BOB NUTTING, PIRATES' PRINCIPAL OWNER, MAKES FIRST APPEARANCE TO PITTSBURGH MEDIA
"HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST MY FAMILY PUTS PROFITS ABOVE WINNING. CAN YOU CITE ONE SCRAP OF EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THAT ASSERTION? . . . NEVER MIND THE QUESTION. YOUR TIME'S UP. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT."
FROM THE CARBOLIC ARCHIVES: PHANTOM PIRATES OWNER G. OGDEN NUTTING RUNS TEAM FROM HIS LAIR IN CATACOMBS DEEP BENEATH PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - Newly hired attendants at PNC Park are instructed in the most emphatic terms never to enter private box five. Box five long has been rumored to be haunted during Pirate home games by the mysterious owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, G. Ogden Nutting. When the Pirates are not playing at home, Nutting retreats to the wet catacombs deep beneath PNC Park where he brings promising young players -- his "proteges," he calls them -- to mold and to teach the finer points of the game. Nutting, whose face was hideously disfigured in the implosion of Three Rivers Stadium in 2001, hides his visage beneath a ghostly half-mask. (This photograph, taken last year, is the only one of Nutting known to exist since the implosion.)One of the phantom-owner's proteges is pitcher Zach Duke. Soon after Duke arrived with the club last year, he found a red rose in his locker, signifying that Mr. Nutting had hand-selected him to tutor. "He took me to his dark lair," said Duke. "There, he worked with me day and night, for weeks on end, to improve my pitching." Duke pauses and says quietly: "I owe all of my success to him, my angel of the night."
When Mr. Nutting deemed Duke ready, he instructed then-Pirate manager Lloyd McClendon to start him in a game against the dreaded Yankees, but McClendon tapped Kip Wells instead. That night, a chandelier in the Pirates clubhouse fell on Wells under mysterious circumstances, severely injuring his pitching arm. Duke got the start and went on to become the best rookie pitcher in baseball last year.
Duke continued to work with the phantom-owner, but all the while a burning curiosity grew within him to unmask his strange mentor. Then one day last September, while the Mr. Nutting was conjuring up some weird cacophony on the PNC Park organ, Duke sneaked up from behind him and snatched the mask from his face.
"He turned around, and it was the most horrifying sight I had ever seen," said Duke, still trembling months after the event. "His face looked exactly like -- radio talk show host Mark Madden!"
COME ON, ALL YOU STAND-UP COMICS . . .
The Carbolic Smoke Ball has been asked to be judges for this special, extraordinary event. If you or someone you know is an aspiring stand-up comic, win a chance to open for the brilliant Gene Collier. Auditions will be held on February 9, from 5:30-7:30 at Cefalo's. Register by sending an email to: trcreativeservices@yahoo.com.
GAMBLING STUDY WARNS CONSUMERS: DON'T COME TO NORTH SHORE EXPECTING TO WIN
PITTSBURGH - With a new casino on its way, a local think tank has issued a report warning that consumers will be lured to the North Shore believing winning is possible when, in fact, it hardly ever happens. The think tank was not referring to the new casino but rather to the upcoming Pirates' season.
NAMING RIGHTS TO NEW ARENA SOLD TO SPACELY SPACE SPROCKETS
PITTSBURGH - The final design and new name for Pittsburgh's new arena to house the Penguins were revealed today by Governor Ed Rendell. Rendell announced that he has arranged the sale of naming rights to Spacely Space Sprockets. "The Spacely Center is destined to become a distinct, albeit bizarre, landmark in Pittsburgh’s skyline," Rendell said.
LUKE RAVENSTAHL TO RELEASE BOOK: "IF DENNY REGAN HAD MESSED WITH POLICE, HERE'S HOW HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT"
PITTSBURGH - In the wake of Catherine McNeilly's reinstatement as Commander, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that his upcoming book will hypothetically explained how former mayoral aide Dennis Regan would have interfered with police protocols, if he in fact had done it. Among other things Mr. Regan might have done, according to the Mayor, is "protect his the relatives of his love interest from unreasonable and nasty superiors who required them to come to work."Mr. Ravenstahl is looking to turn the book into a local TV special but is unable to obtain funding.
Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said that the book was purely hypothetical, and that while citizens should read it, they should not read anything into it. "No way," Mr. Skrinjar said when asked if this was a confession of sorts. "There is no evidence that Denny Regan did anything wrong. None. Maybe someone, somewhere, whose name I don't know -- because how would I? -- that person might have exercised poor judgement. But not Denny."
BUSH CANDIDLY EXPLAINS MISTAKES IN HANDLING WAR
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush delivered a passionate and revealing address to the nation on Wednesday night to explain his plan for a troop surge to stabilize the situation on the ground in the Iraqi war and to offer his rationale for the strategy employed to date in terms not heard before. "Sometime in 2003, Cheney and Rummy told me we had a plan, so I thought we were covered. At some point last month, they explained they were talking about lunch, not for invading, securing and managing a sovereign nation. So I take responsibility for not looking into that more closely once we were through with lunch that day in 2003."As to the fitness of the Iraqi army, the president said, "We're trainin' them and they are tryin' real hard. But they still tend to think of our troops as human shields and we've got to change that mindset. We need to work with them but also respect their culture. For example, I think if you have an Iraqi commander who doesn't massacre any of his neighbors for a certain time period, say a week, a month, whatever, you reward that type of behavior with a maybe an ipod or a goat, whatever is the culturally correct thing. But I'll leave those details to the men on the ground."
While assuring the American people that the surge will quell the violence and put Iraq on the road to stability, the president raised some eyebrows at the conclusion of his speech. "If anyone has a better idea, give Condi a call on her cell. It's 212-555-1212."
While assuring the American people that the surge will quell the violence and put Iraq on the road to stability, the president raised some eyebrows at the conclusion of his speech. "If anyone has a better idea, give Condi a call on her cell. It's 212-555-1212."
SPOILSPORT DISPLACED 84 LUMBER WORKERS DAMPEN FUN AT JOE HARDY'S STAR-STUDDED PARTY
EDITORIAL BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - Bette Midler backed by a full orchestra; Robin Williams cracking wise; Christina Aguilera; a Broadway company of "A Chorus Line." Half the stars in the heavens converged on Nemacolin Woodlands Resort & Spa, the retreat owned by the Hardy family, last Saturday to celebrate Joe Hardy's 84th birthday. It was the best of everything that money can buy, nonstop from 2 in the afternoon until 2 in the morning, shot through with jaw-dropping amazement and pure, high-octane fun. It was the party of the century a scant seven years into it, and the culmination of both a life and a lifestyle. Most important, it made Mr. Hardy happy, and that's all that counts.
But no matter how rapturous a thing is, there will always be some sniveling, green-eyed bore who tries to ruin it for the rest of us. So must it be here. It seems the 25-30 people laid off last month at 84 Lumber's corporate headquarters because of the economic slowdown are questioning the supposed extravagance in having luminaries Mr. Hardy never met flown in to pay him homage.
Extravagance? What extravagance? This entire party could not have cost more than $10-15 million. The mere fact that this sum could have gainfully employed the displaced bellyachers for some time is completely beside the point.
Let's be honest, would Mr. Hardy be able to afford to blow a ton of money and act like a big shot if he didn't fire peons with families who've devoted their lives to his company? Exactly where do these displaced Einsteins think the money to pay for the party would come from?
Moreover, if Mr. Hardy doesn't pay these Hollywood whores to fly out to the middle of Nemacolin Nowhere to proclaim what a great guy he is, could he count on these displaced ingrates to do it? Or anybody, for that matter? The question scarcely survives its statement.
If you think this birthday party was big, just wait until you see Mr. Hardy's 85th. He might have to lay off the whole damn company to pay for that one, and I can't wait!
BUSH TELLS AL-MALIKI, "I'M GEORGE BUSH. I SOLVE PROBLEMS."
The Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained the transcript of President Bush's private discussion with Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki where the President outlined his new approach in Iraq:BUSH: . . . You're going to commit 10,000 to 12,000 more troops to secure Baghdad's neighborhoods and take the lead in military operations.
AL-MALIKI: A "please" would be nice.
BUSH: Come again?
AL-MALIKI: I said a "please" would be nice.
BUSH: Get it straight, Buster, I'm not here to say "Please." I'm here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f***ing do it, and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen. If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, beef up your f***ing security.
STEELERS FRONT OFFICE DECIDES TO LOOK OUTSIDE THE ORGANIZATION FOR COWHER’S REPLACEMENT, ROONEY INTERVIEWS MR. T, REX REED, TO FILL HEAD COACH VACANCY
PITTSBURGH - Steelers President Art Rooney II flew to Los Angeles yesterday to interview former bouncer and bodyguard to the stars Mr. T for the job as Steelers head coach. Mr. Rooney met with Mr. T on the set of his TV Land reality show, “I Pity the Fool.” Sources inside the organization said Mr. T’s gruff, no-nonsense approach and willingness to throw people through doors if they fail to discharge their duties to his satisfaction make him an ideal candidate for the position.
Speaking to reporters outside his trailer following a three hour interview, Mr. T. was brimming with confidence. He admonished members of the press to “quit with their jibber-jabber” and heed his words. “When Mr. T take the reins of this team, we gonna be somebody, or we gonna be somebody’s fool!” he bellowed. He scowled when asked to make a prediction for the next Steelers game against the Baltimore Ravens. “Prediction? Pain!” Mr. T, who did a brief stretch in prison following his conviction for impersonating a professional actor, said he hoped his criminal record wouldn’t keep him from working in the NFL. “Y’all know how strict they are about employing model citizens.” The interview of Mr. T meets the requirements of the league’s Rooney Rule, which compels all teams to interview at least one washed-up celebrity when a head coach position is open.
The search for Mr. Cowher’s replacement continues today. Mr. Rooney is scheduled to meet with New York Observer critic and bon vivant Rex Reed at his Upper East Side apartment this morning to discuss the Steelers coaching job.
WHISENHUT FAILS CHALLENGE FLAG TEST; COACHING DECISION AGAIN UP IN AIR
PITTSBURGH - A source with the Pittsburgh Steelers speaking under condition of anonimity told reporters today that Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhut, previously believed to be the front runner to replace Bill Cowher, has been eliminated from consideration. “Whis[enhut] completely muffed on the challenge flag test,” said the source. He added that “Art [Rooney] Jr. even gave him a second try, but Kenny just couldn’t get the arc or velocity on the flag in a manner keeping with Steeler tradition.” Former head coach Bill Cowher was considered to be the top challenge flag tosser among NFL coaches, and several commentators have predicted that the loss of Cowher will expose a new weakness in the Steelers' chances for next season.The Steelers are said to be flying in former Steeler quarterback Kordell Stewart to interview for the job later today. Stewart is said to be in good physical shape, and is believed to have retained much of his arm strength. NFL insider Beano Cook speculated that the Steelers may take the unique step of naming Whisenhut as head coach but requiring that Stewart assume duties as challenge flag tosser.
WHISENHUNT TURNS DOWN STEELERS’ JOB, ROONEYS TURN TO WOODY HARRELSON
"FROM THE SECOND LEVEL, NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE," SAID DAN ROONEY
CHARLTON HESTON MAKES COURT APPEARANCE IN NEIGHBORS' MUDSLIDE SUIT AGAINST HIM
HESTON SNAPS AT BAILIFF, "TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMNED DIRTY APE!"
COWHER PUTTING “FINISHING TOUCHES” ON PRESIDENT’S LONG-AWAITED IRAQ SPEECH
WHITE HOUSE INSIDERS WORRY BUSH ADDRESS WILL EXCEED CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED NUMBER OF CLICHES
HEAD OF CARNEGIE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, SELF-PROCLAIMED "FOSSIL," RETIRES
BILLY D. DEWALTER TO STAY ON AS EXHIBIT IN MUSEUM'S NEW $36 MILLION EXHIBITION HALL FOR DINOSAURS
PEDUTO PROPOSES PLAN C FOR NEW PENGUINS ARENA
RAVENSTAHL OUTLINES “EVEN BETTER” PLAN D, PEDUTO SAYS HE WILL PRESENT PLAN E TO PUBLIC TOMORROW, RAVENSTAHL MULLS PLAN F
SANTORUM JOINS THINK TANK
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Senator Rick Santorum announced today he is joining the Ethics and Public Policy Center think tank in Washington, D.C. Santorum denied that he is taking the job because he could not find the house in Penn Hills he claims as his residence. "It is true that after losing the [Senatorial] election to Bob Casey, I drove around Penn Hills for several days looking for the house, and I never did find it," Santorum explained. "But that's not why I took this job. I took this job because someone gave me very clear directions to Breezewood, and from there I know exactly how to get to Washington without a map."
Santorum said his sole concern is insuring that there is a sufficient air supply in the think tank. "Once they close that latch, some of those tanks can get awfully stuffy," he said.
VENDOR T.C. CONGDON ELECTED TO BASEBALL HALL OF FAME
NEW YORK - T.C. Congdon, a beloved Pittsburgh sports vendor, was invited to assume a place among baseball's immortals in Cooperstown yesterday, receiving 98.5% of all votes cast in the annual Hall of Fame balloting. Only pitcher Tom Seaver ever received a higher percentage of votes. Mr. Congdon was advised of his selection at a local shopping mall but he had no comment about it because he was preoccupied trying to think of a celebrity that resembled a young woman passing by.
BUSH UNVEILS NEW WAR STRATEGY: ATTACK SOMALIA INSTEAD
WASHINGTON - In a move designed to ensure a U.S. victory at war, President Bush today ordered that the focus for all combat forces be shifted from Iraq to Somalia. U.S. forces immediately conducted a successful air strike in southern Somalia against Islamic militants living in a tent city.“Our job is done in Iraq,” said presidential spokesman Tony Snow. “We have successfully disarmed Iraq from weapons of mass destruction, and we have eliminated Saddam Hussein, who was the chief architect of the 9/11 attacks against our country.” President Bush also briefly spoke to reporters, adding, “we expect to have this whole war on terror thing wrapped up by next week.”
Somalian AP writer Mohamed Sheik Nor reported that U.S. helicopters and one AC-130 gunship "fired several rockets on a dirt path” near the town of Afmadow in southern Somalia, killing the two of the last few Al-Qaida terrorists remaining in the world, along with 12 goats, 3 donkeys and a water buffalo.
TIGGER AUTOGRAPH MEET AND GREET RATED FOURTH MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN AMERICA
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A new Rollins Institute survey rates the most dangerous places in America. Topping the list are Camden, Detroit, St. Louis, and the Tigger autograph Meet and Greet at the Walt Disney World Resort.
COWHER AGONIZED OVER DECISION AT HIS NORTH CAROLINA FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
PITTSBURGH - This news source has learned that former Pittsburgh Steeler head coach Bill Cowher spent several agonizing days pondering his football future at his North Carolina Fortress of Solitude last week. The coach constructed his massive ice structure during the off season and his desire to spend time there contemplating the mysteries of the universe was an issue for the team most of last season.
Negotiations between team representatives and Coach Cowher’s agent stalled after Cowher rejected suggestions that he fly counter to the rotation of the earth at twice the speed of light in order to reach a point where he could pull Ricardo Colclough out of the lineup earlier in the season. “Is it tempting? Absolutely,” stated a subdued coach Cowher, “but with Ricardo, how far back do you go? The Oakland game? Draft day? At the end of the day, playing fast and loose with the laws of physics, you know, altering time, space – just isn’t good for the game.”
STEELERS TO INTERVIEW LOUD-MOUTH FAN FROM SECTION 515 FOR VACANT HEAD COACH POSITION
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers will interview an obnoxious season ticket-holder to fill their vacant head coach position, sources inside the club revealed today. The man, who remains anonymous, was ushered into the Steelers office on the South Side yesterday. One side of his face was painted all black. The other side of his face was painted all yellow. He was not wearing a shirt. According to one source close to the situation, the team was flooded with phone-calls and emails recommending this particular individual for the job almost immediately after former Coach Bill Cowher announced his resignation last Friday. "Everyone who sits near him in the stadium told us this fellow knows everything there is to know about the game of football,” he said. “Even better, he’s been offering instruction to our team for years, free of charge, from his lofty perch high atop Heinz Field, so he clearly has the lung capacity for the job.” One of the letters, obtained by this news source, claims that the loud-mouth fan in line for the head coaching job “can’t let one play go by without bellowing his opinion on what just transpired.”
When asked if the team had considered the possibility that the unsolicited show of support was an attempt to trick the Steelers into removing this person from Section 515 and placing him in a position where he would be exposed, once and for all, as a boorish simpleton, the official conceded the possibility. “However,” he added, “we have an obligation to explore every option before making our decision.”
GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES PLAN "E" AS IN "ED" FOR PENS
PITTSBURGH - The Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned that last week's well-publicized meeting between Mario Lemieux, Mayor Ravenstall, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onarato and Governor Ed Rendell resulted in a secret plan guaranteed to keep hockey in Pittsburgh. Labeled Plan "E" for its primary architect, Ed Rendell, it would have the Philadelphia Flyers playing two preseason games in Pittsburgh next season in the Mellon Arena, which the relocated Penguins will vacate. Mellon Arena will be renamed the Ravenstall Centre and will play host to numerous civic functions, Broadway-style entertainment and a year-round electric train exhibit."Plan E is a win-win for Pennsylvania," said Rendell. "It will keep hockey in Pittsburgh for many years and at the same time save the good taxpayers of the Commonwealth millions and millions of dollars." Rendell has no doubt the Flyers would agree to the new arrangement. "Other NHL teams in recent years have played preseason games in Middle of Nowhere, Nova Scotia, so I'm sure the Flyers will gladly do the same thing in Pittsburgh."
NEWS ROUNDUP
Bill Cowher repeated to reporters who caught up with him at his daughter's basketball game over the weekend that he resigned as Steelers head coach to spend more time with his family in North Carolina. In unrelated news, doctors at a North Carolina hospital say the accuser in the Duke Lacrosse sexual assault case finally had her baby, a boy, and that the child has an enormous chin.
NUMBER ONE MEETS NUMBER TWO FOR TITLE IN AMERICAN PORCELAIN COMPANY'S TOILET BOWL
GLENDALE, Ariz. - College football's season will finally end tonight with the American Porcelain Company's Toilet Bowl. Number one will meet number two for the national title. Before the game, number one's coach came under fire for saying that number "stinks."
CHENEY IN LIGONIER TO HUNT, WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA ON HIGH ALERT
The entire Westmoreland County Bar Association huddled in a bunker under the County Courthouse, and the lights of Greensburg were doused, until word came that the Vice President’s plane had moved out of Pennsylvania airspace.
NATIONAL RETAILERS ASSOCIATION LABELS CHRISTMAS SEASON “A DISASTER”
CALLS FOR ALL PATRIOTIC AMERICANS TO SPEND THEMSELVES INTO PERSONAL BANKRUPTCY TO JUMP-START ECONOMY 
ACTOR ATKINS THINKS HE REALLY IS ART ROONEY, ORDERS DAN ROONEY TO HIRE WHISENHUNT
PITTSBURGH - Following Saturday night's sell-out performance of The Chief at the O'Reilly Theater, the one-man show about Steelers patriarch Art Rooney starring the dean of Pittsburgh actors Tom Atkins, numerous witnesses reported that Atkins actually behaved as if he really was Rooney."It was the damnedest thing," director Ted Pappas said. "Tom approached Dan [Rooney] in the lobby and began berating him in front of hundreds of people for dragging his feet hiring Ken Whisenhunt" to replace Bill Cowher, who resigned as head coach of the Steelers on Friday. "Tom acted like he was Dan's father, there's no other way to describe it."
"What the hell's taking so long, Dan?" Atkins scolded Dan Rooney, in his best "Chief" voice. "Didn't your mother and I teach you better than that? Kenny's our kind of guy, a real Pittsburgher who doesn't put on airs and go around actin' like a big shot. When the hell you gonnna hire him?"
"At first everyone thought it was a joke," said Pappas. "But Tom kept it up, and he was really angry. I saw Dan's face break out in a cold sweat, the way it would if his old man was really standing there yelling at him."
"I was speechless," said Dan Rooney. "I could have sworn it was my father because at one point he ran off to a pay phone to check on a horse race."
PICKING STEELER COACH SUCH A RARITY, TEAM OFFICIALS MUST REFER TO ANCIENT PAPYRUS SCROLLS FOR PROCEDURE
ANTIQUATED TEXT FOUND IN CATACOMBS BENEATH RUINS OF THREE RIVERS STADIUM. INITIAL MISINTERPRETATION ALMOST LEADS TO SELECTION OF ROSIE O'DONNELL AS NEW COACH
COWHER RESIGNS
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS PROMISES ORDERLY SUCCESSION OF POWER, ADMINISTERS OATH TO WHISENHUNT, NEW COACH PARDONS COWHER FOR AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME LOSSES
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