DICK SKRINJAR TELLS MEDIA, "IT'S BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL THIS MORNING"
MAYORAL SPOKESPERSON REPORTS TO RAVENSTAHL'S SUITE, ASSURES PUBLIC REPORTS OF HIS DEMOTION "JUST BIG MISUNDERSTANDING"
STEELERS' MASCOT NAMED . . .
INTRODUCING "HUNKY DOREY," THE PSYCHOPATH STEELER FAN WHO DRESSES IN THE GARB OF A STEELWORKER EVEN THOUGH ALL THE MILLS ARE CLOSED
ZOO’S YOUNG MALE ELEPHANTS HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT RECENT ANNOUNCEMENT
Dominant male is leaving the zoo, but females are leaving with him
HIGHLAND PARK -- There’s good news and bad news for three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Their romantic rival, Jackson, is leaving in the fall, but three new females from Philadelphia are going with him. They will be among the first residents of the new International Conservation Center in Somerset County.
The young males had previously complained that Jackson, a six-time father, would not stop bragging about his conquests (see story here). “Thank God we won’t have to listen to him anymore,” said Timbuk, who has acted as spokesman for the young males in the past. “Do they need any help building the building over in Somerset? I’m sure we’d all be willing to carry stuff for the construction workers. We’ll do anything to get him out of here faster.” Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the females are thrilled. “We’ve heard a lot of good things about Jackson,” Petal, the oldest female, said. “Word gets around, if you know what I mean. Bette and Callie [the two breeding-aged females] are already dreaming about him.” At 51, Petal is too old for breeding, but, “I’m not exactly dead, either. Maybe Jackson appreciates more mature females.”
Back in Pittsburgh, Timbuk says he realizes the remaining females may be a little depressed after Jackson’s gone. “Savannah and Moja will be pregnant until 2008, and the others will probably cry a lot at first. But eventually they’ll come around. Limited options work to our advantage.”
HIGHLAND PARK -- There’s good news and bad news for three young male elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Their romantic rival, Jackson, is leaving in the fall, but three new females from Philadelphia are going with him. They will be among the first residents of the new International Conservation Center in Somerset County.The young males had previously complained that Jackson, a six-time father, would not stop bragging about his conquests (see story here). “Thank God we won’t have to listen to him anymore,” said Timbuk, who has acted as spokesman for the young males in the past. “Do they need any help building the building over in Somerset? I’m sure we’d all be willing to carry stuff for the construction workers. We’ll do anything to get him out of here faster.” Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the females are thrilled. “We’ve heard a lot of good things about Jackson,” Petal, the oldest female, said. “Word gets around, if you know what I mean. Bette and Callie [the two breeding-aged females] are already dreaming about him.” At 51, Petal is too old for breeding, but, “I’m not exactly dead, either. Maybe Jackson appreciates more mature females.”
Back in Pittsburgh, Timbuk says he realizes the remaining females may be a little depressed after Jackson’s gone. “Savannah and Moja will be pregnant until 2008, and the others will probably cry a lot at first. But eventually they’ll come around. Limited options work to our advantage.”
TEXTING CHAMPION MORGAN POZGAR IN CUSTODY AFTER SENDING “MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE” TO GEORGE W. BUSH’S PERSONAL CELL PHONE
WASHINGTON, D.C. - 13-year-old Morgan Pozgar, of Claysburg, Pennsylvania, who took the text crown earlier this week in the LG National Text Messaging Championship in New York, is now in custody of the Office of Homeland Security after she sent a text message to President Bush’s personal cell phone last night which read, “XLNT. C U L8R. MOS.”White House intelligence officers immediately intercepted the call, explaining that even the president’s phone is not immune to government eavesdropping, and attempted decipher the message. A team of leading U.S. cryptographers -- some of whom have decoded Egyptian Hieroglyphics -- were brought in within the hour to try to solve the mysterious message.
“We will be working round the clock to figure out the meaning of this enigmatic word puzzle, but I’ll be damned, we’re pretty stumped. We’ve never seen anything like it. We are hoping that it turns out to be nothing, but we can’t take any chances. Our national security is at stake,” said one cryptanalyst.
Pozgar's parents have maintained her innocence, claiming the text message was sent in error, after she mistakenly typed in the District of Columbia’s 202 area code instead of 412, and that the intended recipient was another teenage girl from Southwestern Pennsylvania, whom she befriended at the competition. According to Pozgar, she was confirming a planned sleepover this weekend at the girl’s Ben Avon home.
Pozgar, who is said to be comfortable and well-fed in an undisclosed location, is reportedly suffering from severe cell phone withdrawal and guards say she has been begging them to allow her “just a few hits” on the keyboard. Pozgar had previously boasted of sending about 8,000 text messages per month to friends and relatives.
“These echo boomers. They can’t go ten minutes without some kind of fancy techno-gadget,” said internationally renowned sociologist Margaret Snead. “What are they going to do when the whole system goes 'kaboom!'? That’s what's got my granny pants in a bunch. We are going to have our work cut out for us, I have no doubt about that."
According to the latest Internet reports, the terror alert level still remains at "YLO."
PITTSBURGH ZOO'S RESIDENT ELEPHANTS LABEL THREE NEW PACHYDERMS FROM PHILADELPHIA 'THUGS' AND 'CRANKS'
STEEL CITY ELEPHANTS SAY PHILLY TRANSPLANTS THREW BATTERIES AT THEM, BOOED SANTA CLAUS
OSAMA BIN LADEN ACCEPTS INVITATION TO BE A PRESENTER AT THE DAY-TIME EMMY AWARDS
AL-QAEDA LEADER SAYS HE’S “LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING CAST OF GUIDING LIGHT”
ATTORNEY'S EIGHT-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GIVES "LOUSY" CLOSING ARGUMENT, LOSES PRODUCTS LIABILITY CASE FOR DAD ON "BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY"
PITTSBURGH - Local attorney Al Friedman said his eight-year old daughter Hannah is "solely responsible" for losing a major products liability case that Al was trying in an Allegheny County courtroom last Thursday, "Bring Your Child to Work Day." "Her closing argument to the jury was just awful," said a furious Al. "The whole case rested on a spoliation defense, and Hannah couldn't even pronounce the word. The jurors were tittering at her. Tittering!"
When the little girl finished her seven minute closing, which included handstands and hopping around on one foot, Judge Michael Musmanno pulled her aside. Mistaking her for an associate with her father's law firm, Musmanno offered friendly advice in a stage whisper: "It's not too late for you to go to medical school, you know."
The jury deliberated for just ten minutes and returned with a $4 million verdict against Friedman's client, Peerless Can Opener Company. Afterward, Judge Musmanno allowed the attorneys to interview the jurors, who unanimously attributed their verdict to Hannah's closing argument. Juror Sean Cannon of Shaler was typical: "I was in your corner until the very end, dude, but the little girl -- I mean, wow! She really stunk up the joint."
In retrospect, Al said it might have been a mistake giving Hannah so much responsibility so soon. "But it's good she got this one under her belt," he mused. "After all, next year she'll be nine, and who knows? She might be ready for an antitrust case."
YELTSIN LIES IN STATE AT STOLICHNAYA DISTILLERY
“IT’S NOT LIKE HE HASN’T BEEN ON HIS BACK IN HERE BEFORE” SAYS GRIEVING HEAD OF VODKA FACTORY
LEE HARVEY OSWALD HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE, SAYS SEUNG-HUI CHO'S 'TELL-ALL' VIDEO CONFESSION SHOWS 'NO SELF-RESPECT'
JFK KILLER CONTRASTS "BRAGGART" CHO WITH HIS OWN STEADFAST DENIALS OF GUILT
BENGALS LOOK TO THE BIG HOUSE
CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Bengals are planning to bypass much of the college football talent available in this year's NFL draft and instead focus on prospects from the prison and court systems. "Team chemistry is important" said team owner Mike Brown. "Both the coaching staff and the criminal justice system feel that the Bengals are something special and we want to keep that going." Brown says the team has been focusing on areas where rookies can come in and contribute right away: "armed robbery, battery, domestic assault and of course, we need a big time drug dealer." (Shown above are prospects arriving at the Bengals' training facility for a pre-draft combine.)
In other news, the Bengals have reportedly added Tyrone Smith to their administrative staff as Bail-Bondsman. Smith was previously Bail-Bondsman for the Oakland Raiders.
In other news, the Bengals have reportedly added Tyrone Smith to their administrative staff as Bail-Bondsman. Smith was previously Bail-Bondsman for the Oakland Raiders.
ROSIE O'DONNELL, BOOTED FROM 'THE VIEW,' GOES ON NYC RAMPAGE
Army, Air Force battle angry, giant comedian
BORIS YELTSIN'S BODY GOES ON PERMANENT DISPLAY NEXT TO LENIN'S IN RED SQUARE
UNDERTAKER SAYS NOTHING NEEDED TO PRESERVE BODY SINCE YELTSIN HAS BEEN EMBALMING HIMSELF FOR YEARS
WHITE HOUSE ATTRIBUTES GONZALES' INABILITY TO RECALL AT CONGRESSIONAL HEARING TO COCONUT CONK ON HEAD
BUSH WILL ATTEMPT TO RESTORE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S MEMORY WITH SECOND BLOW TO HEAD, BORROWING FROM EPISODE OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
DONATIONS TO THIS YEAR'S CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL TELETHON TO DEFRAY COST OF UPMC'S MOVE TO US STEEL TOWER
CEO JEFF ROMOFF: "THE KIDS HAVE BEEN TELLING ME FOR YEARS WE OUGHT TO MOVE INTO PLUSH OFFICES IN THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. SO THIS MOVE IS REALLY FOR THEM."
COMPANY GETS RICH PUBLISHING PHYSICIAN WAITING ROOM MAGAZINES THAT ONLY APPEAR TO BE OUTDATED
NEW YORK - If you've ever tried to kill time in your doctor's waiting room by reading magazines that seemed to be several months old, chances are those magazines were, in fact, brand new.Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati is the world's largest publisher of seemingly outdated, brand-name magazines exclusively for doctors' waiting rooms. "It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old," said Pyramid's CEO Benjamin Cardozo. "We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing."
Pyramid has seen its business of selling new "old" magazines quadruple in the past five years. "I can't print new 'old' magazines fast enough," said Cardozo. The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated? Cardozo explained that there are two reasons. "First, is theft. Up-to-date magazines wouldn't last more than a day or two before someone 'borrowed' them. Second, patients have come to expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with magazines that appear to be new is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it's a trust issue."
Cardozo says that some physicians pay a little more to have Pyramid simulate an address label that appears to have been removed to obscure the address. "This gives the illusion that the doctor cares enough about his or her patients to actually bring magazines from home," says Cardozo.
GONZALES RECOVERS FROM AMNESIA; WILL STAY ON
WASHINGTON -- A Justice Department spokesman told reporters this morning that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has made a complete recovery from his incidents of memory loss and amnesia. The recovery has been characterized by his doctors as “nothing short of a miracle.”
Clearly overjoyed by the news, acting White House press secretary Dana Perino told reporters that “Alberto [Gonzales] will stay on as Attorney General." Perino added that “even the President has experienced large gaps of memory loss over a period of years, but it has not prevented him from serving the people of this great nation.”
Moments after Perino finished addressing reporters, Gonzales entered the room for a photo session at which he clearly remembered the President.
“They thought that I would never remember anything again,” said Gonzales. "But thanks to the prayers of this administration and the American people, except for a few personnel meetings last year, I can now remember everything, and I am ready to serve.”
EARTH DAY RECAP: TANKER LOADED WITH OIL, PESTICIDE, INSECTICIDE, NUCLEAR WASTE RAMS RACHEL CARSON BRIDGE, SINKS
PITTSBURGH - A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge Sunday morning. “The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes. There are reports the captain of the vessel was traveling at a high rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns. Phone calls to the Chem-Lawn Warehouse were not returned.
The incident occurred a year to the day the Ninth Street Bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the local woman whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Two” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues. The renaming was consistent with Western Pennsylvania's official policy of only renaming structures for Pittsburghers who fled the city prior to or upon achieving fame.
Allegheny County River Force Chairman John Craig said the effects of the spill on fish and plant life along the river would be “devastating.”
“Even worse,” Craig added, “We now have to be concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms, you know what I'm talking about," he winked.
In an effort to calm a jittery public, Mayor Ravenstahl asked Police Chief Nate Harper to institute riverfront police patrols in an effort to thwart potential riverfront assaults on citizens from any homicidal Monster-Fish that may emerge from the water. Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.
ERNEST ANGLEY HEALS MAN'S CONCUSSION BROUGHT ON WHEN ANGLEY 'HEALED' HIM BY SMACKING HIM ON FOREHEAD
CUYAHOGA FALLS, Ohio - Last Saturday evening, 24-year old Noah Swayne decided to impress his girlfriend so he attended a healing service with her at Grace Cathedral in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, presided over by the Rev. Ernest Angley, the stocky, toupee-wearing televangelist from rural North Carolina who sounds like a cross between Lawrence Welk and Gomer Pyle.The first part of the service consisted of Angley conducting a 40-minute collection. "Everyone say, 'Lord, tell me what to give in this offering tonight,'" Angley implored the crowd. "Wouldn't you rather give your money to God," he bellowed, "than to doctors and drugstores?" Swayne wondered to himself, if all the money goes to God, where does God do his banking, and how large must those accounts be?
Swayne's girlfriend insisted he participate in the healing ceremony to cure a back injury suffered doing construction. This is always the highlight of Angley's services where he lays hands on the afflicted to cast out their various illnesses. Swayne reluctantly took his place in line amidst a cavalcade of neck braces, slings and crutches. When it was his turn, the preacher seized Swayne by the shoulders and with a shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" smacked him in the forehead with a force at least equivalent to the blow that felled Saint Paul at Damascus. With knees locked, Swayne fell backward in what appeared to be a holy swoon, directly into the arms of one of Angley's burly bouncers. Angley chortled: "He felt that, all right."
In fact, the blow rendered Swayne unconscious. After several minutes of Swayne lying on the floor, even Angley thought he was overacting. "Move him out of here," the preacher said to a bouncer, sotto voce. Swayne was carried to the back of the church where a crowd of believers gathered around him, realizing something was wrong. A wheelchair-bound man jumped up and dashed over to help. "I was an Army medic," he said. "Someone should call an ambulance."
That suggestion was met with icy glares. The rest of the believers knew instantly there was only one cure possible. They placed Swayne on a gurney, and back in line they carried him to be healed. Several of the "afflicted" allowed Swayne's entourage to cut ahead, and when they approached Angley, the preacher gave no indication he recognized Swayne. The great man leaned over to Swayne's left ear and slowly shouted, "Can you say 'bay-bay?'" Rarely had northeast Ohio ever heard the word "baby" pronounced in this manner. Angley repeated even louder, "Can you say, 'bay-bay?'" Swayne was motionless. Then Angley seized him by the head and spoke in a language no one from these parts, or likely any other parts, had ever heard. Then came the shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" and yet another blow to the forehead. Angley slumped into a chair as if all the energy had been zapped from his body.
Suddenly, Swayne's eyes opened, and he rose from the gurney. His back felt better, too.
Swayne's girlfriend clutched his arm and guided him toward the exit. "Aren't you glad I made you go up?" she gushed. Swayne spun his head around on his way out of church, fixating on Angley's toupee, and wondering what to make of the evening.
THIEVES OF MUNCH'S MASTERPIECE "THE SCREAM" SENTENCED TO PRISON
HERE IS ONE OF THE THIEVES IN PRISON SHOWER
MADONNA FIGHTS FOR ORPHANS
MALAWI - What should have been a peaceful visit to a cash-strapped orphanage was marred when fighting erupted between Madonna and Sally Struthers in Malawi. Then Madonna and her entourage arrived, "just to browse," Struthers accused Madonna of using her pop star status to strip the impoverished continent of starving children. The shouting escalated as the two Americans nearly tore a three-year-old boy in half, then fought viciously over who was "the better humanitarian."
Clearly overmatched against the massive Struthers, Madonna quickly switched to a southpaw stance and kept Struthers at bay with a series of stinging jabs. It appeared almost certain that the pop star's superior conditioning would carry the fight. But then Struthers backed Madonna into a mud hut and took over the match with a pile driver in the hard-packed dirt that knocked the material girl senseless. Struthers then pancaked Madonna and the bout was over. Pandemonium ensued as Struthers hurled folding chairs at members of Madonna's entourage as they attempted to pull her to safety.
Spokeswomen for both parties say they do not anticipate a rematch, although Struthers has said she would be willing to fight George Foreman in Kinshasa, Zaire later this year for Rumble in the Jungle II, "if the money's right."
Spokeswomen for both parties say they do not anticipate a rematch, although Struthers has said she would be willing to fight George Foreman in Kinshasa, Zaire later this year for Rumble in the Jungle II, "if the money's right."
MAYOR ANNOUNCES FORMATION OF NEW "GERITOL PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" FOR RESIDENTS 65 AND OLDER
LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS AS SOON AS HE THINKS OF CLEVER NAMES FOR OTHER AGE GROUPS YET TO BE REPRESENTED IN HIS MASTER PLAN TO RETAIN PITTSBURGHERS, HE WILL FORM MORE COMMISSIONS
Seniors at Carnegie Library in Oakland work on detailed reports for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl on their initiative to retain the elderly. According to spokesperson Elizabeth Henrietta, the group has accomplished more in one afternoon than the coveted "40 and under" leagues have in five years. "Unless you count keeping the local bars in business," she chuckled
COCA-COLA COMPANY REFORMULATES SECRET RECIPE FOR BOTTLED WATER
FOOD SCIENTISTS REVERSE-ENGINEER CLOSELY GUARDED NEW FORMULA, DETERMINE IT IS TWO PARTS HYDROGEN TO ONE PART OXYGENATLANTA - Twenty-two years to the day that Coca-Cola introduced the reformulated version of its flagship soft drink and called it "New Coke," the Coca-Cola Company today announced that after extensive market research, it has reformulated "Dasani," its popular bottled water brand.
"Our field taste tests revealed that 'New Dasani' overwhelmingly beat both the original 'Dasani' and tap water from Pittsburgh," joked E. Neville Isdell, Chairman of the Coca-Cola Company, at a gala rollout celebration held, fittingly enough, at Fallingwater, the Frank Lloyd Wright designed house built over a waterfall in Western Pennsylvania. Isdell explained that the company selected April 23 for the premiere to commemorate the "electrifying reaction" to "New Coke" twenty-two years ago.
Independent food scientists reverse-engineered the new formula, a closely held trade secret known only to a few employees of the company, and claim they've determined it consists of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. But Isdell warned amateur sleuths not to try this. "If they accidentally split one of those hydrogen atoms, we could have a nuclear cataclysm," Isdell said.
AMERICAN SPACE TOURIST FURIOUS WHEN HE LEARNS HE DIDN'T GET BEST FARE
MOSCOW - Charles Simonyi, the American billionaire who paid $25 million to journey into space on a Russian spacecraft, is furious after learning that the passenger next to him paid a small fraction of that amount because he booked his flight on line.
CROSBY SAYS BROKEN FOOT 'ONLY A FLESH WOUND,' WILL KEEP IT BROKEN FOR NEXT SEASON
PITTSBURGH -- NHL scoring champion Sidney Crosby played the final 2 1/2 weeks of the regular season and the playoffs with a broken left foot, an injury the Pittsburgh Penguins star didn't disclose until Saturday.
Crosby said he's intent on proving that he is "the greatest player in the history of the game" by playing all next season with a broken foot. He said he will not allow the foot completely heal but will continually break it. "I'll take a sledge hammer to it and keep it in a constant broken state." As he was speaking, Crosby pulled out a small hatchet and chopped off a toe on his good foot, the right one. He used a towel to stop the bleeding and continued the interview as if nothing had happened. His only reference to this act of mayhem was to apologize for using the towel. "The arena doesn't like it when I get blood all over their locker room."
"I might even break both feet while I'm at it," the 19-year old superstar said. "I'm also thinking of gouging out one of my eyes," he winked.
Crosby said he's intent on proving that he is "the greatest player in the history of the game" by playing all next season with a broken foot. He said he will not allow the foot completely heal but will continually break it. "I'll take a sledge hammer to it and keep it in a constant broken state." As he was speaking, Crosby pulled out a small hatchet and chopped off a toe on his good foot, the right one. He used a towel to stop the bleeding and continued the interview as if nothing had happened. His only reference to this act of mayhem was to apologize for using the towel. "The arena doesn't like it when I get blood all over their locker room."
"I might even break both feet while I'm at it," the 19-year old superstar said. "I'm also thinking of gouging out one of my eyes," he winked.
"PRODUCERS" ENDS HISTORIC BROADWAY RUN
MEL BROOKS FACES CRIMINAL CHARGES AS NUMEROUS INVESTORS STEP FORWARD, EACH CLAIMING THEY OWN 100% OF SHOW
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