LINCOLN LETTER URGING GENERAL MEADE TO FINISH OFF CONFERDATE ARMY, LOST SINCE 1863, IS FOUND
GENERAL MEADE SAYS "IT'S A SHAME" HE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT LETTER 144 YEARS AGO, BUT SAYS HE'LL COMPLY WITH LINCOLN'S INSTRUCTIONS
WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PHOTO FROM G-8 SUMMIT
President Bush's interpreter conveys a diplomatic point toRussian President Vladimir Putin at the G-8 Summit.
L.A. POLICE 'UPSET' THAT PARIS HILTON NOT GIVEN ADEQUATE CHANCE TO TEST NEW JEWEL-ENCRUSTED HOME INTERNMENT BRACELET
Commanding officers of the Los Angeles Police Department are "very upset" that Judge Michael Sauer ordered Paris Hilton back to jail last Friday after giving her only two days to test out their new "inmate bling" ankle bracelet."We were desperately looking for someone to model this new design for us, and Paris just seemed like a natural," said LAPD Commander Rick Goodwell. "It came down to her and a drug trafficker named Ernesto, so we took a poll: most of the guys in the [police] department felt it looked better on Paris's ankle than Ernesto's," Goodwell explained. "Note I said 'most of the guys.'"
Goodwell pointed out that despite being "flashy and damn sexy," the jewel-encrusted bracelet nevertheless is "a sophisticated, tamper -proof GPS tracking device" that allowed police to keep tabs on the recalcitrant heiress with 100% accuracy. "We take this very seriously," he said. "But unfortunately, because of Judge Sauer," Goodwell explained, "Ernesto now has a very fine piece of jewelry."
SPECIAL CEREMONIES TUESDAY WILL MARK FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF ROETHLISBERGER MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
BIG BEN TO ATTEND CHANGING OF GUARD, LAY WREATH AT ACCIDENT MEMORIAL NEAR THE ARMSTRONG TUNNELS
SHERIFF LEE BACA RELEASES TERROR CULT LEADER CHARLES MANSON FROM PRISON DUE TO UNSPECIFIED MEDICAL CONDITION, SENDS HIM TO HOME CONFINEMENT
SHERIFF CONFIDENT THIS RELEASE "WILL HOLD UP BETTER" THAN HIS RELEASE OF PARIS HILTON
RESULTS OF POLL TO NAME STEELERS' MASCOT
The top five choices, according to your votes, are as follows:
- The Terrible Idea: 214
- Sally Wiggin: 121
- Yarone Zober: 52
- Vlad the Impaler: 42
- Herb: 37
CHILDREN'S MUSEUM INTRODUCES 'CINDY, THE BIG RED BREAST'
Two-year-old Jimmy Morton "cops a feel" as the new, interactive"breast character" takes a stroll around the museum. The Museum's Director, Barbara Miller said, "The boys seem the most interested in Cindy."
PIRATES SELECT LEFT-HANDED PITCHER IN FIRST ROUND OF MLB DRAFT
Pirate scouts project Daniel Moskos will be ready for elbow surgery by the 2010 season.
WIKIPEDIA BUYS POST-GAZETTE
NEWS TO BE WRITTEN COLLABORATIVELY BY VOLUNTEERS FROM AROUND THE TRI-STATE AREA
TOLEDO, Ohio - Diana Block, co-publisher of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, announced today that Block Communications has sold the paper for an undisclosed sum of money to Internet encyclopedia giant Wikipedia.
Wikipedia said it "will maintain the highest journalistic standards of the 220-year-old daily paper," frequently touted as the oldest daily west of the Alleghenies, but announced that the entire Post-Gazette staff will be displaced within the next month, and the paper will be written "by amateur volunteers from around the tri-state area."
An amateur spokesman for Wikipedia explained that with rare exceptions, the paper's articles will be subject to editing by anyone with access to the Internet. The spokesman said that articles failing to meet Wikipedia's standards of accuracy will be prominently marked with a disclaimer, such as: "This article has been nominated to be checked for its neutrality," or "This article does not cite any references or sources. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources."
The Wikipedia spokesman said that since the public will decide the Post-Gazette's content, "in all likelihood, the Post-Gazette will be devoted exclusively to news of the Steelers."
Diana Block said that Block Communications "looked long and hard" for a buyer dedicated to bringing unbiased reporting with the highest journalistic standards to the citizens of Western Pennsylvania. "Unfortunately," she explained, "we couldn't find one."
TOLEDO, Ohio - Diana Block, co-publisher of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, announced today that Block Communications has sold the paper for an undisclosed sum of money to Internet encyclopedia giant Wikipedia.Wikipedia said it "will maintain the highest journalistic standards of the 220-year-old daily paper," frequently touted as the oldest daily west of the Alleghenies, but announced that the entire Post-Gazette staff will be displaced within the next month, and the paper will be written "by amateur volunteers from around the tri-state area."
An amateur spokesman for Wikipedia explained that with rare exceptions, the paper's articles will be subject to editing by anyone with access to the Internet. The spokesman said that articles failing to meet Wikipedia's standards of accuracy will be prominently marked with a disclaimer, such as: "This article has been nominated to be checked for its neutrality," or "This article does not cite any references or sources. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources."
The Wikipedia spokesman said that since the public will decide the Post-Gazette's content, "in all likelihood, the Post-Gazette will be devoted exclusively to news of the Steelers."
Diana Block said that Block Communications "looked long and hard" for a buyer dedicated to bringing unbiased reporting with the highest journalistic standards to the citizens of Western Pennsylvania. "Unfortunately," she explained, "we couldn't find one."
JON DELANO RETURNS FROM IRAQ , WILL AIR SPECIAL REPORT ON KDKA NEWS TONIGHT
LOCAL ANALYST CONCLUDES “THE SURGE STRATEGY MAY BE WORKING, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IT MAY NOT. WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE. PATRICE AND STACEY.”
CHENEY ANNOUNCES HE'S IN CHARGE WHILE BUSH ATTENDS G-8 SUMMIT
With President Bush in Germany at the G-8 summit, Vice
President Dick Cheney appeared at the White House today
dressed, as he put it, "to the nines" and announced to the
stunned White House staff, "I'm in charge here."
President Dick Cheney appeared at the White House today
dressed, as he put it, "to the nines" and announced to the
stunned White House staff, "I'm in charge here."
BOB BARKER MAULED BY PACK OF STRAY DOGS EN ROUTE TO FINAL BROADCAST OF “THE PRICE IS RIGHT”
“WHY DON’T PEOPLE HAVE THEIR PETS SPAYED OR NEUTERED” MOANS MORTALLY WOUNDED GAME-SHOW HOST
TROPICAL CYCLONE GONU TEARS THROUGH OMAN; BUSH DISPATCHES FORMER FEMA CHIEF MICHAEL BROWN TO PERSIAN GULF TO HANDLE RELIEF EFFORTS
PRES SAYS HE’S CONFIDENT BROWNIE WILL KEEP LEVEES INTACT
U.S. APPEALS COURT STRIKES DOWN FCC OBSCENITY RULE; JACK BOGUT CELEBRATES BY PEPPERING MONOLOGUE WITH STREAM OF “DARNS” AND “HECKS”
PITTSBURGH - Beloved local radio personality Jack Bogut celebrated the United States Court of Appeals decision to strike portions of the FCC obscenity law by unleashing a torrent of foul language on the air this morning. “I’m so gosh-darned happy about this gosh-darned ruling that I wish I could kiss every dang one of those circuit court judges!” he exclaimed. “To heck with the FCC. You heard me right, folks. To heck, I say!”
Bogut, whose show airs in morning drive on WJAS, received a severe reprimand from station management for his language. “The phone lines went crazy,” said Bogut. “I guess the listeners just weren’t prepared for a visit to ol’ Jack’s dark side.” Additionally, a spokesman for Renda Broadcasting, which owns WJAS, said Bogut had his mouth washed out with soap by Bogut in the Morning traffic reporter Carol Finelli in the WJAS men’s room following this morning’s show. “Cheese and crackers, that tasted awful!” said Bogut. “I’ll never use those words again.”
This is not the first time Bogut has run into trouble with his on-air behavior. Last year, Bogut was fined by the FCC for exceeding federally mandated standards of decency in broadcasting. He has appealed the fine, citing numerous examples of his indecent behavior. “Last week, Chris Shovlin sneezed in-studio and I didn’t even say God bless you.”
OUTBOUND PARKWAY EAST TO CLOSE IN CITY'S LATEST BID TO STEM POPULATION LOSS
PITTSBURGH - In the latest move by Mayor Ravenstahl to stem the tide of young people moving away from the city, the mayor announced he is closing the Parkway East this weekend. "We can at least prevent them from going to North Huntingdon, Wilmerding or other points East," said the mayor. A PennDOT spokesman who did not wish to be named said he expects the impact of closure to include "fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, forty years of darkness, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together. In short, mass hysteria."
SHOCKING FINALE FOR BOB BARKER'S 'PRICE IS RIGHT': GARY BURGHOFF READS TEARFUL ANNOUNCEMENT
Radar O'Reilly: I have a message . . . [Reading] Bob Barker's plane was shot down over the sea of Japan . . . it spun in . . . there were no survivors.
MUQTADA AL-SADR SAYS HE WILL ENTER IOWA CAUCUSES; VOWS TO TAKE “GET U.S. TROOPS OUT OF IRAQ” MESSAGE STRAIGHT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
RADICAL CLERIC SAYS IF HE CAN’T CAPTURE THE DELEGATES' VOTES, HE’LL JUST CAPTURE THE DELEGATES
BUSH HEADS TO G-8 SUMMIT
Aides boast that for first time Prez won't have names of seven other nations written on his hand
WE GET MAIL: ACTUAL NOTE RECEIVED BY THIS WEB SITE
Dear Judge Peckham: I am a first grade teacher. My class and I were shocked, appalled and disgusted by the insult leveled at Mr. Rogers and our WWII vets by way of the memorial statue showing Fred Rogers holding what appears to be an FN FAL 7.62 mm NATO rifle! (Story here.) Doesn’t anyone know his history anymore? He should be carrying a 30.06 caliber Garand M -1 (or perhaps a .45 Thompson) – those were the guns that pushed the Huns and sons of Nippon back to Berlin and Tokyo respectively! Get it right – or we may well have another generation of young people with no appreciation for history and simple ballistics. -- Your fan (usually), GladysDear Gladys: The gun's not realistic enough for you? Have you even glanced at the statue? In fact, the gun's the least of our worries. I don't know if you've noticed, but this so-called likeness of perhaps our most beloved Pittsburgher is caked with craggy-skinned scales and has more in common with The Thing from the Fantastic Four than Mr. Rogers. Accordingly, Gladys, I suggest that the sculptor could put the historically inaccurate gun to good use, first by taking you out with it, then by turning it on himself. -- Your friend, Judge Rufus Peckham
G-8 Summit Tensions Hamper Bush's Trip
PRAGUE -- The White House has dubbed the President's current trip to meet with G-8 leaders in Germany "Making Enemies Where None Existed." Presidential aides said that to achieve this goal, Mr. Bush has gone out of his way to put a frosty coating on his previously warm relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin by threatening to beef up missile defenses in former Soviet satellites. "Mission Accomplished," said a high ranking White House staffer after Mr. Bush managed to coax Putin into threatening to target Europe with intercontinental ballistic missiles.
The president explained his game plan for the summit: "I'm going to say to Putin, 'We were all happier when we had that cold war, Vladimir.' I'm also going to tell him he's a Rooskie, candy-ass, heh-heh." The president added that the other G-8 leaders are "either girlie-men or manly-girls." Mr. Bush then illustrated for the press the size of his own testicles, pictured above.
When asked about Mr. Bush's comments, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice smiled and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, he's just being silly. Everybody understands he's just being silly." Rice said she is certain she can overcome the president's "adolescent, macho posturing, and pursue productive solutions with our G-8 allies."
The president explained his game plan for the summit: "I'm going to say to Putin, 'We were all happier when we had that cold war, Vladimir.' I'm also going to tell him he's a Rooskie, candy-ass, heh-heh." The president added that the other G-8 leaders are "either girlie-men or manly-girls." Mr. Bush then illustrated for the press the size of his own testicles, pictured above.
When asked about Mr. Bush's comments, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice smiled and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, he's just being silly. Everybody understands he's just being silly." Rice said she is certain she can overcome the president's "adolescent, macho posturing, and pursue productive solutions with our G-8 allies."
NFL OFFICIALS NOW IN 14th DAY OF REVIEW OF ZIERLEIN RAUNCHY VIDEO
ONE OFFICIAL REPORTEDLY HAS GONE BLIND
CAUSE OF STEELERS' POOR DRAFT SELECTIONS REVEALED
Pro personnel coordinator Doug Whaley was indeed "watching a ton of tape," as he claimed; unfortunately, it was the same tape he sent to Larry Zierlein
TERRORISTS TRIED TO DESTROY JFK AIRPORT BECAUSE 'IT WOULD BE LIKE KILLING JFK AGAIN'
EVIL GENIUSES NEXT PLANNED TO BLOW UP THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT -- SO THAT AMERICA WOULD BE STUCK WITH JOHN ADAMS AS PRESIDENT
ROADRUNNER TESTS POSITIVE FOR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS; COYOTE CALLS FOR SANCTIONS
DEATH VALLEY - The Roadrunner, long-time member of the Looney Tunes Animated Team, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. An official from the International Organization of Cartoon Racing (IOCR), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the second doping sample supplied by the Roadrunner tested positive for higher-than allowable amounts of synthetic testosterone.
The Roadrunner has competed against Wile E. Coyote in thousands of races on the American Southwest circuit for over forty years. He has never lost. Skeptics have often claimed his undefeated record is tainted. Additional suspicions were raised this past winter when FBI agents raided the ACME Laboratory in Cucamonga , California. It is alleged that numerous files embossed with the name ROADRUNNER were removed from the laboratory.
Reached by reporters at his home, where he was putting the finishing touches on a rocket filled with TNT, Mr. Coyote was indignant. “I always suspected something was amiss. No wonder he was able to paint such convincing backdrops against mountain walls so quickly. No wonder he was capable of driving trains and trucks that left me flattened, or worse, shaped like an accordion.” Mr. Coyote said he felt cheated, but he hoped the IOCR would do the right thing. “There has to be sanctions for this kind of behavior.” Mr. Coyote offered a possible solution. “If they would give me the opportunity, just once, to grab him by his scrawny neck and rip him to pieces with my razor-sharp canine teeth, devouring his flesh ever-so-slowly, I’d be willing to call it even.”
PIRATE FANS PETITION TO STOP HIGH-DEFINITION BROADCASTS
PITTSBURGH - An online petition was circulated at PNC Park over the weekend to encourage the Pittsburgh Pirates to cease high-definition broadcasts of their games. Walter Dietrick, founder of http://www.i-have-seen-too-much.com/ says that he started the petition driver after watching the first two months of the season in High-Def.
Dietrick explained: “The Pirates' performance is all too disturbing in vivid high-definition: The pitchers' inability to find the strike zone; the misjudged fly balls; the base running errors; the called third strikes taken by the heart of the line-up. Frankly, the less I see, and the less clearly I see it, the better.”
Dietrick has reverted to watching the games on an old black-and-white TV. He also prefers the old static-filled AM radio broadcasts to this year’s switch to the FM dial. “It comes down to this: I have the TV or radio on in the background when I’m paying my bills or cutting the grass,” he said. “I really don’t want to follow what’s going on that closely.”
KEVORKIAN RELEASE EMOTIONAL
LANSING, Mich. - Dr. Jack Kevorkian walked out of a southern Michigan prison Friday morning after serving just over eight years of a 10- to 25-year sentence for his second-degree murder conviction in the death of a man with Lou Gehrig's disease.
While some relatives of people who died with Dr. Jack Kevorkian's help are upset over his release, local morticians, florists and limousine services are preparing an enthusiastic welcome. "We want Jack to know that we support him," said local mortician Felix Plantim. "When Jack was on the street, those were good times -- good times."
Kevorkian, 79, says he's had a lot of time to reflect on his actions and doesn't plan to get back into the suicide business. "I'm going into dogfighting, it's my way to give something back to the community."
While some relatives of people who died with Dr. Jack Kevorkian's help are upset over his release, local morticians, florists and limousine services are preparing an enthusiastic welcome. "We want Jack to know that we support him," said local mortician Felix Plantim. "When Jack was on the street, those were good times -- good times."
Kevorkian, 79, says he's had a lot of time to reflect on his actions and doesn't plan to get back into the suicide business. "I'm going into dogfighting, it's my way to give something back to the community."
BREAKING NEWS: TB CARRIER ANDREW SPEAKER ESCAPES FROM QUARANTINE, ROBS BANK
BANK OF DENVER SURVEILLANCE CAMERA CATCHES SPEAKER IN THE ACT
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