Omar Mateen's 911 call: 'My name is I pledge of allegiance to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of the Islamic State . . . . Tell America to stop bombing Syria and Iraq.'
Runaway truck ramp found in West Virginia
Study finds that’s not all she wrote
“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $18 million.
The study concludes the cliché should be altered to read, "She wrote too much.”
Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription
“Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said.
But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.
Boy underwent profound change during ten minutes he spent alone with Gorilla at Cincinnati zoo
Boy now advocates building a wall at Mexican border and banning Muslims, rails against trade deficit with China.
Gorillas protest Cincinnati Zoo shooting
Thousands of gorillas marched in protest outside the Cincinnati Zoo today after zookeepers shot a 450-pound western lowland gorilla with a rifle to save the life of a 3-year-old boy who had slipped into the gorilla's enclosure.
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called the protesting gorillas "paid agitators" and "thugs."
"These are very bad gorillas, very bad," Trump told a rally in Anaheim. "They're the most dishonest gorillas I've ever seen, they're slime. Believe me. Believe me. And by the way, they're slime."
Trump claimed that billionaire liberal activist George Soros paid to bus the gorilla protesters to Cincinnati.
Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders sided with the protesting gorillas. Sanders tearfully told reporters that Harambe, the deceased gorilla, "could have been my son."
President Obama was more guarded in his remarks, telling reporters he "didn't know all the facts yet," but that the zookeepers "acted stupidly."
Tools lost in space turn up in old ‘Star Trek’ episode
Prof. Noah Swayne of Hoboken University explained that objects lost in space "frequently turn up in old television programs that are set in the future" due to a space-time continuum scientists are unable to explain. The most famous example of this is the robot’s head in the old “Lost in Space” series--it was actually a light fixture from the men’s room of the International Space Station.
Master showman Trump plans to make GOP convention 'a spectacle'
Highlights include arrival of Santa Claus, live execution.
 |
| Preview: 2016 GOP Convention |
GOP establishment turns to the only man who can stop Trump
Party leaders head to California to ask him to run.
Fox News renamed 'Trump News Network'
 |
| Donald Trump, on gurney, shown with Fox News executives Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes, right. |
Trump to reconvene Warren Commission 'to bring Rafael Cruz to justice'
NEW YORK - Donald Trump said that if he is elected president, on his first day in office, he will reconvene the Warren Commission, the official committee that investigated the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, to study Rafael Cruz's role in JFK's death. Rafael Cruz is the father of presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
Trump told Bill O'Reilly of Fox News: "We have strong evidence that Rafael Cruz was involved--very, very strong evidence that he either pulled the trigger or was with Lee Harvey Oswald at the time of the shooting."
O'Reilly told Trump that all the members of the Warren Commission are dead.
"Believe me, Bill, they might be dead, but we're bringing them back," Trump said. "We're bringing them back. Believe me. Believe me."
O'Reilly quickly added that if Rafael Cruz did kill President Kennedy, "it's just another reason to pass 'Kate's Law,'" proposed legislation O'Reilly has backed that would impose mandatory prison terms on certain illegal immigrants convicted of major felonies. "If Rafael Cruz is guilty, he needs to be brought to justice," O'Reilly said.
O'Reilly added: "Now, I wanted to get into what evidence you have for your allegation that Rafael Cruz was involved in the assassination, but we don't have time for that. I need to move on to this other point, which is more important. Do you think I've been fair to you, Donald? Is there anything I've said that isn't fair?"
Trump responded by noting that O'Reilly "could be more fair sometimes," and O'Reilly promised he'd try to do better.
"Coming up next," O'Reilly announced, "Geraldo Rivera and some other Fox News people to malign Ted Cruz."
Trump taps deceased Penn State coach Joe Paterno for VP
Local Man's Luck Changes After Trump Plastic Surgery
"I got a big promotion at work, my girlfriend agreed to marry me, and I hit the lottery," Swayne explained.
Swayne's bride, Judi Swayne, said although she initially found her husband's Trump shtick attractive, "it's starting to wear thin."
"I married him because he kept telling me, 'We're going to build a wall on our neighbor's property line, and the neighbor's going to pay for it.' Now I realize I never really believed it--I bought into it because I wanted to believe it."
Judi said she's developing a strange desire to date men who look like Senator Ted Cruz.
Trump: 'I know how to raise people from the dead, and Joe Paterno is coming back'
Donald Trump told legions of angry supporters in Pittsburgh that if he is elected president, he will revive the moribund steel industry and raise disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno from the dead.
“I know a lot about Pennsylvania because I went to school here, and I'm really, really smart,” Trump told the enthusiastic audience gathered at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center on Wednesday evening.
“Steel--we’re bringing back. It's coming back,” he announced to wild cheering.
“And how’s Joe Paterno?” Trump asked to perplexed looks.
"I know how to raise people from the dead, and when I'm elected, Joe Paterno is coming back. Believe me. Believe me. He's coming back."
A man wearing a University of Pittsburgh cap stood up and shouted angrily, "Paterno rots in hell!"
Trump turned to address the man. "What you're forgetting is, I know how to make deals--I will make a deal with the devil, and we will bring Joe Paterno back. Lyin' Ted Cruz doesn't get along with anybody. The devil hates Ted Cruz. Hates him. But I'm gonna make such a great deal with the devil--a great, great deal--and Joe Paterno is coming back, he's coming back. Believe me. Believe me."
Trump switched gears to rail against China, announcing a ban on Chinese immigrants until "we can figure out what the hell the fortunes in their cookies actually mean. I mean, nobody understands what these fortunes mean."
Trump also said he wants China to stop calling its iconic east-to-west fortification the "Great Wall" because the wall he intends to build at the Mexican border "will put their crumbling wall to shame, I promise you." He suggested China call its wall "the not-so-great wall of China."
Trump was whisked out of the hall to attend a rally in Philadelphia where he planned to announce he would resurrect from the grave founding father Benjamin Franklin and divisive late mayor Frank Rizzo.
"I don't want to be there when they do it," he said. "The smell--let's just say it will be disgusting, really disgusting."
Trump promises miracle in Philadelphia: 'If elected, I will touch the Liberty Bell and heal the crack'
Trump supporters: He can do it!
Trump saw thousands of Muslims cheering during the attack on 7/11--'Slurpees were all over the floor'
"I had a lot of friends--a lot of friends--killed during the attack on 7/11 that day. They were at the Slurpee counter. And by the way, the 7/11's in New York have the best Slurpees in the world--I've had Slurpees all over the world, and the New York Slurpees are the best anywhere. Believe me. Believe me."
"And then I saw a group of Muslims in the back of the store--thousands of Muslims--thousands of them--they stood up and cheered when those Slurpees hit the ground. It was disgusting."
Trump said that, when he's elected, he plans to use 7/11's roller hot dog grills to torture Muslims.
Lincoln's harsh treatment of protester at Gettysburg Address much like Trump
Lincoln was nearing the conclusion of his speech at the dedication of the Gettysburg National Cemetery when the interruption occurred: "We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom . . . ."
Just then, a man dressed as a Confederate Infantryman stood up near the back of the crowd and started shouting: "Black lives don't matter!"
Police quickly surrounded the man, and the Great Emancipator looked up from his prepared text and snarled: "Get him the hell out of here!" The crowd applauded.
"In the old days, a guy like that would have been carried out on a stretcher," Lincoln said. "I'd like to punch him in the face."
The crowd cheered Lincoln's comments while police escorted the man away from the assembly.
Lincoln disgustedly raised his hands and addressed the crowd candidly. "We're not allowed to push back anymore, do you know that? Seriously, we're not allowed. Well, we're pushing back at the Gettysburg National Cemetery, I can assure you!"
Lincoln continued: "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously, OK? I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise."
The crowd rose to its feet and started chanting, "Lincoln '64! Lincoln '64!"
When the applause died down, Lincoln finished reading his speech, which drew only tepid applause.
NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident
Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.
NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.
“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.
NARCISSISTS PROTEST, WANT SAME-PERSON MARRIAGE LEGALIZED
Thousands of narcissists took to the streets of San Francisco yesterday to protest for same-person marriages. Rally organizer Jingo Bang whipped the crowd into a frenzy: "Why am I forced to sit in the back of the bus merely because my 'significant other' happens to be . . . me?"
The rally was held in the city's Sunset District, the scene of innumerable gay rights rallies where the participants traditionally join hands with their partners and sing songs of liberation. Yesterday, each protester clasped his own hands and sang a song of his own choosing, creating a disturbing cacophony that drew complaints as far away as Fisherman's Wharf.
Ex-manager Jim Leyland to end retirement so he can spend less time with his grandchildren
Leyland also said he plans to move to downtown Detroit and throw away his coffee pot "so that I smell neither the roses nor the coffee."
Pope roughs up priest who leaked church information
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican arrested Father Lucio Angel Vallejo on suspicion of leaking classified church information, and an insider said that Pope Francis gave the priest "a pretty good beating" during a police interrogation.
Father Federico Lombardi, Vatican spokesman, denied reports that Pope Francis beat the suspect. Father Vallejo was arrested over the weekend and was treated with "the utmost respect and dignity" while Vatican police questioned him, said Lombardi. Lombardi added that he "thinks" the pontiff "stopped by to ask the priest a few questions," but that "it was all very cordial, consistent with Pope Francis's overriding message of mercy and forgiveness."
A Vatican insider, who asked to remain anonymous, painted a different picture.
"The Pope walked into the holding cell and told the Swiss Guard to 'hold him straight.'" The Swiss Guard propped up Father Vallejo, then, without any warning, the pontiff gave the priest "a vicious right to the mouth," drawing audible groans from horrified onlookers. Several of Father Vallejo's teeth fall to the ground, and blood spurted from his mouth.
The Pope handed the priest a handkerchief.
"Here you go kid, wipe off your mouth," the pontiff told him. "Now you know the score around here, From now on, we're going to get along just fine, you and me."
Pope Francis proceeded to interrogate the priest for more than seven hours without stopping. "Most of it was Francis yelling at Vallejo at the top of his lungs in between slapping him on the side of the head trying to force him to confess." At one point, the pontiff told the priest that the Catholic Church had taken his mother and sisters "to a secure location" where they would be beaten until Vallejo confessed.
In the end, Father Vallejo lost consciousness and Pope Francis disgustedly sprang to his feet and darted from the room. Onlookers reported the pontiff's white vestments were strewn with blood and that the Pope had blood on his knuckles as he strode into Saint Peter's Basilica.
Father Lombardi scoffed when he was asked about the blood. "Pope Francis cut himself shaving--both his face and his knuckles. The Holy Father has very hairy knuckles. There's nothing more to the story."
ABRAHAM ZAPRUDER LURED OUT OF RETIREMENT TO FILM LAWN MOWER COMMERCIAL
HOLLYWOOD - Abraham Zapruder, the man who filmed the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the Toro Lawn Mower Company. Insiders say Zapruder will use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination.
Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved lawn mower blows up.
The commercial features some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. He is widely regarded as the father of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.
via GIPHY
Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved lawn mower blows up.
The commercial features some of the time-honored techniques Zapruder popularized. He is widely regarded as the father of handheld, shaky camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.
via GIPHY
Carbolic Smoke Ball welcomes it's new meteorologist: former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev
Severe weather system moves from the Midwest to the east coast bringing dangerous winds and flooding.
Hands Transplant Patient Meets, Slaps Face of Face Transplant Patient
Ms. Murray’s transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated Mr. Hermanns’ face. That marriage ended unhappily, allegedly because of the face donor’s repeated indiscretions.
Immediately after Ms. Murray was introduced to Mr. Hermann, her new hands began slapping his face. The other guests watched in horrified silence.
“It was as if [my hands] had a mind of their own,” said Ms. Murray.
Security guards quickly separated the pair. Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, the surgeon who performed both transplants, arranged the historic meeting.
“I thought it would be a real hoot to have them meet — you know, from a scientific perspective.”
Dr. Roadhouse was “not surprised” by Ms. Murray’s attack on Mr. Hermann, given the prior relationship of the hands and face donors.
“I’ve encountered similar phenomena in Haiti in connection with my studies of the occult,” he explained. “To the uninitiated, it can be a little off-putting.”
Dr. Roadhouse observed that “there hasn’t been this much slapping in Washington since the Clintons occupied the White House.”
Local man: 'The only time I feel alive is when I'm wearing my collar bomb'
Local bon vivant Noah Swayne of Bethel Park revealed that he "doesn't feel alive" unless his triple-banded metal collar bomb is securely locked around his neck."First thing I do when I come home from work is slap on the collar [bomb]," said Swayne. "I know the neighbors must think it's strange seeing me cutting the grass wearing the collar, but I'm one of those guys who's always lived a sort of high-octane life."
Swayne insists on setting the timer to detonate the bomb while he's wearing the collar. "Only one time did I come close to having it go off -- when I accidentally fell asleep," he chuckles. "I disarmed it with seven seconds to spare."
Swayne confided that he sometimes wears the collar to bed. "Many a night my wife assumes the bomb went off," he winked. "Every couple should add one of these to their lovemaking regimen."
Female car dealer says ex-boyfriend took advantage of her
She won't say she was "used"--she prefers "pre-owned"
'Notice you never see ISIS attack the Safety Patrol Boys' picnic—there’s a reason for that.'
--Tough-talking Safety Patrol Sgt. Rufus Peckham (7th
grader, St. Elizabeth Elementary School)
Local Beggar Takes Credit Cards, Makes a Killing
“If people say they don’t have any change, I tell them, ‘Not a problem!’ Then I whip out the credit card machine,” said Murray.
Carbolic Flashback: December 6, 1941: “The Only Thing We Have to Fear From the Japanese is Fear of the Japanese Itself”
The State Department is up to its usual shenanigans, concocting all manner of artifice to goad, cajole, wheedle and incite the gentle and peace-loving people of Japan into attacking the United States of America. Less than two weeks ago, our Secretary of State Cordell Hull unilaterally demanded that the Japanese withdraw all their troops from China in an attempt to provoke a Japanese attack.
It won’t happen. The Japanese will, of course, never attack the United States of America, despite whatever geo-political legerdemain the State Department employs. You heard it here first.
I have studied the Japanese closely for many years, their quaint and inscrutable ways, and I am certain beyond any reasonable doubt that Japan would immediately drop any designs it has on mainland China if it meant militarily tangling with us. The fact of the matter is, the Japanese care not a whit about whether they lose face in the international community by backing down when pushed. Trust me on this one.
I am also thoroughly familiar with the Japanese military, and I am certain that they do not possess the capability of launching an attack on our Pacific fleet, and they know it. Moreover, I have personally met their Imperial General Hideki Tojo (he once gave me a recipe for raisin bread--true story), and I found him to be a fun-loving, gregarious man more concerned with peace than any so-called imperial designs.
No further exegesis on this point is warranted, since the thing the State Department seems bent on inciting simply is an impossibility.
Now, whether the Japanese should withdraw from China is another matter. No useful purpose would be served by responding to the self-serving blather of Secretary of State Cordell Hull’s November 26 note to the Japanese that demanded their complete withdrawal from mainland China. Japan has expended tremendous national resources to dominate China, and Hull would completely eviscerate all of that hard work. The domination Japan seeks is part and parcel of its larger expansionist interests, which may not be such a bad thing, truth be told.
But that is the subject of another editorial. For now, it is my opinion that the American people are bored to tears with this Japanese topic, and I will not bother them further with it.
New Horizons spacecraft 'distracted,' misses chance to photograph Pluto
CAPE CANAVERAL: NASA's New Horizons spacecraft botched its historic visit to Pluto, officials said, because it "got distracted" and "turned to look at a passing meteor," missing its one and only chance to get up-close photographs of the dwarf planet perched on the edge of the solar system.The compact spacecraft, launched almost a decade ago for the sole purpose of photographing Pluto, won't get a do-over, said NASA spokesman Noah Swayne.
"The damn thing is hurtling through space at 14km per second," said an angry Swayne. "Unfortunately, it was programmed by someone with an attention deficit disorder and it turned away at the worst possible moment." Swayne said that when the craft returns to earth, he will melt it down for scrap.
Obama urges Americans to make 'leap second' count
President Obama is urging Americans to "make that extra second count."
"This is a unique opportunity for America to use the leap second to make the world a better place," the president said.
"Use that time to call a gay friend and urge him to marry. Teach an undocumented immigrant how to read a book or a voting machine. Flick the switch to turn off coal-burning generators and other devices. Take down that Confederate flag--it only takes a second."
The president will take his "Make Leap Second Count" campaign to Seattle and Portland today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)