"SHOP A WHILE, MOURN IN STYLE," SAYS DEPARTMENT STORE
LIZ CLAIBORNE IS DEAD: MACY'S RUNNING "SIX FEET UNDER" SALE THROUGH THURSDAY
"SHOP A WHILE, MOURN IN STYLE," SAYS DEPARTMENT STORE
UPMC PIONEERS ‘PIPE’ THERAPY FOR BROKEN LEG, BALDNESS
Side effects include contemplation, intellectualism.
CHENEY RESIGNS FROM EXECUTIVE BRANCH
WASHINGTON DC - Vice President Cheney has informed Congress of his resignation from the Executive branch of the United States and that he has formed a new branch to consolidate his power and influence which he calls "Giagantor." Vice Presidential spokeswoman Lee Ann McBride explained the powers of Giagantor:
- To oversee and control the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government.
- To correct any flaws it discovers in the Constitution.
- To create legislation and policy that applies to everyone in the country except Giagantor.
- To manipulate commodity prices and perhaps the weather.
- To arrange no-bid contracts for Gigantor's "peeps."
- To destroy cities.
- To correct any flaws it discovers in the Constitution.
- To create legislation and policy that applies to everyone in the country except Giagantor.
- To manipulate commodity prices and perhaps the weather.
- To arrange no-bid contracts for Gigantor's "peeps."
- To destroy cities.
Congress is expected to quickly challenge what Senator Edward Kennedy called "this extra-Constitutional re-arranging of the governmental deck chairs." Several Senators said Congress could deny finding to the Vice President's office or even impeach him. McBride laughed at this suggestion. "Congress has no power over Giagantor, the courts have no power over Giagantor. He is Giagantor."
Noted constitutional scholar Prof. Horace Fibula of the Harding School of Government commented on Cheney's position: "Whoa, that's really f*cked up."
Noted constitutional scholar Prof. Horace Fibula of the Harding School of Government commented on Cheney's position: "Whoa, that's really f*cked up."
Drive-Through Rage Assailant Charged, Promoted On Force
Duane L. Williams, the 46-year-old Penn Hills man accused of punching a 19-year-old woman he accused of treating him rudely at the drive-through at a local Wendy's faces charges of simple assault, harassment, disorderly conduct and promotion to sergeant on the Pittsburgh Police Force."Mr. Williams punched a woman. That is unacceptable. We think he shows the kind of leadership this force needs," said Chief Nate Harper.
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl called Williams's action, "the very kind of random violence we hope he, in his new post on the force, will be able to curtail. Mr. Williams has the kind of go-get-em initiative we are looking for. I don't want him anywhere near my sister."
Advocates for women stormed a city council hearing this week, objecting to the promotion of three other officers who had been accused of domestic violence. Carla Hooligan, a spokeswomanperson for the group, said the Williams case might be different from the others.
"Mr. Williams is accused of socking this woman, who was a perfect stranger, for not telling him 'thank you, have a nice day,'" Ms. Hooligan said. "The other officers are accused of attacking women they knew and, in every instance, these women had told the officers to have a nice day."
WPXI COMMISSIONS HUEY MILITARY COPTER TO COVER BLACKED-OUT PIRATES WALKOUT, REPORTER DEE THOMPSON TO DESCEND FROM AIRCRAFT FOR LIVE COVERAGE
PICTURED: THOMPSON TAKES A PRACTICE RUN WEDNESDAY NIGHT OVER TELEVISION HILL
PIRATES BROADCASTERS ORDERED TO PANTOMIME THIRD INNING OF SATURDAY NIGHT’S GAME
NUTTING INSTALLS TEMPORARY RESTRAINING DEVICE ON ALL SEATS AT PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates have ordered their announcers to describe the entire third inning of Saturday night’s home game against the Washington Nationals by pantomime.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO DO IT, BUT I WILL,” said play-by-play man Greg Brown. “I’VE HEARD THEY WANT TO COVER MY MOUTH WITH DUCT TAPE TO MAKE SURE I DON’T SLIP, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT WILL BE NECESSARY.”
Color man Bob Walk, who is being feted with his own “bobble-head” night, didn’t think fulfilling the club’s directive was going to be a problem. “I spend most of my time in the booth shaking my head, clenching my fist, gritting my teeth, or waving my hands in disgust at what I’m observing, so I’ve had some practice.”
In other Pirate news, principal owner Bob Nutting Jr. also instructed employees of PNC Par k to install a temporary restraining device on every seat. A spokesman for Mr. Nutting, A. Flack, denied the moves were made in response to the much-discussed fan boycott scheduled for this Saturday night. “Mr. Nutting has decided he’s going to deposit bags filled with poisonous vipers and a Bengal tiger or two in the concourse at the conclusion of the second inning Saturday,” said Flack. “I suppose you’re going to say that’s in response to the boycott, too.”
BUCS DEVISE WAY TO KEEP FANS FROM WALKING OUT SATURDAY. . .
DAVE PARKER WILL TAKE THE FIELD AT THE END OF THE THIRD INNING, AND EACH FAN WILL BE GIVEN A PACK OF BATTERIES TO HURL AT HIM
ALASKA OBTAINS PFA AGAINST LOCAL MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING STATE
JUNEAU – For the first time, a state has obtained a Protection from Abuse Order against someone who is stalking it. A court in Alaska entered the order yesterday against Oakmont, Pennsylvania resident Ryan Camuso, whose name is being withheld in accordance with the policy of this news source. Camuso is producer of the popular Morning Show on WDVE-FM.“We had to do something about this lunatic,” explained Alaska Governor Bill “King Salmon” Ambrose, “He was stalking us, harassing us – it was getting scary. We weren’t sure what he’d pull next.”
A source who attended the state’s closed-door hearing said Camuso was “out of control, always wearing Alaska t-shirts and hats, hounding complete strangers to visit the state, claiming he’s the Alaskan ambassador, you know, nutty stuff that people in Pennsylvania just don't do.”
The breaking point came last week when Pittsburgh police were called to a local AAA office because Camuso leaped over the customer service counter after being advised the office was temporarily out of Alaska maps. Witnesses say Camuso shook a customer representative by the neck and screamed at the top of his lungs, “I want that map!” A search of Camuso’s car revealed a pie dish containing baked Alaska lying atop a fully loaded pistol. Hundreds of Alaska maps and brochures were strewn about the front seat. A shaken Governor Ambrose said news of Camuso’s breakdown “sent a shiver from Kodiak to Prudhoe Bay – and I mean a shiver beyond the usual ones we get up here.”
Under the court order, Camuso cannot say the word “Alaska,” much less visit the state, for ten years. Trips to Canada are also out. “Too close for comfort,” the Governor explained.
The state is also making an attempt to rehabilitate Camuso by requiring him to vacation on a Caribbean island of his own choosing at least annually. Camuso’s wife, Lynsie, drafted the order.
NEWS OF SPORTS AND DRUGS . . .
- DOCK ELLIS TO SELL MEMORABILIA BASEBALLS THAT SAY: "I THREW A NO HITTER ON LSD."
- FEDERER WINS 50th STRAIGHT MATCH ON GRASS
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE RUDY GIULIANI TO REPLACE TAKERU KOBAYASHI AT CONEY ISLAND THIS YEAR
DURING VISIT TO PITTSBURGH YESTERDAY, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR CONTINUES ARDUOUS TASK OF "STOMACH STRETCHING" IN PREPARATION FOR NATHAN'S FAMOUS JULY 4 INTERNATIONAL HOT DOG EATING CONTEST; SEATED OPPOSITE (NOT SHOWN) IS HIS COACH, PENNSYLVANIA GOVERNOR ED RENDELL
HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM LARRY KING'S INTERVIEW OF PARIS HILTON
LARRY: Phoenix, go ahead, what's your question?
. . . .
LARRY: Des Moines, what's your question?
. . . .
LARRY: Boston, go ahead.
. . . .
[Paris revealed the previously undisclosed illness that Sheriff Baca claimed warranted her early release from jail]
PARIS HILTON: Larry, I am allergic to jail cells.
. . . .
LARRY: Santa Fe, go ahead.
. . . .
[Paris reveals what she wrote while she was in jail]
PARIS HILTON: (Reading) "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. . . ."
. . . .
LARRY: New Orleans, go ahead.
JIM ECKER FLIES TO BAGHDAD; FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY TO ASSUME REPRESENTATION OF “CHEMICAL ALI” ON APPEAL
BAGHDAD - Noted Pittsburgh defense attorney Jim Ecker arrived in Baghdad this morning to meet with his new client, “Chemical Ali.” Mr. Ecker told reporters at a hastily arranged news conference in the heavily fortified Green Zone that Mr. Ali was “extremely remorseful” for the things he is accused of doing, “despite the fact that he didn’t do any of those things.” Mr. Ecker said he was looking forward to the opportunity of being filmed walking up the steps of the Baghdad courthouse.
“You know, I’ve got film of me walking into some great courthouses. As a matter of fact, I just transferred the footage of me walking into the Hague with Milosevic from vhs to dvd last week,” said Ecker.
Mr. Ali, whose real name is Ali Hassan al-Majid, asked the Iraqi High Tribunal to appoint Mr. Ecker in a motion filed after the verdict was read Monday. Through an interpreter, Mr. al-Majid said he couldn’t turn on a television without seeing Mr. Ecker, so he figured he was the right man to handle his appeal. Mr. al-Majid was convicted of ordering Iraqi security forces to use chemical weapons to kill over one-hundred and eighty thousand Kurds. Mr. Ecker said accusations of genocide against his client were the result of a simple misunderstanding. “I’m sure when the Iraqi Court of Appeals hears our side of the story, Al will be completely exonerated.”
EX-MIDDLE SCHOOL SECURITY GUARD SENTENCED FOR HOLDING JIMMY HOFFA HOSTAGE IN McKEESPORT
PITTSBURGH - Ex-middle school security guard Thomas Hose was sentenced today to a term of five to 15 years for kidnapping and holding hostage former Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa from July 30, 1975 until February of last year. Hoffa was finally released from his captivity when he walked into a McKeesport convenience store, JJ's Deli Mart, and asked the owner to help him.At Hose's sentencing hearing, Hoffa and AFL-CIO President John Sweeney testified. Sweeney pronounced himself “ecstatic” that “we’ve got our Jimmy back.” In Hoffa's emotional testimony, he claimed he was brainwashed by Mr. Hose, a svengali-like figure who lived with his elderly parents. “Every time I said I thought I should be getting back to the office, he told me I was crazy. He told me they weren’t even looking for me anymore, and that nobody loved me except him. And former President Nixon, of course,” said Hoffa, before bursting into tears and excusing himself.
Mr. Hose was also sentenced for keeping twenty-four year old Tanya Kach in an upstairs bedroom for ten years, but Mr. Hoffa testified he never saw her. Hoffa testified that "I had my own problems." For example, he explained, "many times when Mr. Hose’s mother did the wash, I had to stand still for hours while she hung her unmentionables on my arms to dry.”
Sweeney testified that the very mention of Mr. Hose’s name can trigger mood swings in Hoffa. “One minute he’s plotting to return to power, the next minute he’s sobbing uncontrollably.”
In related news, police refused to confirm reports that they have uncovered evidence showing that famed aviator Amelia Earhart also was a prisoner in the Hose home for a time before her death several years ago.
PARIS HILTON, ROSIE O'DONNELL NIX MODELING GIGS FOR PLAYBOY
HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton told Larry King she will not pose for Playboy out of consideration for the young girls who have made her a role model. Rosie O’Donnell’s publicist rejected a similar offer and said the outspoken talk show maven will not pose for Playboy out of consideration for Hugh Heffner’s heart condition.
TRANSCRIPTS RELEASED OF CHIEF NATE HARPER'S INTERVIEWS FOR COMMANDER POSITION
Chief Harper: "Don't worry, sir, all that Holocaust business, that was a lifetime ago -- that's over with. I'm going to evaluate your entire record."
TRINITY CATHEDRAL STOPS EXTERIOR RESTORATIONS MIDWAY THROUGH PROJECT
EPISCOPAL CHURCH REPORTS THAT NEW BLACK AND GOLD LOOK HAS ALREADY INCREASED DAILY SERVICE ATTENDANCE BY 40%. PARISHIONERS TO COMMISSION STUDY ON REPLACING SAINTS ON STAINED GLASS WINDOWS WITH FRANCO HARRIS IMAGE
WTAE WEATHER WATCH FOUR TO BEGIN WEEKLY VISITS TO CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES
PITTSBURGH - WTAE News Director Bob Longo announced that members of Weather Watch Four would begin making visits to correctional facilities around the area this summer until school resumes in the fall. WTAE meteorologist Stephen Cropper is scheduled to visit the State Correctional Institute in Fayette County this Friday. Mr. Cropper says he’s looking forward to the trip. “ I did a stretch in Folsom Prison a while back, so this is going to be like old times for me.” Mr. Cropper was convicted of criminal homicide after he shot a man in Reno , in his words, “just to watch him die.” His sentence was later commuted by Governor Gray Davis.
“I’ll have my maps, some charts, and of course, my shiv,” said Cropper. “I plan on talking about weather to the inmates in a way that they’ll find relevant.” Cropper said that included providing information on how barometric pressure may affect a person’s ability to dig a tunnel, or what type of front would produce the optimum amount of fog needed to make a successful escape. Following his visit to SCI Fayette, Cropper plans to make stops at SCI Albion, SCI Graterford, and the newly reopened Western Penitentiary on Pittsburgh ’s North Side. “It’s going to be a great summer,” said Cropper. “Hanging out with hardened criminals and vicious sociopaths, talking weather and having fun.”
MISSING PITT STUDENT FOUND IN NATIONAL PARK, REUNITED WITH ‘FAMILY’
“We don’t know who this guy is,” said a family member. “We’re hoping the police come back and take him away.”
STARBUCKS ANNOUNCES PLAN TO ELIMINATE LONG LINES, WAIT TIME
Express service to sell empty coffee cup for $2“This is great – I just enjoy spending the money and holding the cup.” -- Starbucks patron Marylyn Swayne
COWHER TOP CANDIDATE TO BECOME BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH
RALEIGH - While Bill Cowher was holding top-secret discussions with officials from the Washington Redskins, Carolina Panthers and Cleveland Browns, a parallel battle for his services has been brewing. Cowher's agent has been involved in secret talks with the Vatican concerning the vacant Bishop's position at the Diocese of Pittsburgh. The agent then met with the Presbyterian Church (USA) regarding its top Pittsburgh post. Cowher also is under consideration by the conservative Evangelical Presbyterian Church (EPC), which is a new league being formed by players from the mainstream Presbyterian league.
Cowher's infallibility is the main attraction for the Catholics, while the rival Presbyterian organizations just want to make each other look bad.
Speculation that Cowher is leaning toward the Archbishop position was fueled by his recent appearance on the Mother Angelica program. This has raised the hopes of local Catholics, including the Rooney family. However the Presbyterians have not finalized their offer and the Browns are betting that football, as well as the opportunity to point out to the Rooneys just how valuable his services are, will prove to be more alluring to the coach than eternal salvation.
Cowher's infallibility is the main attraction for the Catholics, while the rival Presbyterian organizations just want to make each other look bad.
Speculation that Cowher is leaning toward the Archbishop position was fueled by his recent appearance on the Mother Angelica program. This has raised the hopes of local Catholics, including the Rooney family. However the Presbyterians have not finalized their offer and the Browns are betting that football, as well as the opportunity to point out to the Rooneys just how valuable his services are, will prove to be more alluring to the coach than eternal salvation.
PIRATES JOIN NEWLY FORMED T-BALL LEAGUE
PITTSBURGH - Pirates CEO Bob Nutting announced that the Pirates will leave the National League and become one of the founding members of a new "Major League T-Ball Association." Nutting said the team "hopes to be competitive, at least in a couple of years."
PIRATES ACTIVATE WASDIN FROM DISABLED LIST, ANNOUNCE WASDIN BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT
“We’re a much better ball club with Wasdin on the mound.” -- Pirates General Manager Dave LittlefieldPirates fans react: “Great, another give-away!”
MAJORITY OF DUKE'S 'GANG OF 88' SUFFERING FROM ACUTE DEPRESSION SINCE LACROSSE PLAYERS' ACQUITTAL
"Then, the news that the Virginia Tech shooter was not a Caucasian male nearly sent them over the edge," said Duke President BroadheadDURHAM - Last night, for at least the tenth time Paula McClain dreamed she was presiding over the castration of the three former Duke University Lacrosse players who were declared innocent by North Carolina's attorney general last April of all charges stemming from an alleged rape of a black stripper.
"They're lying on their backs on slabs, and I'm bringing the [castrating] device down on one of them," McClain says. "I'm just at the point where I'm about to snip-snip, when I awaken. The euphoria of punishing these evildoers quickly vanishes and I realize it was just a dream. Then I slink back into a very, very dark place."
McClain is one of the so-called "Gang of 88" Duke professors who signed off on an ad in the Duke Chronicle last year that many have interpreted as condemning the accused players before the facts were adjudicated. Thereafter, the prosecution's case unraveled and the District Attorney, Mike Nifong, was disbarred for pursuing the charges without evidence.
Since the players' acquittal in April, fifty-nine of the "Gang of 88" have been hospitalized for varying forms of depression.
Professor McClain's case is illustrative. Duke President Richard Broadhead went to McClain's office early one morning last week and found her lying on a couch, unkempt and unshaven, with a revolver in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. Vomit was strewn about the floor.
"It's disheartening because [McClain] is one of the most popular professors on campus," Broadhead said. "I say that even though none of Duke's students are aware she is one of the most popular, aside from the eight who enrolled in her class last semester." Broadhead granted McClain a leave of absence to undergo intense electro-shock therapy for depression stemming from the acquittal, but he fears the only thing that will restore her to her pre-acquittal state is the election of Hillary Clinton as President.
Many of the other "88" have fared just as badly, and it didn't help that five days after the acquittal, Seung-Hui Cho went on a killing rampage at Virginia Tech. "When the '88' heard about [the Virginia Tech shootings], they anxiously awaited news that the shooter was a Caucasian male," said Broadhead. "One can only imagine how devastated they were when they learned he was Asian. They were already in a fragile state and, frankly, they didn't need that."
ZOO'S JACKSON THE ELEPHANT HIT WITH PATERNITY SUITS IN ORLANDO, INDIANAPOLIS AND LOUISVILLE
DNA tests confirm he is the father of three more elephants; chagrined zoo officials say they will talk to him about "being more responsible and always using protection, but you gotta admire how he gets around."
GREG BROWN BEGINS TO HYPERVENTILATE WHILE DESCRIBING BACKYARD BIRD ACTIVITY TO NEIGHBORS
PIRATES PHYSICIAN URGES BUCCO ANNOUNCER TO REDUCE SUGAR, CAFFEINE CONSUMPTIONPITTSBURGH - Pirates announcer Greg Brown was overwhelmed with emotion and suffered severe chest pains while describing a robin’s visit to his backyard feeder last weekend, neighbors said.
“A bunch of us were chatting in the cul-de-sac when we saw Greg running towards us,” said Mr. David Corbett. “He told us he had observed a robin descend from the branch of an oak tree, take a few seeds in his beak and return to the branch. Only he told us about it the way he usually tells us about everything. 'HERE COMES THE ROBIN -- SHE’S HEADING FOR THE FEEDER -- SHE’S GOT THE SEED AND NOW SHE’S HEADING BACK TOWARD THE NEST! SHE’S CHEWING THE SEED! -- AND NOW SHE’S REGURGITATING THE SEED AND PLACING IT INTO HER BABIES BEAKS! OH, MY! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!'”
Mr. Corbett said at that point Mr. Brown began frothing at the mouth, placed his hand over his sternum, and collapsed. He was taken to North Hills Passavant Hospital and released, after nurses complained that he refused to stop shouting at the top of his lungs when providing insurance information. Dr. Michael Loftus, team physician, said the ball club has asked Mr. Brown to reduce the amount of sugar and caffeine he consumes. “Greg is a pretty excitable guy anyway,” said Dr. Loftus. “He doesn’t need any help.”
MOONDA POINTS TO GRASSY KNOLL
AKRON, Ohio - Donna Moonda's defense team concedes that "overwhelming evidence" shows she conspired with her paramour Damian Bradford to murder her husband, Dr. Gulam Moonda. Nevertheless, they claim that Dr. Moonda was actually killed by an unidentified gunman with no connection to the conspiracy who fired a shot from a nearby grassy knoll. While prosecutors say that the shots could only have come from Bradford's gun, Moonda's attorneys contend that the gunman on the grassy knoll fired a "magic bullet" that traveled across traffic, directly alongside Bradford's gun, struck Dr.Moonda and landed in the back seat of the Moonda's car where it was found in pristine condition.
Moonda's defense team scoffs at Bradford's confession, in which he stated: "I shot him, nobody else, just me. From about four feet away, I couldn't miss. And by the way, it was her idea." Moonda's lawyers say that Bradford could not have seen the gunman because the shooter was directly behind him. They also note that the bullet is "magic," rendering it impossible for Bradford to detect. Her attorneys cite "Fair Play For Cuba" leaflets found on the grassy knoll as well as a damaged fence as evidence of the gunman's existence.
Moonda smiled as her team presented their defense. At one point she asked the judge, "Can I go now?" The judge reminded her that there were still "some procedural matters, deliberation, verdict, really just details" that had to be attended to before he could allow her departure.
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