COREY O'CONNOR COMPLETES FIRST ASSIGNMENT AS "CLEAN PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" MEMBER
PITTSBURGH MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS O'CONNOR "DID AWESOME JOB ON HIS BATHROOM," IS SLATED TO DO ERIN'S LAUNDRY NEXT
MAYOR FORMS 35-PERSON COMMITTEE TO RETAIN YOUNG PITTSBURGH RESIDENTS
Ravenstahl hopes all 35 Pittsburghers currently under the age of 34 will be willing to serve on the committee
ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES UP NATURAL BORN DAUGHTER FOR ADOPTION
Actress says she has "too many mouths to feed"; couple from Darfur adopts child.
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL ENTERS EATING DISORDER CLINIC
Comparison of 2006 and 2007 photos shows alarming weight loss
PUNXSUTAWNEY --- Pennsylvania’s Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (DCNR) announced today that Punxsutawney Phil has entered an eating disorder clinic in upstate New York. The nation’s most famous weather-predicting marmot had lost a significant amount of weight within the last year, and DCNR staged an intervention last week. Phil entered rehab the next morning.
PUNXSUTAWNEY --- Pennsylvania’s Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (DCNR) announced today that Punxsutawney Phil has entered an eating disorder clinic in upstate New York. The nation’s most famous weather-predicting marmot had lost a significant amount of weight within the last year, and DCNR staged an intervention last week. Phil entered rehab the next morning.
"Eating disorders have both physical and psychological dimensions,” said DCNR biologist Bob Brenneman. “It’s hard to say exactly what’s bothering him because he doesn’t talk, but it looks like a whole series of events led to his problems.”
Phil appeared to be riding high in February, 2006 (top photo). Apparently a Steelers fan, Phil emerged from his burrow holding a Terrible Towel and rooting for a Steelers victory, which came two days later. “But then, things started to spiral downhill,” Brenneman said. “The Steelers went 8-8 last season, and he seemed a little down. Then he was passed over for the Rozerum sleeping pill commercials, and he got a little more depressed. He lost a little weight and he was sleeping a lot, but that’s kind of normal for groundhogs anyway.”
By February 2, 2007, biologists felt something was wrong (bottom photo), but Phil went ahead with his weather prediction anyway. According to the Brenneman: “That’s when the bottom really fell out. Maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly by then, but he predicted an early spring. Within a few days we had a horrible snowstorm and the cold weather stayed through mid-April. The criticism has been unrelenting. He stopped eating altogether, and we felt we had to step in.”
Although many of the nation’s best eating disorder clinics are located in California, the DCNR felt that climate would be too warm for the furry creature and sent him to a facility in Buffalo, New York, instead. “We hope he doesn’t get even more depressed because he’s in Buffalo,” Brenneman joked. “We just want our fat and happy groundhog back.”
SHARPTON, JACKSON FIND HO'S EVERYWHERE
NEW YORK - Controversy erupts again as Rev. Al Sharpton is claiming that Santa's signature jolly laugh, "Ho, Ho, Ho," is in reality a taunt directed at the Rutgers Women's Basketball team. Sharpton is calling for Santa to apologize and step down from his post as mythical, gift bearing icon, beloved to children of all ages. "Look, Santa's been white for ages; it's time we get a Santa who is more sensitive to the needs of the minority community," said Sharpton. Sharpton is calling for weatherman Al Roker to take over Mr. Claus' duties. "Hell, he can gain that weight back by Christmas."
Rev Jesse Jackson is also continuing to pursue what he is now calling "the ho-locaust" of racism in today's media by calling for a boycott of Howard Johnson's restaurants, because of its nickname, "Ho-Jo's." Jackson claims the name is a racial slur directed at the Johns Hopkins University women's basketball team. Jackson reportedly will also call for a boycott of all British products because of the British usage of "Tally ho."
Rev Jesse Jackson is also continuing to pursue what he is now calling "the ho-locaust" of racism in today's media by calling for a boycott of Howard Johnson's restaurants, because of its nickname, "Ho-Jo's." Jackson claims the name is a racial slur directed at the Johns Hopkins University women's basketball team. Jackson reportedly will also call for a boycott of all British products because of the British usage of "Tally ho."
NOW ON SALE: THE DEFINITIVE BOOK ON PARENTING BY ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER
"I’m Virgie Mae Arthur, Anna Nicole’s mommy. Ever since her naked butt was plastered in Playboy, parents have been askin’ me how’d I raise such a fahnnn daughter. So I finally sat down one night and dictated a book for y'all that shows how to turn trailer trash into hard, cold cash! It’s all here: how you, too, can marry a dying billionaire, how to get the right breast implants. With a forward by Britney Spears, it’s my love letter to you parents. It's called, “It Takes a Village to Raise a Bimbo.” Wherever fahnnn books are sold." (Listen to Ms. Arthur's commercial in this newscast.)
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOUND FACE-DOWN IN POOL OF BLOOD
Beloved prognosticator was victim of execution-style murder in retaliation for faulty forecast of an early spring
IMUS PLEADED WITH CBS PRESIDENT MOONVES TO KEEP HIS SHOW
"LES, CAN YOU GET ME OFF THE HOOK? FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE?"
"CAN'T DO IT, DON"
"CAN'T DO IT, DON"
IMUS APOLOGY TO RUTGERS TEAM WENT WELL -- UP TO A POINT
Don Imus' apology to Rutgers Women's basketball team was going well until he tried to fix up three of the women with the accused players in the Duke Lacrosse rape case.
WARREN BUFFETT: 'BILL GATES CONNED ME OUT OF BILLIONS'
ORACLE OF OMAHA GAVE GATES FOUNDATION BILLIONS, NOW HE'S BUMMING MONEY FOR DINNER*
OMAHA, Nebraska - Investor Warren Buffett, the "Oracle of Omaha," stunned the nation last year by announcing he is giving away the world's second largest fortune, valued at $42 billion, to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Today it was revealed that Buffett apparently gave away too much because he is broke and may have no choice but to file for personal bankruptcy.
Private banking documents obtained by this news source show that the Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway has maxed out on his credit cards and is unable to make even the minimum monthly payments. Gorat's Steak House in Omaha, a favorite Buffett hangout, told him his credit is no longer good there and that he'll be served only if he pays with cash in advance. Last night Buffett was seen on the sidewalk outside the restaurant imploring complete strangers to "lend me a hand so I can buy dinner." Several diners recognized the investing sage and pitched in to buy him a steak. Other witnesses claim that in recent days Buffett has made repeated trips to E-Z Money Pawn Shop, toting all manner of personalty.
OMAHA, Nebraska - Investor Warren Buffett, the "Oracle of Omaha," stunned the nation last year by announcing he is giving away the world's second largest fortune, valued at $42 billion, to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Today it was revealed that Buffett apparently gave away too much because he is broke and may have no choice but to file for personal bankruptcy. Private banking documents obtained by this news source show that the Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway has maxed out on his credit cards and is unable to make even the minimum monthly payments. Gorat's Steak House in Omaha, a favorite Buffett hangout, told him his credit is no longer good there and that he'll be served only if he pays with cash in advance. Last night Buffett was seen on the sidewalk outside the restaurant imploring complete strangers to "lend me a hand so I can buy dinner." Several diners recognized the investing sage and pitched in to buy him a steak. Other witnesses claim that in recent days Buffett has made repeated trips to E-Z Money Pawn Shop, toting all manner of personalty.
The 76-year old Buffett angrily claims that Bill Gates conned him out of his fortune by "confusing and sweet-talking" him with promises that monuments would be erected in his honor. Buffett told this news source that "Gates could sell snow to an Eskimo. I'm an addled-brained old man. Imagine, having me fork over $42 billion for the downtrodden! I mean, how much money do these downtrodden need?"
Gates flatly dismisses what he refers to as Buffett's "bellyaching" and claims that Buffett's gift not only was "perfectly legal" but is very much needed by the Gates Foundation. "We have used every penny of Mr. Buffet's gift. The fact of the matter is that some of the downtrodden the Foundation serves have very expensive tastes," said Gates. "I plan to make good on my promise to put Warren's name on monuments, or whatever the hell I promised him," Gates explained. "But he ain't getting the money back."
*For the people in Nebraska who, according to our site meter, are looking at this posting with such care this morning, we will share with you what the rest of our readers already know: it is a spoof.
WASHOUT OF DOUBLEHEADER ANGERS HOT BARRY BONDS
Postponement of Pirates - Giants game angers Barry Bonds. Weatherman Steve Cropper rescued by stadium security.
UPMC ASKS PERMISSION TO DISPLAY LOGO ON TOP OF U.S. STEEL BUILDING
Also asks for variance for lasers on top of building to shoot at Highmark Blue Cross Building and Allegheny General Hospital
DON IMUS IS FIRED
MEDIA DECLARES FOREMOST 'BLACK' PROBLEM IN AMERICA RESOLVED, REVERTS TO IGNORING RACE ISSUES UNTIL NEXT WHITE CELEBRITY GAFFE
BARTENDER CELEBRATES 75 YEARS ON TAP WITH 'SHOTS ON WHEELS' TO SERVE SHUT-INS
WEST VIEW - Angelo Cammarata, 93 has been serving alcohol to generations of Pittsburghers at his bar in West View. Now he's planning to take his services to the community in a program he founded called Shots On Wheels. "Many elderly people can no longer make it down to the local tavern" explained Cammarata, "so we bring the tavern to them." He says that the shut-ins really appreciate it. "They can toss back a couple of shots, we'll bring 'em some smokes, sometimes we even get a dice game going."
Inspiration for the program came from an article Cammarata read about a drug dealer in Youngstown who started a "Crack On Wheels" program for elderly addicts. "We eliminated the beatings and armed robbery and turned it into something positive," said Cammarata. "You should see people's faces light up when we ring the bell."
Cammarata says he intends to continue bartending for the foreseeable future or "until the Surgeon General declares me a public health hazard."
Inspiration for the program came from an article Cammarata read about a drug dealer in Youngstown who started a "Crack On Wheels" program for elderly addicts. "We eliminated the beatings and armed robbery and turned it into something positive," said Cammarata. "You should see people's faces light up when we ring the bell."
Cammarata says he intends to continue bartending for the foreseeable future or "until the Surgeon General declares me a public health hazard."
TITANIC DISCOVERER: SCAVENGERS HAVE TURNED SUNKEN VESSEL INTO A WRECK
NARRAGANSETT, R.I. - Sunday marks the 95th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, and Titanic discover Robert Ballard is lobbying for an international treaty to prevent so-called "extreme tourist" groups from doing further harm to the rapidly decaying vessel."These scavenger vultures, with their submersible watercraft, are turning the Titanic into a wreck," Dr. Ballard told a news conference. Dr. Ballard claimed that tourists cart away artifacts "as if they were collecting seashells at the beach."
The press conference took an unexpected turn, however, when Ballard was asked how he could differentiate between damage caused to the ship by scavengers from damage caused by the iceberg that sank it. Ballard became visibly upset and insisted there never was an iceberg. "'Iceberg!' What 'iceberg'?" he shouted in a shrill, high-pitched voice. "The 'Titanic' was wrecked by the venal capitalist scavengers!"
No nation has yet signed Ballard's treaty.
RUTGERS WOMEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM UNDER FIRE FOR CALLING DON IMUS “FUZZY-HEADED TURKEY-NECKED BASTARD”
WILL MAKE IN-PERSON APOLOGY AT WFAN STUDIO FOLLOWING RADIO HOST'S RETURN TO AIRWAVES
TOM MURPHY AND CHAING KAI SHEK SEEN PARTYING AT THE CARLTON
CHINESE, PITTSBURGHERS FEAR DEPOSED LEADERS PLOTTING COMEBACKS
FREED BRITS SIGN LUCRATIVE, MULI-YEAR DEAL TO APPEAR ON IRANIAN TV
TEHRAN – The freed British sailors and marines, who were held by Iran for nearly two weeks, have become the biggest thing ever on Iranian television, replacing reruns of Who’s the Boss as the number one show here. They have become so popular, in fact, that they just signed a multi-million dollar deal to keep appearing.Every day during their captivity, the Brits appear in television broadcasts produced by the Iran’s Revolutionary Guards. Iranians by the thousands called off work or skipped school just to watch the broadcasts of the Brits smoking, drinking, and standing in front of maps.
“I just love them,” said Velveeta Khomeini-Hussein who spoke through an interpreter. “They’re so dry and witty – much better than the last [British TV show] we had – what was it called? Benny Hill?” Ms. Khomeini-Hussein then dashed into her hut and turned on her TV for another rerun of the British smoking and apologizing.
A spokesperson for British Prime Minister Tony Blair has confirmed that the last sticking point in the negotiations between Iran and the United Kingdom over ending the hostage crisis was how to divvy up the lucrative television rights for the hostages. Production of new episodes of the show, tentatively titled The Infidel Captives, is scheduled to begin next week.
The popularity of the Brits doesn’t please everyone in Iran. A man, who refused to be identified, said that the popularity of the Brits is ruining his chances of starting an independent television network in Iran. “Again with the adorable hostages -- I can compete with that?” the man asked, then spat on the ground. “If lawsuits were allowed in Iran, I’d sue those [Revolutionary Guards] – putting me out of business before I even get started!”
RAVENSTAHL RETURNS FROM 'MAYORS' CONFERENCE' IN SOUTH PADRE ISLAND
DICK SKRINJAR: "WELL, AT LEAST HE TOLD US IT WAS A MAYORS' CONFERENCE. THE FACT THAT THE MAYOR CAN GO ON A TRIP LIKE THIS DEMONSTRATES HIS MATURITY AND GRAVITAS."
FACING NUMEROUS COUNTS OF THEFT, CONSPIRACY, PITTSBURGH CITY COUNCILOR TWANDA CARLISLE HIRES HER COUSIN VINNY AS LEGAL COUNSEL
POLITICOS MONITORING THE CASE EXPECT HER ATTORNEY'S CLOSING REMARKS TO BE PLAGIARIZED, FRAUGHT WITH ERRORS -- BUT VERY BRIEF
MISTER BLACKWELL SET TO RELEASE NAMES OF TEN WORST-DRESSED TERRORISTS, KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED EXPECTED TO TOP LIST
Last year's worst dressed according to Mr. Blackwell: Abu Ghraib Prisoner
WILLIAMS' HEAD HAD HELP
BOSTON - Details are being to emerge concerning the escape of Ted Williams' head from Cranial Pops, Inc, the cryogenic storage facility where Williams' frozen head was being maintained. Williams' head conspired with other heads at the facility to construct an elaborate escape tunnel. When the tunnel was discovered, Williams' head was able to take advantage of the confusion, somehow avoid detection by the guard towers, and cut through the barbed wire surrounding the facility. Dr. Manfred Freeze, president of Cranial-Pops, speculated that Williams' head used wire cutters it had concealed under its Red Sox hat. Williams' head then made it safely to a wooded area just outside the compound where a waiting accomplice helped the head escape.
"We had been hoping to attract hall of fame heads from both the American and National leagues," said Dr. Freeze. "We had just enlarged the storage area in case Barry Bonds' head became available. And now this happens . . . . We're just sick about it."
"We had been hoping to attract hall of fame heads from both the American and National leagues," said Dr. Freeze. "We had just enlarged the storage area in case Barry Bonds' head became available. And now this happens . . . . We're just sick about it."
NHL TO 'JACK UP' THE MAYHEM FOR THE PLAYOFFS
League, concerned that fans are increasingly blasé about fights, retains George "The Animal" Steele as consultant to inject more blood, contusions into fisticuffs
RAVENSTAHL ANNOUNCES HILL DISTRICT TO BE DEMOLISHED
"WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE ARENA DEMOLITION CREW WORKING NEARBY," SAID THE MAYOR. "IF THE [CREW] KEEPS GOING, THAT'LL SAVE US FROM GIVING THE HILL ALL THAT MONEY IT WANTS."
WILLIAMS' HEAD ESCAPES
BOSTON - Fabled Boston Red Sox slugger Ted Williams' cryogenically preserved head has escaped from the facility where the late player's family was storing it. Reportedly, Williams' head had become belligerent and verbally abusive in recent weeks as it became increasingly unhappy the prospect of missing yet another baseball season. Williams' head talked an employee of Cranial-Pops, Inc., the storage facility, into taking it into the lobby to watch a couple of innings of the Red Sox season opener on TV. At that point, Williams' head overpowered the employee and escaped.
Williams' head appears to have cleared both US and Canadian customs and has made it's way to the cryogenically-friendly polar region where it is gaining weight on a diet of seal blubber and kelp.
The Williams family reportedly has hired the head of legendary TV detective Raymond Burr to track down and convince Williams' head to return.
Williams' head appears to have cleared both US and Canadian customs and has made it's way to the cryogenically-friendly polar region where it is gaining weight on a diet of seal blubber and kelp.
The Williams family reportedly has hired the head of legendary TV detective Raymond Burr to track down and convince Williams' head to return.
NOBEL FOUNDATION FETES LARRY BIRKHEAD WITH SPECIAL NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING NAMED FATHER OF ANNA NICOLE'S BABY
STOCKHOLM - In the wake of the news that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, the Nobel Foundation issued an announcement that it will hold "an emergency banquet" tonight at Stockholm City Hall to honor Birkhead with the newly created "Nobel Prize in Paternity."The Foundation's Director, Manfred Frederickman, issued the following statement: "The Nobel Foundation tonight will honor John C. Mather, for his accomplishments in physics; Roger Komberg, for his accomplishments in chemistry; Andrew Fire, for his accomplishments in medicine; and Larry Birkhead, for his accomplishment in inserting his penis into Anna Nicole Smith."
102-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO MADE HOLE-IN-ONE CHALLENGES TIGER WOODS TO SKINS GAME
Elsie McLean "trash talks" golfing great to embarrass him into playing: "Hey, Tiger, your momma's so dumb she makes Paris Hilton look like Stephen Hawking. . . . Sorry I made you look bad with my hole-in-one, chump."
NYC COUPLE HAILS ROLLING CHAIR FOR 2,400-MILE RIDE
ATLANTIC CITY - Betty and Bob Matas have retired and are moving to Arizona, but like many New Yorkers they don't drive, and they don't want their cats to travel all that way in an airliner cargo hold. They found their solution in Atlantic City. The Matases have asked Carlo Sambonia, who pushes one of that town's world-famous wicker rolling chairs, to push them to Sedona. Sambonia, pushing since 1978, was only too happy to take the job. Sambonia has become a multi-millionaire by never refusing a fare, regardless of where the pick-up wants to go.
"The other [rolling chair] guys refuse to take folks off the Boardwalk for fear they won't be able to get a return fare," said Sambonia.
But Sambonia once pushed a couple from Caesar's Boardwalk Casino across the Pennsylvania Turnpike to Pittsburgh, some 350 miles. "But that's not even the amazing part," he said. "When I got to Pittsburgh, I found a couple standing on the corner looking to be pushed to Atlantic City -- so I got my return fare!"
The trip to Arizona will be his most ambitious yet. And when he finally gets there, chances are Sambonia will find a fare that wants to go to Atlantic City. And one thing's for sure: he won't say "no."
SUSPECT IDENTIFIED ONLY AS 'A PIRATES BROADCASTER' ARRESTED FOR 'RAISING THE JOLLY ROGER' AT BUCS' OPENER
Unnamed bystander exclaims: "There was no-o-o-o doubt about it," as suspect was taken into custody
ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE MAY FILE CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
OFFICIALS SAY PREDICTION OF EARLY SPRING BY CLAIRVOYANT RODENT “WILLFULLY AND MALICIOUSLY MISLED THE PUBLIC” 
LOCAL WOMAN FIRST REPORTED CASE OF DEATH BY "NEW CAR SMELL"
GRINDSTONE - The Fayette County Health Department has reported that Bertha Marie Tuckwacker, 97, has died after a extremely brief skirmish with "new car smell" poisoning.
"New car smell" toxicity was discovered in 1993 when two 16-year-old boys in Los Angeles were found passed out in a brand new sports car given to one of the teens as a birthday gift.
Fortunately, both were resuscitated, but when no traces of drugs were found inside the vehicle or on their persons, DEA agents were called in to investigate. "The fact that their blood alcohol levels exceeded .30 was inconsequential in this case," an agent disclosed.
Samples from the vehicles' interior were turned over to a crime lab, which discovered that contaminants in the dust from the interior windshield matched elevated levels of those doctors said were found in the boys' bloodstream, which entered through the act of inhalation.
It was reported that Mrs. Tuckwacker, a two-pack-a-day smoker who suffered from gout, chronic respiratory disease, heart disease, liver disease, diabetes, psoriasis, perpetual dry eye and a host of other ailments -- and had only one kidney -- was actually a passenger in the automobile.
Her grandson, Harvey Berryberry of Normalville, who escorted her in his 2007 model pick-up truck for some "Saturday grocery shopping" told authorities he had just purchased the vehicle three days prior.
Berryberry could be charged in the case, but no one is certain of what yet.
Trooper Emelio McBluff of the Uniontown State Police said the incident was tragic, and suspects foul play. "You think that it's just kids out there trying to get a cheap high these days, but it's hard for someone of any age to resist the allure of 'new car smell.' You get that first whiff and then you can't get enough. And sometimes, all it takes is that first whiff to kill you. First thing we do when we get a new patrol car is to open all the windows for a few hours. We don't want any of our boys getting hooked, either."
McBluff said that "auto-tripping" is becoming an increasing problem, as car dealerships across the country have reported a sharp rise in "test drives" without people actually buying the vehicle. "A big tip-off salespersons should be aware of is when they offer to crack a window and the 'potential buyer' insists not to because he or she is very cold," said McBluff.
"This drug, if you will, has no barriers. We've found plenty of rich white people passed out in their new BMWs," he added.
Automobile manufacturers have been aware of the dangers of "new car smell" for years, but this is the first documented case where a coroner has listed "new car smell" as cause on a death certificate.
"With climate control in automobiles these days, you really never have a reason to open your window," according to Heinrich Eyebrau, a top engineer on the safety committee of a major automobile corporation, "so we've begun affixing warning labels on every single vehicle that comes out of our factories. If you're going to get sick or die from auto emissions, we most certainly want it to be from the emissions your car is spewing on the outside, not the inside."
A spokesperson for a United States chapter of environmental group associated with the color "green" said that they, too, are well aware of the dangers of "new car smell."
"We've tabled many of our global warming issues to address this growing problem," he said. "The second we heard that people transporting potted plants from Home Depot were arriving home with dead plants, we were all over this thing. We just can't worry about China right now. Not when we've got spider plants keeling all over the place."
"This all could have been stopped if her grandson had just opened a damned window," said McBluff. "Instead, he watched her and did nothing, which gives us reason to believe he was getting high too -- probably turned her onto the stuff -- a family thing, you know? We see a lot of that in this area."
Mrs. Tuckwacker is preceded in death by her husband, Earl, who died in 1978 in a bizarre gardening accident, and is survived by 12 children, 58 grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great-grandchildren.
"New car smell" toxicity was discovered in 1993 when two 16-year-old boys in Los Angeles were found passed out in a brand new sports car given to one of the teens as a birthday gift.
Fortunately, both were resuscitated, but when no traces of drugs were found inside the vehicle or on their persons, DEA agents were called in to investigate. "The fact that their blood alcohol levels exceeded .30 was inconsequential in this case," an agent disclosed.
Samples from the vehicles' interior were turned over to a crime lab, which discovered that contaminants in the dust from the interior windshield matched elevated levels of those doctors said were found in the boys' bloodstream, which entered through the act of inhalation.
It was reported that Mrs. Tuckwacker, a two-pack-a-day smoker who suffered from gout, chronic respiratory disease, heart disease, liver disease, diabetes, psoriasis, perpetual dry eye and a host of other ailments -- and had only one kidney -- was actually a passenger in the automobile.
Her grandson, Harvey Berryberry of Normalville, who escorted her in his 2007 model pick-up truck for some "Saturday grocery shopping" told authorities he had just purchased the vehicle three days prior.
Berryberry could be charged in the case, but no one is certain of what yet.
Trooper Emelio McBluff of the Uniontown State Police said the incident was tragic, and suspects foul play. "You think that it's just kids out there trying to get a cheap high these days, but it's hard for someone of any age to resist the allure of 'new car smell.' You get that first whiff and then you can't get enough. And sometimes, all it takes is that first whiff to kill you. First thing we do when we get a new patrol car is to open all the windows for a few hours. We don't want any of our boys getting hooked, either."
McBluff said that "auto-tripping" is becoming an increasing problem, as car dealerships across the country have reported a sharp rise in "test drives" without people actually buying the vehicle. "A big tip-off salespersons should be aware of is when they offer to crack a window and the 'potential buyer' insists not to because he or she is very cold," said McBluff.
"This drug, if you will, has no barriers. We've found plenty of rich white people passed out in their new BMWs," he added.
Automobile manufacturers have been aware of the dangers of "new car smell" for years, but this is the first documented case where a coroner has listed "new car smell" as cause on a death certificate.
"With climate control in automobiles these days, you really never have a reason to open your window," according to Heinrich Eyebrau, a top engineer on the safety committee of a major automobile corporation, "so we've begun affixing warning labels on every single vehicle that comes out of our factories. If you're going to get sick or die from auto emissions, we most certainly want it to be from the emissions your car is spewing on the outside, not the inside."
A spokesperson for a United States chapter of environmental group associated with the color "green" said that they, too, are well aware of the dangers of "new car smell."
"We've tabled many of our global warming issues to address this growing problem," he said. "The second we heard that people transporting potted plants from Home Depot were arriving home with dead plants, we were all over this thing. We just can't worry about China right now. Not when we've got spider plants keeling all over the place."
"This all could have been stopped if her grandson had just opened a damned window," said McBluff. "Instead, he watched her and did nothing, which gives us reason to believe he was getting high too -- probably turned her onto the stuff -- a family thing, you know? We see a lot of that in this area."
Mrs. Tuckwacker is preceded in death by her husband, Earl, who died in 1978 in a bizarre gardening accident, and is survived by 12 children, 58 grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great-grandchildren.
IMBECILITY DEFENSE IN MOONDA TRIAL
PITTSBURGH - Murder suspect Donna Moonda will not claim insanity as her defense. Instead, her attorney will employ the novel buy rarely successful "Imbecility Defense," with Moonda claiming that she suffers from, what her attorney calls, "a severe form of dumbsh*tism" that caused her to trust her former boyfriend Damian Bradford.
Court appointed psychologists confirmed that both Moonda and Bradford, "are indeed dumbsh*ts. In fact, both individuals are not run-of-the-mill dumbsh*ts, but a form of super-dumbsh*t rarely encountered in scientific research."
Shortly following his arrest, Damian Bradford, confessed to shooting Dr. Gulam Moonda in exchange for a box of Twinkies and a case of Mountain Dew. He implicated Mrs. Moonda after police offered Bradford Ho-Ho's and Mr.Pibb during interrogation. Bradford has struck a plea bargain to testify against Mrs. Moonda in exchange for easy access to sugar and caffeine during his lengthy confinement. Carbolic Smoke Ball court analyst attorney and Dumbsh*tism sufferer Rick Santorum, said that he doubts the condition will be a successful defense. "Based on my personal experience," said Santorum, "you need to add crazy into the mix to make it work."
Court appointed psychologists confirmed that both Moonda and Bradford, "are indeed dumbsh*ts. In fact, both individuals are not run-of-the-mill dumbsh*ts, but a form of super-dumbsh*t rarely encountered in scientific research."
Shortly following his arrest, Damian Bradford, confessed to shooting Dr. Gulam Moonda in exchange for a box of Twinkies and a case of Mountain Dew. He implicated Mrs. Moonda after police offered Bradford Ho-Ho's and Mr.Pibb during interrogation. Bradford has struck a plea bargain to testify against Mrs. Moonda in exchange for easy access to sugar and caffeine during his lengthy confinement. Carbolic Smoke Ball court analyst attorney and Dumbsh*tism sufferer Rick Santorum, said that he doubts the condition will be a successful defense. "Based on my personal experience," said Santorum, "you need to add crazy into the mix to make it work."
This is for real . . .
If you are an actor or comic and would like to be part of our Carbolic Smoke Ball: Pittsburgh Unhinged live revue to launch this fall, drop us a line at thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com We are looking to add a few players to our core group of thespians (with a "th") and thought we should post a note to make sure we're not missing anyone who might be interested from our vast audience. Thank you.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
PITTSBURGH TRIVIA: 1956
FORMER MAYOR DAVID L. LAWRENCE CONVINCED CECIL B. DEMILLE TO OMIT "THE PLAGUE OF THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES" FROM HIS EPIC "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"
ANN COULTER CLAIMS UPS HAS A LIBERAL BIAS
Trucks turn right 90% of the time, but “that’s not good enough,” rabid commentator says
NEW YORK --- Conservative author and speaker Ann Coulter charged today that United Parcel Service is bringing a secret liberal agenda to the mundane world of package delivery.
For years, UPS has tried to maximize efficiency with computer-assisted sorting and tracking. Now the company has designed detailed routes for drivers that have them avoid delays and potential accidents by making right turns whenever possible. Their mapping system is so good that ninety percent of all turns go right.
To Coulter, that is not enough. “They still go left ten percent of the time,” she said in a spit-flying rant. “That’s hundreds of thousands of left-leaning biases every year. And I bet a lot of the packages they deliver go to the homes of liberals.”
“I have no idea what’s she talking about," said local UPS driver Steve Dolin. “Nobody really talks politics with me when I bring a package. People usually aren’t at home, so I just leave my packages at the door. When I go to an office, most people just want to talk about their crazy bosses when I ask how they’re doing. And, geez, our corporate color is brown. That’s like, neutral.”
“Brown can stand for only one thing,” Coulter shot back, “and that’s Jerry Brown -- the most liberal former governor of the most liberal state in the United States. Obviously UPS has some sort of hidden agenda to promote his political views. It all fits together once you start thinking about it.”
Coulter then announced that she will no longer send or accept packages through UPS. To driver Dolin, that’s a relief. “We’ve had six guys on her route quit because of the stress. She started screaming at them if they so much as carried a box in their left hand. Who needs that when there are so many nice people on other routes? I almost feel bad for the FedEx guys who’ll have to pick up the slack, but not that bad.”
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