THIS IS HOW WEDNESDAY'S MEETING WITH LEMIEUX, RENDELL AND ONORATO WILL GO DOWN

Penguins' principal owner Ron Burkle obtains a gun for Lemieux. "It's as cold as they come," Burkle tells him. "Impossible to trace. I left it noisy. That way, it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away. Walk out of the place. Don't run. Don't look nobody directly in the eye, but don't look away, either."

The Penguins learn that the secret meeting is to take place at Louis' in South Philly. They arrange to tape the gun behind the toilet in the men's room for Mario to retreive at some point during the dinner. At 8:00 p.m., Rendell and Onorato pick up Lemieux in their limousine. Lemieux is surprised when it appears they are taking him to New Jersey instead of South Philly.

But then, the car does a 180 on the Walt Whitman Bridge, back into Philly.

On the way to the restaurant, Rendell tells Lemieux, "I really want to frisk you, Mario. It's been so long since I've been with an athlete. Please, let me feel you."

The men arrive at Louis'.

"Try the veal. It's the best in the city," Onorato tells Rendell. Then he adds: "I'm going to speak to Mario in French." Onorato and Lemieux converse in French, but Lemieux has no idea what Onorato is saying because, as Lemieux later explained, "[Onorato] really doesn't know how to speak French."
Mario says he has to go to the bathroom. "Oh, let me frisk him again," Rendell pleads. Onorato says "no" and Mario leaves.

Mario finds the gun behind the toilet.

Mario comes back into the dining room and ends the negotiations.

TRANSCRIPT RELEASED OF RENDELL-LEMIEUX EXCHANGE THAT LED TO "IMPASSE" OVER NEW ARENA

LEMIEUX'S FAMOUS TEMPER ALMOST SCUTTLED DEAL

[Mario Lemieux finishes telling story that elicits laughter from group]

Gov. Ed Rendell: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.

Mario Lemieux: [Deadly serious] What do you mean I'm “funny”?

Gov. Ed Rendell: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy. [Laughs]

Mario Lemieux: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?

Gov. Ed Rendell: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

[It becomes quiet]

Mario Lemieux: Funny how? What's funny about it?

Dan Onorato: Mario, no, You got it all wrong.

Mario Lemieux: No, no, Dan. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?

Gov. Ed Rendell: (Very uncomfortable) Just...

Mario Lemieux: What?

Gov. Ed Rendell: Just... ya know... you're funny.

Mario Lemieux: (Angry) You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know, maybe it's me, I'm a little f***ed up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f***in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Gov. Ed Rendell: (Frightened) Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Mario Lemieux: (Very angry) No, no, I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the f**k am I funny, what the f**k is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Gov. Ed Rendell: (long pause, realizes Mario is putting him on) Get the f**k out of here, Mario!

[Everyone laughs]

Mario Lemieux: (Laughing) Ya motherf***er! I almost had him, I almost had him! I wonder about you sometimes, Eddie! You may fold under questioning!

FDA ORDERS END OF DRUG COMPANIES’ PRACTICE OF HYPING SUPPOSEDLY DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECTS TO BOOST SALES

"FOUR HOUR ERECTION" ENEMY NUMBER ONE

WASHINGTON, DC – The Food and Drug Administration today ordered the end to what it calls “side-effects hyping” by the nation’s pharmaceutical companies. “It’s the old ‘Jeckyll and Hyde’ syndrome,” explained FDA Director Dr. Noah Swayne. “Make something seem exciting and bad, and people naturally gravitate toward it.”

What Swayne is referring to are those warnings about medications causing other problems such as dizziness or nausea, delivered in a stylish, inviting manner at the end of the ad. "When people hear that the drug can do all these dangerous things," Swayne explained, "they conclude that it must be really powerful, that it works, so of course they want it." Swayne said that over the years the drug companies have gone to great lengths to invent these thrilling side effects to boost sales, but the practice has gotten out of hand.

It's no coincidence, Swayne said, that the number one selling prescription drug in the country is a treatment for impotence. “One of the supposed dangerous side effects is that it may cause a four hour erection and you should call your doctor if it happens,” said Swayne, “Now, come on! Every guy hears that and says 'Now that's the kind of dangerous side effect I want.' And by the way, we have no record of any doctor every being called. Obviously, if you're fortunate enough to have such a side effect, your doctor is the last person you're going to call.”

SHERIFFS' ASSOCIATION SUES TO KEEP THEIR OFFICES AS ELECTED POSITIONS

Important source of income will be lost if sheriffs can no longer shake down employees for "campaign funds"

COULTER'S REMARKS STIR CONTROVERSY

WASHINGTON Prior to the release of her new book "How to Deep Fry Puppies," conservative pundit Ann Coulter is grabbing headlines by using what most people would consider shocking statements. While addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington last week, Coulter labeled Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards a "Political Mastermind," stunning the Republican gathering.

Republican presidential candidates quickly distanced themselves from Coulter's remarks. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney said, "I spoke to her earlier today and she said Edwards had nice hair. I told her I had nice hair, too, and she called me a 'faggot.'"

Arizona Senator John McCain said, "Ann Coulter doesn't speak for all Republicans. I told her that she was free to speak her mind and the party was free to disagree. That's when she called me a 'pasty faced old faggot.'"

Former New York Mayor Rudi Giuliani brushed off Coulter's remarks. "Her apparent endorsement of Edwards may have had something to do with her medications, I don't know. As far as what she said to the other candidates, I'm not sure she knows the meaning of the word 'faggot.'" Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, another presidential candidate, disagreed with Giuliani. "I believe she knows exactly what it means," said Brownback. "She called me a 'cornholing, fudgepacking, panty wearing faggot.' I think that shows a pretty good understanding of the word."

The furor over Coulter's heartfelt admiration of John Edwards completely overshadowed her announcement that she had joined the Ku Klux Klan.

DR. PERPER KNOWS WHAT KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH, BUT HE WON'T SAY UNTIL MAY SWEEPS

Non-telegenic coroner tapes series of teasers for 'Entertainment Tonight'

COFFEE PITCHMAN JUAN VALDEZ SEIZES CONTROL OF COLOMBIAN GOVERNMENT IN MILITARY COUP, MARS BUSH TRIP

WELL-KNOWN ICON CUTS OFF COFFEE EXPORTS TO U.S.; U.S. COFFEE DRINKERS CALL FOR INVASION

BOGOTA, Colombia - In the midst of President Bush's visit, Colombia's favorite son, beloved coffee pitchman Juan Valdez seized control of the Colombian government and ousted democratically elected president Alvaro Uribe Velez last night in a military coup sparked by a wave of discontent among Colombia's half-million coffee growers, El Campesinos.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said that as soon as President Bush learned of the coup, he "cut and ran the hell out of there."

Valdez immediately named his popular sidekick mule, Conchita, as Vice President.

In Valdez's first address to the nation, the former spokesman for the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia shocked U.S. officials by announcing he is cutting off all exports of Colombian coffee to the United States, a move denounced by President Bush as an act of terrorism.

In the wake of Valdez's action, President Bush announced that the U.S. government would release hundreds of tons of stockpiled caffeine to ease the pending crisis. Meanwhile, Starbucks Coffee announced it was jacking up the price of its House Blend "Tall" to $12 per cup, causing seventeen U.S. Senators to jointly demand hearings on coffee price gouging.

Coffee drinkers across America, both liberal and conservative, joined together in protests calling for U.S. troops to be sent to Colombia. At a rally in New York City, New York Times columnist and coffee drinker Maureen Dowd called for the military "to take back the coffee fields at whatever cost, even if it means slaughtering innocent Colombians."

EARLY DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME CAUSES CITY TO MISS DEADLINE, PENS LEAVE ABRUPTLY

BIN LADEN TURNS 50

IN CASE YOU'VE MISSED OUR SPOTS ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW . . .

MARCH 9: LISTEN HERE

(For prior shows, see list to the right)

PENGUIN MANAGEMENT, LOCAL OFFICIALS DECLARE AN IMPASSE IN ARENA TALKS

JOINT CHIEFS, KISSINGER URGE RENDELL TO RESUME SATURATION BOMBING “TO BRING THEM BACK TO THE TABLE”

NOW PRESIDENT PROTESTS EQUAL TREATMENT OF MEN ON ‘AMERICAN IDOL’

"Let’s face it --- those guys stink and they’re taking spaces away from qualified women,” president says

WASHINGTON, DC --- National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy called a news conference today to denounce ‘American Idol’ producers for treating the men and women equally.

Since the initial auditions around the country, the male singers have been especially weak. That trend continued through Hollywood Week, but when it came time for the judges to pick the 24 finalists, they were forced to choose equal numbers of men and women to continue on in the competition. Since then, men and women have been voted off in equal numbers.

“It’s been obvious to everyone that the men don’t deserve the twelve slots reserved for them,” Ms. Gandy said. “Their performances have ranged from so-so to awful to creepy. Meanwhile, talented women are sitting at home, victims of discrimination.” Asked by reporters why she didn’t support equality in all fields, Gandy said, “Fifty-fifty is fair when it’s to our advantage --- like in firefighting positions or police work. But when men need the leg up, absolutely not. If men can’t do the job, they should not be taking positions away from women who can.”

MARCH 11 COMPUTER GLITCH PROVIDES LAST GASP TO STRUGGLING Y2K BUSINESS

PORT VUE - In the late 1990s, software programmer Noah Swayne's business was booming because his specialty was preventing Y2K problems. The potential disasters associated with the so-called Millennium Bug never materialized. Unfortunately for Swayne, he never diversified his business.

Since January 1, 2000, Swayne has witnessed a sharp decline in customers. "In fact, I had no business at all," Swayne said. "One day I have more business than I can handle, going to Atlantic City every weekend, the next day, poof, it's all gone."

Swayne hung on, waiting for the next computer-generated cataclysm, and he's hoping the March 11 bug is, in his words, "the big one." The nation's computers, he explained, are not prepared for the early start of daylight saving time on March 11th. So once again, Swayne is working eighteen hour days, patching desktops and laptops. After this, "Who knows?" he said. "I'm just grateful this new problem surfaced. I don't know if I could hang on for Y3K."

LOCAL DRAMA UNFOLDS: KDKA'S MARTY GRIFFIN CLAIMS HE IS FATHER OF LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR KRISTINE SORENSEN'S UNBORN BABY

IN OTHER NEWS, THE MAN KNOWN ONLY AS "THE HUSBAND" OF FORMER KDKA ANCHOR-TURNED-ENTREPRENEUR JENNIFER ANTKOWIAK MAKES SHOCKING CONFESSION: "I AM NOT REALLY THE FATHER OF HER 17 CHILDREN. SOMEBODY, PLEASE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS MESS, FAST"

REMEMBERING BARBARO: THE AFTERLIFE OF AMERICA'S FAVORITE HORSE

IRAQ OFFERS TO HELP RAVENSTAHL

PITTSBURGH - Following news that the Penguins informed Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that they "are at the end of their rope" and that talks for a new arena have reached an impasse, the mayor received a quick offer of assistance from half a world away. The Iraqi execution team forwarded the mayor what mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar described as "a very cordial note."

"Hearing that an entire hockey team could be at the end of their rope is a very exciting prospect for us," said execution team captain Mahdi Temimi. "Hanging twenty or so men could really boost our morale."

The mayor and Gov. Ed Rendell have declined the Iraqi offer "for the time being," and insist that they can hammer out a deal.

BREAKING NEWS: JOHN ROCKER A DUMBASS

Former Braves closer admits to using HGH, launches "Speak English" clothing line, calls Ann Coulter a "role model"

REPORT ON PRESIDENT'S SOUTH AMERICAN TRIP

President Bush has immersed himself in Latin American culture as he embarks on his tour of the region. Bush brought Martin Short and Steve Martin to give him "street cred."

PARIS HILTON OPENS THEME BAR

A POST FOR JIM KRENN

GULF TOWER BEACONS CHANGED TO ALERT PUBLIC TO BRITNEY SPEARS'S CHEMICAL DEPENDENCIES

Pittsburgh’s landmark Gulf Tower is abandoning a 70-year-old tradition of using its colored beacon atop the skyscraper to announce weather forecasts and instead, says it is seeking a more contemporary message for today’s news-hungry citizen.

“When the Gulf Building began this tradition so many decades ago, weather forecasting was not as advanced and communications weren’t as ubiquitous,” explained building spokesman Jeannette Silvestri. “We wanted to do something more in keeping with the times.”

The tower lantern’s lights will now alert passersby to the status of Britney Spears.
“Traditionally, a blue light indicated rain was imminent. From now on when the light is blue, it will signal that Britney is not in rehab,” Ms. Silvestri said.

A red shade on the light will signal that Ms. Spears is in rehab, and a blinking red will signal that Ms. Spears has bolted from a drug or alcohol rehabilitation center.

A clear white light will signal that Ms. Spears has received a new tattoo, while a blinking white light will represent that she has shaved her head again.

The tower will retain its long standing tradition of using a blinking blue light to alert the public when Ms. Spears goes out without underpants.

“Naturally, the light won’t be blinking white that often because of how long it takes for her hair to grow back in,” Ms. Silvestri said. “In a way, that’s good, because pilots sometimes mistake it for Morse code.”

And when it comes to Morse code, the Gulf Tower’s “competition” in the Downtown lighting contest, the Grant Building, will abandon its tradition of blinking out code for “Pittsburgh.” A spokesman for the building’s management says pilots no longer require that message.

Instead, if things turn out right, the building will be the first to announce in Morse code the name of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

“Naturally, we’re going to have to get that from the wire services, first,” noted building manager Manolo Freeload. “But we were curious to see if it causes jetliners coming in and out of the city to circle for a little while. Just curious.”

TOWNSEND CLEARED OF ASSAULT CHARGES

PITTSBURGH - Steelers cornerback Deshea Townsend has been cleared of assault charges stemming from a weekend incident in which it was reported that he punched another man in the face. An investigation of the incident resulted in a finding that while Townsend attempted to punch the victim, Chris Graham, Townsend missed on several attempts to make any contact. Townsend’s lawyer, Bobby Del Greco, said that he is pleased that the charges were dropped. “Anyone who knows DeShea knows that he’s not the type of guy to hit someone.”

AMERICAN GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY MEETING DISPLACED FROM DAMAGED CONVENTION CENTER, MEETS AT PA. CULINARY INSTITUTE

ALL AGREE EARTH'S CRUST IS TOO DRY AND FLAKY, CALL FOR ADDITION OF BUTTER AND SHORTENING

JOEY PORTER’S DOGS SIGN WITH ABU GHRAIB PRISON

FEROCIOUS, SNARLING PIT BULLS VOW TO KEEP PRESSURE ON AMERICA’S ENEMIES; MCGRUFF, THE CRIME DOG CALLS SIGNING “A BENCHMARK IN THE WAR ON TERROR”

PENGUINS MEET WITH SOMALI WARLORD, DISCUSS MOVING TEAM TO MOGADISHU

HOUSTON ZOO OFFICIALS MEET WITH PENS OWNERS, SAY PHONE MESSAGE WITH MARIO "MISUNDERSTOOD"

ATLANTA MAYOR MEETS WITH MARIO, DECLARES: "YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS A HONKY TEAM."

Amid search for new city for Pens, Lemieux fires his translator

MONTREAL OFFICIALS MEET BRIEFLY WITH PENS OWNERS BEFORE REMEMBERING THEY ALREADY HAVE HOCKEY TEAM

NUDE RADIO BROADCAST FAILS TO BOOST RATINGS, WDVE PROMOTIONS MANAGER RETHINKING POSITION

TONY SNOW TO SPEAK IN OAKLAND, CITY SCHOOLS PANIC, CLOSE FOR DAY

HEALTH DEPARTMENT CITES CHRIS FENNIMORE FOR NOT USING HAIRNET

PITTSBURGH -- Allegheny County Health Department spokesperson Guillermo Cole has issued a citation to WQED Cooks’ Chris Fennimore for not wearing proper protective gear over his hirsute knuckles.

Under Pennsylvania health code 46.152, food handlers, including those who prepare food for consumption on television shows, must take proper prophylactic measures to prevent hair from coming into contact with exposed food.

“Consumers are under the misperception -- and we can thank school lunch ladies for this -- that the use of nets is just for hair the head, but the directive applies to any body part where hair is long enough to be a safety hazard, whether it be the knuckles, the back, or the nose,” according to Cole.

“As a matter of fact, the ‘beard restraint’ is another hairy issue we’re cracking down on, but there are so many styles of facial growth nowadays that we’re having trouble enforcing the code, because people are getting off on technicalities. How can you penalize a man with a soul patch when a post-menopausal mustache may actually pose more of a health concern?”

Fennimore defended his practices, saying that he grooms his hands with a boar bristle brush and removes any loose hairs before the taping of each show, and during commercial breaks.

He questions the timing of the citation, claiming the department is once again trying to thwart bad publicity for its annual flu shot fiasco. “They’re just splitting hairs here,” said Fennimore. “Wouldn’t their limited resources be better spent shutting down Chinese Buffets?”

Nancy Polinsky, Fennimore’s cohost on the PBS show noted for its local recipes and many guest appearances from hometown cooks, had only this to say: “Mmm …. “

Fennimore has ten days to either shave his knuckles or wear what those in the industry refer to as “the knuckle net.”

BISHOP SCHEDULED TO VISIT PITTSBURGH SIGNS WITH DALLAS INSTEAD

Diocese may wait for April draft to fill hole in roster

COMMENTARY: PUBLIC OFFICIALS URGED TO RETURN TO TAKING SELVES TOO SERIOUSLY

COMMENTARY – A casual remark by a public official could lead to a disturbing trend if allowed to continue. Green Tree Police Chief Robert Cifrulak, in discussing a series of rock-throwing incidents along the Parkway West, joked that “They should sign him up for the Pirates” because of the accuracy of the vandal’s throws.

While we admit his remark is funny, that type of comment is our stock in trade. If public officials start making wisecracks or, worse, start making fun of themselves, this news source will dry up. Several columnists at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette will also suffer if they have nobody to mock.

Public officials should not be sitting around trying to think of funny things to say; that is best left to the professionals at Carbolic Smoke Ball. We urge Chief Cifrulak and all other office holders to go back to taking themselves too seriously. We don’t try to do your jobs, so don’t try to do ours.

THE LATE ANN COULTER MAKES MISTAKE OF CALLING JOEY PORTER A "FAGGOT"

FAR-RIGHT POLITICAL COMMENTATOR PICKED WRONG HOMOPHOBE TO TAUNT, WITNESSES SAY PORTER "WIPED THE SMILE OFF HER FACE"

LIBBY LEAK TRIAL ENDS

JURY CONVICTS SCOOTER LIBBY

FORMER CHENEY AIDE GUILTY ON THREE COUNTS OF PERJURY, TWO COUNTS OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE, ONE COUNT POSSESSION OF INAPPROPRIATE NICKNAME FOR AN ADULT

LIBBY JURY REVEALS WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG TO DECIDE PERJURY CASE

“We couldn’t remember what we talked about on day one of deliberations, let alone figure out what was said in 2003,” foreman says

WASHINGTON, DC – After unusually long deliberations, a federal jury today convicted I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby on four of five felony counts. Jury foreman Jeff Pursley spoke to reporters outside the courthouse after the panel’s work was completed.

“After a few days, we got bogged down trying to remember what we said in deliberations, and then it got personal. Juror number four wanted to know what juror number six said about her to juror number eleven, and she refused to discuss anything until it got sorted out. That’s why we requested the Post-It Notes and a dictionary from the judge.” Judge Reggie Walton refused to provide a dictionary, but did allow the sticky notepads. “We started working our way backwards and moved Post-It notes around trying to get everyone to agree on what was said to whom,” the foreman said. “But it was tough, since some people were in the bathroom at different times or they heard slightly different stories about the same event. It was a real mess.”

Unable to reach an agreement on their own conversations, the jury barely considered the charges against Mr. Libby. “How are we supposed to decide what was said to whom way back in 2003? We weren’t there, and the people who were there couldn’t agree on what was said, either,” Pursley said.

With tensions in the jury room running high and all jurors never wanting to see each other again, “We picked a number out of a hat and decided that would be the number of charges we’d convict [Libby] on. It’s not very fair to him, but at least we were able to wrap things up before Easter.”

CHENEY BESTOWS PRESIDENTIAL PARDON ON LIBBY

WASHINGTON Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff for Vice President Dick Cheney, was found guilty today on 4 counts of perjury and obstruction of justice. Cheney immediately issued a presidential pardon to Libby, voiding his conviction and clearing him of all charges. The pardon was rescinded however after the judge reminded Cheney that he was not the president. Cheney's initial reaction was to ask the judge, "What difference does that make?" After a brief conference with counsel, Cheney told the judge, "I take it back."

PENGUINS ADD GOON TO PROTECT MARIO DURING STRETCH RUN OF NEGOTIATING DRIVE

GENERAL MANAGER SAYS MENACING PRESENCE, THREAT OF VIOLENCE COULD EXPEDITE AGREEMENT

DEFENSE SECRETARY CALLS DOCTOR HOWARD, DOCTOR FINE, DOCTOR HOWARD TO INVESTIGATE CONDITIONS AT WALTER REED ARMY MEDICAL CENTER

SAYS THREE PHYSICIANS ARE “THE RIGHT MEN FOR THE JOB”

ARTHUR SCHLESINGER JR. TO BE BURIED NEXT TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH

FAMILY SAYS FORMER KENNEDY AIDE “WANTS TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH THE WOMAN HE WAS DATING AT THE TIME OF HIS DEATH”

ANN COULTER APOLOGIZES FOR USING ANTI-GAY SLUR, SAYS SHE DIDN’T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYBODY EXCEPT JOHN EDWARDS

PIRATES’ SWITCH TO FM MAKES LANNY FRATTARE’S VELVETY MODULATION SOUND LIKE A VIOLIN -- LITERALLY

"It's not human, it sounds like some damned string instrument," cried Clear Channel executive. Listeners confuse Pirates' broadcasts with classical radio, so 104.7 says it will install a sound filter to make Lanny sound like Stephen Hawking.

ANN COULTER CALLS LIBERACE A "FAGGOT"

WASHINGTON - Best-selling right-wing author Ann Coulter shocked an audience at the American Conservative Union's Political Action Conference and left some members in tears last night when she called flamboyant musician Liberace, D-Nev., a "faggot."

"Oh, no!" cried an elderly member of the audience. "You're breaking our hearts. Say it's not true, say it's not true!"

Coulter tried to speak over the wailing in the room. When the noise had died down, she assured the crowd, "It's just a joke, it's just a joke."

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Coulter showed "extremely poor taste" in joking about Liberace's sexual orientation.

XEROX ACQUIRES CANON, WILL STREAMLINE TO AVOID DUPLICATION

BOOK EDITOR APOLOGIZES FOR "READER'S BLOCK"

By Bob Hoover, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette - This is a first for me. I decided to review "Nixon and Mao: The Week That Changed the World" this week. It's much-talked about, and it's rapidly climbing the best seller lists. I assumed I would be able to glean from it one of those de rigueur historical lessons that "the present administration would be wise to mind." That's always good in a review of this nature because it lends significance to a musty event few people care about. Truth be told, if you dig deep enough in any popular history, you're always able to manufacture one of those lessons.

The trouble is, I couldn't finish the damn book. Finish? Hell, I couldn't start it. I've been trying to read it all week, but I can't get beyond the first page. I must emphasize that this had nothing to do with the book, it's me. The words just never sank in. I must have read that first sentence alone more than 500 times but I can't tell you a single word in it. You've heard of "writer's block," well, I'm experiencing "reader's block." This, I would point out, is a serious problem for someone who earns a living reviewing books.

I am amazed I'm being so frank with you, my faithful readers. I confess that the inability to read this book has left me more than a little shaken. The fact is, I'm going through something terrible.

Today, I received an advance copy of Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" to review for next week. As I sit at my desk removing it from its box, a cold perspiration bespangles my brow, and I fear almost beyond description that I'll not be able to read it.

I apologize for any typographical errors or lapses in logic in this review, but I am unable to proofread it.

JUDGE JOY FLOWERS CONTI CLARIFIES MY SITUATION FOR ME: I MUST BE SERVING A SENTENCE OF HOME CONFINEMENT

GUEST COMMENTARY BY PITTSBURGH PLUMBER NOAH SWAYNE - Last month, U.S. District Judge Joy Flowers Conti sentenced former Allegheny County Sheriff Pete DeFazio to serve six months' home confinement following his guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge of macing. While on home detention, Mr. DeFazio is permitted to leave the house for Mass, work and some other purposes.

Judge Flowers Conti has actually clarified my own situation for me. I do exactly what Mr. DeFazio is now permitted to do. I go to work, I go to church, and that's pretty much it. So it occurred to me . . . I must be serving a sentence of home confinement!

Now, you can imagine how surprising this revelation was to me, given that I haven't been convicted of anything. And, I note, Mr. DeFazio is permitted to retain his hefty county pension (which, I am sure he would tell us, he's "earned"), so he really doesn't even have to work. He can just stay home all day and watch sports on television and sleep while he serves out his "sentence."

If I ever commit a crime, I want Judge Joy Flowers Conti to sentence me. After all, I wouldn't want anything in my life to change.