman are expected to follow suit and join the President in switching parties, which would keep Republican Congressman Dennis Hastert in place as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Rove has said to have been secretly working on the contingency plan along with White House advisers and clergy for the weeks leading up to yesterday’s election in which Democrats seemingly gained control of the U.S. House.

Upon learning of the surprise move, visibly shaken Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean threatened to take the fight over control of the House and Senate to the Supreme Court if necessary, although it is not expected that the Court would intervene in such a case.

RELAXED BOB CASEY DELIVERS VICTORY SPEECH, SLIPS INTO COMA

SCRANTON - After his victory speech Tuesday night before an overflow crowd of friends, family and supporters, Pennsylvania's relaxed, new Senator-elect Bob Casey told reporters that he planned to kick back and "take it easy" between now and January when he takes office. Casey raised his arms in a victory salute and retreated to an adjoining room where he sprawled out on a cot, closed his eyes and, according to witnesses, immediately slipped into a coma.