DOG SAVES CLIMBERS

GOVERNMENT CAMP, Ore. - After three climbers and their dog disappeared over a ledge in a snowstorm on Mount Hood, their fellow climbers looked in vain for them. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away in a small town outside Seattle, a collie named Lassie, owned by 8-year old Timmy Martin, began to bark. "Why is that damn dog barking?" demanded Timmy's mother, 36-year old Ellen Martin. "There's no one in that damn well," she screamed at Lassie. But when Lassie grabbed the car keys from the dining room table and dragged Timmy to the family station wagon, Mrs. Martin began to think something could be wrong. Mrs. Martin, Timmy and Lassie hopped in, and it was off to Mount Hood.

"Lassie's a smart dog," Mrs. Martin later recounted, "she drove the whole way to Mount Hood. But that barking almost drove me back to illegal narcotics. At some point we're going to have to let someone die just to teach her a lesson." Arriving at Mt. Hood, Lassie quickly organized a rescue team and led the searchers to the stranded climbers in 22 minutes.

TWO ELEPHANTS AT THE PITTSBURGH ZOO ARE PREGNANT, PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TOM BRADY NAMED AS THE FATHER

PITTSBURGH - Dr. Barbara Baker, President of the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium, announced today that two of the elephants residing at the Pittsburgh Zoo are pregnant. In an even more shocking disclosure, Dr. Baker revealed that the “proud papa” of the two calves – expected to arrive in May or June of 2008 – is none other than New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. The mothers, Moja and Savanna, issued a joint statement through their publicist, Christine Papadopoulous, expressing joy that they were carrying the offspring of a certain NFL Hall of Famer. It read, in part: “The evening we spent with Tom is an evening we’ll never forget.”

The news comes days after Brady was named as the father of the child currently residing within the womb of his former girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, with whom he shared a three year relationship, and over a week since reports surfaced that he is the father of Daniellynn Smith, daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith. Don Yee, Brady’s agent, told the Associated Press that “Tom and his family are excited about the pregnancies, and want to thank everyone who has shown support, and particularly for their consideration of Tom’s privacy.”

According to Dr. Baker, when Brady learned that he had increased the size of the herd, he immediately offered to donate funds in order to increase the size of the elephant barn. “Tom made a generous donation” said Baker. “I am confident he will do the right thing and honor his paternal obligations.”

SIRIUS AND XM ANNOUNCE AMBITIOUS PLANS

NEW YORK The titans of satellite radio, Sirius and XM, announced plans to merge. The new company will reduce operating costs, provide greater variety to subscribers, and will build a Death Star by 2010. With the resources of both companies at their disposal, executives said they plan to put a man, rumored to be shock-jock Howard Stern, on the moon within two years. There are no plans to bring the man back.

RAVENSTAHL REJECTS PEDUTO DEBATE CHALLENGE; SPELLING BEE SCHEDULED INSTEAD

PEDUTO FUMES OVER LATEST RAVENSTAHL BILLBOARD

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S WILL FAILS TO RESOLVE WHO WILL INHERIT ESTATE

19-PAGE DOCUMENT PURPORTED TO DIVIDE FORTUNE BETWEEN DECEASED SON AND BARBARO

RAY LIOTTA CHARGED WITH DUI, BANNED FROM BASEBALL FOR LIFE

BUSH PERPLEXED WHEN ASKED IF HE EVER THINKS ABOUT HIS LEGACY

PREZ CONFIDES IN AIDE: "I DON'T EVEN OWN A SUBARU"

FIRST LOOK: BRITNEY SPEARS

NEWLY SHORN SPEARS LAYS ON FLOOR, SPINS AROUND LIKE TOP WHILE SHOUTING "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!"

DONNY AND MARIE OSMOND ENDORSE MITT ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT, CANDIDATE DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS “A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY, AND A LITTLE BIT ROCK AND ROLL”

HEAD OF PENNDOT EXECUTED BEFORE A TAUNTING CROWD

HARRISBURG – With an efficiency rarely seen in state government, the head of PennDOT was tried and executed within three hours today before a jeering crowd of witnesses at the so-called "Snow Tribunal" called in Harrisburg to adjudicate wrongdoing associated with the state's severe winter weather last week. Allen Biehler was charged with crimes against both humanity and Pennsylvanians after PennDOT’s poor response to the snow and ice storm that began February 14.

A cavalcade of storm victims took the witness stand to describe collisions, ruined suspensions, and cold and lonely hours trapped on interstate highways by the storm. Many dissolved into tears as they described the ordeal. Biehler periodically interrupted the proceedings by defiantly shouting, “It was a perfect storm! It’s better to leave a layer of snow on the road!” At one point he shouted, "Death to America," but quickly caught himself. The panel of Justices ultimately ordered him removed from court, and Biehler was forced to watch the testimony on closed-circuit television over the objections of his attorneys.

After deliberations lasting less than ten minutes, the Court handed down a 5-0 decision finding Biehler guilty on all counts and sentencing him to death. Four Justices did not participate in the decision because they were not able to dig out their cars.

State officials had hoped for a dignified hanging, but the execution witnesses began to jeer Mr. Biehler as he entered the concrete-block chamber. Most of the taunts cannot be reprinted here. Television stations did not show the entire execution, but showed Mr. Biehler refusing a hood for his head and the noose being placed around his neck.

In a statement after the execution, Governor Ed Rendell said, “Today, Allen Biehler was executed after receiving a fair trial. Biehler’s execution comes at the end of a difficult week for Pennsylvania. Bringing Biehler to justice will not end the road problems right away, but at least it takes the heat off of me.” Rendell retracted a statement he had made Saturday: "I accept full responsibility for what happened and our inadequate and unacceptable response. Of course, I was just re-elected and I'm never running again, so there's not much voters can do to get back at me."

BAGHDAD CITY COUNCIL PASSES NO-SMOKING BAN IN BARS, RESTAURANTS, WILL VOTE ON NO-BEHEADINGS BAN AT NEXT MEETING

SIKH PARENTS STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH DISRESPECTFUL SIKH TEENS WHO INSIST ON WEARING TURBAN BACKWARDS

LEADING CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST COUNSELS MIX OF PATIENCE, COMMUNICATION, VIOLENCE

Chia-Britney to Hit Stores This Week

IRANIAN DIPLOMAT ABDUCTED BY MEN WEARING INDIANAPOLIS COLTS UNIFORMS

BUSH SAYS INSURGENTS ACCESS TO OFFICIALLY LICENSED NFL MERCHANDISE “COULD MAKE EVILDOERS TOUGHER TO DETECT”

BAGHDAD - An Iranian diplomat was abducted Sunday on a crowded downtown street in a brazen daylight kidnapping by a group identified as “The Soldiers of Manning.”

Authorities say the diplomat, whose identity has not been revealed by the Iranian State Department, was enticed into the vehicle with the promise of Super Bowl tickets. According to witnesses, a group of men wearing the uniforms of the Indianapolis Colts approached the victim, and, after a brief discussion, were seen pushing him into a vehicle. The vehicle sped off at a high rate of speed, and was later found abandoned on the Hussein Expressway.

CIA officials have spent the past forty-eight hours scrutinizing video-taped film of the Super Bowl, but have yet to find the diplomat in the crowd, or on the sideline. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall said the league had conducted a thorough investigation of the incident.

“We are certain that no members of the Indianapolis Colts were involved in the dastardly act perpetrated against this individual,” said Goodall. The Commissioner then delivered a recitation on the league’s policy against kidnapping, which, for first-time offenders, carries a mandatory one-game suspension.

A CIA spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the tactics employed by the kidnappers reflect a greater level of sophistication. Speaking with reporters at the White House today, President Bush said that “kidnappings by groups like The Soldiers of Manning show just how high the stakes are for us in Iraq .” The President expressed confidence the Iraqi police would locate the unnamed diplomat in due time. “They’ve never let us down before,” he said.

GIVE A LISTEN . . .

Check out the DVE Morning Show's sizzling Web site which links to recent Carbolic broadcasts. Give a listen here and here.

WOMAN DUMPS BOYFRIEND WHEN SHE FINDS TAINTED PETER PAN PRODUCT CODE "2111" EMBOSSED ON HIS BUTTOCKS

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL BLAMES "FAULTY INTELLIGENCE" FOR PREDICTION OF EARLY SPRING

Still believes we should "stay the course," Democrats to hold hearings next week

DICK SKRINJAR SAYS, "CONVENTION CENTER IS GREAT!"

INVENTOR OF TV REMOTE ROBERT ADLER DIES AT 93, ASHES IMMEDIATELY MISPLACED

MILLIONS OF AMERICAN MEN START PETITION DRIVE FOR ANNUAL NATIONAL HOLIDAY IN ADLER'S HONOR

STEELERS COACH TOMLIN BREAKS INTO SONG ABOUT MEN

Routine question about player evaluation leads to chorus of “Stout-Hearted Men”

PITTSBURGH – Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin unexpectedly broke into the Broadway tune “Stout-Hearted Men” at his weekly new conference today, revealing a clear tenor voice to the assembled reporters.

Since his introductory news conference, Tomlin has consistently referred to Steelers players as “men” or “the men.” Still, reporters at the news conference were surprised when Tomlin stepped away from the podium, looked into the distance, and belted out, “Give me some men who are stout-hearted men…Start me with ten, who are stout-hearted men/And I’ll soon give you ten thousand more!” His performance was met with polite, and perplexed applause.

Tomlin later explained his actions. “Besides football, show tunes are my passion. I know people don’t ordinarily break into song in everyday life, but ‘Stout-Hearted Men’ perfectly captures my coaching philosophy. ‘Shoulder to shoulder, bolder and bolder’ says it all. I put together a Broadway medley for my interview with the Rooneys, and I think that’s what sealed the deal.”

Previously, Tomlin had been heard humming the theme song to the CBS comedy, “Two and a Half Men,” but this was the first time he broke out into song. Longtime Steelers writer Gerry Dulac, who was at the news conference, said, “He did a pretty good job singing, but he’s no Frenchy Fuqua. That guy could sing a ballad that would knock your socks off. Maybe Mike could work on a few more showstoppers.” Tomlin said he is indeed working on a few other tunes. “I’m going wait to see how the season goes before deciding on the next song,” he said. “But none of that Andrew Lloyd Webber crap. I’m strictly a Rogers and Hammerstein man.”

Steelers guard and co-captain Alan Faneca was still in Hawaii vacationing when he heard about the singing coach. “I said it before and I’ll say it again --- I wanted Russ [Grimm] to get the job.” Tomlin had no comment on Faneca’s statement, other than to begin humming “So Long, Farewell” from "The Sound of Music."

TUNE IN TO KDKA TV NEWS TONIGHT FOR MARTY GRIFFIN'S REPORT

"COULD THE SCARE-REPORTS SHOWN BY LOCAL TV NEWS DURING SWEEPS MONTH BE MAKING YOU SICK?"

PEDUTO WANTS MAYOR TO DON PAPER BAG OVER HEAD IN PUBLIC

BEING THE "FACE OF PITTSBURGH" GIVES RAVENSTAHL UNFAIR ADVANTAGE, SAYS COUNCILMAN

REP. DEWEESE GIVES UP DRIVER, PIT CREW IS NEXT TO GO

NON-BINDING RESOLUTION COVERS MUCH GROUND

WASHINGTON -- After a contentious debate, the House on Friday passed a non-binding resolution rebuking President Bush's decision to send 20,000 additional troops to Iraq. Lawmakers from both parties used the high-profile resolution as an opportunity to tack on numerous non-binding riders to the resolution.

One proposed rider labeling Bush as "a weenie" was defeated; however, a compromise rider calling the president a "chucklehead" passed with 17 Republicans crossing party lines to support it. Debate on another rider lending support to the troops serving in Iraq turned heated when some Democratic lawmakers wanted to specify the precise manner in which Congress supported the troops. Republicans countered that if such detail were spelled out in the resolution, it likely would encourage the insurgency. In the end, lawmakers agreed to add a non-binding platitude, rather than a non-binding resolution, simply stating, "Way to go, soldier!"

Another rider sponsored by Democrats called for a "sugar surge" to boost the sugar and caffeine levels in the diets of troops serving in Iraq, thereby increasing soldier productivity and eliminating the necessity of an actual troop surge. The rider was stalled, however, as Congress was deadlocked over whether to provide the troops with Hostess Ho-Ho's or Dolly Madison Zingers. A compromise rider calling for Ding-Dongs was scheduled for debate on Monday morning.

PIRATES UPDATE: LINCOLN INJURED, MARY TODD UNHARMED, J.W. BOOTH IN CUSTODY

He's One Baaaaad Murtha . . .

MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL INCITES RIOT WIELDING GIANT ICICLE DURING PENGUINS GAME

PITTSBURGH - This news source has recently acquired this photo sent by an attendee of last Wednesday evening's hockey game, who released it to us on the condition of "top secret" anonymity.

At press time, the mayor defended his actions, issuing a brief statement that he was only trying to protect the hockey players from "crazy fans."

GENE COLLIER SHOW: FEB.24, WITH JOHN MCINTIRE, AND OPENING ACTS (SELECTED BY CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL) ANDY LIMBERG AND T. JONES

HEAD OF FDA RECALLS PETER PAN PEANUT BUTTER -- FONDLY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a prepared statement, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Andrew C. von Eschenbach recalled the popular peanut butter Peter Pan today.

"How fondly I recall Peter Pan!" said Eschenbach. "It doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth. Picky people pick Peter Pan peanut butter, it's the peanut butter picky people pick. I love you, Peter Pan!"

BUCS' PITCHER MASUMI KUWATA WAS LAST OF JAPANESE HOLDOUTS STILL FIGHTING WWII YEARS AFTER IT ENDED

PIRATES TOLD KUWATA HE WAS A PRISONER OF WAR AND WAS BEING SHIPPED TO AN AMERICAN POW CAMP ON PITTSBURGH'S NORTH SHORE

BRADENTON - Pirates' pitcher Masumi Kuwata, a former Japanese intelligence officer stationed in Lubang Island in the Philippines near the conclusion of World War II, is the last of the famous Japanese holdouts who was still fighting World War II years after it ended. All of Kuwata's platoon mates were slain or captured by Allied forces and news of Japan's surrender never reached Kuwata, who hid for years in a dense jungle where he continued his campaign as a guerrilla fighter, refusing to surrender and dismissing as a ruse every attempt to convince him that the war was over.

Pittsburgh Pirates scout Kent Tekulve, vacationing in the Philippines in 2006, was hiking one morning when he found Kuwata throwing apples at a tree. Kuwata's pinpoint control so impressed Tekulve that he immediately telephoned General Manager Dave Littlefield and got the go-ahead to sign him. But Kuwata refused to believe that the war was over unless he received orders to lay down his arms from a superior officer.

Within hours, the Pirates dressed batting champion Freddy Sanchez in the garb of a World War II Japanese commanding officer and flew him to the Philippines to order Kuwata to lay down his arms. "Freddy has an indistinct ethnicity about him," said Dave Littlefield. Bob Nutting, the Pirates' principal owner, instructed Sanchez what to say to Kuwata. Sanchez explained his encounter with the Japanese warrior: "In my best Japanese, I told Kuwata he was a prisoner of war," said Sanchez, "and that he was being shipped to an American POW camp on Pittsburgh's North Shore." Kuwata reluctantly laid down his sword and surrendered, and that is how the Pirates signed Kuwata to pitch for no pay.

Littlefield said that Kuwata will fit in well with the Pirates. "He will keep fighting long after it is apparent to every reasonable person that the cause is hopeless, that the war has been lost."

JACK WILSON FIGURINE SAYS IT REFUSES TO SHARE PEDESTAL WITH SLACKER CASTILLO FIGURINE

SICK BOY'S "MAKE-A-WISH" REQUEST: THAT TOP BRASS AT MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION BE GIVEN THE AX

WASHINGTON - The Make-A-Wish Foundation has a wish of its own: that it had never met 14-year old Adam Kidd. Last month the Foundation alerted Kidd, suffering a life-threatening disease, that he was eligible to have one wish granted. Unlike the wishes that the Foundation normally grants -- a visit to a favorite theme park or to meet a revered athlete -- Adam wished for the entire upper management of the 'Make-A-Wish Foundation' to be tossed out on their cans. "In the words of the 'Make-A-Wish' brochure," Adam explained, "that is my one 'heartfelt desire, my spontaneous, joyful impulse.'"

"See, I need to leave my mark on something, and this just seemed to be the way to go," Adam said. "Hell, if I had wished to go to Disney World, would the press be talking to me now?"

With no alternative, Bradleys Roadhouse, President of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, tendered his resignation to Adam last week. "I told Adam I just needed a few weeks to tie up some loose ends," Roadhouse told a reporter today. "Well, you can imagine my delight when the hospital called me this morning to tell me that Adam may not make it through the weekend," Roadhouse said. "I'm starting to breathe a little easier."

GIULIANI TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

EX-NYC MAYOR ANNOUNCED HE WAS RUNNING WHILE STILL WEARING DUST MASK FROM 9/11. "THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN JUST THAT ONE DAY . . . BUT DID I MENTION HOW I TOOK CONTROL OF THE CITY AMIDST THE CHAOS OF THE TERRORIST ATTACK?"

BUSH SAYS IRAN SUPPLYING IRAQ WITH DEADLY WEAPONS, PETER PAN PEANUT BUTTER TO BE USED AGAINST AMERICANS

SKRINJAR: CITY STREETS, ALLEYWAYS, SIDEWALKS ALL CLEAR AND DRY

"THE HEATING COILS THE MAYOR HAD PUBLIC WORKS INSTALL LAST WEEK WORKED PERFECTLY"

CALIFORNIA WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO KILL HUSBAND WITH WASPs

STANISLAUS COUNTY, Calif. - In a bizarre murder plot, 50-year-old Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne is facing attempted homicide charges after unleashing a swarm of White, Anglo-Saxon Protestants on her husband, Noah Swayne, as he was preparing to enter his vehicle after work.

According to the police report, "the elitists traveled cross-country by yacht from Newport, Rhode Island and planned to have the would-be victim succumb to the superiority of their old money influence before they beat him with polo mallets." Their plot failed, according to Police Chief Adam Kidd, "as their small talk about prep schools in New England deteriorated into a lively debate about the best place for a summer home – the Hamptons or -- the Hamptons." The debate lasted long enough for Swayne to slip away without harm.

Telephone calls to Swayne were not returned, but one witness, a fellow employee saw the entire incident. “At first, I wasn’t sure they were WASPs – there’re not many left, you know,” explained Bradleys Roadhouse. “But, then I saw the tailor-made suits and heard one of the speaking kind of uppity. I knew to take cover. I didn’t want to get hit over the head with a Forbes Magazine or something.”

Police blame the plot, in part, on the popularity of the Sopranos, a televisions show that portrays the violent ways of another ethnic group and are fearful of other groups, such as the WASPs, sprouting up "to cause harm."

AMERICAN IDOL AND THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH PATERNITY SWEEPSTAKES TRIM CONTESTANTS TO FINAL 24

A NOTE TO OUR FANS

Carbolic Smoke Ball has the day off from DVE's Morning Show tomorrow because Jim and Randy are on vacation

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL WILL NOT REPORT THAT UTAH MALL KILLER WAS MUSLIM

COMMENTARY - This news service announced today that it will not report the fact that 18-year-old Sulejman Talovic, who killed five people before he was shot to death in a crowded Salt Lake City shopping mall, was a Muslim.

"It simply is not pertinent to this story that this young Muslim fanatic, who was bent on killing as many innocent Americans as possible with the same Islamic zeal as his September 11 Muslim brethren, was a Muslim," said Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Judge Rufus Peckham. "Therefore, we will not report, nor will we even mention, that this young Muslim fanatic was, in fact, a Muslim."

The FBI has ruled out Islamic terrorism as a motive for the killings. Judge Peckham said he accepts this characterization, "as far-fetched as that might sound to an objectively reasonable person."

PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT ROCK SALT

WONDERS WHEN HE’LL BE ASKED TO EXPRESS HIS OPINION ON THE STATE OF CONTEMPORARY MUSICAL THEATER, WAR ON TERROR

PATRIOTS COMPETE FOR BRAGGING RIGHTS IN ANNA NICOLE SMITH PATERNITY SWEEPSTAKES

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - The paternity sweepstakes for Anna Nicole Smith's baby just got more competitive. The entire 53-man roster of the New England Patriots, as well as their equipment manager, pictured here outside the hotel room where Smith died, filed legal documents in a Florida court yesterday claiming that each of them is the father of Smith's baby, Danielynn.

After Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, entered the paternity fight this week, several other celebrities are rumored to be close to filing paternity claims, including weatherman Al Roker and talk show personality Rosie O'Donnell. Serial celebrity inseminator Kevin Federline issued a statement that he was "sitting out" this particular paternity sweepstakes. The Duke Lacrosse team was unavailable for comment.

PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA ANNOUNCES NAME CHANGE

WILL NOW ANSWER TO “THE PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR FORMERLY KNOWN AS GUY COSTA,” “G-DIDDY,” OR “PUFF COSTA”

COWHER'S FAMILY HAS "HAD ENOUGH OF HIM," FORCES HIM TO GET JOB

PITTSBURGH ZOO CLOSED FOR SNOW, IMPORTING OF POLAR BEARS

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Zoo was closed due to the winter storm today, but that did not stop the Zoo from trumpeting its new Polar Life exhibit. The Zoo's Managing Director Barbara Baker said that the popularity of the Zoo's recent Polar Bear additions inspired her to create an entire area devoted to polar life. The Zoo issued a press release that included this photo of two bears wrestling today in the new exhibit.

NYC FEARS TIMES SQUARE BECOMING SEEDY AGAIN, MOVES TO CLEAN IT UP BY KEEPING DANIEL RADCLIFFE OUT

MIKHAIL GORBACHEV JOINS STAFF OF CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL

LAST LEADER OF SOVIET UNION SLATED TO COVER PITTSBURGH CITY HALL, WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR DEVELOPING STORY LINES DEPICTING MAYOR RAVENSTAHL AS A KID

WARHOL MUSEUM CLOSED DUE TO WINTER STORM, ATTENDANCE RUNNING "ABOUT NORMAL"

UTAH TEEN RAPES FIVE, TURNS PENIS ON SELF

NAMES OF VICTIMS, NICKNAME FOR PENIS WITHHELD

AMIDST ONSLAUGHT OF FROZEN PRECIPITATION, PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA DELIVERS ROUSING SPEECH TO EMBATTLED ROAD CREWS

“EVEN IF ALLEGHENY COUNTY AND ITS PUBLIC WORKS DEPARTMENT LAST A THOUSAND YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR”