"PRODUCERS" ENDS HISTORIC BROADWAY RUN

MEL BROOKS FACES CRIMINAL CHARGES AS NUMEROUS INVESTORS STEP FORWARD, EACH CLAIMING THEY OWN 100% OF SHOW

City scraps expensive health plan, new managed care to consist solely of first aid kit in city cafeteria

PITTSBURGH - In a move expected to save the city tens of millions of dollars a year, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that Pittsburgh will no longer offer its employees the generous health benefits it has provided for decades. Instead, the city is going to "a different kind of managed health care plan; namely, the first aid kit in the city cafeteria."

Ravenstahl said that the high cost of health care was "killing" the city because employees were running to the doctor "even for preventive medicine."

The new plan will adequately service the vast majority of maladies, he explained. "We have bandages, headache medications and pills for stomach aches." The mayor said the new health plan will render treatment more accessible than ever. "No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure."

BIN LADEN UPSET WITH PACE OF CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS; NOT EXPECTED TO ATTEND TERRORIST MINI-CAMP IN PAKISTAN; AL-QAEDA MANAGEMENT FEARS LONG HOLDOUT

COMMENTARY: LESLIE BONCI IS OUR KIND OF NUTRITIONIST

“Darn it, it tastes good, so bring it on,” is the message we all want to hear

PITTSBURGH -- Deep down, we all know a lot of foods aren’t good for us. But we don’t take kindly to “food police” who constantly harangue us about all the poor choices we make and tell us how much fat, sodium and sugar we’re eating every day.

Enter Leslie Bonci, director of sports nutrition at UPMC. When Hostess Snacks announced that Pittsburgh leads the nation in Ho Ho consumption, she didn’t start ranting about the local eating habits. Although she pointed out the Ho Hos’ hydrogenated fats and calories in a Post-Gazette interview, she also played up her Pittsburgh heritage and said, “[T]his is just fun food. Darn it, it tastes good.”

That kind of attitude coming from a nutritionist is refreshing. Other experts may berate her for her stand, but we salute Ms. Bonci, and we’ll be sure to follow her “bring it on” admonition.

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL GOES ON THE ROAD TO PROMOTE PROPEL COMMISSION TO KEEP YOUNG PEOPLE IN PITTSBURGH

PROPEL!

FBI Profiler Reveals Virginia Tech Shooter 'Just a Mean Little Prick, Nothing More'

BLACKSBURG, Va. - A forensic psychiatrist with the FBI's national Crime Laboratory has issued a preliminary report into Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui, based on a review of tapes the mass killer sent to NBC news.

"This is just a mean little prick," said Dr. Harold Gunderson. "He rants and raves about terrible things that were done to him. But you know what? It just looks like he was a self-absorbed, pity obsessed little dipshit. Thank God nobody has to deal with him." Dr. Gunderson's analysis was seconded by a paper issued by a team of researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical School who said Cho was likely suffering "not enough at all" in the tapes and suggested that "sometimes there are evil little bastards who do horrible things. What's the big mystery here? Hasn't anybody ever heard of Stalin?"

The findings prompted the cancellation of a planned radio broadcast of Cho's play "Richard McBeef." A spokesman for the High Horse Arts Theatre of the Air said the organization has rethought its earlier conclusion that the play is the work of a tormented genius. "Turns out it does suck," said High Horse artistic director Clyde St. Pierre. "My initial instincts were correct. I feel better, but I know I shouldn't."

AL SHARPTON DENOUNCES PITTSBURGH'S LOVE OF HO-HO'S

Chicago also under fire: gay groups say the Windy City is the #1 consumer of "offensively-named" Twinkies

SIMON COWELL DENIES ROLLING EYES BECAUSE OF MENTION OF VIRGINIA TECH VICTIMS

ACERBIC AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE CLAIMS HE WAS ROLLING EYES OVER THOUGHT OF 9/11 AND HOLOCAUST VICTIMS

SMITHFIELD STREET SHOOTING PROMPTS COPYCAT HYSTERIA AT POINT PARK UNIVERSITY

COLLEGE GETS TO HAVE A "LOCKDOWN," ALL THE RAGE SINCE VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTINGS; OTHER SCHOOLS FOLLOW SUIT

CAR DEALER BILL BAIERL DIES

UNDERTAKER: "NOW TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO PUT YOU IN THIS HEARSE TODAY, MR. BAIERL."

BIG NEWS AT THE RAVENSTAHLS!

DAD TO TEACH MAYOR LUKE HOW TO SHAVE THIS WEEKEND

BUSH SHOOTS BACK ON GUN CONTROL

WASHINGTON - In a mid-day news conference, President Bush repeated his stance that in the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy, "now is not the time to talk about gun control. Emotions are running high and this is something that requires reasonable debate." (He is pictured above, advising Congress to "back away slowly" from the gun control issue.)

Utilizing this same logic, the president also announced that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales would be unavailable to speak to congressional investigators regarding the probe into the firing of eight federal attorneys. "Again, we are facing that high emotions problem right now; specifically, emotions are running high. And I feel it's best to postpone any hearings until we can talk about it in a civil fashion."

Turning to Iraq, Bush explained: "As you know, the speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, is highly emotional. She's a lovely lady, nice wife and mother, but given the Virginia Tech situation, she's just too emotional for us to talk to about the problems in Iraq at this time."

The White House hinted that the nation should have an 'Emotions Czar" to investigate ways to address the problem and estimated that abnormally high emotions would not allow substantive discussions on any issue until January 2009.

VA. TECH POLICE CHIEF CAN'T FATHOM THE HATRED THAT WOULD CAUSE SOMEONE TO WRITE, "YOU FORCE ME INTO A CORNER AND HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS"

Chief Noah Swayne wasn't referring to Cho Seung-Hui; he was quoting from a Cheney stump speech.

CHO SEUNG-HUI SENT VIDEO WITH FANTASTIC RANTINGS TO THIS NEWS SOURCE

EDITOR: WE'VE BEEN POSTING THE RANTINGS THE PAST FEW MONTHS, THINKING THEY WERE NEWS TIPS. WE APOLOGIZE TO OUR READERS AND PROMISE THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

JOHN MARK KARR: "I HELPED CHO LOAD HIS WEAPONS"

ZOO WARNS VISITORS NOT TO BOND WITH CHIMP BY MAKING EYE CONTACT, AND NOT TO LEND HIM ANY MONEY

ANTWERP, Belgium - The Antwerp Zoo is urging visitors not to bond with a certain chimpanzee named Cheetah by making eye contact with him.

"But more important," said zoo spokeswoman Ilse Segers, "under no circumstances should visitors loan Cheetah money." The zoo claims that Cheetah has bilked unsuspecting visitors out of thousands of dollars that he never intends to repay by passing worthless promissory notes.

"It is for very good reason Cheetah is behind bars," Ms. Segers cautioned.

AUTHORITIES CONCERNED ABOUT CRYPTIC WORDS INKED ON CHENEY'S ARM

MAYOR: ABSENCE OF MEANINGFUL ELECTION WON'T CHANGE ACCESSIBILITY TO VOTERS, PRESS

He’s inviting all of them to stand behind the barricades along his coronation route next January.

BIN LADEN JOINS CHORUS OF OVERRIDING WORLD OPINION: AMERICA'S GUN CULTURE MUST END

DOWNTOWN TO GET EMERGENCY EVACUATION PLAN BY 2009

City Council passes resolution by 7-2 vote banning surprise terrorist attacks until report is released

AND NOW, LIVE, WITH MOTHER FRANGELICA!

[APPLAUSE]

Mother Frangelica: A reading from the letter of Paul Steigerwald to the Corinthians.

In the beginning Caesar Rendell issued a proclamation that there would be no new taxes for an arena but he would miraculously pull the money out of his enormous ass [aside] of course, in the Bible, “ass” means “donkey.”

And, lo, the earthly work of Mario Lemieux, the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, was finished, and he was lifted up into a cloud. And behold, two men in white garments told the fans: “This Mario has been taken into heaven.”

And the fans asked them if they were angels. And they said, “No, we’re escaped inmates from the hospital for the criminally insane.”

Listen to Mother's talk as part of this newscast.

DOG EATS WHITE HOUSE EMAILS

WASHINGTON - A congressional panel investigating the firing of eight federal prosecutors authorized subpoenas for additional emails. However, the White House claims that many of the emails may have been "eaten by the dog."

Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino explained: "They have a dog over at the Republican National Committee Headquarters and it has apparently eaten hundreds, if not thousands of emails. It appears that the dog was very fond of emails from Carl Rove and Harriet Meyers." When reporters expressed skepticism at the story surrounding the missing emails, Perino insisted, "It's a really big dog." (The White House provided the above picture of the dog in question.

REPORT: "MOST WHO CLAIM TO BE VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE NO ONE ELSE WOULD WANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE"

WASHINGTON - A new FBI report concluded that legitimate cases of "identity theft" are extremely rare and that most people who claim to be victims are "wacko fringe members of society are so seriously deranged that no self-respecting criminal would want to steal their identity in the first place."

FBI Director Robert Mueller said: "Our study shows that the people who make these claims are usually the same ones who claim they were abducted by aliens. In some rare cases, they claim the aliens also stole their identity."

The study concludes that given the slight risk of legitimate identity theft, there is no necessity to refuse to give out personal information on the internet; shred documents containing personal information; or avoid opening unsolicited emails.

EXCAVATION AT POINT STATE PARK HITS UPON SOMETHING WOODEN

CITY OFFICIALS IMMEDIATELY ASCERTAINED THAT MAYOR RAVENSTAHL WAS MILES AWAY AND CONCLUDED OBJECT IS NOT HIM

PRINCE WILLIAM ADMITS "STRANGE ATTRACTION" TO DUKE LACROSSE ACCUSER, CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM

INFATUATION WITH TROUBLED STRIPPER LED TO PRINCE'S BREAK-UP WITH KATE MIDDLETON; ROYALS "CONCERNED" THAT WILLIAM MAY BE SOCIALIZING BENEATH HIS STATION

COREY O'CONNOR COMPLETES FIRST ASSIGNMENT AS "CLEAN PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" MEMBER

PITTSBURGH MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS O'CONNOR "DID AWESOME JOB ON HIS BATHROOM," IS SLATED TO DO ERIN'S LAUNDRY NEXT

UPMC'S NEW ELECTRONIC SIGN ATOP US STEEL BUILDING ACCIDENTALLY FLASHES PATIENTS' PERSONAL DATA

MAYOR FORMS 35-PERSON COMMITTEE TO RETAIN YOUNG PITTSBURGH RESIDENTS

Ravenstahl hopes all 35 Pittsburghers currently under the age of 34 will be willing to serve on the committee

ANGELINA JOLIE GIVES UP NATURAL BORN DAUGHTER FOR ADOPTION

Actress says she has "too many mouths to feed"; couple from Darfur adopts child.

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL ENTERS EATING DISORDER CLINIC

Comparison of 2006 and 2007 photos shows alarming weight loss

PUNXSUTAWNEY --- Pennsylvania’s Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (DCNR) announced today that Punxsutawney Phil has entered an eating disorder clinic in upstate New York. The nation’s most famous weather-predicting marmot had lost a significant amount of weight within the last year, and DCNR staged an intervention last week. Phil entered rehab the next morning.

"Eating disorders have both physical and psychological dimensions,” said DCNR biologist Bob Brenneman. “It’s hard to say exactly what’s bothering him because he doesn’t talk, but it looks like a whole series of events led to his problems.”

Phil appeared to be riding high in February, 2006 (top photo). Apparently a Steelers fan, Phil emerged from his burrow holding a Terrible Towel and rooting for a Steelers victory, which came two days later. “But then, things started to spiral downhill,” Brenneman said. “The Steelers went 8-8 last season, and he seemed a little down. Then he was passed over for the Rozerum sleeping pill commercials, and he got a little more depressed. He lost a little weight and he was sleeping a lot, but that’s kind of normal for groundhogs anyway.”

By February 2, 2007, biologists felt something was wrong (bottom photo), but Phil went ahead with his weather prediction anyway. According to the Brenneman: “That’s when the bottom really fell out. Maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly by then, but he predicted an early spring. Within a few days we had a horrible snowstorm and the cold weather stayed through mid-April. The criticism has been unrelenting. He stopped eating altogether, and we felt we had to step in.”

Although many of the nation’s best eating disorder clinics are located in California, the DCNR felt that climate would be too warm for the furry creature and sent him to a facility in Buffalo, New York, instead. “We hope he doesn’t get even more depressed because he’s in Buffalo,” Brenneman joked. “We just want our fat and happy groundhog back.”

SHARPTON, JACKSON FIND HO'S EVERYWHERE

NEW YORK - Controversy erupts again as Rev. Al Sharpton is claiming that Santa's signature jolly laugh, "Ho, Ho, Ho," is in reality a taunt directed at the Rutgers Women's Basketball team. Sharpton is calling for Santa to apologize and step down from his post as mythical, gift bearing icon, beloved to children of all ages. "Look, Santa's been white for ages; it's time we get a Santa who is more sensitive to the needs of the minority community," said Sharpton. Sharpton is calling for weatherman Al Roker to take over Mr. Claus' duties. "Hell, he can gain that weight back by Christmas."

Rev Jesse Jackson is also continuing to pursue what he is now calling "the ho-locaust" of racism in today's media by calling for a boycott of Howard Johnson's restaurants, because of its nickname, "Ho-Jo's." Jackson claims the name is a racial slur directed at the Johns Hopkins University women's basketball team. Jackson reportedly will also call for a boycott of all British products because of the British usage of "Tally ho."

NOW ON SALE: THE DEFINITIVE BOOK ON PARENTING BY ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER

"I’m Virgie Mae Arthur, Anna Nicole’s mommy. Ever since her naked butt was plastered in Playboy, parents have been askin’ me how’d I raise such a fahnnn daughter. So I finally sat down one night and dictated a book for y'all that shows how to turn trailer trash into hard, cold cash! It’s all here: how you, too, can marry a dying billionaire, how to get the right breast implants. With a forward by Britney Spears, it’s my love letter to you parents. It's called, “It Takes a Village to Raise a Bimbo.” Wherever fahnnn books are sold."

(Listen to Ms. Arthur's commercial in this newscast.)

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOUND FACE-DOWN IN POOL OF BLOOD

Beloved prognosticator was victim of execution-style murder in retaliation for faulty forecast of an early spring

IMUS PLEADED WITH CBS PRESIDENT MOONVES TO KEEP HIS SHOW

"LES, CAN YOU GET ME OFF THE HOOK? FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE?"

"CAN'T DO IT, DON"

IMUS APOLOGY TO RUTGERS TEAM WENT WELL -- UP TO A POINT

Don Imus' apology to Rutgers Women's basketball team was going well until he tried to fix up three of the women with the accused players in the Duke Lacrosse rape case.

WARREN BUFFETT: 'BILL GATES CONNED ME OUT OF BILLIONS'

ORACLE OF OMAHA GAVE GATES FOUNDATION BILLIONS, NOW HE'S BUMMING MONEY FOR DINNER*OMAHA, Nebraska - Investor Warren Buffett, the "Oracle of Omaha," stunned the nation last year by announcing he is giving away the world's second largest fortune, valued at $42 billion, to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Today it was revealed that Buffett apparently gave away too much because he is broke and may have no choice but to file for personal bankruptcy.

Private banking documents obtained by this news source show that the Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway has maxed out on his credit cards and is unable to make even the minimum monthly payments. Gorat's Steak House in Omaha, a favorite Buffett hangout, told him his credit is no longer good there and that he'll be served only if he pays with cash in advance. Last night Buffett was seen on the sidewalk outside the restaurant imploring complete strangers to "lend me a hand so I can buy dinner." Several diners recognized the investing sage and pitched in to buy him a steak. Other witnesses claim that in recent days Buffett has made repeated trips to E-Z Money Pawn Shop, toting all manner of personalty.

The 76-year old Buffett angrily claims that Bill Gates conned him out of his fortune by "confusing and sweet-talking" him with promises that monuments would be erected in his honor. Buffett told this news source that "Gates could sell snow to an Eskimo. I'm an addled-brained old man. Imagine, having me fork over $42 billion for the downtrodden! I mean, how much money do these downtrodden need?"

Gates flatly dismisses what he refers to as Buffett's "bellyaching" and claims that Buffett's gift not only was "perfectly legal" but is very much needed by the Gates Foundation. "We have used every penny of Mr. Buffet's gift. The fact of the matter is that some of the downtrodden the Foundation serves have very expensive tastes," said Gates. "I plan to make good on my promise to put Warren's name on monuments, or whatever the hell I promised him," Gates explained. "But he ain't getting the money back."

*For the people in Nebraska who, according to our site meter, are looking at this posting with such care this morning, we will share with you what the rest of our readers already know: it is a spoof.

WASHOUT OF DOUBLEHEADER ANGERS HOT BARRY BONDS

Postponement of Pirates - Giants game angers Barry Bonds. Weatherman Steve Cropper rescued by stadium security.

UPMC ASKS PERMISSION TO DISPLAY LOGO ON TOP OF U.S. STEEL BUILDING

Also asks for variance for lasers on top of building to shoot at Highmark Blue Cross Building and Allegheny General Hospital

IMUS IN TROUBLE AGAIN

. . . ANNOUNCES THE DEATH OF HO

CBS PRESIDENT LES MOONVES CONDUCTS EXIT INTERVIEW WITH FIRED SHOCK JOCK DON IMUS

DON IMUS IS FIRED

MEDIA DECLARES FOREMOST 'BLACK' PROBLEM IN AMERICA RESOLVED, REVERTS TO IGNORING RACE ISSUES UNTIL NEXT WHITE CELEBRITY GAFFE

BARTENDER CELEBRATES 75 YEARS ON TAP WITH 'SHOTS ON WHEELS' TO SERVE SHUT-INS

WEST VIEW - Angelo Cammarata, 93 has been serving alcohol to generations of Pittsburghers at his bar in West View. Now he's planning to take his services to the community in a program he founded called Shots On Wheels. "Many elderly people can no longer make it down to the local tavern" explained Cammarata, "so we bring the tavern to them." He says that the shut-ins really appreciate it. "They can toss back a couple of shots, we'll bring 'em some smokes, sometimes we even get a dice game going."

Inspiration for the program came from an article Cammarata read about a drug dealer in Youngstown who started a "Crack On Wheels" program for elderly addicts. "We eliminated the beatings and armed robbery and turned it into something positive," said Cammarata. "You should see people's faces light up when we ring the bell."

Cammarata says he intends to continue bartending for the foreseeable future or "until the Surgeon General declares me a public health hazard."

TITANIC DISCOVERER: SCAVENGERS HAVE TURNED SUNKEN VESSEL INTO A WRECK

NARRAGANSETT, R.I. - Sunday marks the 95th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, and Titanic discover Robert Ballard is lobbying for an international treaty to prevent so-called "extreme tourist" groups from doing further harm to the rapidly decaying vessel.

"These scavenger vultures, with their submersible watercraft, are turning the Titanic into a wreck," Dr. Ballard told a news conference. Dr. Ballard claimed that tourists cart away artifacts "as if they were collecting seashells at the beach."

The press conference took an unexpected turn, however, when Ballard was asked how he could differentiate between damage caused to the ship by scavengers from damage caused by the iceberg that sank it. Ballard became visibly upset and insisted there never was an iceberg. "'Iceberg!' What 'iceberg'?" he shouted in a shrill, high-pitched voice. "The 'Titanic' was wrecked by the venal capitalist scavengers!"

No nation has yet signed Ballard's treaty.

RUTGERS WOMEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM UNDER FIRE FOR CALLING DON IMUS “FUZZY-HEADED TURKEY-NECKED BASTARD”

WILL MAKE IN-PERSON APOLOGY AT WFAN STUDIO FOLLOWING RADIO HOST'S RETURN TO AIRWAVES

TOM MURPHY AND CHAING KAI SHEK SEEN PARTYING AT THE CARLTON

CHINESE, PITTSBURGHERS FEAR DEPOSED LEADERS PLOTTING COMEBACKS

FREED BRITS SIGN LUCRATIVE, MULI-YEAR DEAL TO APPEAR ON IRANIAN TV

TEHRAN – The freed British sailors and marines, who were held by Iran for nearly two weeks, have become the biggest thing ever on Iranian television, replacing reruns of Who’s the Boss as the number one show here. They have become so popular, in fact, that they just signed a multi-million dollar deal to keep appearing.

Every day during their captivity, the Brits appear in television broadcasts produced by the Iran’s Revolutionary Guards. Iranians by the thousands called off work or skipped school just to watch the broadcasts of the Brits smoking, drinking, and standing in front of maps.

“I just love them,” said Velveeta Khomeini-Hussein who spoke through an interpreter. “They’re so dry and witty – much better than the last [British TV show] we had – what was it called? Benny Hill?” Ms. Khomeini-Hussein then dashed into her hut and turned on her TV for another rerun of the British smoking and apologizing.

A spokesperson for British Prime Minister Tony Blair has confirmed that the last sticking point in the negotiations between Iran and the United Kingdom over ending the hostage crisis was how to divvy up the lucrative television rights for the hostages. Production of new episodes of the show, tentatively titled The Infidel Captives, is scheduled to begin next week.

The popularity of the Brits doesn’t please everyone in Iran. A man, who refused to be identified, said that the popularity of the Brits is ruining his chances of starting an independent television network in Iran. “Again with the adorable hostages -- I can compete with that?” the man asked, then spat on the ground. “If lawsuits were allowed in Iran, I’d sue those [Revolutionary Guards] – putting me out of business before I even get started!”

RAVENSTAHL RETURNS FROM 'MAYORS' CONFERENCE' IN SOUTH PADRE ISLAND

DICK SKRINJAR: "WELL, AT LEAST HE TOLD US IT WAS A MAYORS' CONFERENCE. THE FACT THAT THE MAYOR CAN GO ON A TRIP LIKE THIS DEMONSTRATES HIS MATURITY AND GRAVITAS."

8TH INNING, APRIL 11: 'SOMETIME THEY'LL GIVE A BALLGAME AND NOBODY WILL COME'

FACING NUMEROUS COUNTS OF THEFT, CONSPIRACY, PITTSBURGH CITY COUNCILOR TWANDA CARLISLE HIRES HER COUSIN VINNY AS LEGAL COUNSEL

POLITICOS MONITORING THE CASE EXPECT HER ATTORNEY'S CLOSING REMARKS TO BE PLAGIARIZED, FRAUGHT WITH ERRORS -- BUT VERY BRIEF