IRAQ TERRORISTS JOIN STEELWORKERS; ATTACKS GRIND TO HALT
BAGHDAD - In a showing of solidarity, members of Baghdad ’s Sunni-based terror squads by more than a 2-1 margin approved representation by the United Steelworkers (USW), the union announced today. Voting was completed Monday at 12 locations in Bagdhad and outlying areas, where more than 14,000 Sunni terrorists turned out en masse to approve USW representation. In a related development, the UN Command reported earlier today that terror attacks and car bombing incidents seemed to have come to an abrupt halt, as the newest Sunni USW representatives took to the roadsides to picket work conditions, as well as pay and benefit packages being offered by terrorist leaders.
"The credit really belongs to our members and their families, whose solidarity prevented the terror leaders from short-changing them, despite all attempts," USW President Leo W. Gerard said after the vote. Gerard vowed that the strike will continue and all terror activities will come to a halt until the terrorists reach a collective bargaining agreement with terrorist leaders.
BUSH ORDERS RICE TO PROCREATE, SAYS SECRETARY OF STATE MUST SHARE COST OF IRAQ WAR
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush issued an executive order today compelling Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to bear a child she can sacrifice to the Iraq War. The order set no timetables for the conception or delivery of the child. However, it stipulates that the child will become the property of the Department of Defense within twenty-four months of age. Speaking with reporters at his Pentagon office, Secretary of Defense William Gates welcomed the news. “A two year old with exceptional crawling ability will give us greater flexibility in dealing with the insurgency,” he said.
Critics of the President insist his order is merely a reflexive, knee-jerk reaction to criticism of Ms. Rice by Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California) on Capitol Hill last week. In hearings held before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Senator Boxer chided Ms. Rice, saying the Secretary would not be “paying a price” for the war in Iraq because she has no children, or grandchildren. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow dismissed the remarks of Congressional Democrats as nothing more than naked partisanship. “The President is excited about our new 'Win a Date With The Secretary of State' contest,” he said. “It’s going to give Condi some much-needed down – and I do mean down–time, and it’s going to show the American people that we’re all doing our part to win this war.” Mr. Snow added that he hoped Senator Boxer would follow the example set by Secretary Rice. “The sooner she gets pregnant, the better,” he said. “You never know how soon we’re going to need another troop surge.”
KDKA INVESTIGATES: POLICE RESPOND AFTER WOMAN CALLS COMPLAINING OF “PRISTINE HOME IN OVERBROOK”
CITY POLICE SAY THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT, EVEN THE DOG SMELLED “LIKE DAISIES”Evelyn Shood, 89, of Overbrook, was awakened before sunrise this morning by a loud knock on her front door from city police responding to a call from a frantic next door neighbor who said she had concerns that something was amiss at the residence.
The neighbor, who refused to give her name, said that if the outside of the home was any indication of what was going on inside, she felt it was her civic duty to call for intervention.
Officer Shane O’Hara, who was just leaving the Caribou Coffee House on the South Side with a giant blueberry muffin as he prepared to report for his 7 a.m. shift, said he was “completely taken aback” by what he saw: an orderly, dust-free home.
According to KDKA reports, Mrs. Shood offered no resistance when Officer O'Hara demanded entrance, and, after politely asking the officer to “wipe his feet,” she kindly suggested he wear a pair of white gloves and sit down with her for a cup of tea.
“It took my breath away. The vacuum cleaner marks in the formal living room were perfectly parallel and evenly spaced. It was like looking at Augusta National. And every bed -- including the one in the spare room -- was made with hospital corners. There wasn’t a hint of mildew in the bathroom. The silverware was spotless. You could eat off the kitchen floor, literally. Even the Tupperware was stacked in a way that clearly demonstrated this woman exhibited exceptional spatial abilities,” said O’Hara.
The woman was promptly issued The Good Housekeeping Seal by the officer, according to KDKA-TV.
Repeated attempts to contact the next door neighbor who placed the call went unanswered at press time.
TOMLIN RETAINS JEDI MASTER DICK LEBEAU AS DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
PITTSBURGH New Steeler head coach Mike Tomlin today said he will rely heavily on coaching philosophy he learned early in his career while coaching in the Dagobah System. "Those years coaching the Rebels were invaluable to me," said Tomlin. "Even thought I was young and impatient, I learned to use tools that I may not have realized were at my disposal," he said, casually lifting sportswriter Ed Bouchette in the air with a wave of his hand. Tomlin announced he is retaining defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, pictured above.
RATING: THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACES IN AMERICA
PITTSBURGH - A new Carbolic Smoke Ball study lists the most dangerous places in America. Leading the list are Detroit, St. Louis and outside of Gate "A" at Heinz Field when Luke Ravenstahl attends a Steelers game.
IRAQ SUPREME COURT AFFIRMS FIRST AMENDMENT “RIGHT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP” IN NEW IRAQI CONSTITUTION
U.S. OFFICIALS HAIL DECISION AS “FIRST STEP TOWARDS DEMOCRACY”
PITTSBURGH “PLAYERS” COMPLAIN PORT AUTHORITY TRANSIT CUTS GIVING THEM “FEWER WAYS TO LEAVE THEIR LOVER”
CURTIS SLOGAN OF CARRICK DEEPLY UPSET, SAYS “HOP ON THE BUS, GUS” WAS FAVORITE WAY TO DUCK OUT, IF 51C ROUTES RESTRUCTURED, HE MAY HAVE TO CONSIDER “COMMITMENT”
About 100 men and 12 women, reeking of assorted Calvin Klein colognes, marched through downtown to the Hilton Hotel yesterday where they convened with another dozen to join the ranks of hundreds wanting to speak at the first hearing on the proposed cuts to PAT bus routing.
Curtis Slogan, who marched on the front line with another protester carrying a banner that read, "Make a new plan, Dan," says he will face financial hardship if 51C service is scaled back, because he will then have to “pay for dates and flowers and stuff.”
“Do you know how much it is to take a girl out to dinner, man? I can’t afford a girlfriend. I need a way to cut out after a night of knockin' boots, and I ain’t usin’ no Chevrolegs. It's cold out there. Hell, sometimes I'm so far out, I need a transfer. That's a long way to have to walk without having to musk up again,” shouted Slogan, to cheers from the crowd.
Peter Portsmouth, who says he’s had “about 14 girls in the past three months,” concurred. “Why is it everyone’s worried about the elderly? It’s always the elderly and the disabled. We need equal representation, too. I don’t want to be stranded with some broad that may have looked good when I was drunk, but you know, not so good the next morning. That’s the kind of stuff that messes with a guy’s head. Now that‘s undue hardship.”
County Executive Dan Onorato said he and other leaders are doing the best they can to take everyone's needs into consideration. "This isn't easy for any of us," he told the media. "Apparently, it's not easy for the easy, either."
About 100 men and 12 women, reeking of assorted Calvin Klein colognes, marched through downtown to the Hilton Hotel yesterday where they convened with another dozen to join the ranks of hundreds wanting to speak at the first hearing on the proposed cuts to PAT bus routing.Curtis Slogan, who marched on the front line with another protester carrying a banner that read, "Make a new plan, Dan," says he will face financial hardship if 51C service is scaled back, because he will then have to “pay for dates and flowers and stuff.”
“Do you know how much it is to take a girl out to dinner, man? I can’t afford a girlfriend. I need a way to cut out after a night of knockin' boots, and I ain’t usin’ no Chevrolegs. It's cold out there. Hell, sometimes I'm so far out, I need a transfer. That's a long way to have to walk without having to musk up again,” shouted Slogan, to cheers from the crowd.
Peter Portsmouth, who says he’s had “about 14 girls in the past three months,” concurred. “Why is it everyone’s worried about the elderly? It’s always the elderly and the disabled. We need equal representation, too. I don’t want to be stranded with some broad that may have looked good when I was drunk, but you know, not so good the next morning. That’s the kind of stuff that messes with a guy’s head. Now that‘s undue hardship.”
County Executive Dan Onorato said he and other leaders are doing the best they can to take everyone's needs into consideration. "This isn't easy for any of us," he told the media. "Apparently, it's not easy for the easy, either."
BREAKING NEWS
MIKE TOMLIN NAMED HEAD COACH OF STEELERS, WILL BE FLOWN TO UPMC MONDAY MORNING FOR CHIN IMPLANT
FORMER MAYOR MASLOFF ADMITS THAT OFFICER HOEHN HANDCUFFED AND DETAINED HER IN INCIDENT AT HER BRIDGE CLUB
PITTSBURGH - Former Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff addressed rumors that in the fall of 2005, she was arrested in connection with a disturbance outside the home of her friend, Mrs. Edna Farkowitz, 86 of Squirrel Hill, where she was attending a meeting of her bridge club. Masloff explained that she was caught in a crowd that pushed forward to gain entrance to Ms. Farkowitz's home. "Myself and other individuals in the front were really not even in control of ourselves," she said. "We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind." Officer Hoehn aggressively attempted to maintain order. "I told him who I was, and I told him I didn't appreciate the way he was treating my fellow bridge players, and I didn't appreciate the manner in which he represented the city of Pittsburgh," she said. "He expressed back to me that he didn't care for my opinion and didn't care what I had to say. But I didn't back down." The former mayor said she used language that he shouldn't have. "I said, 'You're a jerk,' is what I said." But, she added, "at no time did I physically contact the officer."
Officer Hoehn then handcuffed her and took her into Mrs. Farkowitz's living room. She sat, handcuffed and alone, for 10 or 15 minutes, she said. She was then taken into a security office Mrs. Farkowitz maintains in her den, and she and Officer Hoehn shook hands "like men," and agreed they both could have handled the situation better. Mayor Masloff said such incidents are common at Mrs. Farkowitz's house.
FORMER PITTSBURGH BISHOP WUERL ADMITS THAT OFFICER HOEHN HANDCUFFED AND DETAINED HIM IN INCIDENT PRIOR TO ALL SAINTS MASS IN 2005
PITTSBURGH - Former Pittsburgh Bishop Donald Wuerl, now Archbishop of Washington, D.C., addressed rumors that in the fall of 2005, he was arrested in connection with a disturbance outside of St. Paul's Cathedral as he was preparing to enter the church to say Mass on All Saints Day. Wuerl explained that he was caught in a crowd that pushed forward to gain entrance to the Cathedral."Myself and other individuals in the front were really not even in control of ourselves," he said. "We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind." Officer Hoehn aggressively attempted to maintain order. "I told him who I was, and I told him I didn't appreciate the way he was treating my fellow Catholics, and I didn't appreciate the manner in which he represented the city of Pittsburgh," he said. "He expressed back to me that he didn't care for my opinion and didn't care what I had to say. But I didn't back down." The Archbishop said he used language that he shouldn't have. "I said, 'You are acting uncharitably,' is what I said." But, he added, "at no time did I physically contact the officer."
Officer Hoehn then handcuffed him and put him into a confessional in the back of the Cathedral. He sat, handcuffed and alone, for 10 or 15 minutes, he said. He was then taken into a security office St. Paul's maintains, and he and Officer Hoehn shook hands "like men," and agreed they both could have handled the situation better. Archbishop Wuerl said such incidents are common at St. Paul's Cathedral on All Saints Day.
JIMMY "THE GREEK" SNYDER, DEAD SINCE 1996, CAN STILL PICK WINNERS
IT'LL BE THE BEARS OVER THE SAINTS BY 25, SAYS "THE GREEK" THROUGH OUIJA BOARDLAS VEGAS - Welcome aboard to our newest contributor to this news source, Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. The Greek has been dead since 1996, but he still has an uncanny knack for picking winners. This news source promises that if at any time The Greek's predictions from the Ouija board are tainted with racism, they will no longer appear on this page. But for now, with the NFL championship games several hours away, The Greek will give you his pick of the day: "Go with the Bears over the Saints by 25. I'm looking for the Bears to execute on big defensive plays, and to run, run, run."
RAVENSTAHL ADMITS THAT HE WAS HANDCUFFED, AND THAT HE LIKED IT
MRS. RAVENSTAHL: "THAT DETENTION HAS DONE WONDERS FOR OUR LOVE LIFE."
"PITTSBURGH'S FINEST" ROUGHED-UP LUKE RAVENSTAHL BEFORE THEY KNEW WHO HE WAS
But now Ravenstahl is the Don. "Today, I settle all family business . . ."
Officer Hoehn
Peduto 
McIntire
DESPONDENT MAN CLIMBS CLEMENTE BRIDGE, THREATENS TO CONSUME TOO MUCH WATER
"STAND BACK OR I'LL DRINK THE WHOLE DAMN THING," HE YELLED AS HE BRANDISHED A WATER BOTTLE. UNRULY YOUTHS GATHERED BELOW AND SCREAMED, "DRINK, DRINK, DRINK."PITTSBURGH - A despondent man whose identity is being withheld pending notification of family, Noah Swayne, 31 of Troy Hill, climbed the Clemente Bridge in rush hour last night and threatened to intoxicate himself with five 20 ounce bottles of Mt. Shasta Natural Spring Water. Pittsburgh Police closed the bridge and a counselor from the Pittsburgh Water Authority was called in to talk him down.
The standoff lasted for three hours, snarling traffic on the North Shore. Suddenly, at 8 p.m., a gust of wind scattered three of the bottles into the Allegheny River, and Swayne slowly made his way down. The bridge remained closed all night while police tried to recover the three fallen bottles. "We need to make sure those bottles don't fall into the wrong hands," said Commander Catherine McNeilly, in charge of the rescue.
The Water Authority counselor explained what prompted Swayne to finally come down: "He had to go to the bathroom."
OFFICER HOEHN GIVES HIS ACCOUNT OF RAVENSTAHL'S HEINZ FIELD INCIDENT
"THE YOUNG COUNCILMAN WAS HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM SO I HAD TO GIVE HIM A 'TIME-OUT.'"
PRESIDENT BUSH CEDES CONTROL OF IRAQ WAR TO ROBERT NUTTING
SON OF NEWSPAPER MAGNATE TO BECOME PRINCIPAL OWNER OF CONFLICT UPON RATIFICATION BY JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFFWASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush dropped his title as Commander in Chief of the United States forces in Iraq today, officially ceding control of the conflict to Robert “Bob” Nutting. The President will continue to be responsible for the day-to-day operations of the war, but final approval of all major decisions must be made after consultation – and with the blessing of - Mr. Nutting. In a statement released to reporters, Mr. Nutting said he was “deeply and resolutely committed to the success of the United States mission in Iraq. I understand how important the members of our armed forces are to the people of this region, and I share in their passion to see our military succeed. President Bush was supportive of this change of control, and it should provide absolute clarity to our friends and foes regarding the ownership structure of this war.”
At a joint White House press conference held on the Franklin Pierce veranda, both President Bush and Mr. Nutting seemed pleased with the new arrangement. “This is finally going to allow me to get back to doing the things I was elected to do,” said the President. Pressed for specifics, Mr. Bush had a quick response. “Jogging, cycling, swimming and golfing.” The jovial mood was broken, albeit briefly, when a reporter questioned Mr. Nutting about his commitment to winning the battle being waged on the front line of the war on terror. “I think that’s completely inappropriate,” he snapped. Mr. Nutting leaves this morning for Baghdad where he will meet with Sunni and Shiite officials. Mr. Nutting is expected to name Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield as head of the Iraqi Rebuilding Program some time next week.
STEELERS EXPAND COACHING SEARCH
PITTSBURGH - The Steelers introduced two new potential coaching candidates to fill Bill Cowher's position. Entertainers Soupy Sales and Donnie Iris were both given lengthy interviews at the team's South Side facility on Tuesday. Team President Art Rooney II addressed the media: " Soupy would bring a new philosophy to the team, with his pie-in-the-face style of defense. We were not sure what Donnie would bring to the table but as you might expect, he rocked. Both are very strong candidates."
STEELERS GIVEN TITLE "WORLD CHAMPIONS EMERITUS"
PITTSBURGH - The Pennsylvania State Legislature has adopted a resolution sponsored by Speaker Emeritus John Perzel naming the Pittsburgh Steelers "World Champions Emeritus," a title suggested by the Rooney family to "regain some of the pride Western Pennsylvanians felt last February" when the Steelers won the Super Bowl.The title is an honorary one that the NFL originally refused to recognize but now embraces in light of projections of significant revenue generation from the sale of merchandise bearing the new title.
Art Rooney II said he got the idea for the title after consulting with several friends in the Pennsylvania Republican Party. The GOP just named former state speaker Perzel to the newly created post of "Speaker Emeritus" after he lost the election for speaker to fellow Republican Dennis O'Brien. The position has no responsibilities or privileges. "I saw that he lost but he still got this very impressive title," Rooney explained, "and I figured, hey, we were 8-8. That's better than losing."
IRAQI EXECUTION TEAM DROPS FROM #3 TO #8 IN AP EXECUTION TOP 25
"WE LOOKED GOOD IN PRACTICE," SAID PRIME MINISTER AL-MALIKI, "BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO DO IT, WE JUST WEREN'T EXECUTING."
NEW YORK - Following the botched execution of Saddam Hussein and the accidental beheading of his half-brother, Barzan Ibrahim, the Iraqi execution team dropped from #3 to #8 in the AP Execution top 25, and from #3 to #11 in the ESPN/USA Today Poll. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki explained: "It's disappointing. We had a good week of practice, no tauntings, no beheadings. We looked sharp. But when it came time to do it, we went out and got our heads handed to us. We just weren't executing, so to speak." Al-Maliki refused to say if there would be any changes in the make-up of the team. "I'm not going to make any judgments until I get a good look at the film."
Prior to the U.S. invasion, the Iraqis had been a perennial powerhouse in worldwide executions, typically battling China, Somalia and North Korea for the top spot. It was ranked #1 in most pre-season polls this year. Analysts say that American coaching may be responsible for the Iraqis' problems. "Executions are a whole different sport in America," said ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit. "Americans are strong in the electric chair and the lethal injection events but the man-on-the-rope play hasn't been their strong suit since the early 20th Century." Most commentators feel that the team's performance could be enhanced by bringing back one or more pre-war coaches to work with the team on fundamentals.
BINDI IRWIN VOWS TO AVENGE HER FATHER’S DEATH, SAYS SHE WILL NOT REST UNTIL ALL STINGRAYS ARE DESTROYED
NEW YORK - Bindi Sue Irwin, the precocious child of famed “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin made the talk-show rounds yesterday and delivered a chilling message with crystal clarity. Appearing on “Live With Regis and Kelly,” Ms. Irwin said: “I wish to enlist the aid of all good-hearted people listening to the sound of my voice. If you love my father as much as I do, I ask that you help me avenge his murder by wiping every stingray from the face of the Earth! Take to the beaches with torches and spears! Destroy all stingrays!” Ms. Irwin’s father, Steve Irwin, was killed by a stingray while snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef . When host Regis Philbin attempted to remind Ms. Irwin that her father was a conservationist who devoted his life to animals, the little girl fixed her steely gaze upon him. “My desire for vengeance has completely overwhelmed my initial reaction to the senseless murder of my father,” she said. Ms. Irwin was referring to the moving speech she gave at the memorial service for her father, in which she asked all people to dedicate themselves to the preservation of wildlife around the world. “My words were taken out of context,” she said.
Ms Irwin added that she has enlisted the aid of both Japanese and Norwegian commercial fishing ventures to achieve her dream of stingray-free seas. “They promised me that as soon as they have captured and slaughtered every last whale, they’ll go after stingrays.” When Mr. Philbin reminded her that such a job “could take quite a while,” Ms. Irwin nodded. “I’ll bide my time,” she said.
The stingray suspected in the death of Mr. Irwin remains at large. Police say he should be considered barbed, and dangerous.
WHISENHUNT LOST STEELERS' JOB BECAUSE OF "DISCREPANCIES" IN HIS RESUME
RESUME ENTRY CLAIMING HE WAS "HEAD COACH OF THE STEELERS FROM 1999 TO PRESENT" FOUND TO BE ERRONEOUS
PIRATES ACQUIRE LA ROCHE
GM LITTLEFIELD HAS "NO IDEA" WHAT BUCS WILL DO WITH THE COLLEGE BUT SAYS HE'LL "FIGURE IT OUT" AS HE GOES
FDA TO REQUIRE WARNING LABELS FOR WARNING LABELS
WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration has concluded that because the warning labels displayed on tobacco and alcohol products are too alarming for some consumers, an additional warning label must be affixed to those products to alert people of the presence of the original warning label. The FDA is also considering whether a third label is necessary to make it clear that there will now be two warning labels.
Bradleys Roadhouse of locally owned Roadhouse Brewery sees some drawbacks with the new requirement. “I'm OK with warning labels in principle, except we're running out of room on our [beer] bottles," he said. To remedy this problem, Roadhouse said his company will give consumers two bottles for every one sold: one for the beer, the other for the warning labels.
BUSH DEPLOYS EAGLE SCOUTS TO BAGHDAD, WILL TRAIN IRAQI EXECUTIONERS
HOPES TO AVOID ACCIDENTAL BEHEADINGS AT FUTURE HANGINGS BY USING BETTER KNOT-TYING TECHNIQUES
GOLDEN GLOBE AUDIENCE STUNNED TO HEAR JACK NICHOLSON'S REAL-LIFE BRITISH ACCENT
"I'VE DECIDED TO LET EVERYONE SEE WHO I REALLY AM, JUST A KID FROM SHEFFIELD WHO'S BEEN PUTTING EVERYONE ON BY DOING A FUNNY AMERICAN ACCENT MOST OF MY LIFE," NICHOLSON SAID IN AN ACCENT SO THICK IT WAS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND HIM
PELOSI ASKS LARRY KING FOR HELP IN EXPEDITING FLOOR DEBATES, TALK-SHOW HOST NAMED ASSISTANT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing a need to move quicker on issues she called “vital to the American people,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) has hired renowned talk-show host Larry King as Assistant Speaker of the House. King, the host of CNN’s “Larry King Live,” will remain in his newly created position for the first one hundred days of the new Democratic-controlled Congress. Representative Pelosi said her willingness to be evenhanded and listen to the opinions of others was becoming a detriment. “I still don’t know if I have it in me to tell my former colleagues to shut up,” she said. For his part, Assistant Speaker King had no problem moving things along. Yesterday morning, King opened discussion on a bill designed to raise the minimum wage with “G o ahead, Ohio.” When stunned members of the Ohio delegation huddled to determine who would speak first, King became impatient. "Ohio?” he barked, before cutting off their time. “I’m afraid we’ve lost them,” he said. Mr. King, who wore a pair of suspenders embossed with the seal of the Congress of the United States, said he was “absolutely thrilled” to be able to do something for his country. “Just like Jack Kennedy asked me to,” he added. Mr. King promised to remain available to leaders of both parties should they need to extricate themselves from protracted discussions of complicated issues. “Nobody knows how to stop a filibuster quicker than I do,” he said.
CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL TEMPORARILY RESUCITATED TO TAKE OATH OF OFFICE
HARRISBURG - Doctors treating Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll momentarily removed her feeding tube earlier this morning in order for her to take the oath of office for her second term. Shortly after the oath was administered, Knoll’s life support was reconnected, and her doctors reported that she is resting comfortably.Lt. Governor Knoll’s Special Assistant Allison Stashick told reporters that she is fairly certain that Knoll was aware of her surroundings, and was even communicative during the ceremony. “She blinked her eyes several times while [Superior Court] Judge Todd was administering the oath,” said Stashick. Stashick added that Lt. Governor Knoll’s plan for her second term includes working with Gov. Rendell to continue his policies over the next four years, and sitting upright while meals are being served.
Knoll is not the only comatose politician serving Pennsylvania. Earlier this month, Bob Casey took the oath of office in the U.S. Senate after serving stints as Pennsylvania ’s Auditor General and State Treasurer.
ACCIDENTAL BEHEADING AT HANGING RAISES GREATEST OUTCRY IN IRAQ SINCE ACCIDENTAL HANGING AT BEHEADING IN 1994
Barzan Ibrahim moments before his hanging/decapitation
END IS NEAR FOR CASTRO: HE SUMMONS DESI ARNAZ TO SING "BABALU" FOR HIM ONE LAST TIME
ARNAZ BRINGS FRED MERTZ TO CHEER EL PRESIDENTE WITH HIS PATENTED SOFT SHOE ROUTINEHAVANA - A Spanish newspaper reported today that Fidel Castro is near death, and Cuban-born musician and television producer Desi Arnaz made his first trip to his native country in decades this morning to fulfill Castro's deathbed wish to hear "Babalu," Arnaz's biggest hit, one last time. Arnaz brought his next-door neighbor, ex-vaudevillian Fred Mertz with him to Havana to cheer Castro with his patented soft shoe routine.
"El Presidente had been calling for 'Babalu' for days," said one of Castro's nurses who spoke on condition of anonymity. The mood at the hospital reportedly was tense because while Arnaz and his band were setting up, the President's brother, acting Cuban President Raul Castro, asked Fidel if he "should kill [Arnaz]." Fidel's secretary quickly interceded and informed Raul that Mr. Arnaz had been married to Lucille Ball, "the zany redhead you are so crazy about." Raul smiled: "She funny," he said. "She very funny."
A look of contentment swept over Castro's face as the first bars of the song filled the room. "Now I can die in peace," he was heard to mutter. "Desi Arnaz has returned to Cuba."
BUSH'S SECRET FALLBACK PLAN FOR IRAQ: ACTOR SLIM PICKENS TO RIDE NUCLEAR BOMB INTO BAGHDAD
"I WANT HIM TO RIDE IT JUST THE WAY HE DID IN DR. STRANGELOVE," SAID THE PRESIDENT
POLICE CONTRAST TUESDAY'S SENSELESS SHOOTING WITH MONDAY'S QUITE SENSIBLE ONE
PITTSBURGH - Police called Tuesday's shooting that injured a convenience store owner downtown "senseless," in contrast with Monday's shooting downtown stemming from a domestic dispute, which police say was "quite sensible." The perpetrator in Tuesday's store owner shooting, police say, was a "perfect stranger" who had never met his victim. However, Monday's shooting victim had been married to his assailant for 31 years. Police Commander Noah Swayne said he is hoping Monday's shooting heralds "a renaissance of traditional values" and a "return to the good old days, when crime was committed by people who knew, and had reason to hate," their victim. "It's time to get crime off the streets and back in the kitchen where it belongs," Swayne said.
LATEST HEROIC SAVE OF WOULD-BE VICTIM FROM PATH OF SPEEDING TRAIN CALLED COPYCAT RESCUE
NEW YORK - Daniel Fitzpatrick, 38, an off-duty emergency medical technician, saved a woman who apparently intended to throw herself in front of a subway train in Brooklyn. The rescue came just a week after 50-year-old Wesley Autrey saved a young man from an oncoming train by placing his body over the teenager in a pit between the tracks. Police say they are concerned because the sensational publicity from the first rescue likely had a copycat effect prompting the second. They fear the latest rescue could spark more imitators. "We worry that every time a would-be hero sees a train about to hit someone, instead of phoning the police like he should, he'll dive on the tracks and try to save the poor fool, thus rendering the police superfluous," said Police Commander Hadley V. Baxendale. "Unfortunately, we have this modern press sensationalism to thank for that. And I don't think we've seen the end of this cycle."
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