EDITORIAL: GREEDY, SON OF A BITCH CARPETBAGGER LEMIEUX SELLS OUT TO FOREIGNER WHO DOES NOT RESPECT OUR LAWS

I hope you're happy, you greedy, son of a bitch-carpetbagger, Mario Lemieux.

You swooped into town twenty-two years ago from the forbidding frozen north to make your fortune in Pittsburgh, and then, after wringing your bread from the sweat of other men's faces, you abandon us at the first opportunity to make even more money.

Worst of all, you sold out to one of your compadres, if you will, another refugee from the tundra looking to make a killing in the land of opportunity.

You sold out to another Canadian.

Jim Balsillie is chairman of an Ontario company called Research in Motion that has also made a killing in the U.S. by selling a device inaptly called a "BlackBerry." Mr. Balsillie and his company have a little dark secret they probably don't want Penguins fans to know.

You see, they were just involved in contentious, drawn-out litigation that overtaxed the precious resources of our American judicial system, at a cost borne solely by you and me, Mr. and Ms. U.S. Taxpayer. The company with whom these foreigners tangled was a legitimate American company called NTP, Inc., and in this lawsuit, Balsillie/Research in Motion tried to invalidate NTP's wireless email patents.

The case eventually settled out of court, but before the interloper from Ontario, Mr. Balsillie, could slink back to the arctic he made sure to take a parting jab at our legal system. Balsillie proceeded to chronicle several putative "flaws" with the U.S. patent system. There are, sniffed legal expert Balsillie, too many "bogus" patents issued in the U.S.

Come again? Too many "bogus patents"? What exactly does this foreigner know about the most advanced legal system ever devised?

Do you, Mr. Balsillie, even have the first idea how to string cite a cluster of redundant and unnecessary precedents in a Supreme Court brief?

I thought not.

So this is the man to whom Mario Lemieux entrusts the Pittsburgh Penguins. A man who lives and works on foreign soil yet gets rich off of Americans; a man who sues legitimate American companies and forces us to pay for his battle; a man who challenges our legitimate laws.

Take your money, you damn carpetbagger Lemieux. We'll fend off this awful, awful man by ourselves After twenty-two years you've finally shown us your true colors, and they aren't pretty.

You son of a bitch.

BLACKBERRY TEXT MESSAGING PIONEER TO BUY PENGUINS

"KEEP THE TEAM IN PITTSBURGH? WTF!" BASILLIE SAID. "NFW! NFW!"

WATERLOO, Ontario - Jim Basillie, Chairman of Research in Motion, the company that makes the BlackBerry wireless device, is buying the Penguins for an undisclosed amount.

This news source asked Basillie for an interview, and the text messaging pioneer suggested a face-to-face meeting so that he could provide detailed responses to our inquiries. Our reporter traveled to Ontario and met with Basillie in his office Wednesday night.

We asked Basillie if he planned to keep the team in Pittsburgh, and he responded: “WTF! Did you say Pittsburgh? ROTF! NFW! NFW.”

We asked Basillie if he is married. "G/f," he responded.

We asked him if he had a game plan to improve the team in the foreseeable future. He said: "IMO, NFW."

Would there be any changes at all that the average fan would notice when he took over? "SOS," he replied.

After two minutes and ten seconds, our reporter rose and thanked Basillie for his time. Basillie shook his hand. "THX," he said. "TTFN."

LATEST SANTORUM CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL JUST SENATOR SCREAMING AT CAMERA FOR SIXTY SECONDS

PITTSBURGH - Senator Rick Santorum began running a one minute commercial yesterday on all three local stations that, in the words of his media director, John Brabender, depicts him “as a regular guy” speaking with “a passionate voice” about “the issues that matter most to the people of Western Pennsylvania.”

The commercial shows Senator Santorum, his face painted half-black, half-gold, seated at a wooden table with his hands folded. Speaking directly to the camera, Santorum begins chanting “Fred-dee, Fred-dee” for fifteen seconds, in apparent homage to National League Batting Champion and Pirate third baseman Freddy Sanchez.

“Furthermore,” he adds, before delivering a full-throated, “Here we go Steelers, here we go!” for another fifteen seconds. “And finally” he says, concluding with a lusty, but off-key “I’ve got a feeling, Pittsburgh’s going to the Super Bowl!”

The spot ends with Santorum denouncing Cleveland as a city filled with Sodomites, and berating Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer for an alleged attraction to barnyard animals.

Brabender said the commercials have had an immediate, positive impact on Santorum’s re-election campaign. “We’ve been able to show, through this commercial, that just because Rick is working in Washington, he’s not out of touch with his constituents.”

The latest Quinnipiac University poll, taken minutes after the commercial first aired, now shows Senator Santorum with a ninety-point lead among all registered sports fans in Allegheny, Beaver, Fayette, Washington and Westmoreland counties.

COLCLOUGH LISTED AS QUESTIONABLE FOR CHARGER GAME WITH NECK INJURY, COWHER APOLOGIZES FOR CHOKING HIM

PITTSBURGH - Steelers Coach Bill Cowher made a surprise addition to the injury report for Sunday’s game against the San Diego Chargers when he listed defensive back Ricardo Colclough as “questionable.”

Virtually every player on the team has been sidelined the past several days with illness. "Practically the entire team has caught a bug," said Coach Bill Cowher. "Except the receivers, who can't catch anything." But Colclough was considered fine until today.

Colclough fumbled a punt in the fourth quarter of the Steelers' last game against Cincinnati. The miscue led to a Bengals touchdown, and was widely considered the turning point in a winnable game that the Steelers ended up losing.

Speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference, Cowher said Colclough's injury was “a freak thing” that could have been caused by “any number of factors." The coach added matter-of-factly: "But it was probably the result of me choking him.”

When asked about the incident, Cowher offered the following explanation: “I know that after the last game I said that nobody felt worse than Ricardo about fumbling that punt and costing us the game. But after reflecting on the matter during our bye week, I was forced to conclude that there was somebody who felt worse than Ricardo. And that somebody was me.”

Cowher said he has always taken a hands-on approach to coaching, but that this was the first time this approach resulted in a player losing consciousness.

“I just wanted Ricardo to know that when you hold on to something, you can’t let it slip out of your grasp,” said Cowher. “I realize now that I should have used a football to illustrate my point instead of his Adam’s apple.”

TEEN PAGE UNDER FIRE: REP. FOLEY'S LURID TEXT MESSAGES TO BOY WARNED OF IMMINENT AL-QAIDA ATTACK BEFORE 9/11, BUT BOY DID NOTHING

BUSH ADMINISTRATION BLAMES TEEN FOR "DROPPING THE BALL" ON 9/11: "THAT BOY OBVIOUSLY HATES FREEDOM," SAYS VEEP CHENEY

WASHINGTON - The Congressional teen page who received sexually explicit instant messages from former Congressman Mark Foley, R-Fla. finds himself deeper in controversy today because it was revealed that two months before the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center, Foley's message texts warned the page of an imminent attack on New York City by al-Qaida.

One of Foley's messages to the teen read: "[A]l-qaida set to attack NYC . . . are you naked?"

The young page took no action in response to the warning.

Members of the Bush administration are demanding the page's resignation. "If you want to know who really dropped the ball on 9/11," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "it wasn't the Bush adminstration. It was this page, who obviously hates freedom."

UPMC BUYS FINANCIALLY TROUBLED PITTSBURGH BREWING COMPANY

HOSPITAL PLANS SPECIAL WING WHERE CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER WILL BE BOTH CAUSED AND CURED

NEW BOOK: KISSINGER IS BACK AS ADVISOR TO PRESIDENT, BUT WITH UPDATED IMAGE: DUMPS GERMAN ACCENT, EMBRACES HIP-HOP

WASHINGTON - Journalist Bob Woodward's latest book, State of Denial, drops the bombshell that former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is back in Washington on a regular basis advising President Bush and Vice President Cheney on the Iraq war. While Woodward reports that Kissinger, 83, is beating the same tired drum he sounded in the Vietnam war -- that victory is the only meaningful exit strategy -- Kissinger, personally, has had an extreme makeover.

"I don't know how else to say this, but he's gone hip-hop," said Vice President Cheney. "He dresses like a gangsta rapper. He comes strutting into the White House boasting in rhyme about weapons, crimes and violence. It's a little off-putting and, frankly, pathetic."

Cheney recounted one recent visit to the oval office when Kissinger "rode the President unmercifully." Showing off the garish chains around his neck, Kissinger poked Bush in the chest and bellowed. "How you like my bling bling, chump? You my dog! I ain't dissin' you, chump, because you my dog." When an attractive secretary entered the room, Kissinger zeroed-in on her. "Look at dat -- man, she really wack."

Cheney took a deep breath. "Wow! I don't know what to say about that. But I would imagine that a real 'gangsta rapper' wouldn't know what that's supposed to be." Asked how Kissinger's former boss, Richar Nixon, would feel, Cheney sighed. "Let's just say that I bet there are rumblings from within a certain Yorba Linda [California] grave right about now."

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE DEALS SANCHEZ FOR McCLENDON

PITTSBURGH - Pirate's General Manager Dave Littlefield announced a complex three-way trade yesterday with the Chicago Cubs and Detroit Tigers that, when reduced to its essence, trades National League batting champ Freddy Sanchez for bullpen coach Lloyd McClendon. Sanchez is being sent to Chicago; the Cubs are sending a minor league player to the Tigers; and the Tigers are sending bullpen coach and former Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon to Pittsburgh. Littlefield said that the trade will serve to boost the "woeful" batting average of the Cubs, who "were a disgrace to the Central Division, falling behind the Pirates." In addition, the trade eases the Pirates' salary concerns, especially for the future because "we're not going to be able to keep paying Freddy peanuts forever, you know." Most important, Littlefield said, "we get a known quantity to sit in our bullpen and help our young relievers learn the McClendon approach to the game."

TO THE PEOPLE OF DETROIT:

IN CASE NO ONE TOLD YOU, HE WILL TAKE YOU JUST SO FAR, THEN HE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART

Dan Quayle weighs in on side of Atlanta in Russia-Georgia stand-off

WASHINGTON - Former Vice President Dan Quayle weighed in on the side of Georgia in the wake of news that Georgia was handing over to Russia four Russian officers accused of spying. "Russia’s placement of its soldiers in the Atlanta metropolitan area raises national security alarms for us all,” Quayle said. "This is so despite the absence of the Braves from post-season play for the first time in recent memory."

PENS WILL RETIRE LEMIEUX’S ATHLETIC SUPPORTER, JOCK TO BE RAISED TO RAFTERS BEFORE HOME OPENER

PITTSBURGH - Penguins General Manager Ray Shero said the team would honor Mario Lemieux by retiring his athletic supporter in a pre-game ceremony before Thursday’s home opener against Philadelphia.

The Penguins have asked all fans attending the game to be in their seats thirty minutes before the puck drops on the 2006-2007 season. Each fan in attendance will receive a miniature souvenir replica of Mario's jock.

“The athletic supporter is the cornerstone of every uniform, just as Mario has been the cornerstone of this franchise,” said Shero. “I can think of no more fitting tribute to Mario than to hang his jockstrap from the rafters of Mellon Arena.”

Through a spokesman, Lemieux said he “was humbled” by the honor. “As you know, I’m a very private person, so retiring the article of clothing that protected my privates for my entire career seems appropriate,” he said.

Lemieux also said he was grateful that whenever he visits the building he would be able to look above him and see the jockstrap that had served him so well. “I’m sure when I see that jock hanging up there, beside my skates, shirt, socks, helmet, stick, undershirt, and gloves, it’s going to be pretty emotional,” he said.

Details of the ceremony are still being finalized, but Shero said it would include a brief highlight reel of Mario’s jock, the raising of the jock and laser show, followed by testimonials from NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and the CEO of Russell Athletic Equipment.

CHANGES APLENTY ON FIRST MONDAY IN OCTOBER: SUPREME COURT ALLOWS ADVERTISING ON ROBES; FIRST UP: JUSTICES DON STEELER BLACK AND GOLD

WASHINGTON - At the start of the Supreme Court's term on the first Monday in October, and in a marked departure from his predecessor, Chief Justice John Roberts announced that the Court will allow advertisements on its Justices' robes, but not for any person or business that currently has a case pending before the Court.

The first ads, fittingly enough for the defending Super Bowl champions, will be for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Roberts declared yesterday "Black and Gold Day" at the United States Supreme Court. All of the justices donned ceremonial Terrible Towels over the traditional black robes worn since the inception of the court over two hundred years ago.

While this is the first time the Court has accepted payment to change its look, it was not be the first time the Court has altered its wardrobe. During one session in 1967, Chief Justice Earl Warren insisted his colleagues wear paisley robes in an attempt to "bridge the [generation] gap between old and new members of the bar." In 1977, Chief Justice Warren Burger briefly dispensed with the traditional silk fabric in favor of the polyester leisure robe, but when the full court determined that the framers of the constitution would abhor the wide lapel, the leisure robe was consigned to the storage closet of history.

Dan Rooney, Chairman of the Pittsburgh Steelers, presented Chief Justice Roberts a check for the ads at a "tailgate party" in Roberts' driveway on Sunday. Five other NFL teams are following suit in upcoming weeks. Roberts announced that in honor of the Court's new association with the NFL, the filing of Petitions for Certiorari in the Court is no longer necessary. "In the style of the NFL," Roberts explained, "an aggrieved party need simply throw a red flag on the floor of the Supreme Court Building; this will be sufficient to ensure review in our court."

Roberts also announced that next Friday, three of the Justices will don jerseys saying "Uni," "Roy," and "Al" in an advertisement for Uniroyal.

Listen to News from The Carbolic Smoke Ball on line

JUDGE PECKHAM REVEALS HIS FOUR RULES FOR BEING A GREAT LAWYER

The following are the four most important rules I learned during my years of practicing law. If you follow them, I guarantee you that your practice will thrive:

(1) If the other side likes you, you're not doing your job. (In my best cases, I realized I was doing a great job only when I got to the point that I even hated myself.)

(2) Always blame Buffalo. (When dealing with an opponent, just claim: “I can’t do this deal, the home office in Buffalo won’t allow it.” Or, “Buffalo is stopping me”; “Buffalo says no.” Everyone should have a Buffalo!)

(3) Always use up the client's retainer before settling a case. (This rule is perhaps the most important of all.)

(4) Never allow a dog in the house whose genitalia is substantially more impressive than your own. (This rule speaks for itself.)

UPMC ACQUIRES MERCY HOSPITAL

HEALTHCARE BEHEMOTH VOWS NO CUTS IN CHARITY CARE FOR DOWNTRODDEN AT MERCY, "PROVIDED THE DOWNTRODDEN CAN PAY"

WE THANK ALL THE WONDERFUL FOLKS WHO SEND US FAN MAIL

McClatchy says Pirates' payroll is not the key to success, and "winning doesn't matter, either."

WHAT DID THOSE YELLOW SIGNS SAY AT FRIDAY'S PIRATES' GAME?

CLOSE UP VIEW:

TRIBUNE-REVIEW REPORTER WINS PULITZER PRIZE, RECEIVES OWN PARKING SPACE IN TRIBUNE LOT

NEW YORK - Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reporter David Conti was awarded a Pulitzer Prize last night following an emergency session of the Pulitzer Prize Board, beating the combined staffs of The Sun-Herald of Biloxi, Mississippi and The Times-Picayune of New Orleans covering Hurricane Katrina. Conti’s submission, a profile of The Carbolic Smoke Ball published yesterday afternoon, won the Pulitzer for Public Service and Breaking News Reporting.

The Pulitzer Prize Board issued a written statement recognizing "the really top-notch, grade A'" quality of the work produced by the Sun-Herald and Times-Picayune, but said Conti’s piece was far more significant. "Without David’s illuminating piece on these highly dedicated humorists, toiling daily in the oppressive, soul-destroying world of the blogosphere, struggling to scratch out a laugh or two, all the while maintaining a secret identity so as not to compromise their effectiveness as crimefighters, they would have remained anonymous, unread, and unappreciated. And that would have been a far greater disaster for the American people than any Category Five Hurricane could ever inflict."

Conti received his gold medal at an emergency awards ceremony held at The Waldorf Astoria. After presenting Conti with his award, Master of Ceremonies Maury Povich read a congratulatory telegram from Tribune-Review publisher Richard Mellon Scaife. In the telegram, Scaife informed Mr. Conti that, as a token of his appreciation, "effective immediately," Conti would receive his own parking space in the lot adjacent to The Tribune Building on Pittsburgh’s North Side.

Conti said he was humbled by his selection. When asked what he planned to do with his gold medal, he smiled. "I think I’ll wear it around my neck for a while," he said.

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON FRONT PAGE OF YESTERDAY'S TRIB P.M. AND IN TODAYS TRIBUNE-REVIEW

Faithful readers of this Web site know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, there would be precious little time to ferret out injustice. We make an exception for the story by star reporter David Conti that landed on the front page and all of page 3 of the Trib P.M. yesterday afternoon and in today's Tribune-Review in Section B: WHO'S BEHIND THE FAKE NEWS?

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN . . .

FEBRUARY 24, 2006: AFTER THIRD MIRACLE IS ATTRIBUTED TO HIM, JEROME BETTIS IS CANONIZED AT VATICAN CITY:


SEPTEMBER 28, 2006: JEROME BETTIS HAS BIT PART ON NBC COMEDY "THE OFFICE" PLAYING STRAIGHT-MAN:

SEPTEMBER 28, 2006: CARL SANDBURG WAS RIGHT

"SOMETIME THEY'LL GIVE A BALLGAME AND NOBODY WILL COME"

MAYOR TELLS CITY'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL TO TAKE A HIKE

DOM COSTA RETIRING

Mayor Ravenstahl and Police Chief Dom Costa in happier times.

JOEY PORTER'S DOGS HIRE ATTORNEY JIM ECKER TO REPRESENT THEM

PITTSBURGH - Attorney Jim Ecker held a news conference on the steps of the Allegheny County Courthouse this morning to announce that he was representing Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter's dogs. Ecker appeared with both of his new clients, holding the pit bull and the mastiff on separate leashes.

The dogs are the primary suspects in a high-profile miniature horse homicide that occurred last week in Pine Township. Both dogs were sent to a California kennel immediately following the incident. They were returned following a hearing in Marin County Municipal Court after Allegheny County District Attorney Steven Zappala requested their extradition last Friday.

Ecker has often been accused of muzzling his clients, preferring to make all public statements. This morning was no exception, although it was the first time in memory that Ecker’s clients appeared with him actually wearing muzzles. "First of all, let me say that I haven't talked to my clients yet but they are innocent of all charges," said Ecker, pulling against the leashes in an attempt to restrain the dogs. "And they strongly resent the way they have been portrayed by the media." As he continued berating the members of the press for the "simplistic, sensationalistic and seamy" way they have portrayed the dogs, he slowly began leaning backward until by the end of his harangue he was nearly horizontal with his snarling clients. Digging his heels into the ground for traction, Ecker, who was now visibly sweating, said both dogs "looked forward to the opportunity to present their side of the story." He predicted they would be "completely exonerated" and "back doing the normal things dogs do in no time." A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Friday.

TERRELL OWENS' PHYSICIAN, DR. JACK KEVORKIAN, DENIES THAT OWENS TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE

DALLAS - Dr. Jack Kervorkian, physician to Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, held a news conference this afternoon during which he sadly denied a police report that Owens attempted suicide.

"Terrell merely had an allergic reaction when he ingested potentially lethal amounts of painkillers," Kervorkian said.

Pointing to Dr. Kevorkian, Owens said, "Dr. Death here speaks the truth."

Cyril Wecht trots out his standard visual aid to show how Anna Nicole Smith's son died of drug overdose

TOMORROW: CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON THE AIR -- DVE MORNING SHOW

Tune in to the WDVE 102.5 FM tomorrow, after 9:00 a.m., as Carbolic Smoke Ball visits the Morning Show. If our segment is not the best written in the history of that show, I promise that I will return the $2 million stipend.

In addition, I have learned from some members of my staff that the Tribune-Review has been asking a lot of questions about me, so keep an eye out for a story.

KDKA RADIO TO EXHUME REGE CORDIC TO HOST MORNING SHOW

"THIS WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME THAT [KDKA] HAS USED DECEASED ON-AIR TALENT TO BOOST ITS SAGGING RATINGS: BILL BURNS DID THE NOON NEWS FOR THREE YEARS AFTER HE DIED."

PITTSBURGH - KDKA thinks it has found the solution to its sagging morning show ratings in, of all the unlikely places, Hollywood's fabled Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Rege Cordic, legendary Pittsburgh broadcaster who ruled Steel City morning radio from 1954 to 1965 with an 85 share at his peak, has been dead since 1999. But that didn't stop stop KDKA's general manager Michael Young from bringing him back.

"It was time," Young said. "There's a whole generation of listeners who've never heard Rege's classic fake advertisements for Olde Frothingslosh, 'the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom.' Granted, it's not especially funny anymore, if it ever was, but I'm counting on Rege to come up with something innovative. He's a proven winner."

Young contacted Cordic's widow and, in his words, "basically wrote her a blank check." Mrs. Cordic exclaimed: "Let the disinterment begin!"

And KDKA isn't stopping there. It's pulling out all the stops to regain its morning drive-time supremacy. Cordic's corpse will be teamed with another popular former morning host, John Cigna.

Cigna issued a written statement: "Oh, I want to tell you, working with Rege is like, I mean, that's, wow! Hmm! I mean, that's really . . . I want to tell you . . . ."

Young says that teaming Cordic with Cigna "will be a match made in zanyville heaven." Late newscaster Ed Schaughency "likely" will be disinterred to do the news, Young said.

A KDKA executive revealed that this won't be the first time KDKA has trotted out deceased on-air talent to boost the station's moribund ratings. "Bill Burns was dead three years and still hosting the noon news," the executive explained. "Near the end, it was a real trick keeping the body intact, but the producer pulled it off."

Addendum: Mr. Young's office called with a correction to this story. He would like his title to read as follows: Senior vice president and general manager of KDKA Newsradio.

STEELERS SIGN SALLY WIGGIN, NEWSCASTER TO RETURN PUNTS AND KICKS

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers took a major step towards improving their special teams play yesterday when they signed WTAE anchorwoman Sally Wiggin to a contract for the duration of the 2006-2007 NFL season.

Wiggin will join the team for practice this morning.

Coach Bill Cowher announced at his weekly press conference that Wiggin will share time with rookie Santonio Holmes on the kick-off team, but that she alone will handle all punt return duties.

"What our special teams need right now is stability and dependability," said Cowher. "Sally gives us that." Cowher said the signing of Wiggin made perfect sense after he watched former return man Ricardo Colclough fumble a punt in the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s loss to the Cincinnati Bengals.

"Sally Wiggin has had her fingers on the pulse of this city for over twenty years and never relinquished her grip. I’m certain she’ll be able to hold on to a football." When Cowher was asked if he had discussed the matter with Colclough, he glared at his interlocutor. "Sally has been taking action for all of us for her entire career," he said. "Now, in addition to taking action, she’s taking Ricardo’s job."

Colclough was visibly distressed when told he was being replaced. "I’ve got enough service for my pension," he said. "Maybe I’ll just retire and concentrate on my business." Colclough is attempting to start a moving company for museums and galleries specializing in the transportation of priceless artifacts and glassware.

UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT AGREES TO HEAR TERRIBLE TOWEL BURNING CASE, RAVENSTAHL ASKS COUNCIL TO PASS TOWEL-BURNING BAN

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PHOTOGRAPH CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND IS NOT SUITABLE FOR PITTSBURGH CHILDREN UNDER 18

WASHINGTON - In a one sentence order released yesterday afternoon,the United States Supreme Court agreed to hear arguments in the case of Johnson v. Steelers Nation. The writ of certiorari filed by Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson asks the Court to vacate an Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas Order prohibiting him from setting fire to a Terrible Towel.

Johnson, acting as his own attorney, asserted that the order is an"unreasonable intrusion on his first amendment freedom of expression, as well as an unnecessary restriction on his Constitutional right to taunt, torment, and insult the citizens of Pittsburgh."

Minutes after receiving the news that Johnson's case would be heard, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl summoned City Council back to chambers for an emergency session. Ravenstahl introduced legislation making it a capital offense, punishable by death, to "defile, burn, desecrate, or do harm" to a Terrible Towel within ten miles of Heinz Field. The radius expands to fifty miles when the Steelers are playing a home game. Council passed the legislation on a unanimous vote in less than fifteen seconds, and Ravenstahl immediately signed it into law.

ACLU attorney Witold "Vic" Walczak predicted theTowel-burning ban would never withstand the lawsuits that his group, and others, will surely file. "If you're going to ban TerribleTowel-burning, where do you stop?" asked Walczak. "The Mona Lisa? The Shroud of Turin?"

The case will be heard during the Court's October session.

Whatever happened to Yarone Zober?

"Do you know who I used to be? Yarone Zober! I ran this city for twenty-six days!"

CASEY CAMPAIGN CRIES "PHOTOSHOP" AS NEW SANTORUM AD SHOWS CASEY HUGGING, HAVING DRINKS WITH VITO CORLEONE AND THE HEADS OF THE FIVE FAMILIES

DEMS CLAIM CORLEONE BEARS STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO LATE ACTOR MARLON BRANDO

STEELERS LOSE TO BENGALS, REGION IN STATE OF PANIC, RAVENSTAHL TO ADDRESS CITY TONIGHT

PITTSBURGH - Facing his first real crisis in office, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl will address the nervous residents of Pittsburgh with a televised city-wide address tonight asking people to remain calm in the face of two consecutive Steelers defeats. Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, meeting with reporters, said the Mayor and his cabinet had been in closed door sessions immediately following Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s game-ending interception that sealed the Bengal victory yesterday afternoon.

"At the conclusion of the game, the Mayor issued an executive order sealing off all bridges from pedestrian traffic in an attempt to reduce the number of jumpers," said Skrinjar. The bridges remain closed this morning. A temporary phone bank has been set up in the lobby of the City-County Building to offer grief counseling for distraught fans. In an effort to eliminate suicide by hanging, members of the police department are going door-to-door in all city neighborhoods confiscating ropes, neckties, bandanas, belts, scarves and shoelaces.

Skrinjar also announced that Mayor Ravenstahl has ordered the city’s General Services Department to release one million capsules of Prozac from the city’s Strategic Prozac Reserve for citywide distribution. The Strategic Prozac Reserve was established following the Steelers defeat in the 1994 AFC Championship game. "These are the times that try men’s souls," said Skrinjar.

LUKE RAVENSTAHL'S MOTHER SCOLDS HIM FOR GOING ALONG WITH OLDER BOYS ON CASINO LICENSE

"YOUNG MAN, JUST BECAUSE BILL LIEBERMAN FAVORS FOREST CITY'S STATION SQUARE PLAN, AND JUST BECAUSE BILL LIEBERMAN CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CAMPAIGN, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH HIM. IF YOU ALLOW THE PENGUINS TO LEAVE TOWN, YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!"

FORMER MAYOR SOPHIE MASLOFF AGREES TO DON PIRATE PARROT COSTUME AT ALL HOME GAMES FOR 27th CONSECUTIVE SEASON IN 2007

BIN LADEN BELIEVED BURIED IN LANDSLIDE AT ROUTE 65

PITTSBURGH - Militant Islamist Osama bin Laden reportedly was buried beneath half-a-million cubic yards of stone and dirt in Wednesday's landslide on Route 65 at Kilbuck Township, according to Allegheny County officials speaking on condition of anonymity. While rumors circulate the globe that bin Laden died of typhoid somewhere in remote Afghanistan, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato told this news source that "the 'leaked' French intelligence document reporting bin Laden's death was just another in the long line of international skullduggery by none other than Wal-Mart," the principal tenant in the shopping plaza where the landlide occurred. (Onorato asked that his name not be attributed to this story, and this news source assured him it would not.)

The Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned bin Laden was spotted repeatedly over the past three months in the area near the landslide, and information received from the Allegheny County Sheriff's office confirms that he has been living in caves that run into the hills above Ohio River Boulevard. Bin Laden and various aides have been seen on an almost daily basis photographing and scoping out police activity on Ohio River Boulevard. County officials initially feared that bin Laden was plotting a terrorist attack on the region, but eventually ruled that out.

Onorato explained: "Our investigation determined that bin Laden was, in fact, interested in stealing the one technology for which Ohio River Boulevard is world famous: its highly sophisticated, always accurate VASCAR technology for measuring the speed of moving objects." Ohio River Boulevard is the site of frequent VASCAR speed traps and the attendant arrest of Sewickley residents speeding from downtown in their BMW's and Range Rovers. "Apparently [bin Laden] planned to implement this technology upon his return to Afghanistan as part of his nefarious war on freedom," said Onorato. An English translation of a journal found in bin Laden's cave shows the detail he employed in studying the technology: "July 1-22: Of 311 incidences, VASCAR most commonly utilized to stop expensive cars fleeing North Side following third inning of Pirate home games." The same journal shows that bin Laden planned to rename the technology "VasCamel" upon his return to the Middle East.

But before County sheriffs could arrest bin Laden, Wal-Mart interceded. Wal-Mart's own surveillance independently learned of bin Laden's presence on the land that the retail behemoth anticipates will be its next big-box cash cow. According to Onorato, Wal-Mart officials resorted to a common company tactic for dealing with chronic trespassers: a perfectly executed landslide of 500,000 to 600,000 cubic yards of stone and dirt. One high-ranking Wal-Mart official confided to this news source that the retailer did not care about the identity of the trespasser: "This was precisely the same tactic Wal-Mart used to eliminate another chronic trespasser many years ago: Jimmy Hoffa. I'd say this one [that killed bin Laden] turned out to be one of corporate America's most clever attacks, next to Head-On ads." Wal-Mart concocted the rumor that bin Laden died of typhoid fever in the Middle East.

While efforts continue to reopen Route 65 to civilian traffic, CIA and Homeland Security officials were seen this weekend aiding with recovery efforts. Officials from both agencies claimed their involvement was due to their loyalty to Wal-Mart and, as on CIA agent put it, "the American Way." But this news source has learned they were making certain that the body of Osama bin Laden remains buried forever in the lower level of what ultimately will be Wal-Mart's Garden Center.

MEDIA CLAMORS FOR REACTIONS TO POPE'S REMARKS ON ISLAM BY CAT STEVENS, BRAD PITT

THIS NEWS SOURCE WILL NOT REPORT INFORMED REACTIONS OF RELIGIOUS SCHOLARS TO POPE'S COMMENTS SINCE THEY ARE LIKELY TO ELICIT BOREDOM

LONDON - While religious scholars from around the globe debated the merits of Pope Benedict XVI's recent comments on Islam, the news media
flocked to Yusuf Islam, the British singer known as Cat Stevens before his conversion to Islam, to get his take on it. Islam added to the criticism of the Pope widely shared by show business icons, saying that the Pope's remarks prove he is not infallible.

Meanwhile, reporters have been stationed outside Brad Pitt's Malibu mansion since news of the Pontiff's remarks was made public, anxiously awaiting his comments on them. One British tabloid journalist put it succinctly: "The story really isn't complete without Brad's take on it, is it?"

This news source joins with all the other established news outlets in refusing to report the informed reactions of religious scholars to the Pope's comments since they are marked by balance and self-restraint and are likely to elicit boredom.

JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, CAN STILL PICK WINNERS

IT'LL BE THE BENGALS OVER THE STEELERS 28-20, SAYS "THE GREEK" THROUGH OUIJA BOARD

Welcome aboard to our newest contributor to this news source, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. The Greek has been dead since 1996, but he still has an uncanny knack for picking winners. This news source promises that if at any time the predictions from the ouija board are tainted with racism, they will no longer appear on this page.

But for now, with the game several hours away, The Greek picks the Bengals over the Steelers 28-20. "Ben isn't quite ready," said The Greek. "And Carson Palmer is out for blood."

ENHANCED IMAGERY PROVES LOUIS FARRAKHAN BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN "AMERICAN GOTHIC" HOUSE

Bush taken aback by Musharraf’s claim that US threatened to bomb Pakistan back to the Stone Age if it failed to cooperate in fight against terrorism

BUSH: "ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. WE THREATENED TO BOMB THEM BACK TO THE DEVONIAN PERIOD, WELL BEFORE THE EXISTENCE OF EVEN PROTO-HOMINIDS, AND LONG BEFORE THE 'STONE AGE.'"

POPE SAYS REMARKS ON MUSLIMS WERE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT, AGREES TO ATTEND SENSITIVITY TRAINING

VATICAN CITY - A blue-ribbon panel of Islamic scholars and Pope Benedict XVI hammered out a consent agreement yesterday hoping to bring a close to a tumultuous week of global protests following remarks by the Pope about Islam made during a recent pilgrimage to Germany.

The consent agreement affirms the Pope's infallibility, but acknowledges that "even I make a mistake every now and then."

The agreement, signed this morning in the Vatican’s Department of Ecumenical Affairs, obligates the Pope to attend fifty hours of sensitivity and diversity training over the next three months. The training will include role-playing, strategies to improve interpersonal communication, and exercises designed to enhance awareness of cultural differences.

In return, the world's Muslims have agreed to attend a weekend seminar on non-violent conflict resolution to be held in Boulder, Colorado early next month. Mr. Richard Bonelli, President of the Boulder Chamber of Commerce and Bureau of Tourism, said the people of Boulder were "looking forward to hosting the world's Muslims," but asked for patience on the part of both visitors and local citizens. "Logistically, lines at the airport are going to be a little long," said Bonelli. "I suspect there are quite a few Muslims in the world."

The Pope, appearing on NBC’s The Today Show this morning, lashed out at the media for creating what he called "a holy mess" over the entire episode. "First of all, Matt," said the Pope, "My remarks were taken completely out of context." When host Matt Lauer asked the Pope to elaborate, he testily declined. Instead, he spoke of a need to "put this behind [him]. I just want to move forward now. See, all that business with the Muslims, that's all in the rear view mirror for me." The Pope expressed a desire to get back to the job "he was elected to do."

Copies of the consent decree will appear as an insert in this week’s edition of The Pittsburgh Catholic.

DeFazio to "retire" amidst charges that his office forced underlings to contribute to war chest; underlings forced to make retirement gift

PITTSBURGH - Sheriff Pete DeFazio likely will retire next month, but he denies it is avoid indictment by the U.S. Attorney on charges that the Sheriff's office hit up underlings for "contributions" to DeFazio's political war chest.

The Sheriff's office is planning a farewell party for DeFazio. All Sheriff's office underlings are being hit up to give DeFazio a cash retirement gift.

In related news, Allegheny County executive Dan Onorato is attempting to contact Abdul Sharif, son of actor Omar Sharif, to see if he is interested in the sheriff's job. "I don't know anything about him," Onorato said, "but I think it would be cool to have a Sheriff Sharif."

POLICE: MINIATURE HORSE KILLED BY JOEY PORTER'S DOGS WAS NOT WEARING A HELMET

Carbolic Smoke Ball endorses for mayor Mark Menold, a/k/a Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN's "It's Alive"

PITTSBURGH - Although the timing of the next mayoral election is not settled, there is no uncertainty as to the identity of the best candidate. The Carbolic Smoke Ball declares, without fear of contradiction, that Mark Menold, host of Saturday night's "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV, is the greatest host of any television show in America. Pittsburgh has proven that it can garner national attention by having an atypical mayor. Boy mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed himself on the front page of the New York Times (which cited this Web site) and on the David Letterman Show simply because of his youth. Mr. Menold, with his green make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, will easily top that. Everybody in America will be talking about Pittsburgh if Mr. Menold were elected. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.

Mayor O'Connor's dying wish: "Send some goons to break Cincy Mayor's legs for welshing on playoff bet"

PITTSBURGH - As he lay dying, Mayor Bob O'Connor railed against Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory for his failure to fulfill the losing end of a wager made over the Steelers' January 8 playoff game against the Bengals.

Mallory and O'Connor wagered that the leader of the city whose team lost the playoff game would visit the winner's town.

The Steelers won but Mallory never showed. Last month, two days before he died, the one thing on O'Connor's mind was that Mallory hadn't fulfilled his end of the deal."Exactly where is Mark Mallory?" O'Connor asked. "He's making me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous."

O'Connor ordered aide Dennis Regan to "hire some goons and take care of that son of a bitch. Breaks his legs or whatever." Regan's men paid a visit to the Cincinnati mayor last week.

This weekend, Mayor Mallory will hobble into Pittsburgh on crutches and sporting a black eye to fulfill his obligation as loser of the wager.