Joe Hardy to Wed Yet Again

Colorful 84 Lumber millionaire Joe Hardy will marry a 4-month-old human embryo that has recently been identified as female, a family spokesman confirmed today.

“Mr. Hardy and his new bride are clearly very happy and looking forward to their forthcoming honeymoon,” said spokesman Gerhard Noodelfuss. Noodelfuss said the couple has rented the plastic ball room at Ikea for their getaway.

The surprise engagement follows the tragic breakup of Hardy’s third marriage, which took place in Las Vegas last month but ended abruptly when the newest Mrs. Hardy was fired for failing to show up for her full-time job as a manicurist at Nemacolin Woodlands.

Citing his company’s “zero tolerance” policy for nepotism, Hardy dismissed his bride. Spokesmen were unable to say how the couple met, although Hardy credited his latest engagement to perseverance, good luck and advances in chromosome technology that made it possible to determine the gender of the embryo.

PRESIDENT BUSH EXPRESSES SUPPORT FOR ADAM LAROCHE: “IF ANYTHING, HIS INABILITY TO REMEMBER HOW TO HIT GIVES ME MORE CONFIDENCE IN HIM”

J.T. FROM THE HILL WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR TALK-SHOW CALLING; OMNIPRESENT VOICE ON PITTSBURGH AIRWAVES WILL ACCEPT HIS AWARD OVER THE PHONE

OSLO - The Royal Swedish Academy Of Communications announced yesterday that it has awarded the Nobel Prize for Talk-Show calling to J.T. from the Hill. The prize comes with a cash award of ten thousand dollars, along with a gold-plated directory containing the phone number of every radio station in the world.

A spokesman for the Academy, Prince Hal, said the prize was being given in “recognition of a lifetime devoted to the service of humanity by offering opinions.” The Prince added that J.T. is an inspiration to millions of people in the world who form views on a variety of issues but are reluctant to use public forums for their personal expressions. “J.T. has consistently demonstrated that he is a man of action. Whenever he has an idea, or a theory, no matter how half-baked or hare-brained, he gets on the phone. And for that, we can all be truly grateful.”

J.T. was informed of his award last night during a phone call made to Bruce Williams on 1410 KQV. “I’m humbled, but thankfully, I’m not speechless,” he said. This is the third time that a local resident has been awarded a Nobel Prize. In 1998, Jocko from Fox Chapel won the first Nobel Prize for Talk-Show Calling, and just last year longtime Pittsburgh sports venue mainstay T.C. Congdon won the Nobel Prize for Vending.

NEWLY RELEASED REAGAN DIARY REVEALS HOW 40TH PRESIDENT WON THE COLD WAR

ANNA NICOLE JUDGE LARRY SEIDLIN BURSTS INTO TEARS, ORDERS CARNEGIE MUSEUM'S MUMMY CHILD BURIED IN BAHAMAS

MUMMY'S EGYPTIAN FAMILY HIRES DR. CYRIL WECHT TO DETERMINE CAUSE OF DEATH

PITTSBURGH RIDING HIGH IN APRIL, SHOT DOWN IN MAY

Steel City named most livable last month, but now also tops separate list for poor air quality.

HISTORIAN CLAIMS HE'S DISCOVERED IDENTITY OF VICTORIAN SERIAL KILLER JACK THE RIPPER

HE'S JUSTIN PETERS, SENIOR AT THOMAS JEFFERSON HIGH AND CLERK AT SHEETZ ON CURRY HOLLOW ROAD IN PLEASANT HILLS

JOE HARDY REGISTERS FOR WEDDING GIFTS AT HEALTH-A-RAMA HOSPITAL SUPPLY STORE

LUMBER BARON SAYS HE HOPES MARRIAGE LASTS TO FIFTH ANNIVERSARY WHEN TRADITIONAL GIFT IS "WOOD"

CARNEGIE MUSEUM EXAMINES CHILD-MUMMY WITH UNUSUALLY LARGE HEAD, FINDS REMAINS ADORNED BY 'PECULIAR GARMENT'

CASTRO SKIPS MAY DAY FESTIVITIES TO APPEAR ON AIRCRAFT CARRIER, DECLARES CUBAN PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION A 'COMPLETE SUCCESS'

EXCITED GREG BROWN BREAKS INTO GIBBERISH OVER JACK WILSON'S FOURTH INNING FIELDING GEM

BUCS' BROADCASTER UNABLE TO RIGHT HIMSELF, REMAINDER OF BROADCAST INCOMPREHENSIBLE

WECHT: THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SECOND ROCK THROWER ON GRASSY KNOLL OF PARKWAY WEST

"ONE ROCK COULD NOT HAVE CAUSED DAMAGE POLICE ALLEGE," FAMED PATHOLOGIST SAYS, DERISIVELY CALLS IT "THE MAGIC ROCK"

'EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS' SIGNS MISSING FROM WHITE HOUSE MEN’S ROOM, VICE-PRESIDENT BLAMES AL QAEDA

STEELERS’ FIRST ROUNDER LAWRENCE TIMMONS VOWS TO EVADE DRAFT, CLAIMS “CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR” STATUS

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL BEGINS PROCESS OF HIRING REPLACEMENTS FOR NEWLY VACATED STAFF POSITIONS

FIRST ROUND OF PROSPECTS TO BE SHOWN TRAINING VIDEO AT GROUP SESSION TODAY

BUSH PROMISES 'VETOPALLOOZA'

CAMP DAVID, Md. - President Bush, shown above attempting to distract reporters while discussing a possible veto of war funding, insisted Tuesday that he will veto any bills sent to his desk by Congress that contains "anything the American people really, really want." This policy is referred to by the White House as "Don't Ask, Don't Care" (DADC). "All foreign and domestic policy issues are reviewed by the DADC staff before the it submits formal recommendations to the White House," explained a member of the DADC staff, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The DADC imprint is obvious on budget planning, alternative energy decisions, the response to Katrina, as well as major aspects of the Iraq war," he explained.

Polls showing the unpopularity of the war drove the DADC recommendation that the president veto any war spending bills if they contain a timetable for withdrawing American troops from Iraq. "It's clear the American people would really like to see some sort of an exit strategy, or at the very least some hint of any strategy whatsoever," said the DADC staff member. "But our mission is clear, at DADC we don't make the recommendations the American people want, we make recommendations the president wants to hear."

WOLFOWITZ GETS NO CONFIDENCE VOTE FROM MR. DRYSDALE

PRESIDENT OF BEVERLY HILLS COMMERCE BANK SAYS BUSH SHOULD REPLACE WORLD BANK PRESIDENT WITH JETHRO BODINE

GEORGE TENET SAYS PIRATES A "SLAM DUNK" TO WIN WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP THIS YEAR

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL SALUTES ITS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

Probably no one in the history of Pittsburgh's print media has written in a style remotely similar to Peter Leo's. For almost thirty 30 years, he has honored us with his gentle and, at times, biting wit and his unparalleled skill as a writer. He is an inspiration to everyone who tries to evoke laughter with the written word. He is the best, pure and simple.

And he happens to be the man who discovered The Carbolic Smoke Ball. Worse than that, at a time when the Smoke Ball wasn't sure if anybody else "got" what we were doing, he told us "[t]hat stuff is as funny as anything out there." So, we continued. The world has Peter Leo to blame that we're still here. Nobody's perfect.

Mr. Leo is retiring from the day-to-day grind of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. We trust he realizes this does not void his obligation, ordained from on high, to put his writing talents to good use, and to share them with us from time to time. God bless you, Peter Leo. And thank you, for everything.

SUNNI FLORIST DETONATES POLLEN BOMB IN CROWDED BAGHDAD STREET; HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE SUFFER RED, WATERY EYES, SNEEZING

JFK FURIOUS AFTER READING DISPATCHES FROM NEW PEARLY GATES CORRESPONDENT DAVID HALBERSTAM; ASKS ST. PETER TO HAVE HIM THROWN OUT OF HEAVEN

EMBATTLED WOLFOWITZ UNDER PRESSURE TO RESIGN AS HEAD OF WORLD BANK

CITY COUNCILWOMAN TWANDA CARLISLE SAYS SHE’S “INTERESTED IF THE JOB IS OPEN;” PROMISES TO SPUR GLOBAL ECONOMIC GROWTH THROUGH CONSULTANTS, FAMILY FRIENDS

FLYING STEPHEN HAWKING SLATED TO TAKEOVER LEAD IN 'PETER PAN' ON BROADWAY THIS FALL

SALLY WIGGIN GIVES MOUTH-TO-MOUTH TO 17 FAMISHED GUESTS AT ANNUAL RED CROSS GALA

BELOVED WTAE-TV ANCHOR BARRED FROM FUTURE RED CROSS AFFAIRS FOR "SHOWING UP" ORGANIZATION'S TRAINED LIFE-SAVERS; RED CROSS VOWS TO SERVE DINNER EARLIER NEXT YEAR

DICK SKRINJAR TELLS MEDIA, "IT'S BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL THIS MORNING"

MAYORAL SPOKESPERSON REPORTS TO RAVENSTAHL'S SUITE, ASSURES PUBLIC REPORTS OF HIS DEMOTION "JUST BIG MISUNDERSTANDING"

EMBARRASSING MOMENT: WHILE DRIVING THROUGH OAKLAND, MAYOR RAVENSTAHL ENCOUNTERS DEMOTED OFFICIALS IN THEIR NEW CITY JOBS

SCIENTIST STEPHEN HAWKING TO DO HEINZ FIELD FLYOVER WITHOUT A PLANE BEFORE STEELERS' HOME OPENER ON SEPTEMBER 16

COWHER AUCTION SNAGS $55,000 FOR BAGFUL OF PROSTHETIC CHINS

STEELERS' MASCOT NAMED . . .

INTRODUCING "HUNKY DOREY," THE PSYCHOPATH STEELER FAN WHO DRESSES IN THE GARB OF A STEELWORKER EVEN THOUGH ALL THE MILLS ARE CLOSED

RENDELL INSTALLS 'BATPOLES' IN GOVERNOR'S MANSION TO GET HIM TO LIMO FASTER, SO HE CAN SPEED TO NEXT ENGAGEMENT

YELTSIN’S LIVER ACQUIRED BY SMITHSONIAN; WILL JOIN LIVERS OF MICKEY MANTLE, FOSTER BROOKS IN “ULTIMATE CIRRHOSIS” EXHIBIT THIS FALL

ZOO’S YOUNG MALE ELEPHANTS HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT RECENT ANNOUNCEMENT

Dominant male is leaving the zoo, but females are leaving with him

HIGHLAND PARK -- There’s good news and bad news for three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Their romantic rival, Jackson, is leaving in the fall, but three new females from Philadelphia are going with him. They will be among the first residents of the new International Conservation Center in Somerset County.

The young males had previously complained that Jackson, a six-time father, would not stop bragging about his conquests (see story here). “Thank God we won’t have to listen to him anymore,” said Timbuk, who has acted as spokesman for the young males in the past. “Do they need any help building the building over in Somerset? I’m sure we’d all be willing to carry stuff for the construction workers. We’ll do anything to get him out of here faster.” Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the females are thrilled. “We’ve heard a lot of good things about Jackson,” Petal, the oldest female, said. “Word gets around, if you know what I mean. Bette and Callie [the two breeding-aged females] are already dreaming about him.” At 51, Petal is too old for breeding, but, “I’m not exactly dead, either. Maybe Jackson appreciates more mature females.”

Back in Pittsburgh, Timbuk says he realizes the remaining females may be a little depressed after Jackson’s gone. “Savannah and Moja will be pregnant until 2008, and the others will probably cry a lot at first. But eventually they’ll come around. Limited options work to our advantage.”

TEXTING CHAMPION MORGAN POZGAR IN CUSTODY AFTER SENDING “MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE” TO GEORGE W. BUSH’S PERSONAL CELL PHONE

WASHINGTON, D.C. - 13-year-old Morgan Pozgar, of Claysburg, Pennsylvania, who took the text crown earlier this week in the LG National Text Messaging Championship in New York, is now in custody of the Office of Homeland Security after she sent a text message to President Bush’s personal cell phone last night which read, “XLNT. C U L8R. MOS.”

White House intelligence officers immediately intercepted the call, explaining that even the president’s phone is not immune to government eavesdropping, and attempted decipher the message. A team of leading U.S. cryptographers -- some of whom have decoded Egyptian Hieroglyphics -- were brought in within the hour to try to solve the mysterious message.

“We will be working round the clock to figure out the meaning of this enigmatic word puzzle, but I’ll be damned, we’re pretty stumped. We’ve never seen anything like it. We are hoping that it turns out to be nothing, but we can’t take any chances. Our national security is at stake,” said one cryptanalyst.

Pozgar's parents have maintained her innocence, claiming the text message was sent in error, after she mistakenly typed in the District of Columbia’s 202 area code instead of 412, and that the intended recipient was another teenage girl from Southwestern Pennsylvania, whom she befriended at the competition. According to Pozgar, she was confirming a planned sleepover this weekend at the girl’s Ben Avon home.

Pozgar, who is said to be comfortable and well-fed in an undisclosed location, is reportedly suffering from severe cell phone withdrawal and guards say she has been begging them to allow her “just a few hits” on the keyboard. Pozgar had previously boasted of sending about 8,000 text messages per month to friends and relatives.

“These echo boomers. They can’t go ten minutes without some kind of fancy techno-gadget,” said internationally renowned sociologist Margaret Snead. “What are they going to do when the whole system goes 'kaboom!'? That’s what's got my granny pants in a bunch. We are going to have our work cut out for us, I have no doubt about that."

According to the latest Internet reports, the terror alert level still remains at "YLO."

SEE THE SPECIAL REPORT ON PITTSBURGH'S POPULATION DECLINE

FIRST PICTURES: PURGE OF LEFTOVERS FROM O'CONNOR ADMINISTRATION SKRINJAR, DOBKIN, AND CASSIDY

PIRATES TO HOLD SPECIAL TRIPLE-BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT TO HONOR THREE DEMOTED CITY OFFICIALS

BREAKING NEWS:

PITTSBURGH'S POPULATION DECLINE: CLICK HERE FOR AN EXCLUSIVE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL VIDEO REPORT

WATER AUTHORITY FORGIVES PITTSBURGH BREWING OF $1 MILLION DEBT, 'BUT CAN NEVER FORGIVE IT FOR THE QUALITY OF THAT BEER'

PITTSBURGH ZOO'S RESIDENT ELEPHANTS LABEL THREE NEW PACHYDERMS FROM PHILADELPHIA 'THUGS' AND 'CRANKS'

STEEL CITY ELEPHANTS SAY PHILLY TRANSPLANTS THREW BATTERIES AT THEM, BOOED SANTA CLAUS

OSAMA BIN LADEN ACCEPTS INVITATION TO BE A PRESENTER AT THE DAY-TIME EMMY AWARDS

AL-QAEDA LEADER SAYS HE’S “LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING CAST OF GUIDING LIGHT”

PITTSBURGH'S FIRST TORNADO WATCH OF SEASON A BUST, BUT WEATHERMAN DON SCHWENNEKER 'ELATED' WHEN FARM HOUSE FALLS ON WICKED WITCH

'PLACES RATED ALMANAC' SNAGS FIRST SALE IN TRI-STATE AREA SINCE 1985

ATTORNEY'S EIGHT-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GIVES "LOUSY" CLOSING ARGUMENT, LOSES PRODUCTS LIABILITY CASE FOR DAD ON "BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY"

PITTSBURGH - Local attorney Al Friedman said his eight-year old daughter Hannah is "solely responsible" for losing a major products liability case that Al was trying in an Allegheny County courtroom last Thursday, "Bring Your Child to Work Day."

"Her closing argument to the jury was just awful," said a furious Al. "The whole case rested on a spoliation defense, and Hannah couldn't even pronounce the word. The jurors were tittering at her. Tittering!"

When the little girl finished her seven minute closing, which included handstands and hopping around on one foot, Judge Michael Musmanno pulled her aside. Mistaking her for an associate with her father's law firm, Musmanno offered friendly advice in a stage whisper: "It's not too late for you to go to medical school, you know."

The jury deliberated for just ten minutes and returned with a $4 million verdict against Friedman's client, Peerless Can Opener Company. Afterward, Judge Musmanno allowed the attorneys to interview the jurors, who unanimously attributed their verdict to Hannah's closing argument. Juror Sean Cannon of Shaler was typical: "I was in your corner until the very end, dude, but the little girl -- I mean, wow! She really stunk up the joint."

In retrospect, Al said it might have been a mistake giving Hannah so much responsibility so soon. "But it's good she got this one under her belt," he mused. "After all, next year she'll be nine, and who knows? She might be ready for an antitrust case."

YELTSIN LIES IN STATE AT STOLICHNAYA DISTILLERY

“IT’S NOT LIKE HE HASN’T BEEN ON HIS BACK IN HERE BEFORE” SAYS GRIEVING HEAD OF VODKA FACTORY

UN NAMES WORLD'S MOST WAR-TORN AREAS: IRAQ, THE SUDAN, AND THE ALEC BALDWIN HOUSEHOLD IN NEW YORK