ACCUSED STEELERS’ DOCTOR FLIES INTO RAGE, BURSTS OUT OF CLOTHES, TURNS GREEN
“I wanted to ask a follow-up question, but once he turned into The Hulk I beat it out of there,” reporter saysPITTSBURGH – The investigation of Steelers’ internist Dr. Richard Rydze took a new turn today when the normally calm physician turned into The Hulk. Rydze had been questioned by Florida authorities about his $150,000 purchase of testosterone and human growth hormone just days earlier, but a reporter set him off in a rage today.
Reporter Jack McGee, following up on the initial story, discovered that Richard Rydze also goes by the name of Dr. David Banner. McGee has pursued Banner for years, believing he is The Hulk, and he confronted Dr. Rydze with the evidence outside his UPMC office this morning.
“He seemed to recognize me, but he tried to act calm. He gave me the line about buying the hormones for his 'private patients,' but as I asked him more questions, he started to get agitated. Once I mentioned the name Banner, all hell broke loose. His clothes started to come apart at the seams, and his skin turned bright green. I got out of there as fast as I could.”
McGee believes an overdose of gamma rays and adenine thymine first led to the creation of Rydze’s alter ego. “I’ve got a lot of good documentation about his medical experiments with the gamma rays,” McGee said. “Since he’s been on the run, I guess he didn’t have access to the radiation and he switched over to testosterone and growth hormone. Let me tell you, he hit on the right combination.”
McGee said he last saw Rydze/The Hulk heading towards downtown, but Pittsburgh Police have not received any reports of rampaging giants. Dr. Rydze was unavailable for comment.
WORLD COURT DECLARES 1995 MASSACRE AT SREBENICA GENOCIDE, ABSOLVES SERBIA OF BLAME
SERBIA PROMISES TO CONTINUE THE SEARCH FOR THE REAL KILLER, OR KILLERS, OF THE BOSNIAN MUSLIMS
JOEY PORTER CUT, STEELERS' FRONT OFFICE DRAWS LOTS TO DECIDE WHO WILL TELL HIM
NEW GUY TOMLIN ASSIGNED TO TELL PORTER'S DOGS
APPEALS COURT ORDERS ANNA NICOLE SMITH TO BE BURIED IN PET SEMATARY
The Court's ruling explains: "The Court recognizes that Smith's burial in the mysterious 'Pet Sematary' [sic] could result in Ms. Smith coming back to life, albeit transformed into a bizarre, unholy abomination. Any such change would be inconsequential, however, since it is unlikely that even Ms. Smith's intimates would notice the difference."
UPMC ANNOUNCES FIRST-EVER SUCCESSFUL APPENDIX TRANSPLANT
PITTSBURGH - A team of surgeons at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center today stunned the scientific community with a new breakthrough that could change the finances of American medicine: a first-ever appendix transplant. A team, working under renowned surgeon Eddie Chang Maloney and noted medical budget director Gerhard Gundelsmen, successfully transplanted a new appendix into an 11-year-old Coraopolis girl. The girl’s previous appendix had been lost due to appendicitis, an affliction still prevalent among youngsters and adolescents. The nine-hour procedure began late last night after a donor appendix became available from a 52-year-old Mt. Lebanon man who died awaiting a new liver.
“This is a milestone in both the annals of both medicine and medical accounting,” an exhausted but clearly giddy Dr. Maloney told a packed news conference at UPMC’s media lounge. “There are literally millions of people out there, some in their 80s, some as young as little Kathy, the girl we operated on, who have been waiting for new appendixes since their childhoods. Likewise, there are literally thousands of young doctors just leaving medical school, burdened beyond their means with educational debts, for whom this breakthrough could make the difference between driving a Chevrolet or driving a Beemer. This is a win-win for both the medical side of medicine and the increasingly important financial side of medicine.”
Medical experts have expressed concerns in recent years over what they view as a precipitous decline in appendectomies, noting that the emergence of new, highly effective antibiotics that in many cases allow sufferers to weather appendicitis without surgery. This decline was viewed as “unacceptable, a genuine public health financial issue” by experts writing in The Journal of Medical Investment last year. Yesterday’s transplant suggests that, while the decline in appendectomies might not reverse itself in the near-term, the availability of hundreds of thousands of potential appendix recipients provides a chance to stem what some medical experts have seen as a dangerous decline in billable surgeries.
“This long medical scourge can now be ended,” said Dr. Maloney. “For too many years, young physicians have been casting around for some way to make financial ends meet. At last, we have the opportunity. I call on the transplantation community to keep a sharp eye out for head injury victims without little scars on their lower abdomens. Someone’s in-ground pool could rest in the balance.”
SPECIAL COUNSEL FILES ADDITIONAL CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST SCOOTER LIBBY; FORMER CHENEY AIDE ACCUSED OF REVEALING THAT BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald said he has uncovered evidence that former Vice Presidential aide I. Scooter Libby revealed the true identity of Batman to Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak in early July of 2003. Mr. Novak published the information in a July 14, 2003 column. Revealing the true identity of a superhero is a violation of the Federal Secret Identity Act of 1947. In his column, Mr. Novak disclosed that millionaire playboy and man-about-town Bruce Wayne, is, in fact, Batman. Novak’s revelation caused a furor in the business and philanthropic community, where Mr. Wayne is known as a tireless campaigner for good. When approached by reporters outside of his residence, stately Wayne Manor, shortly after Novak’s column was published, Mr. Wayne was in a sour mood. “I guess that’s it, fellows,” he said. “There’s no point in doing battle with arch criminals anymore, especially if everybody knows who I am.”
Mr. Wayne also said the shock of Mr. Novak’s column sent an elderly house guest, Harriet Grayson, into cardiac arrest. “Not even a whiff of Bat-Awake is doing any good at this point.” Mr. Wayne would not reveal if he had given Mrs. Grayson, known affectionately as Aunt Harriet, the universal Bat Antidote.
According to Mr. Fitzgerald, Mr. Libby leaked information about Mr. Wayne’s alter ego to Mr. Novak as political payback for Batman’s harsh criticism of the Bush administration’s prosecution of the war in Iraq. Mr. Fitzgerald said Mr. Libby’s “reckless actions have compromised the effectiveness of Batman as a crimefighter, and, in the process, have jeopardized the health and safety of good citizens everywhere.” Mr. Fitzgerald said he would seek the death penalty.
STEELERS' TOMLIN MOVES INTO SHADYSIDE HOME, PUTS PARKING CHAIR OUT FRONT
Neighbors appalled that it's not a Charles Eames or Le Corbusier original
CHAVEZ PRESENTS CASTRO WITH ANNA NICOLE SMITH "DEVICE"
CARACAS - In a gesture of international goodwill, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez presented Fidel Castro with a device that he claimed was formerly used only by Anna Nicole Smith. "This is just a below average replica of the normal South American," giggled Chavez to a delighted Castro, "unlike the gringos of the north."
LITTLEFIELD: MOST OF TEAM TRADED FOR 1909 HONUS WAGNER CARD
$2.35 Million sale of famed baseball card part of three-team deal to bring The Flying Dutchman back to the BurghLOS ANGELES - A surprise announcement came in the wake of the record-setting sale of the 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card. The buyer, who was previously identified only as a "Southern California" man, was revealed to be San Diego Padres General Manager Kevin Towers, who promptly traded the card to the Pittsburgh Pirates for all of their roster players except for the four men battling for the backup catcher position.
Pirates GM Dave Littlefield said that the move was in keeping with the team's "long-term plan for financial flexibility." The Pirates owners, the Nutting family, praised the deal in a written statement. "Honus Wagner was one of the all-time great Pirates," the statement said, "and we're very pleased that Dave has found a way to bring 'The Flying Dutchman' back to Pittsburgh, where he belongs."
Littlefield credited himself with the idea for the acquisition. "When we saw Honus was available, we just had to have him," Littlefield said.
The card will be kept in an airtight polyurethane frame. According to Littlefield, it will be "first on the depth chart at shortstop."
The remaining Pirates players were enthused about the move. "Before, I was battling three other guys just to be Ronny Paulino's backup," said catcher Humberto Cota. "Now, I have to believe I have a chance to play every day."
PICASSO'S STOLEN, POLICE SEEK SUSPECT
PARIS - At least two Picasso paintings, worth a total of nearly $66 million, were stolen in Paris, police said Wednesday. Police released a photo of the suspect taken by security cameras.
GORE BLAMES WIFE FOR EXCESSIVE ENERGY CONSUMPTION
“TIPPER RUNS THE AIR CONDITIONING ALL YEAR ‘ROUND – FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO STAY COOL"
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
To Hell With Pigeons, I SayEditorial by Ozzy Osbourne, The Prince of Darkness
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has once again missed the mark, making plain its misguided mores by denouncing legal pigeon shoots as “barbarous events.” Clearly, its editorial board has never seen the movie Gladiator.
Unfortunately, this kind of tripe no longer surprises me, coming from a group of liberal elitists who must be walking under invisible, invincible umbrellas, shielding them from the unkind effects of pigeon poop.
And need I mention the incident that paralyzed Downtown just a short time ago, when equally imprudent law enforcement intervened and prevented a man from becoming a hero?
To suggest that pigeons are living, breathing creatures who do not deserve to be slaughtered so inhumanely is not only a veritable broadside against Downtown office workers who are simply trying to go about their business without nettlesome pigeons slowing them down, but it is a short-sighted approach to the growing problem of ethical treatment of animals in rural America as well.
The animal-loving miscreants at the *Post-Gazette* who choose to ruminate daily over the trivial matters of right versus wrong have never had one of these revolting birds build a nest on their front porch, obviously. If there is any pigeon that deserves to be shot to death, it is a live one. Americans have been shooting live pigeons for sport since the 1830s, and I see no reason why it should stop now.
Further, the Post-Gazette's unabashed support for House Bill 73, which would prohibit pigeon shoots, demonstrates how far selfish, fowl-doting writers can go. Noah’s dove was a pigeon? Phooey, I say. Pigeons saving soldiers in World Wars I *and* II? Fiction.
Saving only one office worker the inconvenience of sidestepping a pigeon in Market Square by shooting all the pigeons to death may not matter to everyone, but to that one office worker, I say, it matters.
THE CLEAR CHOICE FOR NEXT MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH: PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh proved last September that it can garner national attention by having an atypical mayor. In fact, it seems the only way for Pittsburgh to draw attention to itself on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed himself on the front page of the New York Times and on the David Letterman Show simply because of the novelty of his youth. Before that, the last Pittsburgh mayor to appear with Mr. Letterman was Sophie Masloff, because she was an atypical, 70-something grandmother. There is nothing wrong with that. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it?
But Carbolic Smoke Ball doesn't think Pittsburgh has gone far enough in terms of choosing atypical mayors. It's time for this city to go all the way and elect Professor Emcee Square, also known as Mark Menold, as Mayor of Pittsburgh, and this news source hereby endorses him today. The Professor is the host of Saturday night's scary-movie fest "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV. With his corpse-like make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, the Professor would be the most atypical mayor in America and, we are quite certain, the most famous mayor in America. In short, the Professor would put Pittsburgh on the map in a way not even professional wrestler Jesse Ventura could do for Minnesota when he was elected its Governor.
Besides being supremely atypical, the Professor is among the finest television hosts in America. And he knows how to get things done, too. He helped organize the massive Zombie Walk last October that brought together 894 zombies at Monroeville Mall. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is obvious: Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.
But Carbolic Smoke Ball doesn't think Pittsburgh has gone far enough in terms of choosing atypical mayors. It's time for this city to go all the way and elect Professor Emcee Square, also known as Mark Menold, as Mayor of Pittsburgh, and this news source hereby endorses him today. The Professor is the host of Saturday night's scary-movie fest "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV. With his corpse-like make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, the Professor would be the most atypical mayor in America and, we are quite certain, the most famous mayor in America. In short, the Professor would put Pittsburgh on the map in a way not even professional wrestler Jesse Ventura could do for Minnesota when he was elected its Governor.
Besides being supremely atypical, the Professor is among the finest television hosts in America. And he knows how to get things done, too. He helped organize the massive Zombie Walk last October that brought together 894 zombies at Monroeville Mall. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is obvious: Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.
Colin McNickle reminds other patron at bar 'I'm the guy Teresa Heinz told to shove it’
Colin McNickle, editorial page editor of the Tribune-Review and the person Teresa Heinz told to ‘shove it’ during a confrontation at the 2004 Democratic Convention, reminded a patron at his neighborhood bar of the episode.
“Remember when Teresa Heinz, the wacky ketchup heiress and wife of John ‘Mr. Teresa Heinz’ Kerry, told a visiting journalist to ‘shove it’? Well, that was me,” McNickle told Wilmer Fitzgibbon, who was having a beer at the Korner Bar in Mt. Lebanon and minding his own business.
“I asked a simple question that dwelt on what she meant by her reference to certain traits being ‘un-American,’ and she turns around and storms into the room and tells me to ‘shove it,’” McNickle said. “Frankly, everyone was taken aback. I ended up on national television. Did you see it?”
Fitzgibbon said he hadn’t really watched much of the coverage of either political convention and is “more of an ESPN kind of guy,” when McNickle pressed on with his account.
“I also wrote about it in my paper, The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, which seems to be something of a lightning rod with its unflinching stance in favor of free markets, individual liberty and against the creeping hand of socialism,” McNickle said. “Many of those people, especially the boobs at The Toledo, Ohio, Block Bugler – that’s what I call the Post-Gazette, because they are owned by a firm in Toledo and it just cracks people up when I do that – would tend to favor, being leftovers from the New Deal. They probably think I should ‘shove it’ too.”
After Fitzgibbon, apparently in deep thought on the matter, showed no reaction, McNickle also noted that he had written several times about the ‘shove it’ incident and that, in his view, it has cast him into national prominence, though he is not one to seek attention, even though the wife of a presidential candidate told him to "shove it."
McNickle also noted that his editorial page runs a daily box at the bottom with a photograph of PNC Chairman James Rohr, telling him to return public subsidies the company received to build a new headquarters in Pittsburgh’s Downtown.
“This has caused an enormous uproar in the Pittsburgh business community,” McNickle said. “But they seem to be keeping very quiet about it, obviously hoping our unflinching stand against corporate welfare will not result in the inevitable reversal of PNC’s position. Rohr probably thinks I should ‘shove it,’ too,” McNickle said. “But that’s the kind of guy I am. No matter what the cost, or the viciousness of the attack, I’m not going to back down when I see the public purse being snatched or socialist liberals attempting to undermine the fabric of our society, whether they’re a corporate chairman with his paws in the cookie jar, or a wacky ketchup heiress who tells a simple, brave and stalwart member of the press to ‘shove it.’ You know, that’s what Teresa Heinz said to me and it ended up all over the national media.”
McNickle thanked his companion for an engaging conversation and said it had given him much to think about before leaving for home, where he planned to tell his wife about meeting yet another local citizen who’d heard about the time Teresa Heinz told him to shove it.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S ARM FALLS OFF
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – As appeals continued in the dispute over the body of Anna Nicole Smith, Broward County Coroner Joshua Perper interrupted a courtroom proceeding with a report that the former Playboy model’s body continues to deteriorate. “One of her arms fell off today,” Dr. Perper told a packed courtroom over a speaker phone. “We were moving the gurney because it was blocking the coffee maker and there was this slight bump and her right arm fell off onto the floor. We put it back under the sheets and she should still be suitable for a viewing, but I would recommend you reach a conclusion as quickly as possible and that we rule out a sleeveless dress for the funeral.”
Attorneys for Howard K. Stern, Miss Smith’s longtime companion, and her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, immediately filed for separate custody of the arm in the event their client loses the appeal over the body. Stern says Miss Smith had asked to be buried in the Bahamas, next to her son, Daniel. Arthur says her daughter should be buried in Texas, next to her arm.
Anna Nicole Buried In Bahamas, Tourists Flock to Visit Shrine
NASSAU, Bahamas - Anna Nicole Smith was laid to rest after a long legal battle over her remains, and Bahamian authorities reported three unverified healings by pilgrims who flocked to her resting place inside Our Lady of Leisure Church and Spa in this city.
"All the sores in my mouth are gone!" exulted Wanda Flooze, who came here from Kansas City with her companion. "I said a little prayer and I could feel the change."
Another visitor, who declined to give a name, credited the intervention of Miss Smith for the elimination of her flat, Chicago accent. "All the glottal stops are gone. American Idol, here I come! I'm absolutely convinced God is working through Anna Nicole to lift up the fallen," she cried before moving along to the Duty Free shop adjacent to the shrine.
Miss Smith's attorney and companion, Howard K. Stern, spent the morning greeting tourists and working the cash register in the gift shop alongside Virgie Arthur, Miss Smith's mother.
"All the sores in my mouth are gone!" exulted Wanda Flooze, who came here from Kansas City with her companion. "I said a little prayer and I could feel the change."
Another visitor, who declined to give a name, credited the intervention of Miss Smith for the elimination of her flat, Chicago accent. "All the glottal stops are gone. American Idol, here I come! I'm absolutely convinced God is working through Anna Nicole to lift up the fallen," she cried before moving along to the Duty Free shop adjacent to the shrine.
Miss Smith's attorney and companion, Howard K. Stern, spent the morning greeting tourists and working the cash register in the gift shop alongside Virgie Arthur, Miss Smith's mother.
RENDELL NOT INTERESTED IN VP SPOT
SAYS HE'S FOCUSING ALL HIS ATTENTION ON DETHRONING TAKERU KOBAYASHI AS CHAMP AT THIS YEAR'S CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST
OSCAR RECAP: REPORT FROM THE RED CARPET: GEORGE CLOONEY’S TUX IS FROM THE MENS WEARHOUSE
“I LIKE THE WAY I LOOK,” SAYS HANDSOME STAR; AGENT CLAIMS PERSONAL GUARANTEE OF MENS WEARHOUSE FOUNDER AND CEO GEORGE ZIMMER WAS CRUCIAL FACTOR IN DETERMINING CHOICE, SOURCE OF EVENING WEAR
"Harmless" California quake registers 3.4 on Richter Scale, but kills 120 on Universal's "Earthquake" ride because it felt like 11.7 to them
DISASTER GIVES DOWAGER ATTRACTION MUCH NEEDED CACHETHOLLYWOOD - Due to a tragic coincidence, a mild earthquake that struck Los Angeles today registering 3.4 on the Richter Scale claimed up to 120 lives and scores of additional injuries. A quake of this magnitude rarely causes injuries, but at the very moment the tremor struck shortly after 3 p.m., 162 people were riding the "Earthquake" thrill attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood, which simulates an authentic earthquake registering 8.3 on the Richter Scale. The combination of the real quake and the simulated quake created an 11.7 Richter Scale reading on the ride, the highest ever recorded. The previous high was 9.6 for the 1960 Chilean earthquake.
One teenage attendant said the disaster reminded him of the one that occurred at Universal's theme park in Florida "a long time ago" in 1999 when a tornado struck the "Twister" attraction.
Universal immediately established a relief plan. A teenage spokesgirl at the park explained that survivors will get free vouchers to visit Universal on another day of their choice.
Theme park experts are questioning Universal's unprecedented openness in providing details of the incident. Helen Palsgraf, Marketing Director at Disneyland, expained the Disney philosophy: "People don't like to hear bad news. Frankly, we've had much, more worse than this at Anaheim, but you'll never hear about it."
Elsewhere at Universal, most park visitors had no idea that an earthquake had even struck. When the bodies were being carried out, thousands of teenagers lined up to ride "Earthquake." The devastation ironically had given the dowager attaction, one of the park's oldest, much-needed cachet.
NEW FULL-BODY X-RAY MACHINE AT AIRPORT SO POWERFUL IT DETECTS BLOOD CLOTS
THERE'S A CATCH: MACHINE NOT COVERED BY MEDICAL INSURANCE AND CHARGES COULD ADD AS MUCH AS $1,000 TO THE COST OF PLANE TICKET
PHOENIX -- The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new x-ray security machine at the Sky Harbor Airport this week that produces a full body image of each passenger with blush-inducing clarity so detailed that it can expose the most concealed weapon and reveal whether someone has a blood clot. But there's a catch. The new x-ray is not covered by most health insurance plans, which could add as much as $1,000 to the cost of each plane ticket.
"I am all for security screening," said air traveler and convicted flasher Noah Swayne, "I don't even mind if all the other passengers see my genitalia. To be honest, I'd welcome that. But this extra cost is outrageous."
Government officials admitted that this added cost might be an inconvenience for some passengers but said it's all part of the war on terror. "We can't be too careful when it comes to airport security and who knows, we might just catch some life-threatening diseases before it's too late," explained Michael Chernoff, Secretary of Homeland Security.
Airline passenger advocacy groups are wary, saying that they worry about ticket prices escalating even more if the airport orders blood work.
PHOENIX -- The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new x-ray security machine at the Sky Harbor Airport this week that produces a full body image of each passenger with blush-inducing clarity so detailed that it can expose the most concealed weapon and reveal whether someone has a blood clot. But there's a catch. The new x-ray is not covered by most health insurance plans, which could add as much as $1,000 to the cost of each plane ticket."I am all for security screening," said air traveler and convicted flasher Noah Swayne, "I don't even mind if all the other passengers see my genitalia. To be honest, I'd welcome that. But this extra cost is outrageous."
Government officials admitted that this added cost might be an inconvenience for some passengers but said it's all part of the war on terror. "We can't be too careful when it comes to airport security and who knows, we might just catch some life-threatening diseases before it's too late," explained Michael Chernoff, Secretary of Homeland Security.
Airline passenger advocacy groups are wary, saying that they worry about ticket prices escalating even more if the airport orders blood work.
NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN DELIVERS FAREWELL ADDRESS TO THE NATION
WARNS AGAINST UNNECESSARY FOREIGN ENTANGLEMENTS, DANGERS OF THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, WHITE DEVILS
DETAILS EMERGE REGARDING SHARPTON SLAVE TRADE
NEW YORK - Details emerged Monday concerning the revelation that an ancestor of the Rev. Al Sharpton was a slave owned by relatives of the late Senator Strom Thurmond. Records show that Sharpton's great-grandfather Coleman Sharpton, a slave owned by Julia Thurmond, was traded to the Yankees in a three way deal that sent an ancestor of Babe Ruth to the Boston Red Sox, thereby setting in motion the events that would lead to the fabled "Curse of the Bambino" some 70 odd years later. Julia Thurmond received an ancestor of the late Richard Petty in the trade, settingthe stage for South Carolina to become the birthplace of NASCAR in the 1850's. Detailed records uncovered after more than 140 years showed that Coleman Sharpton, "bats right, throws right" and "can hit for both power and average." Coleman Sharpton was eventually freed by an ancestor of George Steinbrenner and became a pioneer in the 'bling' industry, marketing flashy post civil war jewelry to freed slaves.
EX-SHERIFF DEFAZIO SAYS CONVICTED COPS ARE PRIZED TARGETS WHILE IN "THE HOLE," FEARS HE'LL BE MURDERED WHILE SERVING SENTENCE
FORMER LAWMAN SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS HOME CONFINEMENT. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT [MY WIFE] IS CAPABLE OF DOING TO ME WHILE I'M IN THERE," HE PLEADS TO JUDGE.
NCAA: DUKE RAPE CASE HAS DONE WONDERS TO PROMOTE SPORT OF LACROSSE
DURHAM, N.C. - A huge crowd and dozens of reporters more than would normally attend swarmed the Duke Lacrosse field as the team played its first game in eleven months following the controversial sexual assault charges against three of its players. Walter Byers, executive director of the NCAA, was beaming. "The Duke rape case has done the little known sport of lacrosse a world of good, just a world of good," said Byers. Prior to the news of the alleged crime, a majority of Americans knew next to nothing about the sport where teams score by projecting a hard rubber ball into their opponent's goal using netted sticks. Ever since the rape charges were filed, public awareness of the sport has skyrocketed. Byers hopes that the controversy and circus sideshow atmosphere generated by the alleged crime, with its overtones of racism and class divisions, continues through the summer. "Anything that keeps lacrosse in the news is good, good, good," he said.
"I can't say enough wonderful things about that stripper [the alleged victim]," Byers added. "She is just a beautiful, beautiful person, even if it turns out she's a lying whore." But Byers reserved his highest praise for the Duke lacrosse team. "Those boys -- what can I say? We owe those horny, sex-crazed boys a debt of gratitude that we'll just never be able to repay."
ZOO’S OTHER MALE ELEPHANTS ARE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT JACKSON THE ELEPHANT’S CONQUESTS
Six-time father just will not shut up about his prowess, young males complain 
PITTSBURGH – Three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo are becoming increasingly irritated by the dominant male’s constant bragging about impregnating the local females. Jackson is known to have fathered six offspring during his tenure in Highland Park.
PITTSBURGH – Three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo are becoming increasingly irritated by the dominant male’s constant bragging about impregnating the local females. Jackson is known to have fathered six offspring during his tenure in Highland Park.“At first, we were really happy for him that he had some kids,” Timbuk, one of the young males, said. “But now that he has both Savannah and Moja pregnant at the same time, there is just no living with him. He trumpets all the time -- and he makes sure he does it six times. He’ll stamp his foot -- and he makes sure he does it six times. And now he’s putting us into a headlock, giving us noogies, and saying, 'Who’s a daddy? Who’s a daddy?' It is really annoying.”
None of the younger males is a father yet, and they admit jealousy may be behind some of their complaints. “We’re not geeky and we don’t stink, but the females won’t give us the time of day,” Timbuk said. “It’s all 'Jackson this,' and 'Jackson that.' It would be nice if we could just get a chance to get to know the girls and show them we could be good mates. Or at least good one-night stands.”
The young males have heard that Jackson might be shipped out to Somerset County. “We have no idea where that is, but we’re hoping he’ll be out of here soon,” Timbuk said. “None of us wants to die a virgin.”
CHENEY URGES JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TO JOIN HIM ON THE DARK SIDE
TOKYO - Vice President Dick Cheney met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to stress regional diplomatic cooperation at the premier's official residence in Tokyo. Cheney reportedly told Abe, "Join me on the dark side and you will become more powerful that you could ever imagine."
"AN EVENING WITH GENE COLLIER" AN UNQUALIFIED TRIUMPH
Mr. Collier, left, and John McIntire, right, with one of the Carbolic Smoke Ball writers.CARNEGIE, Pa. - An overflow crowd at a club in Carnegie feted brilliant humorist, columnist and playwright Gene Collier with roars of laughter last night as "An Evening with Gene Collier" was an unqualified triumph. Mr. Collier regaled the crowd with stories about his family, his work, and his take on our dysfunctional age. The one and only, and equally brilliant, John McIntire made a no-holds barred guest appearance -- and I mean no-holds barred. His story about Myron Cope's appearance on his television show was nothing short of breathtaking. The hilarious Mike Wysocki, a regular on DVE's Morning Show, was the MC, and we were surprised to learn he is not Asian. We were proud of the two opening acts, T. Jones and Andy Limberg, who were selected by The Carbolic Smoke Ball in a contest earlier this month. In short, they done real good -- both very funny, very poised. Maree Gallagher of TR Creative Services pulled off a great show. Congratulations!
--THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM
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