UPMC, GIANT EAGLE TO MERGE

LEADING GROCER, HEALTH CARE PROVIDER TO OFFER WEEKLY SPECIALS, FUEL PERKS FOR BREAD, MILK AND TRANSPLANTS

PITTSBURGH - Giant Eagle President and CEO David Shapira and UPMC CEO Jeffrey Romoff held a joint news conference yesterday to announce that the region's leading health care provider and grocery chain would merge effective January 1, 2007. The new entity, to be known as UPMCGIANTEAGLE, will offer weekly specials on a variety of perishable and non-perishable items, as well as medical treatment.

The initial plan calls for incoming patients to be wheeled through the automatic doors in carts. "Now, while you're waiting in those long emergency room lines, you can get your shopping done," said Shapira. "Customers will be thrilled with the savings they'll receive on deep-discounted items like chemotherapy, radiology, and transplants when using the new UPMCGIANTEAGLE Advantage Card" said Romoff. "And when you consider that each time you visit our facility for treatment, you'll be earning up to ten cents off per gallon in fuel perks, it doesn't make sense to shop, or be sick, anywhere else."

Both Giant Eagle and UPMC have been negotiating the merger for months in response to competition from Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart,the nation's leading retailer, recently began adding maternity wards to every store, with plans to add funeral parlors and eventually cemeteries (to be called "Sam's Graveyard") in every store built after 2010.

"In order to remain competitive, we had to make this deal," said Shapira. "Research shows Americans want to be able to buy a lottery ticket, rent a movie, pick up a dozen eggs and have surgery in one convenient location," he said."We're just giving the people what they want."

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HERMEY THE DENTIST CHARGED WITH KARATE-KICKING HIS NEW BRIDE FOLLOWING THEIR WEDDING RECEPTION

TOMLIN TO DRAFT PICKS: 'GET CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES OUT OF THE WAY NOW SO THERE WON'T BE ANY DISTRACTIONS AT TRAINING CAMP'

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: May 1, 1936

JOAD FAMILY HEADS WEST TO BEGIN SURFING CRAZE; ELDEST SON VOWS: “WHEREVER A GUY IS SHOOTING THE CURL, THAT’S WHERE I’LL BE”

(Dry Springs) - The Joad family left Oklahoma this morning bound for California , determined to start a national surfing craze along the shores of the Pacific ocean . The family truck, loaded down with fiberglass boards, skimboards, cases of lotion and rash guards pulled out of their dusty driveway just before dawn.

Before leaving, several family members spoke about their cross-country trip. “Catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world” said Pa Joad. Youngest brother Al Joad told this reporter “I’m goin’ to Surf City. Two girls for every boy!” he exclaimed.

The Joads have been Oklahoma residents for generations, but sharecropping just doesn’t have the same appeal it once did. “If we never pick another piece of fruit again, it’ll be too soon,” said Ma Joad. “All I want to do is put on this new two-piece number and hang ten.” Eldest son Tom Joad, who was recently paroled from the state penitentiary, said he spent his entire time in prison dreaming about the perfect wave. “I’d close my eyes and see it every night,” he said. “Wherever a guy is barnwalling down the line, that’s where I’ll be. Whenever a bitchen wave is leaving a beach bunny cranked, that’s where I’ll be,” he said, before adding, “among other places.” The Joads said they plan on returning to this state when hell freezes over.

LATEST STEELERS SCANDAL: JEFF REED'S VEGAS POOL PARTY PICS

Dan Rooney says photos "aren't really a concern" because "with the water, and all those people acting like children, it's close enough to a baptism" for him

‘HIP HOP’ MASS ON ITS WAY, COMPOSERS OF CATHOLIC MUSIC VOW

WANAMINGO, Minnesota -- Marty Haugen and David Haas claim they could start to write a new church hymn at the start of mass "and have it finished by the homily." Haas said that his best songs "are composed in less time than it takes to listen to one of them, not that I've ever actually listened to one of them." In fact, Haugen and Haas are the two most prolific composers of contemporary Catholic music in America, and they're about to get busier. The two men say they’ve heard the Pope's call for a livelier Mass and pledge to deliver a “new Catholic sound” in honor of the Vatican within a week.

“We’re basically hippies, to be honest with you,” Haugen explained. “Hence our church music sounds like The Mamas & the Papas. Without the talent.” He admitted that in recent years their formula was starting to sound "a little stale." He corrected himself: "The formula was actually stale when we started, but now ordinary people are realizing it. We don’t feel like rock stars anymore.” Haas agreed: “The Pope's message is was a wake-up call for us.”

The music of Haugen and Haas has dominated the Catholic liturgical music industry for the last 20 years, and they say they’re not going to surrender their stranglehold just because the Pope wants to liven things up. “I can’t afford the pay cut if they stop playing my stuff,” Haugen confided, “Royalties, ya know, dude.” The duo admitted they benefited in large part over the years from "brain-dead" choir directors who would play "basically anything we wrote.”

As for their new church music, which is already three-quarters complete, they revealed that it would have an authentic urban feel. "Basically, without the profanity and misogyny, of course.” But, they said they wouldn’t seek collaborators from the hip-hop world.

“I like to think that we can still [compose] music that church-goers will hum no matter where they are - like a theme song from a TV sitcom,” Haugen explained, “what we have in mind are basically hip-hop versions of some our classic tunes.” He quickly corrected himself, “Hymns, rather.”

HEAVY RAINS LEAVE TABASCO FLOODED, BELOVED HOT SAUCE DILUTED

VILLAHERMOSA, Mexico -- A week of heavy rains caused rivers to overflow, leaving 70 percent of the Gulf state of Tabasco underwater and causing severe damage to this year’s crop of tabasco peppers. The flooding, the worst the state has seen in 50 years, has also forced thousands of people to cling to rooftops or flee to shelters.

Speaking in a televised address, Mexico's President Felipe Calderon said, “The damaged to our ‘pepper’ is extraordinarily grave. This is one of the worst natural disasters in the history of our country."

The President called on all Mexicans to help. "Nobody can stand around with his arms crossed," Calderon told Mexico. "We can't and won't abandon our beloved pepper, our beloved friend.”

Aid workers from Central and South American countries are rushing raw materials such as vinegar and salt to Tabasco in an effort make hot sauce with “what’s left.”

“I’m sure it will be diluted - there’s no doubt about that,” explain Jerry McIlhenny, President of the McIlhenny Company of Avery Island, Louisiana, the United States’ largest maker of hot sauce. “I just hope people won’t notice too much.”

Answering the call of their president, many victims of the Tabasco flooding are also pitching in the help McIlhenny’s Company.

"We lost everything," said Manuel Gonzalez, whose house was swallowed by the flood waters early Thursday. "I must help. I can’t stand around with my arms crossed."

The rain stopped Tuesday, but weather forecasters predicted more precipitation in the coming days. “Great, just great,” said McIlhenny sarcastically.

Obama: 'Rev. Wright's remarks may have crossed the line'

WITH REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT BACK IN THE NEWS, OBAMA TURNS TO A NEW SPIRITUAL ADVISOR

Illinois Senator says "This time, no one in America could possibly be offended" by his choice

Pope Bendict rocked for 11 runs in first inning, Brewers release him

George Steinbrenner: Trading Pontiff after last week's Yankee Stadium mass was "the best thing I've ever done"

Tens of thousands of fans saw Pope Benedict XVI say mass at Yankee Stadium a week ago last Sunday. Immediately after the mass, Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner traded the Pope to the Milwaukee Brewers for right-handed pitcher Jeff Suppan and a Bishop to be named later.

The Pontiff's stay in Milwaukee lasted nine days. The Brewers released him outright after Tuesday night's loss to the White Sox in which Benedict gave up 11 runs in the first inning. Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C. closed out the game in a mop-up role.

The Brewers’ General Manager Doug Melvin said he had high hopes for the Pontiff, but "he's just a Pope, not a miracle worker."

OBAMA DISOWNS GRANDMOTHER, TOO

"First, Rev. Wright, then my grandmother -- who wants to be next? I might get hot and disown everybody in the joint."

RARE PAINTING OF BEN FRANKLIN MAKING OBSCENE GESTURE FETCHES MILLIONS AT AUCTION

Philadelphia - A rare oil painting of Benjamin Franklin grabbing his crotch and pointing at Thomas Jefferson during the Constitutional Convention sold for ten million dollars at auction yesterday. It is believed to be the largest sum of money spent on a painting of the Constitutional Convention since Aaron Spelling purchased the lone print of Alexander Hamilton holding John Adams in a headlock during the Bicentennial Auction of 1976.

The winning bid was submitted by renowned historian – and Pittsburgh native – David McCullough. Mr. McCullough said he plans to display the painting in the first floor powder room of his home. The painting, entitled “I’ve Got Your States Rights Right Here,” was done by Charles Wilson Peale. Mr. Peale was known as the official painter of the Founding Fathers.

A shrewd businessman as well as a gifted artist, Peale negotiated an exclusive deal with the Founding Fathers following the Boston Massacre in 1770. The deal gave him unlimited access to the some of the most prominent men in the Colonies, and he used that access to capture many of them in revealing, and at times, unflattering acts. Historian David McCullough said the portrait of Benjamin Franklin is “an accurate depiction of the emotional, tension-filled debates between proponents of the Federal system and those who adhered to a Jeffersonian vision for the young republic.” McCullough added that it wasn’t uncommon for delegates at the Constitutional Convention to slap, punch, or kick each other to drive home their arguments “when rhetoric wasn’t enough.”

WVU has history of awarding diplomas to brainless recipients

MALIBU SURF CLUB ENDORSES GLOBAL WARMING

"We figure it oughta bring some bitchin' waves," said club president Tito Swayne. "We can't wait."

MENDENHALL ENTERS THE CITY TO CHANTS OF HOSANNA; FANS HAIL SAVIOR OF STEELERS RUNNING GAME

(Pittsburgh) - Rashard Mendenhall, the first pick of the Pittsburgh Steelers in this past weekends NFL draft, entered the city in triumph today, with tens of thousands of excited fans laying palm fronds before his feet as he traveled down East Carson Street on his way to the Steelers South Side complex.

“I am the way, the truth, and the light,” he said. “He who believeth in me shall see a sixth Super Bowl trophy before the cock crows three times.” The furor over the arrival of Mr. Mendenhall prompted head coach Mike Tomlin to issue a statement reminding Steelers disciples of Mr. Mendenhall’s role.

“He’s a rookie running back,” Tomlin said. “Right now, he’s backing up Willie Parker.” Informed of Tomlin’s comments, Mr. Mendenhall made a brash prediction. “I will destroy the current depth chart, and rebuild it in three days, with myself at the top.”

Team officials are elated Mr. Mendenhall was available when it was the Steelers selection. “He’s the one we’ve been waiting for all this time,” said Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert. Mr. Mendenhall said he will spend the next several days walking the banks of the three rivers speaking to fishermen, before going to work.

He said he’s aware of the pressure that comes with being a first round draft pick of the Steelers. “I know they see me as a miracle worker, and I’ll do my best, but I know the first time something goes wrong, they’ll be screaming for somebody else, and looking to crucify me.”

President reconvenes Warren Commission to investigate Steeler draft

Bush: "The success of the Steelers is clearly in our national interest."

CARBOLIC CAMPAIGN PHOTO: Mildred Bitterman of Butler County realizes she "accidentally voted for the Negro."

THE SCIENCE CORNER: The most germ-infested object in your home is your soap

BY DR. NOAH SWAYNE, SCIENTIST - There's an enemy hiding in your bathroom's soap dish.

It wants you to hold it, to caress it, and to think that only it can make you clean.

In fact, it is the single most germ-infested object in your home.

It is your soap.

I am, of course, speaking from a purely SCIENTIFIC perspective.

You innocently invite this Trojan Horse into the most private room of your home, the room where you frolic about naked in front of the mirror longing for a longer long john, blissfully oblivious that the thing that is supposed to protect you from filth and disease is laden through and through with it.

Soap has been the leading cause of death in America for the past 67 years.

Men, do you get urine on your hands while peeing? Urine contains .0001 mg of germs per square inch. Soap contains 8.73 mg of germs per square inch. You'd be much cleaner washing your hands with pee instead of soap.

Vomit, industrial waste and rodents are all much cleaner than soap.

There is only one solution if you want to avoid disease and, yes, even death: ditch the soap, fast. And the next time someone tells you to wash your hands, just point out these simple SCIENTIFIC facts.

WVU to allow frequent flier miles to count toward degree credits

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. – West Virginia University officials today unveiled an innovative new program that allows students to use real-life experience, frequent flyer miles and Giant Eagle fuel perks as credits toward graduate degrees in business, education and pharmacy

“Grad-Points Plus,” a joint effort by the university and various businesses, will allow mid-career professionals “the opportunity to apply what they’ve learned in the school of hard-knocks in the school of hardly knocking,” according to school president Michael Garrison.

Garrison said the program is a previously unpublicized recommendation from a recent in-house investigation into a master’s degree that was awarded, then rescinded, then awarded then rescinded to an area pharmaceutical executive.

“We sat around thinking about all the other sorts of credits and points someone picks up in a long career and one of our sociology professors did some sort of algorithm or whatever those people do and figured that a certain number of frequent flyer miles probably has a lot of educational kinds of experiences attached to it and we figured, ‘hey – why just leave those things lying around? Especially the ones with USAirways, which aren’t good for much – certainly not, like, booking a flight, and believe me I’ve tried. So we started thinking about ways to connect them with learning,” said Garrison.

“And believe me, at WVU, we’ve found ways to connect things with learning that haven’t occurred to people at any other school I can think of.”

A prospectus for the course shows that various miles will be applicable in different ways, depending upon the learning experience likely to be reflected. Overseas miles will be good for one credit in 1,500 mile increments for degrees in business and pharmacy, while miles for domestic travel can be applied in lesser amounts.

“Let’s suppose you flew from Pittsburgh to Seattle. Clearly that would suggest a few credits in computer science,” said Garrison. “Or a flight to Toronto or Montreal. Those could count toward U.S. Geography, right?”

Garrison said the school will draw that line at in-state travel and short-hops and will limit all travel to and from Las Vegas to its statistics and mathematics courses.

The fuel perks feature will include a unique “reverse perks” clause that allows students to include grocery purchases toward sociology degrees.

“I’ve been to the supermarket. I was there just last month, with my wife, and I noticed how many people talk about their troubles there,” Garrison said. “This is a no-brainer for sociology.”

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL FOUND BOUND AND GAGGED IN BASEMENT OF GOVERNOR’S MANSION; RENDELL SWEARS HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW SHE GOT THERE

PENNSYLVANIA VOTER FED UP WITH 'A**HOLE POLITICIANS' WHO STOPPED CALLING

PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne slumps over in his overstuffed easy chair, one hand clutching a phone that refuses to ring. Empty Diet Rite Cola bottles are strewn about the floor. Noah's bathrobe is carelessly opened in the front to reveal a little too much Noah. The red, puffy eyes testify to excessive crying.

Neighbors say Swayne has been like this since Wednesday. That's the day the recordings of Hillary Clinton stopped calling.

"One day, [the recording of] Hillary interrupted Guiding Light six times -- I know because I counted. She sweet talked me, made all kind of promises, told me how important I am -- you know, she totally came on to me," said Swayne. "Six times she called! She even had [a recording of Pennsylvania Governor] Ed Rendell call me, you know, talking her up the way Karen Haas' brother did when he was tryin' to get me to ask his sister to the 11th grade dance."

Swayne leans forward as if he's about to reveal who killed JFK. "Hillary and I did things on the phone I normally don't do until a third date," he confides. "Then poof -- after the [Pennsylvania] primary -- nothing! You don't lead someone on like that and then just stop calling, cold turkey."

"Politicians! They're all alike! They're all dicks, selfish assholes, toying with a girl's heart. I don't need any of them, ever, because you can't trust any of them." Swayne said he plans to "invite some girlfriends over Friday night, make some popcorn, and then we'll all curl up in our pajamas and do some serious politican bashing."

A recording of Hillary Clinton responded to inquiries about this story by saying, "Tell Noah, it's not him, it's me."

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OBAMA CAMPAIGN SAYS NEW PHOTO DEPICTS SECRET PRO-CLINTON RALLY IN CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA

"This explains everything," said campaign manager David Plouffe.

FOOD NETWORK UNVEILS NEWEST PROGRAM: AMERICA ’S BEST PRISON CAFETERIAS

OBAMA SIGNS FORMAL SURRENDER TO CLINTON ON DECK OF USS MISSOURI

OBAMA PACKS UP HIS TOYS, GOES TO INDIANA

Tells Evansville crowd, "I’m not gonna play with those Pennsylvania poopy heads ever again”

From the Carbolic Smoke Ball Archives: April 24, 1936

STEELERS MAKE WILLIAM “BILL” SHAKESPEARE THEIR FIRST DRAFT CHOICE IN HISTORY

“He's a play maker.” – Art Rooney, Sr., Team Owner

NEW YORK -- Bill Shakespeare, a running back from Notre Dame, was made the first No. 1 draft pick in Steelers’ history today. He accepted a black-and-gold striped football jersey from NFL Commissioner Bert Bell, and posed for photographers with Mr. Rooney at Madison Square Garden.

Shakespeare was the third player picked overall. “He has an unusual running style,” Pittsburgh Sun-Telegraph sports reporter Giacomo Prisuta said. “He’s light on his left foot, and then he accents the right foot. It’s sort of a da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM. I’ve never seen an iambic runner before."

Shakespeare was not as highly ranked by BLESTO scouting services as Francis Bacon, a running back out of Texas A&M. But the Steelers liked what they saw. “We compared them side by side, and we thought Shakespeare was the true original. Our hopes are high for the upcoming season.”

Editor’s note: Mr. Shakespeare never made the team, and the Steelers continued their losing ways until the 1970’s. Shakespeare went on to a successful career as a poet. He lived in England until his death in Strathmore-on-Avon in 1965.

UPMC ACQUIRES $50 MILLION LEARJET FOR MEDICAL STUDY: THE EFFECTS OF HIGH ALTITUDE ON TOP-SHELF LIQUOR

“I personally tested the Courvoisier to make sure it is safe for our subscribers.” -- Jeffrey Romoff, UPMC President and CEO

NEWS HOUR WITH JIM LEHRER TO REMAIN IN PITTSBURGH; AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST TO ANCHOR PBS DRAFT COVERAGE FROM WQED STUDIOS

(Washington D.C.) - The News Hour with Jim Lehrer will remain in Pittsburgh through this weekend to anchor round-the-clock PBS coverage of the NFL Draft. The News Hour broadcast from Pittsburgh this past Monday as part of its coverage of the Pennsylvania primary. Mr. Lehrer will be joined in the WQED studios on draft day by co-anchor Gwen Ifill, as well as syndicated columnist Mark Shields, Wall Street Journal editorial page editor Paul Gigot, Sports Illustrated pro football writer Peter King, and presidential historians Doris Kearns Goodwin and Michael Beschloss.

Ms. Ifill said she felt having two presidential historians on the air was important. “If we want to let viewers know who Franklin Roosevelt would take if he were picking for the Miami Dolphins, we can go to either Doris or Michael.”

Mr. Lehrer said he thought PBS coverage of the NFL draft was long overdue. “This is an event that really seems to strike a chord with the American people,” he said. “The anticipation and excitement that comes with the process by which the management of professional football franchises choose aspiring athletes exceeds every other selection process in civic life, and that includes the presidential election.” Mr. Lehrer added that the tedious, snail-like pace of the NFL draft made it the perfect story for PBS. “Ken Burns couldn’t do it any better, or any slower.”

Clinton supporters celebrate victory in Pennsylvania

Dan Rooney interviews Obama to fulfill requirements of 'Rooney Rule'

"And every American voter is required to interview Barack before the election," said Steelers' patriarch

GLITCH IN ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINE DELIVERS "SCHMUFFIN" TO VOTER

POPE BENEDICT DISSATISFIED WITH PAPAL AIRLINES; PONTIFF SAYS HE’LL NEVER FLY SHEPHERD ONE AGAIN

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI pronounced himself “extremely dissatisfied” with his flight experience during his recent trip to the United States. The Pontiff’s feelings were made public yesterday when the Vatican travel office released the results of a Shepherd One exit survey completed by His Holiness upon his return to Rome.

“I was extremely dissatisfied with the quality of my flight,” wrote the Pope in a section of the survey reserved for comments. “The pretzels I received for my snack tasted like they were made before the Second Vatican council. Even worse, my in flight movie was 'Mr. Destiny,' starring Jim Belushi. If any of you had been paying attention, you would have known I made an infallible pronouncement last year condemning Mr. Belushi as an abomination on show business.”

When asked if he would recommend Shepherd One to other Popes, Benedict replied with an emphatic “NO!”

Father David Corbett, the papal secretary in charge of travel itinerary, said it was likely Pope Benedict was suffering the effects of jet lag and fatigue when filling out the survey, if, indeed he filled it out himself. “A lot of times he give this stuff to one of us,” said Father Corbett. “That’s what he did with the Proust questionnaire from Vanity Fair and the Pop Culture grid in Sports Illustrated.” Father Corbett said the Pope had no immediate plans to return to the United States. “But I’m sure the next time he does, he’ll be flying Jet Blue.”

CLINTON VICTORY IN PENNSYLVANIA PRIMARY ATTRIBUTED TO MIRACLE OF MONICA LEWINSKY'S DRESS

Face of Eleanor Roosevelt appears in semen stain; Clinton supporters call it "a sign"

Close-up of image

Catherine Baker Knoll blames 'women hater' comment on 'getting caught up in the Clinton campaign atmosphere'

Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll lashed out at county executive Dan Onorato and Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl during a rally for Hillary Clinton at Market Square Monday afternoon saying "these two men can't stand women." The comment came after Onorato didn't know Knoll wanted to speak at the rally, so he bypassed her and introduced former President Bill Clinton instead.

Afterward, Knoll said her remarks had been taken out of context. "That thing about how they 'can't stand women,' it's just something we say in the Clinton campaign, that's all," she sighed and rolled her eyes. "You know, like in your office if a guy does something you don't like, you might say, 'I disagree with you on that.' Well, in the Clinton campaign, if a guy does something we disagree with, it's like, 'Hey, you must hate women. You're a misogynist -- a sexist, woman-hating pig.' It's just a figure of speech. Like if someone supports Obama, they hate women, you know? I mean, what's the big deal? I can't understand why everybody's making a federal case out of it."

Dan Onoroto explained that the Lt. Governor's remarks were inaccurate. "The fact of the matter is, we love women -- it's her we can't stand."

Bill Clinton endorses Obama

Former President Bill Clinton endorsed Barack Obama last night. "I woke him at 3:00 a.m. and he did just fine," Clinton explained. "Now my wife -- that's a different story."

OBAMA INTRODUCES HIS TOP CABINET PICKS

High-ranking members of "Obama Youth" would serve as Secretaries of State, Defense, Energy, Hope, and Change

THREE MEN CASTRATED DURING CLINTON MARKET SQUARE RALLY

PITTSBURGH - Three men were castrated during Monday's Market Square rally for Hillary Clinton, bringing the total number of men neutered at Clinton rallies nationwide since the presidential campaign began to 29. This news outlet does not identify victims of castrations at Clinton rallies.

"It was scary when word about the three guys spread throughout the crowd," said Noah Swayne, 22, a Clinton supporter at the rally. "We all figured that the guys who got snipped must have been asking for it."

Lt. Governor Catherine Baker Knoll explained that men need to be vigilant at Clinton rallies. "They shouldn't walk alone and they should be accompanied by a woman at all times," said the Lt. Governor. "I don't want to say these three particular dudes asked for it, but these three particular dudes probably did ask for it," she explained. "They probably can't stand women," she smirked. "I'm only kidding about that last part -- it's just something we say in the Clinton campaign to pass the time."

STEVE DOUGLAS, DOUGLAS FAMILY SUSPECTS IN SERIES OF BRUTAL MURDERS; UNCLE CHARLIE SAYS “COPS GOT IT ALL WRONG”

(Los Angeles) - Steve Douglas, an aerospace engineer, widower, and patriarch of the Douglas family, is being sought by local police who suspect his involvement in the brutal murder of actress Sharon Tate. Mr. Douglas, who previously lived in an idyllic Midwestern suburb with his three sons before moving to California, has an extensive criminal record. Detective Joe Friday, who has been working the day shift out of homicide, said Mr. Douglas is a charismatic figure who exerts a powerful control over the members of his family.

“Steve Douglas is no stranger to violence” said Detective Friday. “We are awaiting final results from the lab, but it looks like he’s the guy who stabbed Bub eighty-four times and left him in a shallow grave behind his old house.” Bub O’Casey was Mr. Douglas’s father-in-law. Friday said informants have revealed that Douglas has spent the past several months listening to copies of The Beatles White Album in an effort to discern secret messages he believes were intended for him.

“Douglas is under the impression this pop group is telling him to start a race war,” said Friday. “We believe he dispatched [sons] Rob, Chip, and Ernie to do his bidding.”

Uncle Charlie, the cantankerous live-in housekeeper for the Douglas family, says the police are mistaken. “They should talk to the people who live next door, the Mansons,” he said. “They’ve been keeping me up all night with their racket!”

OBAMA SUPPORTERS LAUNCH NEW GRASSROOTS EFFORT

BENEDICT NAMES CHENEY VICE-POPE

George W. Bush to assume the Presidency

OBAMA THE FRONT-RUNNER FOR STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT

I think he's someone who can unite the brains and the jocks," said junior Ashleigh McKenna. "And I just love his smile."

The eyes of the nation turn to Pennsylvania tomorrow

Halfway through the service, the Pope has a revelation

"You know what, fellas? I just realized I'm in the wrong place."

WICKED WITCH DEMANDS POPE'S RUBY SLIPPERS

'Look, everybody, I'm Frankenstein!'

Pope Benedict at the United Nations

"First, I'd like to take a bow for Harpo and Chico."