Gonzales Appears Before Senate Panel, Reflexively Fires Entire Judiciary Committee

WASHINGTON -- Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales yesterday denied any role in the dismissal of eight United States attorneys but was tripped up when a pointed question by chairman Patrick Leahy, D- Vt., provoked him into firing the entire committee.

"That's it. Clear out your desks and go home," Gonzales snapped after Leahy asked him if he had ever spoken with White House adviser Karl Rove about the firings.

Several Republican committee members mumbled apologies and began to leave the room before Leahy called them back, saying he did not believe Gonzales had the power to fire a United States senator.

"My understanding is that we're covered under Article I of the Constitution and the executive branch is covered under a separate article," Sen. Leahy told the members. "I don't recall an attorney general ever firing a senator."

Gonzales cited provisions of the recently renewed Patriot Act, the War Powers Act and the warranty on a recently purchased Dyson Vacuum cleaner which he said allow the executive branch to fire members of the senate during times of war "or extreme annoyance."

"What I said about 'you're fired,' it means you're fired. Get out," Gonzales said.

Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., said that he sensed "an impending Constitutional impasse" between the two branches over the firing and suggested a deeper examination of the legal implications "by the members of the Senate who are still in office which, apparently, we are not." He then voted to abstain from a position but quickly reversed himself when other Judiciary members pointed out that no vote was being taken and that, even if there were, apparently they're all fired.

The abrupt dismissal of the committee by the attorney general elicited a mixed reaction. Republican minority leader Dennis Hastert called the dismissals "proof positive that our Constitution works" and called Gonzales' action, "another example of how this administration intends to stand up to America's enemies, whether they are Islamic fascists or ordinary Americans." Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called the action "another reason I plan to punch the next guy I meet square in the nose." Dean then hurled a chair at a television news crew and bit the ear off one of his aides.

COLONEL SANDERS CALLED BACK TO ACTIVE DUTY, COURAGEOUS ROTISSERIAN WILL LEAD QUARTERMASTER CORPS IN IRAQ

WASHINGTON - Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said that Colonel Harlan Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a former commanding officer in the legendary “Fightin’ Fryers,” an elite unit of the U.S. Quartermaster Corps that has provided buckets of chicken to combat troops from Khe Sanh to Kabul , has been called back to duty.

“I am pleased to announce that as part of the President’s initiative to improve the morale of U.S. forces participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom, we have once again given a commission to Colonel Sanders,” said Gates.

Colonel Sanders is scheduled to report to Fort Campbell, Kentucky tomorrow morning. It is not known if the Colonel will forego his traditional dress for combat fatigues. Sanders was wounded by a sniper in Fallujah during his first tour of duty in Iraq, in part because of his unwillingness to wear anything but his trademark white suit and black bow tie in battle. “He might as well have had a bullseye on his back,” said Gates.

Speaking to reporters from the front porch of his old Kentucky home, Sanders was enthusiastic about getting another opportunity to serve his country. “I am certain that my delicious chicken, with its’ secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, will give our boys the necessary nutritional benefits they require to help bring an end to the sectarian violence currently afflicting that troubled land.”

Three C-30 Transport Planes filled with poultry left Bader-Meinh off Air Force Base in Germany early this morning. Members of the quartermaster corps will begin slaughtering the chickens today in preparation for the Colonel’s arrival next week.

FIFTEEN BRITISH HOSTAGES TRADED FOR A-ROD

LONDON - In a last minute pre-season move, the Iranian government is on the verge of completing a complex deal that would send 15 British sailors they are holding captive to the New York Yankees in exchange for superstar Alex Rodriguez.

The Iranians reportedly are balking at A-Rod's $252 million contract, but feel it may be a bargain compared to a minor military skirmish with the British. Ali Larijani, secretary of Iran's Supreme National Security Council, told state television, "[Rodriguez] is only due to make $27 million this year and we could burn that in a few minutes once the shooting starts."

According to sources who asked not to be named, the Iranians will get A-Rod (pictured above arriving at Yankee offices for the trade talks) in exchange for the British hostages; the Yankees will trade the hostages to the Detroit Tigers for pitcher Jeremy Bonderman; the Tigers will release the hostages, who will be claimed off waivers by the British. In return, the Tigers will receive cash, scones and crumpets.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked the Yankees and Tigers for their assistance in resolving the delicate diplomatic standoff. Blair asked: "A-Rod is really going to make $27 million this year?"

SINCE GOING FAST IS THE WHOLE POINT OF NASCAR, THE DRIVERS WHO USE ROCKET FUEL CAN SCARCELY BE LABELED "CHEATERS"

COMMENTARY BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - The peevish sports media is up to its old shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to destroy NASCAR, the most popular sport in America, simply because its fan base doesn’t share the media’s big city biases.

Their latest deceit is to label as “cheaters” the heroic drivers who use rocket fuel to make their cars go faster.

We’re sorry, but we thought that speed was the raison d'etre, the sine qua non, of NASCAR. If that’s so, a fortiori, more speed must be better.

Just remember, the sports media is comprised of the same people who decry the use of steroids to help batters hit more homeruns. Need I say more?

SEA WORLD EMPLOYEE ALMOST EATEN BY KILLER WHALE RETURNS TO WORK ON FRIDAYS DURING LENT

SAN DIEGO - Trainer Ken Peters, the SeaWorld employee almost eaten last year by Kasatka, the 5,000-pound-plus female SeaWorld killer whale, is back to work, but only on Fridays during Lent. It is safe for Peters to work those days because Kasatka is Catholic.

ONORATO, DIXON POSTPONE MEETING AT SOUTH SIDE BINGO HALL OVER SMOKING FINE

NEITHER POLITICIAN ABLE TO FIND PARKING DUE TO EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF "PARKING CHAIRS" IN STREET

• MEETING SCHEDULED LAST NIGHT BETWEEN COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO, ALLEGHENY HEALTH DEPARTMENT DIRECTOR BRUCE DIXON, MEMBERS OF LITHUANIAN CITIZENS' SOCIETY TO DISCUSS COMPROMISE OVER $16,250 FINE FOR VIOLATION OF PITTSBURGH'S NEW WORKPLACE SMOKING ORDINANCE DELAYED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE


• IN OTHER NEWS: INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ALSO INVESTIGATING JANE STREET BINGO HALL FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOUNT FOR $30,000 IT ALLEGEDLY SPENT FOR WOODEN STACKING CHAIRS

CARNAK THE MAGNIFICENT DIVINES THE ANSWER BEFORE HE EVEN READS THE QUESTION

"THE ANSWER IS: DR. PERPER'S COUNTY; MOE, CURLY AND SHEMP; AND BILL PEDUTO."

[HE OPENS THE ENVELOPE TO READ THE QUESTION]

"NAME A BROWARD, THREE HOWARDS, AND A COWARD."

BRITAIN ENLISTS NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN AS SPECIAL ENVOY TO STAND FIRM AGAINST IRAN

FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER RECOMMENDS POLICY OF FIRM AND UNYIELDING APPEASEMENT; SUGGESTS PEACE TREATY MODELED AFTER MUNICH AGREEMENT WITH HITLER

EDWARDS' POPULARITY SOARS WITH REVELATIONS ABOUT WIFE'S CANCER, SON'S DEATH

Ex-Senator's strategists scour family medical histories for more tragedies

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAYORAL DEBATE ON WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE" THIS SATURDAY

IT'S THE SHOOT-OUT OF ALL TIME! PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE, HOST OF "IT'S ALIVE," DEBATES MAYOR RAVENSTAHL (BE FOREWARNED: PEDUTO, SOPHIE INJECT SELVES INTO MELEE)

MIKE TOMLIN SINGLE-HANDEDLY CLEARS US AIRWAYS’ LUGGAGE BACKLOG

Baggage handlers file grievance -- “He’s making us look bad,” union rep complains

PHOENIX - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin personally delivered 10,000 bags to US Airways customers yesterday, eliminating a backlog that had lingered since computer and weather issues created problems for the airline last month.

The sequence of events started when US Airways lost one of Tomlin’s checked bags while he was on his way to Phoenix for NFL meetings. Despite promises from the airline that the bag would be delivered within four hours, it never appeared at Tomlin's hotel. Tomlin went to the airport, spotted his bag behind the counter, and dug it out of the pile himself.

“I kept getting the run-around from their call center and the people at the airport. I saw my bag and took it,” Tomlin said. “Then I started tossing bags to other people who were standing there waiting. That’s when some airline people showed up.”

“We could have had him arrested for going behind the counter, but we decided to put his talents to use instead,” US Airways spokesman Michael Chwastyk said. “We gave him a free ride to Philadelphia, handed him van keys and a map, and he took it from there.”

Tomlin sorted the bags, loaded them up, and started driving. Tomlin said the deliveries went smoothly. “Everyone was really happy to get their bags, and I made a ton of money in tips,” he said. “My biggest problem was when I got to the homes of Steelers fans. Everyone wanted to talk about the 3-4 defense, Big Ben, and Joey Porter. I would have liked to discuss my coaching philosophy with everyone individually, but I knew I had a lot more stops to make. Most people understood.”

Tomlin had planned to return to Phoenix tonight, but he is on standby for US Airways’ last flight out of Philadelphia. “Maybe I should have stayed in Minnesota,” he said. “There, I could fly on Northwest.”

Make sure you vote here for the winner of the great Carbolic-sponsored Mayoral debate, Mayor Ravenstahl or Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN-TV's chiller movie show "It's Alive."

CARTER, BLAIR MEET TO DISCUSS IRAN-BRITISH HOSTAGE CRISIS, FORMER PRESIDENT RECOMMENDS DARING, ILL-FATED HELICOPTER RESCUE ATTEMPT

LONDON - President Jimmy Carter met with Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning to offer assistance in securing the release of fifteen British sailors being held hostage by Iran. Speaking to reporters outside No. 10 Downing Street, Carter sounded optimistic that his intervention would bring a speedy resolution to the crisis.

“Even though the Iranian people spent three years hanging, or burning me in effigy on a daily basis, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. I’m sure they feel the same way. After all, I’m no longer just a highly visible symbol of American weakness in the face of Iranian aggression, I’m a Nobel Peace Prize Winner. When I confront the Iranian captors of these British sailors with the awesome moral authority bestowed upon me with the Nobel Peace Prize" – at this point, Carter reached underneath his shirt to reveal the Nobel Peace Prize hanging around his neck, attached to a gold chain – "they will see the error of their ways.”

When a reporter asked if he was concerned the Iranians wouldn’t be willing to take him hostage, Carter dismissed the question. “Just look at how far the Republic of Iran has progressed since I left office. Twenty-five years ago, Iran was a repressive theocracy run by a madman. And today . . .” Carter said, before he abruptly stopped speaking.

Prime Minister Blair interrupted the awkward silence by offering his gratitude for President Carter’s gracious suggestions. “President Carter has recommended an extended period of hand-wringing as the most effective way to bring this matter to a close,” said Blair. “Failing that, the President thinks our best option would be a daring, night-time helicopter rescue, preferably attempted in a blinding sandstorm.” Both men agreed that having James Bond around would make a situation like this much easier.

BAILIFF REPRIMANDED FOR USING ALPENHORN DURING ARRAIGNMENT OF SENATOR BOB REGOLA, YELLING "RE-GO-LAAAAA"

"I'm glad he did it," said a tipstaff who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean c'mon! How many times is he gonna have this golden opportunity?"

PORT AUTHORITY PLANS TO EASE ROUTE ELIMINATIONS, CUTBACKS BY DISTRIBUTING FREE PAIR OF "HEELYS" TO AFFECTED COMMUTERS

ROLLERSKATE-SHOE HYBRID GIVEAWAY PROGRAM PART OF PAT'S NEW "ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES" CAMPAIGN

OSCAR, THE GROUCH, FILES LAWSUIT AGAINST MAYOR RAVENSTAHL FOR HIS "REDD UP" INITIATIVE

LONG-TIME TRASH CAN RESIDENT ENLISTS AID OF PITTSBURGH ACLU'S VIC WALCZAK, CLAIMING CLEAN-UP OPERATION IS INFRINGEMENT ON HIS CIVIL LIBERTIES, RIGHT TO LIVE FILTHY

MAN EVICTED FROM FRICK HOUSE TOUR AFTER ASKING FOR "EXACT COUNT OF STRIKING LABORERS MASSACRED BY MR. FRICK'S GOONS" IN THE HOMESTEAD STRIKE OF 1892

News from the Smoke Ball

On Friday morning, during DVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy, you will hear the voice of our editor Judge Rufus Peckham for the first time ever. He will be delivering an important editorial about the corrupt big city sports media.

JACK RUBY HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE, OFFERS TO GUN DOWN KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED FOR U.S.

BUSH SAYS HE'LL "SLEEP ON IT"

FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT: "HOW I KEPT THE PENGUINS FROM LEAVING PITTSBURGH"

BY MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL - If I stopped to acknowledge all the accolades I've received for my pivotal role in keeping the Penguins in Pittsburgh, there would be precious little time to perform my ministry, serving the people of this great city. But inasmuch as students of the art of negotiation are clamoring for the details, I shall have no peace until I break my own rule, just this once, and provide a summary of the winning techniques I employed.

Despite the Penguins' repeated threats to leave town if they didn't get a new arena, I was determined at all costs not to sell out the people of this great city, so I set out to get the very best deal humanly possible for Pittsburgh. I came up with the idea of holding one last, secret "make or break" meeting at a New Jersey hotel with Governor Rendell, County Executive Onorato and Penguin owners Mario Lemieux and Ron Burkle. Before I could tell anyone my idea, it turns out the Governor must have known exactly what I was thinking, so he called everyone and set up the meeting, which was totally my idea, for March 8.

When we arrived at the hotel, tensions were running high. I decided to send Mario and Mr. Burkle a message right off the bat that I meant business. "Hello, gentlemen," I said with all the warmth I could muster, shaking their hands. That really threw them. For those students of the art of negotiation, pay particular attention to the following point; in fact, write it down: From the outset of our dealings, I adopted the approach of treating the Pens with great warmth and of giving in to their every demand, and I'm sure that totally confused them every time. To be honest, I always felt a little guilty playing mind games like this with them, but then my thoughts inevitably turned to the wonderful people of Pittsburgh, and the guilt vanished.

"Well," I continued, "let's see if we can't cut a deal tonight." You will note that I did not say, "We're definitely going to cut a deal tonight." I purposefully let them think I was ready to walk away without a deal. You see, I was putting on a clinic in "Getting My Way 101."

As the meeting commenced, I made a tactical decision of pretending I didn't quite know what was going on, of being disengaged. I even brought a video game device to play during the meeting, which just blew their minds. The fact is I was studying their every word, their every pause. I decided to let Rendell and Onorato do the talking for the group, but everyone knew their words were inconsequential; the real "negotiation" -- unspoken though it was -- was making Mario and Burkle wonder when I might pounce.

Things got pretty heated, which is just as I planned. At one point late in the evening, Mario asked me what I thought of a certain point. At first I pretended I wasn't paying attention, but this was just to make him repeat it and throw him off. I won't go into detail as to what the point was (I certainly remember it well), but I cleverly said, "I agree with you, Mario," acting like a star-struck schoolboy. Well, this set Mario's mind a-whirl, trying to make sense of my ploy. Immediately, Rendell pretended to become furious with me. He slapped the table, which is exactly what I wanted, and told me to leave the room and go get everyone coffee, which is just as I planned. Mario obviously was so confused by all this his mind could not have known how to react. The amazing part is that Rendell and I never even discussed this strategy in advance.

I got the coffee and purposefully dawdled in the lobby, stopping to watch Jay Leno for a few minutes. All the while I knew what was going on in the conference room: The Pens were working feverishly to conclude a deal before I would come back in the room to get the better of them. By the time I brought the coffee in, they were all shaking hands and congratulating each other. An agreement had been reached on terms that could not possibly be any better for Pittsburgh. And, of course, everyone in that room knew who was the real architect of the deal.

PORT AUTHORITY CUTS TROLLEY TO NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE

INEVITABLE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN DUE TO LOSS OF TROLLEY LINE TURNS GENTLE FRED ROGERS INTO RAVING MADMAN

SMITH AUTOPSY RELEASED

DANIA BEACH, Fla. - Broward County Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper found that Anna Nicole Smith' life force was sucked out of her by the array of human leeches with which she surrounded herself.

Dr. Perper explained: "Ms. Smith's boyfriend Howard K. Stern, her mother Virgie Arthur, ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, bizarre hanger-on Count Frederic von Anhalt and several other members of her entourage accidentally 'leeched' her existence from her, there's no other way to put it, during a buffet lunch that she paid for." Dr. Perper explained that after everyone present at the gathering repeatedly approached Smith for either money or sexual favors, she abruptly collapsed. It then took the group several minutes to remove everything of value from her body, and by the time they stopped bickering and called for medical assistance, she had died.

Perper ruled the official cause of death as "collaborative accidental imbecility," and, therefore, no charges were filed.

ONORATO VOWS TO SHUT DOWN NEW CASINO IF IT ATTEMPTS TO PERMIT SMOKING

"I'M SHOCKED, SHOCKED TO FIND THAT SMOKING IS GOING ON IN HERE."

ANNA NICOLE AUTOPSY SHOCKER: DEATH DUE TO PLASTIC SURGERY ERROR

Buttocks Accidentally Implanted on Chest

PITTSBURGH REPUBLICANS DISCUSS UPCOMING MAYORAL PRIMARY AT ANNUAL SPRING SOCIAL

PARAPSYCHOLOGIST REVEALS MOST HAUNTED PLACE IN AMERICA: THE SET OF WBGN-TV's "IT'S ALIVE"

PITTSBURGH - Internationally renowned parapsychologist Dr. Lucius Q. C. Lamar said he has found the most haunted place in America: the set of WBGN-TV's "It's Alive," a Saturday night scary film fest similar to Pittsburgh's classic "Chiller Theater" that ruled the local airwaves for two decades until its demise in 1983. "It's Alive" is hosted by Mark Menold, who calls himself Professor Emcee Square on the show.

Dr. Lamar said that last Thursday evening, his Ganzfield Meter, which measures alpha wave disturbances indicating paranormal activity, achieved its highest readings ever inside the "It's Alive" studio, on the second floor of Pittsburgh Filmmakers.

"I witnessed firsthand the most disturbing demonic spiritual possession I have ever heard of," said Dr. Lamar. Dr. Lamar said he saw two grown men, one made up as if he were a corpse, the other dressed as a clown, conversing on a set that resembled the one used on the "Tonight Show." Then the clown jumped up on a desk and began to mimic a donkey, repeatedly kicking his giant legs out. Then the corpse-like man jumped atop him and pretended to ride him. "The entire time," Dr. Lamar explained, "the two men acted as if this spectacle somehow was entertaining." Dr. Lamar shuddered at the memory of the event. "I assure you, this was something science simply cannot explain."

BUSH TO ADDRESS STUDENTS AT ST. VINCENTS

LATROBE - President Bush will deliver the 2007 commencement address at St. Vincent College on May 11, the White House announced today. A spokesman for the President said Mr. Bush's speech, tailor-made for Western Pennsylvania, will be titled, "I Hope Yunz Find a Job."

The President's appearance will mark only the second commencement address he has delivered at a Catholic institution of higher learning. Aides speaking on condition of anonymity said they hope this one goes better than Mr. Bush's appearance at Notre Dame University in 2001 when he strayed from prepared remarks and blurted out, "I know everybody thinks all this holy water and rosaries and the Pope are a bunch of Catholic hooey and all, but as I always tell my friends, 'Hey, when we need to kill a vampire, the Catholics are the people we turn to.'"

Officials at St. Vincent said that for inspiration, Bush will also read sections from the classic, My Pet Goat to the graduating students.

KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR “HEAVEN’S GATE,” “HOWARD THE DUCK,” "ISHTAR"

BUT 9-11 MASTERMIND SAYS HE PLAYED NO PART IN DEVELOPMENT OF “COP-ROCK”

NEW AT&T SERVICE CALLS TEENS' CELL PHONES EVERY THREE MINUTES TO CREATE ILLUSION THEY ARE POPULAR

NEW YORK - For just $45 per month, operators manning AT&T's new Virtual Talk Bud service call the cellphones of its teenage subscribers every three minutes and engage them in mindless conversation with the goal of creating the illusion that the subscribers have innumerable friends who never stop calling.

Seventeen year-old Felix Frankfurter explained the need the new service fills: "It's like, the worst feeling in the world, dude, when you're, like, on a date and nobody calls you." Sixteen year-old Ashley Rooney agrees. She dumped her boyfriend, 18-year old Lucius Q.C. Lamar, last month after a dinner at Pizza Hut during which no one called Lucius. Ashley explained: "Like, I couldn't stop thinking, 'what's wrong with him?'"

The Virtual Talk Bud operators are located in India, but they have been taught to converse in the inane lingo of American teenagers, with phrases such as, "What's up, dude?" And, "Hey, dude, want to check out my new video game later?"

Felix Frankfurter put the new service in perspective: "Ever since I signed on [with Virtual Talk Bud], dude, I'm no longer, like, some loser with nobody to talk to on my cell while I'm hanging with my buds at the mall."

JACK WILSON CRITICIZES SANCHEZ'S MILDLY SPRAINED COLLATERAL LIGAMENT

BRADENTON, Fla. - Freddie Sanchez received a second opinion today from an orthopedic surgeon, who concluded that Sanchez's medial collateral ligament is mildly sprained.

Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson immediately had harsh words for Sanchez's medial collateral ligament.

"Sanchez's medial collateral ligament came to Florida out of shape and not ready to play baseball," Wilson told TV host Stan Savran. "That's the one body part that you need to work on all winter to get it in shape, and Sanchez just didn't do it." Savran asked Wilson where that ligament is located, and Wilson quickly changed the subject.

Wilson does a nightly television show with Savran where he picks a different person to criticize each night. In the past month, Wilson has criticized Jose Castillo, TV talk show host Larry King, Che Guevara, the U.S. Supreme Court, Ryan Seacrest, former defense secretary Robert McNamara, and attorney general Alberto Gonzales.

RECENT WARNING ABOUT ASIAN FOOD LEAVES PEOPLE, STOMACHS GROWLING

WASHINGTON -- The typical meal served in an Asian restaurant contains a tsunami of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has warned.

A plate of Ho Chi Minh City Chicken, for example, is loaded with about 90% more sodium and more than three-quarters of the calories an average adult needs for an entire year.

"We have to sound the alarm about Asian food," said Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which prepared a report released last week. “Not that anyone will hear it over all of the munching and slurping that goes on in those places – not to mention the belching,” Lugosi-Swayne lamented.

The report was greeted with disbelief by diners packing the popular Chairman Mao’s restaurant here in DC.

“Just who are these do-gooders?” shouted Bradleys Roadhouse over the din as he gobbled down a plate of Tojo’s Imperial Steak With Bacon. “What? They’re not happy unless they’re scaring us about something!”

Calorie-laden Asian restaurant food can lead to heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes or worse, the report contended.

Roadhouse’s companion, a stylish, younger man who would not provide his name, was unpersuaded. “This food loaded with calories? Why is it, then, that every time I eat here I have to stop for a couple of hamburger and a milkshake on the way home?”

BREAKING NEWS: SINKHOLE THREATENS TO CONSUME THE POST-GAZETTE

BOB SMIZIK, HIS COMPUTER SWALLOWED INTO CHASM

PITTSBURGH - Water leaking from a 36-inch water main caused an area of the Boulevard of the Allies to sink at the intersection with Commonwealth Place and the inbound ramp from the Fort Pitt Bridge.

The sinkhole rapidly expanded throughout the day and by 4 p.m.,the north end of the Post-Gazette building at 34 Boulevard of the Allies had collapsed into the hole.

Popular sports columnist Bob Smizik was busy preparing a rare non-sports column titled "The sinkhole is exactly what Pittsburgh needs" when he and his desk were swallowed into the chasm without warning. Witnesses walking on the other side of the Boulevard of the Allies say that a sound akin to a "violent burp" erupted from the hole, "as if the earth suddenly had heartburn."

Judge Rufus Peckham, founder and editor of this news source, issued a statement extending his condolences to the Post-Gazette and to Mr. Smizik's family and readers. Judge Peckham added that in the event the Post-Gazette is entirely swallowed up by the sinkhole, the Carbolic Smoke Ball would continue to offer the people of Western Pennsylvania a viable news alternative.

More details in tomorrow's Carbolic Smoke Ball.

RAVENSTAHL REPORTS ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO NEW YORK

Confirms Bronx Up, Battery Down; Rendell aide still missing

NEW YORK -- Declaring it "a heckuva town," Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said his impromptu visit to this city was a morale-booster for a local population still reeling from 9/11, a struggling economy, and the Donald Trump-Rosie O'Donnell feud.

"Pittsburghers have always been a caring people," the 27-year-old mayor said. "It was time somebody stopped by just to tell them, 'Hi, I'm from a city where they don't pee in stairwells. How are you doing?'"

New Yorkers responded with typical warmth, telling the young mayor to enjoy their outdoor amenities, such as taking a hike, and to enjoy various parts of his anatomy.

The Mayor said he was especially impressed with how random New Yorkers expressed concern about whether he had enough money for his visit to one of the nation's most expensive towns.

"They kept coming up to me and asking if I had any spare change. I told them, yes, thanks, I was just fine in that department. But just imagine how comforting this must be to visitors from places like Erie or Fayette County."

"At heart, these are truly caring people," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "They seemed concerned about my well-being. At almost every corner, total strangers were walking up and asking me if I was looking for a date. I had to explain that I was married, but that my wife wasn't with me on this trip. The Rendell guy who came along with me was so impressed, he got a few of their phone numbers and said he was going to pass them on to the governor. Probably they're putting together some kind of commission to study single lifestyles in Pennsylvania."

After a nighttime visit to the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and Carnegie Hall, the mayor settled in for the night. An avid outdoorsman, he said he was delighted to discover a hard-core camping community in this city, and eagerly joined in the inner-city sleep-out.

"I was surprised to discover that there's no Motel 6 here," the mayor explained. "I mean, here it is, the country's biggest city and, really, you can't find a motel or a drive-in theater anywhere in town." Not to be discouraged, they mayor joined two of his newest friends, Harpo and Radio Man, in a rustic, natural setting in an alleyway behind the Ed Sullivan Theater.

"It was really cool -- we lit a little fire and spread out our kits, and this Harpo guy even had what looked like a genuine Indian peace pipe. I must have really been tired, because I took one puff and the whole place seemed to just swirl around me." After awakening, the mayor was disappointed to discover that he'd somehow misplaced his wallet, cell phone, watch, rings, several gold fillings from his teeth and, in what must have been one of the odder mishaps in urban camping, his pants.

"Well, I was in such a hurry to get there, I probably left that stuff on the plane," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "But I think Pittsburgh scored some important public relations points with the people of this town and I'm definitely going to come back sometime soon. I probably won't even need any spare change."

CASTRO 'FULLY RECOVERED,' RESUMES WORLD TOUR WITH DANCING BEAR

FIDEL DAZZLES PREVIEW AUDIENCE WITH FIVE NEW SONGS, SHOWSTOPPING DANCE ROUTINE

WRAP-UP ON DON KING'S VATICAN TRIP

• DON KING, POPE BENEDICT VI MEET AT VATICAN, KING CALLS LATEST PAPAL ENCYCLICAL “STUPENDOUS, SPLENDIFEROUS, AND SPECTACULUROUS!”
• KING INQUIRES ABOUT POPE’S INTERIOR DECORATOR, POPE ASKS KING FOR THE NAME OF HIS BARBER
• DON KING PRODUCTIONS TO RELEASE EXCLUSIVE FILM OF “THE SOUL SUMMIT ” ON PAY-PER-VIEW
• KING EXPECTED TO ASSUME EXCLUSIVE REPRESENTATION OF THE VICAR OF CHRIST ON EARTH
• POPE, PATRIARCH OF CONSTANTINOPLE SIGN FOR CHRISTIAN UNIFICATION BOUT TO BE HELD IN LAS VEGAS THIS SEPTEMBER

NOAH SWAYNE'S LONG-AWAITED AUTOBIOGRAPHY CHRONICLES LIFE OF SELF-PROCLAIMED BORN LOSER

ON SALE NOW: "JUST MY LUCK: THE MAN WHO MISSED OUT ON PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING"

KATE AND LEO REUNITE FOR FIRST TIME SINCE "TITANIC," PRODUCERS DEVISE WAY FOR LEO TO RETURN FROM ICY DEATH IN ATLANTIC

HOLLYWOOD - Leonard DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, who played ill-starred lovers in the 1997 smash "Titanic," are reuniting for "Revolutionary Road," a drama about post-war disillusionment, Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported on Friday.

The producers faced one big hurdle -- explaining how Leo, frozen to death in the icy waters of the North Atlantic at the conclusion of "Titanic," could come back to life.

"That was simple," said Winslet's husband, director Sam Menedes. "Leo's body floats up a stream to the waters of the Carpathian Mountains; Kate follows him in her row boat, working furiously against gravity, but then somehow she bumps her head. The blood seeps into the ice, right into Leo's lips. Leo sucks the blood and comes back to life. Well, see, turns out Leo's a vampire."

The producers are hoping the film appeals to the same discerning young female audience that made "Titanic" a blockbuster.

FOOD POLICE RENEW ATTACK ON CHINESE FOOD

Takeout orders surge 15% on day report is released

WASHINGTON, DC – The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI), which made headlines 15 years ago when it listed high levels of fat and sodium in popular Chinese food dishes, has released an updated report that finds nothing has changed. “Sodium, fat and calories remain unconscionably high,” CSPI nutrition director Bonnie Liebman said. “When is America going to wake up?”

Local restaurant owner Bradleys Roadhouse laughed at the question. “America doesn’t want to wake up,” he said. “When I heard about their new report, my first thought was, ‘I could go for some kung pao chicken right now.’” Apparently many other people had the same thought, as Chinese restaurants nationwide reported a surge in business last Wednesday.

Roadhouse, who dismissively calls CSPI “the food police,” continued ranting. “I have news for them: fat tastes good. Salt really wakes up flavors. I know those do-gooders also criticized Italian food and movie popcorn, but you didn’t see anyone cutting back on those, either.”

“Really, wouldn’t you rather come to my restaurant and have a nice, juicy steak and an overstuffed potato? Their idea of a good time is probably trying seven different kinds of hummus. I’d rather risk having a heart attack than eat that way.”

Ms. Liebman admits CSPI faces an uphill battle trying to change the nation’s eating habits. “It’s discouraging when no one listens to us, and sometimes I feel like I should go have a few drinks. But then I remember the empty calories and lack of nutrients in alcohol, and I pop open a can of soy milk instead.”

Said Roadhouse in response: “I rest my case.”

GORE CLEARS THREE ROWS OF SEATS BEHIND HIM AT GLOBAL WARMING HEARINGS WITH REPEATED METHANE GAS EMISSIONS

REPUBLICANS ACCUSE FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT OF POISONING THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE CHAMBER

HILLARY CLINTON APPEARANCE AT CIVIL RIGHTS MEMORIAL SERVICE IN SELMA MARRED BY ATTEMPT AT HUMOR

FORMER FIRST LADY’S RECREATION OF MOMS MABLEY ROUTINE GREETED WITH SILENCE, JEERS

IRAN RELEASES BRITISH SAILORS AFTER FIVE MINUTES

ARABS SAY THEY 'COULDN'T STOMACH' THE SNOOTINESS OR THE 'DRY,' BUT UNFUNNY 'HUMOR'

STEELERS NATION IN UPROAR OVER BIG BEN'S "IT'S OK TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE BAD YEAR" REMARK

Fans demand to know how many bad seasons he's planning and when they will occur

HILLARY CLINTON SEEKS TO STOP INCREASE IN EDWARDS POLL NUMBERS FOLLOWING REVELATION OF HIS WIFE’S DISEASE

WILL HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW TO ANNOUNCE THAT HER HUSBAND HAS CANCER OF THE PENIS

MONTALBAN PRAISES GONZALES

HOLLYWOOD - Legendary actor Ricardo Montalban released a statement praising embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "I have nothing but praise for Alberto Gonzales," Montalban said. "Alberto and I worked closely together early in his career and he always acted in accordance with the highest standards of his profession." Reached by phone Montalban added, "Of course, the only problems we had with detainees on "Fantasy Island" was getting them to leave." Montalban admitted his surprise that Gonzales had advanced to become Attorney General. "But then again, I can see where a degree from the Fantasy Island Law School would prepare him for the work he's doing at the Justice Department.

Peduto jilts Pittsburgh's left wing on the runway

"YOU'RE GETTING ON THAT PLANE WITH LUKE RAVENSTAHL"

POST-GAZETTE'S TOM WASELESKI CONFRONTS PEDUTO, GIVES HIM 'KISS OF DEATH'

"YOU BROKE MY HEART, PEDUTO. YOU BROKE MY HEART."

NEXT FRIDAY: YOU WILL HEAR THE VOICE OF OUR FOUNDER, JUDGE RUFUS PECKHAM, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

. . . ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

SATURDAY MARCH 31 AT 10 PM: MAYOR RAVENSTAHL VS. PROF. EMCEE SQUARE ON WBGN TV

IDENTITY OF MYSTERIOUS 'FRIEND OF KEVIN'S HOUSE' REVEALED

PITTSBURGH - Mystery solved. The identity of the elusive "friend of Kevin's house" referenced by Mayor Ravenstahl in a statement to Post-Gazette reporter Rich Lord last week was revealed this afternoon.

Mr. Lord had asked the mayor where he stayed in New York on the evening of March 14 following his now infamous plane ride with Ron Burkle, principal owner of the Penguins, hours after city, state, and Allegheny County officials announced an arena deal with the team. "We stayed at a friend of Kevin's house that evening," the mayor said of his sleep-over.

The mayor refused to provide any further information about the identity of the "friend of Kevin's house" until this afternoon when Dick Skrinjar announced that the friend of Kevin's house is actually Douglas Shed, a freestanding shed that sits on private property next to Kevin's house. The shed and the house are pictured above. Mr. Skrinjar explained: "The shed and the house are, to my knowledge, best friends. On March 14, the mayor stayed in the shed."

BILL PEDUTO, NANCY PELOSI AND ONAN START 'SOCIETY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL'

"I DON'T GET IT"

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL AGREES TO DEBATE PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE ON MARCH 31 AT 10 PM ON WBGN TV

IT'S NOW A TWO-MAN RACE FOR MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH: RAVENSTAHL VERSUS EMCEE SQUARE