BOY WHO STARTED WILDFIRES NOW BLAMED FOR SAN FRANCISCO OIL SPILL

SAN FRANCISCO - Federal investigators have traced the origin of San Francisco Bay's worst oil spill in nearly two decades to the same 10-year old boy who set off raging wildfires in southern California last month.

"This is one bad kid," said lead investigator, private eye Joseph Mannix.

Mannix said he also has video of the boy "fiddling with the tiles" on the Space Shuttle Columbia, which subsequently crashed in 2003, as well as evidence that "he wrote thousands of sub-prime mortgages."

Reaction to the news has been mixed with FEMA administrator Paulison urging that the boy be "grounded" indefinitely, while Vice President Cheney thinks he should be waterboarded "for the hell of it."

STEELERS BEAT BROWNS

LANNY FRATTARE HAS SURGERY TO TRANSFORM HIMSELF INTO BOB PRINCE

"HE'S CREEPING ME OUT," CRIES GREG BROWN

PITTSBURGH - Lanny Frattare has been a Pirates broadcaster longer than anyone in the team's history but insiders say he's never felt beloved. Frattare sought to change that as soon as the 2007 baseball season ended, so he checked himself into a clinic in Bavaria where he underwent radical plastic surgery.

"Let me be blunt," said Frattare's broadcast partner Greg Brown. "He came out looking like Bob Prince." Prince, the revered hall-of-fame Pirates broadcaster, is widely regarded as the most colorful sportscaster in the city's history.

Frattare asked to meet Brown for dinner at the Carlton. "Lanny told me he wants to be referred to as 'the old Gunner' from now on," Brown said. "He was wearing a loud sports jacket and he was even talking out of one side of his mouth, like Prince did. It really creeped me out," Brown confided to a reporter. "Lanny kept saying things like, 'Kiss it goodbye,' and 'Spread some chicken on the hill with Will.' Then he said he planned to publicly ridicule KDKA on the air, the way Prince used to. I thought that was kind of odd, given that KDKA no longer broadcasts our games. Then he pulled out a green weenie, believe it or not, and began shaking it in my face. I asked the waitress to call security."

Frattare denies he's trying to turn himself into Prince. "That's totally wrong," said Frattare. "Did I ever tell you about how I missed Maz's homerun in 1960 because I was on my way to the clubhouse?"

MR. OPTIMISM HIMSELF, CHUCK TANNER, REJOINS PIRATES ORGANIZATION

Former Bucs' skipper reviews state of organization, tries to hang himself

SPINSTER HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER LEARNS 'BEOWULF' TO BE A WIDE-SCREEN RELEASE, EXPERIENCES FIRST ORGASM

PITTSBURGH - Students and faculty at Gus Grissom High School in Gibsonia wondered why Miss Velveeta Lugosi, who has taught tenth grade English for 33 years, came to work with "the biggest smile" on her face today.

Miss Lugosi confirmed it was because she had her first orgasm last night.

"I was watching A&E, of course, and all of a sudden, an advertisement appeared for a new movie. I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw it was 'Beowulf.'"

And nearly fall out of her chair isn't all she did.

At first she was perplexed by what was happening to her body. But she did some quick research, and her fears were confirmed. "It happened," she said, taking a drag on a cigarette in the faculty lounge.

The faculty has been high-fiving her all day, and her students are the happy recipients of her elation. "She said we wouldn't have any homework all week," said Brett Swayne, 15, a student in Miss Lugosi's World Literature class. "If that's all it takes to make her happy, imagine what she'd do if she was ever with a real man, like me. Hell, she might give the whole class A's."

INSURANCE SALESMAN’S RAP FAILS TO IMPRESS DOMINATRIX

SENATOR JANE ORIE EMBARRASSED WHEN 'FRUIT OF LOOM GUY' SHOWS UP AT LATEST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS RALLY WEARING SAME OUTFIT

AS HOLLYWOOD WRITERS STRIKES COTINUES, PUBLIC FORCED TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES WITH THE UNTHINKABLE: READING

Ravenstahl Announces One Third of Casino Will Be "Green," Suggests East-Enders Stay In That Section

On his way to yet another golf outing, Mayor Ravenstahl told reporters he realized he had an obligation to represent the entire city and not just the wards where he draws his support.

"Myself, and at the end of the day, I intend to include all of Pittsburgh in my 'Most Awesome Plan To Move The City Forward.' I've spoken with Don Barden and he's agreed to set aside one-third of the casino as non-smoking. This should please the Peduto-loving East End crowd. Real Pittsburghers such as myself and my cigar-aficionado Development Czar, Pat Ford, can do our business in the smoke-filled sections."

BEN ROETHLISBERGER POINTS TO SKY, JOINS TEAMMATES IN CIRCLE OF PRAYER AFTER BEING FELLATED BY 22-YEAR OLD BRUNETTE AT PRIVATE POST-GAME PARTY

KICKER PHIL DAWSON IS MERELY THE LATEST CLEVELAND MAN TO COME UP SHORT IN THE LENGTH DEPARTMENT

FROM HIS GURNEY, OUR BLINDFOLDED SPORTS EDITOR JOHN WALKER LINDH PREDICTS THE STEELERS WILL SQUEAK BY THE BROWNS LATER TODAY, 31-28

CARBOLIC'S TEEN CRITIC: IS IT ANY WONDER PEOPLE DON'T COME DOWNTOWN ANY MORE, WITH THE VETERANS DAY PARADE CLUTTERING UP OUR STREETS?

BY RYAN KIDD: Is it, like, any wonder people don't come downtown anymore, dude?

It seems that every year around Veterans Day, the dilapidated, ratty-looking war veterans of yore gimp along Fifth Avenue, cluttering up our streets with their war-mongering nostalgia and so forth. Thus was it so today as Pittsburgh observed yet another Veterans Day parade. Like, yawn!

These old men all act like they're still injured or wounded or not right in the head in their wheelchairs, some of them. Others, they walk upright carrying flags and what-not, looking altogether too proud of themselves, for whatever reason, with their medals pinned all over their old-man shirts.

Seriously, dude, is this the kind of people we want hanging around downtown? What kind of Velcro-sneaker, retirement-community-image are we trying to foster here?

If our town father-dudes, Luke Ravenstahl, 27, and Yarone Zober, 32, really want downtown to rock, they'll have to sponsor a video game parade or something, with hot chicks and beer. Then maybe we'll attract the right kind of people downtown.

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BOY'S 'PRIVY PROP': TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS FOR THE MEN

Nine-year-old Jake Wulf's invention of a foot-activated toilet seat was prompted by his mother's incessant scolding to "put the seat down, you useless male!" Jake chuckles because his mother actually fell in the toilet several times after Jake "forgot" to put the seat down.

"What, it's my fault she doesn't have [an organ of copulation] and can't stand up while she pees?" Jake asked.

Jake wasn't content to have his new invention merely lift the seat. "It was my dream to invent a device that would free males from touching anything when they use the head," he explained. The device, which Jake calls the "privy prop," not only lifts the seat but it unzips the male's pants, removes his organ and holds it in place while the subject urinates. After the subject is finished, the device proceeds to shake the organ to prevent drippage. "The shaking is my favorite part," explained Jake. He's even added a repeat shake cycle to enhance the experience. After that, the device replaces the organ inside the pants, and zips up the subject. "There's no need for the guy to wash up because he hasn't touched anything," said Jake proudly.

His mother thinks the device goes too far. "What the hell is all that shaking about?" she screamed. "Since he invented that horrible thing, the little bastard claims he has to pee every ten minutes."

'CURSE OF TITANIC' CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM AS 96-YR-OLD WOMAN DIES OF 'NATURAL CAUSES'

LONDON - Barbara West Dainton, believed to be one of the last two survivors from the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died in England at age 96. The last American survivor, Lillian Gertrud Asplund, died in Massachusetts last year at age 99.

Sir Osmond Swayne, Titanic historian, explained that the deaths of Ms. Dainton and Ms. Asplund within a year of each other are an "astounding" coincidence. "What are the odds that two women in their late 90s would just happen to die in the same year? And doesn't it strike you as an incredible contrivance that they both supposedly died of 'natural causes' connected with old age? Or that they both just happened to live in nursing homes, one in England, the other in the United States? No, this is more than coincidence. There is only one possible explanation: the curse of the Titanic," he explained.

Sir Osmond explained that the "Curse of the Titanic" has been taking lives gradually since 1912. "The curse actually started with the sinking, because many lives were lost that night."

He added that "no one who was on that boat that night is safe."

PAT ROBERTSON'S SURPRISE ENDORSEMENT: 'GIULIANI HEARS SAME VOICES IN HEAD THAT I HEAR'

PLASTIC SURGEON PERMANENTLY ATTACHES CELL PHONE TO TEEN'S EAR

Parents say daughter's always on the phone, so "it just seemed like the logical thing to do"

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Principal informs Ravenstahl he has to repeat his senior year

Luke celebrates another term as mayor

FOLLOWING TUESDAY'S ELECTION, 90% OF ALL FEMALE ATTORNEYS IN PENNSYLVANIA ARE NOW SITTING ON THE STATE SUPERIOR COURT

Women judges pledge even-handed justice: Castration for all male sex offenders, and castration for all deadbeat dads.

DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT DOUGHERTY URGES CONTRIBUTIONS TO CATHOLIC LEAGUE FOR RELIGIOUS AND CIVIL RIGHTS IN CHRIS POTTER'S NAME*

President Dougherty urges Catholics "to pray for that atheist bastard's soul."

*Potter is Editor of The City Paper

POST-GAZETTE'S BILL TOLAND NAMED TOP CONTENDER FOR 2007 TIN EAR TROPHY

The prestigious award, given each year to the reporter least able to recognize good political prose when he hears it, comes with a $35 check and a special edition iPod pre-loaded with the collected works of Tom Murphy

MARTY GRIFFIN SAYS HE'S GLAD PITTSBURGH DIDN'T ELECT A "GEEK" LIKE MARK DeSANTIS

KDKA Radio host says he likes mayors who are "punks like Luke, or jackasses like me"

RAVENSTAHL DECLARES VICTORY, TOUTS "21st CENTURY HANDS"

"I see a city," the Mayor declared, "in which everyone's fists will glow like mine. We may not have any jobs, but we sure will look cool."

Ravenstahl Wins, Gets to Be Mayor for another Semester

PITTSBURGH -- Pittsburghers overwhelmingly re-elected both Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf in yesterday's off-year election. City election officials were baffled as to how the Pakistani presidential election appeared on the city ballot, but expressed relief "that things worked out for that nice country."

The city's support of Musharraf brought an end to the violence and chaos that has swept the Asian nuclear power since last week's declaration of a State of Emergency. However, Ravenstahl's re-election had the opposite effect as Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato declared a State of Emergency, placing 'Parental Controls' on city government for the next two years.

BUSINESS AS USUAL, MAYOR RAVENSTAHL’S CHIEF OF STAFF YARONE ZOBER GOES BACK TO WORK

BATTERED BUT VICTORIOUS RAVENSTAHL TELLS DeSANTIS . . .

"Ain't gonna be no rematch."

MAYOR, CAMPAIGN STAFF CELEBRATE VICTORY

RAVENSTAHL: 'INFORMED ELECTORATE PUT ME OVER THE TOP'

RAVENSTAHL A GRACIOUS WINNER

"To all my naysayers, to the Post-Gazette, the Trib, the blogosphere . . . I want you all to know that I intend to ride around in Homeland Security SUVs as frequently as I can; I plan to blow off meetings involving minorities and women; I plan to play as much golf with celebrities as I can; I plan to crash private events and take lavish gifts from corporations that do business with the city; and best of all, I plan to wear my f*cking flip-flops on airplanes!"

MAYOR TAKES VICTORY LAP AROUND TOWN IN HOMELAND SECURITY SUV

MAYOR BLOWS OFF ELECTION NIGHT PARTY FOR PLANE RIDE TO NEW YORK

SCENE FROM HEAVEN TONIGHT

MR. O'CONNOR: "Lord, you know I don't question your methods but I don't quite understand what you're doing to my town . . . . You've even got my widow going for this slacker kid."

MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL SEEN CELEBRATING RE-ELECTION AT CLUB MATRIX

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DENNIS KUCINICH AND TOM TANCREDO LEAD IN LATEST DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICAN POLLS, RESPECTIVELY

New Gallup poll surveyed 1,000 registered voters who were completely out of their minds.

FORLORN PITTSBURGH LITTLE-LEAGUER PREPARES TO BID FAREWELL TO HIS FAVORITE #21 JERSEY

ALL-STAR RIGHT-FIELDER MIKE MONAHAN, 13, OF BRENTWOOD, ASKS MOTHER SAME QUESTION POSED BY POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD UPON HEARING NEWS THAT STATE HOUSE IS URGING RETIREMENT OF LEGEND ROBERTO CLEMENTE'S NUMBER: "DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO WORRY ABOUT?"

JACK LAMBERT A NO-SHOW AT 75th ALL-TIME STEELERS' CELEBRATION

Ex-linebacker is in Hollywood preparing to replace TV's bounty hunter, Duane "Dog" Chapman

RAVENS SURRENDER AT HALF-TIME TO AVOID FURTHER DESTRUCTION

Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick (left) leads his staff as they surrender to the Pittsburgh Steelers at halftime during Monday night's game.

Ravenstahl Not Against Civil Unions Per Se -- Just Feels They Are A Bit Too "Confining"

"I try to touch and feel every city employee so they get the chance to understand me as mayor."

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL'S ENDORSEMENT FOR MAYOR

EDITORIAL - Carbolic Smoke Ball likes the fact that Luke Ravenstahl brought our city national fame because he is, to put it in terms that are politically correct, atypical. Ravenstahl, at 27, is perhaps the youngest-ever mayor of a major U.S. city. Mr. Ravenstahl is not the answer for Pittsburgh, but we still think that the only way to draw attention to Pittsburgh on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction.

Accordingly, we think it would be a hoot if Sophie Masloff were re-elected Mayor at age 89, and we endorse her today. Hell, she got herself on Letterman at the age of 70, and we dare say they'd have a parade for her if she were elected today. There is nothing wrong with having a mayor who's a side-show attraction. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it?

While Sophie is the best choice for this election, the question is, why are we limiting ourselves to mayors who are sideshow attractions only because of their age? What we really need to put us on the map is a mayor with pronounced congenital physical peculiarities, a circus freak of genetic-mutation proportions, a human oddity, an unfortunate mistake of nature.

Western Pennsylvania has sports teams that fit this description (e.g., the Pirates); roads (e.g., McKnight Road, Bates Street); even entire neighborhoods (e.g., Oakland). But none of these can run for mayor.

Is there any question that a two-foot tall mayor would be a world-class celebrity, and that having such a mayor would provide publicity to Pittsburgh that it otherwise wouldn't get? The question scarcely survives its statement.

Admittedly it would be preferable to be known for some accomplishment unique to the region such as, oh, being the steel capital of the world. But Pittsburgh has no such distinctions any longer, as much as we try to delude ourselves. So, today we endorse Sophie, but for the next mayoral election we say, "Circus freaks only need apply."

HOLLYWOOD WRITERS ON STRIKE

BUCS NAME JOHN RUSSELL NEW MANAGER

His friends call him "Jack." He previously played "Eddie" on the hit series "Frasier."

CLINTON DENIES PLAYING THE 'GENDER CARD,' NOTES IN PASSING THAT OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES GANG RAPED HER

BOSTON - Sen. Hillary Clinton denied that she is playing the "gender card" or wrapping herself in the mantle of female victimhood in her campaign for President.

She added, in passing, that her democratic opponents for President gang raped her last week "because I have a vagina and they have penises."

Mrs. Clinton made her remarks at her alma mater, Wellesley College, where she was invited to discuss the role gender should play in this campaign. "Gender has no role in this campaign whatsoever," she emphatically told an overflow crowd of young women. "I don't want anyone, especially young women looking for a role model to break through the glass ceiling, to give me special treatment merely because I am a member of an oppressed class on a historic mission for all women," she said.

"And since we're on the subject of the campaign," she added, "I would note in passing that shortly after last week's televised debate in Philadelphia, my six opponents [for the Democratic nomination] took me to a back room and gang raped me." Mrs. Clinton paused for a drink of water. "Now getting back to the gender issue, I don't want anyone to look at this race as a woman pitted against six vicious men who raped her. I want everyone to think of the seven of us as just candidates."

During the question and answer period, a young woman pressed Mrs. Clinton for details about the gang rape. "Well, that's completely off the subject of the role gender should play in this campaign," said Mrs. Clinton, "but since you've asked: The all-boys rape club, as I like to call them, piled on top of me and took turns having their way with me. Frankly, it felt as though the weight of the cumulative patriarchy, from the beginning of time until now, was violating the very soul of every woman who ever lived."

"But I'd prefer not to discuss that minor incident since we're supposed to be talking about the role of gender in this campaign," she said. "The fact that I am a member of a historically subjugated class with a vagina, while the rapists are bigger and stronger and have penises and male privilege, has nothing whatsoever to do with this campaign, and I don't want anyone to focus on it."

"Now, before I get back to the topic of gender, did I happen to mention in passing that those men gang raped me?"

TRIBUNE-REVIEW JUMPS GUN, ERRS IN REPORTING NAME OF NEW PIRATES MANAGER

All the Trib heard was "Russell" and assumed it was Russ Grimm

MAYOR TO GET NEW RIDE

PITTSBURGH - City leaders celebrated CMU's robot SUV winning a $2 million dollar prize this week. Nicknamed "Boss," the 2007 Chevy Tahoe is equipped with lasers, radar, cameras and 10 computers.

CMU's robotic ride won the first-place prize in the 2007 Urban Challenge race sponsored by the Defense Department. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl celebrated the win by asking CMU if he could take the SUV to the Rascal Flatts concert when it gets to Pittsburgh.

"Lasers ... I WANT an SUV with LASERSSSS," Ravenstahl said.

JOIN OUR POLITICAL EDITOR JOHN WALKER LINDH FOR HIS EXCLUSIVE ELECTION COVERAGE ON TUESDAY

TV ADS FULLY APPRISE VOTERS HOW APPELLATE COURT CANDIDATES WOULD DEAL WITH SEXUAL ASSAULTERS

Views range from life imprisonment to "death by purposefully botched castration." Voters have no idea how prospective judges feel about any other issue.

Pirates Pick Skipper, Gilligan to be Bench Coach

PITTSBURGH -- John Russell, former Pirates third base coach, was named as the successor to fired manager Jim Tracy at a news conference today. Russell, whose unusual coaching methods included yelling "nice ass" as players rounded third base (see above), was fired as a Pirates' coach two years ago.

Russell who managed the Johnstown Babushkas of the class AAAAAAAA Perogi League this past season says he is looking forward to fulfilling at least a year-and-a-half of his three year contract.