MOONDA POINTS TO GRASSY KNOLL

AKRON, Ohio - Donna Moonda's defense team concedes that "overwhelming evidence" shows she conspired with her paramour Damian Bradford to murder her husband, Dr. Gulam Moonda. Nevertheless, they claim that Dr. Moonda was actually killed by an unidentified gunman with no connection to the conspiracy who fired a shot from a nearby grassy knoll. While prosecutors say that the shots could only have come from Bradford's gun, Moonda's attorneys contend that the gunman on the grassy knoll fired a "magic bullet" that traveled across traffic, directly alongside Bradford's gun, struck Dr.Moonda and landed in the back seat of the Moonda's car where it was found in pristine condition.

Moonda's defense team scoffs at Bradford's confession, in which he stated: "I shot him, nobody else, just me. From about four feet away, I couldn't miss. And by the way, it was her idea." Moonda's lawyers say that Bradford could not have seen the gunman because the shooter was directly behind him. They also note that the bullet is "magic," rendering it impossible for Bradford to detect. Her attorneys cite "Fair Play For Cuba" leaflets found on the grassy knoll as well as a damaged fence as evidence of the gunman's existence.

Moonda smiled as her team presented their defense. At one point she asked the judge, "Can I go now?" The judge reminded her that there were still "some procedural matters, deliberation, verdict, really just details" that had to be attended to before he could allow her departure.

FURIOUS SHIRLEY JONES FIRES MANAGER REUBEN KINCAID FOR BOOKING HER TO PLAY AUNT INSTEAD OF YOUNG HEROINE IN CLO'S 'OKLAHOMA'

PIRATES SIGN CADAVER FROM CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER EXHIBITION

"JUST FROM THE LOOK OF HIM, WE CAN TELL HE HAS GREAT SPEED," SAID DAVE LITTLEFIELD, "AND HE'S IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ANYONE ON THE ROSTER. BEST OF ALL, WHEN WE MADE OUR OFFER, HE DIDN'T MAKE A COUNTER-DEMAND."

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY TODAY . . .

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BIG CROWDS DRAWN TO NORTH SHORE TO SEE CADAVERS

. . . NOT THE EXHIBIT AT THE SCIENCE CENTER, BUT THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES

RESIGNING CITY DEPARTMENT HEADS LAND JOBS AT SCIENCE CENTER CADAVER SHOW

GUY COSTA: "IT IS A BIT DEGRADING TO BE STANDING AROUND NAKED ALL DAY, BUT MAYBE AT LAST PEOPLE WILL SEE THE HUGE CONTRIBUTION I'VE BROUGHT TO THE CITY ALL THESE YEARS."

RODIN STATUE VANDALIZED, REVEALS BUFF MODEL

PARIS - Vandals in Paris who tossed acid on The Thinker this week unwittingly revealed one of the art world's most closely guarded secrets: Rodin didn't sculpt the famous work of art, he simply poured bronze over a live male model, possibly his longtime studio "assistant," Phillipe.

"Rodin may have just been in a hurry, or perhaps this was just a little prank," said art historian Jean LaBouche of the Musee Rodin. "But the fact of the matter is, Rodin was a murderer," he chuckled.

O.J. SIMPSON SAYS HE'LL DEDICATE LIFE TO HELPING MOTHERS OF FIVE FIRE VICTIMS FIND THE GUILTY BABY SITTER

DESPERATE JIM ECKER MAKES PUBLIC APPEAL FOR COMMISSION OF HORRIFIC CRIME

“I HAVEN’T BEEN ON TELEVISION IN OVER A WEEK,” COMPLAINS FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY

PITTSBURGH - A somber Jim Ecker met with reporters in his downtown office this morning to ask for assistance in maintaining a high public profile. “It’s been over one week, and no one has had the decency to commit a barbaric act against a helpless member of our community,” lamented Ecker. “I’m starting to get nervous. Do you realize how much it costs to spend fourteen hours a day in a tanning salon?”

Mr. Ecker said something needed to be done, and soon. “If there are any sociopaths out there contemplating a murderous spree, don’t put it off any longer. Do it today.” The well-known attorney was asked what it would take to get him back on the evening news. “Best case scenario, an illegal immigrant mows down a group of elderly VFW members on their way into Jerome Bettis’s restaurant. That would infuriate the maximum amount of people, and keep my face on screen for days.” Asked if he wanted the illegal immigrant to slaughter a litter of puppies and kittens before being apprehended by police, Ecker’s eyes lit up. “I hadn’t thought of that,” he said, leaning forward in his chair. “That’s a nice touch!”

While the horrific act requested hasn’t yet been committed, one thing remains certain. “My client will be extremely remorseful,” said Ecker. “And innocent of all charges.”

Editor's note: Mr. Ecker was retained to represent one of the Larimer mothers whose children died in a fire after being left alone.

VATICAN ADDS AN ELEVENTH "DRIVING COMMANDMENT" FOR DIOCESE OF PITTSBURGH

XI: Thou shalt maintain speed while traveling through tunnels

JAPAN CHANGES NAME OF IWO JIMA TO "THE ISLAND WE NO LONGER TALK ABOUT"

SOLZHENITSYN TO WED AUNT PENNY, LEGENDARY SOVIET DISSIDENT WILL DO COMMERCIAL WORK FOR KENNY ROSS CHEVROLET

MOSCOW - Alexander Solzhenitsyn, legendary Soviet dissident and Nobel Prize winning author, wed Aunt Penny, legendary spokesperson for a popular Pittsburgh automobile dealership, in the Cathedral of the Czars yesterday. It is the second marriage for both.

Mr. Solzhenitsyn’s marriage to his first wife, Miss Vicki, ended when the couple divorced in 1975. Aunt Penny’s first husband, notorious bank robber John Dillinger, was killed by Federal agents outside of the Biograph Theater in Chicago in 1934.

Solzhenitsyn, known for his gruff demeanor with reporters, was effusive when addressing the media on the Cathedral steps following the ceremony. “If not for the steady supply of Penny’s delicious homemade elderberry preserves that I received during my time in the camps, I would have never survived,” he said. “In a sense, then, I suppose this dear woman should receive credit for the dissolution of the Soviet empire.”

Aunt Penny stood at her new husband’s side, smiling. “I can’t wait until Alex meets my nephew Kenny,” she said. “I know he didn’t get a fair deal from those Commies, but he’ll always get a fair deal from Kenny, and you will, too!” Following a honeymoon in Tijuana, the couple plan to reside in Upper St. Clair .

U.S. ATTORNEY MARY BETH BUCHANAN FLEES TO ISRAEL

FLIGHT CALLED "SURPRISING" IN LIGHT OF BUCHANAN'S STATEMENT THAT DR. CYRIL WECHT WAS "FLIGHT RISK TO ISRAEL"

ROONEYS DEMAND EVERYONE OUT OF THE NORTH SIDE BY MIDNIGHT

Steelers owners annex entire area from observatory hill to the north shore

PITTSBURGH - A flood of refugees streamed across the bridges spanning the Allegheny and Ohio Rivers today after the Rooney Family announced it is taking over the entire North Side with a midnight deadline for businesses and individuals to get out.

Steelers patriarch Dan Rooney explained that the Rooney family "was left no choice" because the family's complaints have gone unheeded regarding the traffic congestion they claim will be generated by the proposed Majestic Start casino. “Look, the politicians forced our hand. We need breathing room. So everybody out!”

Rooney saved his most scathing remarks for the mayor. “Do you know who I am? I’m Dan Rooney! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!”

A spokesman for the Rooney family said there has been no decision as to whether their newly acquired property will be organized as a city, a state or a kingdom.

PIRATES SIGN THREE PARTICIPANTS FROM SUNDAY'S EPILEPSY FOUNDATION FAMILY FUN RUN

JOE GRUSHECKY JOINED BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WHILE IRONING SHIRTS

Presidential advisor Karl Rove looks on in disbelief as President Bush cozies up to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi during the Congressional Picnic on Tuesday.

RAVENSTAHL INVITED SELF TO SEE TIGER -- AND TIGER'S WIFE: BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE MAYOR

TIGER FINISHES IN SECOND PLACE FOR SECOND TIME THIS WEEK

COWHER MEETS MR. ROONEY IN GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE, KISSES HIM, JANGLES 30 SILVER PIECES, THEN TALKS TO CLEVELAND ABOUT HEAD COACH'S POSITION

Presidential Candidate Tom Tancredo Criticized for Hunting Mexicans from Air

Republican presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., was criticized by both human rights and sportsmen’s groups today for sponsoring an airborne hunt of suspected Mexican immigrants along the Arizona border.

“This is a despicable act unworthy of a free society and allows his quarry no cover, depriving this so-called ‘hunt’ of any true sporting quality,” said a joint statement by Amnesty International and the Alliance of Southwest Rod and Gun Clubs.

Tancredo, a longstanding opponent of unfettered immigration and an avid hunter, took a party of four other members of the congressional immigration caucus aboard a twin-engine airplane from which they bore down on flocks of Mexicans along the border.

“I was able to bag an older male leading a group of females just north of the border. He dove for the bush and, despite what these critics say, it’s hard to hold the scope steady at that distance. It must have taken four shots before I caught him in the leg,” Tancredo said.

Another congressman along for the hunt complained that a combination of record high temperatures and increased patrols by the Department of Homeland Security had driven the game too far south for a legal hunt.

“Frankly, development had put such a stress on the native Mexican population that we might consider a moratorium to allow the herd to repopulate before trying this again,” the congressman said, speaking on condition of anonymity until Arizona’s homicide statutes are clarified.

The hunt triggered anger by human rights advocates, who called it inhumane, and hunting organizations who have long been divided over airborne hunting ever since the Eskimo population was destroyed by a congressional hunting trip in the Aleutian Islands three decades ago.

“Can you imagine the horror of a destitute family crossing a border only to be fired on from above, then watching as the slain are field cleaned and their pelts taken?” the joint statement reads. “We have no reason to believe that Mr. Tancredo will keep his word that he is only going to take enough to resupply his freezer.”

Tancredo rejected the criticism, saying he always eats his kill and that sound immigration and land management practices both dictate that the herd of Mexicans fleeing poverty for low-wage jobs must be thinned.

“They’d probably just starve to death in the winter,” he said.

Bloomberg Bolts GOP

NEW YORK - New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday officially switched his party status from Republican to Loose Cannon, a move that should bolster his chances for an anticipated independent presidential bid. Bloomberg held an impromptu news conference at noon today where it was expected he would announce his candidacy for President. Instead he appeared with veteran actor Ray Walston "to dispel rumors that we are the same person."

Analysts say that Bloomberg lacks the paranoia that attracted voters to Ross Perot and the personality void that fueled Ralph Nader's recent campaigns. However, experts predict the major party candidates will easily pick up the slack in the 'social dysfunction scale' during the 2008 race.

Bloomberg explained that his decision to switch parties was influenced by the fact that he was the last Republican in New York City.

HIGHLIGHT OF GEORGE BENSON-AL JARREAU CONCERT: O DANNY BOY

“Jazz has run its course – we’re givin’ it up.” -- Pittsburgh native George Benson after last night’s concert at Heinz Hall (Editor’s note: Givin It Up is the name of the CD Benson recorded with Jarreau.)

Tiger's Wife Gives Birth. Baby Sam Has 7:15 Tee Time

Just one day after his failed attempt to win the U. S Open, the wife of golfer Tiger Woods gave birth to the couple's first child, Sam Alexis Woods. Both mother Elin, and the bouncing baby girl, are said to be doing fine.

Tomorrow the baby will start a training regimen that Tiger developed which includes 18 holes at his home course of Isleworth in Florida.

The baby's pediatrician Dr. Lawrence Fine explained: "Tiger doesn't intend to make the same mistakes his father Earl made with him. He feels that his own formative years, between 0-2, were wasted, and he wants to make sure his daughter doesn't lose that valuable time developing her swing."

AND NOW, OUR U.S. OPEN ROUND-UP

Angel Cabrera celebrates his US Open victory while Jim Furyk reacts to finishing as the runner-up for the second consecutive year.

OAKMONT CONFIRMS IT RELEASED BEAR IN FINAL ROUND OF U.S. OPEN TO MAKE COURSE EVEN TOUGHER

CLUB OFFICIALS SAY IT EITHER HAD TO BE THE BEAR OR T.B. PATIENT ANDREW SPEAKER

TIGER MISSES PUTT, LOSES OPEN, BLAMES MAYOR

"It was that damn kid again," a distraught Woods explained. "He followed me to every hole, and he wouldn't shut up. 'I love you, Tiger!' 'I'm your number one fan, Tiger!' 'Tell everyone you invited me to that American Express event, Tiger!' If I ever see him again, I'm gonna put a ball in his hole, I promise you that."

ABSENCE OF DIVERSITY AT OAKMONT A BLESSING TO BLACKS, HISPANICS SPARED THE HEAT DURING U.S. OPEN LAST WEEK

EDITORIAL BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - An astute KDKA talk show host last week referred to the U.S. Open as an event for "rich white guys." I can attest to the accuracy of this assertion because I heard Durham County, North Carolina District Attorney Mike Nifong say the same thing.

I normally decry the absence of diversity in any organization. It is well known that in the 1960's, I marched in protest in Tuscaloosa, Alabama against the Ku Klux Klan's policy of excluding blacks from their organization. The result was a rule change that opened the doors to persons of color. To this day I am regarded as the Branch Rickey of the KKK.

In this case, however, blacks and Hispanics should be on their hands and knees thanking the "rich white guys" at Oakmont for insuring they were largely excluded from the U.S. Open last week, and you heard it here first. You see, earlier this year, Oakmont's Council of Bishops, or whatever their governing tribunal is called, decided to remove thousands of trees that formerly lined the fairways, transmogrifying a pleasant golf course into a cauldron that could smelt iron ore on a hot summer day.

Can anyone seriously maintain that we should subject blacks to heat reminiscent of the Georgia cotton fields of the 1850's? Or force Hispanics to experience once again the searing Latin temperatures from which they have illegally fled? The question scarcely survives its statement. This is one time when diversity would be a terrible, terrible thing. I have the sunburn to prove it.

GORE WINS, LOSES U.S. OPEN

PITTSBURGH -- After playing the round of his life and clinching an apparent victory in the US Open, former vice president Al Gore again had victory snatched from his grasp. While Gore and his caddy celebrated in the clubhouse the USGA conducted an unprecedented recount, administrated by eventual winner Angel Cabrera's brother, Desi.

The hotly contested recount found Cabrera was the winner by one stroke because a score was entered incorrectly on the peculiar butterfly scorecard used at Oakmont.

TIGER WOODS ADMITS 'BENDER' MIGHT HAVE HURT HIS OPEN CHANCES

PITTSBURGH - Tiger Woods revealed that he and Jim Furyk "got totally wasted" on Saturday night and that there was "no way either of them were going to win on Sunday."

"I was puking my guts out on the practice green," Woods explained. "My caddy had to point me to the first tee."

Woods said that he and hometown favorite Furyk visited "a bunch of yinzer bars" after the third round, and finally ended up at Primantis in Harmarville just minutes from the famed Oakmont Country Club.

THE SMOKE BALL'S INFLUENCE CONTINUES TO GROW

We are Pennsylvania's sixth most influential political blog, according to this: click here. (We're glad somebody has figured out exactly what we are -- we didn't know ourselves.)

TIGER WOODS DISGRACES AMERICA, LOSES U.S. OPEN TO FOREIGNER

CABRERA WINS U.S. OPEN, NINTH INNING HIT SENDS SID BREAM HOME AHEAD OF BARRY BONDS' LIMP THROW

OAKMONT GOLF COURSE DESTROYED BY POST-US OPEN FIREWORKS DISPLAY

“I wasn’t surprised how fast it went up. It was dry – we didn’t get our usual twenty inches of rain this weekend.” -- Firefighter Bradleys Roadhouse

THE TEAM THAT UNEARTHED 1957 PLYMOUTH ANNOUNCES NEXT PROJECT

NEXT RELIC FROM THE '50'S TO BE UNEARTHED: MAMIE EISENHOWER

CROSBY WINS MVP AWARD, SINGS 'WHITE CHRISTMAS'

PRESIDENT BUSH CONGRATULATES EVGENI MALKIN FOR BEING NAMED 'ROOSKIE OF THE YEAR'

BRENTWOOD COUNCIL PRESIDENT MARY DYTKO ARRESTED FOR FRAUD, CHARGES PRISON UNIFORM USING BOROUGH CREDIT CARD

“Someone’s got to wrestle that card away from her, and I’m just the man to do it.” -- Brentwood Mayor Ken Lockhart

TOMLIN TO FOLLOW UP TEAM “HAT DAY” WITH “WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR DAY”

Hines Ward asked for Hat Day, but “I had absolutely nothing to do with the underwear thing,” he says

PITTSBURGH --- Steelers coach Mike Tomlin surprised fans and players alike by announcing that the first day of training camp will be Women’s Underwear Day for the team. The sequence of events leading to the decision began when receiver Hines Ward asked that a few sessions of spring minicamp be conducted without helmets. That led to the creation of Hat Day.

“Everyone was just supposed to wear baseball caps, but some free agent wore some kind of an Easter bonnet,” Ward said. “I guess he wanted to be noticed by the coaches. Unfortunately, that gave Mike the underwear idea.” Ward said that several lineman “pounded on” the unnamed free agent, and “I don’t think he’ll be making the roster.”

Post-Gazette fashion editor Lamont Jones has advice for the players. “La Perla is a very popular, quality lingerie line with women, but I don’t think most of the Steelers will be able to fit in it,” he said. “Maybe the kickers. Everyone else should probably check out Cacique,” the plus-sized line from Lane Bryant.

Black and gold are obvious choices for the Steelers, Jones said. “But players should consider some colors that would compliment their skin tones. Light shades of green are really big right now. And I can’t emphasize enough that the players should take advantage of the in-store fit experts when they are making their selections. Really, coverage and support will be critical.”

Hines Ward said he is trying to understand and accept Tomlin’s decision. “A lot of guys are griping. I know he wants to build team unity, and I guess he is trying to build unity through adversity. We all miss coach Cowher, but you have to move on, even if it means wearing strange underwear.” Ward said he has an outfit in mind, but declined to describe it to reporters.

Fashion editor Jones thinks the players should discuss their choices among themselves. “The worst thing that could happen is having two players show up in the same look,” he said. “You don’t want to get into a ‘who wore it best’ competition. It’s bad enough they have to do this --- I’m sure none of them wants to come out on the short end of a fashion poll.”

MAYOR INVITES SELF TO PLAY U.S. OPEN, FINISHES THIRD

THUNDERBIRDS STAGE SPECTACULAR SHOW!

PITTSBURGH - In a move reminiscent of sports teams wearing "throwback" uniforms, the Army's precision flying team, the Thunderbirds, thrilled spectators last weekend at Pittsburgh's Airport by flying four 1962 vintage Ford Thunderbirds in tight formation.

Pilot Randy Codwell said he and his men have been practicing hard. "Well, getting 'em off the ground is your first challenge, but once they're airborne they fly like A dream. We're really gonna put 'em through their paces this weekend and the fans are gonna see a great show!"

Codwell also raved about the T-Birds amenities. "These babies are just amazing. You've got your ash trays in each armrest, white walls, nice spongy coil springs and Turbohydromatic drive!" Best of all, he added, "The trade-in value is just great!"

MAYOR ASKS LAWN CUTTER TO SUBMIT RESIGNATION

SIXTEEN-YEAR OLD NOAH SWAYNE IS OUT

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl yesterday asked for a resignation letter from his sixteen-year-old grass cutter Noah Swayne in an effort to re-evaluate his performance.

In a statement, the mayor said he was "not satisfied with the condition of my front lawn" and will conduct a nationwide search for the best candidate to assume the duties. Swayne is being asked to apply.

Swayne was a holdover from the O'Connor administration. He cut then-Mayor O'Connor's grass from April 2006 until O'Connor's death in September 2006.

Mayor Ravenstahl reportedly will ask for similar letters of resignation from his dentist, auto mechanic and barber.

RAVENSTAHL UNHAPPY WITH PENGUINS' EARLY PLAYOFF EXIT, DEMANDS CROSBY RESIGN HIS CAPTAINCY

"I know he's the current NHL MVP," the Mayor told reporters, "but I didn't appoint him. And I'm not even sure he's the right person for the job. He seems awfully young and inexperienced to me."

CROSBY RESIGNS PENS PER MAYOR'S REQUEST, PICKED UP BY STEELERS

MAYOR ASKS FOR RESIGNATIONS FROM ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS

Withdraws request after directors pin him to ground and shoot spit balls at his head

MAYOR'S INITIATIVE IN MEETING TIGER WOODS INSPIRES NEW RAPE DEFENSE

"SHE NEVER SAID I COULDN'T GO IN, SO I JUST WENT AHEAD -- I SHOULD BE CREDITED FOR FULFILLING MY LIFE-LONG DREAM OF HAVING SEX WITH THIS WOMAN. IT SHOWS HOW GUNG-HO I AM."

MAYOR’S LOUSY WEEK BEGINS WITH ‘PARTY CRASHING’ SCANDAL – ENDS WITH RECALL OF HIS FAVORITE TOY