WHISENHUT FAILS CHALLENGE FLAG TEST; COACHING DECISION AGAIN UP IN AIR
PITTSBURGH - A source with the Pittsburgh Steelers speaking under condition of anonimity told reporters today that Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhut, previously believed to be the front runner to replace Bill Cowher, has been eliminated from consideration. “Whis[enhut] completely muffed on the challenge flag test,” said the source. He added that “Art [Rooney] Jr. even gave him a second try, but Kenny just couldn’t get the arc or velocity on the flag in a manner keeping with Steeler tradition.” Former head coach Bill Cowher was considered to be the top challenge flag tosser among NFL coaches, and several commentators have predicted that the loss of Cowher will expose a new weakness in the Steelers' chances for next season.The Steelers are said to be flying in former Steeler quarterback Kordell Stewart to interview for the job later today. Stewart is said to be in good physical shape, and is believed to have retained much of his arm strength. NFL insider Beano Cook speculated that the Steelers may take the unique step of naming Whisenhut as head coach but requiring that Stewart assume duties as challenge flag tosser.
WHISENHUNT TURNS DOWN STEELERS’ JOB, ROONEYS TURN TO WOODY HARRELSON
"FROM THE SECOND LEVEL, NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE," SAID DAN ROONEY
CHARLTON HESTON MAKES COURT APPEARANCE IN NEIGHBORS' MUDSLIDE SUIT AGAINST HIM
HESTON SNAPS AT BAILIFF, "TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMNED DIRTY APE!"
COWHER PUTTING “FINISHING TOUCHES” ON PRESIDENT’S LONG-AWAITED IRAQ SPEECH
WHITE HOUSE INSIDERS WORRY BUSH ADDRESS WILL EXCEED CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED NUMBER OF CLICHES
HEAD OF CARNEGIE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, SELF-PROCLAIMED "FOSSIL," RETIRES
BILLY D. DEWALTER TO STAY ON AS EXHIBIT IN MUSEUM'S NEW $36 MILLION EXHIBITION HALL FOR DINOSAURS
PEDUTO PROPOSES PLAN C FOR NEW PENGUINS ARENA
RAVENSTAHL OUTLINES “EVEN BETTER” PLAN D, PEDUTO SAYS HE WILL PRESENT PLAN E TO PUBLIC TOMORROW, RAVENSTAHL MULLS PLAN F
SANTORUM JOINS THINK TANK
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Senator Rick Santorum announced today he is joining the Ethics and Public Policy Center think tank in Washington, D.C. Santorum denied that he is taking the job because he could not find the house in Penn Hills he claims as his residence. "It is true that after losing the [Senatorial] election to Bob Casey, I drove around Penn Hills for several days looking for the house, and I never did find it," Santorum explained. "But that's not why I took this job. I took this job because someone gave me very clear directions to Breezewood, and from there I know exactly how to get to Washington without a map."
Santorum said his sole concern is insuring that there is a sufficient air supply in the think tank. "Once they close that latch, some of those tanks can get awfully stuffy," he said.
VENDOR T.C. CONGDON ELECTED TO BASEBALL HALL OF FAME
NEW YORK - T.C. Congdon, a beloved Pittsburgh sports vendor, was invited to assume a place among baseball's immortals in Cooperstown yesterday, receiving 98.5% of all votes cast in the annual Hall of Fame balloting. Only pitcher Tom Seaver ever received a higher percentage of votes. Mr. Congdon was advised of his selection at a local shopping mall but he had no comment about it because he was preoccupied trying to think of a celebrity that resembled a young woman passing by.
BUSH UNVEILS NEW WAR STRATEGY: ATTACK SOMALIA INSTEAD
WASHINGTON - In a move designed to ensure a U.S. victory at war, President Bush today ordered that the focus for all combat forces be shifted from Iraq to Somalia. U.S. forces immediately conducted a successful air strike in southern Somalia against Islamic militants living in a tent city.“Our job is done in Iraq,” said presidential spokesman Tony Snow. “We have successfully disarmed Iraq from weapons of mass destruction, and we have eliminated Saddam Hussein, who was the chief architect of the 9/11 attacks against our country.” President Bush also briefly spoke to reporters, adding, “we expect to have this whole war on terror thing wrapped up by next week.”
Somalian AP writer Mohamed Sheik Nor reported that U.S. helicopters and one AC-130 gunship "fired several rockets on a dirt path” near the town of Afmadow in southern Somalia, killing the two of the last few Al-Qaida terrorists remaining in the world, along with 12 goats, 3 donkeys and a water buffalo.
TIGGER AUTOGRAPH MEET AND GREET RATED FOURTH MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN AMERICA
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A new Rollins Institute survey rates the most dangerous places in America. Topping the list are Camden, Detroit, St. Louis, and the Tigger autograph Meet and Greet at the Walt Disney World Resort.
COWHER AGONIZED OVER DECISION AT HIS NORTH CAROLINA FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
PITTSBURGH - This news source has learned that former Pittsburgh Steeler head coach Bill Cowher spent several agonizing days pondering his football future at his North Carolina Fortress of Solitude last week. The coach constructed his massive ice structure during the off season and his desire to spend time there contemplating the mysteries of the universe was an issue for the team most of last season.
Negotiations between team representatives and Coach Cowher’s agent stalled after Cowher rejected suggestions that he fly counter to the rotation of the earth at twice the speed of light in order to reach a point where he could pull Ricardo Colclough out of the lineup earlier in the season. “Is it tempting? Absolutely,” stated a subdued coach Cowher, “but with Ricardo, how far back do you go? The Oakland game? Draft day? At the end of the day, playing fast and loose with the laws of physics, you know, altering time, space – just isn’t good for the game.”
STEELERS TO INTERVIEW LOUD-MOUTH FAN FROM SECTION 515 FOR VACANT HEAD COACH POSITION
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers will interview an obnoxious season ticket-holder to fill their vacant head coach position, sources inside the club revealed today. The man, who remains anonymous, was ushered into the Steelers office on the South Side yesterday. One side of his face was painted all black. The other side of his face was painted all yellow. He was not wearing a shirt. According to one source close to the situation, the team was flooded with phone-calls and emails recommending this particular individual for the job almost immediately after former Coach Bill Cowher announced his resignation last Friday. "Everyone who sits near him in the stadium told us this fellow knows everything there is to know about the game of football,” he said. “Even better, he’s been offering instruction to our team for years, free of charge, from his lofty perch high atop Heinz Field, so he clearly has the lung capacity for the job.” One of the letters, obtained by this news source, claims that the loud-mouth fan in line for the head coaching job “can’t let one play go by without bellowing his opinion on what just transpired.”
When asked if the team had considered the possibility that the unsolicited show of support was an attempt to trick the Steelers into removing this person from Section 515 and placing him in a position where he would be exposed, once and for all, as a boorish simpleton, the official conceded the possibility. “However,” he added, “we have an obligation to explore every option before making our decision.”
GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES PLAN "E" AS IN "ED" FOR PENS
PITTSBURGH - The Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned that last week's well-publicized meeting between Mario Lemieux, Mayor Ravenstall, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onarato and Governor Ed Rendell resulted in a secret plan guaranteed to keep hockey in Pittsburgh. Labeled Plan "E" for its primary architect, Ed Rendell, it would have the Philadelphia Flyers playing two preseason games in Pittsburgh next season in the Mellon Arena, which the relocated Penguins will vacate. Mellon Arena will be renamed the Ravenstall Centre and will play host to numerous civic functions, Broadway-style entertainment and a year-round electric train exhibit."Plan E is a win-win for Pennsylvania," said Rendell. "It will keep hockey in Pittsburgh for many years and at the same time save the good taxpayers of the Commonwealth millions and millions of dollars." Rendell has no doubt the Flyers would agree to the new arrangement. "Other NHL teams in recent years have played preseason games in Middle of Nowhere, Nova Scotia, so I'm sure the Flyers will gladly do the same thing in Pittsburgh."
NEWS ROUNDUP
Bill Cowher repeated to reporters who caught up with him at his daughter's basketball game over the weekend that he resigned as Steelers head coach to spend more time with his family in North Carolina. In unrelated news, doctors at a North Carolina hospital say the accuser in the Duke Lacrosse sexual assault case finally had her baby, a boy, and that the child has an enormous chin.
NUMBER ONE MEETS NUMBER TWO FOR TITLE IN AMERICAN PORCELAIN COMPANY'S TOILET BOWL
GLENDALE, Ariz. - College football's season will finally end tonight with the American Porcelain Company's Toilet Bowl. Number one will meet number two for the national title. Before the game, number one's coach came under fire for saying that number "stinks."
CHENEY IN LIGONIER TO HUNT, WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA ON HIGH ALERT
The entire Westmoreland County Bar Association huddled in a bunker under the County Courthouse, and the lights of Greensburg were doused, until word came that the Vice President’s plane had moved out of Pennsylvania airspace.
NATIONAL RETAILERS ASSOCIATION LABELS CHRISTMAS SEASON “A DISASTER”
CALLS FOR ALL PATRIOTIC AMERICANS TO SPEND THEMSELVES INTO PERSONAL BANKRUPTCY TO JUMP-START ECONOMY 
ACTOR ATKINS THINKS HE REALLY IS ART ROONEY, ORDERS DAN ROONEY TO HIRE WHISENHUNT
PITTSBURGH - Following Saturday night's sell-out performance of The Chief at the O'Reilly Theater, the one-man show about Steelers patriarch Art Rooney starring the dean of Pittsburgh actors Tom Atkins, numerous witnesses reported that Atkins actually behaved as if he really was Rooney."It was the damnedest thing," director Ted Pappas said. "Tom approached Dan [Rooney] in the lobby and began berating him in front of hundreds of people for dragging his feet hiring Ken Whisenhunt" to replace Bill Cowher, who resigned as head coach of the Steelers on Friday. "Tom acted like he was Dan's father, there's no other way to describe it."
"What the hell's taking so long, Dan?" Atkins scolded Dan Rooney, in his best "Chief" voice. "Didn't your mother and I teach you better than that? Kenny's our kind of guy, a real Pittsburgher who doesn't put on airs and go around actin' like a big shot. When the hell you gonnna hire him?"
"At first everyone thought it was a joke," said Pappas. "But Tom kept it up, and he was really angry. I saw Dan's face break out in a cold sweat, the way it would if his old man was really standing there yelling at him."
"I was speechless," said Dan Rooney. "I could have sworn it was my father because at one point he ran off to a pay phone to check on a horse race."
PICKING STEELER COACH SUCH A RARITY, TEAM OFFICIALS MUST REFER TO ANCIENT PAPYRUS SCROLLS FOR PROCEDURE
ANTIQUATED TEXT FOUND IN CATACOMBS BENEATH RUINS OF THREE RIVERS STADIUM. INITIAL MISINTERPRETATION ALMOST LEADS TO SELECTION OF ROSIE O'DONNELL AS NEW COACH
COWHER RESIGNS
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS PROMISES ORDERLY SUCCESSION OF POWER, ADMINISTERS OATH TO WHISENHUNT, NEW COACH PARDONS COWHER FOR AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME LOSSES
COWHER WANTS TO QUIT WHILE "GLADIATORS" ROUTINE ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW IS ON TOP
PITTSBURGH - Bill Cowher will announce his retirement as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers today because he wants to "go out on top" while the popular "Gladiators" skit on DVE's Morning Show with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann is at its peak. On "Gladiators," two ancient Steelers' fans named Minimus and Maximus discuss all manner of subjects with Cowher, with hilarious results. "With 'Gladiators,' we're firing on all cylinders right now, working at a level that will be impossible to sustain," said Cowher. "I don't want to be here when the quality slips, so I told Dan and Art [Rooney] that I want to go out while we're on top. I owe that to our 'Gladiators' fans and to Jim and Randy."
Cowher dismissed suggestions that he should have quit after the Super Bowl victory last year instead of presiding over a mediocre .500 season where the Steelers failed to make the playoffs. "I wasn't heartbroken that we had a so-so year," said Cowher. "That's football. But I just couldn't stand to be here if the 'Gladiators' started to slip."
WEIS DEVOURS BRADY QUINN AT PREGAME MEAL; IRISH GO ON TO LOSE TO LSU
NEW ORLEANS -- Notre Dame lost its ninth consecutive bowl game Wednesday night -- and its starting quarterback -- in a 41-14 loss to No. 4 LSU in the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Just hours before kickoff at the traditional pre-game team meal, starting quarterback Brady Quinn was reportedly standing near the dessert table when the incident occurred. “Brady didn’t see it coming,” said senior wide receiver Jeff Samardzija. “It was kind of a freak accident. There was only one piece of coconut cream pie left, and Coach Weis was so focused on it that he didn’t see Brady in his path,” said Samardzija.
Following the incident, it was questionable whether Notre Dame would take the field for the game. “The team took a vote,” said Irish athletic director Kevin White. “It was unanimous that Brady would have wanted them to play.”
Quinn, who was 22, was a Heisman finalist for the Irish, and was expected to be selected in the first round of this year’s NFL draft. New Orleans police superintendent Warren Riley refused to comment on the department’s investigation of Weis, although it is expected that he will be charged later today with involuntary manslaughter. Weis was unavailable for comment last night.
COWHER TO RESIGN TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY; HIS FAMILY PREFERS THAT HE CONTINUE EARNING HEAD COACH'S SALARY
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers will hold a news conference at 1:00 pm today to announce that head coach Bill Cowher is retiring to spend more time with his family. One of Cowher's children, Lindsay, spoke to this news source on condition of anonymity: "What makes him think we want to spend more time with him?" she asked. "He scares us. Besides, we already see enough of him. I mean, what the hell does he intend to do with us that requires such inordinate amounts of time that he has to quit his job? Hang out with us at the mall? Frankly, we'd prefer that he keep collecting that big head coach's paycheck, for obvious reasons."
LEMIEUX INSTITUTIONALIZED AFTER ADMITTING HE HAS VISIONS OF AN ICE ARENA IN THE MIDDLE OF A MIDWEST CORNFIELD
IN MARIO'S DELUSION, SHOELESS JOE JACKSON REFUSES TO WEAR SKATES
LEMIEUX MEETS WITH KANSAS CITY MAYOR, PROFESSOR MARVEL TO DISCUSS POSSIBLE FRANCHISE RELOCATION
CITY, COUNTY OFFICIALS WARN PENGUINS OWNER “THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME”
FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: December 31, 12 A.D.
TWELVE YEAR OLD NAZARENE BOY WOWS ’EM AT THE TEMPLE WITH ENCYCLOPEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF SCRIPTURE, ORATORICAL SKILLS; CHIEF PHARISEE PREDICTS “THIS KID IS GOING PLACES!”
IRAQI POLICE NAB STREAKER WHO DISRUPTED SADDAM EXECUTION
BAGHDAD - The streaker who disrupted Saddam Hussein's execution, Robert A. Haas of the United States, was arrested by Iraqi police today and charged with disorderly conduct and disrobing with intent to disrupt an ex-dictator's hanging.Ironically, Haas's grandfather, Clinton Arthur Haas, was similarly arrested for streaking at the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1953.
Haas has no regrets. "Saddam looked over at me and chuckled," said Haas. "I guess I'm kind of proud that the last thing this madman saw before he died was my tallywacker."
ONORATO BROTHERS ISSUE JOINT STATEMENT TO RESIDENTS OF WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA: STAY HOME
"YOU EITHER WON'T BE ABLE TO GET A BUS INTO TOWN BECAUSE YOUR ROUTE WAS CUT OR, IF YOUR ROUTE WASN'T CUT, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD A BUS RIDE; AND YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T AFFORD TO DRIVE AND PARK IN TOWN." PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato and his brother David Onorato, acting director of the Pittsburgh Parking Authority, have issued a joint statement to the people of Western Pennsylvania: Stay home.
Yesterday, Dan backed the Port Authority's stunning announcement that it was jacking up fares and cutting more than half of its weekday routes. His brother, David, previously refused to lower parking fares despite the fact that the city rolled back the parking tax.
"We strongly urge anyone giving consideration to coming into downtown Pittsburgh to stay home," said the joint statement. "You either won't be able to get a bus into town because your route was cut, or if you are lucky enough not to have your route cut, the bus ride will be too expensive; and you certainly can't afford to drive to town given that our parking rates are the highest in the nation. In short, we don't need you; we don't want you; keep away."
Dan Onorato also announced that he would not run for Governor of Pennsylvania, acknowledging that his support of yesterday's Port Authority announcement scuttled any chances he had.
THOUSANDS OF IRAQIS PROTEST PRESENCE OF JOHN 3:16 GUY AT HUSSEIN HANGING
AUTHORITIES AT LOSS TO EXPLAIN PLACARD-CARRYING, RAINBOW-WIG WEARING MAN VISIBLE BEHIND GALLOWS IN EXECUTION VIDEO
GOD TELLS PAT ROBERTSON HE WILL BE ASSASSINATED TO KEEP HIM FROM SAYING MORE RIDICULOUS THINGS
VIRGINIA BEACH - In religious broadcaster Pat Robertson’s annual predictions, he said that God told him that, for the good of the nation, he will be assassinated by U.S. covert forces to prevent him from saying more ridiculous things. Robertson conceded that he could do God’s will simply by canceling his television program, but Robertson ruled that out because "the ratings are just too strong."
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