FEBRUARY
CHENEY RELEASES PHOTO PROVING HE DIDN'T SHOOT FELLOW HUNTER; "REAL GUNMAN WAS ON GRASSY KNOLL -- I'M JUST THE PATSY," SAYS VP
FEBRUARY
SIX SURVIVORS COME FORWARD: DICK CHENEY ROUTINELY HUNTS HUMAN PREY ON CORPUS CHRISTI RANCHCORPUS CHRISTI - Six Corpus Christi residents stepped forward yesterday to allege that Vice President Dick Cheney routinely lures unsuspecting persons to the same ranch where he shot Harry Whittington last Saturday, then sadistically hunts them as human prey. Police describe each of the informants as credible, and in light of their revelations have begun to question hundreds of possible witnesses in connection with 216 cases of persons reported missing in the Corpus Christi area over the past five years. Many of those missing persons disappeared after they left for quail hunting trips with the Vice President.
One of the citizens who stepped forward yesterday, attorney Bob Haas of Fort Worth, told reporters that Cheney lured him to the ranch last September, supposedly to shoot quail, but it quickly became apparent Cheney was after bigger game. "As soon as we got out of the car, he looked straight ahead, sort of strange," Haas recalled. "Then he said in a low, calm voice, 'You have thirty seconds.' I'm thinking, 'Thirty seconds for what?' He said, 'I have a bad heart and can't run very well, so that should give you enough time -- if you're fast enough.' Then he started counting out loud. I turned to the secret service agent and asked, 'He's joking, right?' The agent looked me in the eye and said, 'Mister, once Mr. Cheney starts counting, I've never heard him stop until he reaches 30.' Well, I was never so scared in my life. Needless to say, I ran as fast as I could. He got me in the leg, but I made it to the highway."
Another witness who stepped forward is motion picture screenwriter Tim Murray who said that one of the films he scripted, the horror classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was based on Cheney. "Harry Whittington was one of the lucky ones," Murray said. "If I had to guess, I'd say there's probably a couple hundred bodies buried on that ranch, courtesy of the Vice President."
FEBRUARY
LOCAL MAN RECOVERING FROM ANOTHER DICK CHENEY MISFIRE: "CHENEY'S AIM AT URINAL JUST AS POOR AS WHEN HE HUNTS QUAIL"
"MY PANTS WERE RUINED," SAYS MAN STANDING NEXT TO VEEP.
"MY PANTS WERE RUINED," SAYS MAN STANDING NEXT TO VEEP.
MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL'S CHRISTMAS WISH FOR PITTSBURGH
The Mayor and Carbolic Smoke Ball at DVE Morning Show's Christmas Party. Click here to listen (press click to play, then pause it for several seconds to allow it download)
NEW "TICKLE ME KHOMEINI" DOLL THE MUST-HAVE TOY FOR IRANIAN KIDS THIS CHRISTMAS
TEHRAN - Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular "Tickle Me Khomeini" doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line. Violence erupted across the country at numerous Al-Marts, a gigantic Iranian discount store, where large crowds gathered, jostling each other to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls. The cuddly, plush, "Tickle Me Khomeini" features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. But whenever you rub his belly, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays. President Ahmadinejad also issued a stern warning to would-be profiteers. "Price gouging will not be tolerated," he said. "If anyone is caught selling a 'Tickle Me Ayatollah' at an exorbitant price, the penalty is death."
This is not the first time an Ayatollah Khomeini novelty item has created turmoil in Iranian society. In 1978, shortages of the Khomeini swimsuit poster, in which the leader of the Iranian revolution revealed a glimpse of his left nipple, started riots which eventually led to the overthrow of the Shah. Other hot-selling toys in Iran this Christmas are "Allah-board, the Train," a steam engine featured on a long-running Iranian children's show, and the EZ-Bake Nuclear Reactor. And for adults, merchants can't keep "Trivial Pursuit: U.S. Embassy Hostage Crisis Edition" on the shelves.
COPS SUSPECT REPEATED EXPOSURE TO "DOMINICK THE DONKEY" AS CAUSE OF DISC JOCKEYS' ON-AIR SUICIDE
INTERMINABLE "CHINGEDY CHING, HEE-HAW, HEE-HAW" DROVE 3WS MORNING DRIVE-TIME TEAM TO MADNESS, DEATH
FOUND: NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN'S LOST RECORDING OF WHITE CHRISTMAS
BOSTON -- As a child, Menachem Schwartz, who later became Nation of Islam Leader Louis Farrakhan, received classical training as a violinist. By the age of 13, he played with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. A year later, he went on to win national competitions, including the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour. It was on Amateur Hour that Schwartz first performed White Christmas. Schwartz's performance was so stirring that it left Mack in tears. "We were all crying," said former stagehand Tim Murray, now 89. "Irving Berlin himself called the network to congratulate us and was weeping as if he'd just lost an arm. After hearing Menachem play that song, I could never listen to that impostor [Bing] Crosby do [White Christmas] again."The recording was found last month in late collector Sean Cannon's warehouse, ironically in the same crate that contained the Jackie Mason recording of Silent Night. Both recordings have just been made available as bonus tracks on Barbra Streisand's new Christmas CD, A Mensch is Born in Bethlehem.
PROFESSOR HINKLE IS OUTED, ADMITS SIZZLING THREE-YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH LANCE BASS
"FROSTY" VILLAIN OUTED IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER STORY "WHO'S GAY AND WHO'S NOT IN RANKIN/BASS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS"
INSPIRATION FOR TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS WAS BURGLARY, AUTHOR'S DESCENDANT CLAIMS
NEW YORK -- A descendant of the author of A Visit From Saint Nicholas, better known as Twas the Night before Christmas, says that the inspiration for the popular children's story was a real-life burglary. Velveeta C. Moore-Lugosi explained that her great-great-grandfather, Clement C. Moore, "was a light sleeper" and that one summer night he heard someone in the house. "Pops came down to the drawing room, completely naked as was his custom, and discovered that a fat guy with a white beard had come in through the chimney and was rummaging through Pops' stuff. Well, sir, the crook took one look at Pops and dropped his sack and took off like a shot."
Moore was so incensed by the crime that he penned a diatribe against the burglar that contained lines such as the following: "The criminal was hung by the chimney with care, in hopes he would soon get the electric chair." But Moore's publisher convinced him that the story made no sense and, besides, it would sell much better as a Christmas poem. According to Moore's great-great grandaughter, "in less than a half-hour, Pops changed a word here and a word there" to create the beloved Christmas classic.
"And that," explained Ms. Moore-Lugosi, "is why everyone has heard of Twas the Night Before Christmas but no one is familiar with the original story, The August 12th Burglary."
MAGIC HAT LANDS ATOP STATUE OF MAO TSE TUNG, LONG-DEAD COMMUNIST RULER OF CHINA COMES BACK TO LIFE, RESTARTS CULTURAL REVOLUTION
PEKING - Employees and members of the Chinese Communist Party were shocked this morning when the Great Helmsman himself, Mao Tse Tung, wearing only a mysterious black top hat, walked through the Great Hall of the People, greeting passers-by and issuing calls to imprison or exterminate all enemies of the Revolution. Mao Tse Tung, who died thirty years ago, had spent the past twenty-five years as a life-size statue in Tienanmen Square . Mao was apparently returned to life by the magical powers contained within a black hat placed on his head by a group of Chinese children. One of the children told CNN that “when we placed it on his head, he began to dance around." The new Mao’s first words to the children were reportedly “Happy Birthday.” He then asked the kids if anyone knew “how Nixon was doing.” International observers are concerned that the old-new Mao could seek to restore his legendary cult of personality. A spokesman for Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said the Secretary was “concerned” that the return of a controversial figure such as Mao Tse Tung could “impede” progress the Chinese are making in areas such as human rights and international relations.
The spokesman refused to say whether or not the United States would support any attempt to remove the top hat from Mao’s head. “We do not wish to interfere in the internal affairs of China ,” he said. “We have no official position on this matter.” But, he added, “If the Chinese people want to return Mao to the form of a statue, they will have to do it on their own.”
A spokesman for the former statue Mao, now once again Chairman Mao, said the late but now living leader had no plans to remove his hat any time soon.
MOMENTS AFTER THE ANGEL LEFT THE SHEPHERDS IN BETHLEHEM, THEY DISCUSSED WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED . . .
"What do we care if it was a "first"? Let's be honest: neither one of us knows what a 'Noel' is."
BIN LADEN, AL ZAWAHIRI TO HOLD FIRST ANNUAL AL-QAEDA COOKIE EXCHANGE
PESHAWAR - In an effort to improve morale and share the spirit of the season, Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman Al Zawahiri have announced that they will co-chair the first annual Al Qaeda Christmas Cookie Exchange. The exchange will take place following a holiday luncheon at the cave of both men on December 16th. The announcement was made on a video tape released to the Al Jazeera network yesterday. The tape was broadcast this morning. “During this festive time, when so many of you are entertaining and preparing for jihad, it can be difficult to find time to bake,” said Bin Laden. “That’s why Ayman and I are starting this exchange.” Al-Zawahiri suggested that each participant make a dozen cookies of their choice.
To avoid duplication, he is keeping a detailed list of every cookie. “Nobody wants to have two dozen of the same thing,” said Al-Zawahiri. That remark prompted a playful response from Bin Laden. “Unless we’re talking about your snicker doodles, Ayman.” Al-Zawahiri smiled. "I have to admit,” he replied, “they are to die for."A spokesman for the Central Intelligence Agency said analysts had reviewed the contents of the tape and concluded that the two bearded men covered in flour, wearing aprons and over-sized chef hats were Bin Laden and Al-Zawahiri. The same spokesman would neither confirm nor deny that the agency was attempting to place an informant in the exchange.
ROBERT WAGNER CALLS FOR NATALIE WOOD INQUEST TO BE REOPENED
ACTOR CLAIMS EVIDENCE POINTS TO LOONY DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA OBSESSED WITH WOOD SINCE SHE WAS CHILD
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN'S MAGIC HAT TOSSED ONTO MELLON ARENA ICE BY ROWDY FAN AFTER RYAN MALONE HAT TRICK
POLICE ARE SEARCHING FOR PENGUINS' CUSTODIAN WEARING OLD SILK HAT WHO SEEMINGLY HAS MAGIC POWERS
BETHLEHEM PA MAYOR PROPOSES NEW LYRICS TO MAKE BELOVED CHRISTMAS CAROL "ACCURATE"
"O, LITTLE THIRD CLASS CITY OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF PENNSYLVANIA, HOW STILL WE SEE THE LIGHT . . . "
MISTLETOE CONTAMINATED BY E. COLI BACTERIA, FDA ORDERS MASSIVE RECALL, HOLLY, CHRISTMAS TREES ALSO BEING TESTED
WASHINGTON -- The FDA has ordered a massive recall of mistletoe from store shelves and is urging consumers to remove the holiday aphrodisiac from doorways and other suspended locations until further notice. The agency determined that spores from mistletoe can drop onto the scalp, face and lips of persons standing underneath or in close proximity to it. "I don't want to scare anybody," said agency spokesperson Bradleys Roadhouse, "but necking under the mistletoe this holiday could literally be the kiss of death."
The source of the E. coli has been traced to reindeer manure in pastures surrounding a mistletoe field in Alaska. This discovery have led the FDA to also test the holly and Christmas trees which are grown on the same farm. Roadhouse explained, "We can't be too safe during the holiday. This is a season laden with tragedy, what with all of the dangerous toys and drunk drivers on the road, and now this. Merry Christmas, everyone."
PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD
NEW YORK - After weeks of careful ballot counting by volunteers from the Dade County Board of Elections that winnowed the candidates to a select few, followed by days of intense deliberations marred by hair-pulling, eye-poking and face-slapping that ended only with the last-minute intervention of United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the Carbolic Smoke Ball is proud to announce - for the first time in our illustrious history - that our Person of the Year is, in fact, the Substance of the Year. And the winner is: POLONIUM 210
Never in all our days have we observed a more efficient way to rid oneself of troublesome enemies than new Polonium 210, the odorless, colorless, invisible radioactive poison developed by the KGB and determined as the cause of death for pain-in-the neck Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko. Some are calling Polonium 210 an accessory to state-sponsored murder. That’s preposterous. We call Polonium 210 progress. Think of the profound implications such a product will have for the average American. Imagine being able to rub out the person sitting next to you on a bus or trolley chattering away on a cell phone with one quick swab of this deadly miracle substance. Or being able to terminate the conversation of the annoying couple – and the annoying couple themselves - sitting in front of you in a crowded theater. Not to mention having the power at your carefully protected fingertips to say goodbye – forever – to the nettlesome neighbors, nagging spouses, door-to-door canvassers and free-loading in-laws that add immeasurable amounts of aggravation to our existence. The time has come to make Polonium 210 available to every American who needs a quick, effective, lethal solution to the maddening daily irritants of modern life. We urge the FDA to approve Polonium 210 for widespread public distribution and over the counter sales as quickly as possible.
The winning entry in our 2007 Person of the Year Contest was submitted by President Vladimir Putin of Russia. We are pleased to announce that President Putin has won a Carbolic Smoke Ball Tee-Shirt. One of the illegal child immigrants toiling in our subterranean factory is even now preparing this handsome, sure-to-be a collector’s item for overnight delivery to the Kremlin, so it will arrive by Christmas.
We would also like to thank a few other loyal readers for their participation. Vice-President Cheney, Senator Santorum, Ms. Hilton, Ms. Ritchie, Ms. Spears, Mr. Bin Laden – your arguments were persuasive, but, alas, not persuasive enough.
Better luck next year.
NOTES ABOUT OUR ANNUAL PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD
Thanks to all our readers who submitted nominations for 2006 Person of the Year. We received some extremely worthy ones this year. Among them are the following: Joey Porter's dogs; Joey Porter (7 nominations); Denny Regan (4); Twanda Carlisle (2); Ken Miller; Jason Altmire (2); Yarone Zober (3); Dick Skrinjar (7); Baghdad Bob; Lynn Spampinato of Pgh. Public Schools; Henry Ellenbogen; Mike Veon; Bryan O'Neill; Duce Staley; Vice President Dick Cheney (2) "and the guy Cheney shot"; Mr. Nutting [principal owner of the Pirates]; and just this week, Don Barden (2). This year our winner was not a person but a substance (see above), but our runners-up were Dennis Regan and Dick Skrinjar. One nominee, Brian O'Neill, was disqualified because it was determined he actually made a legitimate, significant contribution to society (Mr. O'Neill spearheaded the successful effort to roll back the legislators' pay grab, then led the charge to oust a significant number of them in the election). I must say, I was very close to being swayed by the following excellent memorandum I received from an anonymous reader. When I read it, my reaction was, "Wow!" He is the winner of an official Carbolic shirt in our nomination contest:
Doesn't it have to be Denny Regan? I mean, Bill Cowher's definitely given a lot to simulated news in Pittsburgh this year, but even the Carolina-bound savior of Pittsburgh and destroyer of playoff hopes hasn't achieved what the old-boy politico has. He takes part in a power struggle that would make Stalin happy, ousts people he doesn't like and claims that someone barely conscious did it, rises under the new mayor, then gets appointed to a meaningless position, only to find that it's not meaningless, and that the extra job is the worst good thing to happen to someone since Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Then he gets put on leave pending an investigation that's nowhere close to a priority and the guy whose rise to power he orchestrated moves into his old desk amid a Dick Skrinjar denial, which is basically a nail in the coffin. Meanwhile, a guy half his age runs the city he used to control. As Jon Stewart once said, "It's not that you couldn't make it up, it's that you wish you had to." The sheer versatility of public themes and experiences the man went through in 2006 allows for almost any satirical situation to be applied to him. Things bad in Iraq? Bush to appoint Denny Regan Secretary of Defense. Things still bad? Bush to place Regan under investigation, Gates moves into his desk, Skrinjar says nothing's wrong. Anything shady happen anywhere involving anyone getting screwed? Regan orchestrated it. Said shady thing turns out to not work perfectly for person in charge, Regan goes under investigation. At this point, he must dream the monologue from "On The Waterfront." ("You shoulda looked out for me, Luke, you shoulda looked out for me just a little bit"). Clearly, Regan's efforts toward making the absurd commonplace have contributed more than enough to earn him a space on the Cup.
BARBARA WALTERS NAMES LOCAL PLUMBER BRUCE MURRAY ONE OF "TEN MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF '06"
NEW YORK - Barbara Walters will profile her picks for the ten most fascinating people of 2006 tonight on ABC at 10 p.m. EST, and there's a surprise in the line-up. Bruce Murray, a Johnstown, Pennsylvania plumber who only twice in his life strayed more than forty miles from home, will join Tom Cruise, Condeleeza Rice, child star Dakota Fanning and six others on the show.
Murray said that he has no idea why Ms. Walters wants to profile him but noted that he did take piano lessons as a child and retains aspirations of being a sports agent. "Maybe they're putting me on the TV [show] as a sort of, you know, beacon or what have you, to, like, show people that you can still have dreams in this country, or whatever," Murray said.
We caught up with Ms. Walters and asked her why a Johnstown plumber had been named one of the year's most fascinating people. A look of horror mixed with disgust leapt across her face, as if this was the first she'd heard of it. She quickly recovered and explained that Murray "represents the working American, the backbone of our country."
Although Murray said he wants to meet Dakota Fanning, ABC ruled that out because it turns out Murray is a convicted sex offender, having molested two children while on a toilet repair job.
WILLIE PARKER ATTRIBUTES SUCCESS THIS SEASON TO RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME
COWHER THREATENS PARKER THAT IF HE TAKES HIS RLS MEDICATION, HE'LL BE BENCHED
STUDY: ALARMING RISE IN TEENS USING LIFE TO GET HIGH
WASHINGTON - Teens in alarming numbers are getting high on life, says a government survey released Thursday. It found that while fewer teens overall drank alcohol or used illegal drugs in the last year, the incidence of teens using life to get high is approaching epidemic proportions in some cities. "Life is cheap and easy to get," said Dr. Noah Swayne of the Partnership for a Drug Free America. "Few parents recognize the dangers of overdosing on life," explained Dr. Swayne. "If you notice your child experiencing sudden mood swings and becoming overtly happy and insisting on greater involvement in family activities, you need to be aware that he might be spiraling into a vicious cycle of addiction to life." Aggressive counseling to attack the root cause of the addiction is needed, Dr. Swayne said.
DON BARDEN WANTS STEELERS TO MOVE FROM NORTH SHORE
DRUNK, URINATING FOOTBALL FANS WILL BE "A REAL TURN-OFF" TO CASINO-GOERS, SAYS MAJESTIC STAR OWNER. "AND THAT SCIENCE CENTER WILL HAVE TO GO, TOO -- ALL THOSE KIDS WILL JUST ANNOY MY GAMBLERS."
NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN INSTITUTIONALIZED FOR MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was confined to Bellvue Mental Hospital last night after being diagnosed with severe multiple personality disorder. The evidence: First, on December 16, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that the Penguins' deal with billionaire Jim Balsillie was scuttled after the NHL demanded that Balsillie promise to keep the club in Pittsburgh regardless of the arena situation.
Second, on December 21 after the Isle of Capri was not awarded Pittsburgh's lone gaming license, the Post-Gazette reported that Mr. Bettman wrote: "The future of this franchise in Pittsburgh is uncertain and the Penguins now will have to explore all other options, including possible relocation."
Dr. Noah Swayne of Bellvue Mental Hospital said that clinically speaking, Mr. Bettman "is nuts."
THE ROONEYS, OWNERS OF STEELERS AND PBKC RACE TRACK IN FLORIDA, FEAR CASINO CLIENTELE NOT IN KEEPING WITH FOOTBALL ATMOSPHERE ON NORTH SHORE
THEY ARE CORRECT:
STEELER FANS
CASINO CLIENTELE
BIO OF THE DAY: MISS USA TARA CONNER
HOLLYWOOD - On April 21, 2006, a worldwide television audience of millions watched as Tara Conner's "biggest dream ever" came true as she was crowned Miss USA 2006 at the conclusion of the 55th annual Miss USA telecast live from Baltimore, Maryland. At the age of 20, the Russell Springs , Kentucky , native is the first woman from Kentucky to win the title of MISS USA®."This has been a dream of mine since I was 13 years old," Tara said. She added, “I wish I could remember that night when they crowned me, but I was all coked up and had knocked down a pint of JD right before going on stage, so I don’t remember a thing.”
A business administration major whose dream job is to marry a rich person in Hollywood , Tara says she'd love to be the next Shannon Doherty. A self-described party girl, Tara often goes days without sleeping. She loves clubbing, roofies, lesbian sex, and washing down a Gray’s Papaya hot dog with Grey Goose.
Throughout her year as Miss USA , Tara has traveled all over the U.S. meeting young men and women in after hours clubs. She carries a fake Canadian ID as part of her Miss USA pledge to learn more about other nations. She thinks world peace is a great idea.
GAMING COMMISSION AWARDS SLOTS LICENSE TO SANDS CASINO IN BETHLEHEM
CASINO WILL RELOCATE SHEPHERDS FROM HILLSIDE, ADDITIONAL STABLES AND MANGERS PLANNED FOR TOURISTS
MICROSOFT SPONSORS ROSE BOWL, HOPES TO AVOID DISASTER OF LAST BOWL GAME IT SPONSORED
"TIME REMAINING FOR DOWNLOAD" GAME CLOCK REPEATEDLY TACKED ON TIME; GAME TOOK SEVEN HOURS TO PLAY
GAMING CONTROL BOARD AWARDS SLOTS LICENSE TO CHRISTOPHER DARDEN
HARRISBURG - The Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board earlier today awarded Pittsburgh ’s stand along casino license to an investor group led by former O.J. Simpson prosecutor Christopher Darden (pictured above). Mr. Darden held hands with former prosecutor Marcia Clark as the vote was taken and shed tears when he knew he had won. “I’ve never won anything", said Darden. Mr. Darden said he plans to talk with Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato today to figure out how a lowly paid public servant can even begin to figure how to build a casino.
Correction: Local physician fired for griping, not groping
MAN THREATENS TO SUE THIS NEWS SOURCE; OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T GET 'EM ALL RIGHT.PITTSBURGH - The laugh's on this news source, which reported yesterday that Dr. William Friest, 60, a physician employed by the South Strabane Pain Clinic, was fired from his position groping. It turns out that wasn't entirely accurate. Dr. Friest was fired for griping about office policies, not groping. Nevertheless, this news source extrapolated from that faulty premise that Friest likely would be charged with indecent assault and that he would be forced to surrender his physician's license. It seems our faulty reporting has prompted Friest's wife to file for divorce. Moreover, he claims, all his friends have shunned him. And we can't imagine he'll ever be able to work in Western Pennsylvania again after that report. Oh, well, you can't get them all right. The fact of the matter is we've been wrong before -- plenty of times -- and we'll be wrong again, just as often. That's just the way it goes in journalism. Heh, heh! And frankly, if Friest wants to sue me, I say, "Come and try it. See what happens to you."
Anyway, watch that griping, Friest!
GIDEONS BREAK INTO HOTELS, TAKE BACK BIBLES
NEW YORK - In what police are calling an unprecedented rash of orchestrated burglaries, several hundred members of the Gideons International broke into hotel rooms across America last night to take back the Bibles their organization donated."People aren't reading them, and we want them back, it's that simple," said a member of the Gideons who spoke on condition of anonymity.
Hotel managers are calling the burglaries atypical. "It was the most polite break-in I'd ever seen," said Bradleys Roadhouse, manager of the Waldorf-Astoria. "They took back the Bibles, but they also turned the beds down and put chocolates on the pillows," he said.
THE GAMING COMMISSION IGNORES BOTH OF OUR ENDORSEMENTS
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The Pennsylvania Gaming Commission ignored our two recent editorials by awarding Pittsburgh's lone gaming license to Don Barden's Majestic Star. Last week we endorsed Isle of Capri, explaining that the poor people of the Hill District need a casino the most: "Is there any place other than a casino where, without time-consuming education, without hard work, and without any capital investment, poor people can take what little money they have, invest it in a slot machine, and possibly be catapulted to the ranks of the wealthy with just one pull of the one-armed bandit? The question scarcely survives its statement." Just yesterday, we changed our mind and we endorsed Forest City/Harrahs' Station Square plan, because it is backed by powerful, well-oiled political insiders who know how to get things done and deserve to be rewarded for it. You'll recall that before he left office, Mayor Murphy suggested that the Forest City/Harrahs proposal would win because of the political connections of its investors. Murphy said, "The fix is in." In our endorsement, we explained: "Exactly what's so bad about the fix being in, anyway? So what if this means the license will be awarded to an entity that is not the choice of the 'majority,' or that the entity might not even be the best choice for Pittsburgh? . . . . The 'fix' is the only way things get accomplished."
Majestic Star is the only casino we did not "endorse." And that, dear readers, tells you a lot.
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