Radar O'Reilly: I have a message . . . [Reading] Bob Barker's plane was shot down over the sea of Japan . . . it spun in . . . there were no survivors.
SHOCKING FINALE FOR BOB BARKER'S 'PRICE IS RIGHT': GARY BURGHOFF READS TEARFUL ANNOUNCEMENT
Radar O'Reilly: I have a message . . . [Reading] Bob Barker's plane was shot down over the sea of Japan . . . it spun in . . . there were no survivors.
MUQTADA AL-SADR SAYS HE WILL ENTER IOWA CAUCUSES; VOWS TO TAKE “GET U.S. TROOPS OUT OF IRAQ” MESSAGE STRAIGHT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
RADICAL CLERIC SAYS IF HE CAN’T CAPTURE THE DELEGATES' VOTES, HE’LL JUST CAPTURE THE DELEGATES
BUSH HEADS TO G-8 SUMMIT
Aides boast that for first time Prez won't have names of seven other nations written on his hand
WE GET MAIL: ACTUAL NOTE RECEIVED BY THIS WEB SITE
Dear Judge Peckham: I am a first grade teacher. My class and I were shocked, appalled and disgusted by the insult leveled at Mr. Rogers and our WWII vets by way of the memorial statue showing Fred Rogers holding what appears to be an FN FAL 7.62 mm NATO rifle! (Story here.) Doesn’t anyone know his history anymore? He should be carrying a 30.06 caliber Garand M -1 (or perhaps a .45 Thompson) – those were the guns that pushed the Huns and sons of Nippon back to Berlin and Tokyo respectively! Get it right – or we may well have another generation of young people with no appreciation for history and simple ballistics. -- Your fan (usually), GladysDear Gladys: The gun's not realistic enough for you? Have you even glanced at the statue? In fact, the gun's the least of our worries. I don't know if you've noticed, but this so-called likeness of perhaps our most beloved Pittsburgher is caked with craggy-skinned scales and has more in common with The Thing from the Fantastic Four than Mr. Rogers. Accordingly, Gladys, I suggest that the sculptor could put the historically inaccurate gun to good use, first by taking you out with it, then by turning it on himself. -- Your friend, Judge Rufus Peckham
G-8 Summit Tensions Hamper Bush's Trip
PRAGUE -- The White House has dubbed the President's current trip to meet with G-8 leaders in Germany "Making Enemies Where None Existed." Presidential aides said that to achieve this goal, Mr. Bush has gone out of his way to put a frosty coating on his previously warm relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin by threatening to beef up missile defenses in former Soviet satellites. "Mission Accomplished," said a high ranking White House staffer after Mr. Bush managed to coax Putin into threatening to target Europe with intercontinental ballistic missiles.
The president explained his game plan for the summit: "I'm going to say to Putin, 'We were all happier when we had that cold war, Vladimir.' I'm also going to tell him he's a Rooskie, candy-ass, heh-heh." The president added that the other G-8 leaders are "either girlie-men or manly-girls." Mr. Bush then illustrated for the press the size of his own testicles, pictured above.
When asked about Mr. Bush's comments, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice smiled and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, he's just being silly. Everybody understands he's just being silly." Rice said she is certain she can overcome the president's "adolescent, macho posturing, and pursue productive solutions with our G-8 allies."
The president explained his game plan for the summit: "I'm going to say to Putin, 'We were all happier when we had that cold war, Vladimir.' I'm also going to tell him he's a Rooskie, candy-ass, heh-heh." The president added that the other G-8 leaders are "either girlie-men or manly-girls." Mr. Bush then illustrated for the press the size of his own testicles, pictured above.
When asked about Mr. Bush's comments, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice smiled and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, he's just being silly. Everybody understands he's just being silly." Rice said she is certain she can overcome the president's "adolescent, macho posturing, and pursue productive solutions with our G-8 allies."
NFL OFFICIALS NOW IN 14th DAY OF REVIEW OF ZIERLEIN RAUNCHY VIDEO
ONE OFFICIAL REPORTEDLY HAS GONE BLIND
CAUSE OF STEELERS' POOR DRAFT SELECTIONS REVEALED
Pro personnel coordinator Doug Whaley was indeed "watching a ton of tape," as he claimed; unfortunately, it was the same tape he sent to Larry Zierlein
TERRORISTS TRIED TO DESTROY JFK AIRPORT BECAUSE 'IT WOULD BE LIKE KILLING JFK AGAIN'
EVIL GENIUSES NEXT PLANNED TO BLOW UP THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT -- SO THAT AMERICA WOULD BE STUCK WITH JOHN ADAMS AS PRESIDENT
ROADRUNNER TESTS POSITIVE FOR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS; COYOTE CALLS FOR SANCTIONS
DEATH VALLEY - The Roadrunner, long-time member of the Looney Tunes Animated Team, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. An official from the International Organization of Cartoon Racing (IOCR), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the second doping sample supplied by the Roadrunner tested positive for higher-than allowable amounts of synthetic testosterone.
The Roadrunner has competed against Wile E. Coyote in thousands of races on the American Southwest circuit for over forty years. He has never lost. Skeptics have often claimed his undefeated record is tainted. Additional suspicions were raised this past winter when FBI agents raided the ACME Laboratory in Cucamonga , California. It is alleged that numerous files embossed with the name ROADRUNNER were removed from the laboratory.
Reached by reporters at his home, where he was putting the finishing touches on a rocket filled with TNT, Mr. Coyote was indignant. “I always suspected something was amiss. No wonder he was able to paint such convincing backdrops against mountain walls so quickly. No wonder he was capable of driving trains and trucks that left me flattened, or worse, shaped like an accordion.” Mr. Coyote said he felt cheated, but he hoped the IOCR would do the right thing. “There has to be sanctions for this kind of behavior.” Mr. Coyote offered a possible solution. “If they would give me the opportunity, just once, to grab him by his scrawny neck and rip him to pieces with my razor-sharp canine teeth, devouring his flesh ever-so-slowly, I’d be willing to call it even.”
PIRATE FANS PETITION TO STOP HIGH-DEFINITION BROADCASTS
PITTSBURGH - An online petition was circulated at PNC Park over the weekend to encourage the Pittsburgh Pirates to cease high-definition broadcasts of their games. Walter Dietrick, founder of http://www.i-have-seen-too-much.com/ says that he started the petition driver after watching the first two months of the season in High-Def.
Dietrick explained: “The Pirates' performance is all too disturbing in vivid high-definition: The pitchers' inability to find the strike zone; the misjudged fly balls; the base running errors; the called third strikes taken by the heart of the line-up. Frankly, the less I see, and the less clearly I see it, the better.”
Dietrick has reverted to watching the games on an old black-and-white TV. He also prefers the old static-filled AM radio broadcasts to this year’s switch to the FM dial. “It comes down to this: I have the TV or radio on in the background when I’m paying my bills or cutting the grass,” he said. “I really don’t want to follow what’s going on that closely.”
KEVORKIAN RELEASE EMOTIONAL
LANSING, Mich. - Dr. Jack Kevorkian walked out of a southern Michigan prison Friday morning after serving just over eight years of a 10- to 25-year sentence for his second-degree murder conviction in the death of a man with Lou Gehrig's disease.
While some relatives of people who died with Dr. Jack Kevorkian's help are upset over his release, local morticians, florists and limousine services are preparing an enthusiastic welcome. "We want Jack to know that we support him," said local mortician Felix Plantim. "When Jack was on the street, those were good times -- good times."
Kevorkian, 79, says he's had a lot of time to reflect on his actions and doesn't plan to get back into the suicide business. "I'm going into dogfighting, it's my way to give something back to the community."
While some relatives of people who died with Dr. Jack Kevorkian's help are upset over his release, local morticians, florists and limousine services are preparing an enthusiastic welcome. "We want Jack to know that we support him," said local mortician Felix Plantim. "When Jack was on the street, those were good times -- good times."
Kevorkian, 79, says he's had a lot of time to reflect on his actions and doesn't plan to get back into the suicide business. "I'm going into dogfighting, it's my way to give something back to the community."
BREAKING NEWS: TB CARRIER ANDREW SPEAKER ESCAPES FROM QUARANTINE, ROBS BANK
BANK OF DENVER SURVEILLANCE CAMERA CATCHES SPEAKER IN THE ACT
MICROSOFT OUTLOOK TO ELIMINATE THE 'SEND TO ALL NFL GMs AND NFL COMMISSIONER' BUTTON FOLLOWING ZIERLEIN RAUNCHY EMAIL MISTAKE
REDMOND, WASH. - Microsoft announced today it will make it more difficult to accidentally send a raunchy email to all NFL General Managers and the NFL Commissioner, as Steelers' assistant coach Larry Zierlein recently did, by eliminating from Outlook, Microsoft's email application, the button marked "Send to all NFL GMs and NFL Commissioner." The button has been a standard feature of Microsoft Office programs.
Zierlein applauded the news. "I mistook the 'Send to all NFL GMs and NFL Commissioner' button for the regular 'Send' button," he explained. "It was 100% unintentional." NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the move is long overdue. "Right now I get approximately 700,000 emails per day," he said. "Of those, only a dozen or so make any sense to me. And I'll bet you it's because of that damn button on Outlook."
PENNDOT PHONED IN BOMB SCARE TO MOTIVATE DRIVERS TO MAINTAIN SPEEDS IN TUNNELS
"DRIVERS ARE LESS LIKELY TO SLOW DOWN IN THE TUNNELS IF THEY THINK THEY MIGHT BE BLOWN UP," SAID PENNDOT SPOKESMAN MIKE HILLWIG. PLAN THWARTED WHEN STATE POLICE SHUT DOWN TUNNELS, DECLARED THEM FREE OF BOMBS
HEALTH OFFICIALS SEEK TO LOCATE AIRLINE PASSENGERS WHO SAT NEAR CONTAGIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC MAN
CHUCK TANNER OF NEW CASTLE IDENTIFIED AS TRAVELER SUFFERING FROM ACUTE, INFECTIOUS OPTIMISM
ATLANTA - Health officials in North America and Europe sought passenger lists from a trans-Atlantic airline flight to find about 80 people who sat near a traveler, identified today as Chuck Tanner of New Castle, who suffers from acute unrelenting optimism that is considered highly infectious, said the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Tanner was placed under the first federal quarantine since 1963. Doctors plan to begin treating him immediately with two antibiotics, one oral and one intravenous. They hope to also determine where he contracted the disease.
Centers for Disease Control officials are devising special precautions for treating Tanner after three nurses reported they felt buoyant, upbeat and hopeful after being with him for several minutes.
ATLANTA - Health officials in North America and Europe sought passenger lists from a trans-Atlantic airline flight to find about 80 people who sat near a traveler, identified today as Chuck Tanner of New Castle, who suffers from acute unrelenting optimism that is considered highly infectious, said the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Tanner was placed under the first federal quarantine since 1963. Doctors plan to begin treating him immediately with two antibiotics, one oral and one intravenous. They hope to also determine where he contracted the disease.
Centers for Disease Control officials are devising special precautions for treating Tanner after three nurses reported they felt buoyant, upbeat and hopeful after being with him for several minutes.
TB CARRIER CONTRACTED DISEASE WHEN FATHER-IN-LAW ACCIDENTALLY SERVED HIM A SCOTCH AND CONCENTRATED TB VIRUS
ATLANTA - The honeymooner who traveled from the US to Europe and back again with a dangerous strain of tuberculosis was identified Thursday as 31-year-old Andrew Speaker, a personal injury lawyer in private practice with his father in Atlanta. "Not anymore he isn't," corrected Speaker's father, Beauregard. (Andrew Speaker is pictured above arriving for treatment in the United States, explaining that he has "no symptoms whatsoever" and that he feels "fine.")
Centers for Disease Control officials condemned Speaker's conduct of exposing numerous air travelers to the risk of infection: "This man's wanton disregard for others is totally reprehensible behavior, even for a personal injury lawyer," the CDC said in a written statement.
Speaker's new father-in-law, Bob Cooksey, a CDC microbiologist specializing in the spread of TB, admitted that Speaker may have come into contact with the virus when Cooksey accidentally served Speaker a "Scotch and Concentrated TB Virus" instead of his usual Scotch and Water about a month ago.
The American Medical Association spearheaded the movement to quarantine Speaker. An AMA spokesman said last night that the AMA also supports quarantining all personal injury lawyers, "in case they have this same disease."
Speaker's new father-in-law, Bob Cooksey, a CDC microbiologist specializing in the spread of TB, admitted that Speaker may have come into contact with the virus when Cooksey accidentally served Speaker a "Scotch and Concentrated TB Virus" instead of his usual Scotch and Water about a month ago.
The American Medical Association spearheaded the movement to quarantine Speaker. An AMA spokesman said last night that the AMA also supports quarantining all personal injury lawyers, "in case they have this same disease."
DR. KEVORKIAN IS FREED, PROMISES 'NEVER AGAIN' TO ASSIST SUICIDES
PITTSBURGH POLICE ON "HIGH ALERT," FEAR THE SIGHT OF PIRATE FANS ON CLEMENTE BRIDGE MIGHT BE TOO TEMPTING FOR HIM
POPE TO MAKE PILGRIMAGE TO ST. VINCENT ’S COLLEGE THIS JULY, HOPES TO HEAL GREAT SCHISM BETWEEN STEELER MANAGEMENT, FANECA
VATICAN CITY -Pope Benedict XVI will make his first pilgrimage to an NFL training camp this summer when he will travel to St. Vincent ’s College in Latrobe, Pennsylvania , in an effort to heal the great schism that has developed between Pittsburgh Steelers management and all-pro guard Alan Faneca over the issue of a contract extension. The Pope is expected to spend several days watching practice and mingling with fans. Reports that he planned to coach the defense in the Steelers legendary “goal-line” drill remain unconfirmed.
The primary reason for the visit, however, is to resolve the contract dispute that threatens to become a gigantic distraction for first year coach Mike Tomlin. “The Holy Father has been following developments in this situation very closely,” said a spokesman for the Vatican who wished to remain anonymous. “One of the central missions of his papacy, as he stated early on, is to bring peace where there is war, and to reconcile those in conflict. The Holy Father believes the continuation of hostilities between the Rooney family and Mr. Faneca would do grievous damage to both parties, not to mention create innumerable crisis of faith in the souls of the greatest fans in the world.”
Details of the pilgrimage are expected to be released by the NFL commissioner’s office this morning. This is the second time a Pope has visited Steelers training camp. In 1974, Pope Paul VI met with members of the Steel Curtain and gave them a general absolution for any personal fouls committed in the course of the season.
GEORGIA COURT THROWS OUT SUIT TO BAN HARRY POTTER BOOKS FROM SCHOOLS BECAUSE THEY PROMOTE WITCHCRAFT
DISAPPOINTED PLAINTIFF DARRIN STEPHENS VOWS TO CONTINUE "NO WITCHCRAFT" CRUSADE
POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD SLAMS PEDUTO FOR STEPPING OUT OF THE WAY OF APPROACHING TRUCK
“He made a commitment to cross the street. He should have stuck to his convictions instead of stepping back onto the curb.”
JIM TRACY ADMITS HE PLAGIARIZED PRE-SEASON PEP TALK FROM CAPT. HAZELWOOD OF THE EXXON VALDEZ
"I hate to disappoint the pundits, but I sense a winning attitude among my crew that I didn't sense on our last voyage together." Pirates manager Jim Tracy, April 1, 2007
BUSH VISITS NEW WAR CZAR'S OFFICE, LEAVES VISIBLY UPSET THAT THERE ARE NO COSSACKS ON STAFF
"EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF CZAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE PRESIDENT
ANGRY DEER ATTACKS DOGS, VOW MORE ASSAULTS UNLESS BOW SEASON, DEERSKIN GLOVES HALTED
PITTSBURGH -- A rogue deer that has attacked three dogs in the South Hills has sent a shiver throughout the canine community. Randy, a blind and elderly wheaten terrier-mix was attacked and stomped by a deer yesterday in Mt. Lebanon. Randy described the incident from his hospital bed: "I was peeing on a tree and this deer came out of the woods and asked me if my owner drives a Chevy Impala - with deer fur in the grille, then he started stomping on me."
Bailey, 7-year-old beagle from Bethel Park, told a similar story. "I was sniffing a bush that some of my friends had peed on and a deer came out of the woods and said, 'This is for buck season,' and just started stomping me."
Notes left at both crime scenes complained about hit and run drivers, bow season and deerskin gloves. It said the attacks will continue and that 'dogs will pay dearly for any deer that show up missing.' The notes also demanded fifteen minutes with Sally Wiggin, to explain the terrorist acts. The notes were signed "Venison Vigilantes."
Police described the deer as medium build, brown fur, brown eyes, white tail. Anyone who sees deer matching this description stomping on dogs is encouraged to contact police.
Bailey, 7-year-old beagle from Bethel Park, told a similar story. "I was sniffing a bush that some of my friends had peed on and a deer came out of the woods and said, 'This is for buck season,' and just started stomping me."
Notes left at both crime scenes complained about hit and run drivers, bow season and deerskin gloves. It said the attacks will continue and that 'dogs will pay dearly for any deer that show up missing.' The notes also demanded fifteen minutes with Sally Wiggin, to explain the terrorist acts. The notes were signed "Venison Vigilantes."
Police described the deer as medium build, brown fur, brown eyes, white tail. Anyone who sees deer matching this description stomping on dogs is encouraged to contact police.
STEVE BLASS LEAVES BOOTH AND CHARGES MOUND
Veteran announcer grabs ball from Duke and screams, “I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”PITTSBURGH - After weeks of watching the Pirates once-promising pitching staff falter, former starter and current color analyst Steve Blass suddenly left the booth during the top of the fourth inning during Zack Duke’s last start.
Although the rest of the broadcast team originally thought that he might be ill, they soon saw him charging the mound and accosting the surprised Duke. After delivering a verbal lashing, Blass then grabbed the ball from Duke and said, “Like this! Geez! I’ll do it myself!”
Blass then went on to finish the game striking out six and allowing only one hit.
POLICE SAY BOMB SCARE AT GRANT AND BLVD. OF ALLIES WAS FALSE ALARM
IT WAS JUST ADAM LaROCHE TAKING A WALK
LOW-INCOME PEOPLE TO GET PREFERENCE FOR CASINO JOBS
DON BARDEN: "RICH FAT CATS EARNING IN EXCESS OF $100,000 WILL NOT BE ELIGIBLE FOR JOBS AT MY CASINO, ALL OF WHICH PAY $5.85 PER HOUR."
RESULTS OF O’DONNELL-HASSELBACK POLL ARE IN
The results are in on the Carbolic Smoke Ball’s scientific poll concerning the startling announcement that former member of The View, Rosie O’Donnell, will never speak again to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who criticized Rosie for implying that United States Troops in Iran were terrorists.
In response to the question, "Do you care whether Rosie ever again speaks to Elizabeth," the results were:
“WHO’S YOUR DADDY?”
Mayor mistakes serious inquiry from constituent as a come-on.PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl apparently believes he was "hit on" by a 35 year-old mother of two at a recent function. The woman, Amy Caldwell of Shadyside, was in front of the young Mayor as they stood in line for drinks at a fundraiser for the Democratic Party. Noticing him, Caldwell asked him who his Daddy was. The mayor just smiled and whispered to one of his staff members, “Yeah, they say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac!”
Told of the Mayor’s interpretation of the event, a shocked Caldwell said, “That was the Mayor? And he thought I was coming on to him? Please! I just thought that boy was too young to be in here and I wanted to make sure his father knew where the kid was! Give me a break!”
CHARLES NELSON REILLY INFURIATED TO LEARN ASCOTS FORBIDDEN IN HEAVEN
SAINT PETER PLACATES DECEASED GAME SHOW PANELIST BY ALLOWING HIM TO USE HIS PIPE IN DESIGNATED SMOKING AREAS
NORTH SHORE RESIDENTS COMPLAIN 'TOO MANY MEMORIALS' IN THE WORKS, WANT FRED ROGERS MEMORIAL COMBINED WITH WORLD WAR II MEMORIAL
RESIDENTS SUGGEST STRAPPING CAMOUFLAGE SWEATER AND ASSAULT RIFLE ON MR. ROGERS STATUE
SEASON FINALE OF “24” LEAVES AUDIENCE, CRITICS COLD; FINAL EPISODE NOTHING BUT JACK BAUER PREPARING FOR BED
HOLLYWOOD - Last week's season finale of the popular Fox drama “24,” has elicited nothing but groans from fans and critics alike. The show airs in real time. Each one hour episode depicts events that transpire over a sixty minute period in the life of fictional American secret agent Jack Bauer. The final installment, which ran for two hours, was set between the hours of four and six a.m.“The action, and I use that term loosely, consisted of nothing but Bauer brushing, flossing, and gargling for nearly the entire first hour,” complained Washington Post television critic Tom Shales. “Things picked up a bit when our hero discovered the anti-bacterial soap dispenser on his bathroom sink was empty, and went full-throttle throughout the house looking for a replacement, but we knew he was going to find one. He always does.”
Overnight ratings indicate the audience agreed. Millions of viewers tuned out for the final twenty minutes. In doing so, they missed Bauer fluffing up his pillows, climbing into bed, and reading a book. The show ended with Bauer nodding off to sleep, his reading glasses falling to the bridge of his nose, drool spilling from the corner of his mouth.
“If the folks at Fox want people to come back, they’re going to have to make some big changes,” said Shales. “I’ve seen an advance copy of next season’s premiere, and I’m not interested in watching fifty minutes of Jack Bauer bathing, shaving, and pressing a pair of trousers before he heads out to save the world after the last commercial break.”
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