PORT AUTHORITY TO HOLD PUBLIC HEARINGS ON PROPOSED MASSIVE ROUTE ELIMINATIONS
ALL BUS, TROLLEY ROUTES PROVIDING TRANSPORTATION TO PUBLIC HEARINGS HAVE BEEN CUT
SECRET MEMO REVEALS PORT AUTHORITY'S RATIONALE FOR CHOOSING ROUTES TO BE CUT
"We must target routes with the heaviest percentage of dialysis, iron lung and chemotherapy patients and cut them first. It is safe to assume that, on average, those riders have comparatively shorter lifespans than the norm; accordingly, any fuss they might improvidently create over the cuts will be short-lived and easier to ride out." Port Authority CEO Steve Bland
STEVE BLAND PROPOSES ELIMINATION OF MORE THAN HALF OF PAT'S BUS ROUTES
"My dear riders, my plan is to scare the living daylights out of you so that you'll pressure your elected officials into increasing my funding." -- Steve Bland
Theater Review: "The Chief II": Tom Atkins stars in one-man show as G. Ogden Nutting
BY CHRISTOPHER RAWSON - Hot off the fourth run of his celebrated portrayal of Steelers patriarch Art Rooney in The Chief, the dean of Pittsburgh actors Tom Atkins takes on a decidedly more inscrutable subject in Chief II, G. Ogden Nutting, the mysterious principal owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Rob Zellers and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Gene Collier, authors of The Chief, also penned the new show, and Ted Pappas is back directing. Atkins' honest performance, such as it is, can scarcely be faulted, but Zellers and Collier just can't find a way to shine a light on the reclusive newspaper tycoon. This is especially disappointing given their near-perfect concoction of warmth, nostalgia and humor in The Chief.
Chief II is set in a plush board room in Wheeling, West Virginia in the summer of 2003 where Nutting is preparing for an emergency meeting of the directors of the Pirates. The elderly man strolls on stage in a pinstripe suit and plops himself in a chair as far from the audience as possible. That is where he sits for the remainder of the show, neither moving nor uttering a single word.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but there is a sort of drama to it all, with an emphasis on "sort of." One imagines the kinds of fascinating exploits that someone like Nutting conceivably might relate if he would deign to speak. The wheeling and dealing in the rough-and-tumble newspaper industry; the yearning to pass on a legacy to his sons; the penny-pinching to squeeze a profit from the Pirates. The mind conjures up all manner of possibilities for the hour and one-half we sit doing nothing but staring at Atkins.
Finally, about three quarters of the way through the second act, Nutting's son, Bob Nutting, played with relish by local scene stealer Tim Hartman, strides on stage and engages his father in a private discussion to which the audience is not privy. Bob then approaches the audience and briefly explains that "my father prefers to stay in the background." The sound of the spoken word is somewhat jarring after so much silence. In any event, based on what we have just witnessed, Bob Nutting's statement seems to be the understatement of the century. Bob proceeds to assure us that the Nutting family is "serious about fielding a quality baseball team in Pittsburgh." Then, in what is apparently supposed to be the show's emotional high point, Bob turns to address the unseen Pirates' CEO Kevin McClatchy (we know he is addressing McClatchy because the program says so) and yells at the top of his lungs: "FIRE SALE, KEVIN! FIRE SALE! DUMP ARAMIS RAMIREZ'S SALARY! DUMP IT!" Ramiriz is one of the Pirates traded under the Nutting regime for whom the team received little, if any, talent in return. Immediately after this pronouncement, Bob dashes off stage. A few minutes later, G. Ogden Nutting rises from his chair and, without acknowledging the audience in any manner, thankfully exits.
Given the talent involved, it is regrettable to report that this one is strictly for die-hard Atkins fans. Ted Pappas advises that a video will be produced to preserve Atkins' performance for future generations (it is beyond comprehension that WQED supposedly cannot come up with funding for a production of the Rooney play but somehow got it for this). Pappas also notes that Zellers and Collier have been retained to author Chief III, a one-man show based on the life of the person, identity not yet known, who eventually will purchase the Penguins.
SADDAM’S WIDOW TO ESTABLISH SADDAM HUSSEIN SCHOLARSHIP FOR ASPIRING DICTATORS
BAGHDAD - The lawyer for the family of Saddam Hussein said the widow of the now-deceased former ruler of Iraq will establish a scholarship in his name to assist young sociopaths who require financial assistance in their ruthless quest for power. Attorney Saleh al-Armouti made the announcement at a press conference this morning. He was accompanied by Mr. Hussein’s wife, Jacqueline Kennedy Hussein, and her two children, Caroline and John-John Hussein. “I can think of no better way to honor our martyred leader than to help create a worthy successor to his glorious reign of terror,” said Mr. al-Armouti. He went on to say that he believed conditions were ideal for a Saddam-like megalomaniac to rule Iraq once again. “But it would be an immense tragedy if that homicidal megalomaniac never got an opportunity to oppress, or kill because his family couldn’t afford to provide him with the education that all great dictators possess.”
Mr. al-Armouti explained that the scholarship was something that he had discussed with Mr. Hussein during his recent incarceration. “Saddam just felt like he wanted to give something back,” he said. The Saddam Hussein Scholarship, a renewable grant of ten American dollars, will be available for freshman students at Tikrit Teacher’s College beginning this academic year. Applications are available on-line, or at the Saddam Hussein Foundation Main Office located in beautiful downtown Baghdad. Applicants are expected to submit their completed application in writing, preferably at gunpoint, no later than May 1, 2007.
SADDAM EXECUTION VIDEO DRAWS CRITICISM
"CAMERA WORK, SOUND ARE AMATEURISH," SAYS QUENTIN TARANTINO; "ABSENCE OF HUMAN DRAMA THE WORK OF A HACK"
HOLLYWOOD - The grainy cell phone video of Saddam Hussein's execution, replete with inflammatory exchanges between Saddam and unseen guards, is being condemned around the world as a violation of human rights. The Holy See's daily, L'Osservatore Romano, for example, lamented it as "making a spectacle" of the execution and turning capital punishment into "an expression of political hubris."
But even worse than violating human rights, say Hollywood insiders, the video is the work of a hack, unoriginal in every detail, without suspense, and thoroughly humorless. "Every character is a one-dimensional cartoon," said Steven Spielberg. Variety slammed it in a front page review: "Even by the notoriously low standards of sadistic slasher pics, this video is a thoroughly nasty piece of work." Roger Ebert, recovering from recent surgery, scrawled a one-line review: "This video made me itch." He then gestured "thumbs down."
But the men and women who run the studios have a different take on it. They see it as the most-downloaded video in the history of the internet, and they want the director to step forward so they can sign him up to do a theatrical sequel. "It's no secret which sequel we'd like to make," said RKO Studios Chairman Bradleys Roadhouse. "Osama bin Laden's hanging. That's number one on our wish list because it would top the box office for at least three, possibly four or five weeks. Aside from ridding the world of a monster."
HOLLYWOOD - The grainy cell phone video of Saddam Hussein's execution, replete with inflammatory exchanges between Saddam and unseen guards, is being condemned around the world as a violation of human rights. The Holy See's daily, L'Osservatore Romano, for example, lamented it as "making a spectacle" of the execution and turning capital punishment into "an expression of political hubris."But even worse than violating human rights, say Hollywood insiders, the video is the work of a hack, unoriginal in every detail, without suspense, and thoroughly humorless. "Every character is a one-dimensional cartoon," said Steven Spielberg. Variety slammed it in a front page review: "Even by the notoriously low standards of sadistic slasher pics, this video is a thoroughly nasty piece of work." Roger Ebert, recovering from recent surgery, scrawled a one-line review: "This video made me itch." He then gestured "thumbs down."
But the men and women who run the studios have a different take on it. They see it as the most-downloaded video in the history of the internet, and they want the director to step forward so they can sign him up to do a theatrical sequel. "It's no secret which sequel we'd like to make," said RKO Studios Chairman Bradleys Roadhouse. "Osama bin Laden's hanging. That's number one on our wish list because it would top the box office for at least three, possibly four or five weeks. Aside from ridding the world of a monster."
JACK RUBY JR. LAMENTS FACT THAT HE WAS UNABLE TO FINISH OFF SADDAM
“I COULDN’T GET THE DAMN REVOLVER THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY,” SAYS SON OF OSWALD KILLER
BOB DOLE UNDER FIRE FOR VIAGRA PLUG WHILE SERVING AS PALLBEARER AT FORD FUNERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Senator and Presidential candidate Bob Dole is under fire for doing a Viagra plug while serving as a pallbearer at former President Gerald Ford's funeral. Just as Ford's casket was about to be carried into the National Cathedral, Dole asked the honor guard and his fellow pallbearers to "hold up a second." Then he turned to a camera operated by a Viagra technician, adjusted his hair, and looking into the lens said in a playful tone of voice: "If I were naked right now, I could probably hold this casket up with no hands." He smiled to the camera for several seconds then turned to the honor guard and said, "let's go," and he proceeded to escort the casket into the Cathedral. Several funeral guests, including former President George H.W. Bush, criticized Dole for exercising poor judgment. "I thought the line he delivered was real funny and all that," said the elder Mr. Bush, "but the timing wasn't very good. He should have waited until after the service when we were on our way out of the Cathedral. The line would have been even funnier then." But former President Clinton wasn't offended by the plug. "Did you hear what Dole said he could do?" a wide-eyed Clinton asked a reporter. "I didn't hear it myself, but it spread like wildfire throughout the church. That's really amazing stuff, that Viagra, isn't it?"
SECURITY TIGHT AS COLLEGE OF ROONEYS PREPARES TO MEET IN SECRET CONCLAVE TO APPOINT SUCCESSOR TO COACH COWHER
FAMILY VOWS NO LENGTHY INTERREGNUM; STEELERS SAY WATCH FOR BLACK AND GOLD SMOKE: BLACK SMOKE MEANS NO SUCCESSOR HAS BEEN CHOSEN, GOLD SMOKE MEANS SOMEONE HAS BURNED THE NACHOS AGAIN.
POLAR BEAR'S ANNUAL NEW YEAR'S DIP RULED INVALID DUE TO BALMY TEMPERATURES
PITTSBURGH - The International Polar Bear Committee invalidated the local chapter’s annual New Years Day swim because, the Committee said, the weather here was too warm to evidence true courage. However, when the Committee learned that the body of water the swimmers had immersed themselves in was the Monongahela River, the Committee not only reversed itself but ordered the swimmers to be examined by a Hazmat team.
IN ACCORDANCE WITH HIS FINAL WISHES, SADDAM'S BODY ARRIVES IN MEMPHIS FOR BURIAL AT GRACELAND
HANGED DICTATOR ASKED THAT HE REST THROUGH ETERNITY "NO MORE THAN FIVE FEET FROM THE KING, ELVIS PRESLEY"
HUSSEIN EXECUTION: OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPH RELEASED
HONORARY HANGMAN CHARLTON HESTON VANQUISHES EX-DICTATOR "WITH MY BARE HANDS"
BUSH'S PHONE CALL TO COMMUTE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S DEATH SENTENCE COMES MINUTES TOO LATE
"GEE, I GUESS IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GET THIS OLD WATCH OF MINE FIXED!"
BRATZ DOLL APOLOGIZES FOR USING "F" WORD, SAYS MISCONDUCT FUELED BY RAGE DIRECTED AT HECKLER
NEW YORK - A spokesman for a popular karaoke singing baby Bratz doll named "Baby Jade," a big seller this Christmas for young girls, has issued a formal apology on her behalf to parents across America because Baby Jade can plainly be heard to use the f-word. The spokesman, Bradleys Roadhouse, said that Baby Jade has entered an undisclosed rehabilitation clinic "for anger management issues." Roadhouse explained that her misconduct was fueled by rage directed at hecklers during a recent public appearance promoting an upcoming Bratz movie. "She just flipped out," he said. Moreover, he added, Baby Jade had been abused as a child, ironically by the same clergyman who abused former congressman Mark Foley. "This does not excuse Baby Jade's misconduct," Roadhouse, said, "but we thought we would mention it because it may lead people to think she should be excused."
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld arranged for Baby Jade to appear via satellite on David Letterman's show to apologize for her misconduct to the nation. Roadhouse said she is also scheduled to meet with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to apologize to them directly.
NEWLY RELEASED INTERVIEW SHOWS FORD CRITICAL OF BUSH, RUMSFELD, CHENEY, KISSINGER AND OTHERS
OFFICIALS SAY NO ONE PLANS TO ATTEND FUNERAL
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS SET FOR FORD, HUSSEIN
FORD TO LIE IN STATE IN CAPITOL ROTUNDA, HUSSEIN'S HEAD TO BE PARADED AROUND BAGHDAD ON STICK
GERALD FORD HAILED FOR RESTORING INTEGRITY TO STUMBLING, TRIPPING
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The late Gerald Ford, who died earlier this week at age 93, is being hailed around the world as the American President who restored integrity to stumbling and falling down. Time and again during his presidency, Ford was captured on film tripping, bumping his head, or slicing his golf ball into the crowd. Pratfall comics across the nation are saluting him as their master. "He was the patron saint of stumblers," veteran comic Dick Van Dyke told Larry King in a special tribute to Ford by clowns and physical comedians. Jim Carrey revealed that he has long studied Ford's techniques frame by frame. "Most of what I do, I lifted directly from President Ford," Carrey said. "But, frankly, the President took some falls that showed he was on a whole different plane than the rest of us. Like that time he tripped coming down Air Force One -- no matter how many hours I study it, I still can't exactly figure out how he achieved the comic effect. Pure genius."
"What made his stumbling all the more edgy," said comedian Chevy Chase, "was that he had the power to blow up the world. That clearly enhanced the humor."
July: PORT AUTHORITY TRANSIT TAKES OVER THUNDERBOLT
WEST MIFFLIN - A new era dawned at Kennywood Park today when the Port Authority Transit officially took over The Thunderbolt, one of America's most revered wooden roller coasters. PAT immediately put its mark on the ride, but the first day didn't go smoothly. "They jacked the prices way up and the damn thing constantly broke down," said coaster enthusiast Sean Cannon. "And how in the hell did they simulate the smell of bus fumes?" he asked.
Long-time Thunderbolt patrons were upset by PAT's addition of five stops at points throughout the ride, especially one in the middle of what formerly was the spectacular ravine drop in the middle of the ride.
Many riders also expressed anger that PAT reserved the first seven cars for senior citizens, who are permitted to ride free all day during non-peak hours. Many senior citizens "camped out" on the ride for hours, causing long lines of patrons vying for the few remaining seats. Some would-be riders complained that the operator passed them by without stopping; others complained about "riders who smell" or talked aloud on cell phones; and most riders found the new operators to be surly and unhelpful.
PAT President Tim Murray reviewed all of the comments following the first day and was pleased. "I'd say we're right on target to where we should be to inject the PAT way of doing things into this tired, old ride," he said. "Just wait until they see what we do to that bungee jump ride," he chuckled.
July: GREG BROWN ACCUSED OF PUNCTURING EARDRUM OF LOCAL WAITRESS
PITTSBURGH - Police issued an arrest warrant for Pittsburgh Pirates broadcaster Greg Brown today after he allegedly punctured the eardrum of a waitress when he became excited about the way she re-filled his coffee cup. Mr. Brown is accused of simple assault. According to the criminal complaint, the waitress, Philomena Jelovecki, was going from booth to booth this morning with a pot of coffee at the Tower Diner in the Gulf Building on Seventh Avenue where Mr. Brown was dining alone. When she approached Mr. Brown, “his eyes almost popped out of his skull,” the complaint stated. Brown then rose from his seat and exclaimed at the top of his lungs: “HERE SHE COMES, HEADING TOWARDS ME!” Mr. Brown thrust his cup toward her, describing the action in a voice so loud that Ms. Jelovecki lost hearing in her right ear. “AND HERE COMES THE COFFEE! OH, WHAT A CUP! AN ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR JOB OF POURING BY MY WAITRESS! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!”
This is not the first time that Brown has run afoul of the law. Last year, an employee of Don Royal Cleaners went into cardiac arrest after Brown exclaimed his appreciation for the “OUTSTANDING JOB” she did hemming his trousers. Brown was convicted of recklessly endangering another person and sentenced to wear electrical tape over his mouth for ninety days.
July: COMATOSE MAN'S BRAIN SPONTANEOUSLY REWIRES ITSELF AS WELL AS BUSTED BATHROOM FAN
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Arkansas - Doctors say that Terry Wallis, 42, who has been comatose in a rehabilitation center since suffering a severe brain injury in a car crash when he was 19, regained speech and movement because his brain spontaneously rewired itself by growing tiny new nerve connections to replace the ones sheared apart in the accident.
Wallis' doctors are even more astounded that while he was in a coma, his brain also spontaneously rewired a bathroom exhaust fan that hadn't worked for five years.
"It's a miracle," said Wallis' nurse Rosacea Lugosi. "We had completely given up on that fan." Nurse Lugosi said that she and the rest of the staff plan to bring in all their broken appliances and set them next to Wallis' bed.
The story of how Wallis' brain rewired itself will be featured in this week's Journal of the American Medical Association. The story of how Wallis' brain rewired the exhaust fan will be featured in the next issue of Popular Mechanics.
July: LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS HE'S MATURE ENOUGH TO BECOME MAYOR IF O'CONNOR BECOMES INCAPACITATED
YOUNG CITY COUNCIL PREZ SAYS HE'S BEEN WORKING SO HARD TO SERVE HIS CONSTITUENTS, "I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO, LIKE, GO SKATEBOARDING WITH MY BUDS LATELY, DUDE."
July: BEN ROETHLISBERGER APPEARS IN PUBLIC FOR FIRST TIME SINCE ACCIDENT
STEELER QUARTERBACK DOES SPOT FOR MUSIC VIDEO
July: CHUCK TANNER, TAPPED TO THROW OUT FIRST PITCH, BEANS G. OGDEN NUTTING WITH FASTBALL
BRANDING TEAM OWNER A CONGENITAL IDIOT, FORMER BUCS SKIPPER SHOUTS:"THAT'S FOR FIELDING SUCH A LOUSY TEAM, YOU CHEAP SON OF A BITCH"PITTSBURGH - Former Pirates manager Chuck Tanner, who took the "We are Family" Bucs to a world championship in 1979, was tapped to throw out the first pitch in this year's All-Star Game at PNC Park in Pittsburgh before a sold-out crowd of adoring fans.
Tanner took his place just in front of the mound and doffed his cap toward the crowd. He eyed the catcher but then unexpectedly wheeled around toward the first base stands and heaved a 92 mile per hour beanball directly at Pirates controlling owner G. Ogden Nutting who was sitting in the first row of seats above the visitors' dugout, smacking him in the middle of the forehead. Nutting yelled, "Oh, no," then toppled over with a very nasty bruise directly above his nose.
"That's for ruining my Pirates," Tanner yelled at Nutting, as ushers surrounded the 71-year old newspaper magnate.
After more than a minute, Nutting slowly stood up in a stupor and tried to call out to Tanner. Suddenly, another fastball came sailing in and clipped Nutting in the throat, sending him to the ground again.
"This time, stay down," Tanner yelled as the crowd roared its approval. Not bothering to see if Nutting was seriously injured, Tanner walked off the field in triumph as the anthem of the '79 Pirates, "We are Family," blared over the loudspeaker.
July: JEWS NOTICE FORESKIN ON STATUE OF SUPPOSEDLY JEWISH "DAVID," DEMAND THAT MARBLE BE CIRCUMCISED
RABBI OVADIA YOSEF ENLISTS FORMER 'THIS OLD HOUSE" HOST BOB VILA TO CHISEL AWAY "THIS FORESKIN ABOMINATION"
NEW YORK - Rabbi Ovadia Yosef says that Jews the world over owe their gratitude to a group of "giggling, inane" American teenage girls in Florence who noticed that the Michelangelo masterpiece depicting Jewish King David as a youth about to enter battle with Goliath is not circumcised.
"These girls, paying far, far too close attention to the statue's tallywacker, have done the world a great service by pointing out that this imposter is not a Jew but some shameless gentile youth," said Rabbi Yosef.
Heidi Jonas, 17, of White Plains, New York, was in Florence with classmates when they spotted the foreskin. "We were like looking at him and we were, like, what a hunk and everything, and then Brittany [Peters], she goes, 'look at that,' because she noticed it and everything, and we were all like, ewww, gross!" she giggled.
Rabbi Yosef said that "if this marble hunk -- rather, this hunk of marble deigns to depict King David, it will need a bris and ritual circumcision."
But a traditional mohel won't do for this job, Rabbi Yosef said. Instead he has enlisted Bob Vila, former host of TV's This Old House to handle the cutting that will be necessary to "convert" David to Judaism.
"I'm going to need a circular saw with a masonry blade," Vila explained to this news source. "And I definitely need extra lighting because this job requires extreme caution. If I take too much off, this young man will be the object of ridicule in the lockerroom among his fellow naked statues for all eternity," Vila said.
July: DICK SKRINJAR SAYS MAYOR O'CONNOR FULLY CAPABLE OF RUNNING CITY EVEN WHEN UNCONSCIOUS
MAYOR'S SPOKESMAN DENIES PUTTING POSITIVE SPIN ON O'CONNOR'S CONDITION PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bob O'Connor is incapacitated from the side-effects of chemotherapy and unable to muster the strength even to speak by phone with staff members at their weekly meeting. Nevertheless, according to Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, O'Connor is "fully in command" of the City of Pittsburgh.
With his customary assurance, Skrinjar bristled at allegations by this news source that he is putting a positive spin on the Mayor's condition. "The past couple of weeks, there have been plenty of times when I've seen the Mayor out cold," Skrinjar explained. "But even when he's totally unconscious, he routinely gives detailed directions to the department heads and is thoroughly briefed on issues of vital importance to Pittsburgh." Skrinjar held up a thick binder. "This is the revitalization plan for the entire City of Pittsburgh," he said. "Mayor O'Connor dictated it last night, two hours after he fell asleep."
Skrinjar minimized the effect that chemotherapy is having on the Mayor. "I'd go so far as to say that the chemotherapy has given the Mayor more stamina than he's ever had in his life," he explained. "It's been like an elixir for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps taking it even after he's all better."
Skrinjar ended an impromptu press conference by emphatically assuring reporters that O'Connor's judgment and acumen are no different when he is unconscious than when he is awake.
August: Linguists declare Bush is right: “Nuclear” is pronounced “Nu–kyi–ler”
NEW YORK- The daughter of physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer, the scientist who headed the Manhattan project that developed the first atomic bombs, released the minutes of a secret meeting conducted by her father’s team of nuclear pioneers in March of 1945 that decided how the word “nuclear” should be pronounced. The minutes reveal that the men decided the word should be pronounced exactly as President Bush pronounces it: "nu-kyi-ler."At that historic meeting, according to Velveeta Oppenheimer-Lugosi, the scientist's only surviving child, “General [Leslie R.] Groves wanted to pronounce it ‘knucklehead-ular’ but my father thought that was too difficult to say.” Instead, Oppenheimer came up with "the very pronunciation that President Bush has brought back into vogue."
Ms. Smith revealed that her father assigned bizarre pronunciations to practically every English word. “’Tree’ was pronounced ‘travelanzia’; ‘dog’ was ‘duo-oj-enis,' and so forth,” she said. “The fact is, my father was crazy. We rarely knew what he was talking about, much like President Bush.”
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